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Ass Ed
April 18, 2012
+ Enlarge this Image
Joe Newton
I'm gay and a junior in high school, and I've had a boyfriend for a year. (He's one year older than me, Dan, so relax!) We are out to our parents and everyone is supportive. We are not bullied or suicidal or using drugs. But we are frustrated! We had sex education in our schools, but they didn't cover gay sex. (Big surprise!) I tried to talk to my mom about gay sex, and all she said was "please use condoms." We tried and we used condoms, but I think we must be doing something wrong because we can't do it. We are ready to start having real gay sex—with me on the bottom, at least for now!—and we are frustrated and feel like failures as gay men. Any advice?
Tell Us Something Helpful
P.S. Do we really need to use condoms? We are both virgins and each other's first boyfriend.
You and your boyfriend aren't failing gayness, TUSH.
Gay men and boys can be successes in life, in love, and in the sack without acing—or even enjoying—anal intercourse. Anal doesn't define you as gay men and it certainly isn't all there is to gay sex. There are so many ways that you and your boyfriend can get off together—mutual masturbation, oral sex, frottage (aka "wet humping")—that are just as pleasurable, just as "real," and just as gay as anal intercourse. But if you and your boyfriend want to give anal another go, TUSH, here's a crash course in anal sex ed...
First, experiment on your own. Use fingers and toys and lots of lube. I recommend that you get your hands on a butt plug, get your ass on that butt plug, and get yourself off with that butt plug in your ass. Exploring anal penetration solo will allow you to experience anal pleasure without any pressure or expectations, TUSH. You can really take your time and you won't feel like you're disappointing your boyfriend if you have to bail.
Your boyfriend should do the same. I don't care if your boyfriend is a top—or thinks he is, or is topping because you want to bottom—your boyfriend will be a better top if he knows what it feels like to be penetrated and enjoys penetration himself.
Okay! So you've both done some exploring on your own—jacked off with fingers and toys—and there you are, just you and your boyfriend, hanging out. Your butts are squeaky clean and, hey, you've got the house all to yourselves... is it time to fuck? Not yet. Now you're gonna spend some time sticking fingers and toys in your butts and jerking off together. For extra credit, you can experiment with rimming, if you haven't already, as nothing relaxes anal sphincters quite so effectively. (Once more with feeling: squeaky-clean butts!) The point is for you to do anal a few times with the boyfriend and for both of you to get off—you and the boyfriend—without his dick going anywhere near your ass.
Now you're ready to get fucked.
You're going to need lots of lube, TUSH, and lots of patience. Have your boyfriend apply lube directly to your hole; he should gently rub your hole for a bit, to help it relax, before using a finger or two to push some lube just inside you; you can apply the lube to his dick. Move into whatever position feels most comfortable for you—him on top, you on top, face-to-face, doggy-style—and point the tip of his hard cock directly at your hole. He should apply some pressure: uniform, constant, gentle pressure. You'll feel your asshole begin to open as the head of his cock enters you. Keep breathing as the rest of his dick slowly—a fraction of an inch at a time—slides into you.
Once he's all the way inside, TUSH, your boyfriend may be tempted to start banging away, porn-star style, but that would be a huge mistake. Your boyfriend should instead stay perfectly still for the first minute or two while you breathe and relax. Kiss your boyfriend and stroke yourself during the brief lull before the fucking starts. Then he starts moving inside you—very slowly. He pulls out an inch or two and slides back in, you keep breathing and stroking, he pulls back an inch or two more and slides in. With each successive thrust, your boyfriend will be able to pull out a little farther, TUSH, and before you know it, he'll be fucking the hell out of you. The whole process (the hole process?)—from patient foreplay to full-on assfucking—takes 30 minutes at least.
P.S. You don't have to use condoms, but you should. Using condoms is a good habit to get into, TUSH, and if you have any concerns about cleanliness, well, a condom is your best friend. There are lots of gay guys out there—including guys as young as you—who got infected with HIV by boyfriends, including first boyfriends, who lied or didn't know or fucked up. So listen to your mother and use condoms, TUSH, along with a water-based lubricant.
I am an intern at the health and wellness center at my university. This is safe-sex-awareness month on campus. We got donations from some sex toy companies. Among the products we received is something marketed as "Desensitizing Anal Wipes" by a company called California Exotic Novelties.
We gave away these samples at our recent expo. After the fair, a student came up to my boss and me. As a young gay man, he expressed concern that desensitizing anal wipes were not safe to use, as masking pain could in fact lead to engaging in activities that you may not otherwise. I am assuming that what he meant here is that if you are experiencing pain during anal sex, you probably shouldn't proceed. I know with anal you need to take things slow, use lots of lube, and work your way up to it, but that's about the extent of my knowledge in this area. But I'd like to know what the Dan Savage take is on anal desensitizing wipes. Yay or nay?
A Sensitive Subject
Googling "desensitizing anal wipes" got me this: "...perfect for using before anal sex to reduce friction pains and ease entry."
Anyone who's too stupid to use lube for anal sex—or anyone who is using lube but somehow doesn't realize that reducing friction and easing entry is what lube is down there to do—probably won't be harmed by a "desensitizing" moist towelette that retails for $3.99. I don't know what the active ingredient is, ASS, but I can't imagine it's a pharmaceutical-grade topical anesthetic. So I doubt that anyone who uses a DAW is going to wind up with an ass so benumbed that he won't realize he's being torn to shreds until after he sees blood and santorum all over his sheets, pillows, walls, floor, boyfriend, ceiling, Xbox 360, cats, etc.
That said, ASS, desensitizing anal wipes play on common fears and misconceptions about anal sex—namely, that anal sex is supposed to hurt. Anal done right isn't painful, of course, even if it takes time, practice, and some patience to get used to. Some people do experience discomfort when they first attempt anal, but discomfort isn't pain. It's important for people to understand that if anal sex hurts, they're doing it wrong—not enough lube, not enough foreplay, not enough practice—and they need to stop. Desensitizing wipes send the opposite message.
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1
"but I think we must be doing something wrong because we can't do it."
TUSH's vagueness is really making me wonder.
What's the issue exactly? Can't find the hole? I'm confused.
TUSH's vagueness is really making me wonder.
What's the issue exactly? Can't find the hole? I'm confused.
3
Using condoms is a smart idea, especially for first timers. Increased longevity! Also, lots of people get accustumed to condomless sex during LTRs and then hate switching over to condoms when they're with a new partner after the relationship ends. You don't want to be that guy that gets soft the second he puts a condom on. Huge turnoff for boyf number two. I always use condoms for anal anyway. I've heard people say that semen leaks out after anal but that doesn't realy make sense to me. Anyone want to inform me?
4
The answer to TUSH was great: sweet, encouraging, explicit. And it included the most awesome phrase ever in a graphic anal sex advice column: "listen to your mother."
6
Good response to TUSH, but I feel like there's some important info missing, namely how one (safely) gets one's butt "squeaky clean."
@1, the issue is that getting a dick or other object into an ass is a more complicated endeavor than getting a dick into a vagina or a mouth. I'm guessing that when TUSH says "we can't do it" he means that he can't get his sphincter relaxed enough to be penetrated easily and without it hurting too much.
@1, the issue is that getting a dick or other object into an ass is a more complicated endeavor than getting a dick into a vagina or a mouth. I'm guessing that when TUSH says "we can't do it" he means that he can't get his sphincter relaxed enough to be penetrated easily and without it hurting too much.
9
Wow the first response turned me on a little bit, and I'm just a bi-curious female. It was also very informative!
The second response got me laughing my ass off with "all over his sheets, pillows, walls, floor, boyfriend, ceiling, Xbox 360, cats, etc."
The second response got me laughing my ass off with "all over his sheets, pillows, walls, floor, boyfriend, ceiling, Xbox 360, cats, etc."
10
Uh, Dan ... two points. Or perhaps three.
First of all, at the first LW's and partner's ages (anywhere between 16-18), are they going to be able to get their hands on butt plugs legally? If so, then it would be a really good thing to be able to get a descriptive sex manual, too (probably with bonus pictures). So, if they can't walk into a sex store, you could have suggested getting some veggies that they could carve into various shapes and sizes before sliding them into a condom.
The second thing I'm surprised you didn't mention is that the bottom should bear down upon initial penetration to ease entry.
And, yeah, the third. I'm not surprised they didn't get any gay sex ed at school when straight sex is hardly covered either (unless it's the "Just say NO" uselessness).
First of all, at the first LW's and partner's ages (anywhere between 16-18), are they going to be able to get their hands on butt plugs legally? If so, then it would be a really good thing to be able to get a descriptive sex manual, too (probably with bonus pictures). So, if they can't walk into a sex store, you could have suggested getting some veggies that they could carve into various shapes and sizes before sliding them into a condom.
The second thing I'm surprised you didn't mention is that the bottom should bear down upon initial penetration to ease entry.
And, yeah, the third. I'm not surprised they didn't get any gay sex ed at school when straight sex is hardly covered either (unless it's the "Just say NO" uselessness).
11
Dan response to Tush could have been shortened by about 5 paragraphs with a link to any number of the good websites on how to prep/enjoy/initially experience anal sex as gay men. I'm guessing most breeders yawned through in the visual equivalent of fast forwarding (speed reading) and even many gay men (like myself) skimmed it.
12
@7
Not all sex is that difficult.
@11
Fun fact: the majority of people who have anal sex are 'breeders' (like myself).
Not all sex is that difficult.
@11
Fun fact: the majority of people who have anal sex are 'breeders' (like myself).
13
Even in my day (the Cretaceous era) when sex ed in schools was more than abstinence ed, the mechanics of any kind of sex was never going to be covered. "Sex ed" was always strictly reproductive ed, and mostly warned about the dangers of getting what was quaintly still called VD.
I only remember one valuable piece of take-away advice (thank you, Coach Smith): "Remember ladies: men have nipples, too."
I only remember one valuable piece of take-away advice (thank you, Coach Smith): "Remember ladies: men have nipples, too."
14
Also "I tried to talk to my mom about gay sex" was one of the most adorable phrases in SL I've ever come across. Kudos to her for having a relationship with her son where he feels comfortable asking her. Bummer she either
a. didn't know the answer
b. was too shy to give it
But still. That's really nice.
a. didn't know the answer
b. was too shy to give it
But still. That's really nice.
15
I absolutely hate anal almost as much as Dan hates scat and holy shit that sounds like fun! Good Job Dan!
TUSH use some of those wet wipes for grownups to wipe your ass real well beforehand; this will up the clean factor and make rimming and such more fun. Also... if you're feeling "full" down there... don't be shy to say "let's wait."
TUSH use some of those wet wipes for grownups to wipe your ass real well beforehand; this will up the clean factor and make rimming and such more fun. Also... if you're feeling "full" down there... don't be shy to say "let's wait."
16
Reading your response to TUSH was like reading a cyber sex conversation. I loved it haha. It was informative too. Now I know why anal sex hurts so fucking bad...we've been doing it wrong this entire time!
17
TUSH, Dan's response to you was spot on - except for the thing @10 mentioned about you maybe not being able to get a butt plug. And you really should use something butt-plug-like for starters. If a butt plug or other smallish penetrative toy isn't available, find a SMALL (no thicker than a rather large thumb) and SMOOTH cylindrical object, which you MUST cover with a condom before insertion. Maybe the handle of a cooking utensil? You can get creative. But nothing made of glass!
