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Bad Attitude
March 5, 2009
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Joe Newton
I have lived with my boyfriend for almost two years. He says he loves me and does a lot of loving things for me. We are both in our early 60s, but we have the sexual energy of 20-year-olds. Here's the problem: I am overweight (size 18). I was overweight when he met me. I now know that he hates fat women. You should hear his disgust when he sees them on TV or on the street. He has begun to tease me and make jokes about my weight. This hurts my feelings, and I have told him so. He says I'm too sensitive. What is your advice to me?
Fat And Teased
Before I answer your question, FAT, I'm going to take a little stroll down Suppressed Memory Lane: I once had a "bisexual" boyfriend. (I place bisexual in quotes, Angry Bisexual Community, only because this guy wasn't bisexual. That doesn't mean other guys aren't bisexual.) My "bisexual" boyfriend liked to claim that he really wasn't that into men until I came along—I was the magical exception, the one guy who did it for him—but even then, he told people loudly at parties, he was mostly turned on by how into him I was, he wasn't that into me or my junk. (He could barely stand to look at my cock—which is why he stuffed it in his mouth or ass whenever we got naked.)
And you know what, FAT? He made disparaging comments constantly about gay men he saw on the street or on TV—gay men like the one he was with—and put me down constantly for having a much more serious case of the gay than he did. He was going to marry a woman one day, a woman with lady parts, and have a family; I was going to remain hopelessly gay all my life. He was, of course, gayer than a college wrestling team and eventually came out as gay—much to the consternation of all his friends who believed him when he said that he wasn't really that into men. (By which I mean to say, much to the consternation of absolutely no one.)
Anyway, your current boyfriend (early 60s, straight, asshole) reminded me of my old boyfriend (20, gay, asshole). A man who claims to have fallen in love with someone who he's not attracted to, or someone who disgusts him, expressly so he can belittle that person and make that person feel awful, well, that man is a complete asshole, FAT, and my first impulse is to advise you DTMFA just like I did my asshole boyfriend. But...
You say he's good to you otherwise, does loads for you, and fucks you regularly—so before you dump this motherfucker, FAT, let's consider reforming him. Say he's totally into you and into big women, just like my ex was totally into cock. But, like my ex, he's uncomfortable with his sexuality and worries about what other people think—including you, FAT, as paradoxical as that may sound. So he makes asshole comments in an effort to hide his true feelings—possibility fetishistic feelings—for big women. The asshole comments allow him to pretend that he's not into your body, just hopelessly in love with you, the person you are on the inside—which makes him one of the "good guys," i.e., a guy who isn't so shallow as to let a little thing like your weight come between you.
While I had to dump my "bisexual" boyfriend, FAT, a little shock-and-awe therapy might convince your "fatphobic" boyfriend to knock it off. You shouldn't have to put up with his comments, FAT, whether they're motivated by shame for his attraction to big fat asses or, if my theory is incorrect, by a genuine hatred for fat people. Either way, FAT, you've got to tell him—in no uncertain terms—to knock it the fuck off already. Don't be measured, don't wrap it up in "I" statements, no mewling about your feelings. Give him both barrels: "If you don't knock it the fuck off—the asshole comments, the stupid jokes—I'm going to kick your ass out, got it?" A strategic blowup or two should occur—scream, yell, smash a few things you're not all that attached to—when he slips up. Repeat until his attitude changes or his address does.
When I first met my fiancé two years ago, he was training for a marathon and had the body of a Greek god. But he seems to be losing all interest in his appearance. The other day he sent me a photo of himself (I am finishing college in another state) that made me yelp in shock because he'd gained so much weight. I don't want to dump him—the man I love is encased in that mound somewhere—but it's gotten to the point where I'm glad I'm in a long-distance relationship because it means I don't have to sleep with him. How can I communicate this in a subtle way so as not to hurt him?
The Biggest Gainer
Well, aren't you a shallow piece of shit. I mean, do you love this man for who he is or how he looks? What about the person he is on the inside?
Just kidding, TBG, I'm totally on your side. While we all eventually arrive at old and ugly—"ugly" is an entirely subjective judgment, of course, and for some of us, "body of a Greek god" counts as "ugly"—you're under no obligation to marry a man who's in a hurry to get there. Tell him that committing to you means committing to maintaining his body out of consideration for the pleasure you're expected to provide to it/take from it.
Thanks for your advice to Missing Kisses, where you explained that sometimes men can be turned on by a desire to do some post-orgasm activity but lose that desire once we've ejaculated. I have this problem with one fantasy.
For years, while fucking my wife, I've told her about how badly I want to come all over her nipples and then lick it off. She's keen on the idea and presents herself to be licked clean after I come. However, I've never been able to follow through. It's not a matter of some latent gay panic; I'm simply not turned on anymore at that point and have no desire. Is there a way around this? I'd like to complete the act at least once, if only to surprise her.
Loses Interest Quickly
There is a way around it, LIQ, but your wife will have to lead the way. So stop reading, LIQ, because the rest of this answer is for the wife's eyes only. Mrs. LIQ: You're going to have to make him do it. You're going to have to force him to follow through on all that lick-my-come-off-your-tits dirty talk. The next time he tells you he's going to lick his come off your tits, tell him that you're holding him to it: He either does it or no more pussy for him until he does. And don't make an idle threat: If he doesn't do it, don't let him fuck you again until he does. He'll do it grudgingly, and he'll hate it while he's doing it. But once he's horny again, he'll be so turned on by the thought of what you "forced" him to do that he'll totally "bring it," as the kids were only too recently saying, and fuck the living shit out of you. You're welcome.
4
Oh, and most guys are just done after they cum. I always try to get whatever guy I'm sleeping with to cum before me, otherwise I'll cum and just lose interest and won't want to finish him off.
Sex is hard sometimes!
Sex is hard sometimes!
8
If most guys turn off after sex (god, how boring), then all the more reason to make sure the hetero ones get their partners to cum first, without exception. Or to explore tantric sex.
9
hmmmm... it is interesting that what seems so hot before you cum is not hot at all in the afterglow. I have a weird question... my boyfriend is the quietest cummer on the planet. It's news to me... and kind of a let down. He's not totally quiet, he talks dirty to me, is very sexy, but it's more like letting the air out of a balloon than a climax. any one else dealing with this?
10
I was at an LGBT conference this weekend that discussed how prevalent prejudice against bisexuals is, even among LGBT's. Thanks for the reminder, Dan: 'I place bisexual in quotes, Angry Bisexual Community, only because this guy wasn't bisexual.' It's almost like "Angry Lesbians", another group folks like to pick on. Kick the Dog syndrome?
http://www.robynochs.com/writing/essays/…
http://www.thetaskforce.org/reports_and_…
http://www.robynochs.com/writing/essays/…
http://www.thetaskforce.org/reports_and_…
11
Dan, many weeks ago you called a person retarded. You would not accept "gay" as a negative adjective. Perhaps you've made an apology or explanation. Help us out here. I've tried to ask you in many ways.
12
people keep reporting my comment for deletion. Why?
Weeks ago Dan wrote that a stupid person was "retarded". What if Obama called a stupid person "gay"?
I've sent Dan personal email and never got any response. Don't delete the question fellow readers, what do you think? Double standard or just no thesaurus?
Weeks ago Dan wrote that a stupid person was "retarded". What if Obama called a stupid person "gay"?
I've sent Dan personal email and never got any response. Don't delete the question fellow readers, what do you think? Double standard or just no thesaurus?
13
CC, did you try talking to him about it? Let him know that you like it when you makes noise. Ask him to be loud, that's worked for me.
14
Kickass advice to FAT. Damned insightful; even if that's not the particular issue her boyfriend has, it's probably out there a hell of a lot.
Regarding partners getting fat...I have to say, if a little weight is enough to turn you off to someone, I tend to think what you had was probably not all that strong or lasting to begin with.
