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Inside Job

April 9, 2009

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I recently discovered, accidentally, while moving things out of my 16-year-old son's room prior to a renovation, a cache of my sex toys that had mysteriously disappeared over the past year. While I've wondered how it was possible to misplace a glow-in-the-dark crucifix-shaped dildo (complete with Jesus in relief), it never dawned on me that it might be an inside job.

This raises several issues. There's the you-stole-my-stuff problem, with responses available from the full range of the passive-aggressive scale. But the nature of the swag complicates matters. I kind of need to know whether he took them to snicker over with his friends or whether he has used them. I'm dead certain if he's used my insertables, that he did so without putting condoms on them first.

So it seems I need to force the you-stole-my-stuff conversation in order to have the safe-toy-use conversation. Suggestions?

Discomfited Aged Deviant

You're gonna have to have a long talk with the little shit, DAD.

First, apologize for snooping—accidentally, of course, during "a renovation." Uh-huh. Then bring up the sex toys. Be matter-of-fact about it, DAD, but firm enough to communicate a sense of violation: He violated your privacy and your glow-in-the-dark crucifix-shaped dildo, a sex toy that was consecrated to your orifice(s) and your orifice(s) alone. ("Your orifice(s)" refers to your own personal orifice, DAD, as well as the orifices of your chosen sex partners, a position that is not—one hopes—open to your 16-year-old son.) Don't let on that you're embarrassed, even if you are—force a smile, if you can.

Then turn the tables on your son and embarrass the shit out of the little shit: Ask him if he was penetrating himself with your crucidildo, and ask him if he has any questions about sex toys in general or butt toys in particular. He'll insist that he wasn't sticking that thing in his ass—although we both know he was—because he'll want to end this conversation as quickly as possible. Your job, DAD, is to drag... this... talk... out... to achieve maximum mortification.

Tell him that you're aware that he might be too shy to admit to using butt toys or to ask for info about the proper use of butt toys, so... you're going to walk him through butt-toy safety and etiquette just to be on the safe side. Then explain it all to him. Tell him about the importance of using lots of lube, of washing sex toys with hot water and a little soap after each use, of putting condoms over them for safety's sake—and tell him about how one preps an orifice to accept a glow-in-the-dark crucifix (and just how many "Our Fathers" one has to say for penance after doing such a thing). Conclude by pointing out that sex toys aren't something people share (particularly with their parents), so the one you'd been using, the one he stole and used himself, is going to have to be deconsecrated now, i.e., disposed of. Then offer to get him one of his own and a bottle of lube.

The point is to make him feel bad for invading your privacy and swiping your stuff, DAD, but not for whatever it was he might have done with your stuff. A nice long talk about butt toys—safe use, storage, ethical procurement—will make him realize that violating your privacy and stealing your sex toys invites conversations that he doesn't want to have with his dad.

My wife of three years has a problem with me masturbating. At one point, we made a deal that I wouldn't do it while she's in the house. That would be just fine with me, except that she is rarely out of the house without me. Our sex is really, really great, but I'm pretty horny and I like to masturbate once in a while. She says that she feels like I'm cheating on her. About a year ago, I DID cheat on her—yes, I'm an idiot—and maybe this is my punishment, but I've always needed to masturbate a lot. I do it to relieve stress and sometimes just because I get horny and I want to stop being horny in a minute or two so that I can concentrate on something else. This just doesn't have very much to do with her, and I feel stupid trying to justify myself to her on this matter. How do you think I should resolve this situation?

Jerk Off

When someone you love is irrational and controlling about some aspect of your private life that doesn't involve or affect her—say, your masturbatory routine, JO—you have two options.

First, you can waste a lot of time and energy trying to talk her out of being irrational and controlling and idiotic. That approach is unlikely to make things better, and it could make matters worse: "Gee, you must really love to beat off without me around, seeing as you're really going to the mat for this."

Your second, and far superior, option is to tell her what she wants to hear—"For you, I won't masturbate"—and then beat off when you want to or when you need to and lie about it. Beat off on the kitchen table when she's out of the house; slip away for 10 minutes to take a "crap" or a "nap" when she's home. So long as you're an attentive lover and you're not neglecting her needs, and so long as you're not inconsiderately leaving evidence all over the place (wash out your own crusty come socks), feel free to work around her irrationality with a little harmless deceit.

I dislike a lot of things about your column: I disagree with your stance on religion and I'm against homosexual marriage. But I love reading your column: It's like a car wreck—I have to look. So I have a question for you.

I am a 32-year-old heterosexual married man. My wife and I have a great sex life. We have been married just over a year. She is pretty open to just about anything, except ONE thing: When she is blowing me, sometimes instead of coming in her mouth, I want to come all over her face. She finds that repulsive. She normally has no problem with swallowing my come or letting me come on her chest. But for some reason, the face just creeps her out. She says it's degrading. Now, I cannot for the life of me understand how unloading on her face is any more degrading than coming in her mouth or on her chest.

Any advice?

Facials Are Causing Embarrassment

Sorry, FACE, but your wife is correct: Facials are degrading—and that's why they're so hot. Now, I would normally arm a married man in your predicament with some killer talking points guaranteed to convince his wife to let him blow a load on her face, FACE, but... I'm not going to help you out. While being denied a little sex advice doesn't compare to being denied the right to wed, I reserve the right to discriminate against straight married assholes who support discrimination against me.

Now, if there's a married straight man out there who supports marriage equality and wants some advice on talking the wife into facials, I would be more than happy to share my surefire, fail-proof, 100-percent-guaranteed pro-facial arguments with you. And if you're a justice on the Iowa State Supreme Court—which last week ruled unanimously in favor of marriage equality for same-sex couples—I'll toss in a free phone consultation.


Comments (262) RSS

Oldest First Unregistered On Registered On Add a comment
FIRST POST!!!!!!!!!1

Also: good work on the butt-toy advice!
Posted by OinkyDoinky on April 7, 2009 at 6:41 PM · Report this
To FACE ... seriously? You get to cum everywhere else, let it go.
Posted by Frank on April 7, 2009 at 6:44 PM · Report this
first comment?
Posted by sarah on April 7, 2009 at 6:55 PM · Report this
Love the DAD advice - it is dead on! Though if I had JO's issue I wouldn't hide the masturbation...I'd ask her to get me off then and there and then if refused I'd just have to take matters into my own hands! Ask her often enough and maybe she'll decide it isn't cheating rahter it is giving her a break. (however if he had me we'd never be out of bed!)
Posted by clarity on April 7, 2009 at 6:56 PM · Report this
Big fan and have been so busy to find time to catch up on your column but happy to see things are still interesting as ever.
Posted by Jesse on April 7, 2009 at 6:58 PM · Report this
I'm just such a judge, but my wife loves taking a load in the face as long as I'm wearing my robes. We call it "justice for all." thanks anyway and you're welcome for the marriage thing.
Posted by Coljack on April 7, 2009 at 7:00 PM · Report this
As someone who is too excited about Vermont to give the haters the back of the hand they deserve, I'll offer FACE some advice: tell your wife that you love seeing yourself, your dick, next to her face, and that it makes your orgasm that much hotter when you can watch yourself come on her beautiful face. If you REALLY want to convince her, the next time you come in her mouth or on her chest, kiss her mouth or nipples and lick off some of your own semen. It will help her think of it as less degrading if you're embracing your own come. If you can't stand to do that, however, you probably don't deserve the visual anyway.
Posted by Happy! on April 7, 2009 at 7:02 PM · Report this
The official penance is three Our Father's and three Hail Mary's.

The monsignor told me so!
Posted by scopes on April 7, 2009 at 7:06 PM · Report this
What's up with the whole quick jerk off to relieve stress thing? Is that really healthy? Wouldn't it be better, albeit much more difficult, to try to examine head-on the underlying issues to our being stressed? Of course one could argue that masterbation is a whole lot better than some of the other quick fixers like smoking, food of alcohol but they still all are only band-aid type solutions.
Posted by jade on April 7, 2009 at 7:10 PM · Report this
Good job Dan!

You never seem to fail to tell of right-wing bigots in a way that leaves you standing on top!

Thank you for being you!
Posted by Mackenzie on April 7, 2009 at 7:15 PM · Report this
"I hate you and your advice, please give me some advice!"
Posted by magnesium on April 7, 2009 at 7:26 PM · Report this
I'm a straight female who's counting down the states until the whole country has equal marriage (at which time I will throw a party). Perhaps you would share your facial argument with me? I've never wanted to try it. It icks me out, seems a lot like getting peed on.
Posted by Blah on April 7, 2009 at 7:30 PM · Report this
If FACE thinks all over your face is the same thing as in your mouth, it must be entertaining to watch him eat spaghetti.
Posted by nothingunderhand on April 7, 2009 at 7:32 PM · Report this
JO: I think Dan offers the best possible advice w/ his second suggestion (i.e. working around your wife's irrationality), if you want to stay with your wife. True, lots of people make peace w/ worse situations. To quote Dan from a column several years ago (or at least I think I'm quoting--my apologies if I'm not) Part of settling down is settling for. That said, in your position, I would consider leaving.

I don't know if I could partner with someone that couldn't handle me masturbating. It smacks of immaturity, not to mention a serious lack of boundaries. It sounds like your wife doesn't have a clue about male sexuality, although she probably doesn't have a clue about her own. Yeah, that's a lot to read into a relatively short letter, but conflating masturbation w/ infidelity is just retarded.

FACE: This letter has to be a joke. If not, let me say I really don't give a rusty fuck about the sex life of bigots unless it's instrumental in getting them removed from public office.
Posted by know-it-all on April 7, 2009 at 7:38 PM · Report this
God. How insecure must a woman be to view fucking a hand as cheating? I was willing to put up with that bullshit when I had my first serious relationship at 18, but 10 years later and I'm too tired to argue or pull any sort of passive-aggressive bullshit. I'd just tell her I'll do it when I like, she doesn't have to watch, but shut the fuck up about it. If she persists in her screeching, I'd tell her I was leaving. Let the looney prudes stick together - I need someone who isn't afraid of sex.
Posted by falconswan on April 7, 2009 at 7:41 PM · Report this
Please ask your readers to go to the Honolulu Advertiser's home page and "vote" on the Civil Union bill now before the legislature. The "against" were winning by a narrow margin.

Posted by Rob on April 7, 2009 at 8:23 PM · Report this
Jade - That's the thing, if you're stressed out about, say, money, and you get your brain so wrapped up in thinking about "Oh my god how can I afford to pay the electric bill AND eat this month AND the credit card AND..." That kind of thinking can go on forever if you let it, and masturbation can be a nice stress reducer that lets you calm down, gather your thoughts, and tackle the problems fresh.
Posted by Jessanie on April 7, 2009 at 8:24 PM · Report this
Listen up hateful fuckers - in the next 10 years, most of the states in the union (hopefully all) will have legalized homosexual marriage. Fuck off hate-mongers. We shall prevail. Black suffrage, women's suffrage, abolition of Jim Crow, etc. It's all taken some time for people to come around, but in the end, the right and just side always wins out. :)
Posted by Kiki LaRue on April 7, 2009 at 8:35 PM · Report this
My husband tried to make me feel bad about masturbating when he didn't want to have sex with me (I have a very high sex drive and his is lower than a postpartum mother on prozac and birth control). Eventually, with a little age and the wisdom of Dan Savage, he realized it's better than fucking around on him. Calmly explain that you want to fuck her more often, but if she's not in the mood, she needs to get over you rubbing one out. As long as you're not neglecting her sexually in favor of your right hand, she's being way irrational. If she persists, you may need to get a new lady.
Posted by Chá on April 7, 2009 at 8:43 PM · Report this
OMG Dan, I love that you can use words to degrade that homophobic FACE dude. Even if he receives advice from your fellow readers, he has to FACE the fact he's not worthy of advice from his own idol.

Your column is more brilliant each year, and the advice from fellow readers is also more tantalizing each month.

Posted by norseman on April 7, 2009 at 9:02 PM · Report this
I appreciate Jade's comment; insightful, and positively screaming out for further contemplation.
Response: without having some kind of pressure valve built into our behaviours, I don't think we could survive.
We ought also examine how many people smoke, drink, and do other harmful things, and, I feel, draw the conclusion that these things are necessary. We are not a race strictly supported by the logic of sustainable solutions, but often surviving only from moment to moment with temporary fixes. We flirt with a line of balance, too much, or too little both breed flaws of character.
I argue that it is not correct to draw the conclusion that: masturbation as a stress relief is a band aid solution, and thus should be avoided. Rather; we need to promote contemplation of our actions, and act to create balance when masturbation, or any other behaviour, becomes destructive.
Posted by number16 on April 7, 2009 at 9:03 PM · Report this
What if you're a Vermont Senator that just approved marriage? Do only the Iowan Judges get the free sex advice call?
Posted by Needs More Head in the Capitol Building on April 7, 2009 at 9:03 PM · Report this
To FACE: dude, she swallows. She is rare among wives. Be grateful and stop bitching.
Posted by LDD on April 7, 2009 at 9:20 PM · Report this
"crucidildo" is quite possibly the most hilarious word i've heard in a long time.
Posted by LuliaQ on April 7, 2009 at 9:21 PM · Report this
Dan, I'm SO glad you denied the straight married guy advice. He does not deserve it at all. I love how you told him you had the right to discriminate against him since he discriminates against you. Right on!
Posted by hlr on April 7, 2009 at 9:28 PM · Report this
FIRST!!!....hey, what the fuck happened???....
Posted by clembot on April 7, 2009 at 9:34 PM · Report this
Ummmmm..... first letter is an April Fool's prank.
Posted by kk on April 7, 2009 at 9:47 PM · Report this
Or a less deceitful option for JO: every time you want to jerk off when she's around, tell her. Tell her you feel like having an orgasm, and she can participate or not as she chooses. If she chooses to participate, do be generous - but she probably won't. Either you'll be having sex a lot more often, or (hopefully) she'll realize how ridiculously controlling it is to deny you solo satisfaction.
Posted by Kgirl on April 7, 2009 at 9:48 PM · Report this
Here's the funny thing with degrading sexual acts – women with healthy self-esteem tend to only get off on them if they are a hundred percent sure the man they're with completely respects them in every single way. If there's any doubt, any hint that he's sexist, if he's passive aggressive in fights, verbally abusive, talks shit about women's bodies... it's a total turn on.
Posted by Kiki on April 7, 2009 at 9:48 PM · Report this
turn OFF, turn OFF. damn these late-night listening sessions.
Posted by Kiki on April 7, 2009 at 9:49 PM · Report this
Uh... she doesn't want him to masturbate as a punishment for cheating on her (and not with his hand). Irrational, maybe, but it's the form of payback she chose. 'You couldn't keep it in your pats for me, now I want you to deny it to yourself.'
Posted by Kenmen on April 7, 2009 at 9:52 PM · Report this
If I were the Dad from the first letter, and the sixteen year old were my son, I would call the son into the room for a talk, as Dan suggests.

