commented on SLLOTD: Judgment Day
@22 - all that answer would say to me is "this guy sucks at answering tough questions."
The best answers - no matter what your kinks - make your potential partner aware that you understand the greater dialogue and that *porn is porn* - NOT real life. So "I like sluts getting gang-banged" makes it sound like you half-believe the porn is documentary evidence of real sluts really getting raped. Better answers would be "Watching multi-partner sex turns me on" or "I like women who talk dirty and really know what they want" or even "I'll admit to having some kinks and enjoying porn, but we're both going to have to be a lot more drunk and naked before I give you details. What do you like?"
commented on SL Letter of the Day: Take a Pass On This Pastor
It's not your responsibility to help this guy figure out his sexuality. Think of how it would be if the genders were different - if you were female and happily committed in a relationship and some guy from your past started trying to ask you pointed questions about if you're still hot and if you have any body mods, you would be perfectly justified in assuming he just wants a fuck and doesn't really care whether you're looking for that or not.
Just ignore him.
commented on Savage Love
Sounds to me like WIF needs to have another frank talk with her husband about this potential affair. Is he saying "go ahead" because he's truly okay, or it he saying it because he believes that's the kind of thing a good selfless partner would say and then he's going to stew about it afterwards? Is there some aspect of a relationship she could try which wouldn't bother him as much as another, e.g. "I'm fine with you being emotionally invested as long as you don't fuck him" (or vice versa)? The safe route is to just not see this co-worker, of course, but that's not always the easiest solution and it's definitely not the most fun :-P
re: BK: I'm assuming "his shit" is a picture of his dick, because that's the real message he's trying to send. Not "you're a piece of shit," but "I own this woman and the only dick she's getting is mine." And Dan nailed it - it's an asshole thing to do and it's misogynist as hell to think he should have any right to interject in her not-having-sex-with-the-dude-anyway life.
commented on SL Letter of the Day: Not Gonna Happen
Don't think of them as her kinks - think of them as "things that get her off." If you can get her off on a regular basis, then you ARE meeting her "kinks" and she's not obligated to have some deep dark fantasy. If you're not . . . then that's something you should work on, gently asking her if there's something she'd like you to try (hint: back/foot rubs are always a good guess) and going from there.
commented on SLLOTD: The Anti-Choice Boyfriend
Terrible advice. Imagine the boyfriend was the letter writer - "I don't believe in abortion, but my girlfriend says if she did get pregnant she would insist on aborting our baby. What can I do to make her change her mind?" I can bet Dan's advice would pretty clearly be "Don't fuck her." The woman has lots of options once she's sexually active (insist on condoms, use hormonal birth control, the morning-after pill, abortion, adoption, or raising the kid herself) - the man just has two, "use a condom dumbass" and "possibly pay child support." If he doesn't trust his partner to make the "right" decision about a child (whatever he feels that "right" decision is), it's his responsibility to use birth control every time and/or to avoid doing things which might get her pregnant.
commented on SL Letter of the Day: The Daily Caller
DON'T respond. If he calls you 250 times and you respond on the 251st, you've just taught him he has to persevere for 250 phone calls each and every time he wants to contact you - which will be a lot. He'll just ramp up his abuse if he thinks all it takes for you to break is for him to be more persistent.
Instead, become a black hole - delete things unread, block his number, and get the police involved if he escalates to doing things like posting allegations about you online (he doesn't own any nude pictures of you, does he? Because you can expect those to show up at places like your workplace, if so) or harassing your boyfriend or your family. He doesn't have to live in the same state you do to ruin your social life, unfortunately.
Chances are, this will blow over on its own - but sometimes it doesn't, and there's no way to tell the perpetually crazy ones from the ones who eventually dial it back. Don't make yourself a statistic.
commented on SLLOTD: Women's Work
Doing the bulk of the housework is fine *if* the other partner is willing to pitch in sometimes. The problem is, when it's a woman doing all the cleaning and a new-ish male partner doing all the mess-making, it's nearly impossible for the female partner to tell whether the male partner is refusing to clean because he's accepted they have an equitable dispersal of responsibilities in the relationship predicated on ability and circumstance instead of direct equality, or whether he's refusing to clean because he thinks it's "women's work" and he expects her to pick up after him.
The solution to this is for the male partner to be *willing* to pitch in when asked, even for tasks he doesn't normally take the responsibility for. "Sure, I don't mind doing the dishes tonight if you want me to" makes it clear he doesn't think the work is beneath him, even if it defaults to the female partner most of the time. Conversely, refusing to do *any* cleaning is a huge red flag, and a good sign he doesn't see his female partner's cleaning contributions as valuable to the relationship.
commented on SL Letter of the Day: New Road Rules
I do think she has a valid point - she was okay taking on specific extra responsibilities (holding down the fort at home, not making major life changes or financial decisions without him there, etc.) in response for him taking a specific trip (long-distance international travel with an asshole friend but presumably for some guy bonding in the form of adrenaline-seeking and cultural activities). Now he's on the trip, and it's not what she understood the plan to be, and she's rightly upset that she's got those extra commitments at home but he's off doing whatever he feels like without concern for how she'd feel about it. If he knew she'd be upset about him getting drunk at the pool and hitting up red-light districts with an asshole friend at home, he ought to be able to extrapolate that it's not cool to get drunk and hit up red-light districts overseas, either. And guys accusing girls of being insecure and jealous is classic "shut up because I don't care what your opinions are, I'm not going to take them into consideration."
A better resolution to this would be for her to explain that this wasn't what she signed on for, even second-hand, and she'll trust him to act like he would back at home if he'd man the hell up and actually say no to his friend once in a while and oh yeah, actually act like he would back at home.