10:44 AM yesterday
commented on SLLOTD: Vicodin
I agree with 6, to a large degree. It is not every woman, but it is many, to a greater or lesser degree. Anyone who doesn't see this dynamic in the world is naïve or attractive. People seem shallow. In truth, it comes from a deeply ingrained primitive instinct to perpetuate the species with perceived desirable traits.
And hey, I am a strong proponent of knowing your place on the dating scale. I think there would be a lot less unhappiness in the world if people could objectively look at themselves and realize how they rate, so they can adjust their dating goals appropriately. And let's face it, the unattractive buy into it as much as the attractive. They wonder bitterly why beautiful woman x can't just take some time to get to know them and see how nice and cool they are, while naturally refusing to consider making that effort with unattractive woman y to see if she might be cool and nice.
commented on SL Letter of the Day: Partners Still
This letter has many problems, all intertwined. Unfortunately, he leaves out a bunch of important details while including some which seem trivial or only tangentially related.
His marriage is crappy and no one is trying to fix it. Did he stop trying because he was getting what he wanted from Rachel emotionally? When exactly did Rachel move back and how does that coincide with his marriage slipping downhill? No physical relationship for five years? Did he not suggest counseling or other methods for getting over it. It doesn't sound like he has asked her at all to explain beyond her "I'm just not interested in it anymore". How can she be mad about a vasectomy when they weren't having sex?
What the hell kind of friend is Rachel for telling him that she loves him when he is married? Did he have the talk with his wife that night before or after Rachel told him that? Did he start that conversation with "Rachel told me she loves me tonight and it made me realize how unhappy I am with you?"
This guy sounds fairly self-absorbed but might be just hapless and lacking self-awareness. More importantly, it looks like he essentially abandoned working on his own marriage (wife clearly has lots of blame here too) while having date nights once a week with his bestie for whom he has had feelings for twenty years.
Bottom line: 1. He and his wife are not equipped for polyamory. 2. Dude is all mowing his neighbor's grass while his own lawn has gone to seed. He should cut off all contact with Rachel and decide whether he and his wife are both motivated to work on fixing their marriage or not. If they are, they should. If one or both isn't, they should divorce. Even in the latter case, he should keep all contact with Rachel at a minimum until after he is divorced. Then he and Rachel can jump start a romantic relationship fresh and unencumbered by guilt and other negative emotions and in a manner less likely to interfere with his parenting relationship with his daughters, which ought to be the most important thing this lovesick fool is thinking about right now, but clearly isn't.
commented on Savage Love
Rejection is emotionally tough. It's quite possible that when LIBIDO breaks up with this otherwise nice and compatible girl, she will take his "We have incompatible sex drives" as a criticism and value judgment and, wounded, angrily tell all her friends that he was a sex fiend only interested in one thing.
That's how the culture enforces the "sexual compatibility is unimportant" theme.
commented on SL Letter of the Day: Like, Say, DTMFA
She holds a job. She's living in someone else's house. How can she be financially unable to move? Does all her money go to support the house she is living in? If so, that might be why they wanted her to move in, and why they don't want her to move out, even though the passion is gone.
LW should stop contributing financially to the household until she has enough money saved up to move out, while telling her girlfriend that, just as the girlfriend has had to put their intimacy on hold while working stuff out even though she is committed to the relationship and doesn't want to end it, LW has to put her financial contributions on hold while working stuff out even though she is committed to the relationship and doesn't want to end it. Then, when she has a few paychecks saved up, jump ship and don't look back.
Of course, I expect the primaries will not put up with the LW's version of what they expect her to put up and respond by kicking the LW out, so she should look up the local woman's shelter so she has somewhere to go if she has no family or friend safety net.
commented on SLLOTD: Did She Cheat?
Okay. The guy wrote a bad letter. By which I mean he put in some stuff which is probably unimportant, and omitted details which are. But the obvious implication is that he started the argument with his wife because she flirted with this lesbian who then responded by kissing her on the cheek, and that argument arose from the bubbling up of his anger at this ongoing habit of drunken flirtation - a habit she admits having while simultaneously maintaining that it has never led to anything, until she did admit it led to something.
If you think a random lesbian walked up and kissed his wife on the cheek out of the blue and therefore husband is abusive and controlling because he is blaming her for someone else's action, you are not reading the letter as a whole and you are not being reasonable. Come on.