Why, Seattle Aquarium? WHYYYYYYYYY???!!!!!!!

Crosscut:

The highlight of Octopus Week is usually the “blind date,” in which the aquarists bring two of their octopuses together to mate in front of a large audience. (Really, I could not make this up.) Unfortunately, the octopus copulation has been cancelled this year — not because it was deemed too sordid an affair, but because staffers were worried that this year, one of the animals might get eaten instead.

Apparently this year's male octopus—a 70-pounder named Kong—was too big to mate with the available females, who are all 30 to 45 pounds and would likely be seen as food.

My Valentine's Day plans (with Heidi Groover, no less—we are single!!!!!lollollol) are ruined.

At least we have this tremendous Brendan Kiley piece about the sex life of the giant Pacific octopus to re-read.

And can watch this unrelated video about slug sex: