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The Sub's Paradox

December 28, 2011

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I am a 25-year-old gay man. Although I have always accepted my homosexuality and never really felt bad about it, recently I have been going through a hard time psychologically because I'm exposing myself to very graphic homophobic online content. There are blogs, online groups, and websites that cater to gay men who like to be abused and degraded by "straight" men. Some people write extensively about how all gay rights should be rolled back.

I am very disturbed because I am actually aroused by content that shows supposedly straight men degrading gay men. I always come away feeling disturbed, insecure, and unhappy. But when I'm horny, I go right back. The worst feeling comes from knowing that a lot of those people don't seem to recognize it as just a fantasy, but instead believe in the homophobic views they express.

I was never disturbed by BDSM-type fantasies or BDSM porn, as it never seemed to be related to homophobia at all. But this type of dom/sub thing is very disturbing, as people don't seem to be "just playing" and it is playing with a real-world violent and powerful hate ideology. Is it okay for me to just view this as another harmless fantasy or is this something I need to control or get help dealing with? Secondly, are the people who contribute, participate in, and produce such gay-bashing sexualized content just indulging in a version of acceptable BDSM/kink or is it dangerous to use a prevalent hate ideology in sex play?

Not An Inferior Faggot

P.S. Examples of these websites: faggot4ever.tumblr.com, obeythestraightman.tumblr.com, and tribes.tribe.net/qssm.

You're not inferior, NAIF, and you're not alone.

In fact, you have lots of horny soul mates out there—think of strong feminist women with rape fantasies, think of faithful Jews with Nazi fetishes, think of empowered African Americans who get off on Master/slave role-play scenes. And think of all the gay men out there turned on by those vaguely threatening male archetypes. I mean, come on: All those cliché gay male sex symbols—truckers, skinheads, marines, cops, firemen, gangbangers—don't exactly represent the kinds of people or professions that have historically been associated with tolerance.

A person can safely explore degrading fantasies—even fantasies rooted in "hate ideology"—so long as he/she is capable of compartmentalizing this stuff. Basically, you have to build a firewall between your fantasies and your self-esteem. (And, just as importantly, between your fantasies and your politics.) Once you do that, NAIF, you'll be able to enjoy your "straight men abusing fags" fantasies without feeling devastated immediately after you come. In fact, successfully building that firewall and then enjoying your fantasies without shame can leave you feeling stronger and more empowered for having these fantasies in the first place. Call it the sub's paradox: A D/s sub who can enjoy his fantasies without being shredded by them is in control, not being controlled—regardless of how things might appear to a casual or misinformed observer.

But it doesn't sound like you've been able to build that firewall yet, NAIF, due to feelings of shame rooted in a perceived disconnect between the person you know yourself to be—a proud gay man—and the scenarios that make your dick hard. But there is no disconnect, NAIF. You don't really hate yourself any more than the feminist with rape fantasies really wants to be raped or the Jewish guy with Nazi fantasies really believes that Germans are the master race. (Could a people who routinely wear sandals with socks be the master race? No, they could not.) It might help if you reminded yourself of that before, during, and after you rub one out—it also might help if a sex-positive counselor reminded you of that during some regular sessions over a period of months.

You know what else might help? Finding a nice, out, proud gay man who gets off on this shit, too, NAIF, a guy who wants to explore these degradation fantasies with you in real time—safely, respectfully, and consensually. Cuddling after a hot, crazy, kinky D/s sex session with the "straight" guy who five minutes ago was "degrading" you for being a "worthless faggot"—and then getting dressed and going out to grab some fro-yo and chat about Glee—would go a long way toward helping you see your fantasies as something that brought intimacy, companionship, and connection into your life, instead of self-loathing and self-recrimination.

But don't start exploring your fantasies with a boyfriend until that firewall is well under construction, NAIF, okay?


Three months ago, I started a fuck-buddy relationship with an old friend. As we are both not seeking a serious romance, I thought it would be a good idea. My assumption was that the relationship was "open." But when I asked him how he'd feel about me dating another guy, he got defensive and said that if I fucked other guys, he would "never" sleep with me again. I asked him if he was sleeping with other girls, and he said no. I don't know whether to be happy (he likes me enough to be monogamous) or freaked (at his leotarded communication style). I do have feelings for him, and the sex is progressing from good to great. Any advice would be helpful.

Confused Canadian Chick

I would advise you to have a convo about upgrading your frequent-fucker cards from fuck-buds silver to boyfriend/girlfriend gold. The latter designation gets closer to the facts on the ground: You have feelings for him, he has feelings for you (however poorly articulated), the sex is great, the relationship is exclusive. You two may not have been seeking romance, CCC, but it looks like romance found you.


I'm a straight male in a committed live-in relationship. My girlfriend and I have sex once a week, usually on Saturday mornings. During the week, she is either too tired or too full after dinner. She often says she wants to have sex, but come 9:30 p.m., she's ready to get in bed and watch TV until she falls asleep. She asks me on a daily basis if I've masturbated in her absence. If I say no, she accuses me of lying. She has demanded to smell my hands to see if she can smell lube on them. I resent feeling interrogated and guilt-tripped over this. When I do masturbate, I always clean up after myself and I'm doing it before she gets home or after she's gone to bed. So, again, why the guilt?

Browbeating Okay, Meat Beating Another Story Totally

I don't know who's crazier, your controlling, psychotic, hand-sniffing girlfriend, BOMBAST, or you, for sticking around and putting up with this bullshit. There's nothing wrong with having a low libido; it's not a crime to want sex only once a week. But terrorizing a higher-libido partner about whether or not he is making ends meet by masturbating now and then—and demanding to smell his hands!—is borderline abusive behavior. DTMFA, BOMBAST, and be so kind as to pass this bit of advice on to your soon-to-be ex-girlfriend: If you want a companion animal you can castrate, lady, get a dog. Not a boyfriend, not a husband. A dog.


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Comments (166) RSS

Oldest First Unregistered On Registered On Add a comment
1
Bow-Wow Dan! Happy New Year!!
Posted by gbrooks on December 27, 2011 at 5:53 PM · Report this
2
Excellent quote about castration Dan! I plan on borrowing it.
Posted by scorpio of Id. on December 27, 2011 at 6:08 PM · Report this
3
Won't somebody think of the puppies?
Posted by Cloudgazer on December 27, 2011 at 6:23 PM · Report this
4
One night at the office a man is overcome with a fit of desire for his secretary. They make mad passionate love and linger for hours. When he awakes from his stupor, he panics not knowing what to tell his wife. He dresses, puts powder on his hands, and goes home. His wife asks where he's been. He sheepishly tells her that he's late because he's had sex with his secretary. His wife quick grabs his hands which he's held behind his back and says "Don't you lie to me! You've been bowling!"

Translation: BOMBAST, if your girlfriend objects to your masturbating, you could always have an affair.
Posted by Crinoline on December 27, 2011 at 6:33 PM · Report this
5
BOMBAST: I never understood why some significant others get upset if their partners masturbate. It's better than someone going out to cheat. I think that it's horrible that she accuses you of doing so, and going as far as smelling your hands is just, well, CRAZY!

To reduce the guilt you feel and the craziness of her smelling your hands, maybe you should go into the bedroom while she's waiting to drift off to sleep, start masturbating in front of her, and then turn over and fall asleep when you're done. You might wake up to an EX girlfriend...but you'll wake up satisfied!
Posted by broken beyond repair on December 27, 2011 at 7:47 PM · Report this
6
BOMBAST found himself a psycho-bitch and needs to run as fast as he can. Sorry to use the juvenile, chauvinistic term,,,but it fits in this case.
Posted by Approaching 40 in LA on December 27, 2011 at 7:48 PM · Report this
7
Lube for masturbation? Won't a little saliva do the trick?
Posted by i forgot my login on December 27, 2011 at 7:51 PM · Report this
8
CCC: Why did you asked your "fuck buddy" how he would feel if you dated other guys if this relationship was open from the start? I'm wondering if you secretly had feelings for your fuck buddy going into this "open relationship" and hoped that he would develop feelings for you.

I, too, had a "fuck buddy" who was an old friend of mine. He was in an "open marriage", and I believed that our relationship was all it was along with an long time friendship. However, a situation caused that to change, and my "fuck buddy" became very aggressive towards me in the end.

I say that to say this: In your case, I hope Dan is correct about "the romance finding you". But, just because your friend became "defensive" doesn't necessarily mean he has romantic feelings for you unless he comes out and tells you that he does. It could be case of control and the good ol' "I don't want you but don't want anyone else to have you." Don't ignore any red flags that may be there.
Posted by broken beyond repair on December 27, 2011 at 8:15 PM · Report this
9
@7 - saliva dries quicker than some men shoot.
Posted by bluemoonbaby on December 27, 2011 at 8:53 PM · Report this
10
Hey Bombast,

Your SO sounds very insecure, maybe you should consider a round of counseling? Sometimes an impartial translator/negotiator local on the ground is enough to set things clear; before you DTMFA, decide if it is worth spending some time and money to get beyond "Meh". Having a third party explain that she doesn't need to feel guilty, or make you feel guilty about having PIV once a week might get rid of a lot of the drama.

BTW, you do try to go out on dates, right? And you (as a couple) hang out with friends, right? Being stuck at home may be a part of the problem as well.

Peace.
Posted by Married in MA on December 27, 2011 at 9:06 PM · Report this
despicable me 11
Holy cow, BOMBAST, scratch n sniff? Really? The honeymoon's over and you weren't even invited to attend. Thank all Gods you don't have to pay for a divorce.
Posted by despicable me on December 27, 2011 at 9:51 PM · Report this
OutInBumF 12
Imagine his life AFTER she's got a ring on his finger; they're only living together and this is his life? RUN, BOMBAST, RUN!
Posted by OutInBumF on December 27, 2011 at 10:57 PM · Report this
13
CCC: "He likes me enough to be monogamous."

That is, if you don't feel monogamous you must not like your partner enough.

True for you? Cool.

But in general? Beg to differ, CCC. Beg to differ.

Posted by Token Straight Old dude on December 27, 2011 at 11:05 PM · Report this
14
Awesome answer for NAIF that made it real for so many people. This is why Dan is a sex advice columnist who just happens to be gay and NOT a "gay" sex advice columnist. No need to necessarily separate the two but I suppose it endears him to many of the straight readers.

