1. If you regularly visit a sex-work business with multiple ladies, like a lingerie-modeling establishment or a sensual-touch studio, assume that the ladies may talk among themselves about you. But like other women, we don't talk as much about your dick size as we do about whether you were a nice guy overall.
2. Unless we've agreed otherwise, if I see you in public I will pretend I don't know you. You should do the same.
3. A sex worker says, "Have you been here before?" Or, "...seen other ladies, used the service before?" etc. Translation: "Do you know the rules or do I need to school you?"
4. No matter how much you like her and she likes you, she is unlikely to quit the business to be your girlfriend.
5. Voting for "tough on crime" conservative politicians is against your best sexual interests, since to them you're one of the bad guys.
6. Yes, there are "bad-client" lists that get passed around by working girls, but you have to be pretty seriously bad to be on them. Quirks such as the odd bit of halitosis, calling us by the wrong names, or paying a fee entirely in one-dollar bills do not qualify, so relax.
7. On the other hand, if you leave skid marks on her sheets, your "are-you-available?" e-mail will always get bumped to the bottom of the list.
8. "Captain Save-A-Ho" is not just an E-40 rap song. There is a breed of sex worker who perpetually teeters on the brink of financial disaster—an expensive car repair, unpaid rent, her sister's eye operation, etc. Softhearted clients who like to solve problems can be drawn into these dramas. If that's how you want to spend your money, that's fine, but be aware that you're likely to run out of cash long before she runs out of crises.
9. Drunk dialing? Bad idea. Ladies you already know won't want to deal with you, and if you're a lonely drinker calling random ads you found online, the odds of you having a bad experience—getting cheated, being assaulted, even getting arrested—are very high. Just masturbate.
10. Heavy tipping is nice, and it does make up for a multitude of sins. But given a choice between two clients, I'd pick the sweet, considerate guy with exact change over the flaming asshole with a wad of cash.
11. Unless you're Dr. Bill Frist and you're able to do long-distance diagnoses, calling up a prostitute and asking her, "Are you clean?" is about the dumbest waste of time I can think of.
12. A sex worker at a business where anyone can just walk in off the street has to be a resilient and well-defended girl, and client/provider interactions at such places are emotionally shallow. If you're looking for a warm, intimate experience, you need to see someone who screens clients carefully and can afford to handpick guys she likes.
13. A high price doesn't guarantee a stellar experience. But if you paid for a Honda, don't get pissy because you didn't get a Lexus.
14. We don't expect fidelity from you, so we'll really not be offended if you mention a desire to see other ladies.
15. On the other hand, spending the whole session talking about how hot Miss X is will make us wonder why you didn't call her in the first place.
16. If an outcall sex worker walks in, collects the fee, and then says she has to run back out to her car to get something, she will not be coming back—and neither will your money. This is known as a "cash-n-dash."
17. A sex worker says, "Why don't we/you get comfortable?" Translation: "Let's take off some clothes."
18. One of the things that can stop generous-natured ladies from spontaneously bestowing an extra level of service upon good regulars—say, more time or a wider range of options—is the idea that if she does it once, the client will then expect it every time he visits. Therefore, making it clear that you view each visit with her as a unique and delightful experience works to your benefit.
THURSDAY 8/10BURLESQUE AT THE HEAVENS
Miss Indigo Blue with Miss Exotic World 2006, Julie Atlas Muz, and Orchestra Le Pow! The Heavens nightclub, 172 S Washington St, 622-1863, 9 pm, $12, VIP seating $45, 21+.
SATURDAY 8/12KISSING SCHOOL
Kissing School is a safe, playful way to explore tantra and experience the kiss sublime. No previous experience necessary. Locale info at www.kissingschool.com, 10:30 am–5 pm, $325 per couple, pre-registration required at above website.ADVANCED BLOOD SPORTS
Domina Carmen and David F present an advanced blood-sport workshop covering piercing techniques and designs, medical stapling, syringes, and suturing, with demonstrations and hands-on practice. Wet Spot, 1602 15th Ave W, 270-9746, 3–6:30 pm, $40 (includes needles and supplies), membership not required.NEW HORIZONS SWING CLUB
The New Horizons swing club celebrates a MidSummer Night's Dream by putting mattresses outside under the stars. Orientation required for all guests and new members, membership and party fees vary, www.horizonsclub.com or email@example.com for info and reservations.
SUNDAY 8/13LASER RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS
Subject your senses to 14,000 watts of aesthetic BDSM at the Seattle Laser Dome, where tonight the laser gods illuminate the pulse-pounding honky rap-rock of the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Seattle Laser Dome at the Pacific Science Center, Seattle Center, 443-2850, $8.
TUESDAY 8/15ASCENSION: YOUNG ADULT DISCUSSION GROUP
This discussion/social group for sex-positive 18- to 35-year-olds happens on the third Tuesday of every month. Wet Spot, 1602 15th Ave W, 270-9746, firstname.lastname@example.org, 7–9 pm, $1 donation, membership not required.'SEXLIFE LIVE' TAPING
Host Dane Ballard takes an offbeat, positive look at sex and sexuality. Hengst Studio, 1506 Franklin Ave E, 328-4758, 8:30 pm, $7/$10, 18+ with ID.