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The Coast

October 9, 2013

I visited Halifax, Nova Scotia, last week to help celebrate the 20th anniversary of the founding of the Coast, Halifax's kick-ass alternative weekly newspaper. The paper brought me to town to do Savage Love Live. I took questions for two hours in the auditorium of a brand-new Halifax high school that has a full bar. (First you have socialized medicine, and then marriage equality, and now bars in high schools—what's not to love about Canada? Oh, right: Stephen Harper.) Things got dirty. Here's a selection of Halifax's questions and my answers...


Current celebrity crush?

Jorge Mario Bergoglio.


My boyfriend broke up with me 10 times over the last two years. But this time, he says he's committed. Am I stupid?

You may or may not be stupid (impossible to tell from a question on a green index card), but you do meet a popular-if-annoying-but-sometimes-accurate definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over—doing this boyfriend of yours over and over again—and expecting different results. Tell him this chance is his last, and don't take him back a 12th time.


My partner is obsessed with Shania. He's gay. Is this normal?

It's gay normal. Sometimes it's a Shania, sometimes it's a Cher, sometimes it's a Gaga. My gay husband is currently obsessed with a Katy Perry. Maybe we should start a support group?


Anal rose budding videos—your reaction?

O_o


Married straight lady. My husband told me he is bi. I couldn't imagine something hotter! But he is also EXTREMELY monogamous. Suggestions? I want to have fun with this!

Strap-ons—like the ones they sell at Venus Envy, Halifax's education-oriented sex shop and bookstore—are fun. Or, hey, you could push your husband to adopt the "gay normal" definition of monogamy: Have threesomes only with each other and one additional hot bi guy and all your threesomes will be EXTREMELY monogamous.


I'm a kinky, poly guy who meets awesome kinky, poly girls on the internet. Everything is great, except I never know when or if to go in for a first kiss. Thanks!

None of the kinky, poly girls I've met in Seattle, New York, SF, Toronto, Chicago, etc. are what you would call shy. So I bet if you told the kinky, poly girls of Halifax during your pre-meeting, internet chats that you prefer to let KPGs make the first move—including going in for that first kiss—you'll be set.


Will you tell us about your first sexual experience?

Nope.


Is it weird that I, the girl, want to have sex more than my boyfriend?

Nope.


Is it inappropriate for me to flirt and attempt to have an affair with a married coworker?

Yep. Be considerate. Maybe this guy is dying to cheat on his wife, maybe he's looking for someone to cheat with, but if you sense that he really, really wants to stay faithful and your flirtatious attentions are (1) torture for him but (2) harder and harder to resist, do him, his wife, and your karma a favor and go fuck someone else.


What ground rules should be set for a friends-with-benefits situation?

The most important ground rule: Be friends. Too many people are pointedly unfriendly to their FWBs because they don't want their FWBs "getting the wrong idea," i.e., they don't want their FWBs to think they might be interested in something more serious. The result? FWB situations that are all B and no F. No friendly gestures (friends sometimes give each other gifts), no friendly assistance (friends sometimes help each other move), no friendly concern (friends are there for each other). Don't want your FWB to get the wrong idea? Use your words to tell your FWB that a serious romance isn't in the cards. Then be a friend to your FWB.


How can I go about financial domination in a smart way? (I'm a 19-year-old girl and I'm looking to Dom.)

Most men who submit to financial domination—making cash gifts to a Dom—expect a little something in return: some attention, some pictures, maybe a Skype session now and then. Be warned: Once your images are out there, they're out there. And an angry, vindictive "sub" might post your pictures online, or a careless sub could lose his computer and someone else could steal and post your photos.


Any plans to retire?

They'll have to pry my column from my cold, dead hands just like they pried Ann Landers's column from hers.


How do I make cum taste better?

"Cum" is not a word. We don't have three-letter alternate spellings for other four-letter words that have double meanings. You wouldn't write "I know this guy who sucks and he's a mean dick, but he's so fucking hot, I want to suk his dik." The proper spelling of "come" works just fine too. But in answer to your question: Come is an acquired taste. No one likes Guinness the first time they drink it, right? But soon you're happily knocking back pints of the stuff.


My partner is a neat freak and a control freak in everyday life, but in bed she's a whore. Is this normal?

Nope, but it sounds awesome—dirty sex is always more fun in a spotlessly clean apartment.


Is it true that some men like a finger in the butt during a blowjob?

Yes, some men like a finger in the butt during a blowjob. Some men like two, some like more. How to determine if the man you're blowing likes a finger in the butt? Take his dick out of your mouth and ask.


What's the best place to make love?

In the butt. (Individual results may vary.)


Thanks, Halifax, for such a great evening. And congrats to Kyle and Christine and everyone at the Coast on 20 great years!


The new Savage Lovecast season starts October 22 at savagelovecast.com.

mail@savagelove.net

@fakedansavage on Twitter

 

Comments (157) RSS

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1
Frist!
Posted by Frist! on October 8, 2013 at 4:31 PM · Report this
2
I had to google Jorge Mario Bergoglio, because I only know him by his title, but good answer!
Posted by Buffy on October 8, 2013 at 4:32 PM · Report this
3
A full bar in a high school? Oh waaaaaaaaiiiittt.... the drinking age is only 18 in Canada!!!
Posted by bodhirungus on October 8, 2013 at 4:33 PM · Report this
4
Quit trying to be a language cop, Dan. Cum is fine. It seems dirtier by that spelling, and that is the intent.
Posted by Hunter78 on October 8, 2013 at 5:31 PM · Report this
5
Dan Savage, weilder of snark, defender of traditional spelling.
Posted by DRF on October 8, 2013 at 5:45 PM · Report this
6
Is it inappropriate for me to flirt and attempt to have an affair with a married coworker?

If the attention is unwelcome in any way to your target, it could turn very bad for you. So go after someone else.

The rest of the office will notice and discuss, whether your target is interested or not. So go after someone else.

(Both of these were an amusing theme at Prudie's chat Monday, with one woman completely oblivious to how her boss casually letting her know how her uninterested target's girlfriend was going to be at the next company outing indicated that she was really, really making a fool of herself.)

