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Skipper Jo
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May 3, 2013 Skipper Jo commented on SL Letter of the Day: Mr. Wonderful.
I would like to refer the LW to the term Darth Vader Boyfriend, coined by Captain Awkward. http://captainawkward.com/2011/01/17/rea…

I quote:

“Luke, your dad is totally evil.”
“There’s good in him. I’ve felt it.”
“Luke, he blew up a planet just to make a point.”
“There’s good in him! I’ve felt it!”
“Luke, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but he severed your hand. From your arm. He cut it off.”
“Dueling to the death is just how we relate. You wouldn’t understand it. Now that we both have prosthetic robot limbs, it’s only brought us closer together.”
“Luke, he lured your friends into a trap so that he could murder them in front of you. We had to be rescued by Ewoks. It was embarrassing.”
“Yeah, that was pretty bad, I admit! But there’s good in him! I’ve felt it!”

And then Luke is risking his own life to carry Darth Vader out of the Death Star before it explodes so he can look up on that swollen purple face and experience one shining moment of real connection that would justify everything he’s invested in this completely dysfunctional relationship and he’s like “See? IT WAS ALL TOTALLY WORTH IT!”
/quote
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Dec 19, 2012 Skipper Jo commented on Savage Love.
@32, good point. @33 makes a good suggestion, I think.

The advice blogger Captain Awkward likes to offer her LWs sample scripts to use on the people in their lives. Here's the basic gist of what I think NOPE could tell her parents:

"I've been having some thoughts and feelings about sex that confuse me. Considering my history with my birth family, and considering that I'm almost an adult, I want to talk through my feelings with a therapist. I think it would make me feel better. I know there are therapists who really know what they're doing with these issues, therapists with a positive attitude toward sex in general. Will you help me look for someone I can talk to?"

Edit for tone as needed, but this covers the basic points I think NOPE should bring up, and it leaves out the intimate or alarming details she doesn't want to share.
Dec 19, 2012 Skipper Jo commented on Savage Love.
@29

Of course some parents will say no to such requests. That's not a good reason not to ask. If someone feels unsafe asking, THAT's a good reason not to ask - just like when an LGBT kid is weighing whether to come out. But there's no indication in NOPE's letter that she has anything serious to fear from her parents. She says she's afraid to "freak them out." To me, that indicates loving and supportive parents who just want their kid to be okay.

I'm not saying everyone who asks their parents for medical or psychiatric help will get exactly what they need/want, but they might get at least something, so the potential benefits outweigh the discomfort of asking.
Dec 19, 2012 Skipper Jo commented on Savage Love.
NOPE, I know from experience it can be frightening/uncomfortable to ask your parents to help you get psychological treatment. But there is no need to feel guilty about asking. You say you try not to worry them, but protecting your parents from worry is not a responsibility you have to take on. THEY are supposed to protect YOU. It's THEIR responsibility to worry about YOU. Really. Let them do it. They can handle it. Ask for help.

My parents and I are now in a position where - because I wasn't very communicative all those years ago about what kind of help I needed and wasn't very insistent about getting it, and my parents didn't pick up the slack - I continue to have some of the same issues I had as a kid. Meanwhile my parents seem to feel a bit guilty and defensive about the fact that they weren't more diligent in pursuing psychological treatment for me. Now I'm an adult with my own health insurance, and I can get treatment for myself - with emotional support from my parents, who know better now. Don't wait as long as I did to tell your parents what you need. There's no benefit in holding back, for them or for you.
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Oct 11, 2012 Skipper Jo commented on SL Letter of the Day: Nonmonogamous Blues.
The ego-boost theory isn't bad, but I have another theory that I hope is less unflattering to these women. I think the women are dismayed when they realize NFW is a) still enjoying a healthy sex life with his wife and b) not interested in leaving her for any new lover. If he were having an illicit affair, there'd be the possibility the Other Woman could draw him away from his marriage permanently - that the affair would have long-term potential. NFW is obviously content in his marriage and intends to hold onto it, so he isn't attractive to other women who are hoping to win his undivided attention.
Oct 10, 2012 Skipper Jo commented on Savage Love.
@wayne, if LIFE's boyfriend assumes pregnancy despite using contraceptives MUST mean she's cheating, he has another two major problems: 1) misogyny, and 2) sheer stupidity. If he thinks ANY contraceptive is 100% effective, even when used perfectly, and so it would be just IMPOSSIBLE to knock her up, he needs some re-education.
Oct 10, 2012 Skipper Jo commented on Savage Love.
I have some additional advice for LIFE. Don't lie, precisely, but DO mess with your boyfriend's head a little. With some finesse you can do an effective thought experiment. And frankly, any idiot who holds such opinions deserves to have their head messed with for ten minutes. It's not gonna kill him.

