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Craig's Last Hit

April 2, 2009

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Joe Newton

I hope you address the recent rough-play-gone-bad death of New York City radio newsman George Weber. According to reports, Weber met a guy on Craigslist for "violent sex," and the guy stabbed Weber to death. It's a reminder that if you have these kinds of fantasies—Weber wanted to be bound and abused—you're better off doing it with someone you trust and not with some random trick off the internet. No one should wind up dead trying to fulfill a sexual desire.

Safety Conscious

First, I want to extend my sincerest condolences to George Weber's family and friends.

Second, reading about Weber's death reminded me of a joke—this has to be the worst start to a second paragraph ever—that Jon Stewart told on The Daily Show. Conservatives were complaining that a biased media wasn't reporting any of the good news in Iraq, nothing about all those freshly painted schoolrooms or, um, all those other freshly painted schoolrooms; it was all bloodletting, beheadings, and car bombs, all the time.

"Yeah," Stewart deadpanned. "We never hear about the cars that don't explode."

What happened to Weber was horrifying—what John Katehis allegedly did to Weber was horrifying—and, again, my heart goes out to his friends and family. And, yes, there are lessons in this horrific crime for anyone seeking sex and/or love online. But looking for sex online is not, as some have insisted in the wake of Weber's murder, so inherently risky a pursuit that only a lunatic would contemplate it. Remember: We never hear about the people hooking up online who don't get brutally murdered—and unlike cars in Iraq that haven't exploded, it's actually relevant that most people hooking up online aren't brutally murdered.

Every day, tens of thousands of people—hundreds of thousands—find partners online. While lots of folks online are seeking relationships at sites like Match.com or Christiansingles.com, there are more people online at any given moment seeking NSA sex at sites like AdultFriendFinder.com or Recon.com. (People seeking relationships can find love the old-fashioned way, at work or by going out, and many do. And the ones who go online stop lurking online after they've met someone and appeared in an eHarmony commercial. NSAers, on the other hand, have better odds finding other NSAers online, and they're always coming back for more.) If random internet hookups were even half as dangerous as crimes like this make them seem—if they were even one-one-hundredth as dangerous—there would be a dozen online-hookup murders in New York City every day.

No one should be cavalier about safety, of course; people seeking NSA or fantasy- fulfillment sex online need to use common sense and take all reasonable precautions. Insist on a verifiable exchange of real names and real phone numbers; meet in person first, in a public place, preferably at a time when you can't mess around immediately after your first meeting. And people seeking the services of a pro should go to one of the dozen or more websites that host ads from pros along with client reviews.

And it's always a bad idea to post an offer for $60 in exchange for sex to the crowd of fakes and freaks who have overrun Craigslist, as Weber is reported to have done. Meeting cheap whores via Craigslist ups your odds of hooking up with, say, a mentally unstable teenage "satanist" with a thing for knives.

Now perhaps Weber, working as a freelancer, couldn't afford the services of a $200-an-hour professional dominant; maybe he had lowballed it on Craigslist a dozen times before and always had good experiences. Most people who ignore my advice about safety, or hook up with cheap CL hookers, do live to tell the tale. But when it comes to fantasies that involve violence or helplessness, someone safe, sane, and expensive is worth the investment.

Finally, people take calculated risks all the time for pleasures less essential than sex. You're assuming a certain degree of risk—of injury, of death—every time you get in a car, go skiing, or order the chicken. We do what we can to minimize those risks (buckle the fuck up, wear a helmet, don't order the chicken rare), but we don't hold up deaths on highways, on slopes, or after dinner as evidence that people who even think of driving, skiing, or chickening have to be out of their minds.

The sad fact is that some of us will die at the hands of our intimate partners. Do what you can to minimize your risk of being murdered by a sex partner, because some people are dangerous lunatics—and not just internet hookups. Yes, George Weber took the wrong guy home, no question. So did Laci Peterson.


My fiancé is bisexual. I fulfill his "man-love" fantasies by strapping it on, but he has started talking about wanting to have sex with men. I feel like a jerk for freaking about this, but I'm not willing to entertain the emotional and physical risks of opening up our relationship. Am I off base here, Dan?

What The Fuck Is Wrong

With Men These Days

Do not marry this man.

Lots of bisexual guys are capable of monogamy, as are lots of bisexual gals. (That's what angry bisexuals are always telling me, at any rate, in their angry e-mails.) But this bisexual guy is not. He gets points for being honest—and I mean that sincerely. He gets lots of points for telling you now, before the wedding, that being pegged, while wonderful, isn't enough and that he's going to need a little man-love reality now and then. You might be able to extract a promise from him under duress, WTFIWWMTD, and get him to agree to sexual exclusivity as a condition of going ahead with the marriage. But that will just result in you facing the emotional and physical risks of an open relationship without the honesty and accountability that can mitigate those risks.

And to the angry bisexuals: You know I don't think monosexuals are any good at monogamy either, right?