This person's spouse has done nothing to you and does not deserve your scorn and malice, so go after someone not married. (If this person's spouse cut you off in traffic and you have spent the last six months engineering your way into their spouse's path as a means of revenge, you need a hobby.)
Posted by IPJ on October 8, 2013 at 5:50 PM · Report this
7
Am I being too PC thinking Dan should have pulled up that guy for sort of slut shaming his partner by calling her a "whore" in bed? Sort of thought it was inappropriate myself but Dan didn't comment so maybe its just me. Like, what does that really mean? Is there not a better way to express the same idea?
Posted by NZBee on October 8, 2013 at 5:56 PM · Report this
mydriasis 8
@NZBee

Um.... assuming that being compared to a sex worker is offensive is kind of slut shaming in itself, isn't it?
Posted by mydriasis on October 8, 2013 at 6:13 PM · Report this
9
@4: No, "cum" is NOT fine, and THANK YOU DAN for saying so!
Posted by jack chandelier on October 8, 2013 at 6:16 PM · Report this
10
Language is determined by usage, not self-appointed authorities. The "cum" spelling is very well established. I like it only for the wet and sticky noun.

Posted by Hunter78 on October 8, 2013 at 6:26 PM · Report this
11
@7, and here I was stuck on my partner's a "control freak." I'm whorish in bed and proud of it, but if my partner described me as a "control freak," I'd have to sit them down and get them to admit they're wrong.
Posted by EricaP on October 8, 2013 at 6:33 PM · Report this
12
@mydriasis

Hmm perhaps but the term whore doesn't imply sex worker to me. Its not that I think the guy was trying to slut shame his partner, it just struck me as a strange choice of word on his part.
Posted by NZBee on October 8, 2013 at 6:35 PM · Report this
Allen Gilliam 13
Whore used like that is an implied comparison. She's as uninhibited and wild in bed as a woman who fucks for money. It's more of a compliment to whores than any kind of shaming. It's a good thing; not a criticism. (Actually, I think the questioner was just bragging.)
Posted by Allen Gilliam http://softlyspokenmagicspells.com on October 8, 2013 at 6:50 PM · Report this
lolorhone 14
1. Kind of crushing on him, too.
2. Perhaps a better question is am I a masochist?
3. Normal if somewhat behind-the-curve.
4. Epic, traumatic levels of grossed-the-fuck-out, personally. Doesn't seem comfortable either.
5. This seems much more problematic on the honesty front than is being acknowledged, but I guess if she's down with it...
6. You're adorable.
7. Does anyone want to recount that story amongst strangers?
8. Such a 60s question.
9. Unless you know for a fact that the marriage is toxic and irredeemable, it's a dick move.
10. Remember that it is not a free pass to act like an asshole to someone you're having sex with.
11. N/A
12. N/A
13. Pineapple juice for no bitter aftertaste. Still tastes like come, though.
14. Dirty sex in a dirty setting can be awesome too.
15. You could also ask him if he'd like to try.
16. Here's a link to address the real issue here (those concerned about Murphy's stance on gay people should note his arrest record and his outfit and keep laughing):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1DsWazTC6…
Posted by lolorhone on October 8, 2013 at 6:59 PM · Report this
15
There is nothing wrong with "cum", especially when used as a noun. Come and cum are both slang terms to describe semen/sperm and I don't think there are any hard and fast grammatical rules about which one to use. The way Dan dismissively wrote his response and made a big point of it suggests to me that something about the word "cum" personally irks him. But no, there is nothing wrong with using it. "Come" can be an ambiguous usage since it's also a common verb ("Come visit me"), but "cum" has only sexual connotations and is easier to understand in noun form. The general accepted definition from my quick google search is that "come" is to be used more in an erotica context for verbs ("I'm coming") and "cum" more in a porn/dirty/explicit context ("He shot his cum all over me"). But again, it's debatable at best and if you have a room full of editors you will get a room full of conflicting opinions.
Posted by anon13 on October 8, 2013 at 7:22 PM · Report this
16
Re Pope Francis, actions speak louder than words. http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyath…
Posted by wine-o on October 8, 2013 at 7:26 PM · Report this
17
I don't have anything against female dogs, either, but I don't want to get called a bitch.
Posted by Eirene on October 8, 2013 at 7:43 PM · Report this
18
Since you often remind your readers that a straight-identified man's interest in receiving anal play does not imply secret longings for faggotry, your strap-on answer to Married Straight Lady may confuse people.
Posted by F.A.W. on October 8, 2013 at 10:44 PM · Report this
19
@16 Agreed. He follows the same dogma as his predecessors, he's just decided not to talk about it so much. I'm not so sure a PR makeover is all that crushworthy.
Posted by shrmpnt on October 8, 2013 at 11:04 PM · Report this
20
What the heck is anal rose budding? (Except that it reminds me of that "stem the rose" comment from "Brokeback Mountain.)
Posted by crankyWAprof on October 8, 2013 at 11:11 PM · Report this
21
Married Straight Lady irks me. It's bad enough when the bi person uses their own bisexuality as a special pleading for extracurricular sex. But she is taking his sexuality and using it against him, for her own ends. If he himself is EXTREMELY monogamous, then it doesn't matter if he is bi or not; what matters is the number "one," a number which his wife doesn't quite seem to grasp. If she wants to have some extra-relationship sex, she should take responsibility for her own desires. Making it about _his_ bisexuality, in order to satisfy _her_ desires, when he doesn't even want it, is EXTREMELY disingenuous.
Posted by avast2006 on October 8, 2013 at 11:12 PM · Report this
22
Totally agree with hunter78. Is it just me or has Dan been such a dick lately? #lameadvice
Posted by Insudeup on October 8, 2013 at 11:58 PM · Report this
lolorhone 23
@20: Just google 'anal rose budding' for examples, but prepare yourself (definitely NSFW, not to mention just plain disturbing). As for 'stem the rose' in Brokeback Mountain, it's either a Shakespearean allusion to fighting against falling in love ("Despite being from two families at war with each other, Romeo and Juliet were unsuccessful in their attempts to stem the rose... and love won out".) or, more likely in the context of Wyoming cowboys in the 60's, a metaphor for anal sex (stem=penis, rose=anus). This has been a very ass-centric inquiry, I must say.
Posted by lolorhone on October 9, 2013 at 12:44 AM · Report this
24
So "Mr. 200% Straight Guy" now resides in Halifax, Nova Scotia? Does he still have the same masseur?
Sorry--I couldn't help being a wiseass.
I'm just curious, though.