Awesome answer for the confused chick. I don't think I have ever seen Dan recommend upgrading from a fuck buddy to a BF/GF which is a far cry from DTMFA.

BOMBAST needs to run like the wind. Alternatively he could tell her something like yes, bitch, I have normal needs just like a, like, normal guy. So I am beating off and I am planning to fuck the first thing that falls in front of my path. So if you want to fuck in the missionary position once a week I will always be there for you. The rest of the time I will be living a real life you pathetic cunt.

Once a week after 20 years of marriage is grounds for an affair IMHO. Once a week while just living together means once every 3-12 months after the VOWS. I guarantee this woman will make AT LEAST 4 men's lives a living hell during her pathetic so called life and she will probably make out like a gold digging bandit.......
Posted by Professor on December 27, 2011 at 11:39 PM · Report this
15
@13: "enough to be monogamous" is a semantic unit. If you remove the last three words, you change the meaning of the sentence.

Posted by avast2006 on December 28, 2011 at 12:14 AM · Report this
16
CCC:

If you laid out the ground rules from the start (not clear from your letter), and he still got his panties in a wad when you talked about seeing other people, DO NOT DATE HIM. Do not even fuck him. That sort of behavior can signal some serious jealousy issues, even beyond those of your run-of-the-mill monogamist. He'll never stop asking if you're fucking someone else.

If you didn't discuss the nature of the relationship before then, I'd still be wary. It's 2011; no one in their right mind assumes sex means exclusivity without further discussion.
Posted by Antonia on December 28, 2011 at 12:17 AM · Report this
17
BOMBAST: have you tried just telling her that yes, you have masturbated, and what is she going to do about it? I'm a little confused why she even thinks this is something she should have any say in, or why you give her any authority over you on this. Sorry to sound rude, but you sound like a little boy trying to explain himself to his mother.

If she gives you any shit, tell her a) it's not her penis, b) if she doesn't want you taking care of your own needs, she had damned well better take care of them herself any time you ask, and c) once a week is not nearly fucking often enough.
Posted by avast2006 on December 28, 2011 at 1:07 AM · Report this
18
CCC: When you say that neither of you are looking for a serious relationship, did that mean that either of you was averse to a serious relationship, if one happened to drop in your lap? Because it appears that one is in the process of dropping in your lap right now.

If you have feelings for him, and the sex is progressing from good to great, why are you still looking around? Are you poly? If not, is there something else about him or about your circumstances that would disqualify this relationship from progressing to the next level?

Posted by avast2006 on December 28, 2011 at 1:22 AM · Report this
19
WOW----and I thought my ex was bad!! BOMBAST, leave her NOW!

CCC: Romance found you. Congrats. All the best.

Anybody: One dumb question regarding CCC's letter to Dan: Why the word "leotarded" ? I'm not nitpicking, just curious. Does the definition possibly have anything to do with the fifth astrological sign? I'm a Leo, but I don't consider myself "leotarded". Spanxed, maybe, but not leotarded.
Posted by auntie grizelda on December 28, 2011 at 1:53 AM · Report this
20
BOMBAST:

Dan missed the real problem here, and the real problem is you.

Your natural reaction to a situation where some other person demands something unreasonable from you is to pretend you're meeting their expectations.

This is not healthy. If someone demands something from you that you do not think is right of them to demand from you, tell them that you do not agree. After communicating that you do not agree with their expectations, you will have the opportunity to either create expectations that you can both mutually agree to, or decide that such an agreement is not possible and move on.

Those who are upset because they feel they must hide their true behavior from their significant other have only themselves to blame.
Posted by biggie on December 28, 2011 at 2:12 AM · Report this
21
@19:

Dan came up with the term "leotarded" to replace the word "retarded" as an insult.
Posted by Ashley Amber on December 28, 2011 at 3:06 AM · Report this
22
"Bitch." "You pathetic cunt." "This woman will make at least four men's lives a living hell during her pathetic so called life and will make out like a gold digging bandit."

Wow, #14...why so angry? I think you revealed more about yourself in your comment than you did about the letter. And, here's hoping you're not really a "Professor," or at least one with women in your classroom.
Posted by happy mom on December 28, 2011 at 3:37 AM · Report this
23
17 and others-- Being in an exclusive relationship does not give one partner a say in how often the other masturbates. We're in agreement there. My quibble is in whether her once-a-weekness has anything to do with it. I'd say that was irrelevant to the discussion. My boyfriend is always glad to have sex with me whenever I want to have sex with him. That doesn't preclude my liking to have sex with myself now and then, and I'd guess he does the same, though I've never concerned myself with asking.
Posted by Crinoline on December 28, 2011 at 5:52 AM · Report this
slomopomo 24
@22 -- I was wondering (and hoping) the same about 14. FWIW.

and ... lube?? you need lube?
Posted by slomopomo on December 28, 2011 at 6:03 AM · Report this
25
@22 happy,

Translation for 14: I got caught having an affair because my wife wasn't enough in bed, and I'm paying lots in alimony now.

Peace.
Posted by Married in MA on December 28, 2011 at 6:06 AM · Report this
AFinch 26
@22 - Don't feed the troll.

BOMBAST - are you for real? I am not sure if your letter was sincere or farce/parody. Assuming (as Dan did) that you are sincere, I highly highly highly recommend you read @20 about 20 times. It's the best synopsis of this dynamic I've ever seen (said as a fellow sufferer).

There is a way of asserting yourself without having to work up the kind of anger someone like the perfesser (clearly terrified of women, like most misogynists).
Posted by AFinch on December 28, 2011 at 6:19 AM · Report this
27
"Cuddling...with the 'straight' guy who five minutes ago was 'degrading' you for being a 'worthless faggot'—and then getting dressed and going out to grab some fro-yo and chat about Glee..."

Hilarious. That's what keeps me coming back.

BOMBAST's letter reeks of power exchange. Maybe that's her kink. And perhaps it's just confirmation bias, but the formal, compliant style in which the letter is written makes it seem he's not entirely against the idea. I mean, why else would someone put up with that shit?
Posted by repete on December 28, 2011 at 7:34 AM · Report this
28
Ooh! Ooh! OOOHHH!!!

This is the first time I can recall being really gladdened by the reappearance of a previous letter:

We match NAIF with AGAY. NAIF is the right age and AGAY likely has the spiel down pat. If there's enough attraction between them, each is just the right type to suit - AND we can look forward to more letters from the two in future. A win all round.
Posted by vennominon on December 28, 2011 at 8:07 AM · Report this
29
BOMBAST's gf is pushin' him out the door without (maybe) realizing that she actually is.. Nothing is more of a drag than any S.O. who needlessly cramps the other's style and space. If she's not fucking him more than once a week, then who is she to be getting bent 'cos he whacked his tallywhacker in her absence? It could be worse: he could be out fucking the barmaid down at the local tavern or something.

The gf oughtta give herself a reality check: recognize her dour behavior, stop eating so damn much that she's roly-poly in the gunt and can't be bothered to get her bf's pennis (yes, pennis! ;-D) wet in the name of a good roll in the sack.

Or...;)

Who's to say the gf isn't messing around on BOMBAST behind his back? People who hide things tend to project their secrets onto others as accusations. Maybe she met a guy online who likes 'em big with rolls of flabber flaps, and her overeating after 9:30pm is her bid to maintain that gunt while pushing her out-of-her-league bf (BOMBAST) out the door.

She ain't all that, by what you describe, BOMBAST. I'd jerk off in front of her just to freak her the fuck out, as a goof! ;-D lol

Chicks like that are the reason why mean cheat, and why Viagra is for men stuck in horridly-boring marriages with wives who share the same brushcuts and gaucho, khaki shorts as their husbands or boyfriends. They can even change the sparkplugs on the lawn mower as good as their husbands and boyfriends.

BOMBAST's woman better wise up, and fast, before she loses him altogether. I'd say cut yer losses now, BOMBAST. You should be fucking once a day, minimum. Not once a week.

Hand her a box of frozen pizza snacks and send her on her way; presumably back to her parent's house upstairs in her bedroom where she has a webcam for chubby-chasers who like to count the flaps of flabber bouncing up and down as they tug their lil' members from the privacy of their own homes. Or something ;-D LOL.

Moral of the story? BOMBAST's girlfriend is all wrong for him. Cut her loose, BOMBAST. She sounds like too much work for too little payback. Set her free to go to her real love's house to strip and jiggle her flabber-flaps LOL.
More...
Posted by BOMBAST Needs A New Woman on December 28, 2011 at 8:31 AM · Report this
MasMadness 30
Pretty ho-hum on all the ask and answer, but I'd like to nominate BOMBAST for the SL Acronym Hall of Fame.
Posted by MasMadness on December 28, 2011 at 8:33 AM · Report this
31
@ 4, 5 & 6: I echo your sentiments. It's just unreasonable behavior from BOMBAST's gf's end. They either need to hash it out for real, and get to the bottom of what's actually going on, or they need to part ways. Life's too short to be shackled to a hopelessly-unhappy relationship.
Posted by BOMBAST Needs A New Woman/I TG;-D lol on December 28, 2011 at 8:43 AM · Report this
32
@ 7: Saliva never lasts long enough lol. Believe it or not, I tend to like hair conditioner as lube for jacking off. Easy to wash off, it smells nice and it exfoliates your skin most lovely lol. Buy a bottle of Suave conditioner sometime. It's cheap, it's effective and does the job ;) .
Posted by I TG;-) on December 28, 2011 at 8:46 AM · Report this
33
@ 8, 13, 16 & 18: Like you were all implying, I think there is some kind of feelings dynamic between the two fuck-buddies.

I just don't get the poly/non-monogamous thing. But then, that's just me and my own particular inclinations. I sometimes wish I was more dismissive and don't-really-give-a-shit about having multiple sex partners because I could.

Love finds you: you never find it. By my own experience, love has been hotter to me than the notion of fucking a parking lot of people in an afternoon in a meth-fueled gang bang lol.

If either one of you is not on the same page about what the rules are, as far as your negotiating who else you sleep with outside of your fuck-buddy environs.

