Man Seeking Woman
by Mistress Matisse
“It’s 2006,” he said earnestly. “And this year, I’m gonna put up a personal ad so I can meet some kinky girls!”
I’ve heard this from several different guys lately, and I think it’s a grand idea. Not only have I used personal ads myself, I have also been privy to many conversations with kinky women who cruise the personal ads. So, let me give you some tips on how to impress the ladies of the fetish community.
Be honest and don’t attempt to use insider lingo if you’re new to kink. You will invariably get part of it wrong, which will brand you as a foolish poser. Or it’ll set you up for a date with someone you think is a really big Louis Armstrong fan… only to find that they mean the other kind of scat.
If you’re 23-years-old, you do not have 10 years of experience in kink. No, no, you really don’t. Throwing lit matches at your bunkmates at summer camp does not count as a BDSM relationship.
On the other hand, a man over 50 who states that he is seeking women between 18–26 is courting ridicule and gold diggers.
Everyone is looking for “someone who is serious” and “not into game playing.” Using these phrases is tantamount to saying you like to go for long walks on the beach. Another phrase to avoid: “…the gift of your/my submission.” I know you mean well, but it’s become such an eye-rolling cliché that she’ll be hitting the back button as soon as she reads it.
To he who would be Master: I’ve heard a number of submissive women put forth the theory that there is an inverse ratio between a man’s skill as a dominant and how early in the communication cycle he mentions using blowjobs as a tool for “training” a submissive. Consider your approach here carefully.
Also, addressing all female submissives, generically, as “little one” or “little girl” is about as suave as calling vanilla women “sexy mama.” You might as well wear a bad hairpiece.
To those seeking a Mistress: announcing you like to do “pussy worship” does not strongly differentiate you from 98 percent of the ads on the vanilla dating sites, let alone other male submissives. If you really want to jump off the page, let us know you’re willing to do “dirty dishes worship.”
Poetry in your ad? Usually a really bad idea. Especially if you’ve written it yourself, and most especially if you try to rhyme “bondage” with “homage.”
Having, or being, a caged and naked sex slave is fine—for a weekend. If you write an ad seriously stating that you’re looking for a relationship in which one of you lives in a dog crate indefinitely, you might as well entitle your profile “Whack Job Seeks Same!”
Speaking of whack jobs: Anyone who starts talking about relocation in the first e-mail exchange is not someone to whom I’d give my home address. Ever.
Now, a word about pictures—although not a thousand of them. Guys, I’m a very sex-positive girl, and even I don’t want to see a close-up of your crankshaft before I’ve decided if I like you or not. So ix-nay on the nothing-but-dick pix, please. I’ve seen some attractive full-length nude shots, but generally, a head and (clothed) torso is best. I know some of you don’t want to put your face in the shot, so I’ll grudgingly permit you some creative camera angles or cropping. But no silly face-hiding techniques. Those executioner masks, for example? No. The kindest possible interpretation would be that you’re going for Quentin Tarantino–style irony. But, really—no.
And be careful of props. A motorcycle, for example, is a good prop. Pictures of you with your Ren faire sword are borderline, but no Captain Jack Sparrow hats. Pictures of you with your dog would probably be fine on a vanilla dating site, but it might raise niggling doubts on a kink site if you seem a little too affectionate.
The crucial thing to bring to the whole experience is a sense of humor about it. To paraphrase Oscar Wilde, love—and the search for it—is much too important to be taken seriously.
JACK OFF PARTY
Rain City Jacks is a private, men-only JO club that’s alcohol-, smoke-, and attitude-free. Raincityjacks.org or email@example.com, 6:30–9:30 pm, membership required.
REDMOND RANCH SWING CLUB
Swing club Redmond Ranch hosts “Fantasy Night.” Single men must RSVP for waiting list, couples/single women can just show up, 425-868-8169. Doors at 7 pm, new people must arrive by 8 pm, $45 for couples/$25 for single women.
MALE MULTIPLE ORGASMS
It’s not just for women! Sex educator Ian Hagemann discusses male-multiple-orgasm techniques in a safe and welcoming environment. School of One, 523-5544 or www.schoolofone.com, 8–10 pm, $20 donation requested.
BDSM play party for the boys. Wet Spot, firstname.lastname@example.org or 270-9746, 10 pm–3 am, $15, male ID required, membership required.
LOVE LOUNGE SEATTLE
Love Lounge is an “adult social club” that holds events for bi women and male/female couples—no single men, please. Lovelounge@lovelounge.net, 9:30 pm, no cover, membership required, 21+.
PERSONAL SAFETY FOR PERVERTS
Meeting new prospective partners? Jennifer of Libido Events discusses first meetings, safe calls, negotiating, safe words, what to do when things go wrong, and abuse of power. Wet Spot, wetspot.org or 270-9746, 3:30–5:30 pm, $20, membership not required.
TELEPATHIC COMMUNICATION: THE KEY TO UNLOCKING THE SASQUATCH MYSTERY
Social scientist, world traveler, and preeminent Sasquatch researcher Kewaunee Lapseritis holds forth on the kinky key to cracking the Sasquatch mystery—telepathic communication! Seattle Museum of the Mysteries, 623 Broadway E, 328-6499, 7-9 pm, $5.
Are you a newcomer who’d like a little sample of bondage, flogging, needle-play, or other BDSM techniques? Explore different kink sensations with experienced volunteers. Wet Spot, wetspot.org or 270-9746, 7–11 pm, $10, membership required.