Congrats, Dan, on your recent trip to Canada!
Nova Scotia is definitely another travel destination for me.
Posted by auntie grizelda on October 9, 2013 at 1:34 AM · Report this
25
I agree with 7 and 11. Calling your girlfriend a control freak and a whore isn't cool. Dan's reply was snappy and all but I think the guy realllly needed a smack upside the head. Dude, your girlfriend is entitled to be free in the bedroom, she is a real person, just like you she has desires and fantasies. Don't be intimidated by them, embrace the fact that she is an enthusiastic lover and enjoy yourselves. If you find that her desires go beyond yours don't chalk it up to her 'whorishness', just admit you're sexually incompatible and move on. Contrary to what you may have been told, men are not the only ones who want sex. Your girlfriend sounds completely normal to me...except for the clean freak thing...that's one of those things I just accept as a mystery of the world...

Posted by jujubee80 on October 9, 2013 at 2:44 AM · Report this
26
I commend Ms Grizelda on correct use of "masseur" and applaud Ms Erica's round of humour.

1 Would it have been Alan Cumming if he'd spelled it differently?

2 To which asylum?

3 Pro tip to questioner - when questioning a partner's celebrity obsession, USE A LAST NAME.

4 Pass

5 A point to Mr Rhone for noting the timing. A point and a half to Mr Avast for smacking the questioner. She should clearly divorce her husband and marry Mr Ophian. But this question is an excellent illustration of the sort of predatory opposite-sexer female attitude exhibited by those women who think that male same-sexerism exists only for their own jollies. Thus far, the R&O Fan Club members have, to their credit, not demonstrated such an attitude, highly reminiscent of the stereotypical straight male interest in female same-sexers.

6 Isn't kissing considered a higher tier of kink among those circles?

7 But Mr Savage ratted on Mr Miller in #3? Still, good for Mr S.

8 No weirder than the questioner's buying into the brainwashing.

9 Inappropriate depends on who's setting the standards, but I'm sure it's in character.

10 Well played, Mr S.

11 Join MENSA?

12 At least Mr Savage's competition justifies his optimism.

13 The greatest purpose of that spelling is that it serves to warns those who might otherwise be attracted to its users.

14 This is the one chance the questioner has to have Mr Savage save her from her disastrous life, and she chooses to ask if it's normal instead of how to get out? (gendering as female deliberate just to counter the male gendering)

15 If the Match Game teaches us anything other than Charles Nelson Reilly's distaste for socks, it is not to attempt to match a general and a specific.

16 Well played again, Mr S.
More...
Posted by vennominon on October 9, 2013 at 6:20 AM · Report this
27
@25, I think most control freaks know they are control freaks. Not an insult to acknowledge that.

Plus, he could be describing my wife and those are the very reasons I married her. I agree with 13, I think he was bragging.
Posted by Texans on October 9, 2013 at 6:28 AM · Report this
28
@21 has a good point: It's just not that freakish for someone to not want their partner to have sex with third parties, whether that's in private via an open marriage or in a threeway with both spouses present. Whining "But it's for yoooouuuuu" is just annoying.
Posted by IPJ on October 9, 2013 at 6:47 AM · Report this
29
this is what i don't like about dan. sooooo traditional.

google scholar:
7,190 entires with "pre-cum" vs. 2,310 for "pre-come" = 3.1:1 for pre-cum
since 2012 it's 903 for "pre-cum" to 220 = 4.1:1
= trend is pre-cum wiping pre-come off the face of the ass

Oxford English Dictionary approves of pre-cum as acceptable incl it's first 1984 use in print, which is slightly NSFW:

pre-come n. (also pre-cum) = pre-ejaculate n.; cf. come n.1 5.

1984 R. N. Boyd Sex behind Bars 174 His cock, wet from pre-cum, slid easily into the ass that Steve had already loosened up.
2004 Gay Times Feb. 45 (advt.) HIV is in the blood, cum and pre-cum of an HIV positive man.

source: OED Third Edition, March 2007, retrieved this morning (full subscription OED online)
Posted by delta35 on October 9, 2013 at 6:48 AM · Report this
30
@26: His question is an excellent illustration of the sort of predatory opposite-sexer female attitude exhibited by those women who think that male same-sexerism exists only for their own jollies.

I've heard this from some gay writers exasperated with slash fic. A good point. More broadly, with avast's point: It's about your partner, not about you. I recall a comment from a guy who'd figured out his wife was bi and dropped in a casual "If you wanted to try it with a girl sometime, I'd be mellow with that." Then backed off, rather than go into a frenzy of trying to convince her to bed a woman pronto and tell him all the details, or they could find a third on Craig's List RIGHT NOW, come on, I know you think girls are hot!
Posted by IPJ on October 9, 2013 at 6:57 AM · Report this
31
"Anal rosebudding" looks a lot like "rectal prolapse". That's an injury, can severely interfere with normal life, and often requires surgical correction. WTF. People do this on purpose?
Posted by tau on October 9, 2013 at 7:16 AM · Report this
32
the nail in the "pre-come" old timers' spelling coffin: us yung uns who r interwebs savvy spell it cum

http://books.google.com/ngrams/graph?con…

the last few times pre-come was more widely used were 1830s and 1912. hmmm... maybe this means dan's preference for pre-come means he is a true uber radical seeking to overturn the existing cum-spelling-hegemony, and i am the defender of the entrenched status quo. uh oh. at least i have my lowercase and lack of final punctuation
Posted by delta35 on October 9, 2013 at 7:25 AM · Report this
AFinch 33
Heh...so I always thought the proper noun - and spelling - was "semen". I thought the proper (commonly accepted) spelling of the slang term for ejaculate is "cum" just as the proper spelling of the slang term for penis is "dick". Urban Dictionary and Dictionary.com back me up in this. Common (accepted) usage is what decides an otherwise arbitrary choice (spelling).

As an anal fan, I have to say, Rosebudding is just...dumb (nothing sexy about it) and seems like a bad idea for the long term...unlike gaping.
Posted by AFinch on October 9, 2013 at 7:51 AM · Report this
John Horstman 34
@33: Yes, if we're going to be pedantic (and you know we are!), the proper spelling of the noun is indeed "semen" and the verb is "orgasm" or "ejaculate" as appropriate. :-)
Posted by John Horstman on October 9, 2013 at 8:31 AM · Report this
35
Ven [26],

re Cum:

The greatest purpose of that spelling is that it serves to warns those who might otherwise be attracted to its users.

Wow! Some people have hair triggers for DTFMA, or Never Involve Yourself With This Person! Maybe, Ven, since you're RfR, you find it too easy to dispose of others.

