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Aug 18, 2010 resipsalc commented on Savage Love.
First, I can totally relate to POOTER. Same thing happened to me. Now we're trying to work up to other things. But the orgasm is leagues better with slight anal penetration.

Secondly, I can also relate to NOPE and was surprised by my own reaction. I love porn myself. I have a large old school collection of it since the days of VHS. I used to watch porn with my guy friends in college, etc. No big deal. And I don't have a problem if my bf watches porn when he's alone or talks about porn with me. But in my presence, him watching porn gives me a full-on nervous breakdown sort of response--crying, shaking, horrible. I have no idea why. Oh, and the best part is that this only happens if the porn has women in it (and I'm a lady, obvs)--gay male porn, no prob. My best guess is that there's some sort of subconscious insecurity like "oh-I'm-never-going-to-look-like-a-porn-star-why-am-I-not-enough-for-you" sort of thing that isn't logical or rational or something I experience in daily life. Sometimes, emotional responses are just not within our control, and so I think we should sympathize with her instead of painting her as unrealistic, prudish, or frigid, especially when we don't really know her deal.
Aug 18, 2010 resipsalc commented on SL Letter of the Day: ISO GGG GF.
The writer just said the sex was "hotter" in the beginning and become "completely vanilla." Listen, as a lady with a pretty high lifelong libido, this recently happened to me. Never before in my life have I been as not horny as I became about 6 months into my current year-long relationship (in fact, we started as fuck buddies, but we both liked each other too much and became exclusive). It had nothing to do with my attraction to my partner or deception or withholding. Nor did it have anything to do with my partner's sexual prowess. It is just inexplicable. It could be hormonal, it could be that we've set into a routine, or it could be all the stresses of life in our current environment (meaning the environment is going to shit, the economy has gone to hell, the outlook isn't too bright, politics are heinous, the list goes on). No idea. And we have no idea what's going on in their lives outside of this seriously minor complaint.

All the people I know in LTRs describe the same thing. Honeymoon phase is over, sex becomes less of the largest factor in the relationship and more just another facet of it.

I think Dan was way off base with this one.
Apr 7, 2010 resipsalc commented on Savage Love.
Gotta go with all the snoopers. Especially if you're a woman. I have no idea why, but men have what seems like a biological imperative to lie even as they're getting caught. It's kind of astounding. "OMG why are you denying that--I JUST saw you do it!"
I just so happen to be one of those rare super-honest individuals--I don't lie to anyone, for any reason, ever. I don't see the utility of being deceptive. That said, most people lie on a fairly regular basis to avoid conflict or consequences. And I agree with one of the previous posters who said that relationships don't work unless you consider your partner as part of--or an extension of--yourself. If I have nothing to hide, then I have nothing to keep private. You can't say you have trust in a relationship if you feel the need to hide a part of your life from your partner. The only way to have and keep trust is to be 100% transparent, and that means I should be able to check anything I want and not find anything surprising.
Feb 2, 2010 resipsalc commented on SL Letter of the Day: A Happy Anniversary Email Exchange.
I slept with my current bf on the 2nd date under the pretext of "I could never date someone like him; he's totally not my type; I'm not even attracted to him; we have no chemistry; he'll never be more than a friend; but...I need to get laid" and tried to set up an FWB situation. Glad he stuck around until I got my head out of my ass! Now we're super in love, he's the most stable loving guy I've ever met, and we're moving in together soon.

The guy I dated before the current bf was a super-catch, I fell hard, and I never got farther than 2nd base with him in 6-weeks because I was trying to play the respectable-lady-makes-you-wait-so-you'll-value-it-more game. He turned out to be a jerk.

Ladies, throw out convention. All of my favorite couples, gay or straight, never started their relationships in a "conventional" way or by following some Cosmo Mag rules. You never know what will happen.
Dec 4, 2009 resipsalc commented on SL Letter of the Day: Is My Big Clit a Medical Problem?.
I went through all the things Alice described as an adolescent with my male endocrinologist's team in Ohio. When I was a newborn, the doctors told my Mom that my clitoris should be removed, but she thankfully refused. As an adolescent, I was diagnosed with a battery of hormonal problems, given ridiculous amounts of medication, and peered at like a sideshow freak by med school interns ("have you ever seen anything like THAT before?" was a phrase I heard more times than I care to recall). Several male endocrinologists later didn't solve anything, diagnosis & treatment-wise, and I was always a bit self-conscious because I always told how "abnormal" I was.

Then, I moved to Boston for grad school and got a new endocrinologist--a female, and brilliant at that. It took forever to get my medical records, so we started with just my personal narrative of my history coupled with tests and physical exams. Shockingly, my doctor told me that not only was my physical anatomy well within the range of "normal," that my history and all my test results would indicated that not only was I misdiagnosed and mistreated for like 12 years, but I was very healthy. She theorized that this was partly because male doctors are just not that good with female anatomy and female adolescent hormonal changes.