I would also, as Dan suggests, begin an embarrassing conversation about dildos sure to mortify the son.

However, I would then pummel my own son in the ass, you know, to really drive home the awkwardness, spilling my gad on his bum cheek as a finale.

Now THAT would teach him a lesson. Amen and praise Jebus.
Posted by clembot on April 7, 2009 at 9:52 PM · Report this
Let's see, Jerk Off... you cheated on your wife two years into a marriage, and your wife is so paranoid she wants no evidence of your sexual needs beyond her. Sounds like paradise. Maybe that's why Dan gave you the terrible advise to lie to her, and let her think she's controlling you...he can see you're not in it for the long haul. Not if you can't be your self, that's for damn sure. Hope you guys don't have any kids whose lives you'll be sure to ruin.
Posted by rodeo queen on April 7, 2009 at 10:06 PM · Report this
Maybe Questioner#2 should just have 5-minute sex with his wife any time he feels like masturbating. Soon enough she'll ask him to go back to doing it himself...
Posted by mhdmfty on April 7, 2009 at 10:08 PM · Report this
I am still holding out for more details on the igloo.
Posted by the outer rim on April 7, 2009 at 10:18 PM · Report this
OK, Dan, I'm 100% in favor of marriage equality, voted against Prop H8 and donated money to the anti-H8 cause, so please tell me, what ARE the 100% guaranteed pro-facial arguments?
Posted by spc on April 7, 2009 at 10:18 PM · Report this
Jerk Off: "Our sex is really, really great, but I'm pretty horny and I like to masturbate once in a while. She says that she feels like I'm cheating on her."

Their sex life is great but, even so, she doesn't want him to jerk off because that's "cheating" on her? This woman is beyond bizarre. Why doesn't she ask to watch him? Then she'd be right there so it wouldn't be "cheating", right? I've loved it when women I've been with wanted to watch me and I love watching women masturbate.

FACE: "I'm against homosexual marriage."

And I'm a libertarian straight guy who's against conservative heterosexuals imposing their views about legal coupling on everyone. Why don't these conservative heteros spend their time and energy being opposed to domestic abuse and cheating by married heteros, instead of getting all hot and bothered about same-sex couples who love each other?

FACE again: "She normally has no problem with swallowing my come or letting me come on her chest. But for some reason, the face just creeps her out."

Hey, she swallows. That's very sexy and pretty rare for a woman to do. Why not count your blessings instead of badgering her about coming on her face too?
Posted by JD on April 7, 2009 at 10:51 PM · Report this
Response to FACE = Perfect
Posted by Joe Tex on April 7, 2009 at 11:06 PM · Report this
@jade Nope, nothing wrong or unhealthy about a quick yank when the mood takes you.

All natural, lets you get on with your day instead of stewing in hormones (if you don't have a willing partner or time to get them in the mood), sometimes a relaxing way to get sleepy at the end of a day.

I'll assume you are female since men don't need to be taught this stuff. Women of the world, please educate yourselves and your sisters on the joy of masturbation and that it doesn't have to end even when you have a steady sex partner.

Posted by George on April 7, 2009 at 11:09 PM · Report this
My wife doesn't like me masturbating, so when I *really* can't hold it, she watches and masturbates herself.

This usually ends in sex anyway.
Posted by Couples do it together on April 8, 2009 at 12:07 AM · Report this
I stole my dad's playboys, he never confronted me about it.
Posted by Sucka 'MC on April 8, 2009 at 1:04 AM · Report this
Dan, I think you're way off on your advice to FACE. This is what you should have said: When you go on your inevitable shooting spree, like all right-wing idiots do, make sure to kill yourself first & save the rest of the world a ton of heartache.
Posted by Pittsburgh Police Dept. on April 8, 2009 at 1:51 AM · Report this
jade- there is no such thing as a "stress-free" life, and thus no such thing as an "underlying cause of stress", at least not one that can be solved or fixed.

Obviously if your choice is to masturbate for hours on end instead of dealing with Life, it's a problem, but otherwise? It's just some hormonal regulation, releasing endorphins and all that. It's not any more a "band-aid" then laughing at a joke or enjoying a beautiful park is a "bandaid" for depression/shitty days.
Posted by a.james on April 8, 2009 at 2:20 AM · Report this
Yeah... but you weren't shoving your dad's playboys up your ass were you? The health factor far outweighs the "taking something that isn't yours" issue.
Posted by siege on April 8, 2009 at 2:33 AM · Report this
I woukd never stay with a woman that was so controlling that she even tried to control my( dont affect her) masturbation....BRAD
Posted by brad on April 8, 2009 at 2:43 AM · Report this
I believe in equality in marriage.As in no one should be allowed to marry.BRAD
Posted by brad on April 8, 2009 at 2:45 AM · Report this
Mr. Savage's response to FACE was just childish. Is it such a shock to learn that there are readers who enjoy his relationship advice but disagree with his politics?
Posted by TWJ on April 8, 2009 at 3:15 AM · Report this
Dan, you're so wrong (for a change) "make him feel bad for invading your privacy and stealing your stuff" Why make him feel bad? There's no use in it.

Point out everything you mentioned – safety first, where, when, how to use. And LAUGH off the fact that now the crucidildo has to be retired for hygiene's sake. Trust me that alone will make him feel bad enough without trying to pile anything else on.

I mean it's not like it's an easy thing (or legal) for a 16 yr old to go out and buy that kind of paraphernalia anyway – yes he can and should learn to get the lube and condoms himself but go east on the rest.

Let he who never pilfered something for sexual use from a parent cast the first stone.
Posted by Fred34 on April 8, 2009 at 4:49 AM · Report this
*or go easy
Posted by Fred34 on April 8, 2009 at 4:57 AM · Report this
Don't forget Vermont, Sweden, as well as Austria, in the near future.

"Your job, DAD, is to drag... this... talk... out... "

I love you.
Posted by Idir on April 8, 2009 at 5:22 AM · Report this
Fabulous response to FACE. Thanks, Dan!
Posted by GailS on April 8, 2009 at 5:26 AM · Report this
I have a couple of quick comments Dan, the first is about DAD; since it doesn't state anywhere in the letter, how do you know it is the Dad that wrote in instead of the Mom? Your advice however, is solid.

Second, your advice is bang on for Jerk Off, and I had the same problem with my wife in the past. I solved the problem by going to bed early some nights, like when she is watching the Biggest Loser or Private Practice on TV. Just because you aren't getting enough sex is not a reason to cheat, you can take the matter into your own hands.

And for FACE, if his wife is willing to swallow or have him come anywhere else but her face, he should be very happy with that and stop complaining; some married men don't get that much. The behaviour is more like a dog marking his territory and tell him that everything you see in porn is not healthy or safe and should not be copied.
Posted by DAL on April 8, 2009 at 5:49 AM · Report this
JO's wife probably believes that when he jerks off, hs is thinking about other women (models, tv stars, co-workers, random strangers) so that's why she feels it is cheating. And where he has cheated before, she probably wants to prevent him from thinking about sex with other women.

It probably also takes him less time to get himself in the mood than to get his wife in the mood, so squirting into a sock is quicker and easier than talking your wife into a quickie or a blow job. Unless of course your wife is really great.
Posted by Understands to Problem on April 8, 2009 at 6:04 AM · Report this
JO, Are you wandering around the house jerking off at will whenever you feel like it? While your wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner for your cheating ass? The living room wile she's trying to do work on the computer? When she's having a serious phone conversation?

Unless you two are involved in something sexual or you're in bed together and she's just not interested, why is this this even an issue? Why aren't you just happily jerking off in the bathroom or during nap time as men have been doing for centuries? Unless,of course, your desire to have her constantly watch you is something you conveniently left out of your letter.

What I find truly disturbing is that "she rarely leaves the house" without you. Is she a kidnap victim?

FACE, she just doesn't like it and doesn't want to do it. Let it go. Come back in 5 years when you have three screaming little brats and your exhausted wife won't do anything sexual. But omit the self righteous declarations about religion and gay marrige in your letter if you want help. Also, don't assume that everyone enjoys watching the carnage of car accidents, especially if they've been in one.
Posted by babette on April 8, 2009 at 6:15 AM · Report this

There are a multitude of people of read Dan's column and don't agree with his politics (like the whole blacks & Prop. * thing he keeps harping on about)

HOWEVER, you do not bring out that point when you want something from someone. Its just common sense. "I'm Against things that are value to your core... here's my problem, help me, k? thx!"

Um, No. Lol. Fuck you. If he was smart he wouldn't have included that first part to begin with, so he wanted Dan to say something about it. And Dan gave him a response.
Posted by stop the silly on April 8, 2009 at 6:17 AM · Report this
Jade, you wack.

(Or, perhaps more accurately, you should)
Posted by KDot on April 8, 2009 at 6:20 AM · Report this
@ stop the silly

I read it the other way around. It seemed that FACE was paying him a compliment. To paraphrase: "you oppose my core values and gratuitously insult those who share my beliefs, yet I enjoy your work and value your advice."

I expected Mr. Savage to trade barbs playfully and then get on to the advice.

Perhaps I am being too charitable to FACE. Nevertheless, I am quite surprised at how thin-skinned Mr. Savage's reaction was. If he found the letter offensive, he did not have to run it. Instead, he used a third of his column to thumb his nose at FACE. As a loyal reader, I feel shortchanged (am I alone in this?), and can only describe the move as childish.
Posted by TWJ on April 8, 2009 at 7:05 AM · Report this
FACE: It's degrading because you have to clean it off, and it's fucking annoying getting it off the face. It might get in her eyes. It might get up her nose. She seems to be doing almost everything else (I'm seriously not convinced that swallowing is THAT rare, but whatever), so shut up and treat her to a nice dinner for being such a great sport to your bigoted ass.
Posted by Gloria on April 8, 2009 at 7:11 AM · Report this
Re JO:

As someone who has been in a relationship where cheating was involved, I have to disagree with Dan on this one. To successfully come back from infidelity, it’s extremely important that the cheated partner be able to completely trust the cheating partner, ESPECIALLY where sexuality is concerned.

Even a year out, this woman is probably still extremely insecure at the thought of him masturbating and thinking of someone who is not her (which, let’s face it, he probably is). If she were to catch him lying about this—and maybe she wouldn’t, but she might—it could undo much of the work they have put into repairing the relationship.

Instead, what if JO tried to make masturbation less threatening to her? Next time they want to have sex, instead of actual penetration, they could masturbate side by side. He could tell her how hot it is when she masturbates and ask her to touch him with her other hand. This will make her feel more connected to the process. Do this a couple of times in lieu of sex.

Then, as someone else suggested, the next time he just wants to rub one out, he could ask if she wants to join him. No? Does she want to watch? No? Then would it be okay if I just took care of it solo, babe?
Posted by indeedso on April 8, 2009 at 7:12 AM · Report this
Holy shit, where do I find a glow in the dark, crucifix shaped dildo, with Jesus in relief? That's just too cool.
Posted by smedek on April 8, 2009 at 7:15 AM · Report this
Gloria: "(I'm seriously not convinced that swallowing is THAT rare, but whatever)"

That's because you're not a man who has sex with women.

Aside from that, I agree with your comment that it's annoying. I don't know from personal experience but I imagine it would be. I love what someone else mentioned: comparing eating spaghetti to having it all over your face.


TWJ: "I read it the other way around. It seemed that FACE was paying him a compliment. To paraphrase: 'you oppose my core values and gratuitously insult those who share my beliefs, yet I enjoy your work and value your advice.'"

You're missing a fundamental difference: Savage may oppose FACE's core values but he isn't trying to impose his values on FACE and his kind; i.e. he's not trying to prevent different-sex marriage. FACE and his kind, on the other hand, not only oppose Savage's values but are actively trying to impose their values on Savage and other homosexuals by working to prevent same-sex marriage.
Posted by JD on April 8, 2009 at 7:49 AM · Report this
I have a different take on JO, as a wife who has had to ask her husband to masturbate less. In my case, the husband was masturbating to the exclusion of sex with me. He was keeping his sexuality to himself and not including me in it. JO didn't indicate this, but why would he? I suspect he is choosing to masturbate over trying to bed his wife. However if he cheated, then he masturbates a lot (his words), she is probably feeling excluded from his sex life (and maybe wondering why his hand is more sexually appealing than her). What worked for me was asking my husband to come to me first (no pun intended!) when he was feeling the need to get off instead of first considering his right hand. If I turned him down then he's free to squeeze one out, no hard feelings. That way, he gets his orgasm, and I get to be a participant in his sexuality. This tactic might work for JO.
Posted by qr on April 8, 2009 at 8:05 AM · Report this
Any bodily fluid splashed on the face (not just cum, but pee, vomit, poo, spit, etc.) is indeed degrading. Maybe FACE should let Dan cum all over his face and see how he likes it. As I'm typing this, I'm also thinking that the facial recipient is virtually always below the ejaculator, never above him, thereby adding to the debasement.

I personally do not like receiving facials because I have a hangup about seeing cum out in the open air. (I turn my head during money shots in porn.) I would rather swallow. Only recently did I let my BF fuck me between the tits, something he'd been asking for for a while, because if I don't like seeing cum, I sure don't want to see it coming at my face at 60 mph. (He's fixed, so it'd be clear, not white, but that's not the point.) It was dark, and I kept my eyes closed. Glad we got that out of the way.

"What if he's masturbating? ...I could end up on the ceiling!" Woody Allen, in Everything you Always Wanted to Know About Sex* (*but were afraid to ask)
Posted by Robin on April 8, 2009 at 8:41 AM · Report this
JD: "You're missing a fundamental difference: Savage may oppose FACE's core values but he isn't trying to impose his values on FACE and his kind; i.e. he's not trying to prevent different-sex marriage. FACE and his kind, on the other hand, not only oppose Savage's values but are actively trying to impose their values on Savage and other homosexuals by working to prevent same-sex marriage."

From what I have read, both sides feel that the other is imposing its values, feel under attack, and are quite passionate about the subject. They do call it the culture wars for a reason. Personally, I find the "anyone who disagrees must be a hateful bigot" approach fairly closed-minded.

