Son of a bitch. Fuck South Dakota and those scheming little pro-âlifeâ assholes. They didnât wait long to take their shiny new Supreme Court out for a spin, did they? I remember all the promises about how these two uptight ideologues wouldnât have any effect on the Roe v. Wade question like it was yesterday. Oh wait, that was yesterday. Fuck.
Of course, not all South Dakotians are behind this invasion in utero. A whopping 25 percent of the residents of the Coyote State support banning abortion outright. So what is wrong with those assholes in Pierre? Itâs the same fucking thing thatâs screwy with all the other âFamily Valuesâ zealots. They just love telling the rest of us how to behave, but the logic they use makes George Costanza sound like Stephen Fucking Hawking.
Like, letâs take Bill Napoli, Head Baby-Saver-in-Chief and general sponsor of bills that would make Mother Teresa do a spit take. Just in case you havenât heard it yet, hereâs Bill explaining how someone who wasnât on deathâs doormat could get an abortion under the Taliban â sorry â South Dakota bill:
âA real-life description to me would be a rape victim, brutally raped, savaged. The girl was a virgin. She was religious. She planned on saving her virginity until she was married. She was brutalized and raped, sodomized as bad as you can possibly make it, and is impregnated. I mean, that girl could be so messed up, physically and psychologically, that carrying that child could very well threaten her life.â
Hang on one motherfucking second. The only women this asshole thinks should be allowed to get abortions are the ones who never miss church? What kind of ass-backward, bullshit argument is that? Is this the new virginity promotion plan? Keep your hymen intact, pray on your knees every night, and if youâre unlucky enough to get brutally raped in one of Bill Napoliâs fantasies (and sodomized, nice touch), youâll be able to get your abortion nice and legal-like, provided the whole experience has left your noggin fried to a tender golden crisp. That, right there, is fucking brilliant. Can we outlaw prime rib for everyone but the vegans next?
And yes, Senator Napoli is the same fucker who says that most abortions these days are for, no kidding, âconvenience.â Because taking a pill or slapping on a piece of latex is way, way less convenient than spending your afternoon in stirrups while strangers poke at your private bits with hoses and forceps.
Exactly where did these fuckers get the idea that people are getting abortions like itâs a walk in the park? âOh shit, I got so wrapped up teaching my kids to be gay that I completely forgot to get my abortion! I sure hope they can murder this baby on Friday or itâs going to completely screw up my weekend.â
But thatâs not the biggest lie these fuckers are peddling. Anyone whoâs taken an intro to stats course can tell you that thereâs no relationship at all between whether abortion is illegal and how many abortions people get. In fact, countries that do have bans in place have some of the highest rates of abortion on the fucking planet. And, hereâs a shocker, they also have the most women dying when they get one.
And itâs not just because theyâre getting invasive procedures from amateurs. Itâs that instead of preventing abortion, pro-life laws just put them off until theyâre more dangerous. So those same assholes who are tsk-tsking about the rise in late-term abortions? Theyâre the ones who are fucking causing them.
Sorry â too many numbers for your little heads to crunch? Itâs not about statistics, itâs about personal responsibility? Whatever â weâre not completely blind to your fucking double standards. We know that what you scream at the TV cameras has nothing to do what what you actually do.
Itâs easy to be an extremist when itâs not your daughter picking out a maternity dress for her junior prom. When the oats hit the millstone, you fuckers find a way to get your mind around abortion being okay just this one time because your special flower canât be bothered with changing diapers while sheâs working full-time as a sidewalk counselor.
So letâs drop the caring about the babies bullshit, okay? There are more kids in protective custody in South Dakota than there were abortions last year, so if youâre done pushing bloody photos in Sallyâs face when she shows up for her pap smear, how about swinging by childrenâs services and giving one of those whippersnappers a home. Or do your politics stop at the edge of the vaginal canal?
And just this once, can we leave your fucking megachurches out of this debate? Youâre basing your politics on stories passed down for hundreds of years before anyone bothered to put them down in ink? You guys so never played Telephone growing up, did you? Some vicar tells you that the Almighty is using pack animals and sewing implements to make decisions about who gets into the Happy Place and youâre all, âI make the check out to whom?â You donât think maybe Brother Brewmeister might have mistranslated whole sections of your moral code, do you? Whatâs next, getting into heaven is as hard as riding a thoroughbred through a buttonhole? Jesus fucking Christ, is there anything they can say that you wonât believe?
And thatâs just the New Testament, where things donât get much stranger than, âI wave my magic wand and... shazam! Fifty trout and a bucket of pumpernickel!â Most of you pious fuckers are taking your cues from the ancient scrolls where Thor starts flinging frogs and giving us pimples when he doesnât get his way.
