Sep 18, 2015 Avistew commented on SL Letter of the Day: Creampie Catch 22.
@14 For me, it depends. Sometimes after I come I am simply disgusted with the idea of anything sexual. Sometimes I'm not disgusted, just not interested and just want to snuggle. Sometimes I don't really care. I've never had the scenario where I come and want to keep having sex, though. Even if I'm still kinda horny I'll want a small break first.

I'm sure it varies from one person to the next. I've even known guys who just kept going and would come more than once without needing any pause. Some even stayed hard the whole time. I don't think needing/wanting a break is unusual at all, though. It's just kind of understood that if you're a woman having sex with a man, if you come first you wait until he finishes even if it's not good for you anymore, and if he comes first the sex ends even if you're pretty close and wouldn't mind going on a bit longer. Of course it's a double standard, but it's one that's so well established most people don't really ever question it.
Jul 24, 2015 Avistew commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Why Couldn't He Follow the Rule?.
I actually totally understand the sender. I also like knowing before a date what to expect. It makes me feel like I'm part of it, rather than it happening behind my back. I know you can't predict everything, but if you don't know, just set the limit high so you're not likely to go above it. And wherever you set the limit, stop there. Because I agree that I wouldn't trust someone who says "nothing will happen" and then something happens. I would see him as the kind of guy who will hide things to protect my feelings, or break commitments on the spur of the moment. Not someone I can trust.

And I agree that if I can't trust someone to keep small promises/commitments, I definitely wouldn't be comfortable about bigger ones. Sure, it may look like a slippery slope argument. Maybe it is. I understand it, though. A guy who doesn't have enough self-control to stop himself from kissing someone when he promised he wouldn't probably doesn't have enough self control to stop in the middle of foreplay to put a condom on either, since the latter requires more self-control than the former, in my opinion.

This being said, I think the issue was slightly different. It probably wasn't a lack of self-control but a lack of understanding. I think the ex didn't realise that the discussion they had were binding to the letter sender. He probably saw them as his current state of mind or something. So if he went to the date with no expectations (which is good, it avoids disappointments or entitlement) he probably said he didn't think anything at all would happen. He probably saw it as "well, the default is nothing, so if I'm not absolutely sure something will happen, I'll say nothing will" while she saw it as "the default is everything, so unless I'm absolutely sure something won't happen, I'll say it may".

This being said, after the first time, I would think the resulting discussion would make him understand how she felt. And it doesn't really matter if you think your partner is silly to want something. The way I see it, if you know something is very important to your partner, and it's not important to you, then you do it their way. Otherwise it shows you don't really care that something is important to them: you'll still do whatever you want if you don't feel the same way. Not a nice precedent to set. I don't know if my partner will agree with me about what is and isn't important. So the best I can hope if for them to respect what I deem important even if they feel differently (and of course in return, I must respect things that are important to them even if I can't understand them).

If you can't do that, I don't think the relationship is going to work because you won't feel appreciated or respected. Obviously, this discussion was important to the LS. Her ex didn't realise it, or didn't care. The latter seems more likely considering it happened more than once, and when she was upset he wasn't sorry but defensive.
Jun 5, 2015 Avistew commented on Scott Walker Knows Best How Women Feel About Being Forced to Give Birth to Their Rapist's Baby.
I'm super pro-choice (although I'm even more pro making contraception widely available so people can make that choice sooner and not get pregnant in the first place if they don't want to) but I have to say, If someone is pro-life, I do not understand the "making exception for rape" thing. I totally understand making an exception if the mother's life is in danger, but because she was raped? If you truly believe abortion is murder, then saying "rape is an exception" is basically saying "murder is okay if the father of the person you murder is a rapist".

That's just weird reasoning to me. And if their reasoning is "well, it would be too hard on the woman, having to carry the child when it's a constant reminded of the rape", I wonder why their empathy for how women feels about pregnancy stops there. Surely, being pregnant is always traumatic to some extent when the child is unwanted. If you don't want the child, it's a parasite eating your body from the inside and making you sick, for nine months. It's also a violation of your body, it's also your body being used without any regard for your consent if you're not given the right to end it.

Anyway, I find the guy's point of view vile. But I find his consistency easier to understand than the more traditional pro-life point of view.

Oh, and that whole ultrasound thing is stupid. Notice also how he's talking about what the grandparents or the kids feel about the picture, not the mothers? It's like they're being erased from the picture again. Have an ultrasound! Your parents (or the dad's parents) and the kid you don't want might enjoy it!
Jun 5, 2015 Avistew commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Can't We All Porn Together?.
It seems to me that when FAP asks "why are gay/bi men the only ones who are expected to enjoy M2M porn?" she wasn't saying "why aren't straight men expected to enjoy M2M porn?" but "why are only MEN (bi or gay) expected to enjoy it? Why are females expected not to, even when they are attracted to men?"