It will never work if one tends to veer toward monogamy, and the other is licking their chops about getting into three other stranger's pants by sundown, or sun-up lol.

If yer gonna keep fucking, use protection. Who wants to croak from getting some good ass? Not me, no sir-ee fucking way, man! lol ;-D

Cheers & Happy New Year Now One & All+~+
Posted by TG;-D, twisted as can be;) on December 28, 2011 at 8:54 AM · Report this
34
BOMBAST's girlfriend doesn't sound like a person with a naturally low libido. She sounds like a morning person.
Posted by boringmarriedperson on December 28, 2011 at 9:01 AM · Report this
35
Why "going out to grab some fro-yo and chat about Glee?" Can they not go out for dim sum and chat about the possibility of life on other planets, or is refusing to conform to a stereotype too "heteronormative?" There are plenty of gay men out there who think Glee, Lady Gaga, and all that stuff is a load of horse hockey.
Posted by Fredric Wertham on December 28, 2011 at 9:15 AM · Report this
36
NAIF's fetish for straight-guy dom play isn't that unusual. I have that fetish myself! It takes the right person, the right chemistry and a whole lot of trust and connectedness to pull it off the way Dan describes it. There are people for everyone out there; you just have to wait for it, or them, to find you, rather than the other way around.

As John Lennon sings during "Beautiful Boy": Life's what happens to you while you're busy making plans.

I abide by that, actually.

;)
Posted by It Is I, TG;-D on December 28, 2011 at 9:19 AM · Report this
37
BOMBAST's situation has some other issues that nobody seems to be questioning (excellent comment BTW @biggie / #20).

1.) Maybe there's some subtle kink that they're sharing; he gets extra joy while jacking while he's "not supposed to" and she is probably getting off on the discovery.

2.) If a simple DTMFA is the solution, then nothing will change. BOMBAST will find another woman who is just as manipulative, and the wench will find another manipulable guy. Some self-reflection is very much needed on his part, as well as hers but having known women like this, her ego will probably prevent it.

DTMFA by all means, but learn from it or you're wasting your time.
Posted by Thinkerer on December 28, 2011 at 9:28 AM · Report this
38
@27

People put up with a lot. I know that I'd probably be OK with that situation, which is sex one time a week more than what I'm experiencing.

Having said that, it IS unreasonable what BOMBAST's girlfriend is asking for. I kind of agree with Dan's DTMFA assessment, but a real option is to quash those feelings of guilt, and carry on. Just stomp em down.
Posted by Xeson on December 28, 2011 at 9:41 AM · Report this
39
Hey, I speak from experience. I've been almost 20 years with my GF and endure a life of NO SEX. She hates it and says normal sex serves no purpose outside of reproduction. We're both "fixed" therefore there's no reason to fuck each other. So finally I told her that she has no right to force monogamy on me and she won't. It's my body and I do with it as I choose. She made her choice long ago to separate herself from our sex life, so now it's MY sex life.

I do enjoy our life together, so I stick with her. I get tired of having to jerk of and it's a waste of time, so I save a little from each paycheck and spend time with a couple of lovely call girls I know when I really need to get laid. I don't want or need another relationship and I choose to stay with my GF, but can see a time when it will be time to leave.

So, BOMBAST, you'll know when it's time to go or stay, that decision is yours and yours alone. And don't fret about having to masturbate for the time being. Just know you have options in life.
Posted by ironvic on December 28, 2011 at 9:49 AM · Report this
sissoucat 40
@CCC It may be romance - or it may be the start of deep shit.

I second #8 and #16 : be careful. Abusors tend to rush things along, to get to a monogamous relationship, where they can control you ; it doesn't mean they love you in any way - even when they threaten reprisal (to never fuck you again is one, if you two started out as fuck-buddies). Old friends can very well become abusors, once the relationship progresses. I'd be freaked out by his words as well - they mirror the start of my own abusive marriage. I was not much into the guy but I did believe it was love on his part. So I went along because I was willing to give his love a try.

Besides, since communication is key in a LTR, it's a pretty bad sign for enduring romance if he's already bad at communicating with you at this early stage...

Of course you could have found the odd decent guy unable to express himself, but with a heart of gold. To make up your mind, you can check red flags lists at http://drirene.com/redflag.htm and http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/m… (they don't pay me).

But even if he has no abusive tendencies, you should ask yourself whether you want an open relationship or a closed one - and then, stay truthful to yourself.
Posted by sissoucat on December 28, 2011 at 10:03 AM · Report this
41
@5: great idea, but how about this: wait til she IS asleep, then come on her face. What a goodbye kiss.
Posted by raskolnikov on December 28, 2011 at 10:21 AM · Report this
nocutename 42
@28 (Mr. Ven): I get so confused. Who is AGAY and what was his problem?
Posted by nocutename on December 28, 2011 at 10:22 AM · Report this
sissoucat 43
I had the "monogamous or not" discussion with my current partner - at the beginning. I told him I didn't want be limited by monogamy, since I was just out of 10+ years of monogamous abuse.

His answer : he understood my point. He was going to be monogamous, since he had no desire for any other woman than me ; he agreed that we should tell one another if we had, indeed, been non-monogamous since last meeting ; he just hoped that whenever I fucked someone else, that I would find the other to be a worse lay, and that he would laugh at me for the time lost being bored in bed with the other.

I liked his answer, and we're still monogamishly together.
Posted by sissoucat on December 28, 2011 at 10:23 AM · Report this
44
@ 20: That was great, what you said. I agree fully. Thanks for that!
Posted by Tim E.G. on December 28, 2011 at 10:24 AM · Report this
45
C'mon babe! I'm here of my own volition at one of your playgrounds of choice! Never say I don't try ;) lol...

+~+
Posted by Electric Ave.: Too Much For Eddy Grant;-)+~+ on December 28, 2011 at 10:29 AM · Report this
46
For a second I thought BOMBAST's GF might have been me (until I got the part with the interrogation & the hand sniffing. Woah). My husband and I recently had a similar revelation; it's not that I have zero libido, it's just at at its lowest in the evenings when I'm tired and would rather be sleepy & snuggly. I definitely wanted to have sex more often, but when it's been a busy week and evenings are the only free time we had together, it just didn't pan out. He's kinda vanilla so he was working on the assumption that bedtime = sex time, but for me the mornings & afternoons were much better! So perhaps BOMBAST's habit of regular Saturday morning sexytime with the GF might be a clue. Barring the cray-cray masturbation interrogation aspect, maybe it's just that she is more ready for sex during daylight hours, and therefore gets irrationally jealous that he's masturbating that time away without her.
Posted by Oxymephorous on December 28, 2011 at 10:50 AM · Report this
47
BOMBAST - I regularly jerk it with a dry hand. No problems. Although, my wife encourages masturbation to "make ends meet".
Posted by DanielBoy on December 28, 2011 at 10:51 AM · Report this
48
love is messy, isn't it? Bombast's wife is human and their relationship is real. Bombast, do not kick her to the curb without exercising all the compassion you have. Give it the effort that love demands. I find this blood-thirsty condemnation by haters to be myopic. Who here isn't in some way neurotic or otherwise incapable of loving their s.o. perfectly?
Posted by textthatappearsbelow on December 28, 2011 at 10:56 AM · Report this
49
BOMBAST - I regularly jerk it with a dry hand. No problems. But, my wife encourages masturbation to "make ends meet".
Posted by HappilyMarriedGuy on December 28, 2011 at 10:57 AM · Report this
50
Read and absorb, baby.
I'm playful, but right now I'm not playing.
Rgds, as billb would say.
Posted by Tim, Motherf@cker on December 28, 2011 at 11:21 AM · Report this
51
tsk, tsk Dan, you of all people missed the possibility that the GF is turned on by the thought of him getting horny and getting off.

If you like the girl, 1. ask her if she wants to watch you, and 2. try and have sex earlier in the day. Maybe she's a morning person! The Italians screw at midday and think we're nuts for pushing it to when everyone's tired and stuffed from dinner.
Posted by GG1000 on December 28, 2011 at 12:04 PM · Report this
52
Thank you for pointing out that sandals with socks make for an inferior people. I need to get that word out to the guys in the city I live in!
Posted by maxiF on December 28, 2011 at 12:07 PM · Report this
53
Re: BOMBAST. The real problem here is that this couple is not being open about when and how they want to have sex. Her wanting to sniff out when he masturbates can be read as controlling and abusive OR kinky OR a powderkeg of resentment over weeks/months/years of missed signals.

Let's not rush to crucify the girlfriend - seems to me that they may both be at fault.

It is very unclear from his letter WHY the girlfriend wants to know if he masturbates. It is not clear that he knows that she finds it abhorrent. Seems like he assumes she asks because she hates to think that he is masturbating. What if she is actually super turned on by it but afraid to admit it?

Why does everyone assume she has a lower sex drive than he does? Because of cultural messages about gender roles, women often have a hard time initiating sex. She may send out feelers and subtle signals that she feels are obvious but that he is totally missing.
She says she is turned on, but then is "too full" after dinner to have sex... maybe she is sending out signals that she would like him to initiate sex *before* dinner. When he doesn't initiate sex with her when she is interested and he then goes and masturbates, she may feel rejected. If she's a non-initiator and he's also a non-initator it just leads to a lot of passive aggressive bullshit and resentment.

Regardless of all of the other stuff, it also also sounds like she's just not into evening sex and maybe is just stressed out on weekdays. This guy needs to ask her what would help her relax to the point where she would really feel like having sex on a weekday. Maybe she wants a massage or help with housework so she can unwind.
Posted by nameisaname on December 28, 2011 at 12:14 PM · Report this
54
@21 Ashley Amber: Ah! That's right! I think I even remember Dan's saying that in a column of many moons ago. Thanks for refreshing my memory.
Posted by auntie grizelda on December 28, 2011 at 12:21 PM · Report this
55
I could be wrong, but CCC's guy just strikes me as young and lacking in experience in communicating about relationships. All the same, she should proceed with caution, in case he turns out to be a controlling jerk.
Posted by TheRecklessRoute on December 28, 2011 at 1:14 PM · Report this
56
@ 29. When did BOMBAST say his girl was fat? The closest thing I could find was saying she was too full after dinner. That happens to people of all sizes. Did you ever eat a good meal and not want to move? Can you imagine all that food sloshing around during sex? It would drive me nuts and I have a high libido. Sex is like swimming. You should wait 1 hour after eating to avoid cramps.
Posted by KateRose on December 28, 2011 at 1:27 PM · Report this
57
@ 56: "she was too full after dinner" = fat. Kind of like how some people say "let's do lunch!", and they're blowing you off.

