I recently invited my blog readers to ask me questions they've had on their minds, and I got some interesting ones. Beck asked, "If for some reason you could no longer work as a professional dominant, what would you do to make a living?"
I think about that from time to time. Now, I've been in the sex industry since I was 18. I've waited tables and such a few times, but other than that, I have no experience of a job that doesn't involve someone getting naked. Even one of my waitress jobs was at a nudist resort. I've never created a resumé in my life, and I have only a very vague memory of ever having filled out a job application. The whole concept of non-sexy employment is foreign and mysterious to me. Listening to other people talk about working at Nordstrom or Microsoft or Starbucks is like watching an episode of The Surreal Life. What would it be like, having a job where people actually called me by the name my mother gave me? A job in which someone saying, "You've got a really nice ass," could be grounds for disciplinary action. (By which I mean something besides me giving you a spanking for being such an impertinent boy.) It's almost impossible for me to imagine.
It could happen someday, though. If you take care of yourself and spend time building up a clientele, you can go on in pro dominance for a good long time. But still, one gets older, and a day will come when that phone don't ring no more. I myself plan on writing a really juicy book when I retire—no names, of course, but lots of dirty stories.
But what if I had to get out now, and I couldn't go back to some other form of sex work? What skills might I have that would be transferable to other careers? I made myself a list of some likely possibilities.
Personal trainer. Pros: Wear tight, revealing clothing—but with comfortable shoes!—and make people do painful things. Cons: Lots of clients want early morning appointments, something I've structured my entire working life to avoid. Also, smacking whiny clients is frowned upon.
Dental assistant. Pros: You get to be bossy and stick people with nasty sharp little instruments. Cons: Fluorescent lights and scrub suits.
Law enforcement. Pros: You get lots of cool toys and I'm very experienced with interrogation scenes. Cons: Having to wear polyester uniforms and those utility belts that make your hips look wide.
Reality TV show producer. Pros: Getting paid to dream up new ways to publicly torture and humiliate people who have vied for that privilege. Cons: The competition to engage in this particular brand of sadism seems ferocious.
Freelance writer. Pros: Getting to spend half the day in my bathrobe. Cons: Being poor, something I've structured my entire working life to avoid.
Sex therapist. Pros: Absolutely nothing would shock me. Cons: I'd have a hard time understanding why anyone was unhappy about being perverted. Also, smacking whiny clients is frowned upon.
Colonic irrigation practitioner. Pros: I already know I've got the skills—and some of my own equipment! Cons: Having to pretend like I wasn't enjoying myself.
Politics. Pros: I'd get lots of media coverage because all the reporters would want to write, "...former professional dominatrix" after my name. Cons: Having to wear pastel suits and a Hillary Clinton-esque hairdo.
Marketing. Pros: I know how to use sex to sell anything. Cons: I'd have to watch TV commercials and pretend to take stupid products seriously.
Lawyer. Pros: People are intrigued by your power, although they assume you're probably an evil person. So just like my job now. Cons: You have to spend a lot of time around other lawyers, who are evil people. Also, smacking whiny clients is frowned upon.
Brazilian body waxer. Pros: Get paid to torture people's most intimate personal areas. Cons: None I can think of, actually. I wonder if any place is hiring? ■
VAGINAL FISTING: A WORKSHOP FOR COUPLES
Learn how the fist can be a sensual lovemaking tool for you and your partner. Includes a demonstration. Register at www.sanctuaryintime.net, 7–9:30 pm, $60 per couple.
CHEAP & EASY: THE BABELAND SALE
Toys in Babeland is being reborn. The newly christened Babeland hosts a three-day celebration sale featuring 20–50 percent off almost everything in the store. Babeland, 707 E Pike St, 328-2914. July 22–24, Fri–Sat 11 am–10 pm, Sun 11 am–8 pm.
The Wet Spot's vendor fair features more than 30 kinky vendors, workshops, demos, and a special Q&A panel to answer questions about sex-positive lifestyles. Consolidated Works, 500 N Boren Ave, conworks.org or 270-9746, noon–8 pm, $5.
Explore cuddling, snuggling, hugging, caressing, and just plain touching in a clothes-on, sex-free, mutually consensual workshop. Wet Spot, cuddleparty.com or 679-1610, membership not required, 3:30–6:30 pm, $10.
BITE OF SEATTLE 2005
This one-stop kink expo for feeders/gainers, chubby chasers, and lovers of the wet 'n' messy features booths serving grub from 50 of Seattle's favorite restaurants, plus live entertainment and five beer gardens. Seattle Center, 305 Harrison Ave, 11 am–8 pm. Also Fri July 22 and Sat July 23.
DRESS CODE LEATHER SOCIAL
Major pieces of leather, rubber, and uniforms are encouraged. Cuff Complex, 1533 13th Ave, 323-1525, www.seattlemeninleather.org, 7–10 pm, $3, 21+.