Ring ring!

Me: Hello?

Caller: Mistress Matisse? Yeah, I'm calling because... well, I saw you once, several years ago. And it was great. But I've been reading those news stories about the madam in DC who gave her phone records to the media, and then everyone found out that senator from Louisiana had been calling her. And it kinda got me worried.

Me: So, you called me to tell me that you're worried about people finding out that you called me?

Caller: I'm on a pay phone.

Me: Ah. Well, I can assure you that I wouldn't do that, and besides, unlike that madam, lots of people call me just to tell me they liked my column or ask me for a little sex advice. That happens all the time. So even if someone got a copy of the phone company's records—which is highly unlikely—just having your number in there doesn't mean anything.

Caller: Maybe so, but what about your private records?

Me: Private records? There's no such thing. I don't keep written records of who comes to see me for sessions.

Caller: You don't? Oh, come on, sure you do.

Me: No, I really don't. Mostly just because I can't be bothered, but also so that they don't fall into the wrong hands. I just rely on my memory when it comes to people I've seen before.

Caller: Hey, no offense, but that's what you'd say, isn't it? But how do I know that?

Oh, good lord. How about because if I was willing to keep detailed records of names and dates and contact information on the people I dealt with, I'd work at the Department of Motor Vehicles. One of the many benefits of being part of the underground economy is that I don't have to do shit like that.

Me: I guess you don't. You're just going to have to trust me.

Caller: No, I'm in a real delicate position here. So I'd like to ask you, with respect, to remove my information from your records. I don't want to have to be an asshole about this, but...

Another benefit of my job is that I don't have to put up with anyone who gets on my nerves, and my patience, never renowned for its longevity, is definitely beginning to fray. This guy's worried about me keeping his information confidential, so he calls me up and tries to get heavy with me? He's lucky I don't keep records, because if I did I'd be writing "Not the sharpest tool in the shed" next to his name.

Me: Look, sweetie, I just told you—I don't keep records. There's nothing to remove your name from.

Caller: No, I just don't believe that.

Me: Okay, fine. You tell me your name and phone number, and I'll remove it from these records you're sure I have.

There's a long pause, and then the phone goes dead. Chalk one up for the spirit of cooperation.


Kink Calendar



Rain City Jacks is a private, men-only JO club that's alcohol-, smoke-, and attitude-free. Raincityjacks.org, rc@raincityjacks.org, 7—10 pm (doors close at 8 pm), membership required.



Socialize, flirt, and do BDSM with the girls. All orientations welcome. Wet Spot, 1602 15th Ave W, Building E, 270-9746, women-only@wetspot.org, 9 pm—2 am, $15, members only, female ID required.


This Eastside swingers' group is throwing an orally oriented party, with informational workshops for both genders. Single men must request to be added to the waiting list; couples and single women can just show up. Eros Events, 425-868-8169, www.eros-events.org, 7 pm, new people must arrive by 7:30 pm, $30 for new couples, $50 for returning couples, $30 for single women.



Laminate flooring was invented in 1977 by the Swedish company Pergo. From the very beginning, we knew there was something different and special about laminate flooring. First, it was packaged eight planks to a carton, approximately four feet, or half the length of packaged wood flooring. This lightweight, easy-to-handle carton could be transported by car or in an elevator with ease, even though its contents equaled approximately 20 square feet, or two square meters. Because of these revolutionary factors and ease of installation, a large do-it-yourself market was created in Sweden that persists today. In fact, over 90 percent of laminate flooring in Sweden still is self-installed! Come experience a demonstration of how to install this amazing material, using a system of tongue in groove and glue. IKEA, 601 SW 41st Street, Renton, www.ikea-usa.com/Seattle. Free at noon, 2, and 4 pm.



Jim Duval teaches suspension bondage with demos and drills. Previous rope experience required—this is not a class for new riggers. Wear loose clothing and bring rope. Limited to 16 people, preregistration required. Please contact jim@jimduvall.com for information about prerequisites and registration. Wet Spot, 1602 15th Ave W, Building E, 270-9746, www.sexpositiveculture.org, 10 am—6 pm, $100, membership not required.



A friendly discussion group for women of all orientations, the WWC meets monthly to answer questions and provide resources for women new to the Seattle BDSM/fetish community. Rosebud Restaurant & Bar, 719 E Pike St, www.wwcseattle.org, 7—9 pm, $3 suggested donation.