My point is, fat or not, the gf's not visibly well-mated with her bf. Figure it out now and decide what to do from there on out.

She could boink her husband before dinner, so she's not farting, burping, passing out and getting otherwise quite unlady-like while digesting that filet mignon.
Posted by (deep sigh...) on December 28, 2011 at 1:45 PM · Report this
58
I agree with #20 - BOMBAST has some serious boundary issues he needs to resolve. Once those are resolved, here's an idea: Get a slow cooker. Put dinner in the slow cooker to cook. While dinner is cooking, go fuck.

And for CCC: No matter how much you like him or how much you enjoy the sex, a dude with a 'leotarded communication style' is not a dude you want to start a relationship with.
Posted by R.Taylor on December 28, 2011 at 1:59 PM · Report this
GhostDog 59
...wait, what? Once a week is considered a low libido?!? I'm not kidding here. Really?

In my last relationship I was considered an oversexed degenerate freak for being absolutely thrilled with sex twice a week(but being totally fine with once a week).

..hate.
Posted by GhostDog on December 28, 2011 at 2:41 PM · Report this
TheMisanthrope 60
I wonder if BOMBAST's wife gets off on the idea of him masturbating. Or if she's really making sure he doesn't. If the former, it can lead to more hot things (videos, pics, reminders of j/o sessions left open, D/s scenarios, etc). If the latter...run away!

CCC has obvious communication skills of her own. Why didn't the conversation of monogamy open into a further redefining of the relationship? Communication is a two-way street honey.

Are there pics of NAIF? Can we see? Those fantasies can be fun.
Posted by TheMisanthrope on December 28, 2011 at 3:10 PM · Report this
RubyMadden 61
Dear Browbeating Okay, Meat Beating Another Story Totally: Either she doesn't like sex, doesn't like sex with you or she has never come.

Ever tried introducing a vibe toy in your Sat morning romp? Ask her if she would like to watch you masturbate? Or maybe you can ask her to masturbate in front of you? Maybe dare her to read/view something sexually riske and exciting, no judgment attached?

If all that fails and she really is the controlling prude she seems, time to move on and live life a bit, with regular sex in it. RM

p.s. if it was totally not ok for me to indirectly answer your Q to the Master (DanSavage), my sincere apologies!!!
Posted by RubyMadden http://rubymadden.blogspot.com/ on December 28, 2011 at 3:14 PM · Report this
62
I really don't get the response to BOMBAST. I regularly ask my husband how much he's masturbated in my absence. (It lets me know how hard I'll have to work to get him to cum again.;) I don't think that's abusive or sex negative in the least, but then again, my husband isn't a fucking liar.

I don't get why someone with a partner telling them they want to have sex is waiting until their partner goes to sleep so they can masturbate instead of jumping them stat.
Posted by blahblahblahblahblah on December 28, 2011 at 3:27 PM · Report this
Noadi 63
@59 I wouldn't call once a week a low libido either, especially not if one or both partners has a stressful tiring job. I'd say it's well in the average range. However she does have a lower libido than her boyfriend and wants to enforce it on him. That I think is where it crosses a line, your own hand isn't cheating.

Posted by Noadi http://noadi.net on December 28, 2011 at 3:43 PM · Report this
64
@62: Yeah, I sometimes ask my partner if he masturbated, because I think it's sexy. But if he says he didn't, I don't accuse him of lying and then demand to sniff his hands for lube. It sounds more like BOMBAST's girlfriend is trying to police his sexuality than asking sexy questions.

From what I infer, BOMBAST's girlfriend is saying she wants sex, but then turning him down when he tries to initiate because she feels too tired or sluggish from dinner. Which, hey, may be an actual legit thing for her. But the solution isn't to keep tabs on her boyfriend's wanking schedule, the solution is to find ways to work more sex into their lives by adjusting their daily schedules - maybe they start going to bed an hour earlier, so they can wake up earlier and have some morning sex. Or they find recipes which allow time for sex while dinner is cooking. Or maybe they readjust their definition of sex to include handjobs and oral.
Posted by R.Taylor on December 28, 2011 at 4:01 PM · Report this
65
Almost made me cry- you are the best Dan! Rock on forever!
Posted by Jahful on December 28, 2011 at 4:11 PM · Report this
66
Bombast,

Just too many missing details for our fervid imaginations. The lube thing gets my sniffer going. Is lube an understood thing about male beat-offs? How did she get aware of this? Did you tell her? You make a big deal of cleaning up after yourself. Why? Just don't get Dan started on his death-grip masturbation riff. Do your hands reek of your favorite lotion?

The Professor is right, once a week for a (presumably) young relationship is weak. But maybe it's your fault, not hers. Maybe you're not a good fuck. Why aren't you poking her weekday mornings?
Posted by Hunter78 on December 28, 2011 at 4:48 PM · Report this
67
Ms Cute - AGAY wrote in after NAIF - he's 58, went through unsuccessful straightening therapy in his twenties, has been an extreme sports competitor for many years, is only attracted to twentysomethings, doesn't want sex without mutual attraction, and can't force himself to be attracted to men closer to his own age.

AGAY and NAIF seemed at least potentially likely to fit right into each other's strengths.
Posted by vennominon on December 28, 2011 at 5:26 PM · Report this
68
@#66

Some type of lubrication makes things better. It's just a matter of preference of whether the rigorous cleaning up afterwards is worth it.

And man,

It's not just you, but a significant number of others as well.

Why so harsh? It seems like instead of wanting people to deal with problems and issues, the answer is to just discard them.

Granted, that's probably not the case. You want them to work out an understanding, or at least a compromise. But, it's stuff like that, that makes me blow my gasket.

It'd be easier if people with issues, (and especially people with destructive and bad issues), took themselves out of the game, but it's not a particularily easy thing.

Posted by Xeson on December 28, 2011 at 5:50 PM · Report this
69
Bombast, perhaps she's smelling your hands to see if you've been with another woman.
Posted by JewBoy on December 28, 2011 at 6:15 PM · Report this
GhostDog 70
@63

Thank you. I was almost incandescent with anger(perhaps I even turned silver with rage for a second)there for a minute.

****

In regards to BOMBAST.

First, awesome acronym. Good job.

Second, and this is going to be hard. You need to call her out. If she wants to go for the hand sniff you should ask her why. If she says you masturbating is hot, then show her how you do it and let the awesome sex times roll(pro tip, have condoms handy!, or perhaps consider asking her to be all sexy while you masturbate and tell her how hot and awesome she is after you've worked it out). If she thinks it's gross, then ask her how, exactly, she recommends you get your sexual ya-yas out if she only has sex with you once a week(and be prepared for some sex negative bullshit).
Posted by GhostDog on December 28, 2011 at 6:33 PM · Report this
71
@68

Why aren't you poking her weekday mornings?

And why only Saturday mornings? What's wrong with Sunday?
Posted by bostonbooty on December 28, 2011 at 7:18 PM · Report this
72
Re: BOMBAST. I don't think the situation is that complicated, at least going by the info as presented by BOMBAST. The girlfriend seems to be a selfish control freak with a low libido and thinks her boyfriend should only want sex when she wants it. She doesn't seem to understand the meaning of the word "compromise" nor does she respect his right to pleasure himself, in the alternative. She seems too immature to realize that regardless how infrequent or infrequent they are having sex together, that he has a right (as does she) to masturbate whenever he likes. I don't understand why she would feel threatened by that. Sounds cliched, but we each have a right to that personal self-love whether we are in or out of a relationship with another person. The kind of behaviour exhibited by her makes me wonder if she respects or even loves him.
Posted by Canuck Girl on December 28, 2011 at 7:20 PM · Report this
mydriasis 73
@29

Wow. Did your mommy let you on the internet unsupervised? You went right for the PG-13 material, didn't you? That's okay. We won't tell.

@59

Depends on who you ask. I think it's on the low side.
Posted by mydriasis on December 28, 2011 at 7:21 PM · Report this
mtnlion 74
@66, I think you make a good point towards the end: "maybe you're not a good fuck."

Has BOMBAST had an open, sincere conversation about what will get gf off regularly? If she doesn't come during sex, she's not going to be motivated to initiate sex very often. Granted, she should speak up if she's unsatisfied, but sometimes people need a gentle push. Opening up about how we want to be fucked can be a bit of a challenge. It makes us very vulnerable and involves a lot of trust. Have a legit convo about this (start with "what can I do differently to excite you in bed?"), follow through with her requests, and maybe more sex will ensue.

But before you do any of that, stop letting her smell your hands! I think you'll know if you should try to work on this relationship based on how she responds to you saying "no, I'm not okay with that; it makes me feel like I've done something wrong and I haven't." Unless it's some sort of "clandestine self-pleasure makes me wet" thing (which she should *really* tell you about because you're feeling super guilty for nothing!), that shit is bad bad bad for you. What happens when you say yes, btw? However, it says "she *has* demanded to smell my hands" which makes me think it was a one time thing, not that it's any less crazy... you still deserve to not feel like shit for rubbing 'em out.

That's the trouble with the columns in the Stranger. They leave it to us filthy Sloggers to fill in the blanks.
Posted by mtnlion on December 28, 2011 at 10:19 PM · Report this
mtnlion 75
p.s. I know they live together and you'd think she'd have talked about what turns her crank a long time ago, but that's not always the case. People are together for years and years sometimes before they achieve mind blowing sex. Also, it's always fun to talk about what we want to try out in bed, yeah?
Posted by mtnlion on December 28, 2011 at 10:23 PM · Report this
76
@23: Quibble accepted. I fully agree that there is no general right to control whether your partner is allowed to masturbate, let alone as some sort of function of how often you service him/her.