So I feel the answer was completely missing the question. And while many females do like M2M porn, it's true that we're apparently not supposed to. I get lots of comments and am expected to justify myself if I mention liking it. I always point out to the fact that straight men like F2F porn so why wouldn't I, a straight female, like M2M porn? But the answer is always "it's not the same!". Not sure how or why. Seems like the same to me.

So I think it really comes down to the idea that women aren't supposed to enjoy porn (or if they do it's with a male partner so why would it involve M2M porn?) and women aren't supposed to masturbate, or whatever. I mean, sure, society's getting a bit better about it. But it's still equating "woman who masturbates" with "woman go gets around". There is no such equation with men.
Mar 19, 2015 Avistew commented on SL Letter of the Day: Sobbing Isn't Sexy.
Can't seem to be able to edit my comment. I wanted to add, after re-reading: the part that made me feel that way was "right then, right there". When I read it, I pictured something along the lines of "well now I'm in the mood and since you're on the floor crying you obviously aren't, but we're going to do it NOW, and you better take it because otherwise you get nothing".
Mar 19, 2015 Avistew commented on SL Letter of the Day: Sobbing Isn't Sexy.
@8, at first I thought it was going to be something like that when I started reading the letter, but only up to the description of the times they do have sex. The "he wants sex, and wants it right away, whenever I'm crying on the floor" does seem like a fetish. She didn't write that he goes "fine, let's have sex, please stop crying" or comforts her and things lead to one another or something. The phrasing (especially from someone who is blaming herself for the whole thing) just made me see it that way.

Add the fact that he apparently says he likes to control when sex happens (doesn't sound like someone who has sex when he feels emotionally blackmailed into it even though he doesn't feel like it, more like someone who wants to be begged for sex up to the point of breakdown, and is the one doing the blackmailing).

I expected the advice to include suggestions to try and figure out how to introduce the begging and crying on the floor to the sex life so that she's not miserable when she's doing it, and she can do it more often and get sex more often.

On the other hand the guy does sound manipulative and that's a warning sign.
Dec 17, 2014 Avistew commented on SL Letters of the Day: A Foursome.
@5 the "solo" in "solopoly" refers to the fact the person is, while not single in a "don't have any partners" kind of way, independent and that their family is just them.

In other words, solopolys (and I'm sorry, but I've always seen it and used it as a single word, not two) don't have relationships that match the "picket fence" stereotype. Their relationships are with people they do not live with, have children with, get married to, share finances, etc. In other words, they don't have any relationship that are commonly called "primary". However, they have multiple relationships, hence the "poly".

It's not the same as dating around. Dating around has the implication that it's not serious, and that at some point you will become exclusive and "pick one". Solopolys may have long term, committed relationships, they just maintain their independence as well and aren't interested in the relationship escalator.

For what it's worth, I'm pretty much the opposite of a solopoly as far as polyamory goes (multiple primaries, no interest in secondary relationships).

@10 "monopoly" is a different kind of poly relationship (although we usually call it "mono/poly" to prevent a mix-up with the word or game). "Mono/poly" relationships are between a poly person and at least one mono person, and they present their own challenges.

I agree there are tons of terms, and there is no reason to know them all when you're not part of the community (just like you don't know all the technical terms for a job you don't do), but they can be pretty useful within the community and I'm sure that's how they developed to begin with.
Nov 26, 2014 Avistew commented on SL Letter of the Day: Criminal in Canada.
In my opinion, the fact she lied shows she didn't feel too comfortable about it.

Still in my opinion, the fact she lied is also what makes it worse. It's possible that if she had told him, at the time "you passed out and I kept going for a bit but you didn't wake up so I felt weird doing things to you when you weren't responding, and I stopped" he would have cared less.

However, she said "I stopped", probably because she felt she should have. Then much later it turns out she lied. The fact she lied is the unsettling part, to me. As you said, when you're in a long-term relationship, every so often there will be contact while one person is unconscious. But if you trust your partner to tell you if and when it happens and check with you, you can feel safe sleeping at night. If you don't trust your partner to tell you because they once kept it a secret for 6 months, that's quite different. Then you start wondering what they might be doing every night when you're sleeping next to them.

I think she realised it was wrong, and that's why she lied. But if she hadn't, it's quite possible the whole thing would have just been a tiny event they would have both moved on from ages ago. Your wife continuous to touch you after you pass out if one thing. Your wife lying to you about it for six months is another.
Oct 14, 2014 Avistew commented on Savage Love.
@8 I have to disagree with you. NNP's wife is "post-mononormative" and "misinterprets boundaries" which seems to translate as "has sex with other people and uses various pretentious excuses" which means she's not out of the dating pool at all. And NNP is considering getting a romantic partner of his own. Being together isn't keeping them out of the dating pool at all. It looks like being stuck with her is even encouraging him to date around.
Sep 20, 2014 Avistew commented on Wanna Cuddle with Strangers?.
I would so use that app if I didn't know that many people would be trying to get sex. I'd rather cuddle with my friends but most people seem uncomfortable with the idea, and cuddling consenting strangers is better than cuddling non-consenting friends.

Sadly, I expect the app to be riddled with people hoping for sex, so I'll pass on it.