I like "cum", because it looks so dirty and decadent, and calls forth vivid images into my mind.
Posted by Hunter78 on October 9, 2013 at 9:20 AM · Report this
36
If there are people who find the spelling bad, that means it's good.
Posted by Hunter78 on October 9, 2013 at 9:26 AM · Report this
37
My only problem with the spelling "cum" is that it has rather spoiled the usage of the Latin derivative carrying the meaning "turned into," as in 'legislator-cum-financial saboteur."
Posted by avast2006 on October 9, 2013 at 9:43 AM · Report this
nocutename 38
Jorge Mario Bergoglio? You can do better.
Posted by nocutename on October 9, 2013 at 10:05 AM · Report this
nocutename 39
@37: I agree. I feel like every time I use it when it is warranted, it makes someone snicker.
To me, there's something kind of juvenile about spelling it "cum," rather than "come," but I admit that if the usage is limited to it in its noun form (semen) it does cut down some occasional temporary confusion. It's not something I'm going to spend a lot of time worrying about.

Question: is there something male-centric about cum? Does it refer to any and all ejaculatory fluids produced by both males and females when it's a noun? When used as a verb, does it refer to orgasm or ejaculation--not the same thing. (I've known men who orgasmed without necessarily ejaculating, and of course: women.)
Posted by nocutename on October 9, 2013 at 10:15 AM · Report this
40
My guy and i did a juice cleanse once and his come tasted like candy, fyi
Posted by Oranges on October 9, 2013 at 10:37 AM · Report this
41
@40:
That is because his body went into ketosis. This also happens to anorexics and during starvation. The body produces ketone bodies in the liver to provide energy for the brain. These ketone bodies have a fruity / citrussy smell.
Posted by migrationist on October 9, 2013 at 10:58 AM · Report this
42
Cum passed the auto-spell test...

Peace
Posted by Married in MA on October 9, 2013 at 11:13 AM · Report this
43
(and yes I know about "kyoom" (cum))

Peace
Posted by Married in MA on October 9, 2013 at 11:15 AM · Report this
AFinch 44
@41 - another reason to go super-low carb! I had no idea it had this effect!

@29 - I should've read all the comments first - yours was better and better sourced.

WRT the threesome jollies: I don't disagree with the annoying factor some respondents have cited, but I somehow think the odds he's not so offended by discovering his wife would like to watch are all that great, his being a man and all. Ok, nomex suit on.
Posted by AFinch on October 9, 2013 at 11:21 AM · Report this
Eudaemonic 45
Jorge Mario Bergoglio.

I think he's straight, even though I'd bet you $10,000 of Mitt Romney's money that the last one wasn't. Does that have a bearing on celebrity crushes?

@ 39: Question: is there something male-centric about cum?

My understanding is "no," though in the noun form it has a sort of de facto male-centric meaning, just because juveniles on the internet are more likely to be talking about a man's ejaculate than a woman's. No idea about the rest.

@ 42. Cum passed the auto-spell test...

God dammit.
Posted by Eudaemonic on October 9, 2013 at 11:26 AM · Report this
Eudaemonic 46
@ 11: ...but if my partner described me as a "control freak," I'd have to sit them down and get them to admit they're wrong.

lol. That's what would happen to me if I said the same, but it would be about the "neat freak" part. There are many ways our place could be neater, and I imagine this would make her explain them to me in detail. And then make me agree.

Posted by Eudaemonic on October 9, 2013 at 11:33 AM · Report this
47
Why have people started using obscure emoticons looking like O_o overnight? What do they mean? How did I miss the memo. Where am I? Who am I?
Posted by cockyballsup on October 9, 2013 at 11:40 AM · Report this
48
"1984 R. N. Boyd Sex behind Bars 174 His cock, wet from pre-cum, slid easily into the ass that Steve had already loosened up.

source: OED Third Edition, March 2007"

(Fanning myself.) Who knew? Obviously I should read the dictionary more. In bed.
Posted by cockyballsup on October 9, 2013 at 11:50 AM · Report this
gueralinda 49
About the taste of come - if he comes while fully inserted into the back of your throat, you're not going to taste a thing.
Posted by gueralinda on October 9, 2013 at 12:00 PM · Report this
50
AFinch @44:
Ketosis is not necessarily a healthy state (you did read the "starvation" and "anorexics" point?).
Posted by migrationist on October 9, 2013 at 12:06 PM · Report this
51
Hmmm... a bi husband who is "EXTREMELY monogamous"... and that doesn't read to you as gay and closeted, Dan? Seems that if he was truly bi, he'd be eager to get out and play with his wife and another guy. But if he was gay but contentedly married, perhaps he is afraid of opening Pandora's box...
Posted by transient on October 9, 2013 at 12:18 PM · Report this
bripatrick 52
If "cum" isn't a way to spell the synonym of "ejaculate", then someone needs to tell every porn title ever.
Posted by bripatrick on October 9, 2013 at 12:28 PM · Report this
53
bisexual =/= poly

Come on, folks, it's not that tough.
Posted by Eirene on October 9, 2013 at 12:29 PM · Report this
54
Dan, I love your column, but I'm surprised to see your criticism of the spelling "cum". Written language is always evolving, and the English language has too many homonyms to criticize this one: "cum" is extremely well known, used and accepted widely, and it makes clear exactly what you're talking about. imho, clarity in written language is a good thing... and can be quite tasty!
Posted by maxiF on October 9, 2013 at 12:31 PM · Report this
mudandfire 55
Do *NOT* look up anal rose budding unless you want to be disturbed for at least the rest of the day. And a true NSFW Goggle if there ever was one. Sadly, I'm at home today, so I went for it. Poor me. No mental bleach to get that stain out any time soon.
Posted by mudandfire on October 9, 2013 at 12:40 PM · Report this
56
Mr Hunter - Mr Savage, being not much younger than I am, takes his instinctive reactions from the days when people who used that spelling were distinctly seedy. The utility of the spelling is not sufficiently great to justify overturning such a response.

Now, it is true that I am a great advocate of divorce, with the only flaw being that it enriches divorce lawyers - a serious flaw indeed. However, to paraphrase Miss Crawford, I should have almost everybody divorce, as soon as they could do so to advantage. My main exception would be the S&Ms, as their divorcing would be too great a victory for Ms Gallagher and might give real momentum to the emissaries of evil.
******************************************************

Thank you, Ms Eirene. Bisexual people can be just as monogamous as anybody else. The questioner was basically asking how to get her partner into her kink against his inclination, and sugar-coated her selfishness with his potentially being capable of some attraction to her hypothetical third. It is almost like Mr Rhone being no more inclined to a threesome if Mr Alan were to be the third than if the proposed third were Ms Sissou or Ms Thinking.
Posted by vennominon on October 9, 2013 at 1:04 PM · Report this
mydriasis 57
1. Being called a bitch isn't a bad thing for all of us either.