My partner and I have been together for four years. Last year we sought to experiment with another couple via an adult website. We eventually found a sexy pair who we met up with, but the experience left me feeling unsure about how comfortable I am with the idea of the "swinging" lifestyle. I know my partner loves me and is loyal, and he's messed around a bit with others since we've been together and that's okay (so have I, also okay), but getting together with another couple was a lot more personally challenging than I thought. How can I get more comfortable and open-minded about this?

Swinger Wannabe

The problem might have been the other couple, SW, and not the swinging lifestyle per se. You could give it another shot, with another couple, and see if you feel differently. If you do and you don't, well, then you may have to accept—or, more to the point, the boyfriend will have to accept—that synchronized infidelity just isn't for you.


Download the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.

mail@savagelove.net

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Comments (90) RSS

Oldest First Unregistered On Registered On Add a comment
1
the first entry was too long.
Posted by Shellphone on March 31, 2009 at 9:02 PM · Report this
2
bi-guy could maybe be down with a 3-way with the fiance and a guy from CL who isn't a creepo?
Posted by SunShyne on March 31, 2009 at 9:19 PM · Report this
3 Comment Pulled
4
the entry was too long? Man, it took you how long to read it? Let a guy talk for god's sake. Anyway, I liked the end, esp, Dan.
Posted by snw on March 31, 2009 at 9:37 PM · Report this
5
I like it when the letters share a theme. This column seemed to have no theme. But does it follow that I didn't like the column? No. It merely means that I didn't like that the column didn't have a theme that I could see.

My logic is beyond reproach.
Posted by clembot on March 31, 2009 at 9:37 PM · Report this
6
Dan, you is a font of wisdom! That first post is good advice for all those wanting to get their freak on. Pros is pros for a reason and the well reviewed ones are worth their weight in gold.
Posted by The Wet One on March 31, 2009 at 10:11 PM · Report this
7
the first entry may have been long, but if it saves someone's life b/c it made them more careful with their online escapades, then its worth it.
Posted by zorro83 on March 31, 2009 at 10:14 PM · Report this
8
I agree with your first post Dan. Many people see the news and think "oh, CL is horrible, people should never hook up on CL etc etc". Truth is, chances of that happening are 1 in 100000000 (i did not count the zeros). But seriously, if it were that bad, we'd be hearing about stories like that every day. The odds are pretty much the same as walking down to the street and getting hit by a car even though you're standing on the sidewalk... so like Rihanna and TI says :) "Just live your life!"
Posted by chublove4life on March 31, 2009 at 10:14 PM · Report this
9
The first entry was too long? You idiot.

Great posting, Dan.
Posted by Lynn on March 31, 2009 at 10:16 PM · Report this
10
you know, here's the thing. george weber, he had a website. www.georgeweber.net. he has lots of political opinions on it, from going on about the protestors that hate america, hillary clinton's shrillness, and how john kerry lost the election in 2004 by hooking up with the 'hippies' and 'supporters of gay marriage,' he talks about rudy giuliani 'cleaning up new york' and removing 'the hookers' from places, and while it may sound entirely bitchy at this moment, the reality is that being closeted and publicly homophobic/kinkphobic is something that puts a person at risk. because you don't tell your friends where you're going, you can't ask someone to check up on you after your hookup, you have to stay anonymous at all times, etc. because you have this self-created image to maintain. hypocrisy is a health risk.
Posted by lisa lisa on April 1, 2009 at 12:16 AM · Report this
11
I have never posted before but I have to say, can I get an AMEN for Lisa Lisa's post?

That was funny and point well taken.
Posted by RQE on April 1, 2009 at 2:32 AM · Report this
12
However, we've surely learned that even finding a willing partner (that is not a psycho killer) can back fire on you. A predominant new anchor is just as public as a politician, perhaps even more so. Have we not yes learned that the American people aren't ready for the reality that there are gay people everywhere? In our government, our newscasts, our schools, our churches, and for some even our own homes?
They're gay people... a perfectly normal state of attraction. Yet, we nearly force them into hiding by allowing the media to jump on every story where a public figure is outed for whatever reason.
Now, I'm not a public figure. But if I was, I think I'd rather be deep in the closet then come out and rink my career being over simply because I was gay. And, regardless of whether he could legally get fired after coming out, I think we can all be honest in knowing that his career would certainly not advance after the news.

That's it... my rant.
Posted by JoBo on April 1, 2009 at 5:12 AM · Report this
13
However, we've surely learned that even finding a willing partner (that is not a psycho killer) can back fire on you. A predominant news anchor is just as public as a politician, perhaps even more so. Have we not yet learned that the American people aren't ready for the reality that there are gay people everywhere? In our government, our newscasts, our schools, our churches, and for some even our own homes?
They're gay people... a perfectly normal state of attraction. Yet, we nearly force them into hiding by allowing the media to jump on every story where a public figure is outed for whatever reason.
Now, I'm not a public figure. But if I was, I think I'd rather be deep in the closet then come out and risk my career being over simply because I was gay. And, regardless of whether he could legally get fired after coming out, I think we can all be honest in knowing that his career would certainly not advance after the news.

That's it... my rant.