LIFE, call your boyfriend and tell him you have something important you need to discuss with him - face to face. When you see him, act very serious and nervous (let's face it, you'll probably BE nervous) and say this: "What would you do if I told you right now I'm pregnant?" Without hearing you state categorically you're pregnant, he will probably assume that really is the news you're about to deliver. Don't wait for an answer. Draw a picture for him while he digests the idea: "I know we've only known each other 7 months, but are you be prepared to be tied to me for life? Would you help me support the child for the rest of your life - even if we broke up at some point?" And he'll have one of two reactions, depending on whether his emotions line up with his so-called "rational" opinions. He'll either be happy/honorable about it and say yes, he'll have a kid with you - or he'll be dismayed and upset, as Dan predicts.

If he reacts positively and says he would help you raise the child, you say: "That's lovely of you, but I don't think *I* would be ready to have a child with you. I would have to consider abortion." He'll almost certainly respond badly to this and try to seize control of your [hypothetical] options, at which point you clarify that it's not an immediate issue since you aren't pregnant, but you cannot be with someone who feels the way he does about this crucial issue. (Dan's excellent rguments for why it's a legit dealbreaker can come into play at this point.) You won't have to live out some crazy fake-pregnancy-and-miscarriage lie, you'll just have misled your boyfriend for a few minutes for a very good reason. Pregnancy is hypothetical now, but it could easily become reality, and you are within your rights to DTMFA.

If he has a negative reaction, you have won the argument, and MAYBE you can save this relationship. People sometimes change sides on an issue - especially if they're young. My first girlfriend was horribly anti-choice when we got together and said she'd break up with me if I ever had an abortion, even if it was the result of rape. I stayed with her because (since we were both girls) it was such an unlikely scenario, and I was hopeful she'd think differently in time. I was right: within a couple of years her position had completely changed. Ten years and several relationships later, I hear she's now as fiercely pro-choice as I am.

P.S. I know adoption is a third option besides parenting and abortion, but I doubt it'll come into play here. If the boyfriend hasn't already said "I think if you got pregnant, adoption would be a great way to proceed," then he probably won't bring it up. If he does, you can claim that's also not something you're ready for.
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Sep 19, 2012 Skipper Jo commented on Savage Love Episode 308.
I'm honestly stunned by all the negative reactions here, and by the unrelenting focus on Cindy's (but not Dan's) speech habits. I've had difficulty with other guests (and with Dan!) in the past because of similar issues, but that wasn't the case for me here - I LOVED this podcast. I got acclimated to both parties' mannerisms quickly because of the sheer brilliance of the discussion. Cindy and Dan were obviously both very enthusiastic about the topic, which was why they could hardly hold back their interruptive comments. I thought it was an energetic, productive interview.

Dan sounded surprised when she said gay porn is more likely to include affectionate and intimate gestures than straight porn, but she's totally right! (Obviously he wasn't lying when he said he's not a frequent porn watcher.) This is one reason gay porn appeals to me (I'm a bi woman). As Dan said, a lot of straight porn is contemptuous or even hostile toward the female actor; if there's "kissing," it tends to be a lot of grimacing and tongue-fencing rather than actual kissing. In a lot of gay porn, the actors actually make out and grope each other with passion, and it's a big turn-on. I wish more straight porn incorporated that element.
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Sep 14, 2012 Skipper Jo commented on Savage Love.
Years-belated response for anyone in BLOW's situation: The girlfriend was 21 at the time of his writing. Even if she'd been with ten guys, her youth (combined with her given excuse of not liking semen) leads me to think she may not have realized blowjobs don't absolutely HAVE to entail swallowing semen. Maybe something put the idea in her head that a blowjob sans swallowing isn't a worthwhile blowjob at all. Maybe one or more of her previous partners insisted on it. BLOW should have tried pointing out that swallowing is optional. Continued refusal after that would be grounds for DTMFA.
Sep 12, 2012 Skipper Jo commented on Savage Love.
@82, it was Dan (a man) who said boys can experiment with penetration by using their hands. And he didn't compare a closed fist to a vagina (or an asshole). The point is that boys can use their hands to safely simulate the feeling of having their dicks in an enclosed space. It's a bit more of a challenge for girls, and no hand can remotely recreate the proportions of a dick.

I actually think fingers aren't a bad way for girls to start experimenting with penetration, and you can simulate some (far from all) of the sensations of intercourse with your fingers. But toys are vastly better.
 

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