Regarding partners getting fat...I have to say, if a little weight is enough to turn you off to someone, I tend to think what you had was probably not all that strong or lasting to begin with.
15
as a member of the Angry Bisexual Community (c), i take no offense.
btw, i have a gayer than hell male friend who recently has started fooling around w girls after a break up with The Love of His Life (c). is this a normal process of rebound? getting stoned and letting straight girls suck you off?
btw, i have a gayer than hell male friend who recently has started fooling around w girls after a break up with The Love of His Life (c). is this a normal process of rebound? getting stoned and letting straight girls suck you off?
16
powertrash, I think it depends on whether the stoning is an integral part of the process. Being sober and letting straight girls suck you off might mean something else entirely. And being sober and RETURNING the favor... that's just plain bisexual!
17
..hm, i've seen this with some lesbians (!!), maybe hes exploring his own bisexuality, or going totally queer? if he always liked women (and never was a women hating ass) you shouldn't worry about your friends behavior or the heterosexual girls (who are most likely veryvery excited about having sex with a gay boy).
18
I don't think he answered TBG's question. It wasn't "should I/shouldn't I?" it was "HOW can I do this gently?"
19
Dan, Fat and Teased needs to dump his goofy ass right now. He may be loving in other areas, but he's not loving enough. Dump him and let someone else reform him. Fat and Teased owes him nothing and she owes herself much more than what she's getting. I'd rather be alone than to be with someone who can't deal with me being (fill in the blank--fat, black, gay, an amputee, etc.).
20
Oh my god, Only Angry @ Stereotypes... chillax! Dan just said that to make fun of the actually angry bisexuals who won't catch his drift and start emailing angry rants his way.
Like you.
Like you.
21
norseman, posting the same query over and over on a forum Dan doesn't read is just going to piss off your fellow commenters. If you haven't gotten an answer from Dan Savage about this, let it go already!
Yes, what Dan wrote was insensitive, but if you're expecting him to be sensitive to everyone's concerns, you've got a long wait ahead of you.
Find a more constructive way to fight this particular fight, like pushing for legislation that will empower developmentally disabled people.
The rest of us come here to discuss other topics. If you don't like being ignored, go start a "Dan Savage Is Ignorant" blog, and see how many likeminded people you can find. I suspect most of Dan's regular commentators don't share your concern.
Yes, what Dan wrote was insensitive, but if you're expecting him to be sensitive to everyone's concerns, you've got a long wait ahead of you.
Find a more constructive way to fight this particular fight, like pushing for legislation that will empower developmentally disabled people.
The rest of us come here to discuss other topics. If you don't like being ignored, go start a "Dan Savage Is Ignorant" blog, and see how many likeminded people you can find. I suspect most of Dan's regular commentators don't share your concern.
23
"I don't think he answered TBG's question. It wasn't 'should I/shouldn't I?' it was 'HOW can I do this gently?'"
There IS no way to gently tell someone (s)he needs to clean up his/her act. When you do that, you ARE going to hurt his/her feelings. It's a matter of saying what you want to say clearly, so the person won't feel manipulated, listening compassionately as (s)he reacts to what you've said, and being ready to follow through on what you've said you're going to do if the person doesn't make a change within a reasonable amount of time, instead of letting the matter hang over your relationship like a dangling sword.
There IS no way to gently tell someone (s)he needs to clean up his/her act. When you do that, you ARE going to hurt his/her feelings. It's a matter of saying what you want to say clearly, so the person won't feel manipulated, listening compassionately as (s)he reacts to what you've said, and being ready to follow through on what you've said you're going to do if the person doesn't make a change within a reasonable amount of time, instead of letting the matter hang over your relationship like a dangling sword.
24
"I don't think he answered TBG's question. It wasn't 'should I/shouldn't I?' it was 'HOW can I do this gently?'"
There IS no way to gently tell someone (s)he needs to clean up his/her act. When you do that, you ARE going to hurt his/her feelings. It's a matter of saying what you want to say clearly, so the person won't feel manipulated, listening compassionately as (s)he reacts to what you've said, and being ready to follow through on what you've said you're going to do if the person doesn't make a change within a reasonable amount of time, instead of letting the matter hang over your relationship like a dangling sword.
There IS no way to gently tell someone (s)he needs to clean up his/her act. When you do that, you ARE going to hurt his/her feelings. It's a matter of saying what you want to say clearly, so the person won't feel manipulated, listening compassionately as (s)he reacts to what you've said, and being ready to follow through on what you've said you're going to do if the person doesn't make a change within a reasonable amount of time, instead of letting the matter hang over your relationship like a dangling sword.
27
yeah Robyn!!!! Glad to see you read this column, though I'm not surprised!!! And thanks for representing us! I'm finally come out publicly as being bi and knowing that I have a politic, makes me feel so much safer!!! And thanks Dan you're an inspiration, sexually, politically, and career wise thanks amigo!!!
28
'my boyfriend is the quietest cummer on the planet. It's news to me... and kind of a let down. He's not totally quiet, he talks dirty to me, is very sexy, but it's more like letting the air out of a balloon than a climax. any one else dealing with this?'
This sounds a bit like the flipside of the porn stereotype coin. American college campuses are teeming with a generation of straight dudes who expect women to look and act a certain way during sex – shrieking, flailing, hair tossing, the digging in of manicured nails, and the inevitable 'I'm cumming! I'm cumming!' (which, while it may happen, is not what any women I know do – risks breaking concentration. And sounds like it's out of a porn, duh.)
So anyway, you may be disappointed 'cause you've been led – by other partners or by porn – to expect fireworks. If it's because you find it genuinely arousing, okay. Try to get him to talk dirty more, maybe say, 'Oh I love hearing you cum.' But if it's just because of skewed expectations, and he's vocal and dirty in other ways, I'd say just accept a grunt and a hand squeeze.
This sounds a bit like the flipside of the porn stereotype coin. American college campuses are teeming with a generation of straight dudes who expect women to look and act a certain way during sex – shrieking, flailing, hair tossing, the digging in of manicured nails, and the inevitable 'I'm cumming! I'm cumming!' (which, while it may happen, is not what any women I know do – risks breaking concentration. And sounds like it's out of a porn, duh.)
So anyway, you may be disappointed 'cause you've been led – by other partners or by porn – to expect fireworks. If it's because you find it genuinely arousing, okay. Try to get him to talk dirty more, maybe say, 'Oh I love hearing you cum.' But if it's just because of skewed expectations, and he's vocal and dirty in other ways, I'd say just accept a grunt and a hand squeeze.
29
oh BTW, I don' think "Only Angry @Stereotypes" was chastising Dan rather than supporting his use of italics, As any exploration is human sexuality put us in "catagories", (am I bi, Gay, hetero-flexible, straight or what if I have a bit of sexual exploration)and it's okay if we don't always have the same one, I like to quote my brilliant sister... "I love whom I love and I fuck whom I fuck, unless you want some why do you care!"
30
Huh. Not bad advice to Liq et al. However I wonder about the guys in the comments that just "turn off" after orgasim. I mean, my husband usually cums before me since I like that, then goes down on me with full force. Or sometimes not, but still, he gets the job done and doesn't seem to mind doing it.
33
However I wonder about the guys in the comments that just "turn off" after orgasim.
Yeah, I don't get that either.
Sure, there are probably a few moments there when I am incapacitated and enjoying the sensations, but I've always thought it was fun to keep fooling around. I just have to adjust my strategy for a few minutes.
If the "annnnd I'm spent" guys could just keep on keepin' on through the refractory period, they would find that they are ideally situated to reduce their partners to a puddle of pleasure. They are thinking clearly and ready for a more prolonged session- both advantages.
Yeah, I don't get that either.
