Caller: ...Oh, yeah, hi.
This guy's off to a bad start. Why? He's got his stereo cranked up so loud I can hardly hear him. And it's—oh, god, I think that's Bon Jovi! Why do I think this caller is going to give love a bad name?
Me: Can you turn that down, please?
Me: THE MUSIC! TURN IT DOWN!
Caller: Hold on, babe. [Turns music down] Okay, that's better. I couldn't hear you with the music up. What were you saying?
Me: [heavy sigh] Can I help you?
Caller: Yeah. I saw your picture online. And I love redheads, so I wanted to book a session with you.
Me: Hmmmm... I think redheads are pretty, too. But actually, I'm not one. Are you sure it was my photo you saw?
Caller: Yeah, yeah, it was you. Long straight red hair, really hot. And a whole bunch of cool tattoos on one shoulder—I love that.
Me: No, that's not me. I don't have red hair, and I don't have any tattoos anywhere.
Caller: Huh. Well, anyway, I want to book an appointment for Saturday night. Can you see me about 11:00 p.m., maybe midnight?
Me: No. As it says on my website, I only make appointments in the daytime.
Caller: Oh. Well, anyway, I want to do this scene where you, like, tie me up and leave me locked in a closet for hours. Like a kidnapping thing, you know?
Me: That's not an uncommon fantasy, but, sorry, I don't do those types of scenes. For one thing, it's not safe to tie someone up and then leave them alone.
Caller: Or you could just tie me up and leave me in the bathroom or something.
Jesus, no wonder he didn't bother to turn his tunes down. He's not listening to a thing I'm saying anyway. This is like the kink version of that Far Side cartoon where the man is scolding his dog, but all the dog is hearing is "blah blah blah, Ginger, blah blah."
Fortunately, it's not me he's lusting for; it's some other girl. And when he realizes that he'll stop bugging me. I just hope I don't have to sing about how it's just him and his hand tonight, because while I may share Pink's sentiments, I don't have her pipes.
Caller: When I come over Saturday, I can bring this cool gag I bought and—
Me: Great! Put it in your mouth right now and listen to me. Do you understand that I don't have red hair and tattoos? I do not do late-night sessions. And I don't do captivity scenes, either. I am not the girl you want. So, no, you are not coming over Saturday.
Caller: Oh. How about Friday, then?
Me: Dude, I am trying to tell you: I am exactly not what you want.
Caller: No way, babe, you're totally perfect for me!
Click. I hang up.
SATURDAY 7/14POLY POTLUCK
Open to people of all genders and orientations who are involved or interested in polyamorous relationships. Wet Spot, 1602 15th Ave W, The Annex, www.scn.org/~spg, 728-4533, 5—8 pm, $3—$5 donation, membership not required.KISSING SCHOOL
Kissing School is a safe, playful way to explore tantra and experience the kiss sublime. No previous experience necessary. Location info at www.kissingschool.com, 10:30 am—5 pm, $325 per couple, preregistration required.SAMISH BAY BIVALVE BASH
Warm the heart of your cockles with a 250-yard Low Tide Mud Run and a 100-yard Kids Fun Mud Run, oysters, clams, mussels, strawberry shortcake, and nonalcoholic beverages! Proceeds from the homespun day of games, contests, and food support the community clean water awareness programs of Skagit Conservation Education Alliance. Fun for the whole family! Taylor Shellfish Farms, Bow, Washington, www.bivalvebash.com, 9:30 am—5 pm, $5.
SUNDAY 7/15PARADISE POOL TIME
A clothing-optional "swim and be social" event at an indoor pool. The Longhouse in Redmond, 270-9746, email@example.com, noon—4 pm, $10, RSVP required, Wet Spot members and their guests only.SEX-POSITIVE CONCERT/DANCE
A concert with SJ Tucker, frontwoman for Skinny White Chick, with dancing, play, and sexy socializing afterwards. Wet Spot, 1602 15th Ave W, Building E, www.wetspot.org, 728-4533, 5—11 pm, $20, membership not required.THE BIG O
Orgasm education for women only! Babeland sex educators will discuss pleasure-based anatomy, the G-spot, female ejaculation, sex toys, and how to overcome blocks that prevent women from having an orgasm. Babeland, 707 E Pike St, 328-2914, 7:30 pm, $30.
MONDAY 7/16THE WOMEN'S WELCOMING COMMITTEE PARTY
A casual social event for women of all orientations. The WWC meets monthly to answer questions and provide resources for women new to the Seattle BDSM/fetish community. Hot Dish, 2255 NE 65th St, www.wwcseattle.org, 7—9 pm, $3 suggested donation.