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Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Celeb / Film Regarding the Muscles of Tom Hardy, My Boyfriend™
Posted by Lindy West on Wed, Sep 8, 2010 at 12:51 PM
Film Morpheus Explains the Matrix to the Dude
Posted by Wm. Steven Humphrey on Wed, Sep 8, 2010 at 10:54 AM
In this fantastic mashup of The Matrix and The Big Lebowski, Morpheus has a rather difficult time explaining the intricacies of the Matrix to the Dude. Sure, but why can't he answer one simple question: WHO'S GOING TO PAY FOR HIS RUG?? (Seriously, watch this. It's great.)
Hat tips to Film Drunk!
Friday, September 3, 2010
Death / Film Child Actor Renowned for Cinema's Most Contentiously Hilarious Death Scene Dies
Posted by David Schmader on Fri, Sep 3, 2010 at 3:18 PM
As the Boston Globe reports:
Cammie King Conlon, the former child actress who portrayed the doomed daughter of Rhett Butler and Scarlett O'Hara in "Gone With the Wind," has died at the age of 76.
RIP, Ms. Conlon, and thank you bringing us this golden moment:
Extra thanks to YouTuber drewdog90, who posted the above clip with the summary, "Best part of the 8 hour movie. When I saw this in class I laughed out loud," earning the scorn of many and the commiseration of many more. (I commiserate, and I love that stupid "8-hour" movie.)
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
??!! / Film Everything Is Terrible in Seattle This Saturday
Posted by David Schmader on Wed, Sep 1, 2010 at 9:56 AM

Following last Saturday's TV Carnage showcase, Central Cinema presents another night of found video hilarity and horror, this one curated by the beloved Everything Is Terrible. Tickets here, sample clip below.
Film Where To Start?
Posted by Dan Savage on Wed, Sep 1, 2010 at 8:39 AM
I'll start with this: the Fosse estate is going to sue, right? And... when is this set exactly? The 1930s? Does this signal the end of the burlesque revival? Or will Burlesque be burlesque's Whip It?
Friday, August 27, 2010
Music / Sports / Film NWFF Bike-In
Posted by Gillian Anderson on Fri, Aug 27, 2010 at 3:45 PM

Tomorrow, Saturday August 28, Northwest Film Forum is hosting its 5th Annual Bike-In at Cal Anderson Park. It's free!
The Bike-In is a celebration of green transportation, our urban community and summer nights! Grab your bike, grab your friends—we'll see you for our annual event in Cal Anderson Park on Capitol Hill!Meet at 5 pm to hang out and enjoy tunes by DJ NLJB
Music by Concours d'Elegance and Sap'N at 7 pm
Short films followed by Pee-Wee's Big Adventure at dusk (around 9 pm)
Short film program includes The Ducks & Us Songbook movie and a program of claymation from our teen animation camp
Pee-Wee's Big Adventure! A movie about a man who loves his bike and lives in the coolest house ever! Outside! In the park! Bring your bike!
After the jump, there is a photo of Pee-Wee and Speck, for those of you who are interested...
Film Blockbusted
Posted by Paul Constant on Fri, Aug 27, 2010 at 2:22 PM

