Regrets

I Regret that Pit Bulls Find My Face So Delicious

Dept. of Pets

I guess I should count my blessings. At least I wasn't killed, like that month-old girl in Mississippi who died of massive head trauma after a pit bull munched her skull, or, God forbid, raped like that toddler in New York who was sodomized by his family's pit bull. At least I've still got my life, my virginity, and most of my face. Mommy says they can do great things with reconstructive surgery these days. Still, I have my regrets. Mostly I regret knowing what it feels like when a dog decides to eat your face. I don't eat faces. I eat applesauce. Can you spoon some into my neck shunt?

 

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