I wouldn't say they are completely unrelated concepts, however. It isn't that a good-faith effort on her part would give her the right to issue a prohibition. However, the conspicuous absence of good-faith effort on her part does give him reasonable ammunition to tell her to sit down and shut up because she is being a hypocrite. If she can't be bothered to pay enough attention to his needs to meet them, then she bloody well can't be bothered to pay enough attention to thwart them either.

One proposition being true does not necessarily require that its symmetric opposite be true.

It's also reasonable for him to tell her that if she does not like him masturbating, then he may (or may not) be willing to engage in a suitable substitute when offered, -- but if once a week was anywhere near an acceptable rate for him, this conversation would not have happened in the first place.

Posted by avast2006 on December 28, 2011 at 11:10 PM · Report this
77
Um I don't think that sounds like "romance" found her. I think it sounds like monogamy by default did. Ew. The "we're having sex and going on dates and kind of like each other so let's act like married folks" thing. Yuck. It's about as far from romance as one can get. Ew.

This is why I made it extremely clear when I was dating before Mister came along that I refused to be monogamous with anyone for at least one year so we could actually have a relationship and not move into mono default. Ew. Gives me willies just thinking of it.
Posted by wendykh on December 28, 2011 at 11:11 PM · Report this
78
and I wonder if BOMBAST's gf would do better on a paleo diet? No really. Too tired and full after dinner says someone is eating inappropriately, probably lots of large gluten based (pasta) meals. Vegetarian chicks are famous for this crap. :-/ Dated way too many in my time.
Posted by wendykh on December 28, 2011 at 11:17 PM · Report this
79
@73 mydriasis: Trolls are everywhere, aren't they?
Apparently, they must be like gremlins. Feed 'em and they go berzerk!

Posted by auntie grizelda on December 29, 2011 at 12:37 AM · Report this
80
@73 mydriasis: Trolls are everywhere, aren't they?
Apparently, they must be like gremlins. Feed 'em and they go berzerk!
Posted by auntie grizelda on December 29, 2011 at 12:38 AM · Report this
81
Ahh, shit! Sorry again for the double post!
Posted by auntie grizelda on December 29, 2011 at 12:39 AM · Report this
82
re BOMBAST: I'm amazed at all the responses that seem to imply that he is masturbating because he is not having sex more often. I masturbate every day regardless of whether or not I have had sex, usually in the afternoon at my lowest energy time.
Oh, and I'm a woman. My husband when we first got together 15 years ago did sort of take my need to masturbate personally but we had to just have a talk about it. Obviously, her need to control the issue is a problem that needs to be resolved.

BOMBAST and his girlfriend seem young to me. I'm tired at night and my sex drive is greater than my husbands. Sometimes you have to figure out how to work sex in at other times in the day.

Also, I am bothered by some of the misogyny of the comments.
Posted by lovemartinis on December 29, 2011 at 4:42 AM · Report this
83
re BOMBAST: I'm amazed at all the responses that seem to imply that he is masturbating because he is not having sex more often. I masturbate every day regardless of whether or not I have had sex, usually in the afternoon at my lowest energy time.
Oh, and I'm a woman. My husband when we first got together 15 years ago did sort of take my need to masturbate personally but we had to just have a talk about it. Obviously, her need to control the issue is a problem that needs to be resolved but BOMBAST and his girlfriend seem young to me. I'm tired at night and my sex drive is greater than my husbands. Sometimes you have to figure out how to work sex in at other times in the day.

Also, I am bothered by some of the misogyny of the comments.
Posted by lovemartinis on December 29, 2011 at 4:47 AM · Report this
84
my advice to BOMBAST would be to wait until one of those hand sniffing week nights she falls asleep in front of the TV then DTMFA... all over her face...
Posted by stormcrow on December 29, 2011 at 6:13 AM · Report this
85
I have to disagree with Dan about CCC. He said ''You two may not have been seeking romance, CCC, but it looks like romance found you.'' It is entirely possible that the guy still wants NSA and expects to 'move on' when he finds someone worthy of a relationship. My first clue? He hasn't asked her to commit to him in any way other than no fucking someone else while you fuck me. This girl could confuse this with I have feelings for you or jealousy. Maybe he just wants to know she's only fucking him till he finds someone he wants to commit to?
Posted by PsyQuestor on December 29, 2011 at 6:51 AM · Report this
86
I agree with the comments suggesting that BOMBAST and his gf should be communicating more about when they each like sex and whether her interest in his masturbation is because it turns her on, or she feels deprived, or something else entirely.
Posted by EricaP on December 29, 2011 at 6:54 AM · Report this
87
I'm just like the girl in BOMBAST. And I get mad when my boyfriend masturbates during the day then complains how we only have sex on the weekends for a while. I commute over one hour each way to work and school, so basically I leave at 7am and get back at 8pm. When I get home, the first thing my boyfriend says is what's for dinner. After dinner and a little TV it's around 10:30, I need to be up in less than 8 hours, my job is super stressful and I get ready for bed. Then as I lay down also with a full stomach, he'll initiate. I love my man and he's super sexy, but it sucks because I know the longer I stay up with naked time, the more tired I will be the next day and I dont feel sexy just after eating.

I've noticed, on days when he doesnt masturbate, he's less questioning about dinner and more likely to make a move earlier in the night. I understand that I should be making an effort to make the moves, but it's difficult to remember on a daily basis. So she's probably in exactly the same situation as me but just doesnt know how to vocalize that she'd like the change and she probably doesnt want to take the responsibility to initiate earlier in the evening. Maybe just a quickie before dinner instead of jerking in the afternoon once or twice a week would save thier relationship. And he can make that change.
Posted by lapinette on December 29, 2011 at 7:16 AM · Report this
88
@ 73 Yourdryvagina, and @ 80 Auntie Gristle, like those nasty, chewy bits on a badly-overcooked hamburger:

You are too stupid to even wonder. I like how you wanna take these discussions in here as something serious, and thought-provoking, but meanwhile you're both (one and the same) idiots. Overly-analyzed, frivolous BULLSHIT MUCH LIKE YOU.

Whatever. Fuck off.
Posted by The Door Is Closed Behind You. on December 29, 2011 at 8:26 AM · Report this
89
@87 Thanks for showing the other side of the situation. A lot of people were really quick to dismiss the reasons she may have. (Though, no matter how good her reasons for not initiating sex/turning down sex regularly, the hand sniffing think icks me out as anything outside of a situation where it turns her on).

I wonder too, if it's not so much that your bf is initiating late and after dinner, but that he's expects you to work all day, come home and cook, then have sex with him. I'm sure that can be a libido killer too. I know I have a decently higher sex drive than my bf (though he's catching up!)but if I feel like he hasn't been paying me attention other than in bed, I'm not feeling super sexy and/or generous if he tries to get his.
Posted by KateRose on December 29, 2011 at 8:43 AM · Report this
90
I think next time BOMBAST's gf asks to sniff his hands, he should just confess to being a bad boy who jerked off earlier that day, and demand to be spanked in punishment. See what happens?

The hand-sniffing thing really only makes sense to me that way. But I am also dismayed by the many predictable, bullshit reactions to that letter, assuming that the problem boils down to the woman not putting out enough.
Posted by Suzy on December 29, 2011 at 11:21 AM · Report this
91
For CCC-- "When I asked him how he'd feel about my dating another guy ..."

Is this an abstract, non-existent, haven't met him yet other guy, or a real, attractive, he asked me out other guy? It could make a difference.
Posted by Crinoline on December 29, 2011 at 11:58 AM · Report this
92
"I understand that I should be making an effort to make the moves, but it's difficult to remember on a daily basis."

Translation: you get mad at him for not remembering to initiate SOON ENOUGH, when you can't manage to remember to initiate AT ALL.

"she'd like the change and she probably doesnt want to take the responsibility to initiate earlier in the evening.

In other words, you get mad at him for not figuring out to do what you yourself have realized but won't do.

"Maybe just a quickie before dinner instead of jerking in the afternoon once or twice a week would save thier relationship."

Great idea. Why don't you give it a try? I have seen no evidence so far that he would actually turn you down for a before-dinner quickie on a day where he had masturbated in the afternoon.

"And he can make that change.

So could you, but you choose not to, and get mad at him instead.
Posted by avast2006 on December 29, 2011 at 12:21 PM · Report this
93
@90: Fun suggestion, but at this point there is so much miscommunication already going on, that they need to back away from the games and have an honest, serious, no-tricks conversation, where they both lay all their cards on the table.
Posted by avast2006 on December 29, 2011 at 12:37 PM · Report this
94
@89: I agree that those may well be factors for both #87 and for BOMBAST's girlfriend. (was going to mention them above, but that post was already getting too long.) However, if you are upset that you are too tired from working all day, coming home and cooking, and then starting sex way too late, the way to address that is not to demand that your boyfriend stop masturbating! The answer is to tell your boyfriend to start taking over dinner duty, or jump his bones when you walk in the door before you are too full.

You aren't going to get your own needs met by demanding that the other person stop meeting theirs.
Posted by avast2006 on December 29, 2011 at 12:51 PM · Report this
95
@90: That's what I was getting at in #27. A grown (hu)man who willingly submits to hand smelling inspection has been a very naughty boy.
Posted by repete on December 29, 2011 at 1:53 PM · Report this
96
Another comment for CCC: "My assumption was that the relationship was "open."

Wait, wait...you assumed that? Meaning you didn't explicitly say exactly that up front? Saying you are "not seeking a serious romance" is not synonymous with "we are strictly just fuck-buddies and I intend this to be an open relationship." Saying "not serious" can be just a way of saying "I'm not a stalker looking to slap a ring on your hand asap."

Sounds to me like the two of you have spent the last three months under different unspoken expectations of what "not seeking a serious romance" means. Just about the time that he started falling for you and getting ready for the relationship to progress, you started making noises that sound like you are ready to find a replacement for him.

Probably the reason he said he would "never sleep with you again" is that he is at that point where exclusivity has kicked in for him, (for all we know he could have felt that way the whole three months) and your sleeping with others would feel like you are cheating on him.

Before you condemn his leotarded communication style, you might want to check in with yourself to confirm whether you truly did due diligence yourself.
Posted by avast2006 on December 29, 2011 at 2:17 PM · Report this
97
@88: Yawn. Please refer to mydriasis's comment to @29 from @73.
Posted by auntie grizelda on December 29, 2011 at 3:59 PM · Report this
98
I love watching gay porn. I enjoy watch porn of all kind.

