commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: The Photo Play
The thing is, the dildo wasn't "their" sex toy. It was HER sex toy. There's no way it was appropriate for him to lend out her dildo, any more than if a friend and stopped by and used it without asking. Married or not, some things are not "shared" property.
Also, I get Dan's point at the end, that he's coming around to being flexible on monogamy, so maybe it's a good thing. But I bet you dollars to donuts that this new found flexibility doesn't extend both ways, regardless of what he says.
Aug 15, 2014
commented on SL Letter of the Day: Truly, Madly, Fairly
I just wanted to add that a "feeldoe" is a great dildo for a vagina owner to wear while penetrating their partner. Instead of being strapped on, part of the dildo goes into the vagina. The other part sticks out like a penis.
I won't touch the relationship advice stuff, as Dan has already handled it.
Apr 14, 2014
commented on SL Letter of the Day: The Ex Files
Speaking as somebody with anxiety issues, I know the letter writer isn't holding on to her neuroses for fun. Nobody does, umnless theyre faking it.What she needs is a therapist who will help her dvelop tools to overcome her anxieties.
Jan 8, 2014
commented on Savage Love
I'm glad gender roles were brought into this discussion, because that's a needed conversation.
She is the one feeling helpless. There is empowerment in declaring your desires openly. It is incredibly powerful to say "This is the kind of relationship I want with you. Please let me know ife you feel the same way."
When faced with a direct question, a person thinks about something in a different way. If my friend comes upto me and says "Hey, anytime you want to invite me to a picnic, I'm game" it might well inspire me to have a picnic and invite the friend. I'd likely take my time, simply because picnics are not my priority. If my friend says "Picnic on the 17th, are you in?" I have to think about it in a much more immediate way.
Oct 8, 2013
commented on SLLOTD: Maladjusted Shits
Sexual exclusivity is NOT the only definition of monogamy. For example, Dan and his husband are romantically monogamous. They've had threesomes, but only have an emotionally intimate, committed, romantic relationship with each other.
Apr 15, 2013
commented on SL Letter of the Day: Sisters & Slaves
I actually can see a completely alternate interpretation of the situation compared to Dan. There isn't enough information about what exactly is going on. The letter writer uses the term "humiliate" to describe the sister's interaction with her slave, but that could just be her interpretation. As far as we know, the sister and her submissive guy may be having completely mundane interractions, but simply with one of them in charge. Maybe she says to him "it's time for you to make dinner" instead of asking "do you mind making dinner while I catch up with the girls?" That's not a sexual thing, nor is is humilating or degrading in any way.
Apr 3, 2013
commented on Savage Love Episode 336
About the black out druck girl, I don't disagree with Dan, but he's missing one point.
I think her biggest mistake that night was getting so completely drunk in the first place. The fact is, once you've lost control of yourself, chances of being a complete asshole have increased a thousandfold. If Dan Savage or maybe myself were to get black out drunk, who knows if we might not end up doing something that our thinking minds and our consciences would be aghast at. The simple answer is that, if you drink for pleasure, don't do it to get smashed. You can nurse a buzz for hours. You're less likely to regret it.
I'm a little surprised that the people she was with didn't try to stop her drinking. But maybe they were drunk too? Personally, if I saw somebody completely losing control of themselves, I would try to stop them from hurting themselves.Not trying to blame the victim here. The other girl was not responsible for the caller. But it does seem that this whole scenario would have been avoided if getting shit-faced wasn't considered a regular way to socialize in North America. (I've noticed that in the UK people can spend a lot of time in a pub with buddies, but they just sip away at their drinks instead of gulping it all down.)
I think the caller was a total asshole, but I tend to be a little more lenient towards her for being an asshole, and a whole heck of a lot harsher on her for getting to the point where she lost all her inhibitions. Those inhibitions would likely have kept her selfishness at bay, and allowed her to pick up on the social cues that she was being wildly inappropriate.
In my eyes she *could* have redeemed herself if she had apologised sincerely and withour reservation. And then promised to NEVER get blackout drunk again in her life. Unfortunately, she chose to, in her sober state, subtely endorse the hurtful behaviour she had engaged in while drunk. Her apology won't be sincere until she admits that the behaviour described was inappropriate.
Mar 31, 2013
commented on SL Letter of the Day: Label Me
It starts to wear thin when Dan thinks ALL kinks are about power play and humiliation. Yes, many people are wired towards power play but not everybody is. Sometimes a kink is a kink in its own right. Dan once had a woman on his podcast who got off on long words because she used to read the dictionary and masturbate at the same time at an impressionable age... People have fetishes for inanimate objects and all kinds of things that have nothing to do with power.
It could be that the letter writer enjoys masturbating so much, that it enhances the sexual energy to so see somebody appreciate his enjoyment. It could be that he simply likes having somebody he's attracted to near by, even if he doesn't want to focus on pleasuring the other person at the moment.
I ldo ike the dom/sub stuff myself so I understand the temptation to view everything through that filter. However, it's an asshole move to tell somebody else what their fetish is. It's like me telling Dan that he really does love pussy but in a very subtle way. :P