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Radford U!
October 3, 2012
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Joe Newton
Last week, I appeared at a "Savage Love Live" event at Radford University in Radford, Virginia. Questions are submitted on index cards at SLL events, which allows questioners to remain anonymous and forces them to be succinct. The crowd at Radford was large and inquisitive. The students submitted more questions than I could possibly hope to answer in two hours—and Radford students also managed to stump me. Twice. I promised the crowd that I would get answers for the two stumpers and answer as many of their other questions as I could in this week's column. And here we go...
When I sneeze, I ejaculate. Is this normal?
Yes, totally. Nothing to worry about. This happens to all guys. That's why they make men's underwear out of cotton, dude.
Why do all the beautiful girls only go for guys who are assholes?
Why do all the guys only go for the beautiful girls who only go for assholes? P.S. You might want to skip the next question.
I really like this guy and I know he likes me, but he is so unapproachable! He always seems to be pissed off about something. How can I get his attention without practically throwing myself at him?
Someone who knows you're interested in him and who's genuinely interested in you but who affects an unapproachable, pissed-off demeanor is a game-playing douchebag, and game-playing douchebags are lousy boyfriend material. Surely there are some attractive guys on your campus—guys you like, guys who like you—who aren't grumpy, game-playing assholes. You know, nice guys. Maybe you could date one of them?
Is it normal for girls to orgasm from dry humping alone?
Many girls learn to masturbate by grinding their crotches/clits against something—a pillow, typically—and dry humping is a pretty effective way to re-create that particular sensation, i.e., it provides her with the intense, direct clitoral stimulation she needs to get off.
Can you get AIDS or an STI from a dead body? Just wondering.
This is one of the two questions that stumped me. I promised to get an answer, and here it is: "As long as this isn't a thinly veiled necrophilia question, the answer is no," says Caitlin Doughty, a mortician, founder of the Order of the Good Death, and the star of the popular, hilarious, and informative "Ask a Mortician" YouTube video series. "When the AIDS epidemic first hit in the '80s, there were terrible stories about funeral homes that would charge more for bodies with HIV/AIDS or flat out tell the family the body was a threat and needed to be cremated immediately. Thankfully, that's now considered wildly unethical and incorrect. Unless you're an embalmer or coroner and dealing closely with all manner of fresh corpse fluids, there should be almost zero risk to you."
Is it okay to want to be single for 15 more years?
More and more people are delaying marriage or remaining single—you might want to read Hanna Rosin's The End of Men and Eric Klinenberg's Going Solo: The Extraordinary Rise and Surprising Appeal of Living Alone—so yeah, it's okay. It's generally okay to make your own choices and live your own life.
Should I not have sex with my best friend's babydaddy even though he was my boyfriend before he was hers and we were about to get back together before I found out my best friend was pregnant?
Yes, you should not.
Why can some girls only orgasm on top?
Because the angle of penetration provides them with the direct, intense clitoral stimulation they need to get off.
Do you have any advice for non-openly-gay people at a school where gays are almost nonexistent?
Recognize that you're part of the problem. The non-openly-gay people at your school—you and the other closeted gays—create a negative nonexistence feedback loop. You don't come out because no one's out, and no one comes out because you're not out. My advice: If you're in a position to come out, come out. If you're not in a position to come out, make plans to get to a place where you can come out. And in the meantime, refrain from whining about a problem that your choices and/or limitations contribute to creating.
Can you come out your butt?
Um, sure, but only if someone else came in it first—and no one should be coming in your butt without a condom on his dick.
How do you tell someone that they are bad at sex?
You don't. You tell someone that there are particular ways you like to be touched/kissed/fucked/bound/whatever and you encourage someone to touch/kiss/fuck/whip/bind you in those particular ways. Hopefully this will lead to someone getting better at sex over a few months. If someone doesn't get better at sex in that time frame, well, then someone either is incapable of getting better at sex or doesn't care that you're unhappy with the sex, and it's time to dump someone.
Can you get a yeast infection from licking a yeast infection?
Another stumper, another guest expert: "Wet folds are a great place for yeast to grow," says Dr. Anna Kaminski, associate medical director for Planned Parenthood of the Great Northwest, "especially if other things are a little out of balance. For example, a woman might be more prone to yeast infections due to other things in the vagina—spermicide, blood, antibiotic-induced changes in vaginal pH balance, or hormonal changes. But mouths are really good at keeping yeast in check. So it would be unusual for a person to get a yeast infection orally—unless you suffer from something that predisposes you to oral yeast infections, e.g., you are on antibiotics, you are immunocompromised, you have bad oral hygiene."
If a guy asks a girl if she wants to have anal sex, is he curious about gay sex?
No.
Why do straight guys like doggie-style so much?
Because they're gay.
What does it mean when you're a girl and the guy you're hooking up with keeps introducing you to his best girl friends?
It means you're hooking up with a gay.
Why do guys think threesomes are so amazing?
Because they are—especially the gay ones.
I'm a guy who does not find guys physically attractive. Even so, I like to give and receive blowjobs with men. Does this mean anything about my sexual orientation?
Yes.
I've always considered myself a lesbian, but a few weeks ago, I got really drunk and slept with one of my male best friends. Am I not a lesbian?
Female sexuality is a lot more fluid, as they say, and many lesbian-identified women have slept with men. Your sexuality identity—the label you choose to apply to yourself—should communicate the essential truth about your sexual interests and partner preferences. So you're free to identify as a lesbian even if you slip and fall on the occasional dick.
Who is your dream guy?
Janice from the Muppets with a dick.
Okay, Radford, that was fun, but we're out of room. Thanks for the invite and the great event!
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.
@fakedansavage on Twitter
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2
Who the fuck licks a yeast infection? I can see fucking a corpse, but you gotta draw the line somewhere. Ew.
4
"Why do guys think threesomes are so amazing?"
I always thought it was because they got so turned on watching girl-on-girl action, but then a guy friend shared a different perspective. So say you're a guy and having someone nibble your ears really gets your motor running. Now say your girlfriend and other ladyfriend blindfold you and each starts nibbling an ear (but without telling you which girl is on which side) -- this threesome is already off to a good start.
I always thought it was because they got so turned on watching girl-on-girl action, but then a guy friend shared a different perspective. So say you're a guy and having someone nibble your ears really gets your motor running. Now say your girlfriend and other ladyfriend blindfold you and each starts nibbling an ear (but without telling you which girl is on which side) -- this threesome is already off to a good start.
5
I grew up near there!!! And to the lack of out gays--dude, Blacksburg is like, 20 minutes away. Get thee to Virginia Tech!
8
dear dan,im not very computer savvy put i was looking for advice on how to find fun adventurous people in the vermont are and not all the junk sites any tips..
beatrice
beatrice
9
Janice from the Muppets with a dick!!! HA HAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAaaaaahahahaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
10
[Surely there are some attractive guys on your campus—guys you like, guys who like you—who aren't grumpy, game-playing assholes.]
Who says there are any attractive and nice guys who like him? (Or her, but I've read tons of heteronormative threads lately in many different places where people ought to know better and I'm fed up.) As you have pointed out before, not everyone finds someone. Of course, I can see why one wouldn't actually say so in public.
And it was very clever to recommend Ms Rosin's book, which will extend the period of desired singlehood far beyond fifteen years. I'm surprised the ZPG people haven't hired her to recruit for them.
Who says there are any attractive and nice guys who like him? (Or her, but I've read tons of heteronormative threads lately in many different places where people ought to know better and I'm fed up.) As you have pointed out before, not everyone finds someone. Of course, I can see why one wouldn't actually say so in public.
And it was very clever to recommend Ms Rosin's book, which will extend the period of desired singlehood far beyond fifteen years. I'm surprised the ZPG people haven't hired her to recruit for them.
13
Huh. The questions that stumped him were competently answered by health professionals. Dan's answers seemed really glib and unhelpful. Or is that just me?
14
In praise of doggy style:
Wasn't sure if Dan's answer was real or just sarcastic, but in my experience this is a position that if done right can be great for a man/woman couple for lots of good reasons.
Hands are relatively free here and the man can easily stimulate her clitoris and/or nipple/s while she reaches back and cups his balls in her hand.
And all the while both can control the pace. I agree that the male, being the top, may have a bigger say but this particular position is also likely to increase G-spot stimulation so it may not be that bad a deal, especially if they can communicate during the deed.
All and all an added stimulation, intimacy and trust for all involved. And it's also a good angle for breeding in case you're aiming for success.
Wasn't sure if Dan's answer was real or just sarcastic, but in my experience this is a position that if done right can be great for a man/woman couple for lots of good reasons.
Hands are relatively free here and the man can easily stimulate her clitoris and/or nipple/s while she reaches back and cups his balls in her hand.
And all the while both can control the pace. I agree that the male, being the top, may have a bigger say but this particular position is also likely to increase G-spot stimulation so it may not be that bad a deal, especially if they can communicate during the deed.
All and all an added stimulation, intimacy and trust for all involved. And it's also a good angle for breeding in case you're aiming for success.
16
Why do guys like doggy style? It might be because that's the position that gets most women off the most intensely. Pretty much every woman I've had sex with, unless they had major hang-ups, found doggy position or some variation thereof to be best for them. Also, there's something very primal about grabbing a woman by the waist and fucking her as hard as you can. If you're both skinny enough, you can also reach around her to stimulate her clit at the same time. Get her to orgasm that way and then grab her waist and you'll send her through the roof.
17
Also, on the why-do-girls-love-douchebags question: if she's flinging herself at a douchebag, don't you think there might be something a bit wrong with her head? Girls like that generally have some needy quirk that makes them damn near impossible to live with due to their daddy issues. Find yourself a shy quiet geek girl and be happy.
18
@10: I'm surprised the ZPG people haven't hired her to recruit for them.
Hanna Rosin isn't against having children, she's simply against having male children, and she's against having men involved in raising children.
You see, men are genetically unfit to thrive in this modern world. In the not too distant future, men will have only two purposes - manufacturing sperm and fixing women's computers.
Hanna Rosin isn't against having children, she's simply against having male children, and she's against having men involved in raising children.
You see, men are genetically unfit to thrive in this modern world. In the not too distant future, men will have only two purposes - manufacturing sperm and fixing women's computers.
19
@17: if she's flinging herself at a douchebag, don't you think there might be something a bit wrong with her head?
Yes, it's called "youth".
Yes, it's called "youth".
21
Do a lot of men really ejaculate when they sneeze? I've heard of this as a side effect of certain drugs, but I didn't know it was as common as Dan suggests. Also, are we talking about squeezing out a drop of pre-cum, or an actual full-on ejaculation accompanied by orgasm?
22
Men like doggy style because (as I mentioned earlier) it was invented by angels to make the world happy. I stand by that answer.
@17
Gotta love the mental health stigma! Good work.
Oh and by the way - you think "shy geek girls" don't have "daddy issues"? Are you fucking joking?
@17
Gotta love the mental health stigma! Good work.
Oh and by the way - you think "shy geek girls" don't have "daddy issues"? Are you fucking joking?
23
I'm a girl - my favorite position is doggy. For me it's the easiest way to get a good "rhythm" going, go really hard, and get spanked.
24
@22- I base my comments on personal experience and observations. Most of the quiet geek girls I've known have not been needy nutters. I can't say the same for the girls (and mature women, for that matter) who go after the "bad boys".
I stand by my comments. I've been with freaky nerd girls, but not many. And I've known well balanced pretty girls- but again, not many. Show them a guy in jeans and an Oxford shirt and a tattooed guy with a ponytail in biker gear, and see which one they gravitate to.
I stand by my comments. I've been with freaky nerd girls, but not many. And I've known well balanced pretty girls- but again, not many. Show them a guy in jeans and an Oxford shirt and a tattooed guy with a ponytail in biker gear, and see which one they gravitate to.