2. To the google scholar comment - really? You know that "pre-come" isn't the medical term, right?
Posted by mydriasis on October 9, 2013 at 1:04 PM · Report this
58
For sweeter cum: eat parsley. (Lore that was mostly lost during the first decades of the epidemic)
Posted by muggs on October 9, 2013 at 1:09 PM · Report this
Corylea 59
Thanks for defending accurate spelling, Dan!

Posted by Corylea http://corylea.com/ on October 9, 2013 at 1:26 PM · Report this
60
Says Dan:

""Cum" is not a word."

Says Oxford:

Any word is a word if it gets used often enough. And if it gets enough press, we'll *make* it a word!

Just like santorum, right Dan?
Posted by gromm on October 9, 2013 at 1:26 PM · Report this
61
I am pretty sure there are foods you can eat to influence the taste of genital fluids.
It's definitely true for women (Cabernet franc, anyone?) so it's probably true for guys. Semen is mostly sodium bicarbonate anyway.
Posted by wxPDX on October 9, 2013 at 1:29 PM · Report this
62
@#18, the woman said her husband is bi, not straight
Posted by MrPlaneman on October 9, 2013 at 1:30 PM · Report this
AFinch 63
@50 - ketosis is not, in and of itself, a harmful metabolic state. I'd bet dollars to donuts humans evolved to spend a lot of time in ketosis (just pure fat conversion/metabolism). You can be not-starving (or not self-starving via eating disorder) and still be in ketosis.

keto-acidosis on the other hand, is bad news.

Meh, she doesn't swallow anyway because I wind up coming in other cavities and I'm just fine with that...maybe I'll try the parsley thing.
Posted by AFinch on October 9, 2013 at 1:48 PM · Report this
64
@51: What 53 said. And monogamy is not something over which to clutch your pearls like this has never happened in the history of earth. Monogamy is a perfectly normal point on the sexuality spectrum, occupied by lots of people.

Posted by IPJ on October 9, 2013 at 1:53 PM · Report this
65
@10 (and others who argue that usage is the main important factor in determining if a word is "correct"): that's pretty debatable.

Here's a great article on the topic, if you're into that kinda thing:
http://instruct.westvalley.edu/lafave/DF…
Or you can read the unabridged version of that same essay in the collection "Consider the Lobster."
Posted by a mild proscriptivist on October 9, 2013 at 1:54 PM · Report this
lolorhone 66
If you really care about grammar when there's an orgasm involved, you're not doing it right. Can't we let come/cum be equivalent to color/colour and be done with it?
Posted by lolorhone on October 9, 2013 at 2:00 PM · Report this
AFinch 67
On MSL: There's a good chance her hubby expressed extreme monogamy because he didn't want her to worry he'd "need" to see/sleep with other people (men) and because he is not keen on her going off (alone) with other men.
Posted by AFinch on October 9, 2013 at 2:02 PM · Report this
68
I am the wife in question. Thanks to your comments, I feel like a POS for even asking Dan. I love my husband a ridiculous amount, and not only do I want to have sexy fun with him, but his pleasure is even more important to me. I sometimes worry that I won't be enough for him. Thanks to @53 for putting it simply.

That being said: Am I still cool to imagine my guy with another guy when I'm getting myself off? Or does that still make me a POS using my husband for my own jollies?
Posted by POSwife on October 9, 2013 at 2:10 PM · Report this
69
68 is the LW of the bi-husband, for those of you who don't read unregistered comments.

I don't think you're a POS for whatever goes on in your imagination. I also think it is normal to worry that one isn't 'enough' for one's spouse (regardless of their sexuality). I think as long as you aren't manipulating your spouse, you're in the clear. And it doesn't sound like you are.
Posted by wxPDX on October 9, 2013 at 2:28 PM · Report this
70
@68: Fantasize about whatever the hell you want. Share the fantasy with your partner only if you know he finds it hot and not upsetting.

I think part of the lecturing is aimed at Dan for going straight to three-ways, which you didn't actually mention. 53 put is well and simply: bisexual ≠ nonmonogamous, just like someone who's attracted to more than one physical type (blonds AND brunettes) may not want to score some blond on the side, or in threeways, after marrying a brunette.

It might be the exclamation points in your initial question: You phrase his monogamy like it's a stumbling block to your sexy fun times. Drawing on past SL letters I'd advocate calming way down and calmly tossing out "Well, if you ever wanted to try X I'd be cool with it." Then back down: it's not like he's going to forget you mentioned it. Make sure X is a small step (to you, emotionally) and that you really mean it.
Posted by IPJ on October 9, 2013 at 2:51 PM · Report this
71
@11,@46,

So.. If you have to sit them down to explain how they must be wrong...

You couldn't be a control freak...?

Peace
Posted by Married in MA on October 9, 2013 at 3:05 PM · Report this
72
@68: I don't even think you are a POS for wanting what you want. I just think you need to be honest about your motivations. The vibe I got from your initial letter is that you wanted to figure out how to dislodge him from being extremely monogamous by making your wants be about who he is, which didn't seem very respectful. What you want is what you want. It has nothing to do with his orientation; it's just that his orientation maybe enables what you want. However, I don't blame you for seeing the possibilities.

You need to be prepared for him to want to continue to be extremely monogamous, at which point fall back to Plan B (fantasizing about him, rather than acting on it).
Posted by avast2006 on October 9, 2013 at 3:51 PM · Report this
73
Awww, I grew up in Halifax and first discovered Dan in the Coast. It was an education for university-age me, and reading Dan at young age has been a huge influence. Kept me from freaking out over finding my boyfriend's porn stash, and helped me be GGG when my now-husband revealed his kinks. I remember Dan agreeing to let the Coast run his column for free when one of their big advertisers dropped out after being offended by the column. I'm so glad the Coast is still around and still running Savage Love. Keep up the good work, Coast and Dan.
Posted by Wild Rose on October 9, 2013 at 4:11 PM · Report this
lolorhone 74
@55: I said as much @23.
@68: For clarity's sake, your husband just told you he's bisexual? Even if it's hot to you, isn't that the kind of major disclosure that's supposed to happen before you get hitched? Seems to be working out, I'm just wondering how that went down.
Posted by lolorhone on October 9, 2013 at 4:29 PM · Report this
75
@70 I think it's ok to share a fantasy that you know your partner doesn't find hot, but is willing to tolerate at times because you love it so much. I agree with you that if the fantasy upsets your partner, you should keep it to yourself.