It seems that despite the differences, FACE was reaching across the aisle. Given his question, I would hazard a guess that he is not a puritan.

It is really too bad that FACE has to be treated as an enemy instead of a fellow traveler fascinated and perplexed by sex and relationships. This is why I really wish Mr. Savage would keep political advocacy out of his columns. Passions run too high, and it is a distraction from what he does best.
Posted by TWJ on April 8, 2009 at 8:43 AM · Report this
stopthesilly wrote:

HOWEVER, you do not bring out that point when you want something from someone. Its just common sense. "I'm Against things that are value to your core... here's my problem, help me, k? thx!"
Totally off-topic, but this sums up George W. Bush's approach to foreign policy perfectly. Well done, sir or madam.
Posted by Robin on April 8, 2009 at 8:44 AM · Report this
How large was this cache of sex toys, DAD? How long have they been disappearing, before you noticed? Where did you think you'd been putting them? We want details. You are a good father.

Great, GREAT advice, Dan!
Posted by G. Brooks on April 8, 2009 at 8:54 AM · Report this
That DAD letter reminds me of something that happened in 1975. I was helping to deliver/install air conditioners for [a huge retail outfit] in south Florida. At one house we were working in the bedroom, when I noticed something prominently displayed on the dresser. It was a 6-8" white plastic Vigin Mary which, when seen from the back, was very obviously a dildo/vibrator. I must have stared at it for two seconds (about a second-and-a-half too long), and when I looked up into the face of the dark, short-haired milf whose house it was, I could only stammer, "That's cute." She smiled slightly and nodded. Nothing more was said, and we quickly finished putting in the A/C and left. I've wondered for decades if I missed a great opportunity there, and I've "relieved my stress" over the incident many times since. Best wishes to all.
Posted by Timmytee on April 8, 2009 at 8:56 AM · Report this

Dan has a long-standing tradition of making an acronym out of the words a person signs themself off with. In this case, the person identified himself as DAD, since it doesn't take much reading of Savage Love to figure out this practice.

additionally, he usually/often has to cut some letters down in size, it may be that DAD included other information identifying himself as the father.
Posted by tal on April 8, 2009 at 9:05 AM · Report this
I googled cross shaped dildo w/ jesus but got nothing.
Any ideas where ?
Posted by pinchegabacho on April 8, 2009 at 9:50 AM · Report this
Well said to FACE. What a jerk.
Dan, about your 2nd post, I'm not too sure I agree. Sometimes I simply feel that when my partner jerks off while I'm around the house, when I want some... He is not able to give it to me because he cannot get a hard on because he just finished blowing his load... Normally he would be extremely horny and this totally gives away the fact that he just jerked off... If I'm in the house, I'd rather him just come fuck the shit outta me no matter where I am or what I'm doing... it'd be so hot if he stopped me from cleaning the house or something and would just throw me on the kitchen counter, bend me over and start banging me.

And for your first post.. LMFAO.
Posted by chublove4life on April 8, 2009 at 10:00 AM · Report this
I think JO's wife's problem may have more to do with WHAT he's using to masterbate with than the masterbation itself. I have found myself in that form of jealousy in the past and if he was using his MIND and fantasies, it didn't bother me, but photos/videos of other women did. It really had more to do with the fact that he was jerking off alone with images of other women when I'd really much rather have him involve me. This was when we had a fairly dry sex life. Now that we're really quite active, his solo activities, no matter what he uses, don't bother me.
Posted by ss on April 8, 2009 at 10:00 AM · Report this
Jade- it's true that it doesn't fix the situation, but it can clear your head and give your brain the ability to focus and relax. Just like some people exercise to clear their head.

Just last night I had a bit of an anxiety attack and restless legs that wouldn't let me sleep until I had an orgasm and then I was _out_. I often use orgasms as my sleep-aid.

Oh- and I'm a chick AND I think this is just common sense. However, I also started reading Dan's column- as any good Badger did- in the Onion in 1994, when I was 18. So maybe I'm ahead of most women on that front for that reason.

So, thanks, Dan! Without you I'd have: 1) spontaneously combusted, 2) had an array of STDs, and 3) way more emotional trauma from getting sexually involved when I wasn't ready or had unrealistic expectations.
Posted by S-Lo on April 8, 2009 at 10:04 AM · Report this

If I hadn't just spent $30 on a jackrabbit, I'd totally get one!
Posted by Bee on April 8, 2009 at 10:10 AM · Report this
Some people on here think gay marriage is about to catch fire all over the country. Wake up. 29 states ban gay marriage in their constitutions. We are a couple generations away from being able to amend state constitutions. 14 more ban gay marriage by law, and most did so relatively recently with healthy margins.

Iowa will amend its constituion to ban in a couple years, and California's ban will hold up for quite a while. If we're lucky we'll end up with half a dozen states that allow it, almost all of them small ones in the northeast. And that'll be it for a long, long time.
Posted by anonymous on April 8, 2009 at 10:22 AM · Report this
It seems that despite the differences, FACE was reaching across the aisle. Given his question, I would hazard a guess that he is not a puritan.

It is really too bad that FACE has to be treated as an enemy instead of a fellow traveler fascinated and perplexed by sex and relationships. This is why I really wish Mr. Savage would keep political advocacy out of his columns. Passions run too high, and it is a distraction from what he does best.

Posted by TWJ on April 8, 2009 at 8:43 AM

Yer a douche. A mindless douche. Your namby pamby, can't we all get along attitude offends me much more than FACE's bigotry. Seriously, FACE knows he's an asshole at some level. You are a clueless gunt with nothing to offer anyone. STFU.
Posted by anonymous on April 8, 2009 at 10:29 AM · Report this
Robin: RE: your statement "because if I don't like seeing cum, I sure don't want to see it coming at my face at 60 mph. (He's fixed, so it'd be clear, not white, but that's not the point.) It was dark, and I kept my eyes closed. Glad we got that out of the way."
When men are "fixed", their spooge doesn't become clear, you dummy. you better inspect and report back.
Posted by ribs on April 8, 2009 at 10:29 AM · Report this
If the sex is already good and she's game for most everything else, don't ruin it by harping on the facials. Most women find them degrading. Personally not a fan of cum in my hair and in my eyes, nose, etc. I will occasionally let a partner do them, but it is entirely for him not for me.
Posted by Bailey on April 8, 2009 at 10:45 AM · Report this
Fuck off FACE! My wife hasn't blown me in over a year and you get to shoot your wad everywhere but one place. Get bent you fuckin' discriminating douche!
Posted by Harry on April 8, 2009 at 10:50 AM · Report this
Wow, the audacity of FACE! Poetic justice would be FACE's dick falling off while trying to give his wife a facial.
Posted by mimi on April 8, 2009 at 11:09 AM · Report this
I thought Dan's use of
"I'll toss in" was very appropriate.

Robbin: being fixed doesn't make semen clear.
Posted by NotAJudge on April 8, 2009 at 11:10 AM · Report this
JO's situation is about control AND punishment. He can subvert the control by being deceitful, but what about his penance? From where I sit it seems like the price of staying in the relationship is acceptance of her restrictions. He does have two choices, but they are: pack his bags, or accept his fate.
Posted by theSafeWord on April 8, 2009 at 11:46 AM · Report this
Response to DAD...

UM...why was the whole CREEPY factor left out? What 16-year-old son wants to use one of their parents'dildos? I don't care if the kid was just super curious or was too ashamed to purchase his own...that is downright CREEPY! Neither DAD nor Dan Savage mentioned that!!
Posted by Develange on April 8, 2009 at 11:50 AM · Report this
"That's because you're not a man who has sex with women."

Touche. I know it's rare, but I don't want to believe it. It didn't take much for me to do it (just Dan's preaching, and a bit of common sense) so I fail to understand why so many women hate it or refuse to do it. (1) It's really, really not so bad that any adult woman can't teach herself to be OK with it (like all other tastes acquired with age -- coffee, raw fish, etc.), and (2) I'd find it deeply hurtful if my boyfriend ran to the bathroom sputtering and spitting every time after going down on me.
Posted by Gloria on April 8, 2009 at 12:16 PM · Report this
Hilarious Dan,love your response to FACE.I'm against gay marriage too but I agree that facials are degrading and would NEVER allow it.
Posted by smokeywhisper on April 8, 2009 at 12:27 PM · Report this
@ Jade - no.
Posted by Jocelyn on April 8, 2009 at 12:34 PM · Report this

FACE's comments were completely unnecessary and were obviously going to elicit that type of reaction given Dan's stance and earlier articles. FACE was just stupid for bring it up.

While I appreciate your sticking up for FACE I think you're giving FACE a lot more credit than the asshole deserves. He said reading this column is like car wreck...i.e. he looks down on all the people who write in because they're lives are messed up. That's not cool. Don't write asking for help all high and mighty. Read Dan to learn something. FACE is an idiot. Stop sticking up for him.
Posted by ace on April 8, 2009 at 12:34 PM · Report this
FACE, I'm a married woman who welcomes my husband's semen on my chest and occasionally in the mouth, but not the face. We sorted it out a long time ago: I said that the night he lets me piss on his face is the first time he'll get to come on my face. He's just happy that I'm not asking to piss on his chest or in his mouth.
Posted by haaaley on April 8, 2009 at 12:38 PM · Report this
I love you I love you I love you I love you I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!!
I particularly love your last response!!!
That's all :)
<3 Emily
Posted by Emily on April 8, 2009 at 12:40 PM · Report this
Thanks for the shout out to Iowa. We're glad to help shed the image of a bunch of hicks. And remember, the Iowa Caucuses started Obama on the road to the White House. Just wish he'd change his stance on LGBT rights.

If JO's wife might be concerned about his feelings for her, after all the jerk did cheat, he should ask if he can masturbate to her. She could hold him while he jos or do a little strip tease, flash a little breast or whatever. That way she is reassured that it is her that he is horny for.

Or just take a long shower each day. Unless she's in there with you, she'll never know.
Posted by bob on April 8, 2009 at 12:42 PM · Report this
So, one time when I was younger my parents were mentioning a present they had gotten for my grandparents. I asked what it was, and they said, "You don't want to know." Well, I was like 13 or 14 and so of course now I had to know, and I bugged them and bugged them... until they showed me the small jar of chocolate body licking sauce... that they had bought for my grandparents... Suffice to say, I have never since pushed when they said I didn't want to know.
Posted by Steve on April 8, 2009 at 1:38 PM · Report this
Jade--ownlee moroones speel eet meesterbatetion
Posted by Mr. Gumby on April 8, 2009 at 2:04 PM · Report this
@jade What's up with the whole quick nap thing to relieve tiredness? Wouldn't it be better, albeit more difficult, to try to examine head-on the underlying issues to our being tired?
Posted by Constant Napper on April 8, 2009 at 2:04 PM · Report this
Well done. Maybe his wife would be more open to facials if they were liberals? Just a thought
Posted by shannon on April 8, 2009 at 2:21 PM · Report this
And to FACE, the "chutzpah of the century" award: not just denying Dan et al. their rights but actually asking for Dan's help. Beyond belief! May your body change such that you're perpetually aroused and never able to achieve orgasm, and may your inner grossness be manifest so that no one will touch you. Oh, and long life!
Posted by I hate only the haters on April 8, 2009 at 2:22 PM · Report this
"invites conversations that he doesn't want to have with his dad."

A good T-shirt slogan but a questionable hypothesis in these days of Jerry Springer, reality shows and Twitter
Posted by H-Bob on April 8, 2009 at 2:33 PM · Report this
Is there really such a thing as a crucifix shaped dildo? The letter sounds fake to me. If it isn't then the world is a bit stranger than I thought!
Posted by Red on April 8, 2009 at 2:38 PM · Report this
Oh, TWJ, you sad little moron. Nothing that we humans do is separable from politics -- that's what living in society entails. We can't buy everything we want (lots of stuff is illegal or regulated), we can't do everything we want (I'd like to empty the bank account of every AIG executive, but laws prevent me from doing so; some people probably want to see dogs drive cars, but that's illegal, too; and so on). And despite your weird, blustery attempt to argue "logically" (I loathe and never use Internet acronyms, but for you I'll make an exception: LMFAO) that both sides are attempting to impose their views on one another, the reality is that hetero marriage is allowed everywhere but in most places homo marriage isn't, thanks to a frightening coalition of social and political conservatives. As other backwards laws have fallen, so will this one; until it does, reasonable people (don't worry, that label excludes you) will argue for progress.

C'mon. You know this (the current marriage reality), and you know that relationships -- the stuff about which Dan gives such masterful advice, as you've acknowledged -- are inherently about marriage (their either do or don't end in it). So stop wasting everyone's time with your disingenuous crap. Oh, and while you're at it, how about a little therapy to find out why you're so threatened by the idea of an equitable society?
Posted by Still hatin' the haters on April 8, 2009 at 2:59 PM · Report this
Am I the only one who watched Lucy, daughter of the Devil? One of the first episodes was about a crucifix-shaped dildo with jesus on it. Seriously. You can find it on iTunes (under adult swim).
Posted by I spend to much on Apple merch. on April 8, 2009 at 3:06 PM · Report this
"I disagree with your stance on religion and I'm against homosexual marriage."
"She finds that repulsive.. She says it's degrading."

Coincidence? This guy is suffering from his own sex-negative philosophy of shame! Aww... poor baby.

Tip: If you want a rewarding and fulfilling sex life, be willing to let others have it too.
Posted by Paul F on April 8, 2009 at 3:28 PM · Report this
I wouldn't mind a facial, but you have to clean up afterwards and that is just a pain in the ass- do I seriously have to scrub my face and wash my hair after sex? I can barely stand having to take a shower, what a pain! You should be able to sit back and relax after your big finish, not jump up and clean to make sure it doesn't crust on your eyelashes or run into your ears. Just unpleasant. I'd let him do it if it was a deal breaker for him, but otherwise, un uh, that would just ruin sex for me.
Posted by a on April 8, 2009 at 3:43 PM · Report this
Crucidildo. Words cannot express how grateful I am to you for this new addition to my vocabulary. BRILLIANT!!!!
Posted by crucidildoist on April 8, 2009 at 3:47 PM · Report this
oh yes, there are crucifix shaped dildos. having recently (this weekend) just visited sexapalooza, there are a raft of random, sometimes completely wrong shaped dildos available.

