Heteroflexible

May 16, 2002

By Dan Savage
Why are you so reluctant to let anyone be bi? You have all these people writing to you saying they're straight but like members of their own sex, but you never say, "Hey, maybe you're bi." You're awfully quick to affirm their self-image as either gay or straight (Wanna Be Cock Sucker in last week's column) or contradict them (Mostly Straight Boy in the same column). Why not suggest a middle ground? Why perpetuate the myth that bisexuals do not really exist?

Jim In Memphis

I'm all for people identifying as bisexual if that sexual identity works for them. The problem with the bisexual identity, JIM, is that it doesn't work very well for very many people.

I'll take this slow so JIM can follow along: Sexual orientation may not be a choice, but sexual identity is. The more closely a person's professed sexual identity reflects his behavior, and the more closely his behavior reflects his desires, the less fucked-up and conflicted he's likely to be. So if a guy is attracted to men and women equally, and he sleeps with both men and women, and he falls in love with men and women, he should identify as bisexual, since the bisexual label most accurately describes who he is and what his partners can expect from him.

If a guy's sexual and emotional desires are overwhelmingly hetero, on the other hand, but he likes to suck cock once in a great while, then identifying as bisexual is rather misleading. A guy who's exclusively into women emotionally and 95 percent into women sexually probably shouldn't tell anyone he's bi. Better he should round himself up to 100 percent hetero in casual conversations and tell people he's straight--not because it's convenient or safer in the closet, or because Dan Savage doesn't think bisexuals exist. (Believe me, they do, and I'm going to hear from them this week.) No, he should tell people he's straight because "straight" most accurately describes who he is. See how that works?


Your most recent column is the first I've heard about straight guys wanting to get blowjobs from other guys. I have to question if there are really as many gay-curious straight men as you suggest. Speaking as a straight male, I don't want a guy to suck my cock, and it strikes me as odd that I'd be in the minority with my "no man-on-man cocksucking, please" stance as a straight man. Anyway, love the column.

Insert Clever Descriptive Pseudonym Here

Ahem.

The straight guys whose letters you object to, ICDPH, weren't looking for some guy to suck their cocks. Quite the contrary: They wanted to suck cock themselves. Most straight men who wanna have a homosexual experience wanna suck dick and get fucked, probably because those acts violate every straight man's it's-an-exit-not-an-entry, silly-faggot-dicks-are-for-chicks, no-way-dude taboos--and violating taboos, as any Catholic priest can tell you, is hot, hot, hot.

As for your other concerns, WBCS and other straight-identified guys who fantasize about sucking cock represent a small minority of straight men, and nothing I've ever written could be interpreted as implying otherwise. I do get a lot of mail from straight guys who wanna suck cock, as I said in my column, but I recognize that my sample is skewed. Straight guys curious about sucking cock are more likely to write me than Abigail "Call the Cops" Van Buren. A permissive gay male advice columnist is a better bet for sympathetic cocksucking advice and/or the website address of particularly hot male escorts. (Here are few: www.davidinseattle.com, www.dannyjock.com, www.bitesizedblond.com.) But while my sample is skewed, I don't think the phenomenon of straight male wannabe cocksuckers is as rare as you and other insecure straight men would like to believe.

According to the authors of Sex In America, a book based on a groundbreaking sex study conducted by the University of Chicago in the early 1990s, while just 2.8 percent of American men identified as gay, almost 10 percent of men have had a homosexual experience. That means almost seven percent of the "straight" men in America have sucked a little cock--and that was back in 1992, before heteroflexibility came into vogue. By no means are cocksucking straight guys the majority, ICDPH, but there would appear to be millions of straight male cocksuckers out there--and not just wannabes, mind you, but havedones.


Do you have any idea what it is about cocksucking that seems appealing to so many otherwise "straight" guys?

Help Us, My Mentor, Explain Random Solicitudes

Heterosexual men become aroused when researchers show them films of other men's hard cocks, HUMMERS, which explains why there's so much cock in porn produced for straight men. It stands to reason that a small number of cock-obsessed straight men might let their obsessions get the better of them and take a walk on the wild side.


Some advice for WBCS from a straight guy who was once in his shoes:

1. Do it.

2. Do it safely. Trust me: Crabs suck, and they're the least of your worries. And don't do it behind a significant other's back. That's neither safe nor fair.