Blockbuster reportedly plans to file something called a "pre-planned bankruptcy" and will continue to pay the studios and other most other major creditors. This development shouldn't surprise anyone. For years, Blockbuster has closed stores, laid off thousands, and generally been tumbling towards extinction. Driving to a video store to rent a movie is rapidly becoming as unnecessary as hiring a travel agent, developing film, or listening to music on compact discs.
While Gizmodo is sad about Blockbuster's rumored impending bankruptcy, I'm still sadder about all the mom-and-pop video stores that closed up during Blockbuster's rise. (And the way they sanitized the video rental scene to the point where the back room of X-rated titles, once a standard in small-town video stores, became virtually extinct. Suck it, family values: Here comes the internet!)
Film Cinerama Revamp Begins Next Week
Posted by Lindy West on Fri, Aug 27, 2010 at 1:09 PM
Greg Wood, who runs the Roseway Theater in Portland, is taking over operations. My counterpart at the Portland Mercury, Erik Henriksen, called the Roseway "the best movie theater I've ever been in," and said of Wood:
He took an old theater, gorgeously renovated it, stuck in the best digital picture and sound I've experienced, and kept it all independent. It gets first-run movies on opening dates, but he sells concessions at non-rapey prices, hires charming teenagers to work there, and generally runs a hell of an outfit.
I spoke with Wood about his plans for the Cinerama—will it be as gorgeously kick-ass as the Roseway? Will it be a hell of an outfit?
I’ll be leading a strong charge to put the Cinerama back in the forefront of Seattle’s brains again. It’s a multi-million dollar renovation, with emphasis on high-end new technology, while at the same time keeping our film roots in place. A lot of it is just getting interaction with Seattle, getting in touch with the community, and figuring out what people want to see. A wide range from bread and butter first-run 3-D movies all the way to grittier stuff like, for example, a Godzilla film festival. We’ll be doing a lot of partnering with SIFF and community organizations, and trying to bring ownership back to Seattle a little bit.
And what of the alleged non-rapey prices? What of the teenage charm?
[Laughs.] We plan on having a really wonderful support group, and I will say price-wise, box office prices kind of have to stay comparable to other theaters in the area. But we’ll offer extreme value for concessions areas.
Did you hear that, people? EXTREME.
"The big emphasis," Wood says, "is getting feedback from Seattle." Do you have feelings, Seattle? Cineramatic opinions? If so, e-mail Greg and let him know what you want to see.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Film / Fashion The Best Headline of the Day: "Nike Patents Marty McFly’s Self-Lacing Sneaker"
Posted by Megan Seling on Thu, Aug 26, 2010 at 10:53 AM

Wired.com has the scoop:
Now, Nike has actually patented a self-lacing sneaker. This, you are no doubt just realizing, is completely frickin’ amazing: It’s entirely possibly that these shoes could actually be in stores in the year 2015, just like in the movie. This would be a weird, time-warping paradox so perfectly mimicking those in the Back to the Future movies that the world might possibly end.That Nike have filed a patent for these things is mind-bending enough, but pretty much everything has made it in. The shoes will of course fasten themselves, but there are also LEDs a-glowing and a detailed breakdown of the batteries, circuits and control-systems. There is even a charging stand.
Read more and see the patent application (if you're an uber-nerd) here.
(Thanks for the nerdy tip, Bryce.)
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
??!! / Film We Must Stop Steven Spielberg From Further Destroying the Indiana Jones Legacy!
Posted by Megan Seling on Tue, Aug 24, 2010 at 1:17 PM

Even the film's star Shia LaBouf admitted that they "dropped the ball."
So why would he agree to star in a fifth installment? Why would he further ruin a trilogy that was near perfect (until Steven Spielberg got bored and fucked it all up two years ago)? Who knows, but according to showbizspy.com, he is:
“They’re script writing right now,” says Shia. “I got called into Steven’s office and he pitched a little bit to me and it sounds crazy, it sounds really cool.”
BARF.
How can we stop this? We must!
(While we're on the subject, I've always wanted to publicly declare this: I like Die Hard more than I like Raiders of the Lost Ark, and Temple of Doom is better than Die Hard 2. And speaking of Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, Live Free or Die Hard totally kicked its ass [yes, even with the completely bloated semi-truck/fighter jet scene].)
Sex / Film Happy Birthday, Semi-Nude Steve Guttenberg!
Posted by Wm. Steven Humphrey on Tue, Aug 24, 2010 at 12:08 PM
Certainly you agree that Steve Guttenberg is one of the greatest actors of this, or any other, generation. Well, Steve Guttenberg turns a rosy 52-years-young today, and I think we should celebrate by looking at semi-nude pictures of him, and taking a poll. Okay? OKAY!!