(wrong shape meaning i see no way for either sex to actually get PLEASURE from these. a starfish? ouch, dammit.)

all three letters got spot on advice dan - especially FACE. were someone to admit that they've been actively, and successfully attempting to deny me a right, then ask me advice on something, they'd get much the same response.
Posted by stale on April 8, 2009 at 3:56 PM · Report this
FACE: Really, you shouldn't worry about shooting your load all over your wife's face because you shouldn't be engaging in sodomy (Merriam-Webster definition: anal or oral copulation with a member of the same or opposite sex), as it is a sinful activity that will surely send you straight to the fiery pits of hell. Of course, you may be typical of those on the religious right who pick and choose their mortal sins, but I think that makes your ilk even more reprehensible.

You're just as kinky as the next guy, FACE, but you think it's o.k. for you because you're married to a good Christian woman. But you aren't a sinner because you are opposed to gay marriage. Hell, you probably even agree with the blessed Pope's recent murderous tirade refuting the scientifically irrefutable value of condoms in HIV prevention. Turns my stomach. Sorry, but I don't have much sympathy for you.
Posted by olympia1970 on April 8, 2009 at 4:01 PM · Report this
I know that letters are shortened but how did you know that the toys belonged to Dad and not MOM did I miss a gender reference ???
Posted by VMS on April 8, 2009 at 4:03 PM · Report this
It may be a gay thing, but I prefer swallowing my partners cum. Although sometimes if I'm sucking on his balls, I'll let him come all over my face..... maybe I'm just too lazy to move back up to his cock.

And as for masturbating? We both like to do it to porn.... together and alone.

To quote another one from Woody Allen, "Masturbation, it's sex with someone I love."
Posted by Bigbear on April 8, 2009 at 4:11 PM · Report this
What, pray tell, is a "gunt"?
Call it quaint (or academic), but I subscribe to the ideal where one can passionately disagree with someone's ideas without actually hating the person. You may already know this, but hurling personal insults is not a very effective way to persuade those who do not already agree with you.

On reflection, you are right. The "car wreck" pushed it over the top. If FACE had ended on a flattering note, though, the overall tone would have been different. Still, I stand by my original position that Mr. Savage's decision to run the letter and give that response was childish. "I know the ultimate technique but I am not telling, because FACE is mean" is ... disappointing.

@Still hatin' the haters
Sadly, nearly everything is politicized these days (it does not have to be that way, though). I have no objections to Mr. Savage's columns that have political implications (e.g. telling a man to cheat on his wife). Rather, it is when he interrupts the advice to comment on some unrelated political issue (e.g. some candidate or ballot measure) that it gets unnecessarily political.

I am not particularly interested in debating the merits of same-sex marriage here. Anything short of full support, by any means necessary, as quickly as possible is bound to be immensely unpopular here. I am sure my own relatively neutral stance will please no one. Rather, I object to the responses that anyone who disagrees is hateful, stupid, or crazy. Is this really any different from religious fundamentalists who believe anyone who disagrees is evil?
Posted by TWJ on April 8, 2009 at 4:24 PM · Report this
Hey all, you can get crucifix dildos w/Jesus on them (glow in the dark being one of the many available colors) at Divine Interventions.… They have a whole lot of other religious-themed sex toys, too!
Posted by rin on April 8, 2009 at 4:28 PM · Report this
Ugh, I cannot believe the advice to DAD. In my opinion it is sexual abuse to make your kids listen to you talk about your own sex life or your own sex toys against their will. Too creepy and incestuous for words. Yes every parent should make sure their kids have good information about sex and safety, but for god's sake print it out so he can READ it, don't try to walk him through it verbally. He'll likely be so embarrassed he won't be listening anyway. Confront the kid about stealing the dildo, sure. That's embarrassment enough. Draw out a long and graphic conversation about his/your masturbatory life? Nuh uh. Bad Dan.
Posted by That's gross on April 8, 2009 at 5:08 PM · Report this
Woohoo you tell FACE off Dan, love it! Who the hell does that jerk think he is (love your column but dislike a lot about it, disagree with you wanting to be happy with your partner and have rights, etc...and oh could you help me with a sex prob?) Go F yourself FACE jeez...
Posted by concon on April 8, 2009 at 5:18 PM · Report this
For those who might really believe Dan knows a surefire way to get a woman to let a man come on her face...I assure you he does not. Furthermore, I assure you Dan does not actually think he knows such a technique, because Dan is too smart for that. He is just taunting the letter writer (you want the candy? I have the candy and you can't have it!) and being entertaining.

And anyone who knows Dan, knows that Dan printed the last letter precisely because it gives him an opportunity to make a political point while still talking about something sexy like facials. The moral of the day kids is that those who are societally privileged and see nothing wrong with denying others that privilege have no right to ask favors from the ones they oppress.

Posted by keep being political, Dan on April 8, 2009 at 5:19 PM · Report this
Wow Dan. What the hell is wrong with you this week? Normally, Dan, your advice totally rocks. Is this a belated April Fools column this week? Your advice is just plain BAD. That would be “BAD” as in dreadful, wrong and to be, hopefully, ignored.

Re DAD: This is a conversation you are not going to enjoy and which will hang like a cloud over your relationship with your son for a long time. That’s a long time as in: “for YEARS”. So here’s the way out: DO NOTHING. Pretend it never happened and let it slide. He's too young to buy ‘em on his own - he's not going to be in a position to steal somebody else's, (probably ever) and there is very little to be gained here by way of a safe sex discussion, either, that he is not going to be exposed to on the Internet over and over again. He knows DAD – he just figures his Dad is safe. There are discussions Fathers and sons can have about sex that may be beneficial to their relationship. Anal toys is not going to be one of those discussions. PLEASE Do yourself and your son a favour and PLEASE ignore Dan's advice. PLEASE. Let this slide and put ‘em back where the thief stole ‘em and never raise the issue. Let it go.

Re JERK OFF: Let’s get this part right out in the open. Your wife is a jealous bitch and she’s WAY over the line here. What’s really going on is that she's not upset about you masturbating; she's upset about the thought of you masturbating and *thinking of someone else*. So if you want to fix this – I suggest you go to the source. Next time you are having sex...stop. Don’t come in her. Back off and masturbate for several minutes with her right there with you. Tell her, either then or later, how when you jerk off, you are *always* thinking of her; how you always have this fantasy about coming on her tits and her pretty face. Make her think this is a hugely hot fantasy of yours you have lusted over for *years* and her face plays the starring role. She may say yes. If so, go for it and hotly whisper its praises for weeks. Wash rinse and repeat this event several times. If she says no - you still win. That way, she'll be thinking you are jerking off fantasizing about coming on her face. THEN you can take Dan's advice and do it anyway - and she's far less likely to care when she suspects you are and may get comfortable with the idea, generally, if she allows herself to believe the lie you are thinking about her as you do it.

FACE: I don't like your politics much either and the Sadist in me wants to ensure that you don't enjoy a facial, ever.

The decent man in me, however, needs to object to facials being characterized as degrading, per se. Screw you Dan Savage. No they aren't. I've been into D/s for over 23 years. I have done DOZENS of things intended to humiliate a submissive. But I don't come on a girls' face to degrade her or as humiliation play or as a power game - ever. I'm a straight male and I happen to think that a woman's face is beautiful. It's sexy. Like her ass, her breasts or her pussy. It excites me to come on all three of those areas and the face is no different. In many ways - it's much better because it's far more personal and intimate.

So FACE, explain to your wife this isn't about humiliation, it's about the fact that you find her so god damned pretty it excites you. Just how she LOOKS makes you hard as a rock. Explain that watching her eyes at the time you do this forms an intimate connection that you want and have fantasized over for years.

And after all of this, if she still says no, well, you can always get together with Jerk Off and compare notes.

Posted by onsecondthought on April 8, 2009 at 5:28 PM · Report this
Way to go on that last one Dan. Here's to you from an Iowan who's very proud of his state!
Posted by ProudIoweegian on April 8, 2009 at 5:41 PM · Report this
Jade, you are missing out you poor thing. Sometimes the band aid solution is all you have, and so much more fun.
Posted by Trish on April 8, 2009 at 6:36 PM · Report this
Take your head out of your ass, TWJ. It's neither "quaint" nor "academic" to puff yourself up like a rancid melon in self-congratulation over your fence-perching on the gay marriage issue.

This is what your arrogant "neutral" attitude looks like to anyone with half a brain: a group of bullies at a school are deliberately preventing a small, quiet kid from talking to other kids and making friends at recess. Some teachers say the bullying is good, because little Joey needs to learn to be tough like the bullies. Some are saying it is bad, because little Joey has a right to play with his other classmates without being bullied. And along comes your brilliant ass down the middle of the road, suggesting that while perhaps the bullies are imposing on little Joey's right to associate freely, in a way little Joey is the one trying to forcefully impose *his* will to have a normal social life on the bullies' legitimate belief that little Joey should not have friends. When you think about it *logically,* little Joey is just as mean and uncompromising as the bullies! Little Joey should try to look at it from the bullies' perspective and try to understand why some people might feel differently than Joey does about his "right" to *force* other people to let him make friends.

Sheesh. Seriously, does that little illustration give you any idea of how much of a *cunt* (with a C, just like you like it!) you look when you try to claim the high ground with your inane false equivalencies?
Posted by Duh wha? on April 8, 2009 at 6:42 PM · Report this
I had to read that last response out loud to my husband. It was soooo spot on!
Posted by Saint_Genet on April 8, 2009 at 7:09 PM · Report this
The DAD letter is the best letter and the best response EVER, and I've been reading you for,what, 20 years now?
Posted by Senket on April 8, 2009 at 7:31 PM · Report this
The first letter sounds like a neoconservative fetish fantasy to me. The dad with the glow-in-the-dark crucifix dildo found out his son swiped it? Right.

I agree with Clarity's advice over Dan's. Recommending deceit as a solution to a sensitive problem is not going to go a long way toward sustaining their relationship.
Posted by Rick on April 8, 2009 at 7:46 PM · Report this
TWJ: "From what I have read, both sides feel that the other is imposing its values, feel under attack, and are quite passionate about the subject. . . It seems that despite the differences, FACE was reaching across the aisle. Given his question, I would hazard a guess that he is not a puritan."

I realize that conservative straights who are opposed to same-sex marriage love to CLAIM that gays, lesbians and libertarian straights who support it are "imposing their values" on the conservative straights. Or, in some cases, perhaps they actually feel that way. But their claims or feelings don't equate to reality. The reality is that those who support same-sex marriage aren't attempting to prevent different-sex marriage while many people who support different-sex marriage ARE trying -- feverishly so -- to prevent same-sex marriage. Only the anti-same-sex marriage side is trying to impose their values on the other side. That's the fundamental difference.

FACE may very not be a puritan in the sense of only liking plain vanilla, missionary sex. But not being a puritan in bed doesn't mean you're going to be open-minded about sexuality in general.

Gloria: "Touche. I know it's rare, but I don't want to believe it. It didn't take much for me to do it (just Dan's preaching, and a bit of common sense) so I fail to understand why so many women hate it or refuse to do it. (1) It's really, really not so bad that any adult woman can't teach herself to be OK with it and (2) I'd find it deeply hurtful if my boyfriend ran to the bathroom sputtering and spitting every time after going down on me."

Merci for the Touche. Regarding #2, I do think there's a big difference between a man coming in a woman's mouth and a woman coming while a man's going down on her. Unless a woman is one of the rare ones who ejaculates (they do exist; I've been with one...and I loved it!) a guy isn't going to have his mouth flooded with bodily fluids that he has to either swallow or spit out.

However, I completely agree with you about #1 (and bravo to you for being willing to do it.) Like you, I fail to understand why so many women hate it or refuse to do it. If I was a woman, I'd definitely do it for my man, as long as he did what I wanted to do. And I love drinking in as much as I can from a woman when she comes. It's incredibily erotic.

Posted by JD on April 8, 2009 at 7:53 PM · Report this
I can't wait for the movie Crucidildo Dundee.
Posted by JD on April 8, 2009 at 7:55 PM · Report this
To Jerk Off: Make a deal with your wife. You won't masturbate while she's in the house, if she'll give you (at least) a hand job whenever you want one.
She keeps the deal, you get equivalent "action", and she doesn't feel cheated on. She breaks the deal (or releases you from it because she's sick of being pestered [g]), you can wank in the house with a clear conscience.
Though, in either case, cleanup is your responsibility, I'd say.
Posted by Melissa T on April 8, 2009 at 8:16 PM · Report this
come on, dan, your snarky self is great, but honestly, telling the guy to lie about masturbating? he'll get caught, the relationship will be screwed. Also, I do think lying is good sometimes, but for something as stupid as this-either she just needs to deal or he has a real problem. Either way, lying doesn't help.
Posted by k on April 8, 2009 at 8:52 PM · Report this
"While I've wondered how it was possible to misplace a glow-in-the-dark crucifix-shaped dildo (complete with Jesus in relief), it never dawned on me that it might be an inside job."

What did he think--that someone was breaking into his house and taking his sex toys? Or has he had a parade of lovers whom he thought had been taking them as souvenirs?

To the people hoping Dan will spill the details about techniques for taking a woman into accepting a facewash: I sincerely doubt Dan knows how to convince a woman to cave in, because if a woman is repulsed by the idea, she probably won't change her mind about it.

Even if he does know something that might work, though, you'll have to email him and request more details. As far as anyone knows, he doesn't read these comments.

This is my favorite column that Dan's written in quite some time.

I don't think the whole United States will have granted gays the right to marry each other within the next few years, unless a case lands in front of an amenable Supreme Court. I do think it's likely to happen within the next twenty years or so, though, as the old fogies start dying off, and the younger, more accepting generations start getting elected to higher office.

In the meantime, Dan can go on about the issue as much as he wants, as long as he doesn't stop giving out rocking sex advice. If you don't like his political rants, skip 'em already!
Posted by Tired of the Haters on April 8, 2009 at 8:53 PM · Report this
Ok, so I stole my mom's vibrator as a young teen.

As a teenager, I didn't think of my parents as sexual people. It barely occured to me that she might notice it was gone. After all, I'd never seen her use this "body" massager, and I thought myself so sly in my plans to use such a common household item as an orgasm aid.

That my mom might also wish to use it as an orgasm aid really hadn't crossed my mind until she found it tucked next to my bed and asked me about it.

I was mortified. I gave her a hurried answer and promptly ducked the subject. And that was all it took for me to be aware that such things taken might be missed.

I washed it, put it back where I had found it, and used my paper route money to go get my own "body" massager from the local drug store.
Posted by It's still one of my favs on April 8, 2009 at 9:06 PM · Report this
If I were DAD, I'd just clip this column and leave it on his son's dinner plate...