3. Can't find a partner? The Internet is a bi-curious guy's best friend. Online you're almost guaranteed to meet someone you wouldn't normally come into contact with, so discretion becomes a lot easier.

Sucked A Few Cocks
And Lived To Tell About It


Glad to hear there are so many guys like me out there--essentially straight men who like to suck cock. My solution to the safe vs. discreet dilemma was to find married guys like myself who were looking for the same thing. WBCS should find a man who likes to get off with a guy a COUPLE times a year, and make him your cocksucking buddy.

Happily Married Cocksucker

Thanks for sharing, SAFCALTTAI and HMC.


I have been totally confused about where my love life is going. I consider myself to be gay, but just two weeks ago I met a girl, and it was love at first sight. I have been putting off asking her out on a "date" because I don't want to hurt her to satisfy my curiosity about heterosexual sex. I'm deeply confused about this. What should I do?

Gay And Confused

Hey, maybe you're bi. If so, buy yourself some Peruvian drawstring pants, a beret, and a Guatemalan handbag. Once you're bisexually attired, sit down and write an angry letter to any snarky gay advice columnist who dares to perpetuate the myth of bisexual fashion disasters. Once that's done, TELL THIS GIRL YOU WANNA FUCK HER. Share your inner conflict with her (women dig that inner conflict shit), and see what she says. If she says yes, FUCK HER, if she says no, go find some nice boy to fuck until you feel like your old faggot-assed self again.

Next week in Savage Love: Letters from red-blooded American straight boys who wanna fuck women, eat pussy, drink beer, and watch girl-on-girl porn.

mail@savagelove.net

 

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Comments (13) RSS

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1
Great stuff, Mr. Savage. I am amazed that in this age of so-called sexual enlightenment, there is so little actual enlightenment. I am 100% straight. I've never had any propensity for falling in love with a man. BUT, I have enjoyed having occasional sex with men for years. I've had many people insist that I must call myself bi or come the rest of the way out of the closed and call myself gay. I'm only deluding myself, etc. I tend to piss a lot of gay men off because I understand that their "identity" is nothing more than artifice. THey tell me that I'm supressing my true nature. What bullshit.

Look, sucking cock is hot. It's different, but it is hot. I think that most straight guys would give it a shot (so to speak) if they were not so insecure and afraid. I know that almost all of them whack it to the fantasy. And guys that won't let another guy blow you, I have only one thing to say to you: are you out of your fucking minds? I've had a lot of blow jobs in my time and I can tell you that I've never had one from a woman that wasn't mediocre at best. But the blow job that an experience guy will give you will blow your fucking mind. If you think your girlfriend/SO/wife gives good blow jobs, that's because you've never had a good one and don't know the difference. But if you are going to go there and let a guy blow you, you have to be willing to reciprocate.

And to gay men, who refuse to try sex with a woman: are you, too, out of your fucking minds? Gay sex is hot, yes. But a woman has genitals that are specifically designed to ultimately stimulate a cock. Nothing even comes close to it. No , not and anus. It's nice, but a cheap substitute. If you die not having tore up a pussy a few times, you die ignorant and missing one of the great pleasures of life. So get off you ass and go get some snatch. Yeah, women are a pain in the ass, but not much more so than gay men.
More...
Posted by Happy Straigh Cocksucker (not wannabe) on January 23, 2009 at 10:28 AM · Report
2
I dont fancy men at all but love sucking cock whats wrong with me
Posted by john on February 13, 2009 at 3:31 AM · Report
3
i like having my cock sucked by a man they do it better i am straight man joe
Posted by joe on April 8, 2009 at 4:25 PM · Report
4 Comment Pulled
5
To poster #1: Sorry to disagree with you on the "gay men should try straight sex," but I am a classic Kinsey 6, 110% gay, etc. Years ago, I once tried to hook up with a married couple, where the wife just wanted to watch (and not touch), while her husband banged me, and I couldn't do it. The very thought of "koochie" being even just in the room, attached to the eyes that would be watching, and not touching, gave me pangs of anxiety, so I had to decline. I also realize that there are people in this world, where that scene would definitely be their turn-on. Just not mine.

