10 Gauge

Robots, Plastic Bags, and Blowing Shit Up—a Review of Last Week's Billboard Top 10

10 Gauge

Nat Damm

BILLBOARD TOP 10 ARTISTS Catching their reflection in a spoon and then masturbating.

10. "Firework" by Katy Perry

Sometimes Katy Perry feels like a plastic bag. You know? It's probably because she's made of plastic and is literally a bag. A skin-bag. A woman-shaped skin-bag made of plastic skin! Sometimes, God uses her to pick up dog turds in heaven, and then the turds come out of Katy Perry in the form of songs on earth. Like this one! It's called "Firework." It's mostly about how Katy Perry feels like a plastic bag, except for other times when she is exploding "even brighter than the moon," even though the moon isn't really that bright. Katy Perry doesn't know very many things about the moon, I guess. Probably because plastic bags don't have brains or knowledge.

9. "Tonight (I'm Lovin' You)" by Enrique Iglesias feat. Ludacris and DJ Frank E

This is a love song that Enrique Iglesias wrote to the silver basin of water, still and reflective as a looking glass, in which he combs his mole every morning (or he used to—RIP, mole). Enrique greets the dawn with the affirmation "You're so damn pretty/If I had a type, then, baby, it'd be you," and then he makes a mental note to be sure and masturbate himself tonight as a reward for being so much more beautiful than other people. Enrique has been to every nation, and please excuse him as he does not mean to be rude, but can he use your bathroom? He caught his reflection in a spoon and he just really, really needs to go masturbate right now. Enrique was too busy masturbating to record this song that he wrote, so he hired a robot to do it. At the end of the song, Enrique jumps into a volcano because someone (the robot) tells him there's a mirror down there. Then the robot goes on to sweep the Grammys, after which he blows up Washington, DC (oops, evil robot). Oh well. At least Enrique and his mole are reunited in heaven.

8. "E.T." by Katy Perry feat. Kanye West

Oh cool, Katy Perry again! In this story, Katy Perry plays a plastic bag who wants to fuck an alien so she can get pregnant and give birth to a worm (plus get mega spacebucks in child support!). Then Kanye West shows up and he's like, "They callin' me a alien/A bigheaded astronaut," and it gets awkward because you realize that Katy Perry just can't tell the difference between aliens and black people. The thing I like best about Katy Perry's music is her humongous jugs.

7. "Blow" by Ke$ha

Excuse me, what is a "Ke$ha" and why is it famous? Because if my reading of this song is correct, a "Ke$ha" is a charismatic cult leader/suicide bomber who is going to come to your child's birthday party, cut the power, distribute cyanide-laden fruit punch, pull your pants down, pee on you, throw broken glass in your eyes, and then BLOW EVERYONE UP TO DEATH. Is that really the future you want for your children!?!?? What is a "Ke$ha" and why is it your ringtone and HAS ANYONE CALLED HOMELAND SECURITY BECAUSE IF YOU SEE SOMETHING SAY SOMETHING!?!?

6. "Grenade" by Bruno Mars

Dude, Bruno Mars should date Ke$ha. He loves blowing up, he can't get enough fruit punch (I'm just guessing, because who can?), plus he really wants a lady to have a look at his underpants. In this song, Bruno Mars won't stop crying because he can't find a girl who's as into murder-suicide as he is. He just wants someone with a vagina to toss a grenade at him, push him in front of a train, shoot him in the head, set his body on fire, and "throw [his] hand on a blade," and then let him do the same back to her, and then they can go have sex in heaven while Enrique Iglesias masturbates. Is that so much to ask? IS IT???

5. "On the Floor" by Jennifer Lopez feat. Pitbull

In this hilarious new novelty hit (reminiscent of "Weird" Albert Yankovic), an old lady teams up with an actual rapping pit bull to tell the story—in song!—of the time she fell "on the floor" and couldn't get up, and then the pit bull ate her feet off! It's a real toe-tapper (ooooooops—sorry, Mrs. Lopez!).

