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Shady Ladies
May 16, 2012
Tools
I work in an office tower in downtown Seattle. From time to time, I go to a bathroom on a mostly deserted floor, go into a stall, and rub out a quick one. Usually, no one comes in.
Today, just as I was blowing a load into a handful of TP, someone came into the bathroom. This person walked up to the stall and stared through the door crack. This person stood there for a second before walking over to the urinal. He finished and left. I flushed and washed my hands and left. A security guard came around the corner while I was waiting for the elevator. He rode the elevator down with me but said nothing. At the lobby, I got in the elevator that takes me back to my floor. As the door closed, I heard someone say, "See that guy?"
I am paranoid that security is going to confront me. But have I done anything illegal? I may have exercised poor judgment and been squicky, but is it illegal to masturbate in a closed bathroom stall on private property?
Suddenly Pensive About Noontime Kicks
It isn't, SPANK, at least not in Seattle.
"There is an expectation of privacy in a bathroom stall," says Seattle Police Department spokesperson Sergeant Sean Whitcomb. "So obviously, what people do there is their personal business."
If things went down exactly as you described, SPANK, you're not in any legal danger, as you were doing your own private business in the privacy of a bathroom stall. The guy who peered into your stall, however, could be in trouble.
"Here's the irony: The person peeping into the stall is the person we'd be interested in talking to," says Whitcomb. "You don't need to be peeping into the stall to see if someone is using it, and looking into a stall long enough to make a determination as to what the person is doing in that stall, exactly, is an indication that you've been looking a little longer than you need to."
So, yeah, if anyone is going to jail here, SPANK, it's the peeper who reported you to the office tower's crack security team, not you.
HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! Forgive me for laughing, SPANK, but I'm having a hard time keeping a straight face. If someone called the actual cops about a toilet wanker—and not, say, the Seattle Police Department's polite and reasonable spokesperson—it's the wanker who'll wind up in handcuffs, not the caller. Beat cops don't generally give the benefit of the doubt to guys rubbing 'em out in public toilets. They'll assume you were cruising the toilet or, worse yet, that you're the kind of perv who gets off to the sounds and smells of other men taking craps, and they'll arrest you.
I'm stumped, Dan. In the novel Fifty Shades of Grey, which has been the subject of much discussion due to its controversial subject matter (a young woman gets involved in a BDSM relationship), the term "canning" is used numerous times. Despite my best efforts, I cannot find a definition for this practice. Who else can I turn to but you?
Confused And Naive, New Era Definition
It's not canning ("a method of preserving food in which the food contents are processed and sealed in an airtight container"), it's caning ("a form of corporal punishment consisting of a number of hits with a single cane usually made of rattan").
I don't know if the author of Fifty Shades of Grey dropped that extra "n" in there, CANNED, or if you did. But here's hoping that millions of women all over the world aren't fantasizing about having themselves canned by kinky billionaires. A person can survive—a person can even enjoy—a good thrashing. But being sealed in an airtight container? Not so much.
Full disclosure: I may be the only sex writer on earth who has yet to read Fifty Shades of Grey. While I plan to avoid reading Grey, just as I've avoided watching "2 Girls, 1 Cup" (and for similar reasons, i.e., I'm easily nauseated), I think it's wonderful that this book is inspiring a whole new generation of American women to get their kink on.
I'm a 43-year-old woman, married for 19 years, and I need your help! Like most middle-aged moms, I read Fifty Shades of Grey. I understand that it is fiction. But it has motivated me to spice things up in the bedroom. The problem is that my husband is a dud. He's not open to trying anything that isn't missionary or doggy. That's the extent of it. I feel as if I've tried everything. He's happy with the way things are. Period. What do I do?
Woman Has Interesting Perversions
Here's what you do: Get in a time machine and go warn your younger self not to make the same mistake that so many women make in their 20s. That is, dumping guys with relatively harmless, easily indulged kinks—the foot fetishists, the guys who wear panties, the guys who want their girlfriends to wear superhero costumes while they peg their ass—because kinky guys are "weird," "not normal," or "probably gay."
Backing way the hell up for a moment: I've been writing about sex and relationships, men and women, kinky sex and vanilla sex for 20 years. It is my informed opinion that men typically become aware of their kinks—they typically become hyperaware of them—when they're teenagers. Many women, on the other hand, don't seem to become aware of their kinks until they're in their 30s or 40s. Maybe it has something to do with the sexual peak, which men are believed to hit in their teens and women in their 30s (and which many people believe to be bullshit), or maybe it simply takes women longer to overcome the misogynist slut-shaming that they're subjected to as girls and to openly embrace their sexualities and sexual interests.
