A professional inquiry: Dear Mistress Matisse, Do you do kidnapping scenes? I want a scene where I get kidnapped and put in a car trunk to be taken to a dungeon.
Ah, the kidnapping fantasy, one of those iconic scenes that lots of kinky people fantasize about. It's the ultimate expression of being swept away by someone else's desire for you, and the high drama level makes it feel like you're starring in an action-adventure movie.
So lots of people love the idea of it. However, few kinky people actually do kidnapping scenes, and that's probably good, because there are lots of ways for them to go badly. I was witness to a kidnapping gone wrong years ago, and it made an impression on me.
I was at a party with a large group of kinky lesbians. It was getting late and people were starting to trickle out, when suddenly we all heard, from outside the house, a woman's piercing scream. Now, if you hang around the kink community you hear some screams now and then, and one learns to interpret their various meanings. This was not a happy scream—this was a scream that clearly indicated something bad was happening.
Everyone instantly poured out into the street to find one of the guests—struggling and still screaming—being pulled toward a car by two men. I don't have to tell you how three dozen BDSM dykes—many of whom are in the habit of carrying knives—are going to respond to such a situation. Seeing a swarm of outraged Valkyries descending on them with violent reprisal clearly on their minds, the two guys let go of the woman, threw their hands in the air and yelled, "It's just a scene! It's a kidnapping scene!"
It's hard to explain yourself coherently when you're pinned against a car with a large, pissed-off butch pressing her elbow down on your throat, but gradually the would-be kidnappers managed to convince us that what we were seeing really was part of an agreed-upon kidnapping scene between two women. The problem was that the top had decided to add a bit of spice to the game by having her two male friends do the initial grab, and not knowing the kidnappee personally, they'd grabbed the wrong woman. They were lucky to walk away with their balls intact, and the victim was very upset by the incident.
That unpleasant event put kidnapping scenes on my "I'll pass" list. The risk just seemed disproportionate to the fun. But recently my partner Monk asked me to participate in a kidnapping scene with a woman I'd never met, so I told him this story and discussed some bullet points any erotic kidnapper should know. Such as:
• If any passers-by see you, they're going to call the police—or possibly respond as my friends did and intervene themselves—so speed and stealth are of the essence. I've heard of people covering their asses by pretending to be shooting a movie, but I'm not sure I'd hang my hat on that.
• And that car-trunk thing? Bad idea. For one thing, the fumes may make someone seriously, perhaps fatally, ill. If the car gets rear-ended, they're toast. And as with anyone in bondage, you need the bottom to be able to communicate if something serious is wrong. Either get a van or an SUV, or put the tied-up victim in the back seat under a sheet.
The night of the scene, I elected not to take part in the actual snatch, but wait at my lair for the pretty victim to arrive. When Monk and his henchman carried the bound and blindfolded girl into my dungeon, she was giggling under her gag, which I considered a good indicator that the scene was working for her. I also liked that her lover was present—although silent—the whole time. After an hour of being tormented by leering strangers, we considered that she had paid her ransom in full.
Overall, it proved to be great fun, perhaps because it was what I would call a symbolic kidnapping more than an attempt to create a realistic crime-victim experience. And that's good, because I have absolutely no desire to have a realistic crime-perpetrator experience.
FRIDAY 7/14INK AND STEEL NIGHT AT THE EAGLE
Show off your body mods—no cover if you've got tattoos or piercings. Seattle Eagle, 314 E Pike St, 621-7591, 9 pm, 21+.LITTLE RED STUDIO
Erotic dance and spoken-word entertainment in an intimate, art-studio setting, with some audience participation. Little Red Studio, 1506 Franklin Ave E, littleredstudioseattle.com, 6:30 pm, ticket prices vary, RSVP required.COLUMBIA CITY CABARET
Tamara the Trapeze Lady hosts this sexy variety show featuring live music, aerial acts, and burlesque dancers. Columbia City Theatre, 4916 Rainier Ave S, 723-0088. columbiacitytheatre.com, 9 pm, $15, 21+.
SATURDAY 7/15LOVE LOUNGE SEATTLE
Love Lounge is an "adult social club" that holds events for bi women and male/female couples—no single men, please. Lovelounge@lovelounge.net, 9:30 pm, no cover, membership required, 21+.
SUNDAY 7/16BASTILLE DAY CELEBRATION
For the Francophiles—slap on a beret, fake an accent, and suck down the champagne. Includes cancan girls, a Citroën car, and performances by a hurdy-gurdy association! Hot! Seattle Center, 305 Harrison St, www.seattlecenter.com, 11 am–6 pm, free.CLITORAL REVELATIONS
Teri Ciacchi conducts an educational exploration of the clitoris, using live models and illustrations. Wet Spot 1602 15th Ave W, 270-9746, noon–4 pm, $35–$50 sliding scale, membership and preregistration required.EXTREME KEGELS/AMAZING YONI TRICKS
Raven will show you how proper Kegel exercises make women more orgasmic. Fringe benefits include: shooting ping-pong balls, sipping champagne, and slicing bananas! No, really! Wet Spot, 1602 15th Ave W, 270-9746, 4:30–6:30 pm, $35–$100 sliding scale, membership not required.
TUESDAY 7/18'SEXLIFE LIVE' TAPING
Host Dane Ballard takes an offbeat, positive look at sex and sexuality. Hengst Studio, 1506 Franklin Ave E, 328-4758, 8:30 pm, $7–$10, 18+.