Steve Guttenberg's hairy chest most resembles...
Friday, August 20, 2010
Film / Teh Internets Chatroullette Still Good for Something!
Posted by Wm. Steven Humphrey on Fri, Aug 20, 2010 at 12:35 PM
Remember Chatroullette? And how we thought it was like the most awesome thing ever for two weeks until we completely forgot about it and moved on with our lives? Well, CR is apparently still around and teenage boys are still on there, desperately waiting for a chick to show off her chest meat. Happily, the viral marketers of the upcoming horror film The Last Exorcism know this, and totally punked some of these losers—whose expressions are PRICELESS. That'll do, viral marketing. That'll do.
(Audio NSFW! Headphones up!)
Film Rapture of the Deep: Piranha 3D
Posted by Andrew Wright on Fri, Aug 20, 2010 at 10:19 AM

For all of its eye-pinging bells and ticket-inflating whistles, modern 3D has yet to have its Jolson Sings! moment — a display which sizes up the possibilities of said technological breakthrough, boldly hurdles the gap, and forcibly shifts the paradigm. Midway through Piranha 3D, there’s a scene where two pneumatic bikini models nudely cavort underwater for at least a solid minute, to the strains of classical music. Welcome to the future, fellow travelers.
Following Joe Bob Briggs’ credo about having absolutely no plot to get in the way of the story, director Alexandre Aja wastes no time in getting to the gooshy stuff. After a borderline cine-sacrilegious cameo, an underwater earthquake frees thousands of Lil’ toothy prehistoric bastards, bent on crashing Spring Break. Throw in a handful of seasoned actors (including Elizabeth Shue and Ving Rhames) playing it mostly straight, a bajillion gallons of blood, and a gaggle of tanned, fit, and readily disposable extras, and you’ve got the blissfully empty-headed savior of the summer.
Director Aja first made his name with movies like High Tension and The Hills Have Eyes remake — technically accomplished, expertly paced movies that often went out of their way to be actively unpleasant. Here, though, he lightens up, doubles down on the ridiculous excess, and delivers an exploitation movie that may actually surpass its 80’s Velveeta inspirations — a film so absurdly gratuitous that it somehow becomes weirdly pure. It knows precisely what it is.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Film This Weekend: The Room with Tommy Wiseau Live in Person!
Posted by David Schmader on Thu, Aug 19, 2010 at 2:03 PM