JO - I feel so sorry for you...

FACE - perhaps you should volunteer to give some head and let the guy give you a facial... then let's see how you feel about the subject...

Iowa and Vermont... Way to go!
Posted by Fridley Matt on April 8, 2009 at 9:27 PM · Report this

Once again, you ROCK AGAIN!

Direct bullseye advice for DAD, and kudos, too, for your right-on answer to FACE.

I love your column!
Posted by auntie grizelda on April 8, 2009 at 9:40 PM · Report this
To FACE: Maybe the bible can help you. God didn't give us the bible just for persecuting gays, you know. There's plenty in there about wives doing whatever we tell them. If you can't find anything specific about blowing a load on the Mrs., at least you have Paul saying "Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands." Read that to your disobedient wife, and explain that she can't enter the kingdom of heaven without your semen on her face.
Posted by yuiop on April 9, 2009 at 1:27 AM · Report this
Dan!!! Once again, you ROCK!!!

Sound advice to both DAD and FACE.

I live for your column.
Posted by auntie grizelda on April 9, 2009 at 3:09 AM · Report this
Yuiop, were you paying attention to Dan's response to FACE?


Posted by auntie grizelda on April 9, 2009 at 3:17 AM · Report this
JO - The wife is still tender about your affair. You blew it. Her confidence is shot - it will take time. If you lie to her and get caught, you're really up the creek. How important is she to you? Something to think about.
Posted by KD on April 9, 2009 at 3:35 AM · Report this
The wife who is controlling her man's masturbation needs a friggin' reality check. Masturbation is NOT cheating. It does relieve stress and it does relieve horniness. It's her problem, not his.
Posted by Cindy on April 9, 2009 at 5:08 AM · Report this
For the last guy:

Tell your wife to close her eyes when you come so she won't get sperm in them. And for pity's sake, don't get sperm up her nose or she won't be able to breathe.
Posted by none on April 9, 2009 at 5:08 AM · Report this
I may be going out on a limb here, but I think it's possible the kid stole his dad's dildo not to use it on himself, but because he's grossed out that his dad is using it, and stealing it will somehow prevent his dad from getting anal pleasure.

This would mean, of course, that the subsequent talk the dad needs to have with his son would involve either coming out to him, or explaining the concept of pegging. Good luck.
Posted by wayne&amp;amp;#39;s world on April 9, 2009 at 5:56 AM · Report this
For anyone who still thinks FACE was trying to pay Dan a compliment, here's how that would have looked:

"I disagree with your stance on religion and I'm against homosexual marriage. But I love reading your column: You give fantastic advice."

Notice the subtle difference there?
Posted by anonymous on April 9, 2009 at 6:20 AM · Report this
Great response to FACE! Was unaware you had a stance toward religion other than "whatever, as long as it doesn't infringe on my rights". We'd be so much better off if everyone had this stance.
Posted by rayy on April 9, 2009 at 7:16 AM · Report this
Bad Advice to JO. Why does it either have to be lying or asking permission? To me, masturbation is out of bounds as for as activities that parners get to grant permission for-it's a part of one's own personal sexuality. I think it would be better to tell her honestly that she can't control that part of your life and keep doing it. Explain to her that it's not about her, that you need to do it and if that doesn't make her feel any better about it, tell her that's too bad because there are some aspects of a partner's life that one has no right to control no matter how they feel. She might be mad, but that is so much better than deceit.
Posted by Elizabeth on April 9, 2009 at 8:41 AM · Report this
A glow-in-the-dark-with-attached-Jesus butt toy? Bullshit. Either you or your letter writer added that anti-Christian "detail" as a cheap swipe at what you describe as right wing bigots. (Other than that - excellent advice). Dan, you are a left wing bigot, and you differ not a whit from the right wing variety: sure in the righteousness of your beliefs, it is OK to slander and slam the "other". I say a big "fuck you" to both left AND right wing bigots.
Posted by Not a bigot on April 9, 2009 at 9:05 AM · Report this
What about the great state of VT, Dan? A sufficient number of our lawmakers listened to the will of the people, and overturned that conservative homophobe Jim Douglas' veto against same-sex marriage ... in case you missed it.
Posted by Kitt on April 9, 2009 at 9:47 AM · Report this

I'm not quite willing to quit my job, move to the wilderness and forsake all wants and desires just yet.

Otherwise, gonna have stress. Hippie new age touchy-feely methods work for some people, wacking off while taking a shot and smoking a cigarette work for others.
Posted by fonay on April 9, 2009 at 10:01 AM · Report this
I have to disagree Dan on one point here. Facials are not degrading. For me they are a compliment, a way of telling my partner that she is pretty and lovable. I can think of no more clear way to express this to her than a nice facial. Fortunately I am married to a woman who agrees with me.

If facials were about degradation I'd find them nauseous. Any quality facial is about quite the opposite.
Posted by DisplayName on April 9, 2009 at 10:10 AM · Report this
I'm a wife who doesn't think facials are degrading. As long as he can aim well enough to keep it out of my hair and eyes, he can blow on my face all he wants.
Posted by Secure on April 9, 2009 at 10:20 AM · Report this
RE: Not a bigot

Perhaps Dan threw a little humorous detail into the mix to make the story more interesting. And maybe he did it to take a dig at religious zealots, but he has every right to do so. His actions are in self defense. You see, there is one enormous difference between Dan's "righteousness" and that of the religious right. All Dan wants is to be left the hell alone to live his life in peace, to raise his kid, and to marry the person he loves. Unlike the religious right, he's not encouraging discrimination against anyone. He's not trying to deny the rights of marriage and parenthood to right-wing nutjobs. He's not condemning anyone for their sexual practices or lifestyles, but only for their hypocrisy and needless meddling. Dan is not a bigot because, unlike those on the religious right, he is not hurting anyone. But no one can blame him for his righteous anger at a group that demonizes him and all other gays and lesbians.

I've been reading Dan's column for almost 15 years, and even though I no longer live in Seattle or hang out on Broadway, and am a married mother with a professional career, I still take a break every Wednesday to read his new post online. I love him for his sharp wit, humorous writing, and his tremendous nerve. He's not afraid to tell the truth, and I believe he is a champion in the gay-rights movement. I also believe that all decent people, be they straight or gay, have an obligation to respect each other, to work protect each other's rights, and to tolerate our differences. Dan does this with panache. The religious right works to do the opposite, and attempts to justify its bigotry by evoking god. Dan ain't no bigot, and all I can say is "you go, Dan."
Posted by olympia1970 on April 9, 2009 at 10:21 AM · Report this
you guys.

FACE is TOTALLY Mark Driscoll.

holy shit he is writing letters to Dan Savage!
Posted by abigail on April 9, 2009 at 10:37 AM · Report this
Jade, are you serious?
Posted by Sarah on April 9, 2009 at 10:37 AM · Report this
mark driscoll totally is FACE
Posted by abigail on April 9, 2009 at 10:43 AM · Report this
The dildo is real. Anyone who wants to see it (or buy one) can click the below not safe for work link.…

And it's also silicone, which means, that that it can be sterilized by boiling, and shared safely sans condoms.

Not that I would want to use a dildo I knew my son had been using...
Posted by Anarfea on April 9, 2009 at 10:53 AM · Report this
Dan, I LOVE YOU!!! I love how you told off that homophobic jerk! You give the best advice and have expanded my way of thinking about relationships, love, and sex. You're awesome!
Posted by Kate on April 9, 2009 at 11:00 AM · Report this
How is Dan's response to FACE any different from the poor, oppressed doctors who don't want to be forced to treat patients that disagree with their beliefs?

Oh, that's right, Dan didn't swear a sacred oath to help all those who need it.
Posted by Do unto others on April 9, 2009 at 11:00 AM · Report this
Oh, TWJ, you sad little moronic faux-logic-wielding bigot. You wrote, "Rather, I object to the responses that anyone who disagrees is hateful, stupid, or crazy. Is this really any different from religious fundamentalists who believe anyone who disagrees is evil?"

Uh, is there a difference between the enslaved and the slave-owners/slave-traders? D-uh, I dunno!

Let's spell it out. In this "debate" (qmarks because we shouldn't be spending even half a breath on this topic about the most fundamental human right: whom we love), one set wants rights for everyone; one set wants rights for only a select handful. The latter stance is hateful, and hate springs from a wounded or unbalanced psyche. So yes, the openminded are entirely justified in labeling your pathology.

And an FYI to respondents of your ilk: There's no such thing as a left-wing bigot -- can't be, given the definition of "left-wing." Do feel free to use the tired "left-wing extremist" label, since your kind thinks that equal rights for all is an extreme position, but an openminded person who wants freedom for everyone isn't a bigot. And responding angrily to a rights-denying bigot about his bigotry isn't at all the same thing as *being* a bigot. (See above, enslaved vs. enslaving -- world o' difference.)

T[aunting]W[ounded]J[erk], you write in complete sentences, so you're bright/educated enough to know all of this. Since intelligence/education isn't the issue, puniness of psyche/spirit is; a good therapist and a good (truly good/divine) spiritual leader can help you connect with your full personhood. Really! And *don't* *worry* -- you don't actually have to become gay or black or Jewish or a woman in order to support equal rights for all those undesirables.
Posted by Oh, ENOUGH already! on April 9, 2009 at 11:02 AM · Report this
So FACE wants advice on how to committ sodomy? Isn't that his problem with gay marriage? Why should the state recognize his sodomous relationship, but not those of gay people? Isn't he only contributing to the downfall of civilization by severing the link between marriage and procreation?
Posted by Elizabeth on April 9, 2009 at 11:39 AM · Report this
Good column, as always.
For Face: I'm betting you only want it because she doesn't, hence the appeal of it. It *is* degrading. Now, while that's hot in a 'not gonna think about it after the load is blown' way, to her it'd apparantly be a much bigger deal, happy this is the only 'problem' you have in your sex life.
Posted by Taomist on April 9, 2009 at 11:58 AM · Report this
I'm straight and completely support marriage equality. What's the fail-proof 100 percent-guarenteed pro-facial arguments?
Posted by Gage on April 9, 2009 at 12:02 PM · Report this
Jesus dildos exist, for those wondering:…
Posted by jesus dildo land on April 9, 2009 at 12:15 PM · Report this
RE: Oh, ENOUGH already!

I agree with almost everything you said, except for the part that there is no such thing as a left-wing bigot. For example, not long ago, I read about a group left-wing bigots who prevented a group of African Americans students opposed to affirmative action from presenting their views at a university forum supposedly dedicated to open discussion. I call them left-wing bigots because they used their political views to shut down the right of expression of those who they opposed (and that has nothing to do with the argument over affirmative action, which I am merely using as an example). I've also known left-wing bigots who curse and mock women who choose to carry Down Syndrome babies to term because of their religious views. Simply put, these are very bigoted responses to these issues.

It is dangerous for any group to decide that it is above bigotry. We all know homophobia and white racism are real problems, but there are blacks who hate whites and target individual whites because of their hatred. There are gays who hate straights and won't hire them or rent to them. There are Asian who hate blacks and won't let them shop in their stores. The list goes on, and don't try to defend it as understandable backlash. There is no moral equivalency left-wing argument that ever justifies discrimination against or an attack on an innocent person. And everyone, left-wing, right-wing, gay, black, you name it, is capable of bigotry. I just don't think Dan is a bigot, as this is his forum where he doesn't guarantee equal representation of opinions, and he does his damndest to be extremely open-minded anyway.
Posted by olympia1970 on April 9, 2009 at 12:25 PM · Report this
Glow-in-the-dark Crucidildo! LOL. Where on earth can I get one of those?
Posted by Astounded on April 9, 2009 at 12:29 PM · Report this
FACE guy kind of stepped right into that one.. It's funny how right wing douches can't bare to keep their douche mouths shut sometimes, even when it could win them hot degrading sex. So he's not only a jerk.. he's kind of plain stupid too.
Posted by the keith on April 9, 2009 at 12:56 PM · Report this
so...we should be attempting to deeply embarass children who are interested in sex toy use (and can't possibly obtain one of their own), under the guise of an educational sex talk with their parents? and this doesn't sound at all...oh, I don't know...completely fucked up to you?
Posted by daniel on April 9, 2009 at 1:36 PM · Report this
Touche on the straight, anti-homosexual dude! I was really hoping you wouldn't give him the glory of you actually answering his post! You're awesome!!
Posted by sitbackandlaugh on April 9, 2009 at 2:49 PM · Report this
TWJ - If you don't like the way Dan does things, don't read the column. It's that simple. It's his column and he can do whatever he wants with it. The problem is, sexuality has become political. It truly centers around human acceptance and freedom. It's not fair for someone to condemn and consider homosexuality a "sin" but then come all over his wife's face and consider that not a "sin" especially because one would think degradation is wrong or sinful in most aspects of life. Typically, conservative people tend to publicly condemn values that are not upheld as traditional and then they enact or participate in those actions privately. That really pisses off the liberals and the rest of us who think tradition in some respects are just outdated as well as people who fight daily for human equality.

As of late, politics have unearthed a plethora of conservative people who actively and publicly condemn homosexuality, sex with minors, or even anal sex with someone of the opposite sex. Then, they're found DOING THOSE ACTIONS!!! WHY?!?! What are their values then when they say one thing and then do the exact opposite? How does that make sense? I truly believe that it centers around education. Lack of education and exposure equals fear. Fear equals uneducated reason, values, and beliefs. Sexuality is one of the most polarizing political issues currently.

There it is. Watch or read the news!
Posted by sitbackandlaugh on April 9, 2009 at 3:37 PM · Report this
I believe in the words of FACE's Lord Jesus Christ when he said "do unto others as you would have them do unto you," and so, even though I had one of the gay marriages FACE objects to, I will reveal the secret to him. Now, now, haters, fair is fair. Remember what Christ taught us.

It may sound awkward and complicated, but this is guaranteed to work:

1. Put on one of those low-scoopneck undershirts that male ballet dancers wear for some reason, even when they're at the coffeeshop.

2. Open all the curtains and windows in the house and blast Stravinsky's "Oedipus Rex" on the stereo.

3. Lay on the dining room table and ask your wife to poop all over your head. Smear it in good.

4. Go outside and yell at the top of your lungs, "Zellenberg! I'm free! I'm finally free! Zellenberg!"

I have a friend who says his wife begged him to come all over her face after he did this. But it's secret so don't tell anyone.

Posted by robt vesco, jr. on April 9, 2009 at 4:23 PM · Report this
no, you're embarrassing the kid who goes into your possessions and nicks things.

