nartweag
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May 11 nartweag commented on Savage Love.
@63 idreamofhorses.
Thank you, apology is accepted and appreciated...
I figured from the difference between the first and second comment to me, something got lost and you felt attacked/shit on.... Which is why I took the time to lay my thoughts out as clearly as I could.
We all mis read, misinterpret or otherwise assume bad intentions sometimes, particularly online.
I am certainly guilty of this as well.

I do hope your relationship(s) progress in mutually beneficial directions. :)
May 11 nartweag commented on Savage Love.
@50 idreamofhorses,
Absolutely zero parts of my last comment (#43) is/was directed towards you. From your comment (#36) it sounded like you have been communicating quite well about you situation and needs with your potential partner. I didn't feel the need to address that clarifying comment.

I was, however, attempting to answer the confusing/ convoluted question (#39) skeptic had directed specifically at me. Which is why I answered with examples from my own life/situation. I started this whole thing referencing your first comment (#28) and thought it was necessary to quote that in my reply to the question specifically directed at me.

I have no idea why you are so angry, once you clarified your personal situation, I said nothing (certainly nothing negative) about your situation or you as a person. Stating how I personally would react to being told what you said/wrote (and I quoted) is not disparaging you or your clarified situation in any way.

To answer the bulk of your questions from your last comment (#50) I will simply point you to/quote the last part of bidanfan's comment (#35)
"Nartweag @34: Excellent point. Often times the couple are so focused on their own and each other's feelings that they forget their potential thirds also have feelings."

Have I been burned in the past? Yep.
I indeed used my "big girl words" but the man I had been seeing and his wife could not figure out their "big boy/girl words" with each other, and I got irreparably scorched (I wont go into details but it involves way more people than just the 3 of us. People that are incapable of using their "big girl words" tend to spread the shit around and it gets messy). That is one reason why I care how people treat their potential partners when opening up their relationships.
...And again absolutely no part of my last comment was in any way directed at you personally.
I am sorry if you felt it was, but it was not.
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May 10 nartweag commented on Savage Love.
@ skeptic #39
Not to be too confrontational, but... did you even read my actual comment or #28's comment that I was referencing?
2.5 years to get to starting initial setting up of dates, and "Sex with other people isn't even close to being on the table yet." I really am not even sure what that means time wise.

As to how many dates are required before sex? Clearly that depends on the people. I have my minimum answer, assuming all things are going well and they seem like a good match for me.
I look for a good match/relationship, I would want a boyfriend that I would be sexual with. I am not into hook ups (they just aren't my thing).
I don't know what a maximum number would be. But if I was told "Sex with other people isn't EVEN CLOSE to being on the table yet." frankly I would stay away. As a poly person I would see that as he has some more shit to figure out with his primary/anchor partner before I would want to see about dating him.
That being said, I would be livid if I connected well (including mutual sexual attraction) with a man and then later was told sex was off the table. Very much like the asexual LW from yesterday's SSLOTD, you really have to let people know.

I could not even begin to tell you how many dates most/average/ whatever unattached people take. I have been in my anchor relationship for 20 years... but again, the answer to that question is, everybody is different.
I was talking about poly relationships, so the question is sort of moot anyway.

@41... your comment makes me feel even better about my decision to stay off Tinder, as I am not into hook ups or sex on a first date.
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May 10 nartweag commented on Savage Love.
@28 "beginning to schedule first dates with potential outside partners. Sex with other people isn't even close to being on the table yet."

Please please please tell me these people you are starting to date are told on or before the first date that "sex isnt even close to being on the table"!
If not, you are treating your potential secondaries like shit... And will likely find yourself with very frustrated (to say the least) dates... For most people, particularly open/poly people dating is looking for a sexual relationship (not always but usually)...
It is one thing to go on a date and not be into them, it is another to both be into each other but you can't take it further because you havent figured the shit out with your primary/anchor partner.
*Don't Be A Dick*
Feb 8 nartweag commented on Savage Love.
Regarding LW, Dan is spot on!
I have seen this play out with a couple of my friends.
Het man, bi woman (so same as the letter)... she made that same rule. He got "nothing" as he wasnt into men... She got to play around, A LOT.
He did eventually take a liking to one particular man... take a guess how that actually played out... How OK do you think she was with that?
Exactly zero!
Because that type of rule ONLY comes from selfishness. That goes for any "one penis policy" too!

They attempted to fully open up their relationship, I guess to save their marriage... But trying to be ethically non-monogamous just highlighted the issues within their marriage.

Nov 10, 2016 nartweag commented on Savage Love.
As someone who had been dating (for 2 1/2 years) someone with the same first name and last initial as my husband I think the GF needs to suck it up and learn to deal. There are so many things that go into making poly relationships work, someone's name should in no way be any sort of issue. I am not buying the brown m&m concept in the least.

....And yes, all the time people joked how I "don't have to worry about calling out the wrong name during sex"... Something I actually found really fucking offensive. They are not even remotely similar in bed, one of the many joys of poly is the sexual variety.
Jul 28, 2016 nartweag commented on SL Letter of the Day: Unicorn Hunters.
Another question any unicorn should be asking a couple is,
"Do you want me to be exclusive to you?"
... And know what you want in that regard prior to asking.
Jun 30, 2016 nartweag commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Pregnancy Derails Poly Bliss.
Yes, the evil evil Unicorn seduced this otherwise monogamous (straight) couple, just to get to the super hot stud muffin of a man....
Managed to make him impregnate his wife to further her evil Unicorn plot....
Then she has the gall to move a 1/2 hour away in an attempt to further seduce him, to have him all to herself (clearly no other possible reason makes a lick of sense)....

Yes, people this is how life works.
Get real. Anyone who thinks this is anything but the couple fucking with (likely not intentionally so) this poor woman is delusional.

Jun 29, 2016 nartweag commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Pregnancy Derails Poly Bliss.
If the couple was trying to conceive, than they should have been up front about that fact before any sexy times happened. The GF in this story deserves to know what she is getting into.
If the couple was not trying, not on reliable BC, than I give them a giant WTF????
I would blame them for the hurt they have caused the GF in both of those situations. Did they even discuss what would happen if a pregnancy occured (to either woman)? I bet not....

It is stories like these that give Unicorn hunting couples a bad rap within the Poly community. LW also needs to realize that her relationship with GF is a totally separate relationship than her husband's relationship with GF. Couples that do not understand such things have no place in trying to find a third (IMHO)... They treat "thirds" like objects to use for their enjoyment and not as people with their own thoughts and feelings.

There are a lot healthy of ways to do Poly, but this situation is not one of them.
May 18, 2016 nartweag commented on How the Continuation of the Bernie Sanders Campaign Hurts the Chances of a Democrat-Controlled Senate.
This whole article/argument is total BULLSHIT!
.... And basically what #'s 1-6 have said.