Sure, there are probably a few moments there when I am incapacitated and enjoying the sensations, but I've always thought it was fun to keep fooling around. I just have to adjust my strategy for a few minutes.
If the "annnnd I'm spent" guys could just keep on keepin' on through the refractory period, they would find that they are ideally situated to reduce their partners to a puddle of pleasure. They are thinking clearly and ready for a more prolonged session- both advantages.
34
Here's another fun option for Mrs LIQ: Massage it into your breasts while he watches and save it for the next round- You're welcome ;)
Not that I've ever done that, of course, because I'm not into dirty, shameful sex acts. Only a pervert would do such a thing.
Not that I've ever done that, of course, because I'm not into dirty, shameful sex acts. Only a pervert would do such a thing.
35
Great advice to FAT. He knew she was size 18 when he met her. Whatever the reason for his behaviour, whether he has internalized shame, or he just likes to date people he can insult (some people get off on that), it is simply not acceptable. She needs to threaten to dump him, and then, if he doesn't change, she needs to follow through, with no second chances, no exceptions.
As far as LIQ goes... Dude, just do something that doesn't fucking turn you on, already. So you've lost your sexual desire. So what?! It's not like she's expecting you to do something physiologically impossible for a non aroused man.
As far as LIQ goes... Dude, just do something that doesn't fucking turn you on, already. So you've lost your sexual desire. So what?! It's not like she's expecting you to do something physiologically impossible for a non aroused man.
36
Oh My God, "Only Angry @ Stereotypes", If you had any sense of irony you would see that you just proved his point. Dan was placing bi-sexual in quotes for the reason that he can't ever seem to mention bi-sexuals without getting a bunch of people bitching at him up and down. And what do you do? you post something bitching at him. Way to live up to the stereotype. Now why don't you go get yourself some nice earth friendly eco-shopping bags and toddle off to the farmers market while the rest of the adults talk?
37
my God, I knew it. We're all getting fat. The few remaining individuals with quasi-sleek stature beware. We will SAS-SQUASH your tash.
Dan's Still White Hot.
Dan's Still White Hot.
38
I wonder if FAT's boyfriend was ever overweight himself? Maybe he feels disgusted because it's a battle he's 'won' as it were and feels others should be able to fix that part of themselves too. Either way he's an arse and just another example of how cruel folk can be and how we just don't need that. I hope FAT follows Dan's advise and tells him to go fuck himself if he doesn't cut it out.
39
As someone with a bunch of retards in the family (real, honest-to-goodness retards), I take absolutely no offense to the word being used to describe a moron, or even a sexually-insensitive jag-off, norseman. Given that my retad relatives don't even know they're supposed to be offended (and who the hell are YOU to tell them anything?), I say lay off Dan, who's just making a living here and was understood in his original post to mean no offense to the actual retarded population. Without getting into semantics, or cultural theory, or any other touchy-feely douchery, let's refocus and agree that 1. Dan was right on with his advice and 2. people who get their panties in a wad over the WORD "retard," unlike real retards, should not be allowed in public forums.
40
Generally the most annoying "I hate fatties" assholes tend to be sporting about 50 extra pounds themselves, but think they are "athletic." I wonder how svelte this 60 year old man is himself?
If she does end up dumping him, I hope she spends all that extra time and energy with a personal trainer so she can get slim and buff for *herself.*
...And a little sweet revenge.
If she does end up dumping him, I hope she spends all that extra time and energy with a personal trainer so she can get slim and buff for *herself.*
...And a little sweet revenge.
41
The old Dan is BACK!!!! ( since the last 4 columns) THIS is the Dan who taught me everything I ever needed to know about sex. THIS is the Dan who keeps me sex positive. THIS is the Dan we want!!!!
Yes Dan, your wannabe young, profane, political tirades are part of your charm, but good 'ole sex advice is what you do best.
PLEASE PLEASE, PUL-LEASE keep it up!!
Yes Dan, your wannabe young, profane, political tirades are part of your charm, but good 'ole sex advice is what you do best.
PLEASE PLEASE, PUL-LEASE keep it up!!
42
i'm guessin he's a wide load too. For some reason fat guys have a lot of trouble seeing their own flab while spotting others from across the buffet line.
43
i'm guessin he's a wide load too. For some reason fat guys have a lot of trouble seeing their own flab while spotting others from across the buffet line.
44
damn you Savage, damn you and your fancy quote marks and high toned punctuation protecting you from the much deserved wrath of all fecophiliacs everywhere, I call you out Savage, I dare you... what? It's bisexuals this week and not coprophagy, oh, uh, sorry, what an embarrassment, but I thought that's what the newsletter, oh, eheh...
45
I think you've just become the first advice columnist to ever suggest multiple temper tantrums as a solution to a writer's problem. Awesome.
46
"Weeks ago Dan wrote that a stupid person was "retarded". What if Obama called a stupid person "gay""
For that comment I'm calling you Retarded. If you didn't know retarded does not define a person with a mental handicap and is politically incorrect and that Obama reference? What do Obama, president, and Dan Savage, controversial sex columnist, have to do with each other exactly? Umm Dan is more awesome than Obama? I just don't know.
For that comment I'm calling you Retarded. If you didn't know retarded does not define a person with a mental handicap and is politically incorrect and that Obama reference? What do Obama, president, and Dan Savage, controversial sex columnist, have to do with each other exactly? Umm Dan is more awesome than Obama? I just don't know.
49
re: FAT ... dan's theory is a great one and i'm not arguing with it at all ... however one other theory that crossed my mind is that he is belittling her because he is afraid she will leave him - if he chips away at her self esteem enough, she won't feel adequate enough to think she could do better than him. it's quite possible that the weight doesn't bother him at all, but he's just using it as his weapon of choice because it's there and it works.
not that that's any better, or any less of a reason to DTMFA ... she absolutely should. guy's a dick.
not that that's any better, or any less of a reason to DTMFA ... she absolutely should. guy's a dick.
50
hey cc, I come the same way. I think it's because I shared a bedroom during puberty. I didn't want to freak my younger brother out.
51
Well Dan, this angry bisexual HAS MET pseudo-bi's..don't blame you for the occasional dig. Tho' I do feel you gots something against the bis, I'm trying to think it's just against FLAKY bi's. Some people deserve the "qoutes" around them. This enables me to continue to read & enjoy your column.
I'm a big girl too - and, GREAT advice to FAT. :) Exactly what that woman needs to hear! <3 Agreed w/ all other posters plz: a little less politics, a little more sex.
I'm a big girl too - and, GREAT advice to FAT. :) Exactly what that woman needs to hear! <3 Agreed w/ all other posters plz: a little less politics, a little more sex.
52
@ "Only Angry @Stereotypes" -
The "Angry Bisexual Community" comment was hardly a dig at bisexuals - it reads more like (and, I would think, is) a dig at the kind of paranoia you've displayed in your comment.
In anticipating a fire-up, Savage inserts the the explanation of his "quotation marking" the word "bisexual".
Big whoop.
The "Angry Bisexual Community" comment was hardly a dig at bisexuals - it reads more like (and, I would think, is) a dig at the kind of paranoia you've displayed in your comment.
In anticipating a fire-up, Savage inserts the the explanation of his "quotation marking" the word "bisexual".
Big whoop.
53
To Only Angry @Stereotypes:
Oh puh-lease!
Dan wasn't calling the entire bisexual community angry, he was addressing the angry portion of the bisexual community who are so busy being angry at the slights they imagine from Dan's comments like this that they can't see that putting "bisexual" in quotes was not an insult without an explanatory statement.
I'm a bisexual myself, so don't dare start in with "you don't know what it's like" stuff. Most people read Savage Love primarily for entertainment, secondarily for information, then for whatever else. So Dan writes his information in an acerbic (read entertaining) manner. The Angry [whatever community currently being "insulted" by Dan] Community needs to take a deep breath and read his columns with humor, as they were intended to be taken, rather than with offense.
