Sep 23 Alanmt commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: She Wants To Want Her Husband Again.
LW, you got all the apology that was needed when he muttered sorry, and left the bathroom. That is what social convention requires, nothing further.

That said, teasing you about the length of time you spent in there seems immature and jerkish.

On the third hand, I don't know about LW's particular anger problem, but during my previous marriage to a wife with borderline personality disorder including an anger problem, I occasionally heard her say that if I had just responded differently to her, she would not have gotten so angry, but it just wasn't true. Every approach led to escalation. So I am skeptical of her "realization" that she wouldn't have raged as much if he had responded differently. Of course, my experience may have no application to her situation.
Sep 21 Alanmt commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Another Jealous Boyfriend.
Who masturbates to craigslist ads? That sounds ridiculous. And it seems extremely unlikely that two guys who do that happen to get together. I'm guessing the boyfriend was looking for action, but "confessed" to the weird but less cheaty thing LW is ostensibly doing - jerking off to them, probably because he assumed LW was lying about jerking off to craigslist ads also.
Sep 21 Alanmt commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: She Wants To Want Her Husband Again.
@89 It did occur to me, which is precisely why I suggested that she start there. The idea was that if she looks at him now and just does not see him as sexually attractive or even a sexual being at all and therefore never initiates anything, at least by isolating that part of him she will have a sexual experience with him and the actuality of her experience, while limited in scope at first, may override her developed perception of him and help her see him in a broader sense as a sexual being an done she can enjoy experiences with. Given the previous unpleasant experience she has related, though, I retracted that advice as I don't think it will work for her.
Sep 20 Alanmt commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: She Wants To Want Her Husband Again.
@73. I'm sorry to hear that. It does seem like there is little hope for this relationship. There is no magical potion of attraction or mysterious back alley shop where you can pick up one of Cupid's arrows, and it sounds like you may need some time alone for introspection and to address some issues that you have. Still, the couples' counseling 74 recommends may be helpful either way.

Of course, as Dan has often said, the end of a relationship is much less often a bad thing than the people going through the break up make it out to be, and many/most relationships aren't going to last forever. Yours isn't working for either of you.

If your main life goal is to stop being a CPOS, then you should break up with this man, spend some time working on you, and start over in a new relationship where you can apply lessons learned in this one - or because of it. I think Dan's idea that you should be with someone other than fully monogamous may be an interesting exploration of your doubts about your ability to not be CPOS.
Sep 20 Alanmt commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: She Wants To Want Her Husband Again.
If LW wants to try to make it work, I suggest she stop worrying so much about not being attracted to him or seeing him as a sexual being and get down on her knees and unzip his pants and start sucking. Forget about her own libido for a while and focus on giving him the sex that he, as her husband, deserves. If she can't - if she throws up in the act because she's too ill at the reality of sex with him to continue, then she has her answer. If she's mechanically capable of going through the physical motions to please him without expecting immediate sexual gratification of her own, then maybe, in time, she will find that the spark has rekindled itself and she will have had sex with him until she (re)learned passion for him, kind of how the couple in The Forest Lovers married as strangers but learned to love each other.

Of course, if both are invested in giving it one more try, he has to do some bending as well, and listen to what she wants, and make his own effort to understand and begin to apply her needs for a dom part of the time. It sounds like no one has been ggg here.
Aug 1 Alanmt commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Just Say No.
Aside from the risk of death, which ought to be enough to put anyone off actually being chloroformed voluntarily, the chloroformed person wakes up feeling very sick, and the first impulse on regaining consciousness can be to vomit. Not sexy at all.
Jul 18 Alanmt commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: My Touchy-Feely Potential Fiancé.
@ 57 We don't actually know if it's the same scenario or not. Because my ex-friend's wife could have written this letter. After a few incidences, he controlled himself around her, even if he couldn't completely shut off his intensity and his attempts to charm. He acted one way with her and another when he wasn't with her. And she loved him and was willing to accept his explanations for whatever uncommon leakages in his behavior occurred.

