Hi Mistress Matisse, I'm a vanilla poly girl involved with a kinky poly guy. I'm looking for information on relating to my significant other's slave. I know about getting along nicely with your SO's OSO, but getting along nicely with your SO's slave is completely new to me. My default is to treat her like I would his girlfriend, but he says it's not that kind of relationship. Any advice for me?

My first suggestion would be to make the two of them provide some specifics on what they think is appropriate. But if that's lacking, well... assuming you and she haven't actually agreed to any kind of BDSM relationship yourselves, then you need not observe any special BDSM etiquette when dealing with her. She may not be his other girlfriend, but she's still someone he's intimately involved with, so I don't think treating her like his other partner is a bad model.

But if he insists on a different attitude, how about relating to her as if she were a highly valued and dedicated employee of your SO? Someone who has a position of trust and responsibility, but someone who still has a duty to serve his interests. There may be times when his interests overlap with yours, but let him decide that. By that I mean you, yourself, wouldn't tell such a person to fetch your coffee or carry your bags, but you'd graciously accept that kind of service if your boyfriend told her to do it. As far as her limits around what she's willing to do for you, leave that to the two of them to work out.

Dear Mistress Matisse, What is nonsexual BDSM? You mentioned it before, and I'm curious to know more, as I didn't know such a thing existed, at least not in the mainstream. Please write a column about it.

I'm amused by your use of the word "mainstream" here. Am I considered mainstream now?

To answer your question: Nonsexual BDSM is—well, it's BDSM where you don't have sex. Kinky fucking is great, but I also do scenes where I might, say, tie someone up, spank him (or her), do some temporary piercing on him, or perhaps even attach some clamps to his genitals. But no sex. Or I could do a role-play where I instruct a submissive to kiss my feet, or crawl around on the floor like an animal, or scrub out a toilet. And that's it. There might be sexy energy around the play, but there's no sex.

That's not just because I'm a professional dominatrix, either. It's quite common in the nonprofessional BDSM community to do kinky scenes where no one has an orgasm. Why? Well, there are people one might like playing with, but whom one doesn't particularly want to fuck. I might play with a pure masochist who enjoys a certain brand of intense physical sensation because I like dishing it out. In a role-play scene, I would enjoy inducing a certain psychological state. Orgasms are not required to have a kinky good time.

Hi Mistress, I'm wondering if you would consider a blackmail slave? Also, out of curiosity, have you really castrated any men?

Well, I suppose I could "blackmail" you into letting me fulfill your fantasies about being a slave by threatening to reveal the sheer depth and breadth of your silly credulity. Except that I don't have the slightest interest in doing so.

Or perhaps you meant you wanted to blackmail me after using your stunning command of language to trick me into an admission that, why yes, I am a complete psycho who has horribly maimed someone by taking a butcher knife to his genitals. In fact, I killed him—the shock and blood loss and all. Wow, you got that out of me, didn't you, you sly devil?

Let me walk you through this very simply. Castration fantasies can be part of a BDSM scene. However, really castrating someone is criminal insanity. I'm not insane, so no, I have not castrated anyone. It's disturbing to me that I actually have to explain this to you, and frankly I suspect there's some manner of sexual Darwin Award looming in your future, but I definitely won't be involved with it.


Kink Calendar



It's "Threesome Night" at the Ranch! Single men must request to be added to the waiting list; couples and single women can just show up. Redmond Ranch, 425-868-8169 or www.redmond-ranch.com, 7 pm, new people must arrive by 8 pm, $45 for couples/$25 for single women.


Modern dance and experimental music by Implied Violence, who declare in their mission statement: "We don't care to be understood, to understand is to lie." Will the performance be pleasurable? Will it be torture? Can theatergoers—masochists every one—even tell the difference anymore? Villville, 1534 First Ave S, 340-2703, 8 pm, $5—$15.



Trim your fingernails, gentlemen. This fist-fucking organization for gay men meets at a private location in Seattle. RSVP and info at rhsea@comcast.net, $10 from 6—8 pm, $15 after 8 pm.



Babeland sex educators dispense solid advice about male erogenous zones, prostate pleasures, dick tricks, and cock rings. Babeland, 707 E Pike St, 328-2914, 7:30 pm, $30.


My partner Max's ongoing series of rope-bondage classes—learn to construct fun, safe, and rewarding scenes while you practice useful knots and interesting positions. Wet Spot, 1602 15th Ave W, building E, 270-9746 or www.bondagelessons.com, 2:30—5:30 pm, $30—$35, nonmembers welcome at workshop, members only at party that follows.



A friendly discussion group for women of all orientations, the WWC meets monthly to answer questions and provide resources for women new to the Seattle BDSM community. Hot Dish, 2255 NE 65th St, www.wwcseattle.org, 7—9 pm, $3 suggested donation.



Burning Hearts Burlesque has moved their show to a new location and a new night. The Last Supper Club, 124 S Washington St, 898-9067, dinner service 8-10:30 pm, show 9—11:30 pm, $10 (admission price includes dessert, but not dinner), 21+.