26
Ah, the age old "why do hot girls prefer jerks." I think the best answer to this is, watch some nature videos. For a lot of them, including beetles, kangaroos, and prarie hens, the male animals will beat each other up and then the meanest asshole gets the females. However--For some animals, such as the puffer fish and the bower bird, the male animals will build cool stuff, and the females decide which one they like best. Think of it this way: You are in the second category.
There are girls who will be impressed by the positive stuff you do. Do you really want to date a girl who is impressed when a guy acts like a jerk?
There are girls who will be impressed by the positive stuff you do. Do you really want to date a girl who is impressed when a guy acts like a jerk?
27
Thanks, @26 CharlesF. That's a good answer to a frequent and annoying question.
The better question would be, why does the asker mostly notice women who prefer assholes? Women who prefer assholes, like men who prefer assholes, likely have low self esteem and other emotional vulnerabilities. Why are these the women the asker considers attractive?
The better question would be, why does the asker mostly notice women who prefer assholes? Women who prefer assholes, like men who prefer assholes, likely have low self esteem and other emotional vulnerabilities. Why are these the women the asker considers attractive?
28
The bigger issue is why many women who claim to be strong feminist still seem to prefer sexist assholes. I remember all the times several of the women I new in college all refered to what a "pig" this one guy was. "Well, then, STOP FUCKING HIM!"
29
Why do women prefer douchebags? Most of them don't. But we're men, we don't learn our lesson until it has been beaten into our heads.
For some reason we spend our early 20s chasing after women who don't really want us. Then at some point, we either realize that we wasted 2 or 3 of the best years of our lives chasing the wrong women, or else one woman treats us so badly that we go "Wait a minute, I'm allowed to choose the women I date/fuck instead of just being thankful this one woman lets me fuck her."
Once we have that epiphany, we realize that a woman who likes douchebags is not worth it. Unfortunately, men are stubborn and we have to learn things the hard way.
For some reason we spend our early 20s chasing after women who don't really want us. Then at some point, we either realize that we wasted 2 or 3 of the best years of our lives chasing the wrong women, or else one woman treats us so badly that we go "Wait a minute, I'm allowed to choose the women I date/fuck instead of just being thankful this one woman lets me fuck her."
Once we have that epiphany, we realize that a woman who likes douchebags is not worth it. Unfortunately, men are stubborn and we have to learn things the hard way.
30
@17 Not to play the "blame the media" card, but women are sort-of conditioned to chase after assholes. Movies and TV shows almost preach to us that we can "change" these assholes with our affection and then they will be, like, totally the best boyfriends ever.
31
@26, 27 great points.
In further favor of doggie style, which RULES: It allows the woman's entire pelvic floor to get evenly banged in the most delicious way. Not just the tip of the clitoris but the nerve bundles that run alongside the vulva are getting it all at once. One's legs aren't in the way, it's physically comfortable for both partners, etc.
In further favor of doggie style, which RULES: It allows the woman's entire pelvic floor to get evenly banged in the most delicious way. Not just the tip of the clitoris but the nerve bundles that run alongside the vulva are getting it all at once. One's legs aren't in the way, it's physically comfortable for both partners, etc.
33
As usual, Dan divides his answers into two categories: sensible & helpful, and making stupid glib jokes, which makes it pretty difficult to take him seriously.
34
Drusilla@31: it's physically comfortable for both partners, etc.
Eh, that depends on stuff like your relative heights, how fast the woman's arms tire out, etc. But there are many variations on rear-entry, as was pointed out in a previous thread. I think it very often takes a little tinkering around before any given couple figures out which one accommodates them both best. Every woman's distribution of nerves and erectile tissue is a bit different; not everyone has a particularly sensitive G-spot, for instance. Mine seems to be about like an earlobe or the back of the neck or something. Yes, it's quite nice to have it stimulated, but it's not going to get me off.
Also, people's genitals are angled differently. What might work quite well for one couple might be at a completely unnatural angle for another.
Eh, that depends on stuff like your relative heights, how fast the woman's arms tire out, etc. But there are many variations on rear-entry, as was pointed out in a previous thread. I think it very often takes a little tinkering around before any given couple figures out which one accommodates them both best. Every woman's distribution of nerves and erectile tissue is a bit different; not everyone has a particularly sensitive G-spot, for instance. Mine seems to be about like an earlobe or the back of the neck or something. Yes, it's quite nice to have it stimulated, but it's not going to get me off.
Also, people's genitals are angled differently. What might work quite well for one couple might be at a completely unnatural angle for another.
35
#16, you have clearly never engaged in doggy style intercourse with a woman who has a "tipped" (anterior-leaning) uterus. I definitely have a tipped uterus--every time I get a pelvic exam, the doctor inserts the speculum, stops, frowns, starts pushing the speculum at weird and painful angles, and says "Sorry, it's difficult to visualize your cervix."
For someone with a markedly tipped uterus, the sensation of doggy style is best described as having one's internal organs slammed at high speed into a cement wall. Every time I have tried doggy style, I've yelped in pain and rapidly changed positions. This has nothing to do with "hang-ups," unless one's partner is an ignorant jerk who thinks finding sharp pain aversive is a "hang-up."
For someone with a markedly tipped uterus, the sensation of doggy style is best described as having one's internal organs slammed at high speed into a cement wall. Every time I have tried doggy style, I've yelped in pain and rapidly changed positions. This has nothing to do with "hang-ups," unless one's partner is an ignorant jerk who thinks finding sharp pain aversive is a "hang-up."
36
#16, you have clearly never engaged in doggy style intercourse with a woman who has a "tipped" (anterior-leaning) uterus. I definitely have a tipped uterus--every time I get a pelvic exam, the doctor inserts the speculum, stops, frowns, starts pushing the speculum at weird and painful angles, and says "Sorry, it's difficult to visualize your cervix."
For someone with a markedly tipped uterus, the sensation of doggy style is best described as having one's internal organs slammed at high speed into a cement wall. Every time I have tried doggy style, I've yelped in pain and rapidly changed positions. This has nothing to do with "hang-ups," unless one's partner is an ignorant jerk who thinks finding sharp pain aversive is a "hang-up."
For someone with a markedly tipped uterus, the sensation of doggy style is best described as having one's internal organs slammed at high speed into a cement wall. Every time I have tried doggy style, I've yelped in pain and rapidly changed positions. This has nothing to do with "hang-ups," unless one's partner is an ignorant jerk who thinks finding sharp pain aversive is a "hang-up."
37
#16, you have clearly never engaged in doggy style intercourse with a woman who has a "tipped" (anterior-leaning) uterus. I definitely have a tipped uterus--every time I get a pelvic exam, the doctor inserts the speculum, stops, frowns, starts pushing the speculum at weird and painful angles, and says "Sorry, it's difficult to visualize your cervix."
For someone with a markedly tipped uterus, the sensation of doggy style is best described as having one's internal organs slammed at high speed into a cement wall. Every time I have tried doggy style, I've yelped in pain and rapidly changed positions. This has nothing to do with "hang-ups," unless one's partner is an ignorant jerk who thinks finding sharp pain aversive is a "hang-up."
For someone with a markedly tipped uterus, the sensation of doggy style is best described as having one's internal organs slammed at high speed into a cement wall. Every time I have tried doggy style, I've yelped in pain and rapidly changed positions. This has nothing to do with "hang-ups," unless one's partner is an ignorant jerk who thinks finding sharp pain aversive is a "hang-up."
38
#16, you have clearly never engaged in doggy style intercourse with a woman who has a "tipped" (anterior-leaning) uterus. I definitely have a tipped uterus--every time I get a pelvic exam, the doctor inserts the speculum, stops, frowns, starts pushing the speculum at weird and painful angles, and says "Sorry, it's difficult to visualize your cervix."
For someone with a markedly tipped uterus, the sensation of doggy style is best described as having one's internal organs slammed at high speed into a cement wall. Every time I have tried doggy style, I've yelped in pain and rapidly changed positions. This has nothing to do with "hang-ups," unless one's partner is an ignorant jerk who thinks finding sharp pain aversive is a "hang-up."
For someone with a markedly tipped uterus, the sensation of doggy style is best described as having one's internal organs slammed at high speed into a cement wall. Every time I have tried doggy style, I've yelped in pain and rapidly changed positions. This has nothing to do with "hang-ups," unless one's partner is an ignorant jerk who thinks finding sharp pain aversive is a "hang-up."
40
#16, you have clearly never engaged in doggy style intercourse with a woman who has a "tipped" (anterior-leaning) uterus. I definitely have a tipped uterus--every time I get a pelvic exam, the doctor inserts the speculum, stops, frowns, starts pushing the speculum at weird and painful angles, and says "Sorry, it's difficult to visualize your cervix."
For someone with a markedly tipped uterus, the sensation of doggy style is best described as having one's internal organs slammed at high speed into a cement wall. Every time I have tried doggy style, I've yelped in pain and rapidly changed positions. This has nothing to do with "hang-ups," unless one's partner is an ignorant jerk who thinks finding sharp pain aversive is a "hang-up."
For someone with a markedly tipped uterus, the sensation of doggy style is best described as having one's internal organs slammed at high speed into a cement wall. Every time I have tried doggy style, I've yelped in pain and rapidly changed positions. This has nothing to do with "hang-ups," unless one's partner is an ignorant jerk who thinks finding sharp pain aversive is a "hang-up."
42
#16, you have clearly never engaged in doggy style intercourse with a woman who has a "tipped" (anterior-leaning) uterus. I definitely have a tipped uterus--every time I get a pelvic exam, the doctor inserts the speculum, stops, frowns, starts pushing the speculum at weird and painful angles, and says "Sorry, it's difficult to visualize your cervix."
For someone with a markedly tipped uterus, the sensation of doggy style is best described as having one's internal organs slammed at high speed into a cement wall. Every time I have tried doggy style, I've yelped in pain and rapidly changed positions. This has nothing to do with "hang-ups," unless one's partner is an ignorant jerk who thinks finding sharp pain aversive is a "hang-up."
For someone with a markedly tipped uterus, the sensation of doggy style is best described as having one's internal organs slammed at high speed into a cement wall. Every time I have tried doggy style, I've yelped in pain and rapidly changed positions. This has nothing to do with "hang-ups," unless one's partner is an ignorant jerk who thinks finding sharp pain aversive is a "hang-up."
43
A lot of douchebags are successful in various ways. Lots of douchebags get elected. Lots of douchebags make a lot of money. Clearly douchebags (or at least a certain subset of them) are often successful at impressing people, not just men or just women. It's partly that they're more noticeable than people who behave better.
If it's any comfort, though, there are plenty of douchebag losers, too.
If it's any comfort, though, there are plenty of douchebag losers, too.
45
Loved your answer to the doggie style comment. Got funny looks from the other people in my office. :-)
46
:)
Thanks for always making my day, Dan Savage. I have learned so many good ideas for how to be a decent human from your writings. From time to occasional time in my own relationships I totally have had a "what would Dan Savage say about this?" moment...and tried to be cool/change old, unhelpful habits accordingly.
Thanks.
Thanks for always making my day, Dan Savage. I have learned so many good ideas for how to be a decent human from your writings. From time to occasional time in my own relationships I totally have had a "what would Dan Savage say about this?" moment...and tried to be cool/change old, unhelpful habits accordingly.
Thanks.
47
@32
"...and besides, in doggy position you can both watch NASCAR at the same time."
Fixed it for you!
"...and besides, in doggy position you can both watch NASCAR at the same time."
Fixed it for you!
48
#43: Yes, selfish people generally aim to better themselves and, because of this motivation, have a slightly higher chance of succeeding at it. In most cases though, the success isn't because of being a douchebag, it's because all douchebags instinctively stand up for themselves and speak out while not all nice people do this.
