Here's a snippet of a conversation I had with a woman I'd just met:

My husband told me he wants to be submissive in bed and I'm all freaked out. I don't know how to do that. But I want to keep him out of your dungeon—no offense, but for one thing, we can't afford you!

No offense taken, sweetheart, I understand. Yeah, it can be unsettling for a lover to reveal a facet of his sexuality you hadn't known about before. But try not to let insecurity (I don't know how to be dominant!) and defensiveness (What's wrong with our sex life now?) dictate your response.

First, narrow down what "being submissive" means to your sweetie. I'm sure your man is a special snowflake and there's no one quite like him. However, in my vast experience, there are some themes that are very common to the kink-curious man. They are: being tied up, anal penetration, a little hand slapping of the ass and/or cock, and nipple pinching. I will bet you money that at least three out of those four things will flip your boy's switch. Combine them with some fucking and that's a fabulous starting place.

None of those activities require tons of know-how. I've written here in this column all about how to do them right. What's harder to teach, though, is how to integrate an understanding of your partner's kinky side into your overall relationship. People panic because they think spanking their partner means that the whole relationship is going to change. That's usually not true. Sure, there are people like me, for whom kink is a part of daily life. And a fantasy denied is a hungry thing, so your husband may even say things like, "I want to be your slave."

But I have a rather vulgar expression that I use when an anal-virgin boy brings me a 10-inch dildo: "Your eyes are bigger than your asshole." He's not going to take that monster up his ass the first time out—or maybe ever. And some people's eyes are bigger than their assholes in every aspect of kink. They've been fantasizing about it for so long that their perspective is skewed. I can't guarantee you that your husband isn't going to run off and leave you for a dominatrix. But the odds are on your side. For every full-time pervert, there are a lot more people who just want a kinky fuck now and then, and then it's back to business as usual—whatever that looks like for you two. So keep it in perspective.

If you agree to explore this with your sweetheart, don't hold back or be resentful. You won't cure your partner of an inconvenient desire by treating it shabbily or trying to make it a disappointing experience. You'll just make him try to fulfill it with someone else. Who knows, you might actually enjoy it, as unlikely as you think that is. But just going into it wholeheartedly will go a long way toward keeping your boy out of my dungeon. I'm sure he's a peach, but as it happens, I already have plenty.

Kink Calendar



Rain City Jacks is a private, men-only JO club that's alcohol, smoke, and attitude free.,, 7—10 pm (doors close at 8 pm), membership required.



Come enjoy an entire evening at Little Red Studio dedicated to short, sexy plays by local authors. Little Red Studio, 750 Harrison St, 328-4758,, 9 pm, $15, reservations recommended.


This Eastside swingers' group formerly known as Redmond Ranch is offering a $20 discount for first-time couples this weekend. Single men must request to be added to the waiting list; couples and single women can just show up. Eros Events, 425-868-8169,, 7 pm, new people must arrive by 7:30 pm, $30 for new couples, $50 for returning couples, $30 for single women.


Socialize, flirt, and do BDSM with the girls. All orientations welcome. Wet Spot, 1602 15th Ave W, Building E, 270-9746,, 9 pm—3 am, $15, members only, female ID required.



A casual, social event for all people interested in chatting about honest, open nonmonogamy. An accessible, family-friendly event. Wayward Coffeehouse, 8570 Greenwood Ave N,, 7:30 pm, free.