Lots of typos in that first one... oops.
Posted by JoBo on April 1, 2009 at 5:15 AM · Report this
14
As someone who has hooked up online with pros and non pros, I can say that if you're not stupid about it, you can be safe and you can both get your needs fulfilled.

What I love about the first post is that everyone (even my love-Dan) has been glossing over the fact that this kid was 16!!! Yeah he killed the guy, but there's more than murder in the plot here people. Apparently the dead guy missed his calling in the Catholic Church and instead went into radio.
Posted by SL Fan on April 1, 2009 at 5:36 AM · Report this
15

Don't forget the safe call. That's a set of phone calls
you arrange for in advance with a friend. If you don't
call, or if you don't use the code word, your friend calls
the police.

Quote by Susan Wright of the National Coalition for
Sexual Freedom: "John Robinson was abusing women and
killing them, starting with pregnant single mothers, then
women looking for work, and finally trolling for victims in
chat rooms on the Internet. In the SM community, we
practice safe, sane and consensual sexual behavior. Our
groups educate their members about safe sex practices and we
often discuss issues of consent. It's important for people
to be able to access our community groups and events because
that's where they can learn how to protect themselves. The
reason Robinson was caught was because a member of the SM
community went to see him and complained to the police when
he abused her and took her toys from her. If she hadn't set
up a safe call prior to visiting him, she might have been
killed too. If she hadn't filed a complaint with the
police, Robinson might still be out there killing women."

Posted by Ron on April 1, 2009 at 5:44 AM · Report this
16
WTFIWWMTD, There's nothing wrong with us men. If you want a man who is only into women, choose one of us who fits the bill. The real question is, why would you choose your fiance as a potential life partner? Look inward, honey.
Posted by Ace Johnson on April 1, 2009 at 6:58 AM · Report this
17
I think the idea of CL is great, and I wish that this one news item didn't give people a false impression of the risks of it all. That said, I have given CL chance after chance, and have never met a single person on it who wasn't a complete and total fucking crazy person.
Posted by Karey on April 1, 2009 at 7:23 AM · Report this
18
I would add to Dan's advice about hooking up on CL (which I have done many times): Always get a picture in advance. Don't let someone else at the meet-up location pick you up if your date doesn't show.

I also make it a personal rule not to drink alcohol on these dates and I prefer to meet at a coffee shop or bookstore where there are plenty of lights and sober witnesses, but that's just me.

And just like Dan said, no amount of preparation is going to protect you from some people.
Posted by Cori on April 1, 2009 at 7:24 AM · Report this
19
Right on Lisa! I admit to some grim amusement when a bigoted virtuecrat ends up asphyxiated by his own wetsuit and ball gag. If only hypocrisy came with a clear warning label...
Posted by PBJ on April 1, 2009 at 8:41 AM · Report this
20
Dan, just as you mention how the few instances of a horrible sex partner shouldn't eliminate NSA sex hook ups, (just be cautious) You could also point out how no one is advocating banishing marriage simply because of all the cases of domestic violence; (again, be cautious.)
Posted by Rawkcuf on April 1, 2009 at 9:15 AM · Report this
21
Am embarrassed to admit that I regretfully have had a CL hookup. Oh, the shame. I was so naive about it- ok, I was so desperately horny and lonely about it. Was going through a tough time and wanted some naked comforting. Almost didn't go through with it, but he sounded so nice. After discovering that he was in fact a fed, I am now convinced that the people on CL are crazy, criminals, feds or some combination of the 3 (I guess that means I'm a little crazy, too, since I was trolling the CL. Whatever). But that's just me. Lucky for me I wasn't doing anything illegal. Wasn't trying to solicit sex, just wanted to get laid. Would I try it again? HELLS TO THE NO.
Posted by butt-a-fucko on April 1, 2009 at 9:36 AM · Report this
22
Lisa-Lisa for the WIN!!!!

How are the rest of the Cult Jam doing?
Posted by Old as hell on April 1, 2009 at 10:12 AM · Report this
23
Hi Dan! I love your column, it has given me a lot of wonderful ideas about how to think about and accept various expressions of sexuality.

I like the post on the bi-guy. I dated a guy whom I thought was bi...I even think he sneaked off once right in front of me at a party to hook up with a guy at a party. He said the guy came on to him, and he said, "No, I'm straight, I have a girlfriend," but I still felt really weird about it afterwards. It made me feel uncomfortable and gross.

I read the letter, and I thought about it, and I thought, "You know, watching the guys hook up on Queer As Folk was always super hot. They were really sexy, and the way they went after each other really turned me on." And I've heard that women respond physiologically to any and all sex with a turn-on, even if they don't mentally.

So if my ex, or any other future guy was bi, so long as he was UBER-SAFE, that might be something to play around with, so long as I felt as if it was just for sex, and I could know or perhaps participate, or even just watch. (Mmmm!) I've heard that gay male couples can go outside of their primary relationships for NSA sex and remain devoted to their primary partners, so if I had a guy who was bi, and was devoted to me, I see no reason not to add a little kink. The only reasons I would be uncomfortable with that is if A) I felt he was being unsafe, B) I felt he was being dishonest, or C) I felt like he was emotionally attached to the guy.