50
Is it normal for girls to orgasm from dry humping alone?Why do I think there's a second missing part to that question, along these lines: Waaaah. My dick's not even anywhere near her. How dare she have an orgasm? {Obviously, I'm feeling mean today.]
Also
Can you come out your butt?I believe Dan didn't quite understand the question and took it to mean Can cum come out your butt? while the person most likely meant Can you have an orgasm out your butt? which should have had something about prostate stimulation in the answer directed at men and figure 8 muscle contractions aimed at women.
53
Though she posted the same comment 6 times, I must say that I understand and have the same problem. I have no hangups about positions in the bedroom, but unfortunately my body just wasn't made in a way that accomodates for doggy style without it being excrutiatingly (sp?) painful. Seriously, if your woman tells you it hurts to do it that way, there's a chance she's telling the truth; not just making up some bullshit due to some problem in her head.
54
My apologies, but I kept getting error/retry messages. Blame the site ;-)
I'm having fun reading this as a metaphor for the subject :-)
I'm having fun reading this as a metaphor for the subject :-)
55
Pretty girls don't just fall into your lap, you know? You actually have to go after them. Some pretty girls really do want a nice guy, but the assholes are the ones who take the initiative. Just sayin. I'm surprised no one has said this yet.
56
Sometimes Dan is sincere and sometimes he's snarky. This becomes a problem when someone can't tell the difference--and is compounded when he mixes the types of responses he gives in one group of questions. So while his response to the straight guys who like doggy style question is clearly meant to be funny and snarky, and everyone can see it that way (I hope), his response about the possibility of ejaculation while sneezing falls under the heading of "was he serious, or was he joking? If he was being sarcastic, it's likely the audience whom he gave the talk to could tell from the tone of voice and his facial expression. But now there are people like #21 and 49, who are responding as if he meant it seriously, and there's really no way to tell.
57
35,36,37,38,40 & 42 makes a good point that transcends her specific uterine condition: stop attributing everyone's non-adoration of your preferred sexual position or act to a mental or psychological hangup. Not everyone is you.
58
You wanna be careful with those sarcastic responses, Dan; some of your younger readers are probably naive enough to take those answers seriously. Do you REALLY want a thousand letters from straight men whose girlfriends have told them they're gay because they like doggy style?
I'm another woman who loves doggy style, so add one more vote to the "it's not just guys who like it" list.
I'm another woman who loves doggy style, so add one more vote to the "it's not just guys who like it" list.
59
I think it's cute when Dan gives the wrong answer to naive people. This has been his job for a long time, I can forgive him for getting tired of answering the same "is my boyfriend gay?" question over and over and over...
Every once in a while I'll involuntarily sneeze when I get aroused (especially in public when I can't touch myself), but sneezing has never made me climax.
Doggy style FTW! I like when we're both on our knees and he can squeeze my hips/breasts and kiss my neck/shoulders. It's fun because it's bouncy and rough, but it does make me really NOISY and I kind of dry up after too much of it. Still, it's my second favorite posish', what a rush!
Thank you #4, that was inspirational and hot! I'm a threesome virgin, but I think I'm more drawn to the "two-woman tag team" aspect as opposed to just putting on a lesbian act.
Every once in a while I'll involuntarily sneeze when I get aroused (especially in public when I can't touch myself), but sneezing has never made me climax.
Doggy style FTW! I like when we're both on our knees and he can squeeze my hips/breasts and kiss my neck/shoulders. It's fun because it's bouncy and rough, but it does make me really NOISY and I kind of dry up after too much of it. Still, it's my second favorite posish', what a rush!
Thank you #4, that was inspirational and hot! I'm a threesome virgin, but I think I'm more drawn to the "two-woman tag team" aspect as opposed to just putting on a lesbian act.
60
I do feel sorry for the women who's anatomy just doesn't do doggie style -- I dated a guy once where that was his favorite position and his gf before me had the tipped uterine thing going on. Seriously, that's a fucking tragedy.
I'm not sure I'd say that doggie style is my all-time favorite, but it's surely in the top 3. When you're in the mood for some pure primal, Animal Kingdom, let's just fuck fucking, nothing beats doggie, especially when you throw in some ass slapping and hair pulling.
Sometimes you want Al Green, but sometimes nothing but Nine Inch Nails will do...
I'm not sure I'd say that doggie style is my all-time favorite, but it's surely in the top 3. When you're in the mood for some pure primal, Animal Kingdom, let's just fuck fucking, nothing beats doggie, especially when you throw in some ass slapping and hair pulling.
Sometimes you want Al Green, but sometimes nothing but Nine Inch Nails will do...
61
#60, I happen to LOVE "doggie-style", AND I happen to have a "tipped" or "tilted" uterus...
...something I had no idea about until my midwife casually informed me during my second perfectly healthy/normal pregnancy and which has never caused any major problems, sexually or otherwise, as far as I can tell.
The most I can say is that I tend to get mentrual discomfort (when I rarely get it) in my lower back rather than my belly area and at certain times in my cycle (when my cervix is low and open and a bit tender...the rel. brief fertile times, in other words) the thrusting of a reasonably large penis attached to a reasonably aroused and eager man CAN bang up against said cervix and cause a bit of discomfort....that's when we/I have to either switch positions or take it a bit easier on the pounding.
Perhaps that's what you are referring to?
Just FTR, it's something an estimated 25% or so of women HAVE, and is hardly the "fucking tragedy" you propose, even IF the male partner in question loves the position.
I would imagine a great many women with "properly" (please note sarcasm) tilted uteruses are likewise prone to cervical discomfort from a good hard pounding in that position, esp. at certain times of the month.
Henry Miller, as I recall, seemed FASCINATED with hard cervical poundings in his fiction, and HIS (fictional) women seemed to love it, but it never did a thing for me.???
But then, I ADORE a good hard pounding from the rear-entry position when my cervix is up higher and harder/not within reach and/or tender and open!
...something I had no idea about until my midwife casually informed me during my second perfectly healthy/normal pregnancy and which has never caused any major problems, sexually or otherwise, as far as I can tell.
The most I can say is that I tend to get mentrual discomfort (when I rarely get it) in my lower back rather than my belly area and at certain times in my cycle (when my cervix is low and open and a bit tender...the rel. brief fertile times, in other words) the thrusting of a reasonably large penis attached to a reasonably aroused and eager man CAN bang up against said cervix and cause a bit of discomfort....that's when we/I have to either switch positions or take it a bit easier on the pounding.
Perhaps that's what you are referring to?
Just FTR, it's something an estimated 25% or so of women HAVE, and is hardly the "fucking tragedy" you propose, even IF the male partner in question loves the position.
I would imagine a great many women with "properly" (please note sarcasm) tilted uteruses are likewise prone to cervical discomfort from a good hard pounding in that position, esp. at certain times of the month.
Henry Miller, as I recall, seemed FASCINATED with hard cervical poundings in his fiction, and HIS (fictional) women seemed to love it, but it never did a thing for me.???
But then, I ADORE a good hard pounding from the rear-entry position when my cervix is up higher and harder/not within reach and/or tender and open!
62
Anastasia -- you're taking it a little too personally. I know women that can't do doggie style because anatomically it's too painful or it just flat out doesn't work -- as some other commenters have mentioned. That doesn't seem to be your issue, so you don't have to get your panties all in a twist.
I didn't understand there was a "proprietary" issue related to uterine position, but man, does the lady protest too much. Get over yourself.
Just like I think it's a tragedy for those that can't eat chocolate or ice cream because of an allergy, I'd feel the same way about women that can't do doggie due to anatomical limitations. Hey, if it's not your thing, no worries. But no need to get all pissy about things. Geesh.
I didn't understand there was a "proprietary" issue related to uterine position, but man, does the lady protest too much. Get over yourself.
Just like I think it's a tragedy for those that can't eat chocolate or ice cream because of an allergy, I'd feel the same way about women that can't do doggie due to anatomical limitations. Hey, if it's not your thing, no worries. But no need to get all pissy about things. Geesh.
63
@22: Mydriasis strikes again!! I was about to comment on @17's post, but you beat this shy, quiet geek girl to it!
64
@61 AnastaciaBeaverhousen: I also have a "tipped" uterus, and experience the same thing--lower back pain more than abdominal discomfort--during my monthly periods from hell! Is there a way to fix tipped uteruses and the discomforts / awkward situations they bring?
My mother also had a tipped uterus, and had a hysterectomy, but advised against my having one because it didn't correct what she needed fixing.
Any suggestions?
My mother also had a tipped uterus, and had a hysterectomy, but advised against my having one because it didn't correct what she needed fixing.
Any suggestions?
65
Were these questions presented in rapid fire format? Or did it seem like Dan was a little disrespectful? I can definitely see it from a humor value. All the Q & A's made me chuckle, but then, some of these people might be reaching out to get a real answer, not a one-liner or, in this case, even just one word.
66
@ 24
You stand by using an implication of child sexual abuse as a perjorative? Do you even know where the term "daddy issues" comes from?
Oh and by the way, your suggestion that most pretty girls are fucked up is some serious inferiority complex bullshit. I've known a LOT of pretty girls and they're no more fucked up than any other group of girls.
You stand by using an implication of child sexual abuse as a perjorative? Do you even know where the term "daddy issues" comes from?
Oh and by the way, your suggestion that most pretty girls are fucked up is some serious inferiority complex bullshit. I've known a LOT of pretty girls and they're no more fucked up than any other group of girls.
68
@32 & 47, you were both close. Doggy allows everyone to watch PORN at the same time. The only drawback to doggy is all the air that ggets trapped up in there. Goodness, there should be some sort of release valve....
69
mydriasis@66: I'd never thought of "daddy issues" as being particularly about sexual abuse, though I can certainly believe it sometimes is. I have usually heard it used to mean that the woman's father was absent or emotionally distant.
70
@69
Considering how unsettlingly common a history of sexual abuse is among women labelled as having "daddy issues" (or mental health issues in general, especially highly stigmatized ones) it hardly makes a difference. And using an implication of emotional abuse, neglect, or abandonment as a perjorative is pretty disgusting also.
Considering how unsettlingly common a history of sexual abuse is among women labelled as having "daddy issues" (or mental health issues in general, especially highly stigmatized ones) it hardly makes a difference. And using an implication of emotional abuse, neglect, or abandonment as a perjorative is pretty disgusting also.
72
@64 google and seak out maya abdominal massage. It's been a miracle for me. Used to have extremely painful pd's and want to avoid a mostly useless his historectamy in the future.
73
mydriasis, I could not agree with you more. Apparently in the world of Tucatz, the mark of being a good, nice guy is that you wear jeans and an oxford shirt. How come all the assholes I know dress just like that? Huh. And all the gentle, shy guys are hiding out behind that "scary" leather jacket! lol
I know one particularly show-offy asshole who is always mocking overtly "sexy" women (like pop singers) for having "look at me, Daddy!" issues. I always wonder if he means, by implication, that he has "look at me, Mommy!" issues? Because he's quite invested in getting off on putting other people down with his great "wit". Perhaps he's still trying to prove Mom loves him more than she loves his big brother. (I jest, of course, but the underlying point is serious.)
I know one particularly show-offy asshole who is always mocking overtly "sexy" women (like pop singers) for having "look at me, Daddy!" issues. I always wonder if he means, by implication, that he has "look at me, Mommy!" issues? Because he's quite invested in getting off on putting other people down with his great "wit". Perhaps he's still trying to prove Mom loves him more than she loves his big brother. (I jest, of course, but the underlying point is serious.)
74
@32, @47, @68: Ha ha!
Seriously, though, the appeal of doggy for me has nothing to do with practical considerations. My cock and I just think women look really sexy in that position. From any angle. The arched back, the dramatic curve of the hips, ass in the air demanding to be admired, breasts dangling, pussy neatly exposed, and body language that says "I don't want you to make love to me, I want you to fuck me."