I dont know why, but i enjoy the thoughts of being degraded as well, i feel very shameful about it though.

I am really disappointed nobody commented on NAIF's delimma.

Its far more interesting than the uptight girlfriend's problem with masturbation.

Anyways, thanks for the maschoistic gay links.
Posted by arewethereyet on December 29, 2011 at 4:05 PM · Report this
99
@95 repete regarding your post @27: I didn't see it that way, originally, but that makes sense. It seems like BOMBAST (I agree: he should win something for the excellent anagram!) has a major trust issue with his current GF.
Posted by auntie grizelda on December 29, 2011 at 4:05 PM · Report this
mydriasis 100
@92

For some women, initiating takes some of the fun out of it. Personally I like my gender roles old-school - that's what gets me off.

Posted by mydriasis on December 29, 2011 at 7:49 PM · Report this
101
@100: If you get mad at your partner for not doing what you yourself refuse to do, you're a hypocrite.

That's not so say that you can't find yourself an accommodation that is perfectly acceptable to both parties. There are plenty of men who like their gender roles old-school too. Just don't do it the way that #87 seems to be going about it.
Posted by avast2006 on December 29, 2011 at 10:13 PM · Report this
102
@99 and others: The problem as I see it is that maybe she is into the "You've been a very naughty boy" scene...but he pretty obviously isn't. Apparently he hasn't even figured out that she is into that. (If in fact she is, which she very possibly isn't.) Taking his words such as "resent" and "guilt-trip" at face value, I would have to assume that he doesn't appreciate being made into a naughty boy, even if that is her kink and she's just trying to play.

Unless he actually is into it, and is dissembling to us about resenting it as a way to to enhance their little humiliation drama? Why keep it in the bedroom between the two of you when you can tell the whole world?
Posted by avast2006 on December 29, 2011 at 10:32 PM · Report this
103
Little daniel savage is unhappy because Rick Santorum doesn't like homosexuals, awww. He pouts, then throws a tantrum and creates a website doing what???...Name calling of course because that is what the extreme left does, that is all they can do. Little meaningless danny savage is just another freak who is very unhappy and unfulfilled deep down inside, in reality, he is a very sad little person. Pathetic little danny savage will never find true happiness...he may find a true penis up his ass, but he will forever remain a broken, sad little freak.
Posted by Big Dan on December 29, 2011 at 10:39 PM · Report this
104
@87 lapinette,

Just a suggestion: On weekends can you(all) set up the makings for the coming week's meals? I doubt I'm alone in being male and liking/being able to cook, but if your SO isn't there, why not try simple "heat at 350 at 5:00" type meals? Personally I find the cooking together experience excellent bonding time, and pre-kids we would stand a fair chance of ending up in bed while our creation(s) were cooking. To put it in different terms, having fun together makes a transition into sex very easy, and cooking has the added benefit of being useful and freeing up time down the line.

Being overwhelmed by time constraints is bad enough, job stress just makes life hellish. I hope you can negotiate the SO into understanding less stress and time constraints for you makes life better for him too.

BOMBAST should consider morning sex as the "undiscovered country", and immediately explore as far as possible.

Peace.
Posted by Married in MA on December 30, 2011 at 6:23 AM · Report this
105
@94 "You aren't going to get your own needs met by demanding that the other person stop meeting theirs. "

Totally agree. While it doesn't justify anything, I do understand where it can sometimes be hard to voice what you want. My own personal downfall is in trying to let things go the first time or two they happen and not start a fight over something that might be a one time thing. By the time I'm actually upset over it, it's got precedent and I feel ridiculous saying, "I know it seemed like I didn't mind, but I do."

Not saying I'm right to be that way, it's definitely my problem, not the other person's, but I think it's actually a fairly common reason for keeping your mouth shut (at least among people I know). It's definitely an issue that BOTH people need to work on.
Posted by KateRose on December 30, 2011 at 7:24 AM · Report this
106
@ 97: Auntie Grizzlysnatch: You're a true bore, and lamer than lame. At least you're in the right place for your lameness.
Posted by It's The End, Man. on December 30, 2011 at 8:58 AM · Report this
107
@ 103: You're the real HOMO in here, "Big Dan". More like small, small Bob.. Thanks for breaking my heart with the impossible situation that is you. I will never bend on being with a closet-case. It's too much heartbreak for too little return, for you return nothing. Not much gets out through the cracks of that shut closet door, so stay in there and fester in misery. I won't be closeted, and it's time for me to go. Happy New Year, you prick!
Posted by (deep sigh...) The End, Indeed. on December 30, 2011 at 9:05 AM · Report this
mydriasis 108
@101

Sigh. I don't get mad, I just don't date those types because guys too shy to initiate sex are unattractive to me. So I wouldn't be in her situation, and I'm not.

But I don't think it's "hypocritical" to want a relationship where two different people with two different genders (and/or personality types, as the case may be) have different expectations/roles/etc. It's not for everyone, and I think there are some parts of a relationship that should be equal and even, but I don't think all parts of a relatioship need to be.

Posted by mydriasis on December 30, 2011 at 9:30 AM · Report this
109
@102: We have no choice but to take the guy at his word. He mentions resentment and guilt-trip, so we have to assume he's not cool with the situation. However, and maybe I'm just being insensitive here, but why would anyone put up with something so controlling and petty unless he enjoyed giving his g/f that level of control? To do so unwillingly is about as stupid as that woman who thought her b/f ejaculated a mushroom. This isn't a snooping g/f or someone who throws fits about porn where he plays a passive role. We're talking about a guy who plays an active role--submitting to a hand smelling inspection. This sounds more kinky than controlling.

Imagine the scenario: Girlfriend says, "I think you've been jerking off. I demand to smell your hands." What sane person wouldn't say, "What? You want to smell my *hands*? Go fuck yourself." Now, a very naughty boy might respond differently...
Posted by repete on December 30, 2011 at 9:43 AM · Report this
110
@105 That's a helpful insight. I also fall into that trap -- esp. because I'm sexually submissive, and only just now in my 40s figuring out how to identify what I want (or don't want) and how to get (or avoid) it.

For me, the first step is to own my feelings, in my head. If I can identify what is bugging me, I'm better able to speak up for myself, regardless of whether I let it go in the past: "I'm not talking about last time; I'm talking about what I want now."

In bed and out of bed, I'm getting better at stopping to breathe & name to myself what I want, and then going for it (with words or actions). Doesn't mean I get everything I want. But when I'm more clear and specific (both in my head, and to other people) that always helps me get more of what I want. Which is nice :-)
Posted by EricaP on December 30, 2011 at 9:55 AM · Report this
111
@ You: I'm sorry, but I am not happy with you anymore. You and I are at totally different places of comfort in our lives. It's a chasm that cannot be bridged, until you learn over time to reach out honestly. I wish that for you more than anything... Thank you.
Posted by It's Tim To Go on December 30, 2011 at 10:13 AM · Report this
112
@ 110: That's very true, EricaP. I hope people spread the word and walk it while they write it. That'd be nice..
Posted by 2 Go on December 30, 2011 at 10:19 AM · Report this
113
Dan. With the upcoming Iowa Primaries in about a week, I've been hearing a lot of "Santorum Surging" and "Santorum on fire" comments. I couldn't help but think about you, and what a "Flaming Santorum" might end up being. Then my brain starts to come up with ideas and I have to stop that immediately.
Posted by Calarius on December 30, 2011 at 11:47 AM · Report this
114
@109 I have been in BOMBAST's shoes, and it sucks.

I was ashamed of myself, worried that I was unlovable. To top it off the girl I was married to was very pretty - dream girl pretty. So I was so afraid of losing her - maybe even directly afraid of her - that I would put up with most anything. (She was pretty and very unapproachable)

Then, after some years in the marriage, I couldn't take it anymore, but too afraid to leave. So I mentally checked out and wound up in the basement every night masturbating to porn for years.

A sad sad existence, we are in the process of getting divorced now, after 25 years. I say, BOMBAST, have an honest talk with the woman. Lay all the cards out. Then, if that doesn't work, RUN.
Posted by Lost A Lot of Time on December 30, 2011 at 12:07 PM · Report this
115
@109 I have been in BOMBAST's shoes, and it sucks.

I was ashamed of myself, worried that I was unlovable. To top it off the girl I was married to was very pretty - dream girl pretty. So I was so afraid of losing her - maybe even directly afraid of her - that I would put up with most anything. (She was pretty and very unapproachable)

Then, after some years in the marriage, I couldn't take it anymore, but too afraid to leave. So I mentally checked out and wound up in the basement every night masturbating to porn for years.

A sad sad existence, we are in the process of getting divorced now, after 25 years. I say, BOMBAST, have an honest talk with the woman. Lay all the cards out. Then, if that doesn't work, RUN.
Posted by Lost A Lot of Time on December 30, 2011 at 12:08 PM · Report this
116
@108: I didn't say you got mad. I wasn't talking about you specifically at all. (Sorry, should have said "If [one] gets mad at [one's] partner...")

And I agree that relationships don't have to be perfectly symmetrical in terms of needs fullfilled by each party. They don't have to match, though they should be complementary.

But #87 specifically said she was mad that he wasn't making changes that she was perfectly capable of making herself. (And if it's just so damn hard, as she says a couple of times, then she needs to cut him the same slack she cuts herself.) She apparently would rather be mad at him than see the problem solved.

Nor is she even communicating that she would like those changes to take place. She just gets mad at him for taking care of his own needs -- in the conspicuous absence of her taking care of them either -- in an information vacuum. She seems to think that the problem would solve itself if he were only kept in a state of heightened sexual hunger, whereupon he would just naturally do things the way she likes. That's not a relationship, that's passive-aggressive, manipulative, string-pulling batshittery. He's a boyfriend, not a marionette.

Like every preschool teacher in the whole country says: "Use your words." Ask for what you want. Don't try and manipulate the situation by exerting pressure on things that are at best peripherally related.
Posted by avast2006 on December 30, 2011 at 12:23 PM · Report this
117
@ 115: It didn't work for me, and now I'm walking, not running.