Screenings of the legendarily awful green-screen drama The Room aren't rare—Central Cinema hosts one every month and it's always a howling blowout.
But screenings of the legandarily awful green-screen drama The Room with writer-director-star Tommy Wiseau in attendance are indeed rare, and this weekend brings two of them, both at midnight at the Egyptian.
For tickets, click the Egyptian link above.
For proof of why attending at least three public screenings of The Room over the course of your life is a must, watch the clip below. It's short, but will give you the proper idea.
And for info on the Room-themed party going down tomorrow night at HG Lodge—with actor Greg Sestero in attendance!—watch this Room-flower-shop-scene-parodying video.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Film Black Swan Trailer: A Bit of a Boner Pincher!
Posted by Wm. Steven Humphrey on Wed, Aug 18, 2010 at 12:51 PM
Dearest friends! I know your boner is at maximum alert right now about the new trailer for Black Swan, directed by Darren "The Wrestler" Aronofsky, and starring Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis as competing ballerinas who COULD POTENTIALLY HAVE LESBIAN SEX. However, there's a few very confusing things here that may compromise this film's bone-osity. For example, "ballet." And "bloody eyeballs." "Mirror images that come to life." And perhaps "weird things growing out of Natalie's back." Did I mention "wrinkles"?
Books / Film Into the Wild of Into the Wild
Posted by Paul Constant on Wed, Aug 18, 2010 at 11:30 AM
29-year-old Claire Jane Ackermann was a big fan of Jon Krakauer's bestselling book Into the Wild, about a young man named Chris McCandless who went to Alaska to live on his own in the wilderness and then almost immediately died.
Ackermann wanted to find the abandoned bus where McCandless spent his last days, so she traveled to Alaska from Switzerland. On her way to find the bus, she fell into the Teklanika River, got caught in the currents, and died. You can read more about it here.
I don't blame Krakauer's book for this; Krakauer, I think, had a good sense of McCandless's inexperience and lack of self-awareness. But the Sean Penn film adaptation of the book is irresponsible and stupid; Penn turns McCandless into a great American Saint who bucks the system and sticks it to the man before coming to an unfortunate end that was not his fault.
Penn completely missed the subtle message of the book—Krakauer never mocked McCandless, but he makes damn sure that the reader understands that he basically killed himself. Penn glorified McCandless, Hollywooded his story up, and turned it into something glamorous, something that young people around the world would want to emulate. Sean Penn made McCandless's story into an incomplete hero's journey, something that impressionable viewers would want to finish on the young hero's behalf. Stupid fucking Sean Penn.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Film On Watching The Expendables
Posted by Paul Constant on Tue, Aug 17, 2010 at 1:35 PM
About halfway through The Expendables, though, I got bored and decided to try a thought exercise. (The inspiration for this: I had a friend who thought that Elvis movies were much more interesting to watch if you pretended that they were documentaries about a mentally ill Elvis who would occasionally develop amnesia and try to embark on a new career—race car driver, diving instructor, race car driver, doctor, race car driver—in a new persona.) Since The Expendables is all about cashing in on your tired old glory, I watched the movie as though it was a meta-experiment.
Rather than playing a boring action character, each of the actors was instead playing an old character from their glory days who decided to make an action movie. Example: Stallone is playing Rocky Balboa, if Rocky Balboa had decided to try being an action star after he got too old for the ring. Mickey Roarke is playing Randy "The Ram" Robinson playing a washed-up tattoo artist. Dolph Lundgren is an expatriate Ivan Drago gunning for the spotlight one more time, Arnold Schwarzenegger plays Jack Slater from The Last Action Hero and so on. (The only exception is that Jason Statham is playing Jason Statham. Jason Statham is so motherfucking cool that doesn't ever need to act.) It made all the characters instantly more empathetic and likable. It made the movie's ridiculous plot and cheesy effects seem more tolerable—any filmgoer knows that if you're watching a movie-within-a-movie, you don't bring the same expectations to it—and it made the story behind the making of the movie much more interesting than what was going on onscreen. My thought experiment made the second half of The Expendables much more tolerable than the first.
Film It's Never a Bad Time to Celebrate Broadway Danny Rose
Posted by David Schmader on Tue, Aug 17, 2010 at 8:38 AM
In his latest Critics' Picks video segment, the New York Times' A.O. Scott shines a much-deserved light on Woody Allen's 1984 film Broadway Danny Rose, the bittersweet showbiz comedy featuring the best performance ever given by Mia Farrow (which is saying something), the best performance ever given by Woody Allen (which is saying a little less), and an unspoken moral that will improve your life. As die-hard Broadway Danny Rose lover Jen Graves puts it, "This film will make you a better human."
Speaking of people who do some things you love and some things you hate, here's a news story about the man hailed as a hero for attempting to rescue two men in a plane crash before being arrested on child-sex charges.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Film A Whole Movie That's Devoted to Her Breasts
Posted by Charles Mudede on Mon, Aug 16, 2010 at 2:59 PM
Gina Lollobrigida's breasts...