Woof!
Seriously, though, the appeal of doggy for me has nothing to do with practical considerations. My cock and I just think women look really sexy in that position. From any angle. The arched back, the dramatic curve of the hips, ass in the air demanding to be admired, breasts dangling, pussy neatly exposed, and body language that says "I don't want you to make love to me, I want you to fuck me."
Woof!
76
mydriasis- not sure where you're getting the "daddy issues= sexual abuse" thing from. Daddy issues generally means that the girl's father was absent a lot from her life or gave her insufficient attention, so she now seeks attention and approval from other males.
77
@76
First of all, if you actually looked at the history of girls you like to point out have "daddy issues" you'd find a higher than usual history of sexual abuse. Also, someone else mentioned the same thing and this is what I said:
"Considering how unsettlingly common a history of sexual abuse is among women labelled as having "daddy issues" (or mental health issues in general, especially highly stigmatized ones) it hardly makes a difference. And using an implication of emotional abuse, neglect, or abandonment as a perjorative is pretty disgusting also."
The point is that you think it's acceptable to use someones mental health issues as a way to belittle them, and I'm really not down with that.
Besides, I could just as easily say that since I've had a lot of friends who were 'shy geek/nerd girls' I can claim that they are the ones who go for socially awkward assholes because they often have low self esteem and think that they can't do any better. So pointing to your personal observations isn't really decisive, is it.
First of all, if you actually looked at the history of girls you like to point out have "daddy issues" you'd find a higher than usual history of sexual abuse. Also, someone else mentioned the same thing and this is what I said:
"Considering how unsettlingly common a history of sexual abuse is among women labelled as having "daddy issues" (or mental health issues in general, especially highly stigmatized ones) it hardly makes a difference. And using an implication of emotional abuse, neglect, or abandonment as a perjorative is pretty disgusting also."
The point is that you think it's acceptable to use someones mental health issues as a way to belittle them, and I'm really not down with that.
Besides, I could just as easily say that since I've had a lot of friends who were 'shy geek/nerd girls' I can claim that they are the ones who go for socially awkward assholes because they often have low self esteem and think that they can't do any better. So pointing to your personal observations isn't really decisive, is it.
78
@ mydriasis:
""...among women labelled as having "daddy issues" (or mental health issues in general, especially highly stigmatized ones) it hardly makes a difference. And using an implication of emotional abuse, neglect, or abandonment as a perjorative is pretty disgusting also.""
Oh, come on.
Everyone has annoying behaviour/ characteristics/ issues and is stereotyped according to this to a certain degree. This has nothing to do with mental health issues or traumatic childhoods.
""...among women labelled as having "daddy issues" (or mental health issues in general, especially highly stigmatized ones) it hardly makes a difference. And using an implication of emotional abuse, neglect, or abandonment as a perjorative is pretty disgusting also.""
Oh, come on.
Everyone has annoying behaviour/ characteristics/ issues and is stereotyped according to this to a certain degree. This has nothing to do with mental health issues or traumatic childhoods.
79
Nice guys vs. assholes...
Yes, some of my straight female friends have horrible taste in men. It happens. But sometimes people are a good fit for eachother in ways that are not immediately clear to outsiders, especially outsiders who are biased.
This isn't always true of people asking the question, but it can be, so I feel it's worth saying... being nice to get something isn't actually nice. People can tell the difference.
Yes, some of my straight female friends have horrible taste in men. It happens. But sometimes people are a good fit for eachother in ways that are not immediately clear to outsiders, especially outsiders who are biased.
This isn't always true of people asking the question, but it can be, so I feel it's worth saying... being nice to get something isn't actually nice. People can tell the difference.
81
It should be noted that a lot of guys can convince girls that they aren't assholes. And since a lot of college girls have very little experience with guys, they'll be easier to fool. The asker has to remember that some assholes aren't going to act like an asshole around a girl they like.
82
Thank you mydriasis.
There are plenty of college and professional rapists in suits, button-downs, or who are gamers etc... Assholes are not relegated to a certain "type" of man.
The sense of entitlement underlying the [hawt] chicks like assholes canard is pathetic.
Furthermore, I had to cut ties with someone whose "daddy issues" got the best of her. We are no longer friends, but I wish her well.
"Daddy issues" also affect males too. Perhaps such people find solace in one another because they have something in common?
Finally, imagine the "daddy issues" a girl is going to have growing up with a "daddy" who has such a reductive view towards women... I'm grateful my father was not one of these assholes.
***
The name May I Flog Your Scrotum with a Mace is hilarious!
There are plenty of college and professional rapists in suits, button-downs, or who are gamers etc... Assholes are not relegated to a certain "type" of man.
The sense of entitlement underlying the [hawt] chicks like assholes canard is pathetic.
Furthermore, I had to cut ties with someone whose "daddy issues" got the best of her. We are no longer friends, but I wish her well.
"Daddy issues" also affect males too. Perhaps such people find solace in one another because they have something in common?
Finally, imagine the "daddy issues" a girl is going to have growing up with a "daddy" who has such a reductive view towards women... I'm grateful my father was not one of these assholes.
***
The name May I Flog Your Scrotum with a Mace is hilarious!
83
The sneezing question reminded me of Third Rock from the Sun, when the whole family got their first cold/flu. :-)
84
Assholes come in all shapes and fashions, didn't you learn not to judge a book by its cover? Also, geek to me means "rabid consumer" these days, and geeks can be insufferable bores, from hipsters to cosplayers to football fans. Best to pick from your particular brand of geekery.
I've never thought the term "daddy issues" was a gender-neutral term. There are plenty of men who will forever begrudge their fathers for abondonment/abuse. These guys have major daddy issues too. I think having a aloof tyrant for a father would make anybody search for intimacy elsewhere with more urgency than your average person.
I've never thought the term "daddy issues" was a gender-neutral term. There are plenty of men who will forever begrudge their fathers for abondonment/abuse. These guys have major daddy issues too. I think having a aloof tyrant for a father would make anybody search for intimacy elsewhere with more urgency than your average person.
85
Oops, I mean I've ALWAYS thought "daddy issues" was a gender neutral term. blargh, need more coffee.
86
The reason why hot girls date assholes is that every guy who dates a hot girl is an asshole, in the green eyes of the jealous men who are not dating her.
87
@mydriasis: Considering how unsettlingly common a history of sexual abuse is among women labelled as having "daddy issues" (or mental health issues in general, especially highly stigmatized ones) it hardly makes a difference. And using an implication of emotional abuse, neglect, or abandonment as a pejorative is pretty disgusting also.
I think we are mostly in agreement. Certainly it's nasty to use such a term as a pejorative, and I am in no way defending Tucatz's comment. It's just that I didn't see the specific implication of sexual abuse there.
I think we are mostly in agreement. Certainly it's nasty to use such a term as a pejorative, and I am in no way defending Tucatz's comment. It's just that I didn't see the specific implication of sexual abuse there.
88
BTW, I liked Cliff Pervocracy's take on sexual positions: http://pervocracy.blogspot.com/2010/12/u…
"I don't have a favorite sexual position. I have, however, a favorite sexual position with everyone I've been with. ... And the funny thing is, in these people's other relationships, they had different go-to positions."
"The geometry of bodies, genitalia, and personalities always fits together differently. It's hard, and not too common, to truly be "a doggy-style guy" who carries doggy-style from partner to partner and fits it in with whatever they are. It's the relationship, and not either (or should I say any) person in it, that dictates these things. (Also, the relative length of your thighs.)"
"I don't have a favorite sexual position. I have, however, a favorite sexual position with everyone I've been with. ... And the funny thing is, in these people's other relationships, they had different go-to positions."
"The geometry of bodies, genitalia, and personalities always fits together differently. It's hard, and not too common, to truly be "a doggy-style guy" who carries doggy-style from partner to partner and fits it in with whatever they are. It's the relationship, and not either (or should I say any) person in it, that dictates these things. (Also, the relative length of your thighs.)"
89
@Diagoras, 86: hear, hear
When I hear a guy complain about how all the hot girls date assholes, I just assume a bunch of butthurt on the complainer's part.
When I hear a guy complain about how all the hot girls date assholes, I just assume a bunch of butthurt on the complainer's part.
90
Meh, men have "(hot) girls only like assholes".
Women have, "men only like hot girls".
But: guys who identify with the statement "hot girls only date assholes" come across as jealous and insecure. Also I wouldn't want to date a guy who was implying I had poor taste/judgment in partners; that's pretty insulting.
Women have, "men only like hot girls".
But: guys who identify with the statement "hot girls only date assholes" come across as jealous and insecure. Also I wouldn't want to date a guy who was implying I had poor taste/judgment in partners; that's pretty insulting.
91
"The reason why hot girls date assholes is that every guy who dates a hot girl is an asshole, in the green eyes of the jealous men who are not dating her."
BOOM
Truth bomb.
"Everyone has annoying behaviour/ characteristics/ issues and is stereotyped according to this to a certain degree. This has nothing to do with mental health issues or traumatic childhoods."
I'm sorry, what do you think "daddy issues" refers to? I get that it's so acceptable to mock people on these grounds that no one even bats an eye but it's actually not cool.
BOOM
Truth bomb.
"Everyone has annoying behaviour/ characteristics/ issues and is stereotyped according to this to a certain degree. This has nothing to do with mental health issues or traumatic childhoods."
I'm sorry, what do you think "daddy issues" refers to? I get that it's so acceptable to mock people on these grounds that no one even bats an eye but it's actually not cool.
93
@mydriasis:
When I hear "daddy issues", I think someone has a complicated relationship to their father and tries to compensate in their relationships to male authority figures/ older men/ etc.
Complicated relationship to father *does not automatically* equal the following:
- sexual abuse
- neglectful father
- absent father
- unloving parent
It can just be that the personalities of father and child didn't mesh in the right way and therefore left the child feel like something is lacking.
And how the adult child tries to compensate, depends on the character of the child, not necessarily on his or her mental health.
When I hear "daddy issues", I think someone has a complicated relationship to their father and tries to compensate in their relationships to male authority figures/ older men/ etc.
Complicated relationship to father *does not automatically* equal the following:
- sexual abuse
- neglectful father
- absent father
- unloving parent
It can just be that the personalities of father and child didn't mesh in the right way and therefore left the child feel like something is lacking.
And how the adult child tries to compensate, depends on the character of the child, not necessarily on his or her mental health.
94
@migrationist
That's the point, you're assuming. So you're sitting there snarking about someone's father without knowing what he actually did to her.
That doesn't bother you?
Indeed, the piechart of "complicated relationship" contains "personalities didn't mesh" but it also includes all the more severe things you listed. And really, if someone's relationship to men is fucked up enough for you to notice and comment on, do you really think it's in the slice that you find acceptable? Or do you think it's more likely to fall into another catagoy.
That's the point, you're assuming. So you're sitting there snarking about someone's father without knowing what he actually did to her.
That doesn't bother you?
Indeed, the piechart of "complicated relationship" contains "personalities didn't mesh" but it also includes all the more severe things you listed. And really, if someone's relationship to men is fucked up enough for you to notice and comment on, do you really think it's in the slice that you find acceptable? Or do you think it's more likely to fall into another catagoy.
95
Basically you're assuming that her childhood was fucked up enough to damage her relationships with an entire gender, but not fucked up enough for you to feel bad about mocking. That seems like a pretty slim margin for my liking.
96
If one or both of the couple have excess belly fat, doggie style is less physically demanding. Likewise back problems, age, and aesthetic issues.
97
@mydriasis:
See, I don't think that someone with "Daddy issues" is completely fucked up, or even that their relationship to an entire gender is completely fucked up. Someone can have "Daddy issues" and get along with most men just fine, and just behave in a certain way with a sub-group of older men.
And I am not snarking about their father, sometimes parents and children really don't mesh, without anyone's fault.