Also, as somebody who enjoys anal intercourse a lot, I've nonetheless found that fingers really don't feel good for me. They have nails on them, and I can feel the edges of those nails even when they're short and smooth. Fingers are mostly made of bone, which is a lot less forgiving than even the hardest penis. And the skin on fingers can be rough, especially on a person who works with their hands, plays an instrument, etc. So I recommend toys and tongues over fingers any day. If fingers don't feel good to you, that doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong or that other anal penetration won't feel great. Keep experimenting.
Also, as somebody who enjoys anal intercourse a lot, I've nonetheless found that fingers really don't feel good for me. They have nails on them, and I can feel the edges of those nails even when they're short and smooth. Fingers are mostly made of bone, which is a lot less forgiving than even the hardest penis. And the skin on fingers can be rough, especially on a person who works with their hands, plays an instrument, etc. So I recommend toys and tongues over fingers any day. If fingers don't feel good to you, that doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong or that other anal penetration won't feel great. Keep experimenting.
18
Skipper Jo @17: Fingers are good because they're very sensitive and can respond to little curves and nuances that toys can't. You should make sure your partner has neatly trimmed nails, and if the skin texture is rough get them to wear latex gloves. If you can feel the edges of the nails, get a bit of fine grade sandpaper and smooth them down.
19
Why don't you tell me 'bout the mystery dance?
I wanna know about the mystery dance!
Why don't you show me?
Cos I've tried and I've tried and I'm still mystified,
I can't do it any more and I'm not satisfied.
I wanna know about the mystery dance!
Why don't you show me?
Cos I've tried and I've tried and I'm still mystified,
I can't do it any more and I'm not satisfied.
21
Ms Driasis - They must live in a parallel universe to be able to have such a conversation at all. It would be far too much, surely, to ask for it to be a success. I'm not sure I could even imagine such a conversation in serious vein.
Now I'll lose sleep wondering why I never thought I was failing gay, as I failed every other human attribute. I only tried once, and, predictably, it made me cramp badly.
Now I'll lose sleep wondering why I never thought I was failing gay, as I failed every other human attribute. I only tried once, and, predictably, it made me cramp badly.
22
@17 I would add that the object has to be not just small and smooth but also FLARED or really long, or have something bigger at its base, so it doesn't accidentally get lost inside your ass. But fingers are still the best.
Also, do online stores check your ID? As long as you have a credit card...
Also, do online stores check your ID? As long as you have a credit card...
23
Your advice to tush was perfect and confirmed my own experience 100%. The only difference is that when I was his age -- 40 years ago! -- I had to figure it all out for myself, which took some time.
Wonderful column!
Wonderful column!
24
Very nice and informative. I would suggest silicone-based lube though. In personal experience I've found silicone based lube to be thicker and therefore allow a bit of a barrier. Also, water based lube tends to get sticky and absorbs into the skin, which makes for not fun friction.
25
I'm with 6 and 20... geez Dan, italics on the squeaky clean phrase but no mention on how to do it? Like, scrub really hard? If anyone's wondering... Dan meant to say DOUCHE, aka stick an enema up there and rinse out your asshole. This will be a good first step in sticking something up there, too. You can buy an enema bottle at almost any grocery store for a couple bucks. Instructions are on the package. It will make you expell all the shit lurking around in your rectum. Not many people want shit leaking all over the place while fucking - it's a major turn off! Especially the smell!
26
TUSH find someone of legal age to go to a sex shop for you. Or you know...have your kick @ss mom get one on the internet for you. Geez, teenagers can find someone to buy liquor for them no matter what part of the country they're in, I'm sure you can acquire a sex toy. Not that DIY sex toys aren't fun, but they do have a habit of appearing in REALLY embarrassing ER stories every once in awhile.
27
interesting column this week. not that i'm bragging but after reading i know for sho i'm not gay.
29
I don't know,
Maybe the problem some guys have with condoms being a boner killer is the thought: "Mama says I gotta wear this"...
Peace.
Maybe the problem some guys have with condoms being a boner killer is the thought: "Mama says I gotta wear this"...
Peace.
31
To #6 and others who have asked about how to clean your butt: Dan's talked about it before, if tangentially.
http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Savag…
Blogger Holly Pervocracy also has a detailed how-to guide:
http://pervocracy.blogspot.com/2011/11/b…
This should help those who are curious. (For the record, I haven't gotten to try anal myself yet. Still looking forward to that.)
http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Savag…
Blogger Holly Pervocracy also has a detailed how-to guide:
http://pervocracy.blogspot.com/2011/11/b…
This should help those who are curious. (For the record, I haven't gotten to try anal myself yet. Still looking forward to that.)
32
Just want to underscore what @3 said: Yes, definitely, this is the best reason to wear condoms - to get accustomed to it so that when you don't have a choice, you still find it pleasurable. This applies even more to straight men who have PIV sex with women (the V tends not to give the same kind of friction as the A).
33
OMG, TUSH. Massive fail when Dan said you don't have to use a condom. You MUST use one when getting OR giving anal. Why? Guys lie. Young guys are horny. Young guys haven't had decades of figuring out how truthful a BF is being. Guys until about 25 are more impulsive than after 25 (science has proven it) so even if BF is a true love he may slip up and cheat. Later (like after mid-20s) is a good time to be old enough to figure out whether to trust a partner who says they're monogamous and drop the condoms after both getting tested as HIV-negative. Even if BF gets a blow job from another guy he can give you all kinds of other STIs in your butt if you're not using condoms. (STIs in throat too from oral -- but at some point the risk is worth it for condom-free BJs as the danger of *deadly* STIs is very low from BJs, very high from unprotected anal.)
On lube -- many people prefer silicone based lubes for anal as it doesn't dry out or get sticky, the thing to do is to make sure the lube has no oils as that's what causes latex condoms to break. Also, a very few people have allergies to latex, there are polyisoprene condoms which are non-latex and somewhat flexible. Put an old towel or t-shirt under your butt. Santorum happens.
Plus when you say you can't do it -- maybe your BF is losing his hard on? Anal requires a slightly harder hard on than other stuff and it doesn't mean he's not into you, some guys don't like to give anal. I'm a top and often don't like to give anal. I don't like getting ever, and only enjoy giving if the bottom is really, really relaxed. The anal sphincter that many tops enjoy is a boner killer for me if it's at all tight, I'm thicker than average but have a very sensitive shaft underside and topping is quite uncomfortable for me unless the bottom is really loose.
More...
On lube -- many people prefer silicone based lubes for anal as it doesn't dry out or get sticky, the thing to do is to make sure the lube has no oils as that's what causes latex condoms to break. Also, a very few people have allergies to latex, there are polyisoprene condoms which are non-latex and somewhat flexible. Put an old towel or t-shirt under your butt. Santorum happens.
Plus when you say you can't do it -- maybe your BF is losing his hard on? Anal requires a slightly harder hard on than other stuff and it doesn't mean he's not into you, some guys don't like to give anal. I'm a top and often don't like to give anal. I don't like getting ever, and only enjoy giving if the bottom is really, really relaxed. The anal sphincter that many tops enjoy is a boner killer for me if it's at all tight, I'm thicker than average but have a very sensitive shaft underside and topping is quite uncomfortable for me unless the bottom is really loose.
34
wednesday morning, had coffee, breakfast, went to work, took a quick break to read Dan Savage's weekly column...
now there is no shower hot enough to get clean...
now there is no shower hot enough to get clean...
36
@27: All Dan's column applies to any kind of anal sex, no matter whose anus you're trying to get into. Stop being so smug and take a note or two.
37
So is anyone gonna chime in on the topic of getting "squeaky clean"? What's the best way to achieve that?
38
Dan, you're famous on BBC Radio! You got a mention (not by name, alas) about redefining Santorum. The Brits seemed -very- pleased with you. Have a listen: http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/console/b01…
40
I am kind of surprised so many people are mystified about how to clean their asses.
Get in the shower and clean it like everything else...with water and soap and some scrubbing.
Get in the shower and clean it like everything else...with water and soap and some scrubbing.
41
#40, people aren't talking about the outside. #25 (who should register already) has the right idea for how to take care of this.
42
When getting your butts and other sexy regions squeaky-clean, do not --I repeat-- DO NOT use antibacterial soap. Just use regular everyday soap.
Antibacterial does what it says, therefore, it kills the bad AND the good bacterias, breaking up the natural equilibrium of your bacterial ecosystem and allowing other microbes, such as fungus, to proliferate. They may become a nuisance later on in life.
Antibacterial does what it says, therefore, it kills the bad AND the good bacterias, breaking up the natural equilibrium of your bacterial ecosystem and allowing other microbes, such as fungus, to proliferate. They may become a nuisance later on in life.
43
I hope that no one thinks that because the sex ed at TUSH's school didn't cover gay sex and that because TUSH's mother wasn't able to answer TUSH's specific questions, either the school or the mother are supposed to give that information. That's Dan's job, just like it used to be the job of the boys pitching pennies at the corner to tell boys about straight sex.
My sex-ed in school dealt with birth control and V.D. After I graduated, I learned that kids were also learning about larger issues in health class: things like anorexia, domestic violence and suicide, things that kids need to know to keep them safe. At no point did anyone deal with getting turned on or sexual technique or sexual acts. I'm rather glad they didn't.
If you run into a problem, and the schools teach that help is available from a clinic, that's one thing. Being taught about something that mysterious and joyful in an authoritarian setting strikes me as creepy. Thanks, HighSchool, for not bringing up the Kama Sutra, oral sex, sexual positions, or achieving orgasm. (And thank-you boyfriends over the years for providing patience, instruction, and hot sex.) Besides, it's not the school's job. None of that has to do with the basic decisions that keep teenagers safe.
Same for TUSH's mother. How on earth is she supposed to supply specific information for her gay son? I wouldn't want her to give that for a straight daughter. It's enough that a mother give the general atmosphere of sex as something wonderful under the right circumstances. (Where is TUSH's father? Though I'd say the same to him.)
And here I'm going to reveal my ignorance of gay teenagers. Were there no fantasies? Was there nothing you were dying to try in imagination that would make it clear how to proceed in reality? I was as clueless a virgin as ever existed. (Well, probably not true. I did have information on what went into what.) But I did have an active fantasy life. I had an idea of what would feel good (even if it later didn't, at least not right away).
More...
My sex-ed in school dealt with birth control and V.D. After I graduated, I learned that kids were also learning about larger issues in health class: things like anorexia, domestic violence and suicide, things that kids need to know to keep them safe. At no point did anyone deal with getting turned on or sexual technique or sexual acts. I'm rather glad they didn't.
If you run into a problem, and the schools teach that help is available from a clinic, that's one thing. Being taught about something that mysterious and joyful in an authoritarian setting strikes me as creepy. Thanks, HighSchool, for not bringing up the Kama Sutra, oral sex, sexual positions, or achieving orgasm. (And thank-you boyfriends over the years for providing patience, instruction, and hot sex.) Besides, it's not the school's job. None of that has to do with the basic decisions that keep teenagers safe.
Same for TUSH's mother. How on earth is she supposed to supply specific information for her gay son? I wouldn't want her to give that for a straight daughter. It's enough that a mother give the general atmosphere of sex as something wonderful under the right circumstances. (Where is TUSH's father? Though I'd say the same to him.)
And here I'm going to reveal my ignorance of gay teenagers. Were there no fantasies? Was there nothing you were dying to try in imagination that would make it clear how to proceed in reality? I was as clueless a virgin as ever existed. (Well, probably not true. I did have information on what went into what.) But I did have an active fantasy life. I had an idea of what would feel good (even if it later didn't, at least not right away).
