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Questions for the Mistress

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A day's email...

Dear Mistress: I have a problem with marks after play, as I am naked every day in front of other girls at the gym. I am not sure about how to answer the question, "What happened?" I don't want to lie, nor do I want to be rude, but I also don't want to go into detail.

Delicate-skinned bottoms come up with some fairly creative excuses. A pal who hikes always claims to have fallen down on a gravel trail, and playing sports of any kind can certainly cover your ass, so to speak. It sort of depends on the type of marks, too. Hand-shaped red marks on your butt are fairly self-explanatory. You could just laugh and say, "My honey and I got a little wild last night." Chances are they won't inquire further, but if they do, you could say, "Sorry, I don't kiss and tell."

If that's too direct, or if the marks are more amorphous, shrug and say, "Oh, I bruise so easily, it could be from anything. So, what'd you do this weekend?"

Hello. You must do normal stuff sometimes. I'd like to take you out to dinner.

I do lots of normal things. Why, I recently went to the Bellevue Home Show and had a conversation with a nice man about granite countertops. However, I prefer to do even normal things in the company of my kinky friends. And sending me unsigned emails that sound snarky about my life as a kinkster is not the way to become a friend of mine.

Dear Matisse: I know you're going to think I'm full of shit, but this is a serious question, because I've had two girls make some remarks. So tell me straight: How big is too big?

Well, recognize that when it comes to dick size, women's preferences and capacity varies broadly. For one girl, you're "Too-Tall Jones," but for another, you're the hottest thing on three legs. But if you want a number... well, when I hold my hand in the duck-shadow-puppet position one uses for fisting, it's about seven and three-quarters of an inch around at the knuckle. I've put this hand in a lot of pussies, so if your dick is smaller around than that, seems like you ought to be within the realm of reason. (Especially since you don't have knucklebones in your dick.) You are using lube, right?

If it's a length issue and you're banging into her cervix, try doggie style with her legs pressed together.

Dear Matisse: How come I keep meeting submissive women with abuse issues? I've heard quite a few stories of people who presently consider themselves masochists/subs that have previous experience having nonconsensual experiences where they were victimized.

You're not the first person I've heard make a remark about this issue. My response is that while a lot of women in the world have been abused at one time or another, I really don't think there is an unusually high proportion of such women in the BDSM community. What I do think is true is that submissive women are more likely to talk about it. And that's a good thing, because before engaging in any BDSM activity with someone, one should make full disclosure about any emotional buttons that may get pushed. Most of the time when I negotiate with a woman, I ask her if she's got any hotspots so I can avoid them. I've also done a few scenes where I was requested to deliberately play on certain themes to help someone work through an intense memory. That's something I don't undertake lightly, and certainly don't recommend to everyone. But either way, I definitely want to hear about it. Because if someone suddenly flips out in the middle of a scene—perhaps after I unwittingly called them the same pet name Uncle Chester the Molester used to—that'll be an unpleasant experience for both of us. So, a markedly higher incidence of abuse survivors turned submissive? I don't think so. More communication about it? Definitely.

matisse@thestranger.com

Kink Calendar

THURSDAY 1/26

AUSTRALIA’S THUNDER FROM DOWN UNDER
Indulge your kink for bachelorette-party naughtiness at the Skagit Valley Casino, where tonight the sexy wads of Aussie man-beef known as the “Thunder from Down Under” will rock the stage with two bulge-tastic shows, both featuring a “sexy vampire who happens to be an expert in martial arts.” Skagit Valley Casino Resort, 5984 N Darrk Lane, Bow, 628-0888 for tickets, shows at 6:30 pm and 9 pm, $25.

FRIDAY 1/27

BURLESQUE AT THE COLUMBIA CITY CABARET
After the Thunder from Down Under, get ready for the Jiggling Titties of the Emerald City! Featuring Miss Indigo Blue, Tamara the Trapeze Lady, the Emerald City All-Stars, Pa-Ooh-Lah the Swedish Housewife, and special guest from London, BurlyQ’s Fancy Chance. Columbia City Theatre, 4916 Rainier Ave S, 723-0088, 9 pm, $15, 21+.

EROTIC CITY NEW-MEMBER MIXER
Dance, play, socialize and be sexual, in a softer, swing-club-like atmosphere. Wet Spot, erotic-city@wetspot.org, 9 pm–2 am, $15, Wet Spot membership or membership in a local swing or sex-positive organization required.

BEGINNING DATE PROFILING
Dating is an investment—how do you guarantee he/she is worth your time? Learn to cut through the hype on the first few dates and spot deal breakers early on, or uncover your date’s hidden assets. School of One, 523-5544, www.schoolofone.com, 8–10 pm, $20 donation requested.

SATURDAY 1/28

LITTLE RED STUDIO: A SENSUAL REPAST
Dinner and erotic entertainment, with some audience participation. Little Red Studio, 328-4758, www.littleredstudioseattle.com, 6:30 pm, ticket prices vary, RSVP required.

LEATHER VENDOR TASTING NIGHT
This pansexual BDSM play party will feature one or two local vendors and a play area to try out new toys with expert assistance. Wet Spot, 270-9746 or info@wetspot.org, 9 pm–3 am, $15, membership required.

SUNDAY 1/29

STRAP-ON SEDUCTIONS
Pick the dick of your dreams and use it like a pro! Babeland sex educators Ingrid and Ashley will review harnesses, dildos, positions, packing, and dildo cock sucking. Babeland, 707 E Pike St, 328-2914, 7:30 pm, $30/sliding scale available.

 

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