It would be easy to blame this difference in perception of "Daddy issues" on my lacking grasp of the English language, as a non-native speaker. But I really think that you get unnecessarily riled by this expression. Therefore I should probably clarify that I never use it myself, and certainly it does not pop into my mind when I deal with people who have been abused or molested.
See, I don't think that someone with "Daddy issues" is completely fucked up, or even that their relationship to an entire gender is completely fucked up. Someone can have "Daddy issues" and get along with most men just fine, and just behave in a certain way with a sub-group of older men.
And I am not snarking about their father, sometimes parents and children really don't mesh, without anyone's fault.
It would be easy to blame this difference in perception of "Daddy issues" on my lacking grasp of the English language, as a non-native speaker. But I really think that you get unnecessarily riled by this expression. Therefore I should probably clarify that I never use it myself, and certainly it does not pop into my mind when I deal with people who have been abused or molested.
100
I don't think "daddy issues" is necessarily a mocking term, though Tucatz certainly used it that way. I've been known to use it of myself.
101
I'd like to back up Mydriasis here. The term annoys me, also. So a woman has problematic relationships. I think it is absurd to assume we know why that is unless we know the woman in question very well, and if it IS because she was abused or neglected, it's disgusting to mock her for it.
At the very least, the implication that every interpersonal quirk we could have is down to our relationships with our parents is a little too outmodedly Freudian for my liking.
At the very least, the implication that every interpersonal quirk we could have is down to our relationships with our parents is a little too outmodedly Freudian for my liking.
102
I had to look up Janice, because she was he coolest Muppet (but please, not with a dick, I'm a straight guy). But here's my question - when you look for YouTube videos of Janice the Muppet, you also get videos of Sharon Tate, so was Janice modelled on Sharon Tate?
103
Being a straight guy, I prefer Janice the Muppet without a dick, thanks. My question is - do you think she was modelled on Sharon Tate? If I search for Janice on YouTube I also get videos of Sharon Tate.
104
The reason hot girls only date 'assholes' is that they can pick and choose so they go for men who appear confident, but don't realise that the only men who act confident are all players. And the reason that players act confident is that they approach so many women that they don't care if they are rejected. End of story.
105
@103 & @104: Not all men are players.
But thanks for sharing info on what warning signs to be aware of.
But thanks for sharing info on what warning signs to be aware of.
107
@ migrationist
The way the OP used the term is typically how it's used in English. It's used as a way to belittle or demean a girl who is promiscious, dresses in a way deemed too sexy, and/or who makes poor choices in the men she dates/sleeps with.
The point is, that you typically don't know if a girl was abused or molested. People typically don't share that with everyone. How do you know the people you're using it on haven't been? You don't. And chances are if their behaviour with older men seems dysfunctional they probably have a much higher chance of that being their history than the average woman. How do you not understand that? Unless you're both a clinical psychologist and also borderline psychic, how do you feel comfortable saying "yes, I'm judging that her behaviour suggests her issues with her father were problematic enough to cause her behaviour, but not problematic enough that commenting on it would be distasteful"
Assuming that you at least agree that it's distasteful to label a girl who was molested by a father (or stepfather, or father figure) as having "daddy issues".
Do I get riled by it? You fucking bet I do. It's a double-whammy of slut shaming and stigmatizing those with mental health issues. Maybe you think it's unnecessary to care about those subjects, but I certainly don't.
The way the OP used the term is typically how it's used in English. It's used as a way to belittle or demean a girl who is promiscious, dresses in a way deemed too sexy, and/or who makes poor choices in the men she dates/sleeps with.
The point is, that you typically don't know if a girl was abused or molested. People typically don't share that with everyone. How do you know the people you're using it on haven't been? You don't. And chances are if their behaviour with older men seems dysfunctional they probably have a much higher chance of that being their history than the average woman. How do you not understand that? Unless you're both a clinical psychologist and also borderline psychic, how do you feel comfortable saying "yes, I'm judging that her behaviour suggests her issues with her father were problematic enough to cause her behaviour, but not problematic enough that commenting on it would be distasteful"
Assuming that you at least agree that it's distasteful to label a girl who was molested by a father (or stepfather, or father figure) as having "daddy issues".
Do I get riled by it? You fucking bet I do. It's a double-whammy of slut shaming and stigmatizing those with mental health issues. Maybe you think it's unnecessary to care about those subjects, but I certainly don't.
108
@mydriasis:
As I wrote above, I don't use the term.
And as I still don't think that girls who dress sexily, are promiscous and/ or make poor choices in men have in majority mental health issues or were molested as children, I do think your tone is unnecessarily emotional and aggressive.
And please, do not presume to know what I care about.
As I wrote above, I don't use the term.
And as I still don't think that girls who dress sexily, are promiscous and/ or make poor choices in men have in majority mental health issues or were molested as children, I do think your tone is unnecessarily emotional and aggressive.
And please, do not presume to know what I care about.
109
@mydriasis:
In my understanding the term is more often used for young women who are primarily interested in older men or men in a position of authority, not for promiscuous women.
In my understanding the term is more often used for young women who are primarily interested in older men or men in a position of authority, not for promiscuous women.
110
@109
Well if you think it's unnecessary to be passionate about those issues, it's somewhat safe to assume you don't really care about them.
Suggesting that someone's childhood or relationship with a parent has caused dysfunctional behaviour IS a mental healh issue. If you STILL don't understand that, I can't help you.
Finally, your understanding is wrong. Promiscuity alone can certainly provoke people to label a girl in such a manner.
Well if you think it's unnecessary to be passionate about those issues, it's somewhat safe to assume you don't really care about them.
Suggesting that someone's childhood or relationship with a parent has caused dysfunctional behaviour IS a mental healh issue. If you STILL don't understand that, I can't help you.
Finally, your understanding is wrong. Promiscuity alone can certainly provoke people to label a girl in such a manner.
111
@mydriasis and KDru
Thanks for coming up in defense of women being labelled with "having daddy issues". It's offensive and belittling, and you very clearly explained why.
Of course people who have been abused by their father figure, whether sexually (like me) or not, or who know people who have been, will know that the "daddy issues" alluded to are worse stuff than having once had a tiff with one's parents over a new hair color. But some people have no clue and have to be enlightened.
That said, I didn't find migrationist's comments to be offensive, even before he/she mentioned not being a native speaker. I didn't see any belittling subtext in them - countrary to Tucatz's ones.
In defense of us non-native English speakers, in matters of phrases that have no equivalent in our own language (and "having daddy issues" certainly has none in my own language) understanding the words themselves doesn't mean grasping all the cultural baggage that comes with saying the phrase. And thus, sometimes it's not possible to tread lightly over those phrases, even with the best intentions, because the basket of eggs that is so plain to you, is invisible to us.
Peace.
Thanks for coming up in defense of women being labelled with "having daddy issues". It's offensive and belittling, and you very clearly explained why.
Of course people who have been abused by their father figure, whether sexually (like me) or not, or who know people who have been, will know that the "daddy issues" alluded to are worse stuff than having once had a tiff with one's parents over a new hair color. But some people have no clue and have to be enlightened.
That said, I didn't find migrationist's comments to be offensive, even before he/she mentioned not being a native speaker. I didn't see any belittling subtext in them - countrary to Tucatz's ones.
In defense of us non-native English speakers, in matters of phrases that have no equivalent in our own language (and "having daddy issues" certainly has none in my own language) understanding the words themselves doesn't mean grasping all the cultural baggage that comes with saying the phrase. And thus, sometimes it's not possible to tread lightly over those phrases, even with the best intentions, because the basket of eggs that is so plain to you, is invisible to us.
Peace.
112
I thought this "Mama Didn't Love Me" tattoo from Raising Arizona was pretty funny at the time, but I now see the error of my ways.
Same for Chris Rock's stripper pole routine.
Same for Chris Rock's stripper pole routine.
113
Seandr, Chris Rock is hilariously funny and he seems very human. The jerk next door who'd label any girl he can't bed as "having daddy issues" is not, though.
On another topic, your post #74 is so vocal, I regret not being a guy, to experience such delights ! I do enjoy doggy style, but only when I'm horny enough for it not to be painful. Meow !
As for the matter of degradation through doggy style raised by the LW, I concur with other posters that any kind of sex feels degrading with someone who despises you. And none with someone who values you.
Oh, and I let that one slip @24 : "Most of the quiet geek girls I've known have not been needy nutters."
FYI Tucatz, in my youth I was the quiet, geek, non-nutty and absolutely non-needy girl, although I had survived incest - and nobody who met me then, ever suspected that. There's a whole range of survival strategies. Avoidance is one of them, just like neediness.
On another topic, your post #74 is so vocal, I regret not being a guy, to experience such delights ! I do enjoy doggy style, but only when I'm horny enough for it not to be painful. Meow !
As for the matter of degradation through doggy style raised by the LW, I concur with other posters that any kind of sex feels degrading with someone who despises you. And none with someone who values you.
Oh, and I let that one slip @24 : "Most of the quiet geek girls I've known have not been needy nutters."
FYI Tucatz, in my youth I was the quiet, geek, non-nutty and absolutely non-needy girl, although I had survived incest - and nobody who met me then, ever suspected that. There's a whole range of survival strategies. Avoidance is one of them, just like neediness.
114
@seandr
Chris Rock is an incredibly funny comedian (he's actually my hands down favourite and I quote him all the time). Comedians often use painful topics for humour and the good ones pull it off, the bad ones fail (Tosh, anyone?).
I think the ones that pull it off are able to do so because they (on some level) display a level of compassion and identification with the subjects they joke about. I know the joke you refer to. He comments that his "one job" as a father is to keep his daughters off the pole. If you have no insight into comedians or humans you might take it completely literally, but to me it's pretty clear he's not showing disdain for women who work in the sex industry and it's also clear that he feels anxiety about being the father of a girl. It's a not-uncommon anxiety.
It's kind of like the difference between a racist joke and a joke about race - Chris rock is again, a good person to learn from if you can't tell the difference!
Chris Rock is an incredibly funny comedian (he's actually my hands down favourite and I quote him all the time). Comedians often use painful topics for humour and the good ones pull it off, the bad ones fail (Tosh, anyone?).
I think the ones that pull it off are able to do so because they (on some level) display a level of compassion and identification with the subjects they joke about. I know the joke you refer to. He comments that his "one job" as a father is to keep his daughters off the pole. If you have no insight into comedians or humans you might take it completely literally, but to me it's pretty clear he's not showing disdain for women who work in the sex industry and it's also clear that he feels anxiety about being the father of a girl. It's a not-uncommon anxiety.
It's kind of like the difference between a racist joke and a joke about race - Chris rock is again, a good person to learn from if you can't tell the difference!
115
@ sissoucat
I didn't find migrationist offensive either, I was simply defending my original reaction to Tukatz's post which was offensive and migrationist challenged.
I didn't find migrationist offensive either, I was simply defending my original reaction to Tukatz's post which was offensive and migrationist challenged.
116
@ mydriasis
Oh, okay - I hadn't understood that. By the way, I feel exactly the same about Chris Rock.
But so many things seem above my understanding tonight. Time for bed already - it's 1am in here. See you !
Oh, okay - I hadn't understood that. By the way, I feel exactly the same about Chris Rock.
But so many things seem above my understanding tonight. Time for bed already - it's 1am in here. See you !
118
For the record, @24, biker does not equal asshole. My husband rides a Harley, dresses in leather, and has multiple tattoos. He also happens to be a true gentleman when it comes to how he treats women, and a wonderful father. Admittedly, he is not my choice of companions when it comes to attending the opera, but I have girlfriends for that. As @84 said, don't judge a book by its cover.
119
"Why do all the beautiful girls only go for guys who are assholes?"