Whatever the cause, I've seen it happen again and again: A woman tosses aside a series of decent but somewhat kinky guys until she finds a guy whose sexual interests are "normal," e.g., missionary, doggy, and no-hands-on-the-back-of-the-head oral. And that's the guy she marries. Then, 10 or 20 years later, she develops some "weird," "not normal," "probably gay" sexual interests of her own. Now she wants to spice things up, but—fuckadoodledoo—20 years ago, she dumped a nice kinkster and married a total sexual dud instead.
So here's what you do: Get in a time machine and go tell your twentysomething self not to dump someone because he's kinky, WHIP, because one day you're going to come into your own kinks. And when that day comes, you'll want to be able to say something like this to your husband: "So, hey, you know how I've been jerking you off with my feet/letting you wear my panties/dressing up like Aquagirl and fucking your ass for the last 19 years? It's been a lot of fun, honey, and you know I love you and you know I love your kinks. But it's payback time. I just finished reading this book, and it really turned me on and now I wanna get canned and you're going to can me."
If you don't have access to a time machine, WHIP, tell your husband that while he may be happy with the way things are, you're not. Which means things have to change.
CONFIDENTIAL TO THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA: Thanks, man.
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No, I do not intend to read it.
So while the guy spying through the door should have just turned around and gone to another floor, assuming he wasn't suffering diarrhea which doesn't seem to be the case, SPANK fails on sufficient discretion. Because sometimes someone whose lunch is about to come up is going to need the restroom, and they can't make it somewhere else and shouldn't have to listen to you having sex eighteen inches away.
I've rubbed one out HUNDREDS of times in my Wall Street Firm. Those masc married suits are HOT!! And anyone who's good at it knows to listen for the door opening and then cover quickly, just in case any pervs try to stare in. Your guy just needs to be a smarter 'bater. Lastly, I wonder if seeking out an out-of-the-way restroom was his downfall. That's where the creepy Larry Craigs of the world go for under-the-stall action. Ick. Better to use your usual mens room, take your time, keep business papers on the floor so it looks like you are working while taking a power dump (admirable) and - if someone comes in, stop and cover. The edging alone will make it great. How do self respecting 'baters not know all of this????
I've rubbed one out HUNDREDS of times in my Wall Street Firm. Those masc married suits are HOT!! And anyone who's good at it knows to listen for the door opening and then cover quickly, just in case any pervs try to stare in. Your guy just needs to be a smarter 'bater. Lastly, I wonder if seeking out an out-of-the-way restroom was his downfall. That's where the creepy Larry Craigs of the world go for under-the-stall action. Ick. Better to use your usual mens room, take your time, keep business papers on the floor so it looks like you are working while taking a power dump (admirable) and - if someone comes in, stop and cover. The edging alone will make it great. How do self respecting 'baters not know all of this????
I was an early developer so I had to deal with it a lot of attention way before I was ready to handle it. I don't think that a man can ever truly understand the fear factor that many women feel about exploring their kinks- we get objectified enough as it is. I simply didn't feel safe enough to even think about my own sexuality till I was in my 30's. For a long time I only understood my libido in terms of men and not in terms of my own desires.
Personally, I've had too many bad experiences with men to list. But here's a small sampling: my best friend and I almost got molested when were 14 at bible camp by some pastor's sons with wine coolers. At the tender age of 14 I had to be tough enough to get us both home safely, b/c my best friend was too drunk to respond. I had to calmly tell her to put her clothes back on and yell at those assholes for them to take us home. We were only lucky we didn't get raped and my best friend was damned lucky I was sober enough to get us out of there.
When I was 15 I got sexually harassed at school and failed a math class because of it. When I was 16, a 23 year old started a sexual relationship with me. When I was 18 I worked at a very large gym and regularly was sexually harassed by both members and staff- my uniform at the gym was baggy sweats and I still got comments about my tits and ass all the time. A coworker thought I was flirting with him when I was actually politely humoring him and he stuck his tongue down my throat without warning- I refer to that incident as the "tongue raping". I regularly got harassed on the street when I lived in a big city, regardless of what I was wearing. I've been groped in a bar too many times too count- and not just an ass grab, but I've had my breasts grabbed by strangers in bars and once in broad daylight at a store. Many of my female friends have similar or worse stories. Just because I haven't technically been raped doesn't mean that I haven't been traumatized.
Even though I did have some mild interest in power play in my 20's, none of the kinky guys I dated ever brought it up with me in a safe way, and I was nowhere near ready to ask for what i wanted. One guy mock-choked me without telling me first that he was interested in bdsm. I only figured it out later b/c of the books he suggested I read (all books about bdsm)...obviously I never went out with him again, because he scared me. Another date took me to a bdsm club as a surprise. As someone who's had a lot of bad experiences, a "surprise" like that only pushed me right back into my shell. Then, when I was ready to try again at age 29, I got a "surprise" varsity level ass-beating without warning instead of an erotic spanking. A lot of "dom" guys are just assholes who have no interest in their sub's erotic desires.
