Dear Mistress Bringer-of-Radiance: I received your e-mail and photo. Before we get to the meat of your request, I must tell you the name you've chosen is really going to hold you back professionally. I see what you're going for, but you need something that flows off the tongue more easily. Something fresh and sexy. Something that suggests something besides a character in a cheap Lord of the Rings knockoff.

That's about all the help I can be to you, because no, I am not seeking an assistant to work with me in my dungeon. I assume that's what you meant when you offered yourself to me as a "junior priestess of pain." And while your ideas about what new services you could offer my clients were certainly right in line with your kinky-spiritual theme, I don't think that they're very practical in terms of actual execution. That full-immersion baptism in piss, for example. It's a nice concept, and I'm not saying you couldn't find any takers. But have you considered how long it would take to fill a whole bathtub? Even with two of us? I'm talking days, even if we went on a Bud Light binge. And urine doesn't keep well.

Oh, one other bit of advice: I'd get some more traditional glamour-fetish photos done. I understand that you've got a shtick here, and that the long robe you're wearing and the flaming torch you're holding goes with that. But... no. Consistent branding is a good thing—up to a point. That point would be where you start looking like the Statue of Liberty.

Best of luck in your professional future,
Mistress Matisse

Dear Templeton: Well, that certainly was an interesting e-mail. And you're right; your animal-role-play identity is unique in my experience. I have met people who liked to pretend they were dogs, cats, and horses, and I've seen the occasional lion or tiger. But I've never heard of anyone doing mouse role-play before.

I admit I spent some time thinking about how you might behave in that role. I suppose it would depend on whether you were a domestic mouse or a wild mouse, but some things seem iconic: crumb-nibbling, whisker-twitching—hopefully not chewing through baseboards, though. Do you crawl up women's legs, and do you consider mousetraps to be edge-play?

But as thought provoking as all this is, I must decline your offer to be my "pet mouse." I am not seeking personal submissives at this time, and besides, I have a cat.

If you continue your search for a partner in this role-play, I urge you to stop offering to let strangers like myself "cut off your tail with a carving knife." I'm hoping you mean something symbolic, but the mental image conjured up by that phrase in this context is rather extreme.

Happy scurrying,
Mistress Matisse

PS: I am generally in favor of literary allusions, but you do know Templeton was a rat, yes?


Kink Calendar



Little Red Studio is an intimate space for erotic performance art—with music, delicious desserts, beverages, and a variety of sexy performances. They just got a new larger space—go check it out! Little Red Studio, 328-4758 or for more info and reservations, 9 pm, $30.



Vanillas may want to begin with the Pegasus starter deck—that has the toon monsters (cute!), the Kaiser Sea Horse card, and all the usual elemental magic. Kinkier attendees might want to try the Yugi Evolution Deck, which includes the Dark Magician, the Black Luster ritual spell card, and the ritual monster Black Luster Soldier. Free booster packs and prizes! Alki Room, Seattle Center, 305 Harrison St, 684-7200, 10 am, $20.


Sometimes described as "the Disneyland of swing clubs," the New Horizons club welcomes new couples for guest night, where member couples can bring guest couples for only $80. Orientation required for all guests and new members, membership and party fees vary, or for info and reservations.


Jennifer from Libido Events will teach you intimate techniques for your pussy pleasure. Couples and singles of all orientations welcome. Wet Spot, 1602 15th Ave W, building E, 270-9746 or, 1—3 pm, Wet Spot membership not required, $25.



Afternoon jack-off party by a private, men-only JO club that's alcohol-, smoke-, and attitude-free. or, 1—4 pm, membership required.


The team that produces Grind—the popular Thursday night kinky dance party—plays Mötley Crüe, Joan Jett, Social Distortion, Led Zeppelin, AC/DC, the Ramones, Def Leppard... and whatever else seems like a good idea at the time. Dance, play, cruise. Wet Spot, 1602 15th Ave W, building E, 270-9746 or, 8 pm—midnight, $10, members only.