Based on my observations, pretty girls don't need to go for anything--guys come to them. Which guys? Guys who have no qualms about bothering a girl who has surely been hit on 1000 times already this morning, guys who have far more self-esteem than they really ought, guys who ignore the "not interested" signals. If you're a pretty girl, it just doesn't seem to make sense to look for _more_ guys, when you already have guys hitting on you every 3 minutes. And you just don't realise that not all guys are assholes, because all the guys who talk to you _are_. So you choose the king of the assholes.
At least, that's my theory. Prove me wrong :)
Based on my observations, pretty girls don't need to go for anything--guys come to them. Which guys? Guys who have no qualms about bothering a girl who has surely been hit on 1000 times already this morning, guys who have far more self-esteem than they really ought, guys who ignore the "not interested" signals. If you're a pretty girl, it just doesn't seem to make sense to look for _more_ guys, when you already have guys hitting on you every 3 minutes. And you just don't realise that not all guys are assholes, because all the guys who talk to you _are_. So you choose the king of the assholes.
At least, that's my theory. Prove me wrong :)
120
The week started out with "women like douchebags". That morphed in "assholes"-- makes sense since they mean the same.
But I remember the cliche as women like "badboys", which is quite a different thing. My friend, EP, says:
"The bad boy is the outsider, the rival to the alpha. The girl who is picking the bad boy is betting he will supplant the alpha, the dad, the genetically similar."
But I remember the cliche as women like "badboys", which is quite a different thing. My friend, EP, says:
"The bad boy is the outsider, the rival to the alpha. The girl who is picking the bad boy is betting he will supplant the alpha, the dad, the genetically similar."
121
@119
Yeah, that's not true haha.
Lots of pretty, gorgeous girls end up with nice guys - and even take interest in guys who haven't approached them yet. Pretty girls (and even average looking girls IMO) get pretty comfortable with rejecting guys on a regular basis so it's basically background noise. It's similar to when you live in the city. Small town people come out here and are caught off guard somewhat by homeless people asking them for money, people trying to give them fliers, canvassers trying to get you to donate on the street etc. But once you've lived in a city for a while you have a way of dealing with it and you don't even give it much thought anymore.
Same thing goes for rejecting guys. The idea that pretty girls are 'exhausted' by getting hit on so much and have some kind of behaviour change because of it... it's just not true.
Yeah, that's not true haha.
Lots of pretty, gorgeous girls end up with nice guys - and even take interest in guys who haven't approached them yet. Pretty girls (and even average looking girls IMO) get pretty comfortable with rejecting guys on a regular basis so it's basically background noise. It's similar to when you live in the city. Small town people come out here and are caught off guard somewhat by homeless people asking them for money, people trying to give them fliers, canvassers trying to get you to donate on the street etc. But once you've lived in a city for a while you have a way of dealing with it and you don't even give it much thought anymore.
Same thing goes for rejecting guys. The idea that pretty girls are 'exhausted' by getting hit on so much and have some kind of behaviour change because of it... it's just not true.
122
http://www.hookingupsmart.com/2012/08/29…
I liked this article on attraction to bad boys because it introduces personal growth to the discussion. A college student like LWs 2 and 3 above who is attracted to badboys (not exactly the same as jerks or assholes but related concept) is not the same as a 35 year old on her 2nd awful marriage to someone who treats her horribly.
My high school boyfriend had many things going for him. He was good looking, popular, and wicked smart, but he also pursued me in an overt way by asking me out instead of hanging out talking to me. It bespoke confidence. He also came across as needy and deep which gave me that heady feeling of being special. If a man were that out of touch with and unable to communicate his feelings today (at age 50), I wouldn't give him a 2nd look. I'd expect him to be over the adolescent angst.
Which is to say that we all grow up. (At least I hope we do.) By the time a woman is in her late 20s, you hope she's better about noting what's initial attraction and what makes a good long-term prospect. The men get better too at choosing partners.
As for "daddy issues," I'd heard the term but not often enough to say how it's usually used. I googled and learned a little. I'd expand the concept to include all the ways people are drawn to the familiar even if they know it to be awful simply because it's familiar. Adult children of alcoholics tend to be attracted to alcoholics. You'd think they'd know better, but it's all they know. Or maybe they're replaying an infant's equation, one that says that if they're good this time Mommy or Daddy will be consistent and love them the right way. I think it applies across the board.
I spent my 20s being attracted to men who were sarcastic --I thought it showed they were smart-- and who put me down in subtle ways-- a little funny comment here, a bit of teasing there. I guess I put up with it because I thought it showed I was good natured. I was in therapy before I realized that's the way my parents treated me. You couldn't call them (either the guys I was dating or my parents) altogether assholes because it wasn't altogether horrible behavior, no violence, drugs, lies, cheating, just tiny cuts to my self-esteem.
And then I got over it.
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I liked this article on attraction to bad boys because it introduces personal growth to the discussion. A college student like LWs 2 and 3 above who is attracted to badboys (not exactly the same as jerks or assholes but related concept) is not the same as a 35 year old on her 2nd awful marriage to someone who treats her horribly.
My high school boyfriend had many things going for him. He was good looking, popular, and wicked smart, but he also pursued me in an overt way by asking me out instead of hanging out talking to me. It bespoke confidence. He also came across as needy and deep which gave me that heady feeling of being special. If a man were that out of touch with and unable to communicate his feelings today (at age 50), I wouldn't give him a 2nd look. I'd expect him to be over the adolescent angst.
Which is to say that we all grow up. (At least I hope we do.) By the time a woman is in her late 20s, you hope she's better about noting what's initial attraction and what makes a good long-term prospect. The men get better too at choosing partners.
As for "daddy issues," I'd heard the term but not often enough to say how it's usually used. I googled and learned a little. I'd expand the concept to include all the ways people are drawn to the familiar even if they know it to be awful simply because it's familiar. Adult children of alcoholics tend to be attracted to alcoholics. You'd think they'd know better, but it's all they know. Or maybe they're replaying an infant's equation, one that says that if they're good this time Mommy or Daddy will be consistent and love them the right way. I think it applies across the board.
I spent my 20s being attracted to men who were sarcastic --I thought it showed they were smart-- and who put me down in subtle ways-- a little funny comment here, a bit of teasing there. I guess I put up with it because I thought it showed I was good natured. I was in therapy before I realized that's the way my parents treated me. You couldn't call them (either the guys I was dating or my parents) altogether assholes because it wasn't altogether horrible behavior, no violence, drugs, lies, cheating, just tiny cuts to my self-esteem.
And then I got over it.
123
@ Crinoline
"You'd think they'd know better, but it's all they know"
Pretty much. Not knowing how being respected feels, leaves one in danger of further abuse. It's called revictimization in adulthood.
Besides, some situations that you normal folks would run away from, not knowing how to handle them, we have already been forced to endure and we did handle them. We can feel like it's no big deal, we've seen worse - while someone normal would bolt.
"You'd think they'd know better, but it's all they know"
Pretty much. Not knowing how being respected feels, leaves one in danger of further abuse. It's called revictimization in adulthood.
Besides, some situations that you normal folks would run away from, not knowing how to handle them, we have already been forced to endure and we did handle them. We can feel like it's no big deal, we've seen worse - while someone normal would bolt.
126
I wish there were a way to ask LW3 how she's sure the guy she likes likes her in return. The picture I'm getting is that she has no indication; she just wants it to be true so bad that she's convinced herself that it's true. If that's the case, the object of her affection isn't an asshole; he's just not that into her. When he meets someone he likes, he'll suddenly become approachable, attentive, and good-natured.
127
@56 It didn't occur to me that the answer to the sneeze-ejaculation question might be snark. It's totally in character for Dan to be snarky about questions like the one about doggy style (inconsequential and easily answerable if you ask around), but I think it would be out of character for him to be snarky about a "my body does this weird thing - am I some kind of freak??" type of question. Glib, yes, but not snarky or sarcastic. I could be wrong of course.
I'm mostly intrigued by the suggestion that this happens to all guys. Is this one of those sex-specific anatomical things that everybody of one sex knows about and most people of the other sex don't, just because no one ever thinks to bring it up?
I'm mostly intrigued by the suggestion that this happens to all guys. Is this one of those sex-specific anatomical things that everybody of one sex knows about and most people of the other sex don't, just because no one ever thinks to bring it up?
129
The only sneeze - ejaculation connection I know of is the tale that the strength of the former predicts the strength of the latter. Since I sneeze hard and often (allergies), I like the theory.
130
@137 (Sea Otter):I am female, and I took it as a matter of course that Dan was being snarky with the question about the sneezing/ejaculation connection. But then I read the few comments that made it clear his answer was taken seriously, and I thought about how careful you need to be if your job is to enlighten the ignorant or to educate the uneducated--very little room for humor there. But part--a very large part--of Dan's appeal lies in his often non-earnestness, his potty mouth, his insouciance. And that can have a rebound effect, if people, especially young, inexperienced people, can't tell his sincerity from his snarkiness. And here he is, poor Dan, taking questions which betray an incredible amount of unsophistication and blithely tossing off sarcastic answers to very young people. I'm hopeful that the non-verbal cues helped a lot in the context of the original session.
131
Every single comment section for Savage Love columns becomes a sexism and word choice policing fight about 60 or so comments in.
Every single time. Just an observation.
Every single time. Just an observation.
132
@ 82 ALWAYS re: The sense of entitlement underlying the [hawt] chicks like assholes canard is pathetic.
Thank you. I am a conventionally attractive woman. I wear size 2 jeans, I'm busty, and I have nice hair and clear skin. But I'm also smart and I've never tried to hide it. Like most smart kids, I was picked on. Mostly by boys. Of course, as soon as I hit puberty that changed. The guys in the upper tiers of the social food chain started sitting next to me in classes and the guys at the top started outright hitting on me.
I was young and inexperienced and that kind of attention spooked me. I didn't trust it. So I tried to be friends with some of the "nice" guys. I gravitated towards the nerds. I thought that most of them seemed to be pretty stand-up guys. The fact that I shared an interest in a lot of the things they talked about was just icing.
They treated me like shit. They went out of their way to make it very clear to me that I was an object of derision and that they couldn't imagine any man would ever deign to fuck me. Of course, that doesn't mean that they didn't want to keep me around. And it doesn't mean that they didn't hit on me.
This wasn't limited to high school. Most of the "nice" nerd boys I knew in college treated me much the same way. As did many of the "nice" nerd boys I met socially after college.
The way those "nice" nerd boys treated me was nothing unique. A quick google search of "Idiot Nerd Girl meme" paints a very clear picture of what "nice" nerd boys think of cute girls who want to interact with them socially. A google search of "nerd misogyny" reveals more of the same.
Would a different social group of "nice" guys have treated me the same way? I can't say. And some of the nerds I hung around were genuinely nice in addition to being funny, smart, and all around great guys. But, then, I don't recall ever hearing any of those genuinely nice guys complaining that attractive women only date assholes.
And as an aside, I married a man those "nice" guys would have considered an asshole. So I guess that it was a self-fulfilling prophecy. But he doesn't treat me like an object. He doesn't try to tear me down any time I open my mouth. And he likes it that we have similar interests. Can you guess who -I- think the assholes were?
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Thank you. I am a conventionally attractive woman. I wear size 2 jeans, I'm busty, and I have nice hair and clear skin. But I'm also smart and I've never tried to hide it. Like most smart kids, I was picked on. Mostly by boys. Of course, as soon as I hit puberty that changed. The guys in the upper tiers of the social food chain started sitting next to me in classes and the guys at the top started outright hitting on me.
I was young and inexperienced and that kind of attention spooked me. I didn't trust it. So I tried to be friends with some of the "nice" guys. I gravitated towards the nerds. I thought that most of them seemed to be pretty stand-up guys. The fact that I shared an interest in a lot of the things they talked about was just icing.