@71, you found me out.
Posted by EricaP on October 9, 2013 at 4:34 PM · Report this
76
Until Dan stops ending the podcast with "Me and the TSARY will be back at you next week", I'm not taking his spelling advice.
Posted by EscondidoDave on October 9, 2013 at 5:03 PM · Report this
77
Wife back again. He came out to me after we were married not so much as an omission, but because it was something he hadn't quite realized about himself (or allowed himself to realize).
Posted by POSwife on October 9, 2013 at 5:29 PM · Report this
78
The best cum has a nutty, slightly bleachy bouquet (befitting the other synonym for it, "nut", used as a noun or a verb). Few people like it too bitter, though, and to avoid that, (it is said) avoid things like broccoli and asparagus. Some guys' are completely without any taste, though, and that's not good either. I don't know what it is they are doing wrong, or not doing right.
Posted by cockyballsup on October 9, 2013 at 5:31 PM · Report this
79
I should correct myself, otherwise I'm sure someone will correct me, that the verb "nut" is not quote a synonym for the verb "cum" as I claimed, since the former only applies to male ejaculation, while the latter can apply to female orgasm as well as male orgasm without ejaculation.
Posted by cockyballsup on October 9, 2013 at 5:35 PM · Report this
80
Actually, now I am not so sure. I know women sometimes ejaculate, but apart from that, do women "cum" or do they only "come"?
Posted by cockyballsup on October 9, 2013 at 5:37 PM · Report this
mydriasis 81
Seriously, we're back on the taste of come?

1. Shout out to the vegetarians! Best tasting come.

2. Smokers: yeah it's not just your mouth that can end up tasting like an ashtray...

3. Unless you have some sort of fetish about keeping it around in your mouth, you shouldn't really be tasting it that much, should you? I mean, it goes in your throat, and then it goes to it's home in your tummy. Mm-mm.
Posted by mydriasis on October 9, 2013 at 5:38 PM · Report this
82
Ven,

You definitely get my vote for dry wit award.
Posted by Hunter78 on October 9, 2013 at 5:43 PM · Report this
AFinch 83
@68 - Nooooo...definitely NOT POS for asking. The bandwagon that jumped on the "double standard" about things, and while technically correct, are over-reacting. There are a ton of guys who will pressure the hell out of their (really straight) GFs to bring someone else (another woman) into it for their own (the guys own) pleasure, so naturally everyone has a reflexive negative on that.

Still, I stick by what I said before: your husband might just be totally cool with threesomes and was just emphasizing monogamy because he wanted you not to worry. I forget which comment (and am too lazy to look it up), but as someone suggested, casually dropping it and then dropping it accomplishes what you want/need in a guilt-free way.

Further, for everyone who jumped Dan's case for this: his first suggestion was role-playing, not threesomes, which is another completely not POS thing for @68 to do.
Posted by AFinch on October 9, 2013 at 5:46 PM · Report this
Alanmt 84
I think what Dan is saying is that if you drink enough Guinness beforehand, the other person's cum will taste just fine.
Posted by Alanmt on October 9, 2013 at 6:10 PM · Report this
lolorhone 85
@77: Fair enough.
Posted by lolorhone on October 9, 2013 at 7:59 PM · Report this
86
@45 - re: whether the sexual orientation of the object of a celebrity crush matters to having that crush....
I would say, on the whole, no; personally I've had celebrity crushes on women I have no reason to believe aren't straight.
As for Mr. Bergoglio; I can't agree with Dan's taste, but hey, that's what human diversity is all about.
Posted by Corvicula1979 on October 9, 2013 at 8:05 PM · Report this
87
Mr Finch - Strap-ons = role play? Mild stretch, though you could reasonably say it's implied. Given Mr Savage's pushing of the instruments on relationships containing straight men with female partners, that part felt a bit like a near non-answer.

To Wife - Fortunately, it's a fairly easy fix. It's not a bad thing that you reacted to your husband's news with enthusiasm, but occasionally a Big Revelation meets with a more positive reception than that which the outcomer can handle. Your husband is still probably getting used to himself. Let him know where you'd be happy to go with him and then let him drive his own sexuality, as others have suggested.

The parallel that comes to mind is when a fairly inconspicuous and mostly closeted person comes out to someone, typically a parent, who immediately starts living, eating and breathing All Things PFLaG. There's lots of good in that, but it can make the outcomer feel pushed into wearing much more of a 24/7 label than (s)he finds comfortable, or being somebody else's idea of a _____.
Posted by vennominon on October 9, 2013 at 8:43 PM · Report this
88

To paraphrase Tim Minchin, spelling it "cum" is like thinking The Doors is poetry - cringingly teenaged.

Posted by Velvetbabe on October 10, 2013 at 2:50 AM · Report this
AFinch 89
Mr, Ven - they are at the very least "top/bottom" role reversal if not gender play. Not to be an apostate here, so let me re-affirm the dogma/mantra: the butthole is not the gayhole and getting pegged by a woman does not make you gay. I do really endorse this notion. I think the gender you are attracted to (aroused by) and fall in love with is the defining feature or orientation. Sounds like bi husband is attracted to both and his wonderful wife is enthusiastic about trying to do both for him.
Posted by AFinch on October 10, 2013 at 3:15 AM · Report this
90
@78 IME, the cum of men who've had a vasectomy is *much* milder tasting than the "fully leaded" stuff. YMMV.
Posted by Maryse42 on October 10, 2013 at 3:21 AM · Report this
91
i like this article very much.
Posted by MGret1979 on October 10, 2013 at 3:39 AM · Report this
92 Comment Pulled (Spam) Comment Policy
93
Mr Finch - For some reason, I thought you were the poster who "defended" Wife by saying she never mentioned threesomes - although what people are supposed to infer from a complaint about Husband's "extreme" monogamy in that case I've no idea. Role play is a reasonable inference, as is threesome.

I do think that, given her clarifications and willingness to present and take lumps, there is an above average chance that they can work things out well, although I cannot in good conscience call any woman wonderful who presents as a "lady". Women who proactively call themselves ladies might not be at the top of the LMB list, but they get dinged. (An example of reactively comes from Clue when Yvette declines to look at the photographs Miss Scarlet offers to show her; that I do not ding.) I'll grant that I have a high lack of tolerance for this for personal reasons and will not quarrel severely with those who don't find the style annoying, although there does seem a residual hint at wanting a favourable double standard, given that one can go from one month's end to the next without stumbling across a gentleman.
Posted by vennominon on October 10, 2013 at 4:29 AM · Report this
94
Is it inappropriate for me to flirt and attempt to have an affair with a married coworker?

