A friend of mine calls them "bathtub fantasies," because that's the place where she often enjoys them. They are the sexual fantasies that are so juicy and delicious in theory, but which you're unlikely to try to act on in real life. I myself have road-tested a lot of my naughty ideas—but there are some that I'm content to keep as a read-only file, at least for now.

For example, there's the older woman/young man fantasy. Although Anne Bancroft was only six years older than Dustin Hoffman when The Graduate was made, I feel I'm still too young to convincingly play Mrs. Robinson. But occasionally I see a sweet, dewy young man—usually sort of a Daniel Radcliffe type—who makes me reflect for a moment about what I might do, if I was going to...

It would have to be a one-nighter, of course. The taboo thrill of debauching eager innocence isn't something that can be strung out for longer than a night, even in fantasy. This fantasy boy is a stranger to me, but something about him has struck my fancy, and so I approach him and soon, in that seamless way of fantasies, his mouth is touching mine. Fantasy boy isn't necessarily a virgin, although that's always sort of charming. But his nervousness, and his complete lack of ability to control his feelings of lust are the key elements of the fantasy. I, of course, would not be nervous, and I would take complete control of all that percolating teenage-boy lust. (For the record, the fantasy boy is 18, okay? Really. He just looks young, that's all.)

The fantasy isn't about a classic BDSM scene—I'm not into hurting my fantasy boy. (Not much, anyway.) But it's definitely about an erotic power differential. It's not that the fantasy boy doesn't want me—he does, desperately—but I tell him he has to do exactly as I say if he wants to have me. And really, he wants me to tell him what to do, because he's very conscious of his lack of experience. So I direct him through each freed button on my blouse, each slippery kiss behind my knee. And if he doesn't do something properly, well then he simply has to do it over again, doesn't he?

Now, before all you horny young guys deluge me with e-mails, recall that I'm not currently casting for this exact fantasy. Why? Because it's such a lovely idea just as it is, I wouldn't want to spoil it with reality. I'm thinking I'll wait on the whole older-woman game until I'm older. (Unless you really are Daniel Radcliffe, in which case I'd be happy to meet up with you in Vancouver, BC, pretty much whenever you want.)

My other fun-to-think-about fantasy is the completely anonymous fuck. Anonymous for them, that is. This one starts out looking a lot like that scene in 9½ Weeks where Kim Basinger is sitting on the bed in the hotel room wearing a blindfold, and a woman she doesn't know and can't see touches her. I've never fucked someone without them ever seeing my face or knowing who I was, but sometimes that idea really works for me. It's almost always a woman in this fantasy—a small and vulnerable-looking woman, and she's definitely nervous, although she's excited as well. In my fantasy, I always know a lot about her, even though she doesn't know who I am. There's a sense that she's taken a risk, poured out her desires to me without even knowing me, and trusted me to take control. But even though she's chosen to do that, part of the thrill in this fantasy is watching her continual struggle between her lust and her natural fear of being so exposed to a stranger she can't see. I'd have to play on that fear a little, remind her in a whisper that she doesn't really know anything about me, does she? I could be anyone, anyone at all, and now she's alone and helpless with me. A sharp tug of her hair, or a slap of her breast, would underscore the erotic threat very nicely in this fantasy.

The mind is the biggest sexual organ, isn't it? If you'll excuse me, I think I'm going to go take a long hot bath.


Kink Calendar



A $50 prize to the hottest hunk in cowhide. Seattle Eagle, 314 E Pike St, 621-7591, 9 pm–close, no cover for full leather, $3 for partial leather, $5 otherwise.


Always wanted to try girls? Now's your chance. Single men must RSVP for the waiting list, couples and single women can just show up. 425-868-8169 or www.redmond-ranch.com, doors at 7 pm, new people must arrive by 8 pm, $45 for couples/$25 for single women.



Shop the fetish bazaar, watch film shorts from CineKink, dress up for the fetish ball, and take in the circus show and live auction. Consolidated Works, 500 Boren Ave N. Events start at noon, ticket prices vary, purchase tickets online at cirquedunoc.com or call 1-800-838-3006, 18+.


Domesticated fancy rats, showcased with a holiday motif. Santa's rolling in his grave. Edgewood Grange Hall, 1806 Meridian E, Edgewood, WA, 11 am–6 pm, free.



Babeland sex educators teach what the G-spot is, where to find it, and how to stimulate it. Babeland, 707 E Pike St, 328-2914,7:30 pm, $30/sliding scale available.


My partner Max's rope bondage class, in conjunction with the "Bondage Is the Point" party. This month: Make your erotic ropework more escape proof. Wet Spot, 270-9746, www.bondagelessons.com, 2:30 pm, $30/$35, nonmembers welcome at workshop, members only at party that follows.