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Don't Ask Me

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Here are a few highlights from the "weird phone messages" file...

Uh, hi, I was wondering, like, I know you do golden showers, but what I really want to know is would you pee on, um... a bug? Because I used to see this other mistress and she would pee on bugs, and I thought that was really hot. I know that sounds weird but, you know, I just wanted to ask...

I get a lot of unusual requests, but I can't say I've ever been asked to pee on insects before. Sounds like a guy who eroticizes piss, but doesn't actually want to get pissed on himself. That's not unheard of, but still—bugs? Where did that come in? Is this a twist on the "crush" fetish, where guys get off on watching girls step on bugs? I also find myself wondering: Does he provide the bugs? And what kind of bugs would they be? Are we talking fast-moving bugs, like roaches or crickets? I think those would have to be in a jar, or they'd get away. Now if you used slow, easy targets like worms, that would be different. Does he let them go afterward, soggy but free?

It's a sign of what a seasoned professional I am that I can easily sketch this out in my head. However, that doesn't mean I want to actually do it. No, I think I will confine my piss play to Homo sapiens. I don't believe in cruelty to animals. Only people.

Hello Mistress, I am slave Michael. I am a full-time male slave serving Mistress Mythica in New York. She has commanded me to find women who would be willing to answer a sex survey over the phone. It's for an article she is writing, and since you're like, a writer, too... I would just need to ask you some questions about, um, your masturbation habits. Please let me know if you could help me.

Ah, the "sex survey" gambit. This has long been a favorite strategy with callers like this one, although they used to pretend to be doctors or psychologists. The "my (literary) mistress told me to!" is a new twist, and not a completely implausible one, given how many sex workers are writing books and articles these days. Hell, I'd get a full-time slave if I thought I could find one who'd be a good research assistant. But I'd bet money that the closest this guy has been to a riding crop is at a tack store. And really, what with niteflirt.com and all, phone sex is so cheap these days. Why bother with these games? Still, there will always be guys for whom the thrill is getting it for free. I would just think it'd be worth two bucks a minute not to have to muffle his heavy breathing and that distinctive slippy-slappy sound of a guy choking his chicken. Wonder what he'd say if I told him I liked to pee on bugs?

matisse@thestranger.com

Kink Calendar

SATURDAY 1/27

CASCADE HANDBALLERS

This gay male fist-fucking organization meets at a private location in Seattle. Trim your nails. RSVP at rhsea@comcast.net for location, $10 donation between 6 and 8 pm, $15 after 8 pm.

SUNDAY 1/28

INTERMEDIATE FLOGGING WORKSHOP

Got basic flogging skills but want to improve? Noted percussionists Russell H. and Erika G. will teach you the fine points. Everyone pairs off and takes turns being the practice dummy, so bring a heavy jacket and a flogger if you have one, although some loaners are available. Wet Spot, 1602 15th Ave W, building E, 650-5234, 2–6 pm, $35, membership not required.

G-SPOT 101 AND FEMALE EJACULATION

Babeland sex educators share what the G-spot is, where to find it, how to stimulate it, and what could happen—like, she might ejaculate when you do. Babeland, 707 E Pike St, 328-2914, 7:30 pm, $30.

RAIN CITY JACKS

An afternoon jack-off event. Rain City Jacks is a private, men-only JO club that's alcohol, smoke, and attitude free. Raincityjacks.org, rc@raincityjacks.org, 1–4 pm, doors close at 2 pm, membership required.

MARINERS FANFEST

Mariners fans—AKA the Northwest's most insatiable masochists—are rewarded with a day of point-blank stalking at Safeco Field, where they can meet actual Mariners, get actual Mariners' autographs, and learn the history of baseball. Safeco Field, 1250 First Ave, 10 am–4 pm, $5–$10.

 

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