I used to run, but now I don't.

I gave everything I had to someone, and they couldn't reciprocate a fraction of what I freely and lovingly offered. It becomes all too sad that you have no choice but to go of your own volition.

One of those times it rips your heart apart to know that it will never work out, for it never really has. One person cannot pull the weight of two. That happened to me: I did everything, and received nothing back.

Finally, even loving this person wasn't enough. Nothing I did, good or bad, would appeal them into positive, healthy action. It will be something that will sadden me to think about for many, many years to come.

It would also be something that would sadden me more if I opted to remain in such a hopeless relationship.

I loved you, but you cannot love me the ways I need.. It's a sad, sad, sad day... It is.
Posted by Tim Lost, And So Did You. on December 30, 2011 at 12:26 PM · Report this
118
@109 I was in a similar situation to BOMBAST's, and it sucks.

I was ashamed of myself, worried that I was unlovable. To top it off the girl I was married to was very pretty - dream girl pretty. So I was so afraid of losing her - maybe even directly afraid of her - that I would put up with most anything. (She was pretty and very unapproachable)

Then, after some years in the marriage, I couldn't take it anymore, but too afraid to leave. So I mentally checked out and wound up in the basement every night masturbating to porn for years.

A sad sad existence, we are in the process of getting divorced now, after 25 years. I say, BOMBAST, have an honest talk with the woman. Lay all the cards out. Then, if that doesn't work, RUN.
Posted by Lost Time on December 30, 2011 at 1:39 PM · Report this
119
Avast,

Sometimes less is more.
Posted by Hunter78 on December 30, 2011 at 2:34 PM · Report this
120
@102 avast2006 and @109 repete: Agreed. You both make some good points regarding BOMBAST's situation.
Posted by auntie grizelda on December 30, 2011 at 2:54 PM · Report this
121
@106: See @119.
Posted by auntie grizelda on December 30, 2011 at 2:59 PM · Report this
122
Republicans: "We couldn't find a decent Christian, so we nominated a Mormon."

Posted by Hunter78 on December 30, 2011 at 6:21 PM · Report this
123
Thanks once again for the "santorum" neologism. With Santorum's "surge" in Iowa it gave me a religious vision brought on by relentless laughter. I saw the face of Jesus in a roll of Bounty paper towels.
Posted by santorum's little helper on December 30, 2011 at 6:39 PM · Report this
124
The 'smell my hands' has been bothering me since Tuesday. I have 4 different types of lube on the nightstand, not one of them is scented. If I can manage to buy an assortment of unscented lube without even trying, how is it that BOMBAST hasn't thought of it?

He shouldn't have to submit to the sniff test, that goes without saying. But clearly he has chosen to do so thus far. Note that he's not asking if the olfactory interrogation is normal or acceptable. He wants to be told that it's OK to masturbate in the absence of a reasonably accomodating sex partner. The answer to that is fuck yes. And it's OK to masturbate in the presence of a reasonably accomodating sex partner as well.
Posted by catballou on December 30, 2011 at 7:50 PM · Report this
mydriasis 125
@116

I understand what you're saying but I didn't infer all that from her post. It's all in the eye of the beholder I guess.
Posted by mydriasis on December 30, 2011 at 9:06 PM · Report this
126
@116,

I would argue, given the total context of #87, that if anyone is being treated as a marionette, it would be the LW. She has a stressful job, school, and commute, and then she gets home to make dinner and have sex. If you put yourself in her frame of reference, she has the competing demands of being told to get dinner on the table, and initiating a more comfortable sex period before dinner. Sure she could use her words, and in my opinion they should be that her partner should have dinner ready when she gets home (then the option of a light snack, sex, and the follow up of a relaxed meal?).

Peace.
Posted by Married in MA on December 31, 2011 at 6:06 AM · Report this
127
Hah! Smell the glove!

I recently penned a tune about a dog-loving ex. The punch line was, "You don't need a dog, you need a crying towel."

So yeah, I'm thinking about the puppies. LOL!
Posted by Brrrrzap! on December 31, 2011 at 11:43 AM · Report this
128
@126: Totally agreed that the boyfriend is being an ass, if he gets home before she does, but waits for her to get home so she can cook.

Also totally agreed on what her words should be. He should be the one to have dinner on the table when she arrives -- just on general principles, since he gets home first, but especially on nights where he wants something more to happen that evening. (If not actually on the table, then in the oven so that the cooking can happen at the same time as the bedroom activities.)

Sorry I didn't address his shortcomings earlier, but I talk too much as it it.
Posted by avast2006 on December 31, 2011 at 11:59 AM · Report this
129
@128, for what it's worth, I enjoy your posts.
Posted by EricaP on December 31, 2011 at 12:23 PM · Report this
130
@109

It's pretty simple, he puts up with it because he doesn't want to provoke anything. Maybe, if he does tell her he'd like her to accomodate him a little, it'll be over. She'll leave him, or he'll have to leave her. Hopefully, they can work it out.

If THAT's the big problem, then I personally would gladly put up with that situation. And, I wouldn't like it.
Posted by Xeson on December 31, 2011 at 4:09 PM · Report this
131
CCC!!!!
Sorry, Dan, I usually agree with you, but I don't think there is enough information here. Your friend didn't say that his feelings for you are the root of his not wanting you to see other people. It could just be that he doesn't like 'sharing.' If he has feelings for you and you have feelings for him, go for it. But if he doesn't have feelings for you and just wants to keep you for himself, don't waste your time!
Posted by bananafish on January 1, 2012 at 5:03 AM · Report this
132
Porn is good. It makes us all better sexual performers. We're all porn stars now.

Posted by Hunter78 on January 1, 2012 at 7:10 AM · Report this
133
CCC: Language matters and you sound fairly young (at least to me). There appears to have been miscommunication, an understatement to say the least, between you and your FB (your term). You "assumed" you had an open relationship with an "old" friend. Not wanting a serious relationship does not necessarily mean an open relationship. Frequency of sex does impact how some one may view a relationship, particularly if it was increasing.

You say you asked him how he would feel if you dated someone else or did you ask him how he would feel if you fucked someone else. Given his reaction I would appear that you either asked the latter question or he interpreted your question that way (even if you didn't mean it that way).

Was your question part of a broader conversation on your relationship or did it essentially come out of the blue? If the latter, your friend may have felt confused, hurt, and blind sided by you, thus his defensiveness and over reaction.

All of this is speculation on my part since I don't know you or your friend and you really didn't provide a lot information. I have no clue what really happened. The classic movie Rashomon shows the subjectivity of perception of the same event. Miscommunication is not uncommon, particularly with younger people.
Posted by beentheredonethatgotthetshirt on January 1, 2012 at 12:41 PM · Report this
muzyqman 134
I just read #21's explanation of where the word "leotarded" came from. While I understand that many were offended by the word, "retarded," did anyone (i.e. Dan) consider that late-July/early August folks (Leo's) might be offended by his replacement term?

I do want to say, though, that this is the first thing in many years of reading this column with which I take issue. Keep up the great work, Dan.
Posted by muzyqman on January 1, 2012 at 1:07 PM · Report this
sissoucat 135
@87 lapinette : such a lovely name !

And the boyfriend is an ass.

In fact, are you French like me ? Because your boyfriend sounds to me like the typical French male. He wants his woman to work, to cook for both ("huh, me cook ? huh, you do it so much better, love"), and then of course he wants to have sex with his little pretty doll of a girlfriend all ready for him in bed !

I guess you're doing most of the tidying up as well. And most of the chores. Be happy you don't have kids yet, because for each second of help he'll give you then, he'll brag to his family that "he does his part", and he'll demand you to be more than grateful and thankful about what little symbolic help he'll indeed give you - more than he's ever been about all what you're doing for him now.

And how grateful has he ever been to you, for you making dinner to him every night, though you work longer hours ? Yeah, my point.

He's happy to use his free time to masturbate instead of using it to do any of the chores (can he do both at the same time ? that would be hot !), and then it's only too late at night that he's horny, when you'd like to sleep it off.

DTMFA. Men exist who don't take women for granted, even in France. Men exist who'll do half of the cooking and half of the chores and won't make a big deal about it. Men exist who'll do most of the chores and most of the cooking, so that you'll be all fine and relaxed from your long work day, after a nice meal, and quite ready for steaming sex.

Lapinette, you don't have to settle for the average lazy male (yeah, I know, lazy and male often go hand in hand, in the privacy of one's home - I'm talking of my home country here, no offense meant to others). You're worth much more.
More...
Posted by sissoucat on January 1, 2012 at 8:43 PM · Report this
136
@134: Yeah. That new term took me a bit by surprise, too.
Posted by auntie grizelda on January 1, 2012 at 10:12 PM · Report this
137
Yo, Dan, thanks for constantly spurting plain commonsense truth! Somebody clone this guy and let me into a room full of naked and partially dressed ones...
Happy New Year, Bro!
Posted by Your69Buddy on January 2, 2012 at 12:54 AM · Report this
138
Yo, Dan, thanks for constantly spurting plain commonsense truth! Somebody clone this guy and let me into a room full of naked and partially dressed ones...
Happy New Year, Bro!
Posted by Your69Buddy on January 2, 2012 at 1:15 AM · Report this
139
All I can say regarding the first question as well as its response is: What a fucking world we live in, eh?
Posted by SC21 on January 2, 2012 at 3:27 AM · Report this
140
If you can only manage sex once a week, and justify it by having a "stressful job", stop working for Babylon, it's a soul eater that we would be better of without anyways...
Posted by Devy on January 2, 2012 at 11:26 AM · Report this
141
On this Bombast thing - I'm AMAZED that everyone still, even here, automatically jumps to "she has a lower libido than him, and must be a crazy bitch for being upset about his masturbating."

The handsniffing, yes... wacky.

But beyond that, it sounds like he is leaving out, or oblivious to, his roll in their sex life!

He even says "She often says she wants to have sex, but come 9:30 p.m., she's ready to get in bed and watch TV until she falls asleep."

He doesn't say: WHAT does he do or say to try and have sex with her?
Is he just presuming by her body language, or is he trying and getting rejected?

Maybe she's super passive. Sure sounds like he is.

