10:30 a.m.: Get out of bed, put on bathrobe, stumble down the hall into office, fall into chair and attempt to focus eyes on computer screen.
10:35 a.m.: Succeed in focusing eyes. Read new client e-mails. Delete Nigerian scammer e-mails and anything with the word "cum-slut" in it.
10:50 a.m.: The phone rings. Look at it and decide I haven't had enough caffeine yet to even speak coherently, let alone sound all über-dominant. Let it go to voicemail.
11:15 a.m.: Listen to client voicemails. Delete message from anonymous man offering to let me extinguish my cigarettes on his genitals, because I would never smoke cigarettes. Write down remaining names and numbers.
Noon: Call everyone back and leave messages on their voicemails, except for the numbers that have a woman's voice on the outgoing message.
1:15 p.m.: Arrive at my dungeon. Go into the main playroom, turn on the lights and the heat, and set out a few key items for my first session. Make sure there is soap in the hand dispenser and plenty of clean towels. Go into the reception area and fluff up the pillows on the couch. Imagine, wistfully, what it would be like to have the kind of slave who did this sort of thing for me, as opposed the kind of slave whose chief talent is an ability to shriek with pain in a frequency that goes straight to my crotch.
2:00 p.m.: Client arrives. Make sure not to break an ankle walking down stairs in five-inch heels to answer the door.
3:15 p.m.: Client departs. Immediately take off shoes and wince slightly as Achilles tendons stretch back out. Reflect how easy it is to be evil when one's feet hurt.
3:25 p.m.: Wipe down playroom with hospital-grade disinfectant. Go out into the hall to breathe and allow eyes to stop watering. Go back into the playroom and throw away one pair of wet, stained women's underwear, size XXL, with a large hole cut out of the back. Make mental note to buy more latex gloves.
4:00 p.m.: Return more phone calls while folding up clean towels. Call number one: No, sorry, I don't want to do an outcall to Bremerton. Call number two: Yes, I actually do have a sjambok and I'd be more than happy to use it on you. Call me back when you know your schedule. Call number three: Peter, darling—yes, I'd love to see you. 3:00 p.m. next Tuesday? Great, see you then. Call number four: Sorry, I'm not hiring. No, really, I'm not.
4:30 p.m.: Client arrives. Lace him into his corset and observe that his high heels are actually taller than mine, which seems like a proper distribution of pain. Reflect that a world in which all men wore high heels on a daily basis would be a world where foot massages were more important than Viagra.
5:35 p.m.: Release exhausted, lymph-soaked client from corset. Put Band-Aids over a few small bloody welts on his ass. Spend a few minutes chatting about the relative merits of Victoria's Secret versus Frederick's of Hollywood. Hug client goodbye and remind him to go eat something soon so he doesn't feel weak when his endorphin high wears off.
5:45 p.m.: Repeat entire cleaning routine. Gather up and throw away a dozen damp and sticky wooden clothespins. Put on my blue jeans and leave the dungeon.
6:30 p.m.: Stop at the 99-cent store and buy a dozen packages of wooden clothespins and several pairs of women's underwear, size XXL. Ignore curious stare of clerk. Keep receipt for tax purposes.
7:00 p.m.: Meet friend for dinner on Broadway. Listen to her stories of life as a call girl. Remark enviously on how while she does wear high heels, she doesn't have to actually stand up in them for very long. Get reminded that while that's true, she doesn't get guys worshiping her feet, either. Decide I actually do like my job better.
THURSDAY 9/29THE GRIND
The Wet Spot's kinky dance party: Socialize, dance, have sex, and do BDSM. Wet Spot, 270-9746 or email@example.com, 9 pm–2 am, $10, membership required.
FRIDAY 9/30EROTIC SENSATION PLAY
Sensation play refers to activities that appeal to the senses: sight, sound, taste, smell, and touch. Learn to heighten or deprive these senses to intensify the erotic experience. School of One, 523-5544 or www.schoolofone.com, 8–10 pm, suggested donation $10– $20.BLACK FRIDAY AT THE EAGLE
A $50 prize to the hottest hunk in cowhide. Seattle Eagle, 314 E Pike St, 621-7591, 9 pm–close, no cover for full leather, $3 for partial leather, $5 otherwise.CANINE FASHION SHOW
Kink out for a good cause at the Humane Society's annual doggie adoption drive. Festivities peak with the canine fashion show, where stylish pooches don everything from neckwear to outerwear to parade down the "dogwalk." Consensual butt-sniffing encouraged. Hotel Monaco, 1101 Fourth Ave, 621-1770, adoption event 11 am–1 pm, fashion show noon–12:30 pm, free.
SUNDAY 10/2ROPE BONDAGE FOR BEGINNERS
My partner Max teaches rope bondage classes every month in conjunction with the Bondage Is the Point party. This month: Fundamentals of Rope Bondage. Wet Spot, 270-9746, www.bondagelessons.com, 2:30 pm, $30/$35, nonmembers welcome at workshop, members only at party that follows.
WEDNESDAY 10/5POTLUCK AND MASSAGE NIGHT
New Horizons swing club's midweek "potluck party." Bring a dish to devour and work your kinks out. Doors at 6 pm, orientation required for all guests and new members, go to www.horizonsclub.com for info.