If he's going to rummage through your most personal stuff, he's going to hear about how to use said items properly. Consider it a consequence (or an advantage, if the kid isn't easily embarrassed) of his actions.

And the point Dan makes is you don't give the goober bad information or act embarrassed yourself--you're actually educating the little shit.
Posted by mom who'll use dan's advice on April 9, 2009 at 4:38 PM · Report this
Posted by Reader on April 9, 2009 at 4:43 PM · Report this
Come on my face, I sure could use a facial ,Its 100% natural!!!
Posted by rugged on April 9, 2009 at 4:44 PM · Report this
I think getting your kid a sex toy is not right. Maybe better to get them a book about various sexual issues like the Good Vibrations book, or any other teen body book. TMI!
Posted by snoopy on April 9, 2009 at 6:14 PM · Report this
@ snoopy
What exactly is wrong with getting your kid a sex toy? They're going to masturbate with or without it, if they want to use a sex toy they'll find some object that could actually hurt them. If they don't want to use it, they won't use it, it's not like your 16 year old son will reluctantly anally penetrate himself because you got him a dildo.
Posted by margaret on April 9, 2009 at 6:49 PM · Report this
@JO - make a deal with her, your sexual tension needs release, she either allows you masturbate, or she has to be available to you. Then just any time you feel urge, require her to give you quickie. Just keep doing it and I am willing to bet she will tired of having to be "on-call" anytime you feel the urge, and she will withdraw the objection.
Posted by kron on April 9, 2009 at 7:13 PM · Report this
I love your sex toy teen age kid advice- it was right on in my book as a mom.
Posted by Wenatchee Mom on April 9, 2009 at 7:24 PM · Report this
Jade obviously does not know what sexual tension is, or what it is like to be a horny man. Why the need to jerk off and relieve the palpable sexual tension? Because our partners (women have much lower sex drives than men, on average) only give it to us a couple of times per week...if we're lucky. Sometimes I wish my wife had a man's sexual appetite...sigh. Is a quick jerk off healthy? Apparently not for Jade; sure is for the rest of us.
Posted by guy in LA on April 9, 2009 at 7:35 PM · Report this
TWJ: Please consider the deeper implications here.

Dan Savage owes nothing to FACE at all. I actually thought he was extremely diplomatic. Denying FACE advice that would help him convince his wife to let him come on her face is not exactly cruel. I'm thinking that FACE will do just fine w/out this information.

Consider the gravity of being denied the numerous benefits marriage confers to straight people--being able to make important medical decisions on your partner's behalf, tax breaks, having your relationship not only acknowledged but celebrated by the larger community, etc., I missing a lot here and lack legal terminonlogy. Now, consider GRACE's cavalier outing of himself as a bigot and then asking for help.

I bet FACE never had to be careful about holding his wife's hand or kissing her in public for fear of violent retaliation. He's got a lotta nerve flaunting the kind of belief system that promotes hate crimes.

FACE should really come on his own face and be done with it.

By the way: I'm not into facials. They don't freak me out but they don't appeal to me either. To add to the discussion: It's degrading because it's kind of like seeing women as nothing but giant cunts and yeah, it smacks of domination. Some might find both of those things thrilling. I don't, but whatever. If my partner really wanted to do it, I'd do it for him but I'd expect an equal trade. Fortunately, he's not into it. I am happy to swallow though. It's a gesture of acceptance. Blow jobs are also pretty easy to give and much appreciated so they're usually a win-win, unless you're exhausted or ill.
Posted by know-it-all on April 9, 2009 at 7:47 PM · Report this
Being an atheist who has had it up to here with fundamentalists, I give DAD 1 million bonus points for a crucifix shaped dildo. And 10 million more for one that has the christ character nailed to it.
Posted by kp on April 9, 2009 at 8:03 PM · Report this
You should never wash your bedroom accessories with soap. Soap dries out the material, causes it to crack and peel and who wants to insert their glow-in-the-dark crucifix-shaped dildo (complete with Jesus in relief)that's all crusty looking? Also if you are female soap can cause vaginal irritation (i.e. dryness & infections).

Using a toy cleaner is the best way to take care of your toys & genital health. Here is a great cleaner to use:…
Posted by Nicole on April 9, 2009 at 8:12 PM · Report this
To Jerk Off

A third option is to make it very clear that you will masturbate as you see fit. Look her in the eye and tell her that under no circumstance is it any of her business ever. Your body belongs to you 24/7 365 days a year. Nobody has a right to dictate when anyone else can masturbate. If she thinks she can control this part of your life she will try to control others. Do not even humor her by lying. She is the one being unreasonable.
Posted by Heather Lindstrom on April 9, 2009 at 8:16 PM · Report this
I have to disagree with you on your comment that facials are degrading. Certainly they *can* be degrading, and often are, especially in porn, but so can anything. I find it incredibly sexy when my wife eats my cum and spills some/most of it around her mouth and licks it up. I think a fair analogy would be someone gorging themselves face first into a bowl of ice cream because they want to eat it that badly -- forget the spoon, I want it all now! As a bonus, after I cum on my wife's face, I find it very sensual to clean her up with a warm soapy washcloth and fluffy towel. And, I don't feel degraded at all when her cum is all over my face after going down on her, or even with her ejaculating on me from g-spot stimulation. Just my 2 cents.
Posted by I Scream, You Scream... on April 9, 2009 at 8:24 PM · Report this
I'm so glad you didn't answer FACE's question completely. Let him suffer (and I'll suffer, too as I have the same question). But I'll gladly suffer until we can overturn the idiotic, religious based, laws that are preventing people from being able to marry each other.

Here's to a complete separation of church and state.
Posted by Gerr on April 9, 2009 at 8:28 PM · Report this
For those of you who claim that if DAD follows Dan's advice he will thus scar his cricidildo pilfering son- not likely. My Mom took a similar approach with me and I wound up a relatively healthy 40-year-old woman with minimal scarring. For the Moms intending to follow Dan's advice, there is an added benifit to Mom having been up front. Now that I'm an adult, we are the best of friends with very open lines of communication.
Posted by Cat on April 9, 2009 at 9:44 PM · Report this
olympia1970, great writing! If you're as hot as you are smart, your husband is one lucky guy.

Re: 'You see, there is one enormous difference between Dan's "righteousness" and that of the religious right. All Dan wants is to be left the hell alone to live his life in peace, to raise his kid, and to marry the person he loves. Unlike the religious right, he's not encouraging discrimination against anyone. He's not trying to deny the rights of marriage and parenthood to right-wing nutjobs. He's not condemning anyone for their sexual practices or lifestyles, but only for their hypocrisy and needless meddling."

Well said. That's the same difference I was pointing out to TWJ.

Re: "For example, not long ago, I read about a group left-wing bigots who prevented a group of African Americans students opposed to affirmative action from presenting their views at a university forum supposedly dedicated to open discussion. I call them left-wing bigots because they used their political views to shut down the right of expression of those who they opposed"

I agree that lefties can be just as intolerant of differing viewpoints as righties, and I'm a fairly staunch libertarian-liberal when it comes to freedom of speech, yet don't most of us all draw a line somewhere? What if a group of people wanted to present their view at a university forum that -- to use an outrageous example -- women should be raped? And what if a group of lefties (or righties) wanted to prevent them from expressing their view? I wouldn't have a problem with that. I don't feel that people should be thrown in jail for their thoughts, no matter how vile, but I also don't think they deserve to have public forums in which to present those thoughts.
Posted by JD on April 9, 2009 at 10:20 PM · Report this
This "facials are degrading...facials are not degrading" argument is interesting.

Vegetarians don't like eating meat. That doesn't mean that eating meat IS disgusting or horrible. Maybe it is to vegetarians but it certainly isn't to people who love a hamburger or Tandoori chicken.

If a woman finds facials degrading, then that's her subjective feeling (and it should be respected by her partner.) But that doesn't give her the right to objectively proclaim that they ARE degrading.

Posted by JD on April 9, 2009 at 10:36 PM · Report this
@ number16:

Lovely disquistion. Seriously. Truly advice to live by. Thanks for sharing your insight.
Posted by io on April 9, 2009 at 10:58 PM · Report this
Reading Dan's column has always been a pleasure. Reding the column and having 175 comments to dig into, that's an even greater pleasure. Thanks for giving us the comments section: it enhances the experience and amplifies the knowledge.
Posted by juan on April 9, 2009 at 11:30 PM · Report this
I highly recommend the Baby Jesus Butt Plug for Junior, the Intermediate Jack Hammer Jesus on the Cross is by far too much for the little tyke to handle straight out of the butt toy gate!!!!
Posted by Thomasutra on April 9, 2009 at 11:55 PM · Report this
Ahahahaa I would give a lot to be a fly on the wall for DAD's conversation with his son.
Posted by Jelis on April 10, 2009 at 12:56 AM · Report this
sounds to me like JO just doesn't want to deal with his wife and the myriad tiny social negotiations that have to happen when you have any kind of sex with anyone, let alone this controlling bitch -- he wants to get straight to the refractory period with as little effort as possible. that eliminates the "pester her to milk you every couple of hours" strategy... so i say go with the lies.
Posted by gotta see a man about a horse on April 10, 2009 at 1:21 AM · Report this
So, um, what kind of proof are you going to want that we're Iowa Supreme Court judges?

Just wondering.
Posted by Curious on April 10, 2009 at 5:14 AM · Report this
I wonder if Dan considered the possibility that the sex toy hoarder WANTED to be caught. It seems like the most logical answer. He couldn't have believed so many toys would disappear unnoticed, and if he wanted to "borrow" them, he could have put them back after use. Of course that opens up a whole other can of worms.
Posted by anonymous on April 10, 2009 at 5:33 AM · Report this
What, pray tell, is a "gunt"?
Call it quaint (or academic), but I subscribe to the ideal where one can passionately disagree with someone's ideas without actually hating the person. You may already know this, but hurling personal insults is not a very effective way to persuade those who do not already agree with you.

Posted by TWJ on April 8, 2009 at 4:24 PM

A "gunt" is a fat lower abdomen that that hangs down over your cunt. Just like you use your fatuous highmindedness to hide your rancid bigotry.
Posted by anonymous on April 10, 2009 at 5:51 AM · Report this
To put JO's problem in perspective:…
Posted by Youth worker on April 10, 2009 at 5:52 AM · Report this
FACE, seriously? You tell a gay advice columnist that you hate him and all he stands for and have the nerve to ask for his help? Seriously? I hope life bitch slaps you. hard.

also; YAY IOWA! <3
Posted by wicked on April 10, 2009 at 6:31 AM · Report this
Advice to jerk off was wrong, wrong, wrong - tell wifey that whenever you feel the need to jerk off that she must make herself available for sex. If she feels she has the right to deny you self-stimulation because she feels like that's cheating on her than make sure that she meets all of your sexual needs whenever and wherever you need them met. Maybe once she realizes that your needs might be greater than hers and that by not meeting them you might actually find reason to cheat (with someone other than your hand) she might wake up to the reality of her stupidity. This is one very selfish woman who needs to understand that what you are doing is in no way threatening your relationship however her demands that you stop are. And while you're allowing her to lead you around by your dick you might as well have her give it a yank or two! Do it, don't lie about it and tell her to get over it!
Posted by chrisM on April 10, 2009 at 6:32 AM · Report this
I'd much prefer to get my kid a sex toy than to have them sticking stupid stuff up their butt (and anyone into anal play knows that idea has crossed their mind). Any reasonable thing that can provide pleasure and possibly delay actual sexual contact with another teen shown be promoted. Fewer unwanted teen pregnancies, STD's and HIV infections are what we should all strive for.
Posted by mcflyer54 on April 10, 2009 at 6:41 AM · Report this
The advice to JO was terrible. However, this is good karma for him, because cheaters are some of the worst people on the planet, so boo-fucking-hoo.
Posted by AR on April 10, 2009 at 7:33 AM · Report this
I think coming on one's face could only be considered "degrading" if you consider your lover's essence to be something to avoid.

And if you think that, well, you're not my lover, right?

Also, it seems like such a small thing to ask for - it isn't remotely comparable to some of the other things people are describing here. If your lover desires this, and it will make him gloriously happy, then why say no?

(I think it's hot, sexy, and intimate.)

Posted by Socrates on April 10, 2009 at 8:54 AM · Report this
Hey FACE, even ultra conservative columnist Cal Thomas has declared the battle against gay-marriage as over and lost (great editorial titled "Trouble in River City" in World magazine - google it). Great to see that even the neo-cons are starting to admit the reality of losing a battle they should have never started (sound familiar?). So, you too need to get over it!
Posted by chrisM on April 10, 2009 at 9:03 AM · Report this
Dan -

As a divorced guy who had this 'jealousy over masturbation' issue with an ex, let me offer that option #2 is guaranteed to backfire and make things worse. You will get caught...eventually. And the blowby from the added deception will only make it worse.
Posted by cville_dude on April 10, 2009 at 9:56 AM · Report this
Quick jerk off FTW !
Posted by SaintCahier on April 10, 2009 at 10:27 AM · Report this
That's it? That's all you got for Iowa?
Posted by Horny Hawkeyes who Love Save Love on April 10, 2009 at 10:48 AM · Report this
Having read most of the "bigot" posts, I have to say there is a lack of self awareness (by the way, generally love Dan's advice). The orthodoxy is that "we are only mocking Christian symbols because ALL of them are right wing bigots and they deserve it".

How to define bigotry? Dehumanization of the others; attributing evil characteristics to all of "them"; knowing that "we" have God (or god; or humanist beliefs; or atheism; or whatever gives "us" our moral authority).

You simply can not show such disrespect to a fundamental symbol of a group (the cross) and claim you are not bigoted against that group. Would it have been just as funny if the adornment of the story was with a statue of Mohamed (no chance - that would require courage!) or a a lisping and prancing gay couple, or a fat lipped happy l'il negro? No, of course not. In this 'in group' it is ALWAYS safe to mock Christians and their symbols, because they are the ENEMY. We must destroy! Oh, you can say, well of course some of my best friends are Christians. Yes, and some of my best friends are gays or hindus or uzbekis, but I have no problem to mock them! Bigot, bigot, bigot.

And such a pity that such a small minded embellishment to the story really ruins Dan's EXCELLENT advice to a parent on how to handle such an awkward and difficult situation.
Regardless of the sex toy angle, it is profoundly good advice on how to deal with this kind of thing.

