I Regret that Pit Bulls Find My Face So Delicious

Dept. of Pets

by A Baby

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Rob Ullman

Regrets

The Stranger's Year in Regrets by A. Birch Steen, Stranger Public Editor and OSHA Board of Governors Member (Retired)
All the Mistakes of 2007 by Stranger Staff
We Regret Mentioning Suicide, Publishing Essays about Suicide, and Placing Visual Depictions of Suicide on Our Cover: Dept. of Public Accountability by Christopher Frizzelle
That Sculpture Is a Stain on Our Reputation: Dept. of Public Art by The Iron-Carbon Alloy Commonly Known as Stainless Steel
Please Allow Me to Set the Record Straight: Dept. of Closets and Stalls by Larry Craig's Right Foot
I Regret that Pit Bulls Find My Face So Delicious: Dept. of Pets by A Baby
I Regret Killing All-Ages Music: Dept. of Music by Eric Grandy
I Regret Pitching the Fake Regrets Item, "I Regret Sassing Off to My Intoxicated Husband, then Walking into That Door, by Marlaina Kiner-McIver”: Dept. of Internal Affairs by David Schmader

I guess I should count my blessings. At least I wasn't killed, like that month-old girl in Mississippi who died of massive head trauma after a pit bull munched her skull, or, God forbid, raped like that toddler in New York who was sodomized by his family's pit bull. At least I've still got my life, my virginity, and most of my face. Mommy says they can do great things with reconstructive surgery these days. Still, I have my regrets. Mostly I regret knowing what it feels like when a dog decides to eat your face. I don't eat faces. I eat applesauce. Can you spoon some into my neck shunt?