Oh puh-lease!
Dan wasn't calling the entire bisexual community angry, he was addressing the angry portion of the bisexual community who are so busy being angry at the slights they imagine from Dan's comments like this that they can't see that putting "bisexual" in quotes was not an insult without an explanatory statement.
I'm a bisexual myself, so don't dare start in with "you don't know what it's like" stuff. Most people read Savage Love primarily for entertainment, secondarily for information, then for whatever else. So Dan writes his information in an acerbic (read entertaining) manner. The Angry [whatever community currently being "insulted" by Dan] Community needs to take a deep breath and read his columns with humor, as they were intended to be taken, rather than with offense.
55
Actually, I kind of see it as an OBLIGATION to finish your partner off if you come first, or at least help him/her finish him/herself off. It's an obligation that one should fulfill cheerfully and with gusto, but an obligation nonetheless.
56
This week is about stereotypes. And Dan often uses "retarded"
I've tried to email Dan about this. He get's a lot of email and missed it or just ignored it. Perhaps he responded to me, and it got lost in my junk filter. This is not off topic.
If Dan expects dignity for a minority to which he belongs ( gay marriage ) why would he not support it for all minorities through his constant abuse of the word "retarded" as a writer in a very public forum.
Dan's readers seem to love or accept the "retarded" adjective. Dan would not dare use a stereotype like the N word because readers would respond and he would lose a significant percentage of readership and possibly his job.
Dan has thrown himself into this much like right wing people don't want to be called for their lazy language and stereotypes. One might add fat phobic people.
I'm a long time fan of Dan. This is more about our culture than Dan. Dan long ago had readers call out to him with "hey faggot" which had less stir because he is gay. I don't think he has the same right to so freely abuse other stereotypes.
there are many more examples:
http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Savag…
http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Savag…
http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Savag…
http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Savag…
http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Savag…
http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Savag…
http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Savag…
More...
I've tried to email Dan about this. He get's a lot of email and missed it or just ignored it. Perhaps he responded to me, and it got lost in my junk filter. This is not off topic.
If Dan expects dignity for a minority to which he belongs ( gay marriage ) why would he not support it for all minorities through his constant abuse of the word "retarded" as a writer in a very public forum.
Dan's readers seem to love or accept the "retarded" adjective. Dan would not dare use a stereotype like the N word because readers would respond and he would lose a significant percentage of readership and possibly his job.
Dan has thrown himself into this much like right wing people don't want to be called for their lazy language and stereotypes. One might add fat phobic people.
I'm a long time fan of Dan. This is more about our culture than Dan. Dan long ago had readers call out to him with "hey faggot" which had less stir because he is gay. I don't think he has the same right to so freely abuse other stereotypes.
there are many more examples:
http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Savag…
http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Savag…
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57
Hey Beth, I'm sure you've got a button that is pressed by people who put you down with words. You seem to get all bent out of shape even at me.
You don't deserved to be put down, but the next time you find someone offending you, listen to the excuses they might offer in defense of your humiliation. If you listen, they sound just like y o u. get it? Or are you , well, impeded by your lack of hypocrisy awareness.
There's a great scene in Spike Lee's "do the right thing" and Beth, you fight right in there, we all might in times of error. But are we aware of the differences between what we expect and what we do?
You don't deserved to be put down, but the next time you find someone offending you, listen to the excuses they might offer in defense of your humiliation. If you listen, they sound just like y o u. get it? Or are you , well, impeded by your lack of hypocrisy awareness.
There's a great scene in Spike Lee's "do the right thing" and Beth, you fight right in there, we all might in times of error. But are we aware of the differences between what we expect and what we do?
58
Thank you, Dan, for advising FAT to stand up for herself while trying to save an otherwise good relationship. ALL relationships have their rough spots and sore topics, and this could be stopped and wake up FAT's boyfriend in the process. There are so many people with continuing bad habits that no one has the guts to point out, and then they feel as though they are doing nothing wrong.
59
Geez, I wish my last girlfriend had been a quite cummer. She was of the young twenties type who's grown up seeing porn since being a teen, and I think it polluted her ability to behave sexually. All i got was, 'yeah, come on babe, I'm cumming, ...' constant porn cliches. At first I thought she was faking, but after a couple years realized that was just the way she experienced it. I tried getting her to shut up - at least after she came. Totally a concentration wrecker, and it couldn't help but seem fake to an older guy who heard - porn talk=fake, since porn is basically fake at some level.
62
i think FAT's boyfriend is a passive aagressive A-hole. I got into a bad habit of put downs and snide remarks with my gal and it didn't stop until she left me sitting at a restaurant table suddenly by myself. That was my wake up call. Her BF really doesn't like himself, he just takes it's out on her for being with him!
63
I agree with your advice to FAT, Dan, but I have to add one more thing:
FAT shouldn't be afraid of standing up to him cause she thinks no one else will want her. First of all, size 18 isn't that big (or unhealthy), secondly, there are so many men who love big women out there that if this guy won't shape up, he should be replaced.
FAT shouldn't be afraid of standing up to him cause she thinks no one else will want her. First of all, size 18 isn't that big (or unhealthy), secondly, there are so many men who love big women out there that if this guy won't shape up, he should be replaced.
65
"Only Angry @Stereotypes" is being silly--Come on, the reason stereotypes exist is that there are just enough people who fit them to sustain the false image. Like the "Get Over Yourself Indignant Liberal and/or Persecuted Minority." Of course there are actual persecuted minorities, but this sure isn't the way to win people to their corner.
I wanted to say that I really enjoyed the way DS handled FAT; well-timed, controlled "angry" responses (damn those quotation marks!) are like small explosive charges used in making roads or bringing down buildings. You don't need huge amounts, just enough, and well-placed, used strategically.
I wanted to say that I really enjoyed the way DS handled FAT; well-timed, controlled "angry" responses (damn those quotation marks!) are like small explosive charges used in making roads or bringing down buildings. You don't need huge amounts, just enough, and well-placed, used strategically.
66
I've also experienced the sudden and complete change of mind about tasting or swallowing my own cum.
The way my wife and I succeeded at snowballing was all due to speed. At the very first spurt of cum, she immediately shot up and kissed me, squirting it into my mouth while I was still orgasming.
The point is to taste and swallow cum, not to get every last little drop of a load.
This way I was still in 'the zone' -- very horny and very turned on by this. If she had waited until I was finished, I might easily had said, "Mmm... maybe not, dear."
So - be quick! Or - after the first shot on your tits - squeeze the shit out of his dick until he licks it up.
The way my wife and I succeeded at snowballing was all due to speed. At the very first spurt of cum, she immediately shot up and kissed me, squirting it into my mouth while I was still orgasming.
The point is to taste and swallow cum, not to get every last little drop of a load.
This way I was still in 'the zone' -- very horny and very turned on by this. If she had waited until I was finished, I might easily had said, "Mmm... maybe not, dear."
So - be quick! Or - after the first shot on your tits - squeeze the shit out of his dick until he licks it up.
67
I have a beef with Dan's suggestion to "Fat and Tired" to use the implied threat of physical violence to get her way: "Scream, yell, smash a few things you're not all that attached to—-when he slips up."
On rare occasions, yelling at a guy is the only way to get him to listen to you. This method should be used with care, though, because letting anger out this way tends to snowball.
Smashing things (unless you're punching a pillow) can lead to physical violence, too. A person may think, "Well, I felt better after I threw that bowl across the room," so the next time, he/she may aim it at the other person's head.
As someone who's been the favorite target of a very angry woman, I would encourage Dan to advise people in this situation to break up with their partners if they can't find healthier ways to communicate with them.
In a healthy relationship, problems get solved via good communication, not screaming, yelling, and/or smashing things.