So even a bigot like Dan can offer sage advice. Can't we all get along without small minded bigotry?
Posted by Bigots Suck (and not in a good way) on April 10, 2009 at 11:29 AM · Report this
One word for JO - Shower.
Posted by BatNastard on April 10, 2009 at 12:50 PM · Report this
I am completely in love with your response to FACE.
Posted by Jodi on April 10, 2009 at 12:55 PM · Report this
perhaps i missed something in these comments, but is anyone else concerned that this guy's horniness is so distracting that he has to masturbate and take care of it before he can do anything else? i mean, really. that's sounding a bit like a sex addict, and having already cheated once, maybe that's what his wife is seeing in him.
Posted by jvl on April 10, 2009 at 1:48 PM · Report this
What embellishment? There are glowing crucidildos -- several posts have given links to about 3 different places that sell them.
Posted by Sandy on April 10, 2009 at 1:55 PM · Report this
Um, I'd let the sex toy thing totally slide for fear that damn kid tells his teacher that you accused him of stealing your jesus dildo. At parent-teacher conferences.
Posted by dr. theopolis on April 10, 2009 at 2:14 PM · Report this
My hubbie is a straight married man (and CATHOLIC to boot!) who supports gay marriage...however, I let him come wherever he wants ;-)

I sense a trend...
Posted by J on April 10, 2009 at 2:57 PM · Report this
To Jade, what are you talking about?! Masturbating to relieve stress is nothing like eating, smoking, or drinking to relieve stress. Masturbating is like working out! Jerking-off is like a quick jaunt on the treadmill. I always thought aerobic exercise, like vigorous masturbation was a healthy way to reduce my stress.

AS to the underlying causes of our stress, I would guess that cause is...LIFE! Yes, life, life is stressful, so keep jerking, I say!
Posted by Dave on April 10, 2009 at 3:32 PM · Report this
No man should have to lie to his wife about masturbating - men do it and she needs to get over it. If she is so insecure that she believes he's cheating on her by touching himself, then he should divorce her immediately. Her insecurities and controlling behavior will only increase over time. But if he stays with that childish harpy then he deserved to be pussy whipped for the rest of his life.
Posted by montex on April 10, 2009 at 6:25 PM · Report this
First time I've ever read ALL the way through the comments, so I know I'm not being original, but in what way is it good parenting to humiliate your kid, even for doing something wrong?

I remember "borrowing" something that I couldn't get for myself (not a sex toy) from my mother when I was about 13. She asked me if I knew anything about its whereabouts, and like another commenter, I quickly replaced it. She must have known that I'm the one who had it (duh), but she never said anything, and for that I am deeply grateful. I learned my lesson and also the power of forgiveness.
Posted by klondike on April 10, 2009 at 8:06 PM · Report this
Mackenzie: The thing is, some of us right wingers are not bigots. Bigotry is not idealism-centric.... there are plenty of left wing bigots out there in bigotry land. I consider myself to be a "right-winger" McCain bumper sticker and all, and I have no problem at all with gay/lesbian marriage. I DO have have a problem with proponents of gay/les marriage lumping me in with those whose belief system happens to be different than theirs. Its interesting that the left uber-praises President Obama for inviting open dialog with Iran, Hamas, the Taliban and the like, and would be horrified if he called them "effing' Islamo-facists", but relish the opportunity to nonstop hammer the "right-wingers" here at home with every name in the book. Really, I wonder if the cause would be better served with less name calling and more civil dialog... Obama-style diplomacy with the "American Taliban"... after all, why not give your home-grown religious zealots the same benefit of the doubt you want Obama to give to the ones overseas. Granted, I realize this is an emotional issue and that rational, fact based civil discourse is probably not as satisfying as name calling. However, no matter what you do, you're NEVER going to get SOME of the people to support or agree with your cause. But resorting to vulgar name calling and lumping all conservatives in the "right wing bigot" category, IMHO, hurts more than it helps. Martin Luther King took the high road with not a hint of vulgarity in his speeches (and it cost him his life.) But now we have a black president. The beauty of America is that we CAN evolve, and we have. Good Luck.
Posted by Marco on April 10, 2009 at 9:16 PM · Report this
For JO: There's actually a third option. Don't try to justify yourself, but don't lie, either. Tell your partner that this is something you need, maybe even explain to her both why you need it and why she shouldn't worry about it, reassure her that she won't ever need to CATCH you jerking off (since the not-when-I'm-in-the-house rule implies that's what she cares about) --but stand firm that you WILL masturbate when you need to, and there's nothing she can do about it. Sometimes in a relationship it's necessary Person A to just accept that Person B is going to do some things that A doesn't really like. I've been in that position, and I MUCH prefer that my partner be stubborn but honest than lie to me.
Posted by Neveryoumind on April 10, 2009 at 9:43 PM · Report this
FACE, I think you should pray to the good Lord for forgiveness, because Jesus knows that seed spilt onto the ground or into any other vessel than the womb is sin. In fact, it's tantamount to having thousands of sticky little abortions! Similarly, cum-swallowing is nothing more than cannibalism. (I hear that Saddlebacking might be ok with Him, though.)
Posted by lady's pope on April 10, 2009 at 9:52 PM · Report this
I think Jerk Off should tell his wife he won't beat off anymore, but she has to let him screw her EVERY time he's in the least bit horny. My guess is that after a week or two she'll agree to let him go back to taking care of himself as needed.
Posted by Sluggo on April 11, 2009 at 7:44 AM · Report this
Hey Dan!

I think your advice to DAD was a tad harsh. Wouldn't mortifying the teenage boy to his face give him a decade or so of hang ups? Of course it was wrong, and really fucking creepy, to steal his parent's sex toys. I would suggest taking a passive aggressive approach. DAD should act like nothing happened, but throw away the boy's stash of stolen goodies. When they're not in their usual place and the boy tears apart his room looking for them the horrific feeling of mortification will quickly sink in with the realization that he was caught.

Remember that feeling you had as a teenager when you came home from school to find that your parents cleaned your room?

Posted by wes in vegas on April 11, 2009 at 2:03 PM · Report this
masturbation is a lovely fun, free, and healthy way to relieve frustration!
Posted by Teena on April 11, 2009 at 4:07 PM · Report this
@ anonymous that stated:
"A "gunt" is a fat lower abdomen that that hangs down over your cunt. Just like you use your fatuous highmindedness to hide your rancid bigotry."

I always heard it called "FUP" which stands for "Fat Upper Pussy." You know that bulge older women get, just below their belt-line.
Posted by Frau Blucher on April 11, 2009 at 5:22 PM · Report this
Interesting column (with a spirited follow-on discussion) by Charles M. Blow in the New York Times today about Vermont and same-sex marriage.

Blow writes...

The passage of gay marriage legislation in Vermont is momentous, but not necessarily a sign of momentum. Of all the states with pending gay marriage legislation, Vermont may well have been the easiest.

Why? Because Vermont is the least religious.

Opponents of gay marriage often base their arguments on religious texts.
“Homosexuality is a sin – an abomination.” “Marriage is between men and women.” “Blah, blah, blah.” (It’s baffling how intelligent people try to derive a well-rounded set of modern mores from books written by men who didn’t even know that the world was round. But, I digress.)

It only follows that states whose legislators have fewer religious constituents would be more willing to approve gay marriage bills.

That’s what sets Vermont apart.

According to the 2008 American Religious Identification Survey (A.R.I.S.) released last month,
a whopping 34 percent of respondents in Vermont said that they were not religious (the survey labeled them the “Nones”). That was the most of any state.

. . .

And, Nones in general are overwhelmingly in favor of gay marriage as evidenced by this table that shows they voted nine to one against Proposition 8 in California.

Check it out at:…
Posted by JD on April 11, 2009 at 5:48 PM · Report this
FACE things gay marriage between two loving, consenting adults is wrong but "unloading" on his wife's face when she finds it degrading is A-OK? And yeah, I know the question I just begged is a false dichotomy; I teach argument writing. Still...

The roots of this dichotomy are growing in the same soil of hetero male arrogance/ignorance. Try a little empathy, FACE.
Posted by ameliorist on April 11, 2009 at 7:00 PM · Report this
I read your column every week and have been to one of your great live shows. I'm a big fan.

I want to reply to your comment to Jerk Off, whose wife won't let him masturbate. I'm all for masturbation. But I think Jerk Off's not coming clean with you. When a wife says she thinks he's cheating on her by masturbating, she means it bothers her that he's jacking off to another woman's image (from the internet or a magazine). I'm not saying she's right to be bothered by porn, but that is at least a logical comment. Otherwise, she's just a controlling psychobitch. Jealous is more common.

If it's really about the porn, there is a third solution (you offered two - argue or lie about it). The third option is to make masturbation sexy for his wife. This means having her watch you masturbate during sex with her and asking her to talk to you and touch herself while you do it. It also means asking her if you can take a private sexy photo of her, which only you will look at, and which she ultimately owns, to which you can masturbate as much as you like and even talk about. That is hot - coming home to find out your husband has been jerking off to your picture all day.

Now there are two ways this may not work - 1) she's a controlling psychobitch with bad sanctimonious hangups. In that case, he should lie or DTMFA. 2) he can't just jerk off to her, but needs other women porn. If that's true, then he should lie and tell her he's just jerking off to her and do the other stuff in secret. But if that is true, you can see how she might have a point - he's cheated before and this may be just a warmup to him cheating again.

You're a fab sex advice columnist but sometimes you miss the woman's perspective. Hope you print this! Or at least please get back to me! :)

Thanks so much!!

Sign me as:
Woman's Intuition, Seedy Exploits (WISE)
Posted by WISE on April 11, 2009 at 7:17 PM · Report this
Love the honest approach, Clarity! Why shouldn't JO's wife get the information that she isn't meeting his needs? I also think faithful JO (and everyone) is entitled to alone time at home. Finally, please shut up, Jade. Sexual release is a normal urge--JO doesn't need more head trips than his wife has already handed him.
Posted by no handle on April 11, 2009 at 8:08 PM · Report this
I know that letters are shortened but how did you know that the toys belonged to Dad and not MOM did I miss a gender reference ???
@vms: Yes, you missed a very subtle gender reference. The signature line's acronym was DAD, not MOM.
Posted by Robin on April 11, 2009 at 8:41 PM · Report this
@ jade: sorry to be rude, but your post is idiotic. Stress and stress relief happen to everyone daily, they are not always indicative of poor coping or health. Would you say that someone wasn't facing their problems if they like to stretch and yawn or tell a joke?
Posted by tuesday on April 11, 2009 at 9:29 PM · Report this
Jade COME ON! There is no underlying problem... haven't you ever felt stressed or just needed to relax? Orgasming relaxes the body and the mind. Shut the fuck up and go masturbate.
Posted by jules on April 12, 2009 at 12:42 AM · Report this
Dear FACE,
Anything other then vaginal sex for reproductive purposes is a waste of your seed and a sin for both you and your wife.

P.S. She liked it when I came on her face when we where seeing each other.

Posted by Zig on April 12, 2009 at 3:30 AM · Report this
Jade, it's actually a proven fact that masturbation is one of the healthiest ways to relieve stress. If men don't masturbate, it can lead to prostate cancer. Women continually drive themselves crazy with stress and when they don't masturbate then they have a tendency to have higher blood pressure and often have clinical depression. Don't let anyone tell you that sex and masturbation are not healthy. That's a damn lie! As far as JO is concerned, I went through a short phase with my husband where it made me uncomfortable when he would masturbate. However, he was very good at making sense...he simply explained to me that sometimes, there's something comforting about "clicking your own mouse." There were times when I would catch him in the act and he would sometimes have me take over or give him head which always lead to fun for both of us. That particular act made it less embarrassing and more of a "hope to catch him" kind of thing. You may want to try such a thing with your wife and see if that helps her overcome her discomfort with the issue. You might also try encouraging her to explore her own regions. If she hasn't masturbated in awhile (or ever), then she may find it to be somewhat refreshing and change her views, not just about masturbation, but sex in general.
Posted by amberglar on April 12, 2009 at 11:35 AM · Report this
About this facial thing: I admit to being repulsed by the thought of cum on my face (in my hair, up my nose) but no more and no less than if it were any other sticky, messy substance (whipped cream, custard pie--remember the podcast sometime back with the woman who willingly accomodated her boyfriend's pie-in-the-face fetish?). Actually, I think pie would be the worst of these because someone with this fantasy probably doesn't want to just dab it on; he wants to smash the whole pie in your face. So call me non-GGG, but I think the only way I might be persuaded to change my mind is if I had a boyfriend who was willing to do anything at all for me without complaint and without caring if it added to his own physical pleasure.

Posted by Second Opinion on April 12, 2009 at 2:13 PM · Report this
What's up with the whole quick jerk off to relieve stress thing? Is that really healthy?


Wouldn't it be better, albeit much more difficult, to try to examine head-on the underlying issues to our being stressed?

The main issue that leads to us being stressed is being human.
Posted by truthspeaker on April 12, 2009 at 2:36 PM · Report this
Oh god, FACE, I am so utterly confused. Why would you preface your question with condemning the advice columnist? Are you that stupid? Have you ever heard the expression, "don't bite the hand that feeds you"? The standard advice for those who are against "homosexual marriage" is the non-sexual, non-satisfying version of "fuck off". Seriously. If you can't stand extending the rights that you have already exercised to a couple of homos, if the thought of other people signing a legal contract just like you makes you that irate, then just leave. If we can't do all the boring legal stuff you get to do, you don't get to do all the fun sexy stuff we can do.
Posted by underscore on April 12, 2009 at 3:16 PM · Report this
What? This is faker than a vegan hot dog! It's ok. Let role playing cram the void. If you really knew a thing or two about sex you would know how to keep it real.
Posted by The Eskimo on April 12, 2009 at 7:11 PM · Report this
to the man who wants to come on his wife's face: pay someone else to let you do it and leave your wife out of it. to the man's wife: you're right not to want him to come on your face. it is how a man degrades a woman. let him go to a prostitute to get it out of his system. if i had to do it all over again, that's what i would have done.
Posted by don't cum on me on April 12, 2009 at 8:04 PM · Report this
Dear FACE, Just tell her how much you enjoy it when guys blow hot loads on YOUR face.
Posted by tcatsf on April 12, 2009 at 9:45 PM · Report this
And to those who wonder where DAD came from. The first letters of "Discomfited Aged Deviant" mean anything to you? Like in D.A.D. Get it? Jees
Posted by tcatsf on April 12, 2009 at 9:54 PM · Report this
I LOVED your advice to FACE.
don't ask for advice from someone you disagree with. You're not open to homosexuality and your wife isn't open to getting your nasty sperm all over her face. the end.
Posted by Kourtnee on April 12, 2009 at 10:03 PM · Report this
It's amazing, but glow-in-the-dark, Jesus-on-the cross dildoes do exist, along with other religious themed ones, from Divine Interventions. Not vibrators, though.
Posted by Magpie on April 13, 2009 at 5:52 AM · Report this
Just because someone isn't sure about homosexual marriage doesn't mean they're against you living your lifestyle and being in love and happy... maybe we'll all get there someday, maybe not. I'm not sure I agree with gay marriage, I'm not sure I am against it. I don't know everything, what's right and wrong, but a part of me believes marriage should be for man and woman; a part of me is forward-thinking, and maybe in 100 years we'll all be ashamed it wasn't allowed earlier. Who knows.

