I'm a bisexual submissive in a BDSM relationship with my fiancé, and I have one hang-up in bed: I can't talk dirty. I love it when my partner says filthy things, but I get immediately embarrassed beyond all reason if I try. My fiancé is very understanding, but I know it would turn him on immensely if I could just open my damn mouth in the bedroom. How should I/we go about getting past this? Maybe you know some tricks for coaxing a reluctant submissive that we haven't tried?
Oh, sweet child, I know a lot of tricks for coaxing people into doing things they really want to do anyway. That's one of my favorites, because it's so rewarding for both people. As to your particular problem, several possible techniques spring to mind. Has he tried the "I'll tease you until you scream but you don't get to come until you say X" method?
Also, sometimes it can be easier to get accustomed to saying the words out of context. Try this: Write one dirty word each on a stack of index cards. As part of the scene, you must select a card (or he picks one) and you must say the word on the card. Just one word. Do this repeatedly throughout the scene. Then, over time, start saying two or three in a row. Don't try to make a sentence, just say the words. Once you've gotten comfortable saying random words, then your dominant should write out different sentences and instruct you to read them off. If you're of a literary bent, you can use passages from dirty novels. Start with something that doesn't sound like a porn movie: Lady Chatterley's Lover or Story of O. You see where I'm going with this. Trying to speak one's own intimate desires is scary. Reading off other people's phrases is an easier way to get used to those words in your mouth.
I am a woman who just fucked a guy up the butt for the first time in my life today. This was our third date, and it's very casual. I brought a strap-on and he more than gladly took it all up inside him. I gave him an amazing blowjob afterward, handing him the dildo to put inside himself. All he said afterward was, "You fucked me."
He always e-mails me after our encounters and says how wonderful it was. But he hasn't e-mailed me yet and I'm a little weirded out. I really feel bad, like I did it wrong or something. Could I have taken this too fast? Is this something only people who love each other should do? I feel absolutely terrible about this. I need a strong woman to tell me I did everything right. I fucked it up, didn't I?
P.S. I did come.
No, I don't think you fucked it up. I would imagine your bend-over boyfriend had a hot time getting pegged by you.
But sometimes you can give someone a sexual experience that he loves in the moment, but doesn't know how to handle afterward. I've had this experience myself, especially with boys and anal play. Taboos are what make something a hot fantasy, but after the orgasm, the fear kicks in and they need to distance themselves from it—and you. I once had a submissive wheedle and beg me for several years to have another man fuck him while I watched, and I eventually gave in and made it happen. He loved it, right up until the moment he came, and then I saw the raw panic spread over his face. I thought to myself, "He's gonna bolt. I'll never see him again." I was right, which is why I don't do "forced" bisexuality scenes.
Your guy may call, or he may not. But assuming he didn't say "stop, stop," then you didn't do anything wrong, so don't feel terrible. I know about 10,000 other men who would kill to take his place, and you don't have to love them even a little bit, although that always makes it nicer. But as long as you come when you're fucking them, they'll probably love you.
THURSDAY 12/28NEW YEAR'S EVE WEEKEND PARTY
A four-day extravaganza at the New Horizons swing club. The action begins Thursday and continues through Sunday with lavish dinners, live music, formal-dress parties, and, of course, a lot of sex. Orientation required for all guests and new members, www.horizonsclub.com for info and reservations, membership and party fees vary.
SATURDAY 12/30DARK TANTRA: AN EXPLORATION OF BDSM AND TANTRA
Tantric educators Robert Allen and Jenna Buckmaster offer new practices for BDSM play, with erotic magic that seeks to connect the body and the divine through ritual and trance acts. Wet Spot, 1602 15th Ave W, building E, email@example.com, 270-9746, 5—7 pm, $25, membership not required.CASCADE HANDBALLERS
This gay male fist-fucking organization meets at a private location in Seattle. Trim your nails. RSVP at firstname.lastname@example.org for location, $10 donation from 6—8 pm, $15 after 8 pm.
SUNDAY 12/31NEW YEAR'S EVE AT THE WET SPOT
No booze (or obnoxious drunks), just yummy food, dancing, sex, and play. No dress code, but hey, it's New Year's Eve—get dolled up! Dinner, breakfast, and party favors included. Wet Spot, 270-9746, email@example.com, 8 pm—3 am, $20—$35, membership and RSVP required (members may bring guests).LITTLE RED LOUNGE NEW YEARS EVE PARTY
Two bars, DJ and dancing, hot tub, hors d'oeuvres, delicious desserts, and erotic performances throughout the night. Little Red Studio, 1506 Franklin Ave E, 328-4758, www.littleredstudioseattle.com, 9 pm until it's over, doors close at 1 am, $50, RSVP required.
TUESDAY 1/2INTERVENTION AT UNCLE TERRY'S PLACE
We all knew it was going to happen some Christmas, and I guess this was our year: the bawling, the tantrums, the vivid (and voluminous) vomit. And was he trying to drink Dad's aftershave? We can't put it off anymore, Mom. It's time to get him some help—but can it wait until Tuesday? Uncle Terry won't be the only one with a Monday hangover. Uncle Terry's Place, 345 Kinnear Rd, 2 pm, BYOB.