Maybe she's getting in bed hoping he'll join her, shut the TV and jump her. Or maybe she's getting in bed depressed that there was no romance, yet again, and depressed thinking he'd rather jerk in the bathroom than seduce her when she gets home?

If she's truly too tired or too full, has he tried to have lighter dinners, or work her up as an appetizer?

Is he actually not doing anything to increase the mood after work, to lead up the them having sex?

BOMBAST, Maybe try unleashing your horniness on her every few days.

Then she won't think (or care) if you've been masturbating, if she's getting enough of your sexual outlet to not think it's going elsewhere.

Seems to me she'd only care if she's feeling undesired or neglected.

And sounds to me like Bombast is a passive guy, blaming girl. And she's passive too, and they have some shitty communication.
Posted by giddy on January 2, 2012 at 1:51 PM · Report this
142
Gays Suck! :-)
Posted by cguy on January 2, 2012 at 4:21 PM · Report this
143
NAIF -- I'm a strong feminist, as well as a very happy and contented sub/slave. It's OK to compartmentalize. Rape fantasies are awesome. Actual rape would be horrific. When my Master says, "On your knees, whore, and suck my cock like the little slut you are," it turns me on. If someone else said that -- someone who doesn't love and respect and adore me like my Master does -- it would be awful. Can we explain this to most other people? No, not in my experience. Is it totally fine? Yep, absolutely.
Posted by SubRose on January 2, 2012 at 9:34 PM · Report this
144
"Santorum surging in Iowa". Thank you Dan.
Posted by Dom in Oz on January 3, 2012 at 12:52 AM · Report this
145
I'm late to the party here, but I'd like to weigh in on BOMBAST'S situation, too.

I can't help thinking what a horrible mother this woman would be like with her children, if she carries this masturbation phobia over to them.

Consider this as you're planning your future with her.
Posted by Brooklyn Reader on January 3, 2012 at 6:10 AM · Report this
146
@ 130: Setting yourself up to be rejected by assuming it will happen, and that the other person will leave..

It's the attitude that needs to be retweaked. Sometimes people shrink away from confrontation. It's a part of life. It can resolve long-festering dilemmas, by taking the time to get things out in the open, no matter how difficult and uncomfortable it may or may not be..

If people don't find a way to speak up and have their true selves be heard, then what can ever be accomplished?

If people want something bad enough, no matter what it is, they'll find a way to make it happen.

Where it all begins in things like that happening is believing and having enough confidence to get the ball rolling yourself, because you want something more than you fear it.

@ 114 & 117 and for @ 119, as well:

Sometimes less isn't more: sometimes less is just less...and anything more than that is more.

Especially is someone, no matter how attractive and/or unapproachable they may seem to you..

If such a person has long been enamored of you and you're still feeling unsure or undeserving of the attention, despite glaring evidence over time that this supposedly-unattainable person is wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy into you to the point of genuine passion...

It's always tough when two people's communication styles are so markedly different.

It'd be easier to contend with if that magical element of love didn't figure in so much..

It may not be easy, and it may not be always that comfortable, but if it matters enough to either person to keep trying to work it out, then please keep trying to work it out.

Sitting on what you feel and think can turn on you at some point. Let it out! Let it go: take a chance! Have a great day and Happy New Year.
More...
Posted by thank god it's the 3rd.. on January 3, 2012 at 8:19 AM · Report this
147
Desire trumps fear, if you want something bad enough. Peace.

Posted by Calm & Sense on January 3, 2012 at 9:17 AM · Report this
148
(Nevermind. It IS my fault for not having my own life. That I will cop to. All I know is, is that I need to develop my own life more, and stop trying so hard to hang everything on you..

That, my enthusiasm that somehow still silences you; the overall, ongoing trouble..

I am at fault, too. I am working on that myself.
{shrugs} Later.)
Posted by that's right, I wrote it on January 3, 2012 at 10:57 AM · Report this
149
@ You, again: What is is what is, and this isn't working right now. When has it? It is sad. Smile, grin, laugh at me from afar for trying once more; it's what you do. Well, whatever. Fuck it. Good luck to you, too. \/m
Posted by more rope. yeah, good move. on January 3, 2012 at 11:00 AM · Report this
150
_______________________________________________
Posted by nothing more to say right now on January 3, 2012 at 11:02 AM · Report this
151
Thanks for your participation.
Posted by Irony, if there ever was any. on January 3, 2012 at 11:12 AM · Report this
152
@146-151 - Wishing you peace in the new year. One day at a time; one minute at a time if that's more doable...
Posted by EricaP on January 3, 2012 at 12:24 PM · Report this
153
@ 152: EricaP: Thank You :-) . Minutes at a time happen to be more my speed, since you eeked it out of me lol.

Thanks again. Happy New Year Peace to you too.

:-)
Posted by @ 146 - 151 :-) on January 3, 2012 at 12:35 PM · Report this
154
BOMBAST: Maybe she doesn't want you to hide your masturbation, for some personal reason she is not revealing. If you've never tried handling yourself in front of her, you might want to do that and see how she reacts.
Posted by marilynsue on January 3, 2012 at 1:11 PM · Report this
155
You have a point: she may get off on the fact that you do, and that, to her, it's forbidden..

I can't think of anything more flattering than someone wanting to masturbate before me, to me..

That's THE Ultimate Compliment of Your Hotness!

Watching someone succumb helplessly to self-manipulated physical passion...

Whether or not BOMBAST masturbates in front of his wife or off on his own in his own bathroom in the house, she should be counting her blessings that he takes care of his additional physical needs that way. That's a good man who can see the forest for the trees and stick it out..

I think it's cool, and rather hot actually. Makes you wanna help out from carrying the burden of doing it all on your lonesome ;) ...
Posted by all this talk of masturbation is getting me hot on January 3, 2012 at 1:36 PM · Report this
156
BOMBAST, whether you stay with this broad or not, you do not have to put up with this crap. As Dan said, dump the bitch already!
Posted by Mitch on January 3, 2012 at 1:44 PM · Report this
157
@ 156: I tend to agree. She doesn't sound like much fun, does she? There's someone for everyone out there. I hope you find a better match for yourself out there, BOMBAST. You sound like a prize, actually.
Posted by still hot from all of this talk about masturbation on January 3, 2012 at 1:56 PM · Report this
158
When I began reading BOMBAST's letter, it sounded like it could have come from my boyfriend. Then it got to the masterbating guilt/hand-smelling and I couldn't even finish it. That's not in the least bit normal and either she has to understand you masturbate or just ignore it. However, the whole full/tired/not interested in sex then thing is not her fault either. So I highly recommend you have a discussion about what you can do for her to facilitate mid-week sex (cleaning, making dinner, preparing appetizers and eating dinner later). Or, have her magically get over her masturbation hang ups. Or like Dan says, looks like this relationship is unhealthy and you should get out.

@87 I totally feel your pain, especially with the lack of masturbation leading to a hornier boyfriend later. I agree with other commenters that you should have a discussion with him about things he can do to help with "foreplay," as I'd like to consider anything that helps lead into sex. My guy cooking or doing dishes is so foreplay... Maybe framing it that way might help him see the disconnect in what gets you in the mood versus his libido's ties to masturbation.
Posted by Nerd Girl on January 3, 2012 at 10:26 PM · Report this
159
@ 158: I like your name, Nerd Girl. It's sweet for some reason. I bet you're actually a real looker, but are just modest.

I'm with you totally about what constitutes foreplay.. Any time interracting with my babe feels like (and is ;) ) foreplay to me.

When you click with someone that strongly, it tends to last a long, long, longggggggggg *wonderful* time.

Happy New Year, 1 & All!

:-)

+~+
Posted by Dork Boy :-) on January 4, 2012 at 12:02 PM · Report this
160
Dan's "Could a people who routinely wear sandals with socks be the master race? No, they could not." is brilliant; had me laughing out loud. Thanks Dan, for another week worth of insight, laughs and common sense.
Posted by MidwestFan on January 6, 2012 at 12:00 AM · Report this
161
Good answer for BOMBAST, Dan. And by the way, who doesn't have sex because they are "too full"? Maybe she should eat less dinner.
Posted by alpinetrail on January 7, 2012 at 8:40 AM · Report this
MarkyMark 162
#3 should arrange to be accidentally "caught" beating off to porn by his GF; then tell her "so what? - deal with it!"
Posted by MarkyMark on January 10, 2012 at 12:12 AM · Report this
163
bombast, i prefer to jack on said girlfriend on her face or tits, while shes sleeping, or while she watches, fuck hiding masterbation, either she gets into it with me or she gets spiderwebbed
Posted by theusualnutjob on January 12, 2012 at 2:26 PM · Report this
164
#14 - Back to trolling, eh? You have so much hatred for women it is astonishing. Get some help because whatever you've had in your past isn't a reason to abuse others and from the tone of your post, somewhere, there is a woman putting up with your shit. No woman deserves to be spoken to like what you've written. Grow up, kid.
Posted by Frederica Bimble on January 14, 2012 at 11:36 AM · Report this
165
Letter 1 - Boo hoo, some people are gay and some people hate gay people, deal with it!
Letter 2 - no such thing as a 'fuck buddy.' It's called a 'relationship' so stop fooling yourself.
Letter 3. I didn't get the 'controlling' aspect that so many people are getting to with the 3rd letter. I'd say she is most likely playing around with him but he's, surprise, surprise, another non-communicative dude who'd rather moan to an advice column instead of talking to his partner. She doesn't sound like she deserves all the abuse directed at her but the boyfriend certainly sounds whiney. In fact, the letter sounds like Dan has been the unsuspecting participant in their role playing!
Posted by Frederica Bimble on January 14, 2012 at 11:43 AM · Report this
166
"She asks me on a daily basis if I've masturbated in her absence. If I say no, she accuses me of lying. She has demanded to smell my hands to see if she can smell lube on them."

It sounds like _she_ has a chastity/orgasm-denial fetish. Maybe you should ask her and see if she wants to make this a sexy game instead of just bossing you around. Then again if you're not into submissive stuff you're better off without each other. Plenty of sub guys would eat this stuff up.
Posted by jojozigzig on February 6, 2012 at 9:54 AM · Report this

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