This may be a completely different scenario. Or it may be the same, or at least at different points along the same spectrum. She owes it to herself to investigate further find out now.
Jul 18 Alanmt commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: My Touchy-Feely Potential Fiancé.
I used to have a friend who sounds like this guy. He hit on almost every reasonably attractive woman he'd see. He was inappropriate with hugs that lasted too long and kisses. Every time we went to lunch,, and we went weekly for a while, he would flirt with the female server, if she was remotely attractive. It made me super uncomfortable, because he was married and his wife was also a close friend. But he always played it down, saying he was just a flirty guy, saying he didn't mean anything by it, saying he was devoted to his wife, saying the teen girls at the school he worked briefly at had totally misjudged his intent in hugging them because he was just a hugger and they were teen girls for god's sake, and the two pretty women with mental health issues who's cases he managed who said he was inappropriate and tried to hit on them were just misunderstanding his desire to help them because he was always professional and they did have mental health issues after all and when he groped my wife one night going up the stairs behind her he was drunk and just slipped on the stairs and was catching his balance and he would be totally hurt if I thought he would ever disrespect me by doing something like that. Of course, after a few incidences that made his wife uncomfortable, he was more careful around her and she doesn't know to this day that he was having a steady affair with one of her friends all while they were married and he would have sex with nay woman who accepted his advances and enough women did that it was worthwhile to him to take the risk that some woman might be creeped out by his behaviors, and he had so many manipulative defenses.. But he never changed while I knew him.

The last I heard of him, he had found god and married a sweet and innocent evangelical woman and was still on the prowl and even the friend he had the longstanding affair of his first marriage with told him to stop texting her and trying to hook up with her again.

The information provided by LW's girlfriends is valuable, and merits further investigation. If only LW could talk to attractive female servers at his favorite restaurants, attractive women he works with, and so on, she might be able to gauge whether his creepiness was a period of temporary inappropriateness he learned from or, as I fear, he is like my former friend. If so, she should run.
Jun 29 Alanmt commented on Gay Man Takes to Reddit to Complain About Pride.
He's a bitter, entitled, self-pitying and self-loathing man. #4 is right. If he won't date himself, why should anyone else? He may be working on "fixing" his body so that he likes himself, and i wish him good luck in that journey, but he needs to work on fixing something else so other people will like him. Namely his personality and attitude.

If he wants to gain confidence and perspective, he should date guys who are very similar to him on the gay dating scale, i.e. overweight. First, he needs to get dating experience. We learn how to be a good partner in a relationship by making mistakes in relationships. Fior most straight people, this learning is done in middle school and high school For many gay guys, it comes much later. Second, he needs to learn about all aspects of compatibility between a couple, not just physical attraction, but personality,lifestyle, interests and the other things that carry a relationship forward. He's emotionally immature, the grown up gay version of the 13 year old boy who won't date a girl in his class who likes him because of his infatuation with an unattainable supermodel. Confidence can come from knowing that you can be a good boyfriend and partner.

Finally, he need to understand that lusting after hot guys isn't an immutable limitation on what he is attracted to. He's not some special flower who has been cursed with only wanting to date hot guys while not being granted that hotness himself. He can, and should, recalibrate his attraction meter to include attainable guys and explore the ways in which he can enjoy them. Not every relationship has to last forever. If he dates heavy guy X who is attracted to him, maybe they'll have a great relationship. Maybe LW'll break up with the guy as he reshapes his body for someone at his new level of weight and fitness. Maybe they won't be compatible for other reasons. But these are the experiences this guy needs to have to be dateable, regardless of where he fits in now or in two years on the dating scale..

Some counseling couldn't hurt, either.
Dec 13, 2015 Alanmt commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: My Boyfriend's Condition.
He sounds to me like one of those fundies that believes the thought is as bad a sin as the deed. In any event, his view of sexuality and sexual attraction seems unhealthy. If he's young, it wouldn't hurt to try to offer him a different perspective and see if it takes.