I never even knew I felt this way before I read this letter!

Thank you! And thank you for encouraging honesty, openness, acceptance and safety.
Posted by carlita on April 1, 2009 at 10:13 AM · Report this
24
First!!
Posted by old as hell on April 1, 2009 at 10:13 AM · Report this
25
Lisa you are SO right.
Posted by Ed Cayce on April 1, 2009 at 10:51 AM · Report this
26
In the second letter, the girl wrote "I feel like a jerk for freaking about this" and I totally read it in my head as "I feel like a freak for jerking off about this". The letter made more sense when I went back and re-read.

Hehehe!
Posted by Erin on April 1, 2009 at 12:08 PM · Report this
27
Dan forgot to mention that the guy was a homophobic asshole.
Posted by meowmeowkitty on April 1, 2009 at 1:12 PM · Report this
28
Call me old fashioned, but I prefer hooking up for NSA sex in a bar or in the tubs.
Posted by mjesf on April 1, 2009 at 1:21 PM · Report this
29
AMEN
Posted by Angie on April 1, 2009 at 1:37 PM · Report this
30
Dan, please stop recommending people to smoke weed or do extasy to deal with their sexual hung-ups or problems. I'm not being a square by saying this, I'm just concerned that a lot of young people listen to the podcast that are very impressionable and actually may go out and do drugs because they perceive they have a problem sexually when really they're just young and inexperienced. Drugs cause a myriad of health problems and even death (I'm sure that you know this), and is ILLEGAL, and some states prosecute possession at a much higher level of offense than others (again I'm sure you know this). Please just be a little more conscious of the 16 year olds for instance that listen to your podcast.
Posted by Candace on April 1, 2009 at 1:43 PM · Report this
31
WTFIWWMTD: Dan is 100% on target with this - you should not marry this guy! You sound like a sweet, open-minded woman, and you need to realize that you are not a "jerk" or "off base" because you don't want a husband who has sex with men. That doesn't make you homophobic, it doesn't make you judgmental, it doesn't make you anything but honest.

You have a right to choose what sort of marriage/long term relationship you want. Your choice is heterosexual monogamy. Your fiance's is not. That's perfectly o.k. Although mainstream society may label your fiance the bad guy here, you know he's not. But neither are you. He's being honest with you, now it's your turn to be honest with him and break things off before you add marriage/kids/etc. to the mix of this doomed relationship.
Posted by olympia1970 on April 1, 2009 at 1:44 PM · Report this
32
Why "the chicken" instead of just "chicken"?
Posted by Grammar on April 1, 2009 at 1:53 PM · Report this
33
"Entry too long?!!

This is the future of communication in the age of chat, texting, Facebook and Twitter. Fewer and fewer people have the patience to read anything over a few words long.

I loved Dan's response.
Posted by Xweetie on April 1, 2009 at 2:02 PM · Report this
34
Good responses, Dan, but in my experience, Adult Friendfinder is one of the biggest rip-offs on the net. Loaded with fake ads, and their billing policy is a bit dishonest, too, in my opinion. (Your home page will say "your membership expires on .... They don't tell you that it automatically renews on that date, too). Save your money, if you want my advice.

Unless you're a girl or gay male, of course. Then I'm sure your dance card will be filled :)
Posted by catsnbanjos on April 1, 2009 at 3:48 PM · Report this
35
Candace, just curious: how many people have died from smoking weed? Any info would be greatly appreciated.
Posted by catsnbanjos on April 1, 2009 at 3:52 PM · Report this
36
dang.. reality check.. my other 1/2 and I have been trying for mos. to hook up with 3rd on CL.. makes me think maybe we should think some more.. thanks Dan
Posted by but we WANT a 3some on April 1, 2009 at 4:15 PM · Report this
37
On a different topic

Paging Dan Savage to the Neologism Courtesy Desk!

Paging Dan Savage to the Neologism Courtesy Desk!

http://mediamatters.org/countyfair/20090…

Rush Limbaugh's new phrase "Anal Poisoning".
Posted by Charles on April 1, 2009 at 4:16 PM · Report this
38
catsnbanjos: "Unless you're a girl or gay male, of course. Then I'm sure your dance card will be filled :)"

Absolutely. Anyone who has sex with men (mainly straight women & gay men) doesn't have a problem getting laid because men, of course, are far more into casual sex (and sex in general) than women are.

While it's not as easy for straight men to find a woman for casual sex on Craigslist, I do know they're out there because I've met four. Unfortunately, all of them were very overweight so I wasn't interested.

As for the danger of meeting someone on the internet for sex, Dan does a good job of putting the risk into perspective. Yeah, people get robbed, beaten up and even, as in the tragic case of Weber, murdered. But they're a tiny fraction of all those having sex. People get killed and maimed in car accidents, but most people don't.