At 35 I've done some exploring online, b/c it feels safer to me. But after seeing what men are capable of doing, I'm genuinely scared to open up again. I'm tired of being treated like shit. I think that's why I want to be degraded in a safe space, b/c then I can at least control the scene. But it has to actually be a power exchange where I have some input into what happens in order for it to be cathartic. I'm not going to be able to feel safe until I find a kinky guy who is willing to listen to what I want and not just demand that I do what he wants. Many men hear "submissive" and assume it means that I'm up for anything, which simply isn't true. I haven't met anyone who actually cares about my limits though, so it's really difficult to feel safe enough to give up control.
But yes please to the work wank. Sometimes you just need to get off. I can't believe that more people don't rub one out in the lav at the office.
(50 Shades was originally Twilight fanfiction.)
You, too, can come in quarts.
14
Better to use your usual mens room, take your time, keep business papers on the floor so it looks like you are working while taking a power dumpI'm not sure which grosses me out more: the term "power dump" or the implication that you scoop those papers up from the floor of the stall afterward and take them back to your desk.
While I accept the framework because clearly Mr Savage has the experience to back it up, the conclusions seem to leak all over the place. Can't young women just know they're vanilla? (It's a little reminiscent of young bisexuals. Some change and that's fine, if not always convenient, but the ones who don't really can't be expected to order their lives on the expectation that they will at some point.) And it seems as if vanilla men aren't entitled to any dealbreakers, however much their women might swear down hill and up Dale that they won't in 15-20 years start inflicting dealbreaking demands left and right.
If I had any stake in the matter at all, it might depress me that the overall effect is to wonder whether 8, 10, 12 or 14 years is the ideal time for heterosexual couples to divorce in order for the benefit enjoyment in the relationship to be approximately level. But, as it is, I might sleep better, which, given that I usually lose sleep on Tuesday nights, will be most welcome. I thank Mr Savage in advance.
Believe me when I say that happiness in a marriage is something not many people are able to totally achieve. In fact, right now, I am really to slit my husbands throat for gulping down a big glass of water, coming up for breath, and then downing another glass of water. It's like there's no self control! Don't even get me started on the sex life... Take Dan's advice.
Hubby is entirely within his rights to say "Use that thing on me and you will regret it." By way of example, I was someone who got beat up a few times on the way to school. Having eventually attained sufficient age, strength, and size, I now get to say that nobody gets to hit me, ever again, regardless of reason, period, end of story. For the same reason -- emotional safety boundaries -- he wouldn't be out of line to refuse to use it on her, saying, "That may sound exciting to you, but the idea of dealing out pain makes me feel fucking awful."
Second example: Trust. Many, many years ago, my girlfriend at the time put me in fur handcuffs. She then proceeded to leave the room, greet some friends (?!?), and there was a distinct hint that I might be subjected to an embarrassing reveal. This was an unpleasant surprise to me (that was not discussed as a possibility, nor was the concept of a safeword; stupid, naive 21 yr old). I wriggled out of the cuffs (they were fur, after all), and while she was lucky that I didn't leave them cut up in strips on an empty bed, she summarily lost that privilege with me. If there's a point to that story, it is: does he have some reason to mistrust the situation? (Or mistrust you specifically? Speaking of which, "...my husband is a dud." Srsly? Congrats on making sure that you don't dare show him this letter. )
On the other hand, if he isn't willing to even try out some unusual positions for intercourse? Not even oral? C'mon, ya lazy bastard. At least make an effort at attaining some skill at stimulating your wife's ladybits. Some of the more acrobatic positions can be entertaining, even if you aren't actually wearing an acrobat suit in order to carry them out.
At least that's why I've never tried.
Wow! I can relate somewhat to WHIP--although I have yet to read Fifty Shades of Grey, or get canned. I'm definitely NOT into Shitt Romney.
20 years ago I married a boorish, sexual dud too, being sexually inexperienced. Eleven years later, I'm divorced but at least I know better now.
Good luck WHIP! It is indeed payback time! Happy canning You should be able to enjoy what turns you on!!
A kinky guy can still be selfish and inflexible - in fact we've seen the partners of these guys write in about this a fair bit ("Dear Dan, I enjoy indulging my husband's diaper fetish but it's become all he ever wants to do and my needs never get met!" kind of thing). Not saying that all kinky guys (or girls) are selfish, just that being a bit of a freak in one particular way doesn't guarantee that a person is open to anything.
And anyway, who wants to have to use emotional blackmail to shove a guy into doing what you want (as per Dan's example) when a GGG guy would gladly try the thing solely because you're interested in it?
Plus, y'know, we have no proof that this chick ever dumped any "nice kinky guys" just for being kinky.
I'm kinky myself - and obviously in favour of not being dumped over it - but Dan's rant comes off to me like he's venting about some old psychological scar of his own and completely missing the point.
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I wonder if that's something that's not actually that common and is kind of overblown.
P.S. I heard that book was AWFUL.
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