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gueralinda

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Apr 7

gueralinda commented on Savage Love.

I'm with the people who think withholding sex until your SO displays your aesthetic preferences is really controlling and dickish. Express your preferences (in a kind way) and then if s/he still has hair where you don't want any hair to be, either like it or lump it.

Feb 26

gueralinda commented on Savage Love.

@15 -
sorry you've had issues with the Mirena. Before I got mine, I asked specifically about rough sex. Well, I asked "does having an IUD place any restrictions on your sex life?" and when the midwife said no (always use a midwife, ladies) I said "are you sure? I mean like ANY restrictions?" and she repeated NO. I can't say I ever noticed any difference, and our sex gets pretty rough sometimes.

However, I also had the "lost string" experience and an ultrasound to make sure it was still in the right place. Don't freak out about the "instrument." When it was time to get mine removed (thanks again for that vasectomy, babe!), it turned out she was able to locate the string within the cervical canal and remove it the same way she would have normally.

I know all this female anatomy is probably giving Dan the vapors, but the truth is that our junk is seriously tough. It's made to be; the survival of the human race depends on it. If you have basically healthy parts, and can "man up" (ha!) and endure five minutes of pretty bad pain, your girly bits will suffer zero lasting effects. Babies come out of there, IUDs are like an inch long.

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Feb 26

gueralinda commented on Savage Love.

I used the Mirena low-dose progesterone IUD and never had trouble with it, even though I DID have terrible mood problems with progesterone pills and with Depo. The Mirena was far and away my favorite method of birth control ever, at least until my husband got a vasectomy (thanks, babe!). It can cause your periods to disappear or to be very light (not a problem for most ladies) and it can cause ovarian cysts, especially in the first year. I had mine placed after giving birth, so I imagine having it placed a virgin would be more painful. But it only takes a minute, and gives five years of fear-free fucking.

Jan 30

gueralinda commented on Savage Love.

By the way, my guess is that soon this last comment of mine will be deleted for not being sufficiently "sex positive." That's funny. I've had as much sex as anybody I know, and I like it all ways. But suggest that men's sexuality might be anything but wholly benevolent, and I'm gonna get censored.

Jan 30

gueralinda commented on Savage Love.

Fortunate, you are trying to frame the argument with the assumption that "porn" means naked people fucking. I only wish that were true. I like naked people fucking. In fact, there is a large, albeit minority, percentage of pornography that is the depiction of ugly, abusive, non-consensual acts. I think that percentage has increased exponentially in the last fifteen or twenty years, although I freely admit I have no hard data. In my PERSONAL opinion, the existence of this element of violence and hatred is enough to make some women's objection to porn in general valid. It's like saying "I object to factory farming methods, so I choose not to eat meat" even though humanely raised meat exists. One of my problems with Dan, who generally gives excellent advice, is that he simply chooses to ignore the horrible reality of abuse and coercion in the sex industry. Once again (I have to keep repeating this) I am NOT opposed to porn or even to prostitution - but I am opposed to pretending that the industries, as they exist today, are not massively harmful and mostly based on misery and fear.

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Jan 30

gueralinda commented on Savage Love.

My issue with porn - and as my last post made clear, I watch porn, both with and without my husband, and I assume he watches it alone - is with the abundance of violent, misogynist, exploitative porn. My local sex shop has a wall of the most popular movies - and invariably, the number one title is something like "Shove a bitch's head in the toilet while you ass-rape her and then make her suck it." Many years ago, I also worked briefly in the sex industry (legally, dancing) and saw firsthand that a large percentage of men's fantasy's is not the harmless "I like to look at naked girls" vibe that the guys here are trying to push (hi there, fortunate, I'm talking to you). Looking at naked chicks, or looking at people fucking + great! Looking at women being coerced and abused + not so much. If I found ordinary porn on my husband's computer my reaction would be something along the lines of m"lock the door, honey, let's watch this together." If I found "gang-raped teens 4" it would be something altogether different.

Jan 30

gueralinda commented on Savage Love.

I've been with the same man for fifteen years, eleven of them married. We're monogamous, so far successfully. Porn is a very small part of our sex lives (which is awesome, thanks) - we watch it together maybe two or three times a year. I've made it clear to him that I have absolutely no problem with him watching porn alone and doing what men do. In spite of that, I actually truly believe he doesn't. We share computer passwords, and while I don't snoop, I have never, in fifteen years, come across anything more explicit than a babe in a bikini on the hood of a sportscar. To be clear, again, this isn't important to me and if I DID find porn I would ignore it and be fine. I'm writing to say I think it's just possible that a healthy red-blooded man might not use porn as a regular part of his life. Just possible.

Jan 25

gueralinda commented on Savage Love.

Thank you SO MUCH for chiming in against destination weddings. Jeez, people, you want to be on a beach in Hawaii or a castle in Spain, it's called a HONEYMOON.

Nov 22, 2012

gueralinda commented on Savage Love.

Someone may have already brought this up, but actually studies of natural levels of vasopressin/oxytocin in male mammals (first studied were prairie voles) do in fact show that monogamous/polygamous tendencies are at least partially dependent on a specific genetic variation. As far as I know, such studies have not yet been done in men, but in several other species male sexual behavior is quite strongly influenced by how many copies of a particular gene they have. Also, poly males can be made into mono males by the administration of oxytocin.

I think it is more likely than not that men also have varying levels of monogamy-tolernace (so to speak) and that some men are much more naturally mono than others. That said, men are not prairie voles and have conscious control over their sexual behavior. And that includes consciously not being a dick by pressuring your girlfriend who has made it clear she isn't into being in a poly relationship.

Mar 15, 2012

gueralinda commented on Savage Love.

Thank you for the letter to second thoughts. I am also a person who married someone who was outside my comfort range in some ways - no college education, very different family backgrounds - but who was (and is) sweet, smart, loving, fun, honest, and extremely GGG. Twelve years later and sometimes he doesn't get my references... but so the fuck what? I made the right choice.
Holding out someone who is in all ways perfect is a sure recipe for dying alone.