I wouldn't put up with a partner who says (in effect): "I don't care for the way you look, and I'm going to badger you about it until you do what I want you to do." I'd tell the guy who operates that way to get lost! I think "Fat and Tired" should get up the courage to do the same, and find someone who will appreciate her as she is.
Fat and Tired, ask yourself: are you better off being with this guy, and feeling lonely because he isn't happy with himself and takes it out on you, or would you be happier if you were single and seeking someone with whom you'll be a better fit? If you think it's the former, get some counseling, please, and figure out how to value yourself more. You're worth it.
On rare occasions, yelling at a guy is the only way to get him to listen to you. This method should be used with care, though, because letting anger out this way tends to snowball.
Smashing things (unless you're punching a pillow) can lead to physical violence, too. A person may think, "Well, I felt better after I threw that bowl across the room," so the next time, he/she may aim it at the other person's head.
As someone who's been the favorite target of a very angry woman, I would encourage Dan to advise people in this situation to break up with their partners if they can't find healthier ways to communicate with them.
In a healthy relationship, problems get solved via good communication, not screaming, yelling, and/or smashing things.
I wouldn't put up with a partner who says (in effect): "I don't care for the way you look, and I'm going to badger you about it until you do what I want you to do." I'd tell the guy who operates that way to get lost! I think "Fat and Tired" should get up the courage to do the same, and find someone who will appreciate her as she is.
Fat and Tired, ask yourself: are you better off being with this guy, and feeling lonely because he isn't happy with himself and takes it out on you, or would you be happier if you were single and seeking someone with whom you'll be a better fit? If you think it's the former, get some counseling, please, and figure out how to value yourself more. You're worth it.
69
My boyfriend and I are the opposite--if he comes first, he sticks around to make sure I get off; but all I want to do after coming is roll over, cuddle a bit, and go to sleep >.
70
FAT really should just sit on her boyfriend.
He'll have two choices.
Either die from suffocation, or change his ways.
There, problem solved :)
He'll have two choices.
Either die from suffocation, or change his ways.
There, problem solved :)
71
@cc -- my guy was kind of quiet too, and he tended not to be very, well, "active" while coming either, esp. during blowjobs. Who knows why? Maybe someone yelled at him once for moving while being blown. But I find his arousal and orgasms reaallyyy hottttt . . . so I started a gentle campaign of telling him so during the warm afterglow period. Stuff like, "It's really hot when I can feel you come." Or "I really got off on feeling you come." It's worked. He doesn't exactly go off like a rodeo bronc (which is probably good in certain instances), but he's a lot more emotive these days.
72
"much more serious case of the gay"...LMAO!
Great advice, Dan. No one should EVER tolerate abuse because some prick feels the need to make himself better for whatever reason.
I hope she dumps this asshole.
Great advice, Dan. No one should EVER tolerate abuse because some prick feels the need to make himself better for whatever reason.
I hope she dumps this asshole.
73
About FAT:
Sorry I do not agree with the advice.
"A strategic blowup or two should occur—scream, yell, smash a few things you're not all that attached to—when he slips up. Repeat until his attitude changes or his address does."
The problem with it is in order to 'reform' him she has to become a ugly person on the inside. He's an asshole why should she become one to stay with him?
Never stay with someone that 'makes' you compromise your own values or makes you be a worse person to be with.
You can't fight abuse with abuse. It only creates a unhealthy emotionally destructive cycle.
When FAT looks in the mirror instead of seeing a good yet overweight woman she will see the person who just had a temper tantrum broke things and tried to 'bully' her boyfriend into not emotionally abusing her.
She will only give him something else to 'look down' on her for.
Sorry I do not agree with the advice.
"A strategic blowup or two should occur—scream, yell, smash a few things you're not all that attached to—when he slips up. Repeat until his attitude changes or his address does."
The problem with it is in order to 'reform' him she has to become a ugly person on the inside. He's an asshole why should she become one to stay with him?
Never stay with someone that 'makes' you compromise your own values or makes you be a worse person to be with.
You can't fight abuse with abuse. It only creates a unhealthy emotionally destructive cycle.
When FAT looks in the mirror instead of seeing a good yet overweight woman she will see the person who just had a temper tantrum broke things and tried to 'bully' her boyfriend into not emotionally abusing her.
She will only give him something else to 'look down' on her for.
74
CC, one trick is to ask him to tell you how good (or not) something is by making a noise. If he doesn't want to use words then when he likes it he can just moan a little, and the more he likes it the more/louder he should moan. If it doesn't feel good he should be quiet. Of course most things feel good to most guys and since you can probably play his body like violin it shouldn't be too hard to get him vocalising. Start off a little clumsy, and then become more intense, letting him think that you are being guided by his sounds. As his pleasure builds he'll get noisier and by the time he squirts the neighbours should be banging on the walls and shouting out for him to shut the **** up!
Hope that helps.
Hope that helps.
75
Maybe LIQ needs to go work out some, get a little exercise, so he gains some stamina and can go another round once in a while.
76
Guys losing interest in sex immediately after coming is nothing more than evolution at work. The caveman/monkey/whatever who lost interest and got back up on his feet to guard the camp avoided being attacked by saber toothed tigers, other cavemen, etc., lived longer as a result, and passed his post coital disinterest seed on to his offspring.
78
actually bojangles sucking cock and fucking guys up the ass is homo.... licking your own come up is just recycling
79
I used to be a quiet cummer.... trying to masturbate in places and not be heard takes its toll. But after living for a while in private I've gotten a lot louder. It's taken years though.
My current girlfriend makes noises like a porno, and I happen to know for a fact she's never seen one in her life. This is crazy to me. Well, the content is the same, anyway, but the inflection is a lot more dynamic.
My current girlfriend makes noises like a porno, and I happen to know for a fact she's never seen one in her life. This is crazy to me. Well, the content is the same, anyway, but the inflection is a lot more dynamic.
81
I am a thinner woman (5'5" 120 lbs) who dated a guy that professed to hate/be disgusted by fat women. His ex-wife "got fat" and he couldn't stand for her to touch him and his baby's mama got fat and lazy. His words, not mine. Anyway, he dumped me (thank whatever god had a hand in that) and is now in a relationship with a girl that, as he use to say, "has a fat ass and more than a muffin top." Probably treats her the same way FAT's boyfriend treats her. I guess I just wasn't enough woman for him...and my skinny ass is happy to be done with him for a whole host of reasons. I did follow some advice you gave a while ago about getting over a break-up: Masturbate. Hang out with friends. Repeat. Some of the best advice ever. Thanks Dan.
82
I got over the post ejaculation problem (which is caused by a hormone naturally released after ejaculation) by using a subliminal computer program which I also use for other things. Now the problem is moot as I seldom ejaculate because of my age (81) and because it takes me two days to recover my desires which interferes with my normal daily masturbation activity.
83
Dan's funny podcasts on "gay" and "retarded" were helpful. I think Dan nailed it. Both the caller and I objected because we are high school teachers. With elections and prop 8 passing I thought he had gone nuts and given up on sex advice. Let's have more sex advice and less lazy adjectives.
Dan knows where I'm coming from.
Dan knows where I'm coming from.
84
I may be oversensitive here, but the advice to LIQ strikes me as a bit off. What if Dan advised a guy to "force" a girl to do something that she would "hate while[s]he was doing it"? If a girl said she was fine with anal, then changed her mind, would Dan tell her boyfriend to force her to do it or else deny her sex?
Yeah, it's something LIQ has said he'll do, but if he doesn't want to at the time, he doesn't want to. You're allowed to change your "yes" to "no" at any point, aren't you? If LIQ asks his wife to force him, that's fine - but if the wife does it of her own accord, that's a little sketchy, IMO. I think LIQ should either man up and put his money where his mouth is, ***of his own free will***, or else stop leading his wife on without following through.