4. "Fuckin' Perfect" by Pink

This song is more boring than a snail dreaming about cotton balls. I remember so little about listening to it that it actually sucked out some of my own memories, too. Where was I born? What does my mother's face look like? What was my first word? Pink stole all of that from me, and I will never forgive her.

3. "S&M" by Rihanna

"Na na na na/Come on, come on, come on/I like it, like it/Come on, come on, come on/I like it, like it (Na na na)/Come on, come on, come on/I like it, like it/Come on, come on, come on/I like it, like it/S-S-S and M-M-M/­ S-S-S and M-M-M/Na na na na/Come on, come on, come on/I like it, like it/Come on, come on, come on/I like it, like it (Na na na)/Come on, come on, come on/I like it, like it/Come on, come on, come on/I like it, like it/ S-S-S and M-M-M/S-S-S and M-M-M/Na na na na/Come on, come on, come on/I like it, like it/Come on, come on, come on/I like it, like it (Na na na)/Come on, come on, come on/I like it, like it/Come on, come on, come on/I like it, like it/S-S-S and M-M-M/S-S-S and M-M-M/Na na na na/Come on, come on, come on/I like it, like it/Come on, come on, come on/I like it, like it (Na na na)/Come on, come on, come on/I like it, like it/Come on, come on, come on/I like it, like it/S-S-S and M-M-M/ S-S-S and M-M-M..." (Repeat until you feel the grim reaper's cold breath on your neck, then weep with joy as oblivion envelops you.)

2. "Fuck You" by Cee Lo Green

Based on this list so far, I'm pretty sure modern children don't even know what the human voice sounds like. But HOLY FUCK MY ASS LOOK AT THIS. An actual song! An actually good song! An actual song with an actual musician who actually wrote the song he's actually singing about actual feelings! This song is so good compared to all the other songs on this list that I resent it being here. Because you people—you terrible, terrible people—do not deserve Cee Lo. You only deserve to be elected president of the garbage, and then I hope that robot from earlier blows up your garbage White House just when you're about to deliver the State of the Garbage address. I hate you guys. Come on, Cee Lo, let's get out of here and go French.

1. "Born This Way" by Lady Gaga

Oh look, that robot's back! Listen. I don't care how many times you say it on every chorus (literally 999 times)—you weren't born this way, singing robot. You were created in an undersea laboratory by a guy with an eye patch (Richard Branson, I know it was you!). But anyway, congratulations on having 9 out of the Billboard Top 10 hits, robot! Just please let that be enough. Please don't murder Cee Lo. He's all we have. recommended


Comments (27) RSS

Oldest First Unregistered On Registered On Add a comment
Freaking hilarious... how strange that this is really how I feel about most of this crap... and the wondeful and equally hailarious and tuneful Cee Lo.
Posted by evilizac on March 16, 2011 at 12:14 PM · Report this
Also, get off my lawn, you kids!
Posted by jambalaya on March 16, 2011 at 1:00 PM · Report this
Amnt 3
Other than Fuck You, I'd only heard part of one of those songs, but it's always fun to look them up reading these articles and see how bad they really are. Fuck You is great, S&M is by far the worst. I had to look up who Bruno Mars was and he apparently co-wrote Fuck You, so there's that...
Posted by Amnt on March 16, 2011 at 1:32 PM · Report this
Actually, Cee Lo didn't write that song. Bruno Mars wrote it for him. Awkward.
Posted by Lilzo on March 16, 2011 at 4:21 PM · Report this
JonnoN 5
Thanks for the laugh Lindy
Posted by JonnoN on March 16, 2011 at 5:11 PM · Report this
Lindy West 6
Fair enough. Bruno Mars is officially not a robot. Everyone else, DOUBLE ROBOT.
Posted by Lindy West on March 16, 2011 at 5:43 PM · Report this
Top 40's not made for educated alternative paper columnists from hip cities. It's made for impressionable pre-teens and teens. They eat this shit up.
Posted by Cold Minnesotan on March 16, 2011 at 7:09 PM · Report this
freesandbags 8
Get your robot insurance before it's toooo late. Lindy has warned us all.
Posted by freesandbags on March 16, 2011 at 7:57 PM · Report this
Lindy should get hazard pay for the time you spent listening to those songs. The kids like 'em, though.
Posted by OneTrickPony on March 17, 2011 at 4:37 AM · Report this
Hmm... more "humor". Ha
Posted by Fingerbanger on March 17, 2011 at 9:19 AM · Report this
ingopixel 11
WAIT! I want to hear what the garbage president has to say about the state of the garbage!
Posted by ingopixel on March 17, 2011 at 2:27 PM · Report this
you sound fat
Posted by Blarp on March 17, 2011 at 3:29 PM · Report this
Can we agree this is possibly the worst line in pop music history?