44
@41
I was under the impression that the inside should generally be pretty clean if the person is healthy and isn't "full". I also dunno how healthy it is to give yourself enemas every single time you want to get down, either.
@29
Call me old fashioned, but shouldn't the thought of having sores all over your junk be even more of a boner killer?
I was under the impression that the inside should generally be pretty clean if the person is healthy and isn't "full". I also dunno how healthy it is to give yourself enemas every single time you want to get down, either.
@29
Call me old fashioned, but shouldn't the thought of having sores all over your junk be even more of a boner killer?
45
* Maybe he should think "Dan Savage told me to wear this after writing me some personal erotica about anal sex" instead.
46
@41: You can't clean the inside without an enema basically, which people do not do before every time, and really should not. You just have to make sure you have unloaded yourself beforehand.
Anyone reading Dan Savage should know this by now, and honestly, I would have figured this was common sense. I mean, has anyone seen any kind of internal rectum sponge at the supermarket? Still mystified that people can not figure out how to clean their ass without step by step instruction.
The rectum is short-term storage, not long term. You should not have anything in there to clean out if you have taken care of this earlier, and are a healthy person.
Anyone reading Dan Savage should know this by now, and honestly, I would have figured this was common sense. I mean, has anyone seen any kind of internal rectum sponge at the supermarket? Still mystified that people can not figure out how to clean their ass without step by step instruction.
The rectum is short-term storage, not long term. You should not have anything in there to clean out if you have taken care of this earlier, and are a healthy person.
47
@43
I think you could convey what Dan was saying in sort of a simpler less explicit way. Or she could find an appropriate resource and leave it in his room. The explaination Dan gave wasn't (in my opinion) really personal or about the adventure of finding out what turns you on. It was about how to do something sexual safely. I don't think it would be bad news if schools included a version of that info.
When I was in highschool I had an older gay friend who was turning himself out. That was my sex ed.
I think you could convey what Dan was saying in sort of a simpler less explicit way. Or she could find an appropriate resource and leave it in his room. The explaination Dan gave wasn't (in my opinion) really personal or about the adventure of finding out what turns you on. It was about how to do something sexual safely. I don't think it would be bad news if schools included a version of that info.
When I was in highschool I had an older gay friend who was turning himself out. That was my sex ed.
49
@44 mydrasis-san,
Sigh, no one appreciates my attempts at humor :-(
@47,
(On a bad day) It seems like most school districts in the US would be lucky to cover contraception, let alone domestic violence or bullying. I may be wrong, but I would think a GSA would be a more reliable resource for what TUSH wants. Not to minimize TUSH's problem, but heck, I'd be happy if schools would be teaching debt management and budgeting, and other life skills that don't seem to make it as "education".
Peace.
Sigh, no one appreciates my attempts at humor :-(
@47,
(On a bad day) It seems like most school districts in the US would be lucky to cover contraception, let alone domestic violence or bullying. I may be wrong, but I would think a GSA would be a more reliable resource for what TUSH wants. Not to minimize TUSH's problem, but heck, I'd be happy if schools would be teaching debt management and budgeting, and other life skills that don't seem to make it as "education".
Peace.
50
@49
Hahaha - I'm sure some people do!
I'm pretty humourless about safe sex.
I think you're right about the school system though - they should be teaching all kinds of things that they don't. Learning budgeting would have been way more useful than gym class. God, I hated gym class.
Hahaha - I'm sure some people do!
I'm pretty humourless about safe sex.
I think you're right about the school system though - they should be teaching all kinds of things that they don't. Learning budgeting would have been way more useful than gym class. God, I hated gym class.
52
Dan, emphasize lube and going slow while all by himself and with fingers and butt plugs. And squeaky clean, too, needs the go slow, be careful and gentle. (steel wool makes things squeaky clean, but I wouldn't recommend it!!!)
53
@mydriasis- gym class may have sucked, but at least it was an hour so of erotica during the day! Adolescent self shame not withstanding!
55
In addition to the above great advice, I suggest poppers. Imported, not domestic. They can be found on the world wide interwebs.
57
I thought your advice was spot on.....very explicit but spot on. I think it's great that the young man felt comfortable enough to write in. The earlier you learn about things...the better. Im sure this will help this young couple! Great job Dan
D in Baltimore
D in Baltimore
60
@58: My brain cells are just fine, thank you. What's that? What did you say? Nap time? Where am I? Who are you!?
61
A while back my girlfriend at the time bought some lube that had grapefruit seed extract in it, just because she thought it would be slippery and natural. Turned out that it was specifically an anal lube and grapefruit seed extract is a numbing agent. Because neither of us could feel anything we couldn't get off and it took a couple tries to figure out what the problem was.
63
@62 Actually most condoms down here in the states come packaged already coated with lube. A lot of companies also started pushing special lubes that are suppose to be "pleasure enhancers" just a few years back.
64
@62 Well that depends on how long you're gonna fuck, the vaginas natural lube has to be constantly produced during the entire intercourse and can really diminish in both quantity and quality after only 10 minutes in some women, and if you plan on going at it for more then 40 minutes you really should add some extra lubricant to protect the mucus membranes. Also if the woman is going through any form of cancer treatment or any number of medications that reduce the production and efficiency of vaginal lube it can be very helpful.
65
Yep, it is definitely a changing world when a gay teen can even ask his mom about gay sex, and where an explanation on anal sex can include the line "listen to your mother".
Can't fault mom for not knowing what to say about gay sex. That she gave the condom speech makes her OK in my book.
I'm just glad that kids have resources like Dan around these days. When I was a teen who didn't know the first thing about these things the only options was trial and error. I wish we had this information just a mouse click away back then. Would have saved a lot of time and a fair bit of discomfort.
Can't fault mom for not knowing what to say about gay sex. That she gave the condom speech makes her OK in my book.
I'm just glad that kids have resources like Dan around these days. When I was a teen who didn't know the first thing about these things the only options was trial and error. I wish we had this information just a mouse click away back then. Would have saved a lot of time and a fair bit of discomfort.
66
@gash
Hahaha, yes, lubricated condoms are not exactly a new innovation. In fact, we have them all the way up here! That's sort of to my point?
@friends
Ten minutes? That's pretty shocking.
I've never had that kind of problem, and kind of assumed that my experience was typical of young people (terminal illnesses being a seperate issue).
Hahaha, yes, lubricated condoms are not exactly a new innovation. In fact, we have them all the way up here! That's sort of to my point?
@friends
Ten minutes? That's pretty shocking.
I've never had that kind of problem, and kind of assumed that my experience was typical of young people (terminal illnesses being a seperate issue).
67
Squeaky clean: Give yourself a quick water enema before-hand. There's kits, there's even shower head attachments.
68
@66 mydriasis,
My wife went through a "dry spell" before her anti-allergy treatments (using antigen injections, I believe) were completed. For a while there pretty much every mucous membrane she had was dried out. Even when you aren't dried out, it's kind of fun to get super slippery sometimes.
Peace.
My wife went through a "dry spell" before her anti-allergy treatments (using antigen injections, I believe) were completed. For a while there pretty much every mucous membrane she had was dried out. Even when you aren't dried out, it's kind of fun to get super slippery sometimes.
Peace.
69
@66 Lucky you. You know what they say about assumptions.
(Sorry, this is a sore spot with me. I don't stay lubricated very long, so comments like yours @62 read like there's something wrong with me. Condoms seem to just completely dry up my own natural lubrication. I get ten minutes if I'm lucky.)
(Sorry, this is a sore spot with me. I don't stay lubricated very long, so comments like yours @62 read like there's something wrong with me. Condoms seem to just completely dry up my own natural lubrication. I get ten minutes if I'm lucky.)
72
@71
Is that supposed to be a fat joke? Or... I don't get it?
Besides, that doesn't even fit the bill for ageist.
So... fail on both counts I guess.
@69/68
Hey, live and learn.
Diversity is a beautiful thing.
Is that supposed to be a fat joke? Or... I don't get it?
Besides, that doesn't even fit the bill for ageist.
So... fail on both counts I guess.
@69/68
Hey, live and learn.
Diversity is a beautiful thing.
74
Every now and then I read your column and always find it intriguing. I don't have a problem or question, I just thought I would share that I have an amazing hot lover that satisfies me and i her on a regular basis. We are healthy happy and she is wonderful. Thank you for your work and best of luck to all of us looking for happiness.
75
@73
Haha, easy tiger.
If not needing the drug store's assistance to get wet makes me "bad at sex" then.... I think you have kind of a twisted view of what makes sex good? But as I said above, it takes all kinds of folks to make the world go 'round.
Haha, easy tiger.
If not needing the drug store's assistance to get wet makes me "bad at sex" then.... I think you have kind of a twisted view of what makes sex good? But as I said above, it takes all kinds of folks to make the world go 'round.
76
Just to chime in with the "that was totally hot" crowd...that was totally hot.
And I've used lube for vaginal sex for years. I just like it. I'm not always as naturally wet as I could be when I'm turned on, no big deal.
And I've used lube for vaginal sex for years. I just like it. I'm not always as naturally wet as I could be when I'm turned on, no big deal.
77
All solid advice for TUSH, but I'd like to add a little bit about cleanliness.
There are douches and enemas and the like, and some people prefer them, but I want to stress that they are not essential.
My boyfriend and I have excellent anal sex (taking turns to bottom) and we only rarely use internal flush-outs devices of any kind. Our clean-out procedure is usually as follows:
1) Sit on the toilet for a while. Be patient, relax, and let your body get rid of anything that's hanging around in there. If you're not too eager to get started, doing this for a good ten minutes is not excessive. Don't push hard, though - just relax and let your body do its thing.
2) Wipe gently. I can't over-stress this. Several times I've fucked up the entire process by being too rough during clean-up and making myself too tender for fucking. If you have access to a bidet, use it. In fact, minimal clean-up is required, because next you will...
3) Have a shower. Get yourself soaped up thoroughly and get squeaky clean. (Uh, but don't get any soap inside yourself. That stings.) Again, be gentle. Don't use a rough sponge or loofah. Be kind to that sensitive hole of yours.
That's it! Dry off (yet again, gentle with that towel!) and off you go. My boyfriend and I will quite happily engage in all kinds of play after this, including rimming (which is AWESOME - first thing that ever made me realise anal play could feel good). The only thing we'll use a full flush-out for is fisting, because I top in that activity and I'm squeamish about poo. :P
One thing people won't often mention about intrusive flush-out methods is that they can cause irritation and actually make anal less comfortable. Your colon is lined with sensitive membranes, and water isn't supposed to be up there.
Another thing douche advocates may not mention is that water can get trapped a long way up, and get expelled at really bad times. This is pretty disgusting when it happens - Santorum galore. If you decide to go with a flush-out device, spend a LONG time making sure all of that water has been expelled from your body before you start playing.
I learned a lot from a book I bought years ago... urm, I think it was called The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Men. Cleaning, positions, easing into it... lots of great advice. I wouldn't be the slut I am today without it.
More...
There are douches and enemas and the like, and some people prefer them, but I want to stress that they are not essential.
My boyfriend and I have excellent anal sex (taking turns to bottom) and we only rarely use internal flush-outs devices of any kind. Our clean-out procedure is usually as follows:
1) Sit on the toilet for a while. Be patient, relax, and let your body get rid of anything that's hanging around in there. If you're not too eager to get started, doing this for a good ten minutes is not excessive. Don't push hard, though - just relax and let your body do its thing.