People have different levels of being risk-averse. Some women think every man is another Ted Bundy and some people are too afraid to fly because they're afraid their plane is going to crash (and some do.) Others understand that the vast majority of men are not Ted Bundy (and are, in fact, quite decent human beings) and that the vast majority of planes don't crash.
Posted by JD on April 1, 2009 at 6:19 PM · Report this
39
"What The Fuck Is Wrong With Men These Days",

Nothing is "wrong" with your fiancé. He's being honest with you about wanting to have sex with men. If he was having sex with other men (or other women) behind your back that would be wrong.

The fact that you don't like what he seems to want to do, doesn't make him wrong or you right. You're just different, so you need to either accept him as he is or find a man who doesn't want to fuck men (and there are plenty of us out there.) If you don't want to take the risk of opening up your relationship, then don't.

Too bad he waited to tell you this until you got engaged but at least he made you aware of it before you got married.
Posted by JD on April 1, 2009 at 6:36 PM · Report this
40
Puh-leazze, when you hook up with a bi, you must realize that since they are game for either gender, they are subjected to TWICE AS MUCH TEMPTATION.And since nowadays, the automatic response to temptation is to GIVE IN TO IT, WTFIWWMTD is unquestionably setting herself up for MAJOR heartbreak. Oh, and any woman who dates bi men is also setting herself up for the very real risk of DISEASE. Men who mess with men are exposing themselves to HIGH levels of risk. How does antibiotic-resistant gonorrhea of the entire reproductive system sound to the women here? Ready for a complete hysterectomy before you hit 30? I remember reading about women with grapefruit-sized abcesses in their fallopian tubes in the fifties, courtesy of their husbands and boyfriends. There are a whole SLEW of new,improved diseases out there for women to contract from their bi- boyfriends!
Posted by Serpentine on April 1, 2009 at 7:04 PM · Report this
41
"synchronized infidelity"

Love this term. I'm keeping it on a post it note.
Posted by Bhammer on April 1, 2009 at 9:27 PM · Report this
42
I am not going to hate on CL I met my bf on CL and we're happy together. There are crazies on the internet, but there are crazies everywhere. Have you ever taken the bus in downtown Toronto?

Good post Dan!!
Posted by Hauntingurmom on April 1, 2009 at 9:58 PM · Report this
43
I have a question I am 24/7 sex slave but my master is gone for now its been one month he never has been gone that long should I go on to be someone elses girl or should I wait for him I am confused.
Posted by Gia on April 1, 2009 at 11:31 PM · Report this
44
Gosh, Serpentine! After your post I think I won't ever have sex again! With all those new and improved deseases, what can anyone expect? Brrrr!
Posted by juan on April 2, 2009 at 12:01 AM · Report this
45
Ahh the innerwebs.

The last time I really entertained cyber hookups was about 10 years ago, when not every psycho and their partner was on the web yet. The sites were not pay only yet. And folks were not quite as jaded yet. I feel lucky that I got thru it with no STD's or other horrible results other than the occasional les than totally desirable bed buddy for the night.

I did some things that were not all that wise and pr'y would not do again. But as noted previously, hormones and horniness oblige….

We love you Dan!
Posted by I Heart Dan xoxox on April 2, 2009 at 12:44 AM · Report this
46
Just want to say, I hate that stereotype of Satanists, they are not violent, they do not sacrifice cats or children.
Posted by nonangry monogomous bi on April 2, 2009 at 5:38 AM · Report this
47
Marrying a bisexual man? Another insightful view on this important issue:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nKG_l3_M6…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=izFfFp6IW…
Posted by Your Name Here on April 2, 2009 at 5:52 AM · Report this
48
Dan, another excellent bit of advice. People are lousy at evaluating risk. The same person who won't fly in airplanes has no problem driving a car. Why? Because plane accidents are so rare that they all end up on national news. It takes 4-5 cars and a bunch of bodies to make it past the local cable station. You don't hear about the other 40,000 highway deaths.
Posted by david_42 on April 2, 2009 at 6:19 AM · Report this
49
Thanks for bringing in some sanity to the Weber tragedy. My condolences also to his friends & family. The salaciousness of it, of course, has sucked the media attention like a supermagnet. Of course, he didn't deserve to die. The moral of the story is, I guess, be safe & sane as possible. And follow your advice of common sense and precautions.
Posted by rayy on April 2, 2009 at 7:01 AM · Report this
50
All of the guys I've ever hooked up with on CL were very nice guys. Some were VERY nervous, and some weren't very good sex partners, but not a single one had any hint of psycho in him. For vanilla sex, I think CL is quite safe, but if I wanted some BDSM action (and I've thought about it), I wouldn't use CL, and I'd do some SERIOUS screening beforehand.
Posted by Chris down in The Couv on April 2, 2009 at 10:56 AM · Report this
51
You, mister savage, are my hero. I read your advice daily and you never cease to amuse me with your sarcastic wit and bitter honesty. I sincerely hope those who read your column/posts get as much out of it as I do. You have a talent for writing. The response to the craigslist concern is my favorite thing you've written so far. perfect ending.
Posted by kryskrys on April 2, 2009 at 2:24 PM · Report this
52
I'm a happily married female bisexual and I think that it takes a certain kind of personality to be monogamous without feeling like you're being deprived - and that personality has nothing to do with whose genitals you enjoy touching. If you are a monogamist, you will be a monogamist whether you are with a man or a woman, even if you are attracted to both. Conversely, if you are a polyamorous personality, it doesn't matter if you're heterosexual or otherwise - you will not be happy with just one person.
Posted by Sarah on April 2, 2009 at 3:53 PM · Report this
53
Serpentine : Don't rag on the men too much, Bi-women have the same exact STI risks. (Change the condoms on your toys, Ladies!) He's being honest with her, and giving her a choice - she can leave or live with it (in a positive accepting way). And Bi people don't have twice the temptation, I've been monogamous for long stretches without thinking of other people but my SO. Now that I'm single, sure I play around a lot (got out of a bad long term monogamous relationship, and I don't want to commit for a long while) - but once I commit, I commit and don't look back (apart from the occasional threesomes WITH the SO if they ask for it first). Some people are disposed to monogamy, others are not. And Bisexuality isn't risky if you're safe, get tested regularly and demand the same from your partners.
Posted by Kate on April 2, 2009 at 6:19 PM · Report this
54
Serpentine, do you really think bisexuals are attracted to twice as many people as people who have sex with people of one gender? It's not that simple! Sheesh. Bisexuals don't want to sleep with everyone they meet. Assuming that is the case is analagous to saying a straight woman is likely to want to sleep with any man she meets. Sexual chemistry is a tricky thing, no matter one's proclivities.