As a gay male, some of my best friends are women (lesbians and straight fag-hags), but I know my body, mind and sexual turn-ons, and it just wouldn't happen with a woman, no matter how drunk, stoned or horny I was. There is simply not enough Viagra in the world to make me "stand at attention" for heterosexual sex.

So, knowing this, are my straight male friends correct, when they jokingly call me a "heterophobe?" I reckon I'm like the old 7-up commercials, for the "UnCola." When it comes to having sex with a woman: Never had it, never will.
Posted by Frau Blucher on April 14, 2009 at 8:53 AM · Report
6
Just a point about the math:

"while just 2.8 percent of American men identified as gay, almost 10 percent of men have had a homosexual experience. That means almost seven percent of the "straight" men in America have sucked a little cock"

Rather than "almost 7%", it is actually a little over 7%

All men in America = 100%
homosexual experience = 10%
identify as gay = 2.8%
following with your assumption that "doesn't identify as gay means straight":
straight men in America = 100-2.8=97.2%
straight men with homosexual experience = 10-2.8 = 7.2%

percent of "straight" men who have sucked a little cock = 7.2/97.2 = 7.4%
Posted by Mathoholic on April 14, 2009 at 10:50 PM · Report
7
Yeah, I've heard that before about men giving better blow jobs than women! How do you do it, cock-sucker guys? What's your secret? I really want to learn!!
Posted by a lady on April 15, 2009 at 12:47 AM · Report
8
Wondering: Is there a place in Savage World for someone who doesn't think of other human beings in terms of how they can be best used like commodities for self-gratification? Who doesn't believe that you will die obsessed by your kinks if you don't act them out?

Wondering: Are you guys letting your partners know about the cock-sucking on the side? Here's a tip: Integrity is HOT!!! And you can have it with everyone regardless of gender!
Posted by Clam on April 15, 2009 at 3:12 AM · Report
9
I really like the "heteroflexible" term - sums me up to a T. When I've tried to find hook ups, I'd *always* have to exmplain, "yes, I'm bi, but only interested in cock sucking and ass fucking - I'm not attracted to men or interested in cuddling/kissing/etc." "Heteroflexible" is a far more convenient way to say all that. :D
Posted by mostly-straight on April 15, 2009 at 11:55 PM · Report
10
I have had sex and relationships with both guys and girls, but lean toward guys more of the time. The problem, I think, is with the idea that bisexuals are expected to go half and half with their attractions. I don't think even most straights are 100% uninterested in the opposite sex. I usually fall in love with dudes, but it doesn't bother me when I fall for another girl. And there's no other word for it BUT bisexual!
Posted by AJK on April 20, 2009 at 6:29 PM · Report
11
being a closeted cocksucker (male) I can assure you that there are a LOT of
married men that like to get their cock sucked, I know because I've sucked them.
I love the term heteroflexible as that describes me perfectly! As for the woman that wants to know how we do it, I would say that you have to love to suck cock as I do, of course!
Posted by Edward on April 21, 2009 at 4:15 PM · Report
12
Remember when the gay identity didnt suit well most people who had same-sex relationships? Just 50 years back, when a vast majority of gay men were closeted or invisible and in fact inexistent in a large part of the US states? I dont think that was because gays really didnt exist. It was because they were just not accepted and people were very very doubtful that they could actually be normal people, reliable, trustworthy and not weird or even dangerous. If you think about it hard dont you think that maybe maybe if there was less bigotry around more bisexual men would be out and eager to establish relationships with who they love, irrespective of their gender? Maybe women wouldnt mind so much their boyfriends were bisexual if they werent immediately perceived as 100% gay and thereby not *truly* attracted to them. Or gay men wouldnt be so often relentlessly mistrusting bisexual men if they were out and just easy about it. Your writing is hurting people as the witty smart writing of anti-gay comedians did in the past. PLEASE please just think about it.
Posted by AJS on July 28, 2009 at 11:35 AM · Report
13
Heteroflexible is a useful term and I think it describes a lot of people who usually identify as bisexual. In fact, if it becomes a well-known term, I think it will help the bicurious to also come out of their closets.
But when it comes to sex, nobody should ever do anything they really don't want to do. As the lyric from the an old R&B song went, "If it don't fit, don't force it."
Posted by catseye on August 31, 2009 at 4:15 PM · Report

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