Nov 30, 2016 Alanmt commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Live In Nope.
This was not a shitty way to end a relationship. It was routine, morally neutral, and perhaps even designed to protect his feelings. The only thing she did wrong was not cut it off completely, rather than let him have continued contact which has given him false hope and a perceived license to hound her.

Lava, I am sorry your son was hurt. But when people make up their mind, no amount of advance notice is going to make it better. In fact, it will just make it worse. And let's face it, what your son wanted wasn't to know it was coming, but to find out the reasons so he could have prevented it from happening. However, neither this guy nor your son had the right to know what was wrong so they could try and fix it. Because by the time the dumper made the decision, it was unfixable. She didn't want to be with them. An emotionally exhausting immediate post-mortem doesn't fix anything. And it is not in the dumpee's power to resurrect a dead relationship.

Respect for autonomy is all.

Of course, there are plenty of shitty ways to break up with people. I am reminded of the guy who brought his new girlfriend to a weekly social event of friends and introduced her as such to us all, including his (previous) girlfriend who wasn't aware in that in the previous week he had decided not to date her anymore and had gotten a new girlfriend. That is shitty. An unexpected but clean breakup, as long as it is politely expressed, is not.

Frankly, people would be better off if they just broke up with people by text.
Nov 29, 2016 Alanmt commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: She Done Dumped Me Wrong.
It's not hard-hearted. This guy doesn't know how to deal with being broken up with. The idea that one is entitled to an explanation or an opportunity to try to talk the other person out of it or closure is simply wrong. And can lead to dangerous areas, like stalking and restraining orders and occasionally violence.

His feelings are understandable. But acting on them the way he has is bad for his emotional health and his future relationships. He should not have contacted her further and he should stop it now and move on. Yes, a little self-examination may be in order. but this guy may well lack the insight to put it to good use.

People are being blunt in these comments because people like him need the bluntness. There is a certain portion of society who feel that anyone who breaks up with someone else is bad or wrong and who will find fault with whatever method is chosen for the breakup. He is a part of that group and he needs to know, as Dan and the commenters have told him, that he is asking the wrong questions and taking the wrong approach. No one is entitled to an explanation, and no one is entitled to be given a chance to reverse the breakup and most of the time we really don't want to hear the reasons the other person has, if they are good reasons. "I don't know what I did wrong or She said she's just not that into me" are vaguely disconcerting, but better than harshly explicit reasons. Frankly, when it comes to relationships, the concept of closure is B.S.
Oct 27, 2016 Alanmt commented on Never Bring a Violin to a Baseball Bat Fight.
Nice pecs!
Oct 19, 2016 Alanmt commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: The Cheaters Club.
It sounds like she's just not that into him and the situational and sympathy engendered intimacy has worn off, though there's enough residual sympathy combined with guilt for her to consider staying with him, unless she just wants him to make the decision to break up with her so she's not responsible for the decision. We don't know how long he was in hospital, but if it was six weeks, then he got out around the start of 2016 and she started cheating on him in April or May. This is not a long term relationship. Hell, he can't even describe it as a relationship without putting scare quotes around the term.

I don't see this going anywhere good if they try to work it out, and not because I don't believe monogamish situations can work. He sounds like he's not mentally recovered from his fall and injuries yet, and he should focus on that. He sounds still emotionally labile and passive, expecting support from others in ways that may not be healthy to his long term emotional and physical recovery, including the immature sharing of the situation with a number of friends and family members and seeking their input on what to do. This alone eighty-sixed any chance of this relationship working. Dude, maybe you should have written Dan first, though relationship issues that don't involve direct abuse of one spouse by the other should be kept between the spouses until resolved.. Now you've created an untenable long-term situation for her if she was inclined to stay with you, whereby your circle of intimates (or the people you overshare with) all despise her and refuse to forgive her.

Yes, it does hurt to be cheated on, and cheaters are not immune from the pain. That's what he is feeling, along with extra hurt because he behaved himself with this one (for all of 6-7 months, much of which he was physically or emotionally disabled).