2) Wipe gently. I can't over-stress this. Several times I've fucked up the entire process by being too rough during clean-up and making myself too tender for fucking. If you have access to a bidet, use it. In fact, minimal clean-up is required, because next you will...
3) Have a shower. Get yourself soaped up thoroughly and get squeaky clean. (Uh, but don't get any soap inside yourself. That stings.) Again, be gentle. Don't use a rough sponge or loofah. Be kind to that sensitive hole of yours.
That's it! Dry off (yet again, gentle with that towel!) and off you go. My boyfriend and I will quite happily engage in all kinds of play after this, including rimming (which is AWESOME - first thing that ever made me realise anal play could feel good). The only thing we'll use a full flush-out for is fisting, because I top in that activity and I'm squeamish about poo. :P
One thing people won't often mention about intrusive flush-out methods is that they can cause irritation and actually make anal less comfortable. Your colon is lined with sensitive membranes, and water isn't supposed to be up there.
Another thing douche advocates may not mention is that water can get trapped a long way up, and get expelled at really bad times. This is pretty disgusting when it happens - Santorum galore. If you decide to go with a flush-out device, spend a LONG time making sure all of that water has been expelled from your body before you start playing.
I learned a lot from a book I bought years ago... urm, I think it was called The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Men. Cleaning, positions, easing into it... lots of great advice. I wouldn't be the slut I am today without it.
78
@17 - Snap. Fingernails, knuckles, rough skin... fingers suck for anal play. Stick with toys and cocks.
79
The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women, 2nd Edition by Tristan Taormino is a great guide for beginners. Obviously the clitoral stuff won't apply to a guy, but the info about lube, foreplay, hygiene, technique are applicable to anyone with an asshole. I believe Dan has had Tristan on his show in the past. I recommend you add this book to your collection (or what I affectionately call the "Dan Savage Book Club").
80
@62 - If there is one thing I wish I had learned about sex in junior high (as a straight girl), it was about how natural vaginal lubricant may not be enough. I spent years feeling inadequate because I wasn't "wet" enough... as soon as I was introduced to the concept of lube, it was a total game-changer. So yes, people under 80 use lube for vaginal intercourse.
81
@43 I think an overemphasis on keeping kids safe actually makes kids less safe. The "safety first" cultural attitude forces every decision a teenager makes into two categories: bad, and good. Drugs are bad. Studying is good. Sex is bad. Vegetables are good. It's an attitude that does not encourage critical thinking, research, or competence. The result is, when teenagers decide to something bad such as have sex, doing it in a safe and enjoyable way hardly even occurs to them. The teenager who wrote to Dan could have easily googled anal sex and figured it out himself, or taken a few minutes to think through the pros and cons of condom use. Instead, he sought out a higher authority, because that is what society brainwashes kids to do. TUSH is obviously very concerned with what adults think, that is why he brought up bullying, suicide, and drugs, which have nothing to do with sex (hopefully) but everything to do with how society views teenagers. TUSH is lucky he has no authority figures in his life who tell him homosexuality is a sin.
Anal sex is also a safety issue. That area of the body is sensitive and if it is injured there can be disastrous consequences. Sex is also important to mental health. That is why in England, the government hands out pamphlets encouraging teenagers to masturbate on a regular basis. Imagine if they did that in America. Conservatives would probably commit mass suicide.
Anal sex is also a safety issue. That area of the body is sensitive and if it is injured there can be disastrous consequences. Sex is also important to mental health. That is why in England, the government hands out pamphlets encouraging teenagers to masturbate on a regular basis. Imagine if they did that in America. Conservatives would probably commit mass suicide.
82
I am a straight man but wholly accepting that gay or bi men are no different that I. We share the same roots, we didn't choose our sexuality.
I say this because I want to preface how fucking amazing your response to Tush was. I was totally turned on. First time that's ever happened. That was clear channeling of erotica and orientation meant nothing. Well done!
I say this because I want to preface how fucking amazing your response to Tush was. I was totally turned on. First time that's ever happened. That was clear channeling of erotica and orientation meant nothing. Well done!
83
"Anal done right isn't painful..."
I agree in general, but that really depends on what you're going for. Sometimes when I have anal sex, I want it to hurt.
I agree in general, but that really depends on what you're going for. Sometimes when I have anal sex, I want it to hurt.
85
Poppers are a nitrate, Viva, and should never ever be used with any boner pills like Viagra or Cialis. Be sure to include that bit of info the next time your pimpimg out poppers
86
@81, I'm not sure you understand the importance of TUSH writing to Dan - yes, it's important for TUSH to get information, but it's also important to simply have this information out there for other people in TUSH's situation, and because Dan Savage's column is widely read - TUSH was absolutely right in asking someone who clearly knows what he's talking about. Simply googling "safe anal" doesn't necessarily give you accurate information - it's the same as using webmd instead of seeing a doctor. There is too much information on the internet, and it's not always reliable.
I also think that generalizing sex into the category of a "bad" teenage activity is part of the problem. Sex is NOT a "bad" thing to do, and being sexual is part of human nature - so telling kids that having sexual urges or wanting to experiment is wrong - it creates a lot of self-hate and unnecessary shame. It's tough enough to be a teenager today without being told that you're natural urges and feelings are wrong.
Lastly, yes anal sex can be dangerous - but so can vaginal sex and oral sex. The entire point of Dan's message was how to have SAFE anal sex.
I also think that generalizing sex into the category of a "bad" teenage activity is part of the problem. Sex is NOT a "bad" thing to do, and being sexual is part of human nature - so telling kids that having sexual urges or wanting to experiment is wrong - it creates a lot of self-hate and unnecessary shame. It's tough enough to be a teenager today without being told that you're natural urges and feelings are wrong.
Lastly, yes anal sex can be dangerous - but so can vaginal sex and oral sex. The entire point of Dan's message was how to have SAFE anal sex.
87
@33: Nope. Dan said TUSH should use condoms, for (in part) exactly the reasons you list. However, because all of us are entitled to bodily autonomy/agency, no one must use condoms for any sort of sex (unless one's partner[s] put[s] condom use out there as a requirement for any or a given sexual activity, in which case consent is dependent upon condom use, and not using a condom - starting with one and removing it later or simply starting said activity sans condom - would be rape).
88
@62 As much as I hate to agree with Hunter78, your statement is ignorant and ageist, if for no other reason than the fact that menopause occurs much earlier than 80 years.
89
@86 I think you are removing what I said from the context in which I said it. I was responding to somebody who is grossed out by the idea of sex ed classes teaching anal technique to teenagers. I didn't say anal is dangerous because I am trying to make anal sex seem terrifying. I said it is dangerous because I was replying to somebody who thinks high school classes should only teach about things that concern safety... so I was making the point that anal sex technique actually is about safety.
I don't think TUSH did anything wrong by asking Dan for advice, but I admit I find his approval seeking behavior distasteful. I was using that behavior as an example to make a point about health class and the way society conditions young people to behave. Society conditions teenagers to submit to the will of authority, and it does not teach teenagers how to use their own judgment.
You're correct that googling safe anal will not always yield good advice. However, asking gay men for advice will not always result in good advice either. There is bad advice and good advice to be found from every possible source, and it is our job to be sort out good information from bad, no matter what the source is. I think it is depressing that so many people cannot sort out truth from fiction without being told what to think. We aren’t mindless drones who must accept all information that is funneled into our heads without question.
It's funny that you compare Dan Savage to a doctor. He is just a regular guy who writes about sex for a living. If you think teenagers should seek out the most knowledgeable people possible, TUSH should be talking to a real doctor, e-mailing somebody who studies sex for a living, checking out research papers on anal sex from the library, ect. I'm not saying Dan's advice is bad, because it isn't, but reading a sex advice column is not really that much different from googling. I have seen plenty of sex columns with stupid advice.
Please don't take this as a bash against Dan. I am very glad he is around to advise people to approach sex in a thoughtful and careful, yet non-fearful, way. It's not Dan's fault that kids are so helpless and pathetic. It's the fault of society for demanding that kids be perfect, and for treating that any stray from perfection is a sign of that kid being a "failure." TUSH thought of himself as a failure, and I am happy that Dan is around to tell him he is in fact, not a failure. I just regret that he ever thought he was a failure in the first place and he needed somebody to tell him otherwise. I can’t help but be depressed that he feels the need to justify his homosexuality by saying he was never bullied, suicidal, or a drug user. It's pathetic. It’s like when you hear a black person tell you they are not “ghetto.”
The only reason I'm going on this anti-society rant in the first place is because I was replying to somebody who thinks health class is fine and dandy the way it is. Health class is just another part of the larger education machine that beats logic and common sense out of children and conditions them to hate themselves for stupid reasons. If TUSH were not a victim of our educational system, this letter would have never been written. That’s a hypothetical situation though, and since we are living in the real world, it’s a good thing that education victims are able to write to Dan and get good advice. I basically agree with you, I think.
More...
I don't think TUSH did anything wrong by asking Dan for advice, but I admit I find his approval seeking behavior distasteful. I was using that behavior as an example to make a point about health class and the way society conditions young people to behave. Society conditions teenagers to submit to the will of authority, and it does not teach teenagers how to use their own judgment.
You're correct that googling safe anal will not always yield good advice. However, asking gay men for advice will not always result in good advice either. There is bad advice and good advice to be found from every possible source, and it is our job to be sort out good information from bad, no matter what the source is. I think it is depressing that so many people cannot sort out truth from fiction without being told what to think. We aren’t mindless drones who must accept all information that is funneled into our heads without question.
It's funny that you compare Dan Savage to a doctor. He is just a regular guy who writes about sex for a living. If you think teenagers should seek out the most knowledgeable people possible, TUSH should be talking to a real doctor, e-mailing somebody who studies sex for a living, checking out research papers on anal sex from the library, ect. I'm not saying Dan's advice is bad, because it isn't, but reading a sex advice column is not really that much different from googling. I have seen plenty of sex columns with stupid advice.
Please don't take this as a bash against Dan. I am very glad he is around to advise people to approach sex in a thoughtful and careful, yet non-fearful, way. It's not Dan's fault that kids are so helpless and pathetic. It's the fault of society for demanding that kids be perfect, and for treating that any stray from perfection is a sign of that kid being a "failure." TUSH thought of himself as a failure, and I am happy that Dan is around to tell him he is in fact, not a failure. I just regret that he ever thought he was a failure in the first place and he needed somebody to tell him otherwise. I can’t help but be depressed that he feels the need to justify his homosexuality by saying he was never bullied, suicidal, or a drug user. It's pathetic. It’s like when you hear a black person tell you they are not “ghetto.”
The only reason I'm going on this anti-society rant in the first place is because I was replying to somebody who thinks health class is fine and dandy the way it is. Health class is just another part of the larger education machine that beats logic and common sense out of children and conditions them to hate themselves for stupid reasons. If TUSH were not a victim of our educational system, this letter would have never been written. That’s a hypothetical situation though, and since we are living in the real world, it’s a good thing that education victims are able to write to Dan and get good advice. I basically agree with you, I think.
90
Ms Comment - Not being bullied/suicidal/drugging might have seemed like potentially useful information, especially given the way the letter was framed.
I think you're attempting to avoid victim-blaming, but not quite succeeding. I'll agree that society has much for which to answer.
