Every year, I make two Christmas wish lists. There's the one I give my mom, and then there's the one I share with Max and my perverted pals. The one I show my vanilla family suggests stuff like a Sonicare toothbrush and the new Madonna CD.

The kinky gift list looks rather different. It says stuff like: New ball gag, small. Four boxes of play piercing needles. Electrified cock ring. And there's a big new toy I want, a vacuum bed. A vacuum bed is a roughly six-foot-by-three-foot rectangular frame with two sheets of latex stretched snugly over it. You slip in between the sheets and place a breathing tube in your mouth. The rubber envelope is sealed shut around you and then a vacuum hose is used to suck all the air out. The latex instantly tightens around your body and immobilizes you. Trust me, I tried it—you really can't move. The strong, even pressure all over my body reminded me of being underwater. From the outside, the victims look like Han Solo, when Jabba the Hutt had him frozen in carbonite. A boy I know got in one wearing a pair of shorts, and when the hose was turned on, I could see the outline of his Prince Albert piercing. It's tight.

So I can't wait to get this, but there is something about getting all excited about toys like this that makes you think, "God, I am truly perverted." But if I had any issues with that, a quick look at my friends' Christmas lists would reassure me that I'm not the only one. Some of the stuff was relatively innocuous. Silver says, "I really want a purple PVC cat suit, and if Santa also brought me a pair of shiny lace-up boots, I would suck the chrome off of his trailer hitch." I'm sure he'd like that better than cookies.

Other responses made me think my friends might be channeling Houdini. Monk said, "I'd like a steel cannon ball with a ring welded on top for hanging off a strategically placed crotch rope." Jim: "Oh, a person-sized clear-water tank with a lid, and a hot-water tank capable of filling it." (Note to self: Add these to the lengthy list of scenes I will never do as a bottom.)

Allena, ever the practical switch, replied, "Red hemp rope. Red looks really good on both my boy and on me, so it would be versatile."

Rossi wants "some pony gear in my size, and a good beating." You'll have to write Santa about the bridle and bit for your pretty head, Rossi—but if the fat guy drops the ball on the beating part, just let me know. What are friends for?

Jae is a pervert with foresight. "A three-foot singletail, as much rope as it would take to immobilize me for several hours comfortably, electrical implements of torture and orgasm, and play dates scheduled to use all of the above. I'll also need a barrel of Bruise Balm, a case of iron supplements, and a gallon of Arnica montana gel." Sounds charming—but immobilize you comfortably? What's the point in that? Just add some Epsom salts for sore muscles—you'll be fine.

Max and I always have two present-unwrapping ceremonies—one for just us, and one with the family. But if you're daring, there are some pervertibles you can sneak by the kinfolk. Giving your spanko sweetie a bunch of big wooden spoons and spatulas? They're kitchen utensils, what could be more innocent? Spring clamps for the CBT lover? Hey, you got them at a hardware store, no one can prove a thing. Clothespins for someone who owns a dryer is a little tougher to explain, but there's always those delicate hand washables. And a spool of nylon rope is easily defensible—if you own a sailboat.

I do know some kinky people who are out to their families, but even so, it just seems wrong to ask squeamish relatives to put nipple clamps and butt plugs in your stocking. Besides, even if I told my mother I wanted a new bungee sex sling, I doubt she'd know where to shop.


Kink Calendar



The Wet Spot's kinky dance party: Socialize, dance, have sex, and do BDSM to a gothic/industrial soundtrack. Wet Spot, 270-9746 or info@wetspot.org, 9 pm–2 am, $10.

FRIDAY 12/23


Like fucking machines? Check out the latest in sexy engineering by the folks at Thrillhammer. Wet Spot, 270-9746 or info@wetspot.org, 9 pm–2 am. Wet Spot membership or membership in a local swing or sex-positive organization required, bring ID, $15.

FRIDAY 12/24


Enjoy the kinky story of Our Lord and Savior's illegitimate birth, as recounted by the Most Reverend Alexander J. Brunett. St. James Cathedral, 804 Ninth Ave, midnight, free.

SUNDAY 12/25


Ditch the family and hang out with some real kinky folks at the Wet Spot Xmas party. Movies and socializing on the main dungeon floor (turkey and mashed potatoes provided; guests are encouraged to bring side dishes) plus play in the back rooms. Wet Spot, info@wetspot.org or 270-9746 for more info, 6 pm–midnight, free, membership required (members may bring adult guests).



Get new leathers for Christmas? Come show them off. A good minimum is 501s, boots, and a black T-shirt, and major pieces of leather, rubber, and uniforms are encouraged. Open to all genders and orientations. Cuff Complex, 1533 13th Ave, 323-1525, www.seattlemeninleather.org, 7 pm–10 pm, $3, 21+.