They treated me like shit. They went out of their way to make it very clear to me that I was an object of derision and that they couldn't imagine any man would ever deign to fuck me. Of course, that doesn't mean that they didn't want to keep me around. And it doesn't mean that they didn't hit on me.
This wasn't limited to high school. Most of the "nice" nerd boys I knew in college treated me much the same way. As did many of the "nice" nerd boys I met socially after college.
The way those "nice" nerd boys treated me was nothing unique. A quick google search of "Idiot Nerd Girl meme" paints a very clear picture of what "nice" nerd boys think of cute girls who want to interact with them socially. A google search of "nerd misogyny" reveals more of the same.
Would a different social group of "nice" guys have treated me the same way? I can't say. And some of the nerds I hung around were genuinely nice in addition to being funny, smart, and all around great guys. But, then, I don't recall ever hearing any of those genuinely nice guys complaining that attractive women only date assholes.
And as an aside, I married a man those "nice" guys would have considered an asshole. So I guess that it was a self-fulfilling prophecy. But he doesn't treat me like an object. He doesn't try to tear me down any time I open my mouth. And he likes it that we have similar interests. Can you guess who -I- think the assholes were?
134
"Why do girls prefer jerks?"
Because they BATHE. Take a SHOWER, Trekkie, wear some clean freaking clothes that Actually Fit You, and learn how to make eye contact!
I say this as a female nerd. Girls get leered at way wayyyyy more at a Con then they do in a bar, and still get treated with casual disdain like 60% of the time.
Also, while I'm ranting, it's not like guys are totally immune from liking a nice physical package while Totally Ignoring the horrible, horrible person inside.
http://humoncomics.com/only-jerks-and-bi…
Because they BATHE. Take a SHOWER, Trekkie, wear some clean freaking clothes that Actually Fit You, and learn how to make eye contact!
I say this as a female nerd. Girls get leered at way wayyyyy more at a Con then they do in a bar, and still get treated with casual disdain like 60% of the time.
Also, while I'm ranting, it's not like guys are totally immune from liking a nice physical package while Totally Ignoring the horrible, horrible person inside.
http://humoncomics.com/only-jerks-and-bi…
135
Dan, I love your column, I've been reading it since I was a teenager. I generally appreciate your straightforward approach to sex advice, and knowledge concerning sex and lifestyle, though after reading this column I don't know if I can side with you and simply sit-by when you voiced your opinion in the manner you did to a young person who simply needed good advice. In a recent "Savage Love" column you answered questions submitted to you at a "Savage Love Live" event by students at Radford University in western Virginia. Among the questions asked in last weeks column was "Do you have any advice for non-openly-gay people at a school where gays are almost nonexistent?" Your response was nothing short of offensive, to say the least, "Recognize that you're part of the problem," really? "The non-openly-gay people at your school [and you]...create a negative nonexistence feedback loop." The advice, I ask, where is it? Then, there's your final approach at helping a young, scared, gay individual, "If you're in a position to come out, come out. If you're not in a position to come out, make plans to get to a place where you can come out. And in the meantime, refrain from whining about a problem that your choices and/or limitations contribute to creating." This statement is extremely callous, and out-of-touch with our community across the country.
Not every gay person (out or otherwise) has the luxury of growing up or living in a socially-progressive environment that enables he or she to come-out at will. I'm sure you understand the apprehension a young person might have to coming-out, you at one point were faced with that battle, and I'm sure that that courage it took to go through with it didn't come so easily or immediately. As a matter of fact you tell your coming-out story on BigThink.com, in it you tell us about how you were ready to come out around the age of 14 or 15, but were reluctant to because you didn't want to further distress your then-recently divorced mother. Instead you chose to come out "a couple years" later to a family priest who told you that it would be better that you came out and live your life happily as opposed to how he, the priest, had decided to live his life by the cloth, in the closet.
By my deduction by simple math and some light socio-cultural studying I have this to say: You came out (approximately, by your account) between the ages of 16 and 18 which is on track with most current developmental models on the subject of coming-out (mostly so with Vivienne Cass's and Eli Coleman's models, though both essentially outdated as kids are identifying as gay as early as 8 years old.) The many factors that feed into the "ability," or rather, willingness to come-out were seemingly not considered. For you to accuse a college aged student (17-26), in an area of the country that is historically volatile towards gay people, of being "part of the problem" and suggesting that they "refrain from whining" is an extremely insensitive and backwards way of thinking. Dan, you are telling this kid that his/her fear and apprehension is not warranted, and that it isn't society's fault, but his/her own that he/she is in this current situation. Ultimately, yes it is up to the self to openly define the self, but if and when said person is at risk to violence, hatred, or any other negativity related to their coming-out, let me tell them, DON'T DO IT UNTIL YOU'RE READY. Your fear is rational, though your struggle is not endless. There is indeed a time and place for these kinds of things, and not everyone should be made to feel that they need to be a martyr in this fight for equal rights and recognition.
A few facts, the person who asked you this question lives in a state that only legalized sodomy and other homosexual activity NINE years ago. Currently, no LGBT citizens of Virginia are granted recognition of their same-sex relationships, nor are these couples allowed to adopt children and there are no statutes protecting gay people from hate crimes. This person is faced with injustice on top of hatred on top of a lack of support. You cannot to expect a person in such a situation to, just like that, come out of the closet, furthermore for you to suggest that they "get to a place" where they can come out, whether you mean physically or emotionally, is asinine. Your and my story of coming out and life story is not mirrored by every gay person in the country. In fact I'd say that you and I, Dan are two of the lucky few gay folks in this country. We both grew up and attended college in socially progressive places (Chicago and New York City) had understanding families that supported us and our paths in life. This person you responded to needed advice, not belittlement. This person is scared, just like we were at one point, regardless of how old they are or where they live, it is, indeed in this day and age, it is legitimate to be afraid of society and what it may do to them if they do in fact come out. This person needs to be guided in the direction of support groups and centers for LGBT youth, not to be told that they are part of the problem.
I grew up in the 90s in Irvine, California, a sunny suburb in Orange County. Though OC has historically been labeled as a bigoted, anti-gay haven for the religious Right, I enjoyed a childhood in a socially-progressive and fiscally/politically-conservative environment. My father, a Roman-Catholic Psychologist and (at the time) recent divorcee was one of the first people I came out to in my early teens (I'd say I was ready about 14 or 15 and came out when I was 14 or 15). I too was frightened of the repercussions of coming out at such a young age much as you were, Dan, in the early 80s in Chicago, a historically socially-progressive and politically-liberal environment. I came out on my terms and at my time. I didn't have any gay friends, or know gay people personally until after I came out and started my own discovery process, which began when I was ready for it. The problem wasn't that no one else was coming out around me, it was public sentiment on the subject. As far as I was concerned at the time it was "weird" and "wrong" to be gay, and that admitting one was meant that you were going to either be beaten to death or die of AIDS, and when I realized that I was at about the age of 10, I tried to pray it away nightly for about four years until I finally came to terms with who I was. Soon after, I came out. There were no marches, no rallies, no parades or waving of unity flags in Orange County (at the time). Rather, there was one out gay kid at Irvine High School, a token member of the school body: me and I, alone. I was never physically assaulted, besides a push or shove in the hall, though verbally I've been assaulted my whole life (for a short period of time I thought my name was Faggot, as it was all that my brothers would call me as a child) and I took such abuse in stride, because I was above people stating the obvious. I face adversity to this day; now living in Manhattan (the island in New York, not the beach in California) I still (albeit with less frequency) am the subject of hate and disdain from hateful, ignorant people. It honestly hasn't gotten better, and who's to say that it ever will? Sometimes we need a dose of reality to help us check ourselves and realize what kind of fight we are fighting, and to not disenfranchise the already disenfranchised members of our community.
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Not every gay person (out or otherwise) has the luxury of growing up or living in a socially-progressive environment that enables he or she to come-out at will. I'm sure you understand the apprehension a young person might have to coming-out, you at one point were faced with that battle, and I'm sure that that courage it took to go through with it didn't come so easily or immediately. As a matter of fact you tell your coming-out story on BigThink.com, in it you tell us about how you were ready to come out around the age of 14 or 15, but were reluctant to because you didn't want to further distress your then-recently divorced mother. Instead you chose to come out "a couple years" later to a family priest who told you that it would be better that you came out and live your life happily as opposed to how he, the priest, had decided to live his life by the cloth, in the closet.
By my deduction by simple math and some light socio-cultural studying I have this to say: You came out (approximately, by your account) between the ages of 16 and 18 which is on track with most current developmental models on the subject of coming-out (mostly so with Vivienne Cass's and Eli Coleman's models, though both essentially outdated as kids are identifying as gay as early as 8 years old.) The many factors that feed into the "ability," or rather, willingness to come-out were seemingly not considered. For you to accuse a college aged student (17-26), in an area of the country that is historically volatile towards gay people, of being "part of the problem" and suggesting that they "refrain from whining" is an extremely insensitive and backwards way of thinking. Dan, you are telling this kid that his/her fear and apprehension is not warranted, and that it isn't society's fault, but his/her own that he/she is in this current situation. Ultimately, yes it is up to the self to openly define the self, but if and when said person is at risk to violence, hatred, or any other negativity related to their coming-out, let me tell them, DON'T DO IT UNTIL YOU'RE READY. Your fear is rational, though your struggle is not endless. There is indeed a time and place for these kinds of things, and not everyone should be made to feel that they need to be a martyr in this fight for equal rights and recognition.
A few facts, the person who asked you this question lives in a state that only legalized sodomy and other homosexual activity NINE years ago. Currently, no LGBT citizens of Virginia are granted recognition of their same-sex relationships, nor are these couples allowed to adopt children and there are no statutes protecting gay people from hate crimes. This person is faced with injustice on top of hatred on top of a lack of support. You cannot to expect a person in such a situation to, just like that, come out of the closet, furthermore for you to suggest that they "get to a place" where they can come out, whether you mean physically or emotionally, is asinine. Your and my story of coming out and life story is not mirrored by every gay person in the country. In fact I'd say that you and I, Dan are two of the lucky few gay folks in this country. We both grew up and attended college in socially progressive places (Chicago and New York City) had understanding families that supported us and our paths in life. This person you responded to needed advice, not belittlement. This person is scared, just like we were at one point, regardless of how old they are or where they live, it is, indeed in this day and age, it is legitimate to be afraid of society and what it may do to them if they do in fact come out. This person needs to be guided in the direction of support groups and centers for LGBT youth, not to be told that they are part of the problem.
I grew up in the 90s in Irvine, California, a sunny suburb in Orange County. Though OC has historically been labeled as a bigoted, anti-gay haven for the religious Right, I enjoyed a childhood in a socially-progressive and fiscally/politically-conservative environment. My father, a Roman-Catholic Psychologist and (at the time) recent divorcee was one of the first people I came out to in my early teens (I'd say I was ready about 14 or 15 and came out when I was 14 or 15). I too was frightened of the repercussions of coming out at such a young age much as you were, Dan, in the early 80s in Chicago, a historically socially-progressive and politically-liberal environment. I came out on my terms and at my time. I didn't have any gay friends, or know gay people personally until after I came out and started my own discovery process, which began when I was ready for it. The problem wasn't that no one else was coming out around me, it was public sentiment on the subject. As far as I was concerned at the time it was "weird" and "wrong" to be gay, and that admitting one was meant that you were going to either be beaten to death or die of AIDS, and when I realized that I was at about the age of 10, I tried to pray it away nightly for about four years until I finally came to terms with who I was. Soon after, I came out. There were no marches, no rallies, no parades or waving of unity flags in Orange County (at the time). Rather, there was one out gay kid at Irvine High School, a token member of the school body: me and I, alone. I was never physically assaulted, besides a push or shove in the hall, though verbally I've been assaulted my whole life (for a short period of time I thought my name was Faggot, as it was all that my brothers would call me as a child) and I took such abuse in stride, because I was above people stating the obvious. I face adversity to this day; now living in Manhattan (the island in New York, not the beach in California) I still (albeit with less frequency) am the subject of hate and disdain from hateful, ignorant people. It honestly hasn't gotten better, and who's to say that it ever will? Sometimes we need a dose of reality to help us check ourselves and realize what kind of fight we are fighting, and to not disenfranchise the already disenfranchised members of our community.