I think you're attempting to avoid victim-blaming, but not quite succeeding. I'll agree that society has much for which to answer.
92
@90 Really? I don't see how that is useful information.
I honestly don't think TUSH deserves blame. My attitude was really similar when I was 17. I despise myself for it but I don't put the blame on myself.
I honestly don't think TUSH deserves blame. My attitude was really similar when I was 17. I despise myself for it but I don't put the blame on myself.
93
@89,
HA, googling safe anal sex is (very soon) likely to point to this column! For that reason, amongst others, let's hope we get things right and easily understood.
I've learned a lot about many things that a straight, monogamous, married father might never know to be important. It doesn't hurt that a lot of it is fun, funny, and wickedly erotic.
Peace.
HA, googling safe anal sex is (very soon) likely to point to this column! For that reason, amongst others, let's hope we get things right and easily understood.
I've learned a lot about many things that a straight, monogamous, married father might never know to be important. It doesn't hurt that a lot of it is fun, funny, and wickedly erotic.
Peace.
94
@88
Sigh.
It was meant to be an exaggeration. And again, I don't think it really qualifies as ageist, but if you have a case for why associating a specific, hormone-related loss of function with aging is offensive (offensive to who?) then I'm glad to hear it.
The reason I asked is because I've never experienced the need to use it myself and never heard of a friend using it either. I was legitimately wondering if this was a 'manufactured need' situation. I figured there was a chance that people would be uptight about the facetious way I phrased it, but it's SL, so less than usual.
Sigh.
It was meant to be an exaggeration. And again, I don't think it really qualifies as ageist, but if you have a case for why associating a specific, hormone-related loss of function with aging is offensive (offensive to who?) then I'm glad to hear it.
The reason I asked is because I've never experienced the need to use it myself and never heard of a friend using it either. I was legitimately wondering if this was a 'manufactured need' situation. I figured there was a chance that people would be uptight about the facetious way I phrased it, but it's SL, so less than usual.
95
"...your boyfriend will be a better top if he knows what it feels like to be penetrated and enjoys penetration himself."
All hetero guys who think their girls owe them anal need to read and heed this sentence.
"...your boyfriend may be tempted to start banging away, porn-star style, but that would be a huge mistake."
And this one. Too many guys think anal feels for us everyday girls who dabble in it maybe once every election cycle the same way it feels for starlets like Belladonna, Bisexual Britni, or any of the hundreds of actresses who've taken it up the ass a thousand times because that's what they do for a living. Read and heed.
All hetero guys who think their girls owe them anal need to read and heed this sentence.
"...your boyfriend may be tempted to start banging away, porn-star style, but that would be a huge mistake."
And this one. Too many guys think anal feels for us everyday girls who dabble in it maybe once every election cycle the same way it feels for starlets like Belladonna, Bisexual Britni, or any of the hundreds of actresses who've taken it up the ass a thousand times because that's what they do for a living. Read and heed.
96
Most of the advice Dan gave to TUSH I learned by reading Harry Potter slash written by straight middle-aged women. It's all there: going slowly, lots of lube, fingers, butt plugs, cleaning, different positions... :-)
97
I don't know about anyone else, but I wanted to throw up when I read the part about "santorum" "all over the place"...people do realize that that means 'fecal coliform bacteria/hepatitis viruses "all over the place" AS WELL.
98
It's exaggerated in the same sense as "Negroes like watermelon."
You've repeatedly expressed your dislike of older people since you got on this column. One fine early example was when you hurled "geriatric" at me twice in four words.* What the fuck was that supposed to mean? I called you on your ageism then and there, and I've never regretted the call.
At your age you'd better be drenching when he starts rubbing.
It won't always be that way, and you won't have to wait till you're 80.
Geriatric poster is geriatric.
You've repeatedly expressed your dislike of older people since you got on this column. One fine early example was when you hurled "geriatric" at me twice in four words.* What the fuck was that supposed to mean? I called you on your ageism then and there, and I've never regretted the call.
At your age you'd better be drenching when he starts rubbing.
It won't always be that way, and you won't have to wait till you're 80.
Geriatric poster is geriatric.
99
Hey now. Y'all need to back off mydriasis @whatever comment was made about lube for vaginal sex. Her experience is not your experience, etc etc. Tact goes a long way in both directions.
I use lube for vaginal sex that involves insertion of anything that doesn't have skin. I also use lube when I masturbate with or without insertables. Female ejaculate (I know, this is going to start the pee or not pee arguement again) is a different consistancy than regular vaginal secretions, and will flush away all that luscious wetness, so lube for extended g spot fun followed by a good fucking. And I use lube for round 3, 4 or more, when the semen from the previous rounds gets a bit tacky. I love good lube, and I'm bummed that my favorite has been discontinued. If anyone can get me some Hydra Smooth on the black market, let me know.
I use lube for vaginal sex that involves insertion of anything that doesn't have skin. I also use lube when I masturbate with or without insertables. Female ejaculate (I know, this is going to start the pee or not pee arguement again) is a different consistancy than regular vaginal secretions, and will flush away all that luscious wetness, so lube for extended g spot fun followed by a good fucking. And I use lube for round 3, 4 or more, when the semen from the previous rounds gets a bit tacky. I love good lube, and I'm bummed that my favorite has been discontinued. If anyone can get me some Hydra Smooth on the black market, let me know.
100
@98
Actually it's not even close!
Joke is, you go on to make essentially the exact same statement (just in different terms). That lube isn't for young people because we'd "better" be drenched. (See the many posts above where people said this wasn't the case). If you think it's offensive to be compared to someone older than yourself, then you're the ageist one, not me.
Re: the geriatric phrase... I vaguely remember posting that phrase. I think it was because you expressed some sort of out of touch bigoted viewpoint or used some sort of previously-acceptable-now-offensive nomenclature (like the one at the top of your post! I felt like I was reading an except from to Kill a Mockingbird). I think in that case I was making reference to your age to suggeset that you weren't actually as racist/homophobic/whatever as your post implied, just out of touch. Much in the way that people's parents and grandparents say things that weren't offensive in their time but are offensive now.
Your posts are peppered with such language. Plus also you're a bully.
That's why I don't feel bad about offending you.
Which clearly I have!
Get a fucking tissue and get over it.
Actually it's not even close!
Joke is, you go on to make essentially the exact same statement (just in different terms). That lube isn't for young people because we'd "better" be drenched. (See the many posts above where people said this wasn't the case). If you think it's offensive to be compared to someone older than yourself, then you're the ageist one, not me.
Re: the geriatric phrase... I vaguely remember posting that phrase. I think it was because you expressed some sort of out of touch bigoted viewpoint or used some sort of previously-acceptable-now-offensive nomenclature (like the one at the top of your post! I felt like I was reading an except from to Kill a Mockingbird). I think in that case I was making reference to your age to suggeset that you weren't actually as racist/homophobic/whatever as your post implied, just out of touch. Much in the way that people's parents and grandparents say things that weren't offensive in their time but are offensive now.
Your posts are peppered with such language. Plus also you're a bully.
That's why I don't feel bad about offending you.
Which clearly I have!
Get a fucking tissue and get over it.
102
#77: Thanks for the great info. Although your process may work okay for a co-habitating couple who plan in advance, what about those out for a good time?
What I mean is suppose you are out at a bar for a few hours and hookup? Or have a dinner date that lasts awhile and then go home together? You can't very well do some extensive bathroom process while the other guy waits.
Also, unless you have super clockwork bowels, you are not going to be clean enough without douching. I am an athlete and find that my regularity varies day to day. Some days I just know its not going to be a good idea to bottom.
Finally, I would disagree about sitting on the commode for extended periods of time. That can lead to hemmorhoids. A doctor told me once that unless your body starts right away when you sit, you should leave and come back later.
What I mean is suppose you are out at a bar for a few hours and hookup? Or have a dinner date that lasts awhile and then go home together? You can't very well do some extensive bathroom process while the other guy waits.
Also, unless you have super clockwork bowels, you are not going to be clean enough without douching. I am an athlete and find that my regularity varies day to day. Some days I just know its not going to be a good idea to bottom.
Finally, I would disagree about sitting on the commode for extended periods of time. That can lead to hemmorhoids. A doctor told me once that unless your body starts right away when you sit, you should leave and come back later.
105
@103 One doesn't even need to give birth. I'm 21 and I need lube more often than not. I suspect it's the birth control pills, but even before that I needed the extra boost of wetness.
106
Agrees with 94:) Don't even have to have kids for that matter,or a"hormone related lack of function" lol.
108
@ mydriasis
Your comment about lube insinuated that there is something 'wrong' with females under 80 who don't produce enough natural lube. This seems like a poor place to make other women feel sexually inadequate, and it's very sex-negative. The last thing females need is to have to deal with excessive friction and potential tearing down there because they feel too self-conscious to admit they need lube.
I produce plenty of natural lube, so my BF was surprised when I suggested we drop by the naughty store to pick up some good-quality lube. But when one is having sex 4-6 times a day, the friction can add up to equal very sore lady parts, and I wasn't too shy to ask for extra assistance from a bottle. This resulted in more, better sex for both of us, which is kind of what this column is all about.
I truly hope no young females read your comment and are later too self-conscious to admit lube could help them. This is, again, a poor place to make others feel bad about their sexual physicality.
Your comment about lube insinuated that there is something 'wrong' with females under 80 who don't produce enough natural lube. This seems like a poor place to make other women feel sexually inadequate, and it's very sex-negative. The last thing females need is to have to deal with excessive friction and potential tearing down there because they feel too self-conscious to admit they need lube.
I produce plenty of natural lube, so my BF was surprised when I suggested we drop by the naughty store to pick up some good-quality lube. But when one is having sex 4-6 times a day, the friction can add up to equal very sore lady parts, and I wasn't too shy to ask for extra assistance from a bottle. This resulted in more, better sex for both of us, which is kind of what this column is all about.
I truly hope no young females read your comment and are later too self-conscious to admit lube could help them. This is, again, a poor place to make others feel bad about their sexual physicality.
109
Late to the party discussing lube, but, as I have pointed out here previously, another reason women of any age might need extra lube is if they've smoked some pot prior to sex. You know cotton mouth? Well, pot also causes cotton eyes (murder when wearing contacts), and, well, since there is no censoring on this message board, cotton cunt.
Sorry if someone mentioned it previously; I didn't see it.
Sorry if someone mentioned it previously; I didn't see it.
110
@108
The thing about questions is that you ask them because you don't already know the answer.
As I said above, the idea that young healthy people would need to use an outside product to do something their bodies are "supposed" to do was foriegn to me. I had always thought that lube was for
1. anal
2. those who had special reasons they weren't able to produce enough natural lubricant, especially due to aging.
So I asked a question. It was meant to express the fact that I was pretty clueless about it, that's why I said it in a kind of absurd way. Some people were offended, some people weren't. And if you actually read through the responses and replies, you'll see some actual sex-negativity @73, and you'll also see that I'm not judging people who do need to use lube (for whatever reason). Anyway, if this wasn't already implied earlier, I'm sorry if it offended you. As I pointed out, some people are more sensitive than others about needing their own personal preferences/needs validated.
And finally, with regards to those hypothetical young women reading these comments? They might read my comment and think "oh shit, is there something wrong with me?" (or, they might think "I do - this girl is clueless!") and then they would continue reading and see about half a dozen women giving their own stories that show her (and me) that it isn't the case.
Having a discourse and learning about eachother. I think that is what this column is about. And I think that does lead to better sex. Don't you?