I'll grant you that there is truth to the idea that a woman who has sex with a man who's had sex with one or more men may raise her chances of getting an STD, though, since it's easier for a man having unprotected sex to transmit an STD to another man than it would be for him to transmit it to a woman. A lot would depend, however, on how many chances the guy's taken with his sexual health.
Posted by My Name Here on April 2, 2009 at 6:25 PM · Report this
55
For a long time, I hooked up with random guys on CL, and the worst things that happened to me were 1)one guy was just irritating, and 2)I got chlamydia. Luckily, I was honest with all the folks I had been intimate with, and we all got treated. I told who I think it was from (still had their email address) that I think I got it from, and he said he'd get treated, too. I sent anonymous notes via email to the other folks I had been intimate with, as well. No more "strange" for me now. Not for a long time. I am clean now, and I want to keep it that way. (yes, I used condoms, chlamydia spreads orally, too)
Posted by Reformed Slut for NOW... on April 2, 2009 at 7:35 PM · Report this
56
Fifty-fifth!

Awesome. I had to wait all day to be the 55th to respond.
Posted by AdamPo on April 3, 2009 at 12:02 AM · Report this
57
Love me my Savage Love but I agree, first answer was a teal deer.
Posted by root on April 3, 2009 at 6:46 AM · Report this
58
As others have said here AdultFriendFinder is a scam that preys on straight men. There is virtually no chance that you are going to find NSA sex with a woman there. To the extent that there are women on any such site they are looking for a relationship. It doesn't matter if the site is called "fuck me like the dirty whore that I am and then leave dot com" any woman you meet there is looking for Mr. Right. Or she's an actual hooker.
Posted by kresblamania on April 3, 2009 at 6:47 AM · Report this
59
Had to share... Iowa just legalized gay marriage!
http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/ap/t…
Posted by Devin on April 3, 2009 at 8:07 AM · Report this
60
I'm thinking of joining adultfriendfinder because CL is played out in my town... any thoughts? I would feel foolish if I paid a fee to get the same adbot crap I get for free on CL.
Posted by Archie on April 3, 2009 at 9:23 AM · Report this
61
heeheehee. Say "chickening" again!
Posted by RER on April 3, 2009 at 9:39 AM · Report this
62
As a long-time listener to the podcast and occasional online reader of the column, who admires your wisdom, humor and sensibility—and simply because I care, I have to remark about this use of the adverb, "brutally" to redundantly enhance an inherently brutal act. Okay, so maybe it can be argued that there is such a thing as murder that isn't brutal—perhaps one using carbon monoxide or sleeping pills and booze or an overdose of heroin—but, it seems this usage still falls in with other hyperbolic usages found throughout the media which can't be argued otherwise. To wit, "brutal rape" and "brutal beating", which I'm sure you'll agree are offensively redundant, as if there are such things as beatings and rapes that are not brutal. So, maybe, just to be safe, it's best to avoid implying there is such a thing as gentle murder.

