Complete and unedited text of some e-mails I received recently.

hello im looking to be dominated by black women and was told to contact you

I'll never understand what makes people send me e-mails like this. Am I supposed to devote my time to answering e-mails from people who can't be bothered to write more than one sentence? Short answer: hell no. But hey, at least this guy spelled "dominated" correctly, and for this type of e-mail, that's no small victory.

However, his use of that vague passive-voice phrase "was told" does annoy me. Who exactly told you to contact me? Your mother? Your spirit guides? The Trilateral Commission, via the computer chip they imbedded in your dental work?

I suppose one could argue that the use of passive voice is rather appropriate for e-mails like this. But the use of stupid voice is not. How, I ask you, can someone send me this without acknowledging the fact that I'm not black? Does he not realize? Did the mysterious entity that told him to contact me neglect to mention this small fact? Or perhaps he thinks I'm going to paint my face and put on some kind of kinky minstrel show for him.

On the other hand, he is asking about women, plural. Maybe he's aware that I'm Caucasian, but he's hoping I know a cadre of black dominatrices I can sic on his (undoubtedly lily-white) ass. Sounds like a Quentin Tarantino plot device, doesn't it? Or Mike Myers. But this guy is out of luck, as I'm not aware of any roving squads of dark-skinned fembots who spout sarcastic one-liners. Ask the voices in your head for another recommendation, pal.

i dont know if your dominating enough manhandle me? i don't think u are

"Manhandle?" Wow, that's a word you don't hear too often anymore. I think of writing as a creative exercise, and words can be chosen for flavor and connotation as much as literal meaning. And when I say the word "manhandle," I picture Doris Day getting all pissy at Rock Hudson in Pillow Talk.

Somehow I don't think this writer is a poet, selecting his words for their ironic sexist undertones. I think he's just dumb. It's not about his use of this rather archaic term—the vocabulary of the average American kinkster is rich with words that refer back to a more overtly stratified world, like mistress and slave. No, I think he's dumb because his attempt to provoke me into saying, "I could too!" is limper than Mr. Hudson's dick on his wedding night. I suppose that's not inappropriate, though, since transparent attempts at manipulation were stock storylines for those 1950s romantic comedies.

In the movies, though, the opposite lead always rises to the bait. Me? My strap-on swings low, but I don't get it up for pushy bottoms like you, Doris. So no, looks like I can't manhandle you. Guess you'll have to find yourself another guy. Que sera, sera.recommended

matisse@thestranger.com