The thing about questions is that you ask them because you don't already know the answer.
As I said above, the idea that young healthy people would need to use an outside product to do something their bodies are "supposed" to do was foriegn to me. I had always thought that lube was for
1. anal
2. those who had special reasons they weren't able to produce enough natural lubricant, especially due to aging.
So I asked a question. It was meant to express the fact that I was pretty clueless about it, that's why I said it in a kind of absurd way. Some people were offended, some people weren't. And if you actually read through the responses and replies, you'll see some actual sex-negativity @73, and you'll also see that I'm not judging people who do need to use lube (for whatever reason). Anyway, if this wasn't already implied earlier, I'm sorry if it offended you. As I pointed out, some people are more sensitive than others about needing their own personal preferences/needs validated.
And finally, with regards to those hypothetical young women reading these comments? They might read my comment and think "oh shit, is there something wrong with me?" (or, they might think "I do - this girl is clueless!") and then they would continue reading and see about half a dozen women giving their own stories that show her (and me) that it isn't the case.
Having a discourse and learning about eachother. I think that is what this column is about. And I think that does lead to better sex. Don't you?
112
Do we really need anymore explanations about how mydriasis didn't mean it like that, but is sorry that you were too stupid or "sensitive" to interpet it as such? Lol, sorry. I kind of agree mydriasis were dumped on unfairly, but when the apology is worse than the offense, the situation just deteriates into a contest of outrage and insults. If it wasn't for the treasure trove of info her detractors have provided, I'd say this entire thread has gone to the dump.
113
@110 I can see why it might seem to you that this is something that's just supposed to work in young healthy adults, but evolution never accounted for anything beyond 20 minutes really, nor did it account for all the weird stuff we put in our bodies nowadays (chemicals in our food, over the counter medications, hormonal birthcontrol, tampons) or condoms or going at it six times in one day.
Also I want to add that i never perceived you as judgemental, just a bit clueless ;-)
Also I want to add that i never perceived you as judgemental, just a bit clueless ;-)
114
@112
Oh lawd.
Pretty much everyone's sensitive about something.
Stuff like this happens on SL all the time and if you go back a few weeks you'll see a comment thread where I was the one being sensitive in a very similar thread. Being sensitive isn't a "bad" thing and it has nothing to do with being "stupid".
Heck, I'd go so far as to say that I'm sensitive about more things than most - I certainly don't mean it as an insult.
Oh lawd.
Pretty much everyone's sensitive about something.
Stuff like this happens on SL all the time and if you go back a few weeks you'll see a comment thread where I was the one being sensitive in a very similar thread. Being sensitive isn't a "bad" thing and it has nothing to do with being "stupid".
Heck, I'd go so far as to say that I'm sensitive about more things than most - I certainly don't mean it as an insult.
115
@108, 110:
I'm not personally offended, as I am unusually sexually confident. I would love to think other women (particularly young ones) share my confidence in themselves and their bodies, but sadly, that's not always the case. It's up to us to encourage our fellow ladies to embrace their physical quirks, and how we frame our questions plays a part in that.
And what's fair for the goose is fair for the gander- had you implied that a young man who needed Viagra to do what his body is "supposed" to do must be 80, I would again say that this isn't the place for that kind of negativity towards sexuality.
Just trying to encourage you (and others) to think about how you phrase questions about emotionally touchy subjects- which perceived sexual inadequacy is for most (all?) people.
(Re: 73, when people feel insulted by one's comments, they tend to insult one in return. Are you new to the Internet, or just- I'm kidding, I'm kidding! :-p )
I'm not personally offended, as I am unusually sexually confident. I would love to think other women (particularly young ones) share my confidence in themselves and their bodies, but sadly, that's not always the case. It's up to us to encourage our fellow ladies to embrace their physical quirks, and how we frame our questions plays a part in that.
And what's fair for the goose is fair for the gander- had you implied that a young man who needed Viagra to do what his body is "supposed" to do must be 80, I would again say that this isn't the place for that kind of negativity towards sexuality.
Just trying to encourage you (and others) to think about how you phrase questions about emotionally touchy subjects- which perceived sexual inadequacy is for most (all?) people.
(Re: 73, when people feel insulted by one's comments, they tend to insult one in return. Are you new to the Internet, or just- I'm kidding, I'm kidding! :-p )
116
@115: I'm sorry, but if there is a teenager out there somewhere who starts feeling sexually inadequate because of the phrasing of one random question on the internet that isn't even directed at her, then that girl has much bigger problems that need to be adressed and lack of natural lube is a non-issue because that person is clearly too damaged to be allowed to have sex.
117
@110: I'll go with "clueless" as an adequate explanation and leave it at that.
(Perimenopause, antidepressants, antihistamines, stress, marathon sessions, quickies, alternate orifices/appendages/implements, et cetera. Use your imagination. And try to stay away from the little-old-lady-who-farts-dust trope in future.)
Meanwhile, why not try a bottle? You might discover something fun and useful you didn't know about before.
(Perimenopause, antidepressants, antihistamines, stress, marathon sessions, quickies, alternate orifices/appendages/implements, et cetera. Use your imagination. And try to stay away from the little-old-lady-who-farts-dust trope in future.)
Meanwhile, why not try a bottle? You might discover something fun and useful you didn't know about before.
118
Dan always makes anal sex sound like such a huge production. Are there really so many guys who find it this difficult?
I'm female, but I like pegging, and I've done it with a few different guys, and none of them required this kind of preparation, even though none of them had done anal play before. A couple minutes of fingering with lube and then putting lube on the strap-on has always been fine.
Granted, I don't use huge dildos- they're basically the size of an average-sized penis. So maybe guys with huge penises have more trouble getting into their bottoms? But I can't imagine why it would be this much of a production if the top has an average sized penis.
I'm female, but I like pegging, and I've done it with a few different guys, and none of them required this kind of preparation, even though none of them had done anal play before. A couple minutes of fingering with lube and then putting lube on the strap-on has always been fine.
Granted, I don't use huge dildos- they're basically the size of an average-sized penis. So maybe guys with huge penises have more trouble getting into their bottoms? But I can't imagine why it would be this much of a production if the top has an average sized penis.
119
@188 I think it is a psychological problem, not a physical problem. People are conditioned to think sex should happen naturally, and if it takes even the slightest amount of effort to successfully have sex, you've screwed it up somehow. Dan advises them to take a long time because they are anxious.
120
Dan's advice about practicing is very on point. I didn't start that way, but eventually got a bf who took some serious time to break me in... starting with latex gloves and a lot of lube.
Straight guys should all try adding that to their JO regime. After you've massaged your prostate a few times, well...
Regarding condoms, I've found that even with committed BFs I sort of like the cleanliness factor. I hope everyone gets my point. It's way more sexy to take off a condom that take a shower...
Straight guys should all try adding that to their JO regime. After you've massaged your prostate a few times, well...
Regarding condoms, I've found that even with committed BFs I sort of like the cleanliness factor. I hope everyone gets my point. It's way more sexy to take off a condom that take a shower...
121
I can see the benefits of Dan's long, detailed description, but for the most part I don't think doing anal has to be such a big crisis. If you've had a BM, but not too recently, and you take reasonable efforts to clean yourself afterward and in the shower, I'd say you're good to go.
I'm partial to Astroglide. Dan's idea of getting a (smooth) finger in there while you're getting off some other way is excellent advice. This allows your mind/body to associate contact in that area with sexual pleasure, as opposed to taking a dump or having an exam in a doctor's office! It allows you to spread some lube, and relax the area, and just get used to having it touched that way.
Then if all is well, try putting the tip in with even more lube. LOTS of lube. Maybe your partner wants to rub himself to ensure that he stays really hard, because that makes it easier to control the penetration. Dan's suggestion to hold still at first after penetration is also excellent. Let everything relax. I find it helpful to be in the right mindset: feeling that it's okay to relax, take it easy, and that I can stop whenever I feel like it. There's no "goal" that has to be met--just enjoy whatever happens and gradually try to start moving more.
Three positions that might be helpful to try first are 1) spooning on your sides with knees drawn up slightly to relax the spine, 2) standing on your knees on the bed, knees spread just slightly apart, with hands on the wall for support, and 3) standing beside the bed, thighs braced against the bed, hands on the bed, legs spread just slightly but not too far. These positions either help those muscles relax or help the bottom person feel more in control of the process--i.e. you can push back more or less, or retreat as needed, so it happens at the right pace for you.
More...
I'm partial to Astroglide. Dan's idea of getting a (smooth) finger in there while you're getting off some other way is excellent advice. This allows your mind/body to associate contact in that area with sexual pleasure, as opposed to taking a dump or having an exam in a doctor's office! It allows you to spread some lube, and relax the area, and just get used to having it touched that way.
Then if all is well, try putting the tip in with even more lube. LOTS of lube. Maybe your partner wants to rub himself to ensure that he stays really hard, because that makes it easier to control the penetration. Dan's suggestion to hold still at first after penetration is also excellent. Let everything relax. I find it helpful to be in the right mindset: feeling that it's okay to relax, take it easy, and that I can stop whenever I feel like it. There's no "goal" that has to be met--just enjoy whatever happens and gradually try to start moving more.
Three positions that might be helpful to try first are 1) spooning on your sides with knees drawn up slightly to relax the spine, 2) standing on your knees on the bed, knees spread just slightly apart, with hands on the wall for support, and 3) standing beside the bed, thighs braced against the bed, hands on the bed, legs spread just slightly but not too far. These positions either help those muscles relax or help the bottom person feel more in control of the process--i.e. you can push back more or less, or retreat as needed, so it happens at the right pace for you.
122
@121: Excellent advice all around--for both men and women.
@Dan: I'm sure you're going to get some shit for this article, but I'm glad you wrote it. I don't know where else "protected" youth would have access to this information--lack of access to adult stores, parent supervision of internet use at home, and the issue of trying to google "anal sex" at a public library. Coming from a female bottom, your advice was solid. I'm so thankful that future generations of asses will be protected from early preventable mishaps.
@Dan: I'm sure you're going to get some shit for this article, but I'm glad you wrote it. I don't know where else "protected" youth would have access to this information--lack of access to adult stores, parent supervision of internet use at home, and the issue of trying to google "anal sex" at a public library. Coming from a female bottom, your advice was solid. I'm so thankful that future generations of asses will be protected from early preventable mishaps.
126
Lube question-- How do you apply it for PIV intercourse? It's easy to smear it on the outside of the vagina or in the lower inch or so, but it's needed further up. Putting it on the penis itself usually results (for me) in its pooling in the same place. I've thought some sort of applicator should do it but don't know what to look for.
127
Dan, thanks for the first paragraph of your answer. There ARE plenty of gay men who don't enjoy anal (see this website with a terrible layout, weird "warrior" themes, and an aversion to effeminacy... but an interesting point of view: http://www.heroichomosex.org/), but unfortunately, neither porn nor general gay culture lends it legitimacy.
128
Dan, thanks for the second paragraph of your answer to TUSH. There are plenty of gay men who don't enjoy anal (see this website with a terrible layout, weird "warrior" themes, and an aversion to effeminacy... but an interesting point of view: http://www.heroichomosex.org/), but unfortunately, I find that neither porn nor general gay culture lends it legitimacy.
