Caller: Hello, Mistress? It's me, Rick. From Pennsylvania? Listen, I know you said not to call you anymore, but please give me another chance.
Me: Rick, I don't think this is a good idea.
Caller: Hey, I know I got a little freaked out about the frothy mix of lube and fecal matter. It's just that it was, you know, my first time with a strap-on. I got a little emotional. It won't happen again, Mistress.
Me: Yeah, you did freak out, Rick, and I don't need that. Butt sex is messy sometimes. A little anal backwash, and you start raving about sodomites and bestiality? I don't want to play with anyone with that many hang-ups about his sexuality.
Caller: Please, Mistress, I'm begging you—my poll numbers are down, elections are coming up, and I'm under a lot of pressure. I really need to see you.
Me: Well... you definitely need some attitude adjustment. And I do have this new Jeff Stryker dildo. Oh, all right—Monday at two o'clock.
Caller: Uh, hi, this is my first time calling. My name is Nick—Nick Lampson. I'm from Texas, and I'd like to come see you.
Me: Nick Lampson—really?
Caller: Yes, ma'am, that's my name.
Me: Hmmm. If that's your name, why does my caller ID say, "Office of U.S. Representative Tom DeLay"?
Caller: (Pause) Shit.
Me: This is Tom, isn't it? Yeah, I recognize your voice from when we met at that foot-worship party. And Nick Lampson is the Democrat you're running against in November, isn't he? Oh, what, were you going to try to create a scandal by booking him an appointment with me and leaking it to Matt Drudge?
Caller: It was just a joke.
Me: I don't think it's very funny, Tom. I think it's a very, very bad thing to do. I think you deserve to be punished.
Me: I said, I think you deserve to be punished.
Caller: Yes, Mistress, I deserve to be punished.
Me: That's better. Come see me Tuesday at four and we'll address your bad behavior.
Caller: It's Dick. Have you made any progress on that thing we talked about?
Me: You know, Dick, you sound rather curt. I don't like that. Ask me again—politely.
Caller: (Sigh) Okay, Mistress, please—can we do that outdoor scene I asked you about?
Me: Well, I've got the paintball guns, no problem, and I got the PVC hunting outfit ordered. But I'm having trouble finding a piece of property where you can run around naked without anyone seeing you. I'm working on it, though. Call me back next week.
Caller: Hello, um, Mistress Matisse? My name's Bill Napoli, I called you last week?
Me: Bill? Oh, yes, Bill—you're the guy from South Dakota, right? Look, I told you, I don't work with any professional submissives, so I can't help you with that religious-virgin-rape fantasy of yours. Frankly, I thought the way you were talking about it was pretty creepy.
Caller: The thing is, Mistress, I wasn't being very honest with you. I know I said I wanted to be the dominant in that scene, but... What I really want is to be the religious virgin who gets brutalized and raped. I want to be sodomized—as bad as you can possibly make it.
Me: Huh. That does put a different spin on the situation. Tell you what, Bill, I'll do it, but only if you book another session where we do the coat-hanger abortion scene.
SATURDAY 4/1–SUNDAY 4/2CELEBRATING THE BODY EROTIC: FOR MALE COUPLES
Learn to give and receive full-body erotic pleasure that stimulates your emotional and spiritual awareness. Spend two days rediscovering each other's erogenous zones in a safe, honoring, and playful setting. $350 per person, contact Dennis Martin 440-5310 or www.bodyelectric.org.
SATURDAY 4/1CASCADE HANDBALLERS
This gay male fist-fucking organization meets at a private location in Seattle. Trim your nails. Donation $10 between 6–8 pm, $15 after 8 pm. RSVP for location: email@example.com.CHASTENWOOD DINNER
Spanking enthusiasts eat, socialize, and discuss the pleasures of the well-reddened behind while meeting in a discreet, no-pressure environment. Newcomers welcome. For info see www.chastenwood.com, 6 pm.
SUNDAY, APRIL 2ROPE BONDAGE WORKSHOP SERIES
This month, bondage photographer Michele Serchuk and bondage model DeLano talk about emotional connection and intent in rope-bondage scenes, featuring slides from their body of work. Wet Spot, 270-9746, www.bondagelessons.com, 2:30 pm, $30/$35, nonmembers welcome at workshop, members only at party that follows.
MONDAY 4/3DOMINANTS AND SUBMISSIVES DISCUSSION GROUPS MEETING
These two monthly discussion groups meet at the same time, in separate spaces, to discuss various topics specific to being a dominant or a submissive. 7:30–9:30 pm, Wet Spot membership not required, $1 donation, e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org for info about the dominants group and email@example.com about the submissives group.
TUESDAY 4/4COCONUT CREAM PIE BLIZZARDS
The kinky freaks at Dairy Queen unveil the new Coconut Cream Pie Blizzard, recently named April's Blizzard of the Month. (Eat shit, Chocolate French Silk Pie Blizzard!) Shove it in your pie-flavored Blizzard hole while you can. Dairy Queen, 10256 16th Ave SW, White Center, 767-4657.