MONDAY, MAY 14 This week of beleaguered janitors, spooky streetfolk, and long-awaited death kicks off with some in-your-face homosexuality from the heavy-petting hotbed of King County Metro. "Today I was riding the 43 home from downtown," writes Hot Tipper Dale. "Two gay crackheads boarded the bus and sat about three seats in front of me. They were kissing and talking, the smaller one sticking out his tongue and making weird shouting noises from time to time. Coming up Olive Way, in the reflection of one of the bus's glass partitions, I saw the bigger guy jacking off the smaller one. Moments later, the guy leans down and starts sucking him off. I went home and washed my hands."
TUESDAY, MAY 15 Nothing happened today, unless you count the dropping dead of Jerry Falwell, the shameless American shyster who gave birth to the Moral Majority, helped mobilize the religious right, and routinely debased himself with head-up-his-ass statements, from blaming the deadly attacks of 9/11 on feminists and gays (mere hours into the tragedy, no less), to identifying the Antichrist as "a male Jew who's probably already alive," to warning American parents of the insidious gay-rights agenda of the Teletubbies. Had Falwell presented himself as a comedic performance artist, Last Days might have idolized him. As a self-appointed man of God with naked political aims, Falwell can only be remembered as a biohazard, and the kind of Christian who gives all other Christians a bad name. Ultimately, Falwell's greatest contribution to history was as a free-speech test dummy, thanks to the $45 million libel lawsuit he filed against Hustler, which published a parody ad claiming Falwell had lost his virginity to his mother in an outhouse. In one of the greatest judgments in American legal history, the Supreme Court ruled there's nothing libelous about suggesting Jerry Falwell lost his virginity to his mother in an outhouse. Thank you, Supremes, and farewell, Falwell: In this age of war, impending ecodisaster, and fatal religious fascism, it's not easy to make the world a better place, but your death accomplished just that.
WEDNESDAY, MAY 16 Speaking of death: Today brings this messily morbid tale from Eastern Washington, where a high-school custodian is suing the Nine Mile Falls School District over the cleanup of a student's suicide. Details come from the Associated Press, which reports the case stems from the death of 16-year-old Skyler Cullitan, who shot himself in the entryway to Suncrest, Washington's Lakeside High School in December 2004. According to the complaint filed yesterday in Spokane County Superior Court, custodian Debbie Rothwell was ordered to clean up the whole bloody mess, a task that took until 4:15 a.m., after which she was required to return early the next morning to serve cookies and coffee to distraught students, staff, and parents. The distraught janitress is seeking unspecified damages for emotional and physical distress, and 50 bucks says she gets what she asks for.
THURSDAY, MAY 17 The week continues with a pair of notable sightings from Last Days' Hot Tippers. "I was waiting for the bus," writes Hot Tipper Emma. "A blue station wagon pulled up with a sign on it that said 'Miss Direction, transforming the mundane.' A lady got out of the car wearing a black coat with what looked like compasses sewn to it. She introduced herself as Miss Direction, and said she'd give me a ride wherever I needed to go in exchange for my life story and my signature in her guest book. I don't really relish telling my life story to strangers, but I took the ride anyway, even if it meant being asked questions like, 'If you were an animal, which animal would you be?' Miss Direction dropped me off in front of my office, and gave me a little piece of paper that said 'abandon desire.'"
Even more beguiling is Hot Tipper Todd's report on the Duct-Tape Guy: "I was in Home Depot to get a key made. As I'm looking around for an employee, I spot a somewhat-homeless-looking man wearing a mask. This mask was made entirely of duct tape. It had holes for his eyes and mouth (picture Dr. Doom) and a clear safety shield, which was in the upright position. This guy walks up to an employee and asks, 'What aisle is the duct tape on?' Oh my freaking god, am I dreaming this? Apparently not, because that same employee ended up making my key for me, and he wouldn't shut up about the duct-tape guy. Since then, I've shared this story with friends and coworkers, and I've heard of many sightings. Does anyone know what this guy's story is? I gotta know."
Dear Emma and Todd: Thank you both for surviving and sharing. Todd: We've also shared your story with friends and coworkers (as well as residents of the Slogosphere) and have gleaned a few details about the masked man who haunts your dreams. Also known as "the Chrome Sheriff" and "the Beekeeper," the Duct-Tape Guy is a regular denizen of the U-District, where more than one resident finds him "terrifying." In addition to duct tape, he also seems to love fish and chips, having been spotted outside both Spud and Ivar's. Local band the Hopscotch Boys reportedly have a song about him in their repertoire. If anyone has further info, please send it to email@example.com.
FRIDAY, MAY 18 Nothing happened today.
SATURDAY, MAY 19 As regular readers of this column are aware, tons of freaky shit goes down on Metro buses. Today the Seattle Times offered up some hard numbers, drawn from statistics presented this week to the King County Council: "With Metro ridership soaring, the county's transit system saw a 30 percent increase in passenger-on-passenger assaults in 2006 compared with 2005," reports the Times. "Assaults on bus drivers have also increased." But don't let the threat of a good clobbering scare you off:
"What we mean by assault, it's not the same as a criminal assault," said Metro general manager Kevin Desmond to the Times. "To drivers, an assault might mean somebody spitting on them, kids roughhousing, a passenger pushing someone, or someone throwing an object." Statistics about Metro fellatio (see Monday) remain unreported.
SUNDAY, MAY 20 The week ends with a frightful explosion of violence in Lebanon, with clashes between the Lebanese Army and Islamic militants at a Palestinian refugee camp killing 39 people and injuring dozens of others.
By the time you read this, Blake Lewis's fate will have been decided. Send Hot Tips to firstname.lastname@example.org.