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Dan, I love your column, I've been reading it since I was a teenager. I generally appreciate your straightforward approach to sex advice, and knowledge concerning sex and lifestyle, though after reading this column I don't know if I can side with you and simply sit-by when you voiced your opinion in the manner you did to a young person who simply needed good advice. In a recent "Savage Love" column you answered questions submitted to you at a "Savage Love Live" event by students at Radford University in western Virginia. Among the questions asked in last weeks column was "Do you have any advice for non-openly-gay people at a school where gays are almost nonexistent?" Your response was nothing short of offensive, to say the least, "Recognize that you're part of the problem," really? "The non-openly-gay people at your school [and you]...create a negative nonexistence feedback loop." The advice, I ask, where is it? Then, there's your final approach at helping a young, scared, gay individual, "If you're in a position to come out, come out. If you're not in a position to come out, make plans to get to a place where you can come out. And in the meantime, refrain from whining about a problem that your choices and/or limitations contribute to creating." This statement is extremely callous, and out-of-touch with our community across the country.
Not every gay person (out or otherwise) has the luxury of growing up or living in a socially-progressive environment that enables he or she to come-out at will. I'm sure you understand the apprehension a young person might have to coming-out, you at one point were faced with that battle, and I'm sure that that courage it took to go through with it didn't come so easily or immediately. As a matter of fact you tell your coming-out story on BigThink.com, in it you tell us about how you were ready to come out around the age of 14 or 15, but were reluctant to because you didn't want to further distress your then-recently divorced mother. Instead you chose to come out "a couple years" later to a family priest who told you that it would be better that you came out and live your life happily as opposed to how he, the priest, had decided to live his life by the cloth, in the closet.
By my deduction by simple math and some light socio-cultural studying I have this to say: You came out (approximately, by your account) between the ages of 16 and 18 which is on track with most current developmental models on the subject of coming-out (mostly so with Vivienne Cass's and Eli Coleman's models, though both essentially outdated as kids are identifying as gay as early as 8 years old.) The many factors that feed into the "ability," or rather, willingness to come-out were seemingly not considered. For you to accuse a college aged student (17-26), in an area of the country that is historically volatile towards gay people, of being "part of the problem" and suggesting that they "refrain from whining" is an extremely insensitive and backwards way of thinking. Dan, you are telling this kid that his/her fear and apprehension is not warranted, and that it isn't society's fault, but his/her own that he/she is in this current situation. Ultimately, yes it is up to the self to openly define the self, but if and when said person is at risk to violence, hatred, or any other negativity related to their coming-out, let me tell them, DON'T DO IT UNTIL YOU'RE READY. Your fear is rational, though your struggle is not endless. There is indeed a time and place for these kinds of things, and not everyone should be made to feel that they need to be a martyr in this fight for equal rights and recognition.
A few facts, the person who asked you this question lives in a state that only legalized sodomy and other homosexual activity NINE years ago. Currently, no LGBT citizens of Virginia are granted recognition of their same-sex relationships, nor are these couples allowed to adopt children and there are no statutes protecting gay people from hate crimes. This person is faced with injustice on top of hatred on top of a lack of support. You cannot to expect a person in such a situation to, just like that, come out of the closet, furthermore for you to suggest that they "get to a place" where they can come out, whether you mean physically or emotionally, is asinine. Your and my story of coming out and life story is not mirrored by every gay person in the country. In fact I'd say that you and I, Dan are two of the lucky few gay folks in this country. We both grew up and attended college in socially progressive places (Chicago and New York City) had understanding families that supported us and our paths in life. This person you responded to needed advice, not belittlement. This person is scared, just like we were at one point, regardless of how old they are or where they live, it is, indeed in this day and age, it is legitimate to be afraid of society and what it may do to them if they do in fact come out. This person needs to be guided in the direction of support groups and centers for LGBT youth, not to be told that they are part of the problem.
I grew up in the 90s in Irvine, California, a sunny suburb in Orange County. Though OC has historically been labeled as a bigoted, anti-gay haven for the religious Right, I enjoyed a childhood in a socially-progressive and fiscally/politically-conservative environment. My father, a Roman-Catholic Psychologist and (at the time) recent divorcee was one of the first people I came out to in my early teens (I'd say I was ready about 14 or 15 and came out when I was 14 or 15). I too was frightened of the repercussions of coming out at such a young age much as you were, Dan, in the early 80s in Chicago, a historically socially-progressive and politically-liberal environment. I came out on my terms and at my time. I didn't have any gay friends, or know gay people personally until after I came out and started my own discovery process, which began when I was ready for it. The problem wasn't that no one else was coming out around me, it was public sentiment on the subject. As far as I was concerned at the time it was "weird" and "wrong" to be gay, and that admitting one was meant that you were going to either be beaten to death or die of AIDS, and when I realized that I was at about the age of 10, I tried to pray it away nightly for about four years until I finally came to terms with who I was. Soon after, I came out. There were no marches, no rallies, no parades or waving of unity flags in Orange County (at the time). Rather, there was one out gay kid at Irvine High School, a token member of the school body: me and I, alone. I was never physically assaulted, besides a push or shove in the hall, though verbally I've been assaulted my whole life (for a short period of time I thought my name was Faggot, as it was all that my brothers would call me as a child) and I took such abuse in stride, because I was above people stating the obvious. I face adversity to this day; now living in Manhattan (the island in New York, not the beach in California) I still (albeit with less frequency) am the subject of hate and disdain from hateful, ignorant people. It honestly hasn't gotten better, and who's to say that it ever will? Sometimes we need a dose of reality to help us check ourselves and realize what kind of fight we are fighting, and to not disenfranchise the already disenfranchised members of our community.
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Not every gay person (out or otherwise) has the luxury of growing up or living in a socially-progressive environment that enables he or she to come-out at will. I'm sure you understand the apprehension a young person might have to coming-out, you at one point were faced with that battle, and I'm sure that that courage it took to go through with it didn't come so easily or immediately. As a matter of fact you tell your coming-out story on BigThink.com, in it you tell us about how you were ready to come out around the age of 14 or 15, but were reluctant to because you didn't want to further distress your then-recently divorced mother. Instead you chose to come out "a couple years" later to a family priest who told you that it would be better that you came out and live your life happily as opposed to how he, the priest, had decided to live his life by the cloth, in the closet.
By my deduction by simple math and some light socio-cultural studying I have this to say: You came out (approximately, by your account) between the ages of 16 and 18 which is on track with most current developmental models on the subject of coming-out (mostly so with Vivienne Cass's and Eli Coleman's models, though both essentially outdated as kids are identifying as gay as early as 8 years old.) The many factors that feed into the "ability," or rather, willingness to come-out were seemingly not considered. For you to accuse a college aged student (17-26), in an area of the country that is historically volatile towards gay people, of being "part of the problem" and suggesting that they "refrain from whining" is an extremely insensitive and backwards way of thinking. Dan, you are telling this kid that his/her fear and apprehension is not warranted, and that it isn't society's fault, but his/her own that he/she is in this current situation. Ultimately, yes it is up to the self to openly define the self, but if and when said person is at risk to violence, hatred, or any other negativity related to their coming-out, let me tell them, DON'T DO IT UNTIL YOU'RE READY. Your fear is rational, though your struggle is not endless. There is indeed a time and place for these kinds of things, and not everyone should be made to feel that they need to be a martyr in this fight for equal rights and recognition.
A few facts, the person who asked you this question lives in a state that only legalized sodomy and other homosexual activity NINE years ago. Currently, no LGBT citizens of Virginia are granted recognition of their same-sex relationships, nor are these couples allowed to adopt children and there are no statutes protecting gay people from hate crimes. This person is faced with injustice on top of hatred on top of a lack of support. You cannot to expect a person in such a situation to, just like that, come out of the closet, furthermore for you to suggest that they "get to a place" where they can come out, whether you mean physically or emotionally, is asinine. Your and my story of coming out and life story is not mirrored by every gay person in the country. In fact I'd say that you and I, Dan are two of the lucky few gay folks in this country. We both grew up and attended college in socially progressive places (Chicago and New York City) had understanding families that supported us and our paths in life. This person you responded to needed advice, not belittlement. This person is scared, just like we were at one point, regardless of how old they are or where they live, it is, indeed in this day and age, it is legitimate to be afraid of society and what it may do to them if they do in fact come out. This person needs to be guided in the direction of support groups and centers for LGBT youth, not to be told that they are part of the problem.
I grew up in the 90s in Irvine, California, a sunny suburb in Orange County. Though OC has historically been labeled as a bigoted, anti-gay haven for the religious Right, I enjoyed a childhood in a socially-progressive and fiscally/politically-conservative environment. My father, a Roman-Catholic Psychologist and (at the time) recent divorcee was one of the first people I came out to in my early teens (I'd say I was ready about 14 or 15 and came out when I was 14 or 15). I too was frightened of the repercussions of coming out at such a young age much as you were, Dan, in the early 80s in Chicago, a historically socially-progressive and politically-liberal environment. I came out on my terms and at my time. I didn't have any gay friends, or know gay people personally until after I came out and started my own discovery process, which began when I was ready for it. The problem wasn't that no one else was coming out around me, it was public sentiment on the subject. As far as I was concerned at the time it was "weird" and "wrong" to be gay, and that admitting one was meant that you were going to either be beaten to death or die of AIDS, and when I realized that I was at about the age of 10, I tried to pray it away nightly for about four years until I finally came to terms with who I was. Soon after, I came out. There were no marches, no rallies, no parades or waving of unity flags in Orange County (at the time). Rather, there was one out gay kid at Irvine High School, a token member of the school body: me and I, alone. I was never physically assaulted, besides a push or shove in the hall, though verbally I've been assaulted my whole life (for a short period of time I thought my name was Faggot, as it was all that my brothers would call me as a child) and I took such abuse in stride, because I was above people stating the obvious. I face adversity to this day; now living in Manhattan (the island in New York, not the beach in California) I still (albeit with less frequency) am the subject of hate and disdain from hateful, ignorant people. It honestly hasn't gotten better, and who's to say that it ever will? Sometimes we need a dose of reality to help us check ourselves and realize what kind of fight we are fighting, and to not disenfranchise the already disenfranchised members of our community.
137
Radford was always cool. These days they get Dan Savage (nice!) in my day, the school brought in the Moscow Symphony in 1977, Jerry Reuben , and showed The Story of O in the little movie theater.
Good times.....
Good times.....
138
Oh, and for the one who wants to know where all the gays are, tradionally, the lesbian all live in Wahington Hall. I am sure they would be glad to make some introductions.
139
Your answer to "How do you tell someone that they are bad at sex?" was awesome! I encourage people to also pay attention in reverse. If you are not getting the reaction you expect from a sexual partner, ASK!!!!
I for one don't give a damn about getting head but i know there are guys who love giving it (I'm one of them) and I enjoy watching cuz the view is great.
I for one don't give a damn about getting head but i know there are guys who love giving it (I'm one of them) and I enjoy watching cuz the view is great.
140
"Why do all the beautiful girls only go for guys who are assholes?"
Maybe you only think they are assholes because the girls you like go after them instead of you, so you're predisposed to finding faults with them because they aren't "nice guys" like you...
Maybe you only think they are assholes because the girls you like go after them instead of you, so you're predisposed to finding faults with them because they aren't "nice guys" like you...
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