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Asking & Telling
March 7, 2002
I am a 29-year-old gay male, and I have a problem. There's a guy at my office who is absolutely gorgeous, but I don't know if he's gay. I don't have very much contact with him, because we are in different departments. He does gives off "gay" signals, though: He wears a pair of hoop earrings and dresses like an Abercrombie & Fitch model, and his hair is bleached. (I know that those things alone don't mean he is gay, but we live in a very conservative area, so I'm hoping that tips the odds.) Other people have told me they are pretty sure he's straight, but I haven't heard of or seen any hard evidence (girlfriend, wedding ring, etc.).
Is there a way for me to determine his orientation without tipping my hand? I've racked my brain for months about this, and so far the best idea I have is to send him an e-mail, posing as "an anonymous co-worker" who wonders if he is interested.
Can U, Mr. Savage, Help Out This Sap?
Dear Readers: Of course the best way to find out if someone is gay is to ask him, so I wrote CUMSHOTS back personally and told him just that. CUMSHOTS responded, claiming he was too chicken to ask the bleach blond personally, and wanted to know if there was some top-secret way to find out if the bleach blond is a fag. So I did what any self-respecting sex columnist would do: Using CUMSHOTS' e-mail address (he wrote me from work), and the info at the bottom of his e-mail, I managed to trace down the phone number of his place of employment (an office in Rochester, Minnesota). I called and asked the receptionist if there was an attractive guy who worked in the building with bleach blond hair and hoop earrings. I was quickly connected.
The bleach blond with the hoop earrings wasn't amused when I told him who I was and why I was calling--and he also told me he wasn't gay. But what about the bleach blond hair? Hoop earrings? Willingly dressing like an A&F model? "There are straight people with style, you know," the bleach blond sighed, clearly annoyed with me and, I suspect, not just with me. You might want to delete your old e-mails, CUMSHOTS, before HR comes poking around.
I'm female, and I've known that I am bisexual for all my adult life. When I enter into a relationship with either sex, this is the first thing I tell my partner. Most men cannot handle the idea of "sharing" me, so I leave. My current boyfriend and I have been together for about four months now, and I was so thrilled because he said from the get-go that he was fine with me having a romp with another woman, maybe even all three of us.
Well, now that I've met the woman of my dreams, and a romp is imminent, my boyfriend is saying that it will be "cheating," and if I can play with someone else, so can he. Is foreplay-style sex between two women, with no bodily fluids exchanged, truly cheating? Even if I discussed it with my boyfriend from day one?
50/50 on the Westside
Yes, it's cheating. You're involved with a guy, you're going to have sex with a girl. If your steady boyfriend feels that's cheating, then it counts as cheating. Didn't you warn him in advance that there would be women? Yes, you did. But that doesn't mean you're not cheating. If I warn you in advance that I'm going to fuck you in the ass, that doesn't mean it's not buttfucking when I get around to fucking you in ass, does it?
Finally, "foreplay-style sex, with no bodily fluids exchanged" is still sex--and it's rather self-serving of you to suggest it isn't. I pity the poor straight man who suggests to a roomful of lesbians or bisexual women that girl-on-girl sex isn't really sex because it's only so much foreplay. It's sex, it counts, and if you're doing it with someone other than your boyfriend, it's cheating. If you don't want your boyfriend sleeping with other people, then you shouldn't sleep with other people.
After asking everyone from my mother to the pharmacist for advice, I'm turning to you now in confusion and despair. Here's the lowdown: I'm 24, I've graduated from a prestigious college, and I've started a promising career. Last year I met a wonderful immigrant and after teaching him a few English words, I've been having a mad love affair with him. He's the best sex I've ever had and, come to think of it, the best boyfriend I've ever had--minus a few important details.
Americans work hard and play hard. He's used to working when he feels like it and never went to college (but after meeting me he now is determined to get a degree in order to be my equal). I must also mention he had his driver's license taken away, and he failed his first English class. He never takes me out for dinner because he never has any money, etc. You get the idea.
I know life is not about money, but it's becoming increasingly difficult to think of my future with him since he's struggling so hard with the American reality. I should mention that many overseas people think of America as a gold mine with hot chicks, fast cars, and party party party, and, well, he's realizing it's not that way at all. He's on his second year in the USA and, quite frankly, he hates our lifestyle. He's miserable here and he's bringing me down--but I love him! And I am certain he's madly in love with me, too. Still, my mother wants me to break up with him, and so do all of my friends. I should also mention he has his green card, so it's not what you may think. Whatever shall I do?
There Must Be A Way
Dump the lazy piece of shit.
Your mom and pharmacist and your friends are giving you good advice: He's a scumbag and you're a fool for dating him. You don't have a future with him--not unless you consider supporting an excuse-making bullshit artist for the rest of your life a "future." If he came to this country because he didn't want to work, well, he immigrated to the wrong goddamned country. According to a recent United Nations report, Americans work harder, and longer hours, than the citizens of any other industrialized nation. If he doesn't want to work--if he doesn't care for the American reality--then, shit, I hate to sound like Pat Buchanan, but why the fuck doesn't he take his lazy ass back to wherever it is he came from?
Look, TMBAW, there's plenty wrong with the American reality (too many guns, too little healthcare, Ari Fleischer), but plenty of people who immigrate to the United States manage to make enough money to take their American girlfriends out to dinner once in a while, whether or not they speak English. In other words, there's something wrong with HIM, not with the American reality. This guy is a user and a bullshit artist (the guy who can't swing an English class is going to get a college degree?), and while the sex may be good, there's no future in this fling. DUMP HIM.