@8 @13: Correlation porn & less violence: What Dan didn't have space for but indirectly referenced in the article he cited is that there are a bunch of studies that have just looked at porn access by itself (pre-web days) in eastern European countries where porn was banned and then suddenly available, and there was a rapid drop in violence. Same in Northern European countries, so it wasn't just the fall of the Berlin wall but the legalization of porn itself.

Because the same rapid drop in violence occurred in each country, after legalization in each country -- which came at diff. absolute times across the diff. countries. Also read other stuff on this so I might be mixing sources -- but pretty strong evidence that porn leads to less violence.

Plus if porn / fantasies *did* cause sexual violence, we'd definitely be seeing a positive correlation (rather than the inverse) unless major other stuff were countering it. It's not that reporting is going down, because increasing internet access usually comes with increasing income, increasing willingness to report / more rape shield laws / less stigma -- things that would make reporting easier, not more difficult.

@almost all of the above -- what an amazing amount of support and kind hearted wisdom. As heart-wrenching as the situation and letter are, this is so heart-warming. I hope it has provided some comfort to the letter writer.

Another to Me: I just re-read that you are indeed at an all male boarding school (you said that, sorry I missed it). If it's an elite non-religious boarding school, they are all about diversity in their marketing and you should be able to access fantastic services as well finding gay-supportive teachers and counselors. If it's a faith based religious boarding school, which is likely as you said it's all-male, be very careful about getting beaten up and about who you come out to... as much as it sucks to be less than 100% honest, it might be best for your physical safety until you graduate high school to be cautious. Chances are even at a homophobic boarding school that at least one or two of the staff and many of your classmates are also gay and can provide a support network with whom you can be completely out. As several people have said, if you get forced into "reparative therapy" just play along if it helps ease your day but don't actually listen to a word they say, these types are bad, bad therapists who will fuck with your head. For instance, they pounce on any shred of homoflexibility, which does exist for some, as evidence you can become straight -- this is BS, even Dan said once he got aroused by a butch woman, doesn't make him less gay.

Good luck!

@5 actually there's a progressive pro-choice way to address your concern -- if the ability to determine sexual orientation existed how can you support elective at-will abortion: make all screening and even preimplantation genetic diagnosis available ONLY to screen out genetically-linked anomalies that cause functional deficits that lead to substantial pain and suffering to the future child / adult and for which no treatment is available.

Take out the "market demand" idea of screening for eye color, and any other "desirable" trait that is not a painful physiological dysfunction. I think this is actually what many northern European countries already do by law.

Thus, elective abortion is on the have a baby / don't have a baby decision point, or on the baby-will-suffer reasons.

Sure, screening / abortion on for "elective" traiits -- eye color (and perhaps one day orientation-linked traits) is available to northern europeans only if they fly to another country like the USA or China that are capitalism run wild (ironic for China, huh?)... but that's a very tiny % of folks.

So for most northern Europeans, they get on-demand elective abortion, pro-choice, but it's primarily on progressive principles (you do / don't want a child, your future child will suffer from an untreatable genetic condition that causes pain) and not due to social prejudices. Sex is determined from ultrasounds after most abortions occur (although it could be earlier, again, northern European countries discourage sex selection abortions), so again, along progressive principles!

Hey there, Me. Just reading your letter now hope you're still reading comments.

Very worried about you if you ever get drunk, which of course will be every week if you're like most 16 year olds and once in a while even if you were like me and are a would-never-drink-ever-in-million-years boy.

I'm a mental health professional among other things and fortunately never had to deal with the whole religious angle, but I did deal with rejecting parents (more dad than mom) when I first came out, a dad who said almost exactly the same things yours said.

Both personally and professionally, your "just don't want to be in this life" sentence worries me the most. Maybe you mean in this life as in your parents and how they are treating you, no problem; maybe you mean in this life as in in being alive.

So a lot of this long reply is in case you mean it like I think it might sound.

Dark thoughts that seem utterly and entirely manageable or even non-existant 99% of the time can zoom into into try-to-kill-yourself shit late at night, especially when you get drunk, which will happen at some point even if usually you never drink.

Been there done that, professionally and long ago personally.

So, in addition to the Trevor Project helpline which is 24/7 given by Aaron and includes suicide prevention (866-488-7386), also put the national 24/7 suicide prevention hotline in contacts: 1-800-784-2433 (1-800-SUICIDE). Just in case. And stay off the booze if it's a night that's been bleak!

Regardless, I repeat everything Dan said and his friend Aaron said. PLUS... don't be afraid to stonewall (so to speak :-) your parents a bit if it means them paying for college, college is expensive and if it's in your future you deserve their support financially.

Go to college in a big city that's gay friendly and don't lie but don't be afraid to keep getting their support. If you don't have money / grades for a good private school, look at a state or city school in a big city that has easy state residency requirements then establish in-state tuition residency.

Do the "parental ultimatum" thing Dan recommends in other blogs AFTER college, just like Dan recommends. Years from now, after college, tell the parents you're giving them a year and if they don't accept you that's it you're cutting them off. Through high school and college, live your life, as soon as you finish high school if they haven't come around, away from their home, but keep getting their financial support without guilt. It's much easier to finish college and get a good start on life with some $ help from the parents. My religious clients can carry a lot of guilt, it's BS. (You mentioned you're "home from school" in a way that suggests boarding school or private school rather than just school being out -- some schools can be really shitty and homophobic, especially high schools, so I hope you're not having to deal with that. If you are, come out on your own terms and if you can't and school is dangerous for you, think of a transfer if it's possible.)

Back to now: it gets better is great -- but, it's a bit upbeat, life actually isn't continuously better and at least for me, getting to my 20s when it finally did get better took a terribly long time when I was 16. Specifically, 25% of my entire life-to-date, and closer to half of my post-puberty life.

I say this not to discourage you, but to inoculate you -- at times life might actually get worse or seem to take an eternity to get better -- relationships are tough, boyfriends can be terrible, high school miserable, first jobs usually suck, co workers stay petty even when you're old, college can be hard. People are often shallow and cruel, including yourself.

At times throughout life, happiness can get (temporarily) further away. But it is only temporarily. For me when I was 16, and for many adolescents / young adults, there weren't yet many good years to compare things with, and a bad month was such a huge % of life it felt like forever.

The two things that definitely are guaranteed to get better the longer you live: (1) the shorter a bad week/month is as a % of what you've experienced, (2) the more breathtakingly amazing good experiences you will cumulatively have had and be able to look back and look forward to once again.

Lastly, professional help (gay-friendly therapy) can be great, especially if the "don't want to be in this life" thoughts are of the dark kind, and "sad all the time" gets unrelenting. People don't always click with a therapist, it's important to have a good match and keep trying if at first you don't. I also hope you can find supportive people your age and who have similar religious beliefs, who are in similar circumstances to you -- from the resources Aaron suggested online. While I'm utterly not religious myself, many people who are strong believers find gay-affirmative faith traditions that let them keep up with the parts of their faith that have value for them. Lastly, many kudos to you for your courage and strength, you are already more resilient by far than I was at 16.