An American Carol: Conservatives, Patriots, and Drunk Uncles!

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Awww look, you guys! How cute! The conservatives tried to make a comedy! They put, like, little jokes in there and everything. Hey—there's Chris Farley's brother, Dennis Farley or whatever! It is so good to know that guy's not homeless. I was worried. I mean, what is on Steve-Farley-or-whatever's résumé? Besides "Skills: fat face slightly reminiscent of actual funny person (deceased), tap, ballet, clarinet, cockney accent"? Well move over, that stuff! Chadwick von Farley is in a new movie called An American Carol and, fortunately for his fledgling-at-age-65 "career," almost nobody is going to see it.

Farley plays Michael Malone, a fat, liberal, Oscar-winning documentarian. He's a modern-day Scrooge, but he doesn't hate Christmas—he hates America. Malone is just like Michael Moore, the fat, liberal, Oscar-winning documentarian that An American Carol devotes a telling amount of energy to lampooning. When not out accepting the "Leni Riefenstahl Award" for his latest movie, Die You American Pigs!, or "[rushing] to Columbia University to lead a demonstration against the troops," or eating a piece of pizza with a mouse crawling on it (uh, yep), Malone is campaigning to abolish the 4th of July. Ahhh yes. Some day, we the liberal Jew-run media will achieve our ultimate goal. YOU PATRIOTIC AMERICANS HAVE BEEN EATING CORN ON THE COB WHILST DRUNK UNCLES INADVERTENTLY IGNITE THEIR DOCKERS FAR TOO LONG. Hold on—I have to go rub my hands together and leer.

It is almost impossible to sarcastically choose my favorite part of An American Carol. Is it the running gag about bumbling suicide bombers (wocka wocka, I can't believe I accidentally blew up my boss's car!... oh, and... also myself... ow, I am on fire)? The magical trip to a happy, slave-owning Alabama, where Malone discovers what would have happened had Abraham Lincoln been a liberal, antiwar pussy (Gary Coleman: "Don't you worry, Massa Malone! We got dem bacon stains out de upholstery!")? Or perhaps it was the magical visit from General Patton (Kelsey Grammer), who teaches Malone about the indoctrinatin' university system ("You get extra credit if you're poor, black, or gay") and eventually begins indiscriminately shooting ACLU lawyers and bearded men carrying backpacks ("Enjoy your privacy rights in hell!"). I was also impressed by the frequent assertions that liberals don't give a crap about 9/11 and by the weeping ghosts of servicemen throughout the ages accompanied by the toot-toot-tooting of a patriotic fife.

Conservatives: You guys know you're full of shit, right? You are terrible, terrible people. If you have any questions, I'll be over here reading a book (the kind with facts inside) and, I don't know, caring about other humans. Actually being funny. Christ, it's like you want me to be elitist. recommended


Comments (10) RSS

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Oh, Republicans. Or conservatives. Or...whatever. "The right." Wocka, wocka, wocka!

Hey, did you notice how the 'credits order' were alphabetical? That means the only semi-somewhat big-name actors/actresses they had were so Hollyginal [sic] that they actually had to conceal them by way of "fair and balanced" order to avoid a laughable scroll. I don't know if it's ironic or unfortunate that they didn't realize this could have been the punch-line (or at least the funniest thing) about the movie.

I didn't see it...probably never will, but I did buy a ticket a few hours ago @ Lincoln Square. It was the least I could do. I may not share their opinions, but I'm happy to see another right-wing movie with a decent budget in theaters. If it weren't for the fuckhead humor, which I avoid regardless of topics or political preference(s) (or anything, for that matter), I'd watch it. But alas, I'm not retarded, so $11 was the price for hope. Hope: as in hopefully they will make something worth my time again, like Rules of Engagement, which was awesome. It would be nice to see some more movies like that, minus war and...war and...God is that all they can come up with for a story? I guess it is. Nobody wants to watch a movie with characters complaining about taxes. And nobody, I mean NOBODY, wants to see something like Fireproof again. Vomit.

Posted by Mr. Poe on October 8, 2008 at 6:59 PM · Report this
RULES OF ENGAGEMENT cheated so hard. "Ah, but here's what you *didn't* see, you misguided Arab sympathizers! All those women had guns! Now aren't you sorry you doubted the troops?"
Posted by Vinylsaurus on October 9, 2008 at 3:27 PM · Report this
The women didn't have guns. The men did. Way to be one of the "misguided Arab sympathizers." Idiot.
Posted by Mr. Poe on October 9, 2008 at 4:16 PM · Report this
I thought Kelsey Grammer died.
Posted by elenchos on October 9, 2008 at 4:19 PM · Report this
Kelsey Grammer *did* die.
Posted by misguided Arab sympathizer on October 9, 2008 at 4:43 PM · Report this
Dammit Lindy, I almost choked to death on my coffee while reading this. I almost died because of you!
Posted by NaFun on October 10, 2008 at 8:22 AM · Report this
To Mr. Poe - I saw the film long ago and so I misremembered a detail, but my criticism still stands (critical information withheld from the viewer) and I didn't insult you in making it. I'm done with you now.
Posted by Vinylsaurus on October 10, 2008 at 4:01 PM · Report this
lol @ conservatives being 'terrible people'. The entire group.

All the nuance of Hitler or Lester Maddox......or dare I say, American Carol.

The film review equivilant of Madonna squealing about snowmobile engines. Read Camille Paglia on Palin, throw in Team America and remove that ginormous bug from your arse.
Posted by harkin on October 11, 2008 at 9:46 AM · Report this
I hate pretentious assholes who type "arse" when they mean "ass," apparently under the false assumption it makes them seem more worldly.
Posted by JF on October 11, 2008 at 1:02 PM · Report this
@ Vinylsaurus

Saying that Rules of Engagement "cheated so hard" because of a vital plot point that you didn't even remember correctly is pretty ignorant when you consider that you're basically saying it could never happen. Not all movies are here to serve your political agenda, and they aren't all here to tell you a story with a message for the greater good for our current world dilemmas. Sometimes--and these are the best ones--they're just here to tell us a story. It didn't "cheat," you simply didn't like it. You were too busy mirroring the National Security Advisor and Tommy Lee's son. What was the movie supposed to do? End with a shot of all the actors talking to the audience about how the events weren't probable? Throw up some statistics and historic examples? Maybe a directors note in the DVD? No. No. And no.

If you'd like to be spoon-fed some nice warm cud, there's plenty of liberal shit in Hollywood to tour. Let them have their good movies, and of course, let them have their bad.

I called you an idiot because you sound like one.
Posted by Mr. Poe on October 13, 2008 at 10:49 AM · Report this

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