Yeah, it's something LIQ has said he'll do, but if he doesn't want to at the time, he doesn't want to. You're allowed to change your "yes" to "no" at any point, aren't you? If LIQ asks his wife to force him, that's fine - but if the wife does it of her own accord, that's a little sketchy, IMO. I think LIQ should either man up and put his money where his mouth is, ***of his own free will***, or else stop leading his wife on without following through.
86
I hope Kirk R. is kidding cause the "post-coital disinterest" of most guys I've been with seems to be expressed by promptly passing the fuck out, which would surely lead to being EATEN by the saber toothed tiger.
And Masturbate til I die- thanks for bringing the creepy.
And Masturbate til I die- thanks for bringing the creepy.
88
I’m missing your analogy there, “Only Angry @Stereotypes”. I think Dan is referring to the fed-up defenders of bisexuality, who take so much heat from condescending know-it-alls claiming that true male bisexuality doesn’t really exist. Not because “Angry Bisexuals” have Kick the Dog syndrome.
89
to FAT: I have to back up what Dan is saying. I had a similar situation (not with bad comments about me, but bad attitude about unrelated things)that would crop up from time to time from an otherwise awesome guy. After a few times of "I will not take this crap from you - stop or leave" rants, it eventually took, and I married the now-perfect one.
91
As a bisexual (as in into both guys and girls, and some somewhere in betweens as well), I'm not offended by you Dan, your ex-boyfriend however. Geeze, I wish people like him wouldn't use the word 'bisexual' it makes us look... so annoying.
In the past however I have objected to a few statements that seemed a bit over general, but I've pretty much always agreed with your advice (for example the gay man with the married bisexual boyfriend, you were totally right) though there are bisexuals who don't end up with a partner of the opposite sex, and we're not all douche bags like the guy in the column. Basically bisexual or not married men (or women) that repeatedly tell their bit on the side that they'll leave their spouse for them are a douche baggy population.
In my continuing rant about the perception of bisexuals (not your perception Dan, you seem to be pretty cool about us switch hitters) is that why is it whenever a lesbian chick gets dumped by a bisexual girl and the bisexual girl goes on to date a dude is it assumed that the bisexual girl left the lesbian because the bisexual girl broke up with the lesbian, not because of relationship/compatibility issues, but most certainly because the bisexual girl felt the need to conform to social norms (or because she wanted dick instead of pussy, to be crude) why can't the bisexual chick ever just have had issues with the girl she was dating? Why can't it ever be about "well actually no, we broke up because she kept blaring the same Paul Anka album all the time and I never got any sleep" or "Well actually, no, it was because she smelled funny" or "well actually no, it was because her favorite movie was 30 first dates" or... ANYTHING BUT THE GODDAMN BISEXUALITY. Not that I'm never saying there's never any chance it might be the bisexuality, but I think in a certain way, blaming the bisexual is the ultimate "it's not me its her" it takes all blame off the bisexual's lovelorn ex, it wasn't anything they did, it was just that a case of a bisexual being bisexual.
My first partner was a girl, we were together for three years and we broke up because we grew apart, she wanted to be an accountant, and I wanted to be an artist. I wanted to be wild, and she wanted to be comfortable, and I wanted monogamy, and she didn't (both of which are fine decisions, but we just weren't compatible any longer), and into my life walks a boy, a rock musician, into traveling, into monogamy and long term commitment. His name is Lillie, I like how he looks dressed up as a school girl (or naughty librarian), and I'm more than happy to be on his arm in public with him wearing a dress and a full face of makeup, I've introduced him to my mom and dad with him wearing a skirt.
Now, if my first girlfriend had remained the punk rock photographer she was when I met her, I'd probably still be with her, and I've never cared what's up Lillie's skirt.
I know not everyone thinks this about bisexuals, but I know a lot of lesbians that won't date bi chicks because they don't want to deal with the girl "turning straight on them" and I mean, yes that's their prerogative, but come on, for goodness sake, more often than the relationship ends not because of the parts someone does or doesn't have, but because of who they are, because of their snoring, evil pets, high levels of crazy, powerpuff girls sheets, collection of bottle caps, intense career, inability to pronounce bagel, constantly mismatched socks, snooty country club affiliation, racism, preference for grapes over blueberries, anal retentiveness, unsanitary bathroom, or whatever other trait might possibly have made them incompatible with their partner.
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In the past however I have objected to a few statements that seemed a bit over general, but I've pretty much always agreed with your advice (for example the gay man with the married bisexual boyfriend, you were totally right) though there are bisexuals who don't end up with a partner of the opposite sex, and we're not all douche bags like the guy in the column. Basically bisexual or not married men (or women) that repeatedly tell their bit on the side that they'll leave their spouse for them are a douche baggy population.
In my continuing rant about the perception of bisexuals (not your perception Dan, you seem to be pretty cool about us switch hitters) is that why is it whenever a lesbian chick gets dumped by a bisexual girl and the bisexual girl goes on to date a dude is it assumed that the bisexual girl left the lesbian because the bisexual girl broke up with the lesbian, not because of relationship/compatibility issues, but most certainly because the bisexual girl felt the need to conform to social norms (or because she wanted dick instead of pussy, to be crude) why can't the bisexual chick ever just have had issues with the girl she was dating? Why can't it ever be about "well actually no, we broke up because she kept blaring the same Paul Anka album all the time and I never got any sleep" or "Well actually, no, it was because she smelled funny" or "well actually no, it was because her favorite movie was 30 first dates" or... ANYTHING BUT THE GODDAMN BISEXUALITY. Not that I'm never saying there's never any chance it might be the bisexuality, but I think in a certain way, blaming the bisexual is the ultimate "it's not me its her" it takes all blame off the bisexual's lovelorn ex, it wasn't anything they did, it was just that a case of a bisexual being bisexual.
My first partner was a girl, we were together for three years and we broke up because we grew apart, she wanted to be an accountant, and I wanted to be an artist. I wanted to be wild, and she wanted to be comfortable, and I wanted monogamy, and she didn't (both of which are fine decisions, but we just weren't compatible any longer), and into my life walks a boy, a rock musician, into traveling, into monogamy and long term commitment. His name is Lillie, I like how he looks dressed up as a school girl (or naughty librarian), and I'm more than happy to be on his arm in public with him wearing a dress and a full face of makeup, I've introduced him to my mom and dad with him wearing a skirt.
Now, if my first girlfriend had remained the punk rock photographer she was when I met her, I'd probably still be with her, and I've never cared what's up Lillie's skirt.
I know not everyone thinks this about bisexuals, but I know a lot of lesbians that won't date bi chicks because they don't want to deal with the girl "turning straight on them" and I mean, yes that's their prerogative, but come on, for goodness sake, more often than the relationship ends not because of the parts someone does or doesn't have, but because of who they are, because of their snoring, evil pets, high levels of crazy, powerpuff girls sheets, collection of bottle caps, intense career, inability to pronounce bagel, constantly mismatched socks, snooty country club affiliation, racism, preference for grapes over blueberries, anal retentiveness, unsanitary bathroom, or whatever other trait might possibly have made them incompatible with their partner.
92
I'm sorry "only angry @stereotypes" but GOD! Stop living up to all lesbian stereotypes everywhere. Are you listening? That "bisexual" wasn't actually bi -- he was GAY! and he later admitted it. So stop being so fucking sensitive already!
95
Hmmm answer. I'm one of those quiet cummers, however, I don't lose interest in what's going on. My BF misses my cumming and will ask. Like yea, 15 minutes ago and don't stop what you're doing.
96
If FAT does what you advise her to, Dan, she will end up with a black eye or worse.
Trying to abuse/violently confront an abuser DOES NOT WORK. It only escalates the problem.
I agree that women in their 60s have a hard time finding partners, so this asswipe should get one warning talk on the subject. Only one, and then he´s out.