Posted by Rubbery Broccoli on April 3, 2009 at 10:46 AM · Report this
63
April 3, 2009- Iowa Court Ruling Legalizes Gay Marriage in Iowa!
Posted by yay!! on April 3, 2009 at 11:28 AM · Report this
64
@ Serpentine:

Blah, blah, blah. So what you're saying is that I, as bisexual, will be tempted by the full 6 billion people in the world instead of the 3 billion people that a straight person would be tempted by. Yeah, you're right, only dealing with 3 billion temptations would be soooooooooo much easier. And by the way, you can contract any number of messed up, shitty diseases from either men, women, bi, straight, gay etc. if you engage in RISKY sex. Do don't think that you're going to be all safe and sound just b/c you're straight.
Posted by Bass guy on April 3, 2009 at 12:23 PM · Report this
65
@ Your name here

I really hope that you're being facetious by saying that provides an "insightful" view. Here's a gem from her Website:

"You can't take yourself that serious and think that it is okay. What gay-ness is, is breeding confusion to oneself and others. It is a cancer on society. Once their is gay rights, their will be tranny rights, rights to adopt children and oddly breed children. The right for a man to work bitch make-up in the work place.
You mean to tell me you give up everything you love to feel the flesh inside your ass for the rest of your life. Wow. What a wonderful connection(sarcasm).

Come on you can't take yourself seriously?? The funny thing is people are and it is becoming a society of recklesness easily persuaded puppets that are confused about who they are and what to accept in life. A soceity if carelessness no sense value.

Everyone should not know what you do, don't expect everyone else to like it. Don't fuck over innocent women and children that thought their was a pure GODLY Love.

I don't give a damn if you are a homo thug, or flamer. You may hate one another, either way it goes, you get dick in the ass and think that it is right or okay.

NO."

Wow, really makes you think......about why the hell she didn't use a spell check before posting this drivel. I never went through an "angry bisexual" phase but I can see why some might be a bit touchy.
Posted by Non-angry bisexual bass guy on April 3, 2009 at 12:31 PM · Report this
66
Who orders chicken rare?!
Posted by tensor on April 3, 2009 at 2:55 PM · Report this
67
Dan -- I like when your columns don't have a theme. Variety -- very nice.
Posted by dalton on April 3, 2009 at 2:56 PM · Report this
68
lisa lisa, excellent point about hypocrisy being a health risk because you can't tell your friends where you'll be or when you should be back
Posted by Lynne on April 3, 2009 at 4:59 PM · Report this
69
bass:

I was joking. That two-part is so funny and outrageous, I had to post it. As you noted, Alexyss Tylor is bisexual, and I'm not sure where you read that particular comment. I haven't listend to all her videos, but she does talk a lot about DL and things like that. Given some of her interviews with Terrance Dean and Jermaine Sain, I don't believe she dislikes gays at all.

My real gripe with her is her mysticism and her conspiracy theory views. In any case, the delivery is raw--that's why I love it.
Posted by Your Name Here on April 3, 2009 at 5:59 PM · Report this
70
AMEN lisa lisa!
Posted by Ponykink on April 4, 2009 at 9:09 AM · Report this
71
too long? why does everything have to be McShort?
Posted by transplantsonamission on April 4, 2009 at 1:19 PM · Report this
72
I'm surprised no one has mentioned threesomes for "WTFIWWMTD" and "Swinger Wannabe". You get to cheat and be faithful at the same time!

Also, "WTFIWWMTD", um sweetie, he's not bisexual (I'm not saying bisexual men don't exist, just that this guy is not bisexual). He is gay. Really, really gay. The closer he gets to the wedding the more gay he's gonna get, because the more he's gonna realize he can't give up cock for pussy. That is what's wrong with him. What's wrong with you is you are dating gay men...who are closet cases. You aren't dating bisexuals. Ask any of the bisexual men who read Savage Love if this guy is a bisexual...or a raging cock-loving 'mo closet case. I think your fiance will get a ringing rainbow endorsement.
Posted by yucca flower on April 4, 2009 at 3:47 PM · Report this
73
go lisa lisa!
Posted by lo-hi-oh! on April 4, 2009 at 4:23 PM · Report this
74
As a gay male, I stopped hooking up on-line. Not because of some perceived danger, but because the last guy I hooked up with said he was 45, but in reality turned out to be 65 when I met him at the door.
Posted by frau blucher on April 4, 2009 at 6:15 PM · Report this
75
I guess if you're going to be the first comment, you either need to leave something glowing or just "first!"

I just didn't think it was that entertaining or pithy, so its length became a detriment. I like reading a lot of something good, and I didn't like how SHORT the other questions were, either. I just like it when the column is a little more balanced.

Sorry I said it was too long. I forget that some people get so surprised and upset when they find that someone on the internet has a differing opinion.
Posted by Shellphone on April 4, 2009 at 11:06 PM · Report this
76
'Anyone who has sex with men (mainly straight women & gay men) doesn't have a problem getting laid because men, of course, are far more into casual sex (and sex in general) than women are.

While it's not as easy for straight men to find a woman for casual sex on Craigslist, I do know they're out there because I've met four. Unfortunately, all of them were very overweight so I wasn't interested.'

Oh the irony. It burns. Yes, women and gay men may have an easier time finding NSA sex online. But 'overweight' is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to their prospects. Most are married and/or too cheap to hire a professional.
Posted by Li Li on April 5, 2009 at 5:01 AM · Report this
77
Holy shit, Batman!
Posted by auntie grizelda on April 5, 2009 at 6:08 AM · Report this
78
Savage for Mayor!. Help a guy out, I live on first hill in the middle of the alchohol Zone [High Gravity]. So where are close places that sell these beers cheep. Some places outside the voluntary zone dont even sell it like safeway on queen anne [top] hill. I bet lots of working people want to know too. P.S. Anybody but nichols for mayor. Beer anyone?
Posted by prolly on April 5, 2009 at 12:11 PM · Report this
79
I wish this column was posted about 10 years ago! Which by the way I enjoy a mix of topics and the 'longer' commentary.