129
Oh also,
@117
I can admit I'm clueless - the only vagina I know much of anything about is my own (I've never played with anyone else's) and vague impressions I get from sex talks with other women. No one my age has ever referenced using lube except in the context of anal, so it's not unreasonable that I wouldn't know that young healthy people use it.
also - why would quickies need lube? if the person didn't need lube for one of those other reasons?
re: using a bottle even though I don't need it - you do know there is such thing as too much lubrication right?
@125
Um... in some cases! But for others of us, if you've got that aspect covered naturally... look there's only so much lube can do. I've turned guys down for being too big a bunch of times.
@117
I can admit I'm clueless - the only vagina I know much of anything about is my own (I've never played with anyone else's) and vague impressions I get from sex talks with other women. No one my age has ever referenced using lube except in the context of anal, so it's not unreasonable that I wouldn't know that young healthy people use it.
also - why would quickies need lube? if the person didn't need lube for one of those other reasons?
re: using a bottle even though I don't need it - you do know there is such thing as too much lubrication right?
@125
Um... in some cases! But for others of us, if you've got that aspect covered naturally... look there's only so much lube can do. I've turned guys down for being too big a bunch of times.
130
Weighing in as a woman who has *always* needed lube of some sort for PIV sex. I have never lubricated "properly" and yes, I have always felt this was a dysfunction and that something was wrong with me.
@126 - as for applying it, I dab some on the clitoris and then smear a nickel or quarter sized gob around the entrance to the vagina. Anything that goes in will carry the lube inside.
@126 - as for applying it, I dab some on the clitoris and then smear a nickel or quarter sized gob around the entrance to the vagina. Anything that goes in will carry the lube inside.
131
Dan, I'm surprised that you didn't mention that condoms tend to ease entry (at least with the uncircumsized which is my only experience)! In addition, it prevents any pre-santorum from getting on the top's cock which might relax the bottom if that is a fear.
132
My,
"Look there's only so much lube can do. I've turned guys down for being too big a bunch of times."
Bullshit alarm. 1st you claimed ignorance whether women under 80 used lube for piv. Now you're an expert on what lube can do for piv.
And spare us your litany of whom you would or would not fuck. You early trumpeted your monogamy, now you don't mention it. We know too much about your desires-- not older, not much taller, cut dick, small dick. Self-proclaimed expert on blow jobs. Why are you talking like a little whore? Are you incapable of defending monogamy?
"Look there's only so much lube can do. I've turned guys down for being too big a bunch of times."
Bullshit alarm. 1st you claimed ignorance whether women under 80 used lube for piv. Now you're an expert on what lube can do for piv.
And spare us your litany of whom you would or would not fuck. You early trumpeted your monogamy, now you don't mention it. We know too much about your desires-- not older, not much taller, cut dick, small dick. Self-proclaimed expert on blow jobs. Why are you talking like a little whore? Are you incapable of defending monogamy?
133
You don't need to use lube to understand it's function. Lubricant can only compensate for so much of a space mismatch.
You're not the brightest, are you?
You're not the brightest, are you?
137
Your obsession with me is getting really sad.
How about this - you go try to "fit" a baseball bat up your ass and tell us all how it went later. Don't worry, you can use lots of lube.
Run along now.
How about this - you go try to "fit" a baseball bat up your ass and tell us all how it went later. Don't worry, you can use lots of lube.
Run along now.
139
@124
You're the definitive source on when boys become men, now? Shit! Hey, every rite of passage from every culture on the planet - shut up and listen to this dude! I mean, golly, off the top of my head, Judaism is up for a rude awakening.
You're the definitive source on when boys become men, now? Shit! Hey, every rite of passage from every culture on the planet - shut up and listen to this dude! I mean, golly, off the top of my head, Judaism is up for a rude awakening.
141
@42 Good point!
@43 In school sex ed when they teach that boys ejaculate and it feels good and just leave the motivation for the woman unspoken of, and never even mention the word clitoris, then are educating kids about the joy and mystery and all that....and the lesson isn't a good one.
Also, call me a prude, but it made me uncomfortable that Dan wrote some porn about teenagers. Wouldn't it have been better to write that kind of detail from a different frame of reference. Like: when two people feel that they are ready they could x, y, z. Not: you two teenagers should do x,y,z. Can someone please explain to my why this is ok?
@43 In school sex ed when they teach that boys ejaculate and it feels good and just leave the motivation for the woman unspoken of, and never even mention the word clitoris, then are educating kids about the joy and mystery and all that....and the lesson isn't a good one.
Also, call me a prude, but it made me uncomfortable that Dan wrote some porn about teenagers. Wouldn't it have been better to write that kind of detail from a different frame of reference. Like: when two people feel that they are ready they could x, y, z. Not: you two teenagers should do x,y,z. Can someone please explain to my why this is ok?
142
@42, I meant to recommend summer's eve bath and shave gel. I have very sensitive skin in all areas and i use this for shaving too.
143
@136 hunter78- you may be that you percieve someone as being prejudiced and I think it is your right to point that out, but what you are doing, in my opinion, is harrasment.
144
@141
Eh, I could see how that might bother some people but I don't think it's unethical or whatever.
If it makes you uncomfortable the fact that highschool juniors are over the age of consent and the majority of them are sexually active probably won't make you feel any better, will it?
Eh, I could see how that might bother some people but I don't think it's unethical or whatever.
If it makes you uncomfortable the fact that highschool juniors are over the age of consent and the majority of them are sexually active probably won't make you feel any better, will it?
145
@141. They said they want to have anal sex but aren't sure how to go about it. They signed off as "Tell Us Something Helpful." Dan did. WTF difference does it make if he says "you should" or "one should." They know perfectly well he's talking to them!
I'm sorry if you experience detail about the mechanics of how to have sex as "porn." On the other hand, if you found it arousing, I suggest you try it!
I'm sorry if you experience detail about the mechanics of how to have sex as "porn." On the other hand, if you found it arousing, I suggest you try it!
146
@145
I dunno man, a lot of people chimed in that it was kind of porny - that's not a bad thing but you're tripping if you think that couldn't have been written in an unsexy way.
I dunno man, a lot of people chimed in that it was kind of porny - that's not a bad thing but you're tripping if you think that couldn't have been written in an unsexy way.
147
@144,145, there were several references to it as erotic. I found it erotic. I didn't mean "porn" in a derogatory sense, only that it is generally recognized as being erotic based on the above comments.
I don't think that they are "of age" with resect to the adults, including any "gold star pedofiles" that may be reading this article. I am not necesarily saying it is wrong, but it did make me uncomforatble and I would prefer an erotic/explicit/educational story about two adults. Therefore, I see a very significant difference between talking about two teens and talking about two hypothetical first timers. I don't know what the benefit about talking explicitely about two teens is.
@145 specifically. I am not really sure what information that I gave you that let you to make conclusions about what I have and have not tried and what I might or might not like....except, that I like erotic stories about adults more than I like erotic stories about children.
I don't think that they are "of age" with resect to the adults, including any "gold star pedofiles" that may be reading this article. I am not necesarily saying it is wrong, but it did make me uncomforatble and I would prefer an erotic/explicit/educational story about two adults. Therefore, I see a very significant difference between talking about two teens and talking about two hypothetical first timers. I don't know what the benefit about talking explicitely about two teens is.
@145 specifically. I am not really sure what information that I gave you that let you to make conclusions about what I have and have not tried and what I might or might not like....except, that I like erotic stories about adults more than I like erotic stories about children.
148
@147
Oh I agree with you about the tone and I get why it would bother you, but I'm just saying it doesn't bother me personally and I don't think it was wrong.
"I see a very significant difference between talking about two teens and talking about two hypothetical first timers"
You do? The vast majority of first timers are teens.
I guess my thought is that most people bothered by that answer would also be bothered by a lot of what Dan writes.
However... troubles me that you refer to teenagers as "children". I think this is a really dangerous attitude, personally. Infantalizing teenagers (who are post-pubescent, capable of having consensual sex, and frequently considered sexually attractive to people you consider 'adults') conflates child sexual abuse with something that is actually completely natural. By doing this you either normalize pedophilia, pathologize teenage sexuality, or some sort of combination of both.
Don't get me wrong, I don't want to have sex with teenagers, but I wouldn't call them 'children' just because they are no longer objects of attraction to me.
Oh I agree with you about the tone and I get why it would bother you, but I'm just saying it doesn't bother me personally and I don't think it was wrong.
"I see a very significant difference between talking about two teens and talking about two hypothetical first timers"
You do? The vast majority of first timers are teens.
I guess my thought is that most people bothered by that answer would also be bothered by a lot of what Dan writes.
However... troubles me that you refer to teenagers as "children". I think this is a really dangerous attitude, personally. Infantalizing teenagers (who are post-pubescent, capable of having consensual sex, and frequently considered sexually attractive to people you consider 'adults') conflates child sexual abuse with something that is actually completely natural. By doing this you either normalize pedophilia, pathologize teenage sexuality, or some sort of combination of both.
Don't get me wrong, I don't want to have sex with teenagers, but I wouldn't call them 'children' just because they are no longer objects of attraction to me.
149
I did not intend ot pathologize teenage, or childhood sexuality. They are capapable of having consensual sex with each other. When kids are 6, they can have consensual, innocent doctor patient role play. An adult having sex with an under age teenager(under age 16 in Washington) IS considered child sexual abuse, is it not?
150
Ms Eagle - I'll venture a guess that the benefit of Mr Savage's making his response as direct as it was is that the pair will feel respected and actually pay attention instead of just glazing over and feeling erased. They probably feel erased quite often enough.
One thing that struck me about Mr Savage on television is the sense of connection. It seems much stronger than in the column or the podcast. This answer had a television feel to it, if that makes any sense.
One thing that struck me about Mr Savage on television is the sense of connection. It seems much stronger than in the column or the podcast. This answer had a television feel to it, if that makes any sense.
151
I'm not familiar with the intracacies of American age-of-consent laws. But you're suggesting that age 16 is age of consent in that state then an adult having sex with the LW (who is at least 16, if not 17) would not be legally considered stat rape (the legal equivilent of CSA). Speaking to him about sex certainly wouldn't be illegal in any sense either - even if that discussion was salacious.
CSA is really more of a psychological concept, less so a legal one and I've never seen it strictly defined but my assumption would be that it would vaguely track with the corrosponding pedophilia definition?
Which is to say "no". I don't believe it would be considered child sexual abuse as there is not child involved.
I'm not saying there aren't many situations where such a relationship would be unethical, and I'm not saying that teenagers are exactly the same as adults either, but lumping teenagers and children in one group and adults in another is detrimental to everyone in my opinion.
CSA is really more of a psychological concept, less so a legal one and I've never seen it strictly defined but my assumption would be that it would vaguely track with the corrosponding pedophilia definition?
Which is to say "no". I don't believe it would be considered child sexual abuse as there is not child involved.
I'm not saying there aren't many situations where such a relationship would be unethical, and I'm not saying that teenagers are exactly the same as adults either, but lumping teenagers and children in one group and adults in another is detrimental to everyone in my opinion.
152
My,
It's just too bad your Rainman vision, which is presumably what prevents kinksters from being attracted to you, doesn't work equally well against the admirations of big-dicked guys.
It's just too bad your Rainman vision, which is presumably what prevents kinksters from being attracted to you, doesn't work equally well against the admirations of big-dicked guys.
153
1. Kinksters? My rainman vision apparently stops me from being attracted to them.
2. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and hoping to get a different result. Remember that cutesy saying? Well you've been at this for a while and it still isn't working for you, is it? I mean, presumably your goal is to upset me?