Flirting is a free sport, though you have to be careful about activity that might be considered harassment.

If s/he flirts back, either he's not monogamous, or he's a tease.
Posted by Hunter78 on October 10, 2013 at 5:39 AM · Report this
95
I EXTREMELY DISAGREE WITH YOUR DEFINITION OF THE "gay normal" definition of monogamy: Have threesomes only with each other and one additional hot gay....
IT'S A BIT OFFENSIVE, SORRY TO SAY.
Posted by HEY_FLIPPER! on October 10, 2013 at 5:42 AM · Report this
Eudaemonic 96
@86: As for Mr. Bergoglio; I can't agree with Dan's taste, but hey, that's what human diversity is all about.

To be fair, I've got a bit of a crush on Bergoglio too, and I guess my own straightness hasn't interfered with it.
Posted by Eudaemonic on October 10, 2013 at 5:49 AM · Report this
AFinch 97
Mr. Ven - I was more 'defending' Dan's advice to her that she suggest redefining monogamy to her husband. Sure, there's a double-standard at work, but let's be honest adults here: by and large there are not lots of women emotionally traumatizing their male partners by pressuring them into same-sex interactions the women don't desire and which run counter to their own desires for emotional one-on-one connections. Sure, lots of men want sex to be an expression of their one-on-one love bond, but they also just like sex.

I guess I'm defending the double-standard; I'm ok with that...men and women are different in the aggregate, whatever individual cases might be exceptions.

re: lady v. woman - whatever! It's just an expression! My wife is slightly my junior and loves to tease me about "old fashioned" expressions like "gal(s)" - I sometimes call myself a gentleman too - and it's nothing more than arcana. LMB seems...an over the top response. It's been far too long since I've watched Clue, so sadly, the reference is lost to me.
Posted by AFinch on October 10, 2013 at 5:52 AM · Report this
98
Bi and monogamous is not a practical combination. Best you can do is monogamish.

I don't think the wife strapping on or role-playing can really scratch the same sex itch.

Posted by Hunter78 on October 10, 2013 at 6:03 AM · Report this
Alanmt 99
@98. Absolutely wrong. Bisexuality is about the scope of your attraction, not the satisfaction of a sexual appetite.
Posted by Alanmt on October 10, 2013 at 6:12 AM · Report this
lolorhone 100
@95: It was a joke, man. Have a drink.
@99: Alanmt FTW squared.
Posted by lolorhone on October 10, 2013 at 6:29 AM · Report this
101
Alan[99],

If a person is attracted to men, but can't exercise that option, it's a fucked situation.
Posted by Hunter78 on October 10, 2013 at 7:39 AM · Report this
nocutename 102
@101: Lots of people are attracted to people and can 't exercise that option. They are prisoners, they are too socially awkward, or too unattractive or have some other impediment. They have taken a vow of celibacy. They are in a monogamous relationship. One doesn't need to be bi to be attracted to people and not be able to exercise that option. It's not necessarily the end of the world or even a fucked situation. It's called "you can't always get every single thing you want." It happens to all of us. Bisexuals not excluded.
Posted by nocutename on October 10, 2013 at 7:55 AM · Report this
103
It is a fucked situation. He can give up his monogamy, even if only modestly. He can't give up his bi-orientation.

In this case it's clear the wife wants to break the monotony, er, monogamy. He could be a little more ggg.
Posted by Hunter78 on October 10, 2013 at 8:31 AM · Report this
Eudaemonic 104
@103: I'm attracted to blondes. I'm also attracted to brunettes. I'm monogamously married. Is my situation fucked too?
Posted by Eudaemonic on October 10, 2013 at 8:37 AM · Report this
105
Yeah, I'm not understanding how bisexuals have it worse than anyone else who is attracted to other people while in a monogamous relationship. I'm very attracted to my neighbor, but I'm not going to flirt with him (even though my marriage is open), because I don't shit where I eat. Does that mean my situation is fucked?

"Attracted to men" doesn't equal "unsatisfied with straight sex with my partner."
Posted by EricaP on October 10, 2013 at 9:39 AM · Report this
106
I will say that many people find it easier to bend the rules of monogamy in their own favor. (That is, they can cope with fucking someone else themselves; they just get jealous when faced with the idea of their partner fucking someone else.)

So she could propose a threesome where she only touches her husband's equipment, but where she gets to enjoy watching him play with the other guy.
Posted by EricaP on October 10, 2013 at 9:41 AM · Report this
107
@103 Hunter,

Since when did being GGG have anything to do with being non monogamous? Unless that is what the partners all want?

From the married and been flirted with peanut gallery: Please, please don't. Unless the married person is blatantly hitting on you, please don't. Don't confuse kindness, warmth and courtesy for a need to have sex/an affair.

Peace
Posted by Married in MA on October 10, 2013 at 9:41 AM · Report this
108
Re #11 (financial domination), I haven't done that, but my own approach would be to get out into the kinky scene where you live and meet people face-to-face. Build relationships -- a young female domme will be very popular.

Once you know likely candidates (people you can trust, who don't have hang-ups about sex work, and who have enough disposable income), explain that you like them a lot, and would love to treat them the way they need to be treated, and isn't it terrible how having to work a real job to pay your bills makes scheduling so hard. Sigh...

Don't take photos, don't allow them to take photos. That way you won't have an online persona to bite you in the butt once you want to move on from this life.
Posted by EricaP on October 10, 2013 at 9:51 AM · Report this
Eudaemonic 109
@106: So she could propose a threesome where she only touches her husband's equipment, but where she gets to enjoy watching him play with the other guy.

Yeah--or one where she only watches. It's a convenient way to ease into it in any circumstance, and seems particularly applicable when the proposing partner's interest is primarily in watching (which it sounds like might be the case).
Posted by Eudaemonic on October 10, 2013 at 10:56 AM · Report this
110
No, she can't. That would violate his monogamy, which is what she's complaining about.

And there's nothing in the text to indicate she only wants to watch.
Posted by Hunter78 on October 10, 2013 at 11:27 AM · Report this
Eudaemonic 111
@ 110:

No, she can't. That would violate his monogamy, which is what she's complaining about.