My husband and I meant on the internet. When my grandma found out she promptly snail mailed me a newspaper clipping about a murdered woman who meant her murderer over the web. LOL

Funny my first husband was a wife beater and he did in fact almost kill me, I meant him in high school.

Posted by WithThis on April 5, 2009 at 3:09 PM · Report this
80
Re. the podcast–

The woman who can't cum the way she did when she was 16? One, consider yourself lucky that you ever did and 'settle' for cumming during sex, non-hands-free (that's about as tragic as a guy cumming from a blow job).

Two, did you by any chance start taking hormonal birth control at 16 or 17 after you had a bunch of sex? It's amazing how many women I know who got depressed and lost their sex drives with BC and didn't put 2 and 2 together (most blamed their age or relationships).
Posted by Kiki on April 5, 2009 at 9:44 PM · Report this
81
AMEN!
Posted by DomainMe on April 6, 2009 at 5:10 PM · Report this
82
I recall a post some months back by a guy who got shit on his dick doing some chick in an inflatable igloo at a party in Paris.

Now, there had been a promise we were going to hear more about the igloo and so far I haven't seen anything.

I'm pretty sure the igloo bears more investigation or at least discussion.
Posted by the outer rim on April 6, 2009 at 9:29 PM · Report this
83
Ahhhhhh words of wisdom from Dan. I loved how he ended the response to SC. It is very true, and what happened to George fell under the "shit happens" clause of life. No, I am not condoning his murder, but sometimes, we take risks and we dont always get to make a clean break.
Posted by Cherry on April 7, 2009 at 12:43 AM · Report this
84
I think hooking up online is fine for those who want to do it...but I definitely agree that people should be careful.
My ex for example is an online sex addict and cruises online every waking hour he isn't sleeping or at work. He hooks up with anywhere from 2-7 people everyday always using fake names and fake pictures for that matter...and he lies to each and everyone of them about a great many things.
I feel bad for the guys he messes around with. They have no idea they're getting cialis enhanced sloppy seconds, thirds and fourths.
It's that kind of behavior which makes the internet a not so nice place to meet people.
Posted by throw_a_shoe_at_Bush on April 7, 2009 at 12:57 PM · Report this
85
Totally agree with Lisa's post as well! When I first heard this story I was reminded of an interview Dan did once about one of the many Republican-turned-homo scandals we had last year, and it was interesting to hear the compassion he had for these people, even though they were total hypocrites in their daily life, because the stigma of homosexuality was so strong in their political/religious/whatever circle that they felt their only option was to sneak around in risky environments, because their desires were equally as strong. I felt the same compassion for George when I heard this story, poor bastard couldn't come out and embrace who he was so he ends up getting knifed by some disturbed kid who also doesn't know who the fuck he is. It's this culture of shame our nation has around homosexuality that contributes to a lot of these tragedies. Effing hell, can you imagine what life would be like if everyone wore their freak flag where everyone could see it and one's sexuality & kinks was no big deal??? Not in our lifetime I suspect. But maybe we'll get bandanas.
Posted by californiaflame on April 7, 2009 at 1:48 PM · Report this
86
throw_a_shoe_at_Bush: "My ex for example is an online sex addict and cruises online every waking hour he isn't sleeping or at work. He hooks up with anywhere from 2-7 people everyday"

I read that and thought "How in the hell does a guy manage to hook up with 2-7 people every day?" and then I came to this...

"I feel bad for the guys he messes around with."

Oh, that explains it. He's hooking up with guys. Unless they're outright repulsive, anyone who has sex with guys can easily have 2-7 hookups every day.
Posted by JD on April 7, 2009 at 10:30 PM · Report this
87
Too bad I live outside King County. Dan, you'd get my vote for mayor!

Lisa Lisa, you ROCK, too!
You go, girl!!
Posted by auntie grizelda on April 9, 2009 at 3:31 AM · Report this
88
There are plenty of monogamous bisexuals. I just happen not to be one of that type, a proud bisexual slut. To be fair, though, within my circle of friends are slutty straights and gays, too. As long as you're ethical and loving about it, trying as hard as you can to be open and honest and try to avoid hurting anyone, then sluthood is not even remotely shameful, in my humble opinion.
Posted by DexX on April 27, 2009 at 11:02 PM · Report this
89
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Posted by chris08456 on May 3, 2010 at 12:12 PM · Report this
90
I have to say, I found this article interesting, I've taken an interest in online dating services, it's really hard to find a good online dating site that provides value - I found this free dating site for sharing free sex personals and adult social networking. Cheers!
Posted by shaneducking on August 9, 2010 at 9:20 PM · Report this

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