Unfortunately this kind of behavior in a 60 year old man is probably quite ingrained and its likely a hopeless case. Some people need to psychologically destroy their partners as part of a power trip. She probably can´t stay with him.
However, I can say as an older woman who´s dating with the demographics against her, I all too often find that if a man is still single at that age, there always is a damn good reason for it! Good luck FAT, you will need it.
Trying to abuse/violently confront an abuser DOES NOT WORK. It only escalates the problem.
I agree that women in their 60s have a hard time finding partners, so this asswipe should get one warning talk on the subject. Only one, and then he´s out.
Unfortunately this kind of behavior in a 60 year old man is probably quite ingrained and its likely a hopeless case. Some people need to psychologically destroy their partners as part of a power trip. She probably can´t stay with him.
However, I can say as an older woman who´s dating with the demographics against her, I all too often find that if a man is still single at that age, there always is a damn good reason for it! Good luck FAT, you will need it.
97
About FAT:
No > NO > NO
Sorry I do not agree with the advice.
"A strategic blowup or two should occur—scream, yell, smash a few things you're not all that attached to—when he slips up. Repeat until his attitude changes or his address does."
The problem with it is in order to 'reform' him she has to become a ugly person on the inside. He's an asshole why should she become one to stay with him?
Never stay with someone that 'makes' you compromise your own values or makes you be a worse person to be with.
You can't fight abuse with abuse. It only creates a unhealthy emotionally destructive cycle.
When FAT looks in the mirror instead of seeing a good yet overweight woman she will see the person who just had a temper tantrum broke things and tried to 'bully' her boyfriend into not emotionally abusing her.
She will only give him something else to 'look down' on her for.
No > NO > NO
Sorry I do not agree with the advice.
"A strategic blowup or two should occur—scream, yell, smash a few things you're not all that attached to—when he slips up. Repeat until his attitude changes or his address does."
The problem with it is in order to 'reform' him she has to become a ugly person on the inside. He's an asshole why should she become one to stay with him?
Never stay with someone that 'makes' you compromise your own values or makes you be a worse person to be with.
You can't fight abuse with abuse. It only creates a unhealthy emotionally destructive cycle.
When FAT looks in the mirror instead of seeing a good yet overweight woman she will see the person who just had a temper tantrum broke things and tried to 'bully' her boyfriend into not emotionally abusing her.
She will only give him something else to 'look down' on her for.
98
Ok, seriously, retarded is a perfectly fine adjective to use to describe mentally deficient people. All the sissies who get their panties in a bunch about the un-PC-ness of this should probably not be esposing their delicate virginal minds to the HORROR that is this column. And no one who is retarded should be reading it and then having sex either, we don't need THAT drama. People sure do take themselves seriously.
99
I hate when the guy cums and then BAM its over. Goodnight, please leave or just lay there. This has happened with ex-boyfriend and one night stands. Maybe us women shouldn't let them come until they get us to come, even if it takes all day
100
cc - yep, mine's the same way and it's like "man...give me a sign!" I actually have to ask on occasion if he even did.
I don't know what the answer is. I'd prefer he make some noise but to be honest he's kind of a quiet guy in general.
I don't know what the answer is. I'd prefer he make some noise but to be honest he's kind of a quiet guy in general.
101
i agree with your advice to FAT, except for the part where you suggest she smash stuff. the guy might actually come to a point where he can admit that FAT is sexy. however, i seriously doubt he will find any sexiness in "FAT & Crazy."
102
regarding:
"I was at an LGBT conference this weekend that discussed how prevalent prejudice against bisexuals is, even among LGBT's... "
conferences like that are led by people who get off on the sound of their own voice and attended by people who thrive on the victim mentality. there are enough real victims in the LGBT community without having to invent new ones. You put the wuss in the word wuss.
"I was at an LGBT conference this weekend that discussed how prevalent prejudice against bisexuals is, even among LGBT's... "
conferences like that are led by people who get off on the sound of their own voice and attended by people who thrive on the victim mentality. there are enough real victims in the LGBT community without having to invent new ones. You put the wuss in the word wuss.
103
Thank you, Dan for pointing out that sometimes we can dispense with the "talk in I terms" crap. That approach may work well on a rehearsed episode of Dr. Phil, but in real life the "I" statements bit does not work and one needs to speak from the gut and put it in "you" statements.
104
an old girlfriend would make me go down on her after I climaxed. Her idea was she always came last and too bad if I didn'tlike it - I learned to like it.
105
For LIQ- guys arent the only ones who start to lose interest... I have to get 'almost but not quite' there repeatedly to hang in there for my long lasting guy, otherwise, I chill so thoroughly I fall asleep under him...aparently necrophilia can be a turnoff
107
"Men who eat cum are fags"
Men who make ignorant comments like that are less likely to find anyone who's interested in eating their cum in the first place.
Men who make ignorant comments like that are less likely to find anyone who's interested in eating their cum in the first place.
108
FAT's boyfriend sounds like a belittler - even if she lost weight he would ridicule something else. This is not likely to change, he has self esteem problems.
109
Hey Norseman: would you accept "moron" or "idiot"? Retarded, moronic and idiotic are legitimate medical terms used to describe mental capacity. So he's not making fun of actual retarded people, he's saying that some people have that limited mental range. GET OVER IT!
110
I kinda have the same issue. Things that seem really sexy to me in the heat of the moment, just arent interesting to me after I get off. When I bottom for example my BF finds it really exciting if I get off while hes fucking me, but if he's not ready to right after that, then it annoys me because I lose most of the enjoyment from the act. So depending on how generous or horny I am at the moment I switch it up who gets things to go the way they want.. lol
112
There is a difference between calling someone a retard and using practically any other slur: the group in question does not have the capacity to get offended. If someone is actually retarded, they do not have the mental capacity to feel bad when they hear that word.
113
"They do not have the mental capacity to feel bad when they hear that word."
The severely impaired ones do not, but others in this community certainly are aware of the insult attached to the word "retarded." I don't think you've given us a good reason to feel free to use it as a general put-down.
I don't think a campaign against its use in the general lexicon is going to gain any traction, though. People of limited imagination need a handy insult to use to describe those they feel are inferior to them.
The severely impaired ones do not, but others in this community certainly are aware of the insult attached to the word "retarded." I don't think you've given us a good reason to feel free to use it as a general put-down.
I don't think a campaign against its use in the general lexicon is going to gain any traction, though. People of limited imagination need a handy insult to use to describe those they feel are inferior to them.
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I totally agree that LIQ just needs to suck it up (ok, pun intended;). So WHAT if you are no longer sexually aroused and looking forward to getting your nut off? Sex is not all about YOU but also about your partner and meeting their needs. Just do it and get over it.
If you won't, then you are a selfish prick and SHOULD be denied pussy for the duration.
As for using the word "retarded" as a slur, I'm not too down with that myself. Like using "gay" in the same manner, it's offensive because actual retarded or gay people didn't CHOOSE to be that way and their state of being has nothing to do with the implied insults being hurled.
One of my daughter's friends (both of them 9) was over recently and kept saying, "That's so retarded!" I was just about ready to say something when she said "I'm so retarded!" and my daughter said, "no you're not, you're just stupid." Good girl:)
If you won't, then you are a selfish prick and SHOULD be denied pussy for the duration.
As for using the word "retarded" as a slur, I'm not too down with that myself. Like using "gay" in the same manner, it's offensive because actual retarded or gay people didn't CHOOSE to be that way and their state of being has nothing to do with the implied insults being hurled.
One of my daughter's friends (both of them 9) was over recently and kept saying, "That's so retarded!" I was just about ready to say something when she said "I'm so retarded!" and my daughter said, "no you're not, you're just stupid." Good girl:)
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P.S. to assume that the mentally challenged are unable to comprehend the slur "retarded" is ignorant (note I found another, more apt term to describe the situation...English has tons of them)
Mental disabilities vary widely and most I've know who are "retarded" are perfectly capable of grasping such concepts and language and are not terribly thrilled about them.