Come on man, even you aren't stupid enough to think that I actually care what some dirty old man on the internet thinks about me or my sexuality. Like for real, why would I?
I mean, I guess you think eventually you'll pick the right words or whatever and it'll land, but what you don't seem to want to understand is that there is literally nothing you as an individual can say that would upset me because you're utterly meaningless and frankly, your opinions are beneath me. You're a bitter old man who tries to bully women on the internet in the hopes of feeling big. It's pathetic.
But you know what? I take it back. Keep directing it at me - because otherwise you might shift your obnoxiousness towards someone more vulnerable to such behaviour and I'd hate to feel responsible for someone else being upset. So yeah, carry on, I guess?
2. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and hoping to get a different result. Remember that cutesy saying? Well you've been at this for a while and it still isn't working for you, is it? I mean, presumably your goal is to upset me?
Come on man, even you aren't stupid enough to think that I actually care what some dirty old man on the internet thinks about me or my sexuality. Like for real, why would I?
I mean, I guess you think eventually you'll pick the right words or whatever and it'll land, but what you don't seem to want to understand is that there is literally nothing you as an individual can say that would upset me because you're utterly meaningless and frankly, your opinions are beneath me. You're a bitter old man who tries to bully women on the internet in the hopes of feeling big. It's pathetic.
But you know what? I take it back. Keep directing it at me - because otherwise you might shift your obnoxiousness towards someone more vulnerable to such behaviour and I'd hate to feel responsible for someone else being upset. So yeah, carry on, I guess?
154
Loel,
I preserve my right to disagree with others. Sometimes it sounds nasty, but I am not the sole transgressor.
I preserve my right to disagree with others. Sometimes it sounds nasty, but I am not the sole transgressor.
156
Oh gosh, you went and read the wrong thing.
Here, I'll cut and paste the correct quote for you.
"frankly, your opinions are beneath me."
Here, I'll cut and paste the correct quote for you.
"frankly, your opinions are beneath me."
157
And since you're too dim to put it together, I believe what you meant to originally say is that their intuition kept them from being attracted to me. That's certainly a possiblity.
158
Mydriasis, Hunter78: Can you each go to your respective rooms and have a time out until you can be civil again? The discourse on this comment thread is suffering. Yes, you each have good reason to be irritated with each other. Be grownups and don't react. Many of us would appreciate it.
Thanks.
Thanks.
159
Hey cute,
Really?
I'm not sure what you want me to do differently? I did plenty of not-reacting and minimally-reacting for quite a long time.
I ignored him and he kept harassing me, people pointed out that he's harassing me and he pretends like it's an 'I'm entitled to my opinion' issue or acts like a victim, I responded to him civilly in the past and it did nothing to stop him (I can find the post, if you'd like me to prove it), I just now, finally told him that he isn't going to get what he wants and he ignored me and dug up some random old quote to prove some absurd point that doesn't even have any relevence.
Frankly, I'm kind of offended that you're acting like it's some sort of even situation?
Really?
I'm not sure what you want me to do differently? I did plenty of not-reacting and minimally-reacting for quite a long time.
I ignored him and he kept harassing me, people pointed out that he's harassing me and he pretends like it's an 'I'm entitled to my opinion' issue or acts like a victim, I responded to him civilly in the past and it did nothing to stop him (I can find the post, if you'd like me to prove it), I just now, finally told him that he isn't going to get what he wants and he ignored me and dug up some random old quote to prove some absurd point that doesn't even have any relevence.
Frankly, I'm kind of offended that you're acting like it's some sort of even situation?
161
@129: in the spirit of answering candid questions candidly...
re: quickies: sexual arousal in females, in particular the lubrication response, is not universally instantaneous. Foreplay is a lot of fun, but every once in a while you're both just in a hurry to get started.
re: just getting that bottle for the hell of it: what I said the first time. Get some and play, you might discover it's fun. You could say the same thing about an ostrich feather or a couple of clothespins. It's only a few bucks.
re: such thing as too much lube, surely you can find other uses than just the one orifice where you insist it's redundant? Admittedly, spit is better for places you intend to use your tongue (lube often tastes pretty nasty), but spit dries quicker and stickier.
re: quickies: sexual arousal in females, in particular the lubrication response, is not universally instantaneous. Foreplay is a lot of fun, but every once in a while you're both just in a hurry to get started.
re: just getting that bottle for the hell of it: what I said the first time. Get some and play, you might discover it's fun. You could say the same thing about an ostrich feather or a couple of clothespins. It's only a few bucks.
re: such thing as too much lube, surely you can find other uses than just the one orifice where you insist it's redundant? Admittedly, spit is better for places you intend to use your tongue (lube often tastes pretty nasty), but spit dries quicker and stickier.
162
@avast
thanks!
I guess to me I figured that lube would probably slow things down just as much as a little bit of foreplay? I guess what a 'little' bit of foreplay means is different. Plus also to me quickies are also typically sort of spontaneous things that happen maybe not in the bedroom (isn't that where lube is kept? I told you I'm clueless!). Do people carry lube on them, like condoms?
re: other orifices
Well that was my original point way back when. That to my mind lube means anal. I'm not saying I've never used lube at all, I just mean that when it comes to vaginal sex too much lubrication (which can happen naturally) doesn't lead to any extra benefit and actually just causes a mess, so that's not what lube is for in my experience.
thanks!
I guess to me I figured that lube would probably slow things down just as much as a little bit of foreplay? I guess what a 'little' bit of foreplay means is different. Plus also to me quickies are also typically sort of spontaneous things that happen maybe not in the bedroom (isn't that where lube is kept? I told you I'm clueless!). Do people carry lube on them, like condoms?
re: other orifices
Well that was my original point way back when. That to my mind lube means anal. I'm not saying I've never used lube at all, I just mean that when it comes to vaginal sex too much lubrication (which can happen naturally) doesn't lead to any extra benefit and actually just causes a mess, so that's not what lube is for in my experience.
163
FrancoD-
I'm a breeder and I must say, I loved Dan's response to TUSH! I found it highly erotic. Furthermore, I imagine that if I was TUSH and anal sex was totally new to me and I was about to experience it with my first boyfriend for the first time being given a play-by-play instructional that even details what I can expect to feel...phew! I think I'd be even more excited to do the deed then I had been.
Not to be arguementative, yer not turned on, you didn't love it, fine.
But Mr. Savage, as always, kudos! Very informative and hott !
I'm a breeder and I must say, I loved Dan's response to TUSH! I found it highly erotic. Furthermore, I imagine that if I was TUSH and anal sex was totally new to me and I was about to experience it with my first boyfriend for the first time being given a play-by-play instructional that even details what I can expect to feel...phew! I think I'd be even more excited to do the deed then I had been.
Not to be arguementative, yer not turned on, you didn't love it, fine.
But Mr. Savage, as always, kudos! Very informative and hott !
166
Thank you : ) This was information, that I have been wondering about... in a foreign country with very little access to privacy and the internet... for MONTHS. Thank you TUSH for the question.
168
mydriasis~
Wow...I just read the rest of this fuckery. I did not intend to pile on, I was merely shocked at your misunderstanding considering that your posts indicate more than minimal experience. FTR putting a ton of Sliquid (hybrid water/silicone) on a big one is fuuuuuuuuuuun. I mean zoom take it all the way out and slide it back in fun.
Hunter~calm down.
Wow...I just read the rest of this fuckery. I did not intend to pile on, I was merely shocked at your misunderstanding considering that your posts indicate more than minimal experience. FTR putting a ton of Sliquid (hybrid water/silicone) on a big one is fuuuuuuuuuuun. I mean zoom take it all the way out and slide it back in fun.
Hunter~calm down.
169
@167
No offense taken! No worries.
But as many other people pointed out, we're all different. I prefer average size - guys who are really big are going to hurt - nature set me up fine lube-wise and adding extra isn't going to change that I'm just not built for well-hung dudes. I'm a petite girl. But if you know what you like, more power to you.
No offense taken! No worries.
But as many other people pointed out, we're all different. I prefer average size - guys who are really big are going to hurt - nature set me up fine lube-wise and adding extra isn't going to change that I'm just not built for well-hung dudes. I'm a petite girl. But if you know what you like, more power to you.
170
In case you're wondering, those wipes containe benzocaine 0.5%, the active ingredient in Orajel. What works for an aching tooth works for an aching butt.
175
They have a product called 'Anal Ease'.....my sister swears she uses it when she plucks her bushy eyebrows! YEA RIGHT!!!
176
Downloadable guide for man2man buttsex. Everything you need to know in a cute British pamphlet. From enemas to felching. Thanks to the Terrance Higgins Trust.
http://bit.ly/faUo2F
http://bit.ly/faUo2F
178
@62 and @64, I'm 45, and have in the past couple of years noticed a big decline in natural lubrication. I spent considerable time looking for a brand of lube that was most natural-seeming (sliquid FTW) to ease my enbarassment over the issue. But thanks for your support! ;)
179
NO, YOUNG MAN! YOU AND YOUR PARTNER DO NOT NEED CONDOMS. NEVER! IT IS ABSOLUTELY VITAL FOR YOUNG MALE LOVERS TO EXPERIENCE THE TASTE OF SEMEN AND ANAL DEBRIS. SIR, TO USE CONDOMS WOULD CAUSE YOU AND YOUR PARTNER TO DEVELOP "HANG-UPS" ABOUT HOMOSEXUALITY. SIR, I HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND HOMOSEXUALITY IS A BIO-SEXUAL ORIENTATION. TO UTILIZE LATEX BARRIERS DURING SEX WOULD INDICATE FEAR OF SOMETHING WHICH IS NATURAL.
HIV/AIDS-AWARENESS "FANATICS" WILL TRY TO CONVINCE YOU TO USE CONDOMS. I-G-N-O-R-E THEM! I PROMISE - YOU AND YOUR PARTNER WILL ALWAYS BE HAPPY HOMOSEXUALS FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIVES IF YOU PRACTICE NATURAL SEX. ALWAYS REMEMBER, DEATH IS OUT OF YOUR CONTROL. DO NOT PLACE WORTHLESS HOPE IN LATEX.
CHRISTOPHER ALLEN HORTON
HIV/AIDS-AWARENESS "FANATICS" WILL TRY TO CONVINCE YOU TO USE CONDOMS. I-G-N-O-R-E THEM! I PROMISE - YOU AND YOUR PARTNER WILL ALWAYS BE HAPPY HOMOSEXUALS FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIVES IF YOU PRACTICE NATURAL SEX. ALWAYS REMEMBER, DEATH IS OUT OF YOUR CONTROL. DO NOT PLACE WORTHLESS HOPE IN LATEX.
CHRISTOPHER ALLEN HORTON
181
@mydriasis: I've been using lube for vaginal sex every single time per doctor's orders since my early 20s. Though I always like what you write, I admit I was a bit hurt this time, but it's not really your fault. The thing is, a lot of people think using lube for vaginal sex is shameful, implying that the woman is either not turned on, or "broken" (not able to get wet normally). It sucks having to convince every sex partner that I am not faking being turned on and having to prove ("feel this?") that I do get wet on my own. I have four reasons for using lube: 1) I'm a size queen with a small vagina, 2) I like to have sex fresh out of the shower but find that soap dries the hell out of my skin 3) frequent STIs 4) I used to be on a medication that made me supersensitive (orgasm from light touch) and now that I'm off of it, I don't feel much unless my partner is pressing/banging HARD... which can leave me in pain once the orgasm subsides. The more you know?
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