âDude. Your wifeâs a spice rack. What the fuck did she say to Yahweh?â
Donât even try and play this off like itâs just a bunch of prairie extremists who are pushing this radical agenda. Itâs just that South Dakotaâs legislature is willing to admit what the pro-life movement is really after: forced pregnancy. And theyâre not the only dicks who want their chicks barefoot and knocked up â assholes in at least 10 other states are preparing to turn a procedure that more than a third of American women get at some point during their lives into a fucking felony.
And while one hand is knocking down abortion clinics, the other is stealing our rubbers and trying to convince us that âabstinence is cool!â is the only answer kids should get to the whole âWhere do babies come from?â line of questioning.
Abstinence. Now thereâs a workable curriculum if I ever heard one. Look, do you really think youâre gonna get a bunch of hormone-soaked highschoolers to keep it in their pants because their teachers say itâs the right thing to do? You dickheads put the âHolyâ in âHoly fuck, have you ever actually met a teenager?â
Okay, okay, you save-it-for-the-honeymooners might manage to get a few teens to hold off on the wild thing for a year or so, but those same abstinence-only classes are driving the kiddos to do the wilder thing.
Thatâs right you self-righteous dickheads, while youâre bragging about how your youngsters are getting it on with the Silver Ring Thing and saving themselves for their nuptial night, theyâre out blowing each other in the back of your SUV and rediscovering those classic Butthole Surfers albums, if you know what I mean. Which lesson plan has the part about how the Slippery Cowgirl is a good alternative to Premarital Missionary?
Yâall keep peddling this abstinence bullshit and youâre gonna wish your little tykes were fucking like rabbits. At least bunnies stick to the straight-up doggy style â your kids are doing shit that would make Jenna Jameson snap her legs shut.
No, seriously. You think the big porn stars are assfucking without a condom? And those guys get paid, motherfucker. Your kids are having unsafe sex as a fucking hobby.
And are you sure you want to be promoting a vow of celibacy at this point in the news cycle, Cardinal NAMBLA?
While weâre talking sodomy, you bible humpers are gonna have to decide where you come down on the Going Down question. Is it sex, or isnât it? Youâre fucked either way, so Iâll make it easy on you â itâs sex. Someone makes someone else cum, and thatâs the end of that. Or the beginning if youâre lucky. So, yes, Virginia, Clinton was having the sex with Monica in the study with the candlestick â um â cigar.
Speaking of shooting people in the face, yâall better stop complaining that we're making too big a deal out of Cheneyâs little hunting mishap. It might not have anything to do with his job performance, but you fuckers impeached Bubba when he unloaded on his partner, and that shit was a whole lot less painful.
And besides, abortion rates dropped faster while Bubba was getting busy in the West Wing than when Mr. Born Again and Again took the throne. What was that? Youâre all about a Culture of Life? Turns out if you donât have a Culture of Donât Send My Job to Mexico to go with it, weâre not all that interested in listening to some silver spooner shovel that morality shit down our throats.
See, the problem here is your Intelligent Designer didnât engineer no fucking automatons. People just donât take orders like you think they do. Just Say No! You bet - just let me take one more hit. No smoking! (Cough) Sure thing, boss. Donât eat that dirt! Mrnfph?
Just ask the Catholics if you donât believe me. Could the Pope be any clearer on the abortion question? Go on, take a stab at how that affects the behavior of the masses in the masses. Jesus Christ, donât you see this shit coming by now? Their abortion rates are almost the same as the national average. And when I say almost I mean slightly higher. Itâs sort of like everything you believe is wrong. Oh wait, itâs exactly like that.
So if Godâs super shepherd canât convince his flock to to stop with the abortions, what do you think the chances are that some perverted Senator from Rabid City is gonna bring this whole thing to a grinding halt?
It ainât gonna fucking happen. This is one of those places where the supply-siders actually know what theyâre talking about. Want to stop abortions? Get those kids an instruction manual before they start messing around with their fucking equipment. Youâre not going stop them from doing the purple piledriver, so get over yourselves and start handing out the hard hats before they show up at your door asking, âMommy, is my wonderwand supposed to ooze like this?â
See, natureâs not on your side, you nattering nabobs of nativity. You can wax nostalgic about the good olâ days all you want, but youâre in for a fucking surprise if we wind up winding back that clock. Check your history books, assholes: Back when abortion was illegal and contraception was just a forbidden apple in some pharmacistâs eye, American abortion rates were more than five fucking times higher than they are today.
So, class, what have we learned in Sex Ed today? The pro-life movement is just fucking with us when they say they want to end abortion, trying to stop teenagers from having sex is like stepping in front of a freight train with a doorstop, and Republican lectures on moral turpitude make Montgomery Burns seem vaguely trustworthy.
You want to live in your own little fantasy world? Great â just take your pretend virgins and your blissful ignorance of statistics and your Right-To-Life-As-Long-As-Itâs-Not-My-Daughter-Whoâs- Got-A-Bun-In-The-Broiler with you when you head back to the Garden of Eden. Weâll all be back here in the real world enjoying our Right to Fuck.