One reason my daughter knows the difference between "retarded" and "stupid" or "ignorant" is that her father has an adopted cousin who is mentally handicapped. He's that way because his birth parents locked him in a closet and didn't give him the nourishment, physical or mental, he required for proper brain development for his first few years of life.
So she KNOWS what "retarded" is, and it's NOT some relatively fully functional individual who is simply acting like as asshole.
Mental disabilities vary widely and most I've know who are "retarded" are perfectly capable of grasping such concepts and language and are not terribly thrilled about them.
One reason my daughter knows the difference between "retarded" and "stupid" or "ignorant" is that her father has an adopted cousin who is mentally handicapped. He's that way because his birth parents locked him in a closet and didn't give him the nourishment, physical or mental, he required for proper brain development for his first few years of life.
So she KNOWS what "retarded" is, and it's NOT some relatively fully functional individual who is simply acting like as asshole.
116
Dan -- your description of your ex boyfriend is literally matches word for word my roommate right now, but he's a little older... and it's so frustrating because I just want him to be honest with me and himself. My mouth was gaping in shock... he does want the "white picket fence" family and acts as if "flamers" have a case of the gay... yet he hooks up with men when he's drunk. He says offensive terms, and he's the last person who should be calling people names. Anyway, thanks for revealing that experience, I really related to it.
117
I think that Fattie should date some stuper-fit 20-yr-old and tell him "Sorry, your ass is too OLD for me...your saggy man tits don't do it for me any more" and then go get the bejesus banged out of her. Don't put up with that bullshit, sista!!! MOVE ON - whether it be to a McD's or a new love. :)
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to FAT,
I'm sure your'e man ain't all that himself, so give him a taste of his own medicine and pick on him for a change...or save yourself the trouble and just dump his ass.
I'm sure your'e man ain't all that himself, so give him a taste of his own medicine and pick on him for a change...or save yourself the trouble and just dump his ass.
119
One of my daughter's friends (both of them 9) was over recently and kept saying, "That's so retarded!" I was just about ready to say something when she said "I'm so retarded!" and my daughter said, "no you're not, you're just stupid." Good girl:)
I like this. Retarded people have a good excuse for their diminished mental capacity. Plain ol' regular dumb shits don't. This makes it intensely unfair to associate retardation with the sort of willful ignorance that causes perfectly able-brained people to refuse to use the ol' gray matter.
That said...I think we're getting to a place with the word "retard" where we can separate the clinical meaning from the casual meaning and the two will branch off from each other. Like the word "dumb" or the word "right" (meaning "morally correct" - yes, this was originally a slur against left-handed people). Maybe. Only time will tell for sure, and in the mean time, I'd rather be safe than sorry. For all the whining people do about being "PC," good manners and tact never hurt anyone, so quit your goddamn bitching, you whiny little twerps.
I like this. Retarded people have a good excuse for their diminished mental capacity. Plain ol' regular dumb shits don't. This makes it intensely unfair to associate retardation with the sort of willful ignorance that causes perfectly able-brained people to refuse to use the ol' gray matter.
That said...I think we're getting to a place with the word "retard" where we can separate the clinical meaning from the casual meaning and the two will branch off from each other. Like the word "dumb" or the word "right" (meaning "morally correct" - yes, this was originally a slur against left-handed people). Maybe. Only time will tell for sure, and in the mean time, I'd rather be safe than sorry. For all the whining people do about being "PC," good manners and tact never hurt anyone, so quit your goddamn bitching, you whiny little twerps.
120
Dear FAT:
Dan's got a great suggestion: DTMFA.
This inhuman scumbag obviously doesn't deserve you! It sounds like he's not willing to grow with you, either.
Move onward and upward.
I left a scumbag asshole like that recently and am much better off for it. Unless you're really into S & M, who needs abuse?
Dan's got a great suggestion: DTMFA.
This inhuman scumbag obviously doesn't deserve you! It sounds like he's not willing to grow with you, either.
Move onward and upward.
I left a scumbag asshole like that recently and am much better off for it. Unless you're really into S & M, who needs abuse?
121
oh, aren't I lucky. my bf is usually good for at least two, no problem. he finds this typical, doesn't believe me when I tell him he's exceptional :)
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I would just like to point out that retarded is no longer the accepted term for people with mental disabilities, and considering I work with developmentally disabled people, I should know. My specialty is autism, but there are many people there who fall under the blanket mental disability term in different ways including down's syndrome. Retarded is regarded as offensive as a term for these people, and is probably acceptable for use as a term meaning "unintelligent" at this point, because its no longer clinically used.
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Can we NOT talk about developmentally disabled people on this forum please??? I thought we came here to talk about sex and relationships! THANK YOU!
I would like to say that the bisexual community, by and large, gets up in arms when it might appear that someone doesn't except their sexual orientation. As a member of this community, I am aware of the problems that are faced...but may I suggest that people just chill the fuck out?? Why does everyone need to be so goddamn pc??
I would like to say that the bisexual community, by and large, gets up in arms when it might appear that someone doesn't except their sexual orientation. As a member of this community, I am aware of the problems that are faced...but may I suggest that people just chill the fuck out?? Why does everyone need to be so goddamn pc??
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Hey "only angry", I'm a tried and true bisexual and GLBT activist etc and it seems to me you totally didn't get what he said. People get angry so quickly, looking for that insult. It wasn't there.
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I actually like that Dan's gotten a lot friendlier toward us bisexuals over the years. Back when I forst read Savage Love I felt like he was insulting bisexuals or just flat out denying their existence every second week. I think Dan's comment today was a sly reference to the many bisexuals (including myself) who have written him angry letters over the years. These days, he's downright civil toward us! :)
127
As for guys for whom it's all over after one orgasm, I'm usually in that camp (I used to have two or three in me when I was younger, but I haven't been able to do that since my mid-twenties, except on special occasions).
You can fit that description and still be a good lover. All you have to do is know your limits, know your body, and pace yourself. It isn't hard to make sure your partner (or partners!) have had all the fun they need before you let yourself go, especially in a long-term relationship in which you can really learn your partner's rhythms). It just takes bit of self-control and consideration.
You can fit that description and still be a good lover. All you have to do is know your limits, know your body, and pace yourself. It isn't hard to make sure your partner (or partners!) have had all the fun they need before you let yourself go, especially in a long-term relationship in which you can really learn your partner's rhythms). It just takes bit of self-control and consideration.
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I could be wrong, but I always took Dan's claim that "there's no such thing as a bisexual" (or something to that effect) as being directed towards which sex a person is fundamentally drawn to, not who they are sexually attracted to or sleep with. There's no question there are plenty of people who are bisexual in that they enjoy having sex with people of both sexes but I feel that when it comes to "falling in love", or a strong emotional connection, the vast majority are fundamentally drawn to one sex over the other.
As for the come-eating/licking thing, it's always amazed me that guys who love it when their wife or girlfriend let them come in their mouth get all freaked out at the thought of their own tongue or lips touching their come. Are they afraid a drop of their own come on their lips is going to turn them gay?
As for the come-eating/licking thing, it's always amazed me that guys who love it when their wife or girlfriend let them come in their mouth get all freaked out at the thought of their own tongue or lips touching their come. Are they afraid a drop of their own come on their lips is going to turn them gay?
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guys, bisexual was in quotes because the guy was actually plain old gay, and only half-out-of-the closet during their courtship.
just to clarify.
just to clarify.
130
Guys eating their own cum is not gay. I won't let my boyfriend cum in my mouth unless he's fully aware that there's a Very VERY good chance that I'm gonna put it in his mouth, and I do. Not every time, but there's something sexy knowing that I can and I will.
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