A place for Canadians.

Sep 9 bu commented on SL Letter of the Day: Forever Grateful.
It is in quotes- she says it feels selfish and indulgent, he is saying it is not.
Apr 22, 2013 bu commented on Reese Witherspoon Pulls a Lindsay Lohan.
In the South it's correct to be Miss First Name your whole life, and a preferred title to Aunt for many women who only want to use that with relatives, not friends' children.
Mar 12, 2013 bu commented on SL Letter of the Day: The Missing Condom.
*@86, sorry
Mar 12, 2013 bu commented on SL Letter of the Day: The Missing Condom.
Thank you, 80. You saved me a lot of typing. You win the thread.
Jan 26, 2013 bu commented on SL Letter of the Day: Pop a Cap.
@25

This.

I can't explain it much better, but when man looks at you like he's /taking/ something from you, as opposed to appreciating what he sees, like say, a pretty flower (which can still be problematic), it is scary. And because we live in a world where the answer to sexual violence is that women are constantly told to police their looks and actions, rather than to tell (mostly) men to STOP BEING VIOLENT towards women, well, we're waaay closer to Schrodinger's rapist that I like to be. Yes, over a look.
Mar 8, 2012 bu commented on SL Letter of the Day: Minor Dispute.
@ 120

I have a friend who grew up on a kibbutz. When he suggested to a younger adult me that sex was just a fun thing, not so emotionally laden as I in my post pregnancy hormone haze was insisting it was, I was furious. Two decades and a lot of learning have shown me that you know, he kinda had a point. Funny thing, he said to me recently that two decades and a lot of learning taught him the same thing. So yeah, it may be a boy/girl thing, or it may be an age thing, but it's definitely a Thing.

So now I have teenagers. I talk to a lot of their friends, boys and girls. It seems foolish to pretend that they are not sexual beings. To arm them with information and safe places to talk and go to for help if they need it and birth control they'll use seems to be the right thing to me. Ultimately I can't tell them what to do, and I didn't start talking to them at any magic age- there were discussions from the time we could discuss. More than anything, I want them to all come to it with a sense of wonder and good intentions. To be good to each other, and never do or ask someone to do something that isn't comfortable and right for them. And to know that those things can and will change. That right there puts them light years ahead of where I was at their ages. But the talks when they were smaller were much more literal, because that's where they were developmentally.

Sex is a lot of things to a lot of people. It seems to be more to more people at sometimes and less with different people and and and- christ, I don't know.

And if I don't know, I can't see that it's easy for a CHILD to get it either. Yeah, that kinda naughty-but-feels-good-too feeling? Sure, you want more of that. But when you're older and you get a sense that maybe it wasn't quite right, being touched that way- it's usually, if it's not the physical ramifications- it hurt, or you were physically harmed- it's the confusing emotional ramifications that do you in.

Ideally, I want to approach sex with an equal. I want nothing to be at stake but mutual pleasure. I don't want to be excessively physically uncomfortable- I don't even want to be chatteringly chilly or raging hot, call me a wimp- I don't want to be afraid, of who I'm with or what I'm doing, and if I don't quite know what I'm about to do, I'd like to minimize any uncertainty about the other person's intent.

So, maybe-because I'm noodling this out on a Thursday evening- it's about trust, and a belief that I'm not going to be harmed? No matter what physically happens?

And I can't see getting there with someone not understanding that, too. And not being in an unequal position relative to me, either.

And I'm a big ol' girl and all, but "merely physical" interactions carry their own set of feelings and emotions. You know, besides the "real ones" for people I care about or the "hormonally induced ones" that all the stuff cascading through my body is trying to trick me into feeling.

How can a child- a CHILD- sort through that, with an ADULT? I just can't see it. The power imbalance, the experience imbalance- aside from my culturally and evolutionarily conditioned "ick" response- it's all a "no" for me.

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Mar 8, 2012 bu commented on SL Letter of the Day: Minor Dispute.
Hey, I thought "parts" was all inclusive. People, adults and children, have several. Insertable and receptive. Big is bigger than little. I said, girls, men, and little people, thought that would cover MOST sex acts. Yes, I neglected the (statistically few) women who abuse children.

What is sex to me? if the right person breathed in my ear, I'd consider that sexy. We don't have room for this. I was not specific because I figured I'd leave something out. Let's just say, all you and I can think of between us.

Back down. Don't attack me for something I didn't say. Sorry I wasn't more specific so you could launch into me accurately. I also, if you read it all, alluded to a slippery slope argument to the SIZE issue. The EMOTIONAL one- hell, grown adults seem to be all over the board. Seems only right that we let kids be you know, kids, before they get drug into all the other issues surrounding sex.

We are supposed to protect children. They are not adults, and are not equal to adults. Until that power imbalance changes, it is not right to take advantage of them in any way.
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Mar 8, 2012 bu commented on SL Letter of the Day: Minor Dispute.
History has a horrible record of abuse -- of the poor by the rich, for instance; or of women by men; or of Blacks by Whites; or of one national/ethnic group by another. Does that mean these groups should not interact sexually?

Uhm, I'm gonna say "yes", in a power inequity sense. It rarely ends well if there is a power differential that one person feels like there would be serious consequences if they were to discontinue the sexual relationship. See: why the boss shagging the help is frowned upon. Help can lose their job by not continuing to have sex with the boss, and that is not cool. Controlling abusive adult men, I'm not happy with you doing your number on any women, either. Adults can make kid's lives pretty awful, and can, in fact, force them to have sex- size differential and all.

...and, what about that? Little girl parts are not meant to accept big men parts, and no little people parts are gonna take on /anything/ in the same way adults are- they lack the hormone levels that allow tissues to soften and stretch with arousal. Hence "evidence" of abuse- often tearing or bruising that /should not be present in childhood/.

Aside from all the "no, it's not right" stuff. And pregnancy risks.

I see a slippery slope problem of when someone in fact is mature enough for sex with an adult sized or aged person- is it puberty? I don't know- and it's gonna be different for different people, which is why it doesn't seem /so/ wrong for the 21 year old to have a 15 year old SO, but- laws is laws.

So, yeah, abuse of a teenager- different than that of a toddler. But both still have consent and power inequity issues if the sex is with an adult.
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Feb 3, 2012 bu commented on SL Letter of the Day: Convention Wisdom.
@41
I married young, have not ever much pondered if I had a "type" since it's moot at this stage of my life anyway. What I've always told anyone who asked was that I never rejected a body attached to a head I was interested in. Sort of like you said, "not CA" wasn't part of my criteria at that point.
Nov 3, 2011 bu commented on Savage Love.
If the kids' parents are upset with each other, the kids are likely upset. So whether or not they want to be in the wedding, it is at this point "at their expense".
 

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