I would suggest that, no matter what, this young lady find a crew of female doctors and get some second opinions. Mine has saved my life.
Nov 2, 2009 resipsalc commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day.
Study after study has shown that womens' sexuality is much more fluid. Women are turned on by any moving images of sexual activity, no matter the species or the sex. And women thus have a significantly bigger disconnect between what they find visually stimulating (or in their fantasies) and what they like in real life.

I started watching porn in elementary school when I found my mom's stash. It was pretty instructive for my teenage sex life, but at the time I was much more interested in girl-on-girl porn, as well. I grew up to be a straight woman, and have never had any inclination to kiss much less do anything sexual with a woman in real life. Even as an adult, the things that get me off when I'm watching porn are not even remotely related to anything I would get into in real life.

Unless this chick has a crush on someone with a vagina she actually sees on a regular basis, she's probably just having a healthy time fantasizing like the rest of us.
Sep 16, 2009 resipsalc commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day.
Actually, my ex and I were huge consumers of flavored condoms for oral sex. Why? Because he was uncircumsized, and the nature of this for him meant that his penis was ultrasensitive. So, we had to use condoms during basically any sort of interaction to lessen the sensation to a manageable level for him (adult circumcision was not something he would consider). We generally used Durex, and strawberry is my favorite. They're really not bad, except for the mouth dryness that tends to occur when you use a condom during oral sex.
Jul 23, 2009 resipsalc commented on Gatesgate.
As a young lawyer (white, female), and one who grew up in a city with an aggressive and corrupt police force, I often try to imagine myself in similar situations to plan what I would do.
Race is definitely a huge factor, and I have yet to be in a city where I don't think it's a problem. But, I think the larger problem is the make-up of the police force and its culture. I have a ton of friends who are prosecutors in various states, and they all work with the cops on a daily basis. The stories I hear about police behavior in both professional and off-the-clock settings make my stomach turn. Basically, the stereotype is largely true: big dumb redneck (or equivalent) with a point to prove and a weapon (but the law doesn't apply to him, his family, or his friends), often corrupt or callous. How dare ANYONE question his/her authority??? The fact the we give people like this such a level of power is more than ridiculous and frightening.
As to Gates' reaction: police are certainly not above suspicion, nor are they above criticism. I'll be damned if yelling at a police officer is a legitimate criminal act. Strike one? Yes--assault or battery (unless you legitimately feel you are being unlawfully arrested, though I would fear for my life to try). Frankly, I wish that a police officer would try to search, detain, or arrest me for some ridiculous, unfounded reason, or commit any sort of force upon me if I tried to assert my rights. I would OWN the city.
Gates showed the cop his ID, and that should have been the end of it, but the cop wouldn't let it go and leave. Gates did nothing he wasn't legally allowed to do, and frankly it was the police who refused to cooperate, not Gates. Who would I trust more? Distinguished scholar or high school-educated police officer who can't use common sense? The fact that this is even debatable is astounding.
Jul 20, 2009 resipsalc commented on Every Child Deserves A Mother and a Father.
Just, FYI

"Psychological Reports is also different from the vast majority of psychology and social science journals in that it requires contributing authors to pay a fee (in recent years, $27.50 per page). The practice of charging a per-page fee or requiring purchase of preprinted copies of the article is rare in psychological and social science journals. Such per-page fees are not charged by the high-prestige psychology journals (e.g., those published by the American Psychological Association and the Association for Psychological Science).
As with Psychological Reports, the other journals in which the Cameron group has published have had consistently low rankings over time. Using 1977 SSCI impact ratings to rank 99 psychology journals, for example, Buffardi and Nichols (1981) ranked Adolescence, which Cameron himself once labeled as obscure, 98th out of 99. Another Cameron outlet, the Journal of Psychology, was ranked 79th.
Thus, the Cameron group has published its empirical research in academic journals with low prestige and, at least in the case of Psychological Reports, with a low rejection rate and a publication fee required from authors."…
Jul 8, 2009 resipsalc commented on Assholes.
So true. Same goes for desegregation. It's a well-known principle that usually our Supreme Court is about 15-20 years behind popular sentiment when it comes to cultural change, but the Warren Court was the most progressive court we've probably ever had. It illustrates just one of a long line of Supreme Court precedent that we often take for granted--especially since it was so controversial at the time. Things like not only the ability to marry another race, but to have sex with another race, to have access to contraception, to have a right NOT to be discriminated against for a variety of reasons, and so on. Many of those things, then as now, if left up to a popular vote, could never have been maintained.

Populism is a double-edged sword.