Proposing it wouldn't.
Posted by Eudaemonic on October 10, 2013 at 11:50 AM · Report this
112
Eu,

Ok, so you're equating your liking blondes and brunettes with bisexuality? How facile.
Posted by Hunter78 on October 10, 2013 at 12:04 PM · Report this
Eudaemonic 113
@112: In this context, what's the difference?
Posted by Eudaemonic on October 10, 2013 at 12:37 PM · Report this
114
@26 vennominon: You're most welcome. Actually, I think it was you who initially offered me the correct terminology of "masseur", rather than my erroneous use of "masseuse" from a previous blog session...?
Anyway, masseur it is.

As long as we're still on the subject of come, here's a dumb question: As a recovered ex-sugar junkie (my Type II diagnosis is reversed!! YAAAAY!!), would (my) come be sweeter after the safer consumption of sugar-free semi-sweet or dark chocolate (90% is best--also an antioxidant)? I'm on a high protein / veggie / low carb / no gluten or sugar diet.
I'm just wondering, and still having J.D. fantasies.
Posted by auntie grizelda on October 10, 2013 at 1:15 PM · Report this
115
@auntie grizelda, seems worth experimenting to find out!
Posted by EricaP on October 10, 2013 at 1:44 PM · Report this
116
@122, Hunter, I am confused. How is liking blondes and brunettes different from liking men and women? Does the latter guy have more of a risk of dissatisfaction with monogamy than the former? It could well be, but if you think that, what are you basing it on?
Posted by cockyballsup on October 10, 2013 at 2:22 PM · Report this
117
Cocky,

I was hoping some bis might speak up-- I don't qualify as expert. It just seems to me gender orientation is a more fundamental difference than what hair color she's last used.
Posted by Hunter78 on October 10, 2013 at 3:46 PM · Report this
118
I did find it a bit freaky that Dan didn't mention cum taste changing diets. They emerged as threads in this column several times.

My own cum tastes bleachy, I don't think that's going away.
Posted by Hunter78 on October 10, 2013 at 4:18 PM · Report this
119
Some bis feel unhappy if they can't have at least occasional sex with people of both genders, but many are fine with satisfying sex with a single loving partner, who could be of either gender. (There are infinite other variations, of course). Yes, gender is more fundamental than hair colour, but no, the fundamentality of the difference doesn't necessarily amp up the intensity of the *desire*. It can just be a matter of: "Oh, cute blonde girl... oh, nice arms on that dude, I wonder what he'd look like naked, anyway, this sudoku is tough..." the latter attraction doesn't have to be more ferocious just because there's a woman at home and not a man. The LW's husband probably just fantasises about men from time to time but he's happy with the real life sex he has, so he doesn't feel the need for it to go any further. (It's possible this could change, but it's not a given that it must.)
Posted by Green Lizard on October 10, 2013 at 4:55 PM · Report this
120
@93 in my one-liner index card I jotted to Dan, I mentioned that I was married. Not that I was straight or a lady. Infer what you like from that. It's been fun! Going to spend time with my lovely husband!
Posted by POSwife on October 10, 2013 at 5:07 PM · Report this
121
I grew up in Nova Scotia and The Coast is an excellent paper! It's where I discovered your column and it was the first thing I read each week and the only article I read if I was short on time. Just want to say: Thanks!

Natasha Fox http://sexyfunnypicoftheday.blogspot.com…
Posted by NatashaFox on October 10, 2013 at 6:30 PM · Report this
122
I grew up in Nova Scotia and The Coast is how I discovered your column! Must have been a good ten years ago. Great paper. I always read your column first and only your column if I was short on time. Anyway, just wanted to say thanks! Here's to another ten.

Natasha Fox http://sexyfunnypicoftheday.blogspot.com…
Posted by NatashaFox on October 10, 2013 at 6:39 PM · Report this
Alanmt 123
@117. I did speak up.
Posted by Alanmt on October 10, 2013 at 7:53 PM · Report this
venomlash 124
Excuse me, I liked Guinness the first time I had a glass of it. And I'm not even much of a beer person!
That said, I've never sucked cock, nor do I have any plans to, so I can't comment on the validity of the analogy.
Posted by venomlash on October 10, 2013 at 10:34 PM · Report this
125
@120 wife,

Have fun!

Peace
Posted by Married in MA on October 11, 2013 at 4:22 AM · Report this
126
Alan [99 and 123],

Sorry, I overlooked your response (as you didn't identify as bi).

Lacking other sources, I'll have to accept the party line that that a bi pledging monogamy to a woman is no different than a het guy pledging monogamy to a brunette. So, I was wrong. But this doesn't deal with the actual case, where a het wife is bored with the monogamy of her bi guy.

Still, I can't help but feel that a het monogamously with a bi will have some angst that the het can't satisfy some fundamental desires of the bi.
Posted by Hunter78 on October 11, 2013 at 4:48 AM · Report this
Eudaemonic 127
@126 Still, I can't help but feel that a het monogamously with a bi will have some angst that the het can't satisfy some fundamental desires of the bi.

I am, and I don't.
Posted by Eudaemonic on October 11, 2013 at 5:44 AM · Report this
128
@Hunter, "Still, I can't help but feel that a het monogamously with a bi will have some angst that the het can't satisfy some fundamental desires of the bi."

I think you are right. Of course there are superhumans, and then there are people having a personal stake in the issue who will deny this, the more vehemently sometimes the more desperate the need to convince themselves of it. But here down on earth I think a majority of the rest of us would feel that twinge of angst.
Posted by cockyballsup on October 11, 2013 at 9:15 AM · Report this
129
...and by the way, since when has it been the requirement that sexually well-adjusted people are not supposed to have, or admit to, ANY insecurities, pangs of jealousy or envy, EVER, on pain of endless lectures on self-esteem. When has it become the done thing to brag about being immune to these emotions? Are we now supposed to become a race of robots? Or is it all the SSRIs being handed out like candy?
Posted by cockyballsup on October 11, 2013 at 9:26 AM · Report this
rock bottom 130
Dan's right about not spelling words differently when there's a sexual connotation.

Oh... except for the word "cum." "Cum" is fine. In fact, it's great.
Posted by rock bottom on October 11, 2013 at 9:41 AM · Report this
Eudaemonic 131
@ 128: I think you are right. Of course there are superhumans, and then there are people having a personal stake in the issue who will deny this, the more vehemently sometimes the more desperate the need to convince themselves of it.

I'm not a superhuman. I am, however, a het person in an essentially monogamous relationship with a bi person. I also don't experience the angst you seem bizarrely certain that everyone in my position must experience, nor do I have a personal stake in the issue.

What I do have, instead, is an honest relationship