But honestly, I don't really care about you denying FACE of advice, because having someone come in your face is just disgusting. People who do stuff like this have serious problems (maybe stemming from childhood) and probably won't last in a relationship like that.
Posted by Sara on April 13, 2009 at 9:49 AM · Report this
Women seem to often equate masturbation with infidelity. As a woman myself, I seem be one of those who never has. Some personal pleasure is a good thing, I like my own, and for all of us, it's nice to "test drive" our equipment so we find out about some of the things we REALLY like.
Posted by flora on April 13, 2009 at 9:49 AM · Report this
Good Job again Dan.I am for equal rights for everyone,but be careful what you wish for, speaking from experience, marriage isnt all wine and roses.But I wish anyone who wants to do it, good luck.
I have a facial thing also, my woman wont take a facial either,I respect her take on it, besides when she gives me a blowjob and swallows, I about faint.I dont know if I could take anything more.
Keep up the good work.
Posted by Big Earl on April 13, 2009 at 12:37 PM · Report this
I feel the same as FACE's wife does about facials, but Happy's advice would do the trick for me. If my husband told me how incredibly hot it is to see his come on my beautiful face, convincingly, while looking adoringly into my eyes, with perhaps the slightest tinge of pleading in his voice, I'd say "whip it out, papi, and do it to me right now." But I'd expect him to let me put a finger up his butt next time.
Posted by gueralinda on April 13, 2009 at 1:19 PM · Report this
@Sara: Actually, denying gay people the same LEGAL entitlements that straight people enjoy DOES mean that you're against them being in love, happy, and living their "lifestyles;" you just sound really passive-aggressive about it.

Also, the only "disgusting" thing is your obnoxious & judgmental opinion of those who don't share your prudish beliefs about sex! Sure, facials aren't for everyone, but those who do enjoy "stuff like this" are just as decent and as healthy as anybody else! Ok, sorry to sound like an "angry liberal" here, but can't we all just let each other live our (love) lives in peace?!? Thank you!
Posted by Marcus on April 13, 2009 at 2:27 PM · Report this
hey all, there are just some acts which shouldn't be mandatory. things like taking a load in the face, buttsex, rimming...whatever, these things CAN be hot but to some people they NEVER will be and they shouldn't HAVE to be.
And yeah, to all the hetero guys who make their women swallow their semen and then have the nerve to bitch about not getting to ejaculate on their face...SHUT UP.
You know...YOU swallow it sometime, and then smear it all over your face, wipe it out of your nose, get it off your eyelashes and then detangle your hair...
Posted by onion on April 13, 2009 at 7:53 PM · Report this
flora: "Women seem to often equate masturbation with infidelity. As a woman myself, I seem be one of those who never has."

If women do equate their male partner masturbating with infidelity, then it's probably for the reason a number of people have mentioned: the woman assumes the guy is fantasizing about another woman (or women.) And he probably is.

But so what? We're all entitled to our fantasies. And it's much better for a guy to be masturbating and fantasizing about other women, than to actually be out fucking other women behind his wife or girlfriend's back.

Now, if a guy is doing it so much that his woman is being sexually neglected, that's not good. That's being selfish. But most guys (in my opinion) are so sexually "on" most of the time, compared to women, that they can satisfy their woman and still want to masturbate.

In my experience, few women really understand male sexuality (nor, in my opinion, do they care to.) And I think women don't understand why guys masturbate so much because they don't masturbate that much ("if I don't need to, why does he?") If women could be a man for a month or two, they'd understand why guys want to stroke themselves so much, because they'd be doing it.
Posted by JD on April 13, 2009 at 9:24 PM · Report this
-Number one is truly creepy. If the kid was stealing them, rather than borrowing and returning them, he must have known he (He? Really? Both father and son are into dayglo dildos?) would get caught. Something seems fishy...

-I hope the bigot comes face-to-face with Oprah one day and says 'I don't really like what you say on your show and think African-American women should be treated as lesser beings, but it's a bit of a car wreck – I have to watch. So anyway...' Also, cumming on someone's face is a privilege, not a right. So 20-year-old fratboys – stop asking to do it on the first date!

-How on earth is everyone avoiding the fact that the dude from #3 actually cheated on his wife? She is clearly trying to punish him. He can do whatever he wants – lie to her, submit, ask for a divorce – but it's not like she demanded this out of the blue.
Posted by Sadie on April 13, 2009 at 10:12 PM · Report this
To FACE and JO, guess what? You married the wrong person! Unless she radically changed her sexual preferences after the wedding, you screwed up by marrying someone who was incompatible with your needs. Now JO, you get to spend the rest of your life lying to your partner and FACE, you'll probably wind up paying someone to take what you need to give them. My suggestion? Divorce these unsuitable ladies and pay more attention to the sexual compatability of your next partner. Unless, of course, you've been dumb enough to produce children with these women, in which case the price of your mistake will rise exponentially.
Posted by guyfrosty on April 14, 2009 at 5:36 AM · Report this

Your stance on FACE was childish. Quite frankly I expected more from you. I will still read your colum though....
Posted by notoriusdra on April 14, 2009 at 6:25 AM · Report this
I'm thinking Dan chose that letter in particular for discrimination, because there are no "killer talking points guaranteed to convince his wife to let him blow a load on her face." That's why it's so wickedly good to say to Mr. Can't Stand You, Don't Support Your Rights.

The more you try to talk someone into spooging on their face, the creepier you look and the more unlikely it's going to be. All it comes off as is "Baby, it's REALLY important to me to degrade you."
Posted by Rillion on April 14, 2009 at 8:13 AM · Report this
Maybe the son is embarrassed or angry about DAD's sexual activities?
I used to steal my mom's cigarettes as a kid because I hated that she smoked. Just a thought. Good luck.
Posted by emmgo on April 14, 2009 at 11:56 AM · Report this
Way to take a stand. you are awesome. LOVE THE POD CAST!!
Posted by TJ on April 14, 2009 at 2:23 PM · Report this
@not a bigot.
You're an idiot. That exact product does exist, and if it turns people on... in their private lives... I say go for it. Thats not bigoted.
And people have the right to describe their sex toys.
Mine is purple and has a flower on it.
Posted by lyra on April 14, 2009 at 8:03 PM · Report this
@ emmgo: Or to show to friends: "Hey, look at this--$10 if you guess what it's for!"

I agree with all who advise a quiet retrieval and toss out. Dan, if I remember correctly, you wrote that your Mom once replaced the smut magazines under your mattress with copies of "Good Housekeeping". I believe you called it the best non-conversation you ever had. (time to check the archive)
Posted by no handle on April 14, 2009 at 8:16 PM · Report this
That last fucker got what he deserved.
Posted by bec.bec on April 14, 2009 at 8:24 PM · Report this
FACE is being disingenuous. He claims not to see any difference to justify his wife's not wanting him to come on her face, when she allows his to do so in her mouth or on her chest. But there IS a difference (the degradation factor) or he himself wouldn't crave the facial. He needs to accept that it matters negatively to her, and enjoy everything else he's got good.
Posted by Sphynx on April 15, 2009 at 8:30 AM · Report this
247 Comment Pulled
I love, love, love that Dan didn't tell that douche the best ways to get his wife to let him come on her face! Maybe if he wasn't a narrow- minded jerk she would let him. Go on with your bad self Dan Savage!
Posted by js11998822 on April 15, 2009 at 10:08 AM · Report this
Where can I get a glow in the dark crucifix shaped dildo?
Posted by Lorie on April 15, 2009 at 1:00 PM · Report this
TO FACE: Coming on the face is not something I do a lot, but have done, and it was in the shower. Have her give you head in the shower and then close her eyes as you splooge all over her face. She can then wash it off under the shower. Note: come in the eye is painful!
Posted by Mr. COF on April 15, 2009 at 3:41 PM · Report this
To Jerk Off, Dan, know-it-all and whoever else held issue with Jerk-Off's wife:

First, let's note that he wrote he and his wife have great sex. That a lot better than many couples in to their third year of marriage, especially if one cheated, so let's count our blessings here and be willing to make a few sacrifices?


I am a young lady who knows her own sexual preferences very well, as complicated as a woman's sex drive might be. I really couldn't ask to be more in touch with my likes and dislikes. I know my sexuality so well that I can easily have screaming, neighbor-disturbing, back-clawing orgasms numbered into the double digits (> 2 dozen, at times) any time I have sex with my ridiculously hot boyfriend. That is, unless I have images of him lazily whacking off over his morning coffee and porn dancing through my head. Guys, seriously. Gross. Really, quit ruining my climax. Also, don't poop with the door open and sorry if that infringes on your comfort level.

I know my sex drive so well that I can acknowledge when said hot boyfriend does something so un-hot that I would rather not do him, at all, let alone get off on him.

But we ladies don't say these things to our men, as it would damage your views of yourselves and we don't want that to happen because we love you and your dicks and do want them to keep functioning properly.

My guess is that Jerk Off is incredibly selfish, which is why he cheated on her in the first place and also why he feels "stupid" justifying himself. He hasn't even though of the possibility that his reaching down his pants in front of her is making it difficult for her to remain loyal to HIM.

I think we can all agree that women are complicated and, perhaps, have too many limits. However, boobs are great to play with. If you want to get to play with them, you might have to masturbate in private (unless otherwise directed) and poop with the door closed, etc. etc.

It's compromise.

Posted by Big 'Ol Slut on April 15, 2009 at 5:36 PM · Report this
I was so happy that my husband wanted to JO instead of pestering me. I agree with Clarity, wag that hot dog in her face a few times a day, and she'll be happy to give you a 'break'.
Posted by Granny on April 16, 2009 at 7:07 PM · Report this
@jade: Masturbation as a "band-aid" type solution to stress in the same way that going for a run or doing yoga is. It's a healthy physical release of stress, not a stress-response indulgence like drinking or overeating.
Posted by healthnut on April 17, 2009 at 11:26 AM · Report this
Dan, I hope you like the broadway plate glass ring them bells very greeeeeeeasy. That's the inside out.
Posted by insideout on April 18, 2009 at 10:08 AM · Report this
I'm pretty open-minded, but I agree, facials are degrading. Won't do it.
To wives like JO's: it's normal, let it go! Choose your battles.
Posted by doggirl on April 19, 2009 at 9:51 PM · Report this
That last one was particularly satisfying. Thank you!
Posted by Inness on April 20, 2009 at 12:09 AM · Report this
I'm an Iowan who's been reading Savage Love for about eight years now. Thanks for the props. Iowa is a state the actually observes the separation between church and state when it comes to marriage. It's not the marriage ceremony that makes two people married in Iowa, it's signing the legal contract known as the marriage license. You can have no ceremony at all, and as long as you've signed that piece of paper in front of witnesses, you're married. What the Supreme Court of Iowa said is that it's not the business of the state to decide whether or not certain people are entitled to religious marriage ceremonies, but as far as issuing the marriage license - and the rights that come with that piece of paper - are concerned, the state constitution has a very clear precedent for equally.
Posted by Punky Stewster on April 20, 2009 at 9:24 PM · Report this
To a certain (and sometimes large) extent, the way a woman describes a man's behavior is based on how attracted she is to him, or how she feels about him. The fat nerdy guy trying to flirt with her is "creepy"; the hot guy trying to flirt with her isn't. The guy she meets on a first date and isn't into is "needy" for calling her the next day; the guy she meets on a first date and is crazy about isn't.

And, to be fair, guys are probably the same way. I'd wager an unattractive woman who wants to see a guy a lot would get tagged as "clingy" or "desperate" whereas a hot woman wouldn't.
Posted by JD on April 22, 2009 at 7:15 PM · Report this
Sounds like JO and Mrs. JO haven't really resolved the lingering tensions over the affair.
Posted by Melissa on April 23, 2009 at 6:49 AM · Report this
Fantastic advice for DAD. Kid will either know he can come to the father about anything or never want to have a sex conversation with him again. Either way sounds beneficial...

As for FACE - Really? Who DOES that? Write in for advice but preface it with the disclaimer that you hate the column? It's anonymous for goodness' sake! I just don't understand some people...
Posted by darielsdove on April 23, 2009 at 11:02 PM · Report this
XiaoGui17 261
As someone who personally witnessed (and was involved in) a situation so strikingly similar to JO's I'm wondering if JO is in fact the person I knew, I have a few comments.

1) Was it the manipulation and jealousy of JO's wife that caused him to cheat in the first place? Not to be mean, but I've known more than one man who went ahead and cheated because their control freak, super suspicious girlfriend/wife would accuse them of it all the time whether or not they were guilty, and they figured they may as well go ahead and stray if they were going to get all the flack for it anyway. A woman who won't leave the house without her husband is a bit overbearing.

2) Is JO neglecting his wife? I didn't care my boyfriend jacking off if I wasn't interested in sex (in fact, I encouraged that as an alternative to waking me up at odd hours because he was horny), but I got pissed off at jacking off when he'd rather do that than be with me. So yeah, try going at her more often. Maybe she needs a little more to know he's still interested in/ attracted to her.
Posted by XiaoGui17 on June 7, 2009 at 9:53 PM · Report this
jade, masterbation is healthy way to deal with stress. Dealing with stress =/= dealing with the actual problem at hand. The thing that causes stress can be real or imagined.

We as human beings cannot live without stress. There is always going to be something that stresses us out and before we can resolve the thing that causes the stress, we need to find the way to calm the fuck down (i.e. relieve stress) before we act. Stress is something that has to be delt with first in order to make rational decisions, not go into a panic, & get on with our lives. There are things that stress us out that we cannot or can no longer control such as the death of a friend or getting laid off & things that we constantly have to work through such as parenting & doing school work.
Posted by Teufel_Luke on November 24, 2009 at 4:30 AM · Report this

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