"Sex in the air/ I don't care/ I love the smell of it"

Posted by Racing Turtles on March 17, 2011 at 7:11 PM · Report this
biffp 14
I'm pretty sure the title of #9 is "Tonight I'm Fucking You". I thought that was fucking hilarious.
Posted by biffp on March 17, 2011 at 7:31 PM · Report this
Posted by whatsbeckgottadowithit on March 19, 2011 at 12:24 AM · Report this
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JF 17
@6 Can I get a ruling on wanting to have robot sex with Rihanna? Too fetishist or absolutely in bounds?
Posted by JF on March 19, 2011 at 8:33 AM · Report this
J.Lo is just trying to remind us that her ass is still relevant, I mean she did pave the way for the likes of Kim K. and Amber Rose. And what better vehicle than a product placement club anthem dressed in drag? That video is genius. Robot genius.
Posted by Cyn on March 19, 2011 at 1:02 PM · Report this
Hilarious. Loved the paragraph about the plastic bag. I cannot get over those lyrics!!! "Boom, boom, boom..." wtf!?
Also just wanted to mention that of course Lady Gaga is probably the only artist who really did write her own song; with that being said of course, it sounds a little too much like Madonna's 80s hits. I'm sure you've heard this before though.
It IS astonishing how bad top 40 (and the radio) is... it all sounds like the same song blended together.
Posted by SaraJean on March 20, 2011 at 1:06 AM · Report this
I love Lindy West, if our sexual organs weren't similar I would request to have her babies. Go Cee Lo.
Posted by Queen of Anne on March 20, 2011 at 11:01 AM · Report this
Here's what I don't understand. I realize Rihanna is a terrible singer who is as flat as she is...well, flat, but why is ROBOT RIHANNA ALSO FLAT? I thought it was called auto-tune, not auto-flat.
Posted by Caralain on March 21, 2011 at 9:44 AM · Report this
Wikipedia lists the writers of "Fuck You!" as Cee Lo Green, Bruno Mars, Philip Lawrence, Ari Levine and Brody Brown.

Isn't that a large enough group that it's actually approaching impossible that every one of them is human?
Posted by Perhaps Not a Robot. Sparkly Vampire? Zombie? on March 22, 2011 at 11:46 AM · Report this
Bruno Mars was a co-writer on Cee Lo Green's Fuck You!
Posted by waterbarleyhops on March 23, 2011 at 11:25 AM · Report this
You're right about everything except Katy Perry. She's talented and awesome.
Posted by nadamucho on March 28, 2011 at 9:22 PM · Report this
Also, Cee Lo kind of blows.
Posted by nadamucho on March 28, 2011 at 9:25 PM · Report this
Caro 26
that is freakin hilarious!
Posted by Caro on March 30, 2011 at 1:34 AM · Report this
Caro 27
that is fucking hilarious! good job.
Posted by Caro on March 30, 2011 at 1:36 AM · Report this

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