The constant and confusing back-and-forth volleying of the lovers never allows an empathetic comfort zone, which might be part of the agenda, but Dassin's camera smartly never strays far from The Law's central symbol—Lollobrigida's glorious cleavage, lit, flaunted and micromanaged with a meticulousness Howard Hughes would've appreciated. That her tits themselves are Marxist tokens of unearned presumption is the funniest undercurrent hereWe do not make films like this anymore: Marxism and mammaries.
Film / Nerd This is Your Grandfather's Star Wars!
Posted by Wm. Steven Humphrey on Mon, Aug 16, 2010 at 12:32 PM
What Star Wars would look like had it been filmed in the early 1900s before sound. THIS IS SO FREAKING AWESOME!!
Friday, August 13, 2010
Film It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year
Posted by Andrew Wright on Fri, Aug 13, 2010 at 9:01 AM
Happy Holiday, Everyone!
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Chow / Film "Fuck the cup—pour it in my hand for a dime."
Posted by Grant Brissey on Thu, Aug 12, 2010 at 3:43 PM
How could I have forgotten this skit?
In related news: The Hopsicle: To drink, or not to drink?
Film / Theater / Teh Internets A Casting Director Calls Out Actors Who Work for Free, Directors Who Ask Actors to Work for Free, and the People Behind "Grassroots"
Posted by Brendan Kiley on Thu, Aug 12, 2010 at 11:05 AM
A few weeks ago, someone named WLcasting@live.com posted a Craigslist ad which was like a lot of Craigslist ads—looking for actors who will work for free, promises of "HUGE EXPOSURE," etc.:
CASTINGCasting for a series of commercials to be shot next week! The series of commercials will play on the web and possibly appear on national television. The series is likely to be viewed by hundreds of thousands if not millions. Read: HUGE EXPOSURE.
Stephen Salamunovich, the president of Seattle's Complete Casting, decided to respond (and posted his response to Facebook):
I was very distressed to see this posting which appears to ask actors to work for free with the hollow benefit of "Exposure!" being dangled like a carrot that I've seen be offered way too many times. Please realize that when producers continue to offer "free" or low-paying work to actors and other crew ...personnel, the market rate is irreparably eroded and those of us who live and work here can no longer afford to do business and that includes the actors. Any production market is its own ecosystem and needs all the elements to remain strong in order for that market to continue to be able to attract productions that actually EMPLOY production personnel and talent. If the market erodes to the point where the only work available is free and low-paying "bottom-feeder" work, that market's demise is soon to follow.If you doubt me, there's a feature film being done here right now called "Grassroots" with "name" film makers (Stephen Gyllenhaal, Peggy Rajik) and they've budgeted the film at $250K!!! They did so because they believe they can get people to work on the cheap and apparently, they're right because one of my peers was willing to cast for them for free and eroded not only her own rate but mine as well by doing so. Free and low-paying work being offered for "exposure" hides the dirty, little secret that while actors may think they're winning the battle because "They got hired!!!" they're really losing the war because they won't be able to continue to afford to trade their time and effort for cheap and still be able to afford the basic cost of living.
When the good actors have moved where there actually IS work or move on to regular jobs that will actually pay them, productions won't come here because we can't supply the infrastructure they need and there certainly won't be any need for professional casting directors like myself because there won't be any actors to cast. I respectfully hope that no actors answer your ad for all our sakes, including yours, as it's not in your long-term interest either.
Stephen Salamunovich CSA President, Complete Casting, Inc.
I like Stephen's spirit, and it all sounds good on paper (in pixels?), but his dream will never come true—as long as acting seems like a prize instead of toil, some actors will work for free. The very thing that makes film wages overinflated, the thing that pays Stephen's salary, is the thing that convinces actors to work for free: the glory and the glamor of being in the movies.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Questionland / Film Stephen Gyllenhaal Just Joined Us for Filmmaking Week
Posted by Megan Seling on Wed, Aug 11, 2010 at 4:37 PM

- Stephen Gyllenhaal

- Sean Porter

- Jane Charles
So, have questions about making movies? Now's your chance to get some advice from the professionals and learn everything you've ever wanted to know about movie making. They're only here through the end of the week, so ask the film experts now!
Film An Andy Rooney Moment™: True (Fake) Blood
Posted by Paul Constant on Wed, Aug 11, 2010 at 1:21 PM

Dear Hollywood: Stop doing computer-animated blood effects. I realize we have finally reached a time when it's cheaper to pay someone to doodle in explosions of blood on action sequences than to pay someone to clean up a gooey mess after a shoot, but the problem is that computer-animated blood isn't satisfying like real fake blood. It doesn't react the way a real liquid does. It's not satisfying in the way that actors covered in red corn syrup can be satisfying. Everything feels too clean. Maybe one day, science will perfect computer-animated gore, but that day is not here yet. It looks cheesy and you should stop.
As a show of goodwill, I am linking to JoBlo's post explaining how to make real fake blood. Keep this recipe close to your heart. Use it often. We want blood, and you're not giving it to us.
This has been An Andy Rooney Moment™.
















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