LW, let her go. Deal with your emotional issues. Start over in 8-12 months with someone else.
Oct 5, 2016 Alanmt commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: A Counterpoint to Last Week's Tweet Storm of Advice for Straight Men.
What people like most is attractiveness. And very attractive people often have underdeveloped moral codes because they are not held to the same standard of conduct as average-looking people. because people are attracted to them and want to be around them, so they may get a pass for conduct that would not be accepted from an average person, let alone an ugly one. Hence, on average, beautiful people are more likely to range from inconsiderate to jerks to abusive and to view people with whom they are in a relationship as a replaceable commodity because, well, they are..

The same is true for other desirable characteristics like significant wealth and fame.
Sep 23, 2016 Alanmt commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: She Wants To Want Her Husband Again.
LW, you got all the apology that was needed when he muttered sorry, and left the bathroom. That is what social convention requires, nothing further.

That said, teasing you about the length of time you spent in there seems immature and jerkish.

On the third hand, I don't know about LW's particular anger problem, but during my previous marriage to a wife with borderline personality disorder including an anger problem, I occasionally heard her say that if I had just responded differently to her, she would not have gotten so angry, but it just wasn't true. Every approach led to escalation. So I am skeptical of her "realization" that she wouldn't have raged as much if he had responded differently. Of course, my experience may have no application to her situation.
Sep 21, 2016 Alanmt commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Another Jealous Boyfriend.
Who masturbates to craigslist ads? That sounds ridiculous. And it seems extremely unlikely that two guys who do that happen to get together. I'm guessing the boyfriend was looking for action, but "confessed" to the weird but less cheaty thing LW is ostensibly doing - jerking off to them, probably because he assumed LW was lying about jerking off to craigslist ads also.
Sep 21, 2016 Alanmt commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: She Wants To Want Her Husband Again.
@89 It did occur to me, which is precisely why I suggested that she start there. The idea was that if she looks at him now and just does not see him as sexually attractive or even a sexual being at all and therefore never initiates anything, at least by isolating that part of him she will have a sexual experience with him and the actuality of her experience, while limited in scope at first, may override her developed perception of him and help her see him in a broader sense as a sexual being an done she can enjoy experiences with. Given the previous unpleasant experience she has related, though, I retracted that advice as I don't think it will work for her.
Sep 20, 2016 Alanmt commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: She Wants To Want Her Husband Again.
@73. I'm sorry to hear that. It does seem like there is little hope for this relationship. There is no magical potion of attraction or mysterious back alley shop where you can pick up one of Cupid's arrows, and it sounds like you may need some time alone for introspection and to address some issues that you have. Still, the couples' counseling 74 recommends may be helpful either way.

Of course, as Dan has often said, the end of a relationship is much less often a bad thing than the people going through the break up make it out to be, and many/most relationships aren't going to last forever. Yours isn't working for either of you.

If your main life goal is to stop being a CPOS, then you should break up with this man, spend some time working on you, and start over in a new relationship where you can apply lessons learned in this one - or because of it. I think Dan's idea that you should be with someone other than fully monogamous may be an interesting exploration of your doubts about your ability to not be CPOS.
Sep 20, 2016 Alanmt commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: She Wants To Want Her Husband Again.
If LW wants to try to make it work, I suggest she stop worrying so much about not being attracted to him or seeing him as a sexual being and get down on her knees and unzip his pants and start sucking. Forget about her own libido for a while and focus on giving him the sex that he, as her husband, deserves. If she can't - if she throws up in the act because she's too ill at the reality of sex with him to continue, then she has her answer. If she's mechanically capable of going through the physical motions to please him without expecting immediate sexual gratification of her own, then maybe, in time, she will find that the spark has rekindled itself and she will have had sex with him until she (re)learned passion for him, kind of how the couple in The Forest Lovers married as strangers but learned to love each other.

Of course, if both are invested in giving it one more try, he has to do some bending as well, and listen to what she wants, and make his own effort to understand and begin to apply her needs for a dom part of the time. It sounds like no one has been ggg here.