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August 12, 1999
I don't want to hurt her, or her family. But sex with her is like fucking my little sister. Since I've been in this relationship, women have ceased to be the arousing mystery they once were, and just seem like smelly, warm monkey holes. My sexual appetite has vanished. I really want to get all those old urges back. Can you help?
While it saddens me when any 21-year-old's sexual appetite vanishes, and while it worries me when women cease to be an arousing mystery for any straight boy, and while the mental image of "smelly, warm monkey holes" will haunt me for the rest of my life, I simply cannot help someone who is unwilling to help himself. You're bright, you're white, and you're in college -- you don't need me to tell you what you have to do. To salvage your sex life and your sanity, you're gonna have to look that bright, white girl straight in the eye, open your big, white pie hole and say the words that'll break her heart. You can simply inform her that "it's over," or you can tell her the truth and say, "This isn't working for me," or you can lie like a rug and say, "It's not you, it's me."
Unless you're willing to stage your own death, white boy, it's just not possible to break up with someone without hurting her feelings. Yes, she'll be hurt, and her parents will be hurt, and your parents may be hurt -- and so fuckin' what? People get hurt every day. What are you gonna do? You can't stuff your monkey pole into her monkey hole until you're 91 because you were too big of a chickenshit at 21 to hurt a few people.
One final thought: Before you break your little sister's heart, you might wanna open up to her about your sexual frustrations. Perhaps white girl is every bit as bored as you are, white boy, and has a few wildly exciting fantasies that she's never shared with you. Maybe she worries you'll think less of her if she confesses that she's always wanted to, oh, sneak into your white house, tie your white ass to your bed, beat your white ass black and blue, strap on a black dildo and fuck your white ass senseless. You may still wind up dumping her in the end, but at least you'd get some un-boring sex out of her before you walked.
21-year-old straight boy. Just moved to S.F. Checked out the personals. Met a woman. Enjoy hangin'. Started a relationship. She confessed she was exploring her desires for women. Tryin' it out. She did not want to be exclusive. I'm not invited to be part of these girly encounters. I don't mind. I would be bothered if she was hookin' up with men. Don't know why. She doesn't want me to see other women. I'm not bothered by that either. I've had my fun. I'm ready to be monogamous. Is this healthy? Am I getting into a fucked relationship? Should I look for someone more committed? I like her. My friends think she's using me.
Good Time Boy
She's messing around on you. You're not allowed to mess around on her. Relationship fucked? Depends. You getting what you want? She getting what she wants? Yes? Then, no, not fucked. Unique. Nothing wrong with unique. Unique can be healthy. You've had your fun. She's having hers. You like her. Don't listen to your friends.
One other thing. Her desire for women? Likely to last a lifetime. She may never settle down. Unique arrangement could last forever. Does that bother you? Yes? Then look for someone more committed.
I am a 21-year-old male with a wonderful girlfriend. We like to have sex a lot and there's never been any problem. The only thing is, we don't use a condom. We are both disease-free, tried, tested, and true. However, I am aware that a woman's body is a time bomb waiting to go off in terms of pregnancy. To her credit, she hasn't gotten pregnant in the five months we've been spunkin'. I haven't used a condom with her yet, and I really don't want to. I've brought up "the Pill," but she is worried it will "change her." If I could present some proof to her that the Pill doesn't change you as a person, I would have a better chance at getting her to try it. She loves it when I spunk in her and I love spunking in her. If we could do it without worrying about pregnancy, that would rock.
Don't Wanna Give up Sex with a Hot Girl
Your hot girl needs to stop worrying about how the Pill will change her and start thinking about how pregnancy will change her. Unless she's absolutely committed to getting an abortion when -- that's when, not if -- she gets pregnant, take your ticking time bomb to your nearest Planned Parenthood office (call 1-800-230-PLAN to find the PP office nearest you), sit down with a counselor, and discuss your spunk-in-her birth control options. While the Pill is effective, it does have some side effects (though today's pill has many fewer than pills of yore), but the Pill isn't your only birth control option. She can get an effective-if-gooby diaphragm, or five years worth of birth control implanted in her arm, or you can get a vasectomy. In the meantime, do you realize how stupid you are? When she gets pregnant -- again, that's when -- you and your little spunk stick will be up shit creek without a canoe, let alone a paddle. If she decides to keep that baby -- your baby -- you'll be completely and entirely fucked. Fucked, fucked, fucked. Once upon a time, 21-year-old boys could knock up girls and disappear. But these days, spunky, being a deadbeat dad is not an option. The government will hunt you down, garnish your wages -- heck, they'll even throw your idiot ass in jail. Is the momentary pleasure of spunkin' in her worth the agony of 20 years of child support payments?
Department of Corrections: It has come to our attention at Savage Inc. that a news item cited in last week's column was, sad to say, an Internet hoax. For the record: Researchers at the Kinsey Institute DID NOT look at 5,172 men's cocks, and DID NOT determine that, on average, gay men had significantly larger cocks than straight men. We apologize for the error. While a mountain of anecdotal evidence indicates that gay cock is larger than straight cock, as of this writing no hard data exists. Clearly, more study needs to be done in this area, and to that end, my research assistant, little Kevin, has gone into the field. If a short blond guy in too-stylish trousers approaches you on the street, in a dark bar, or near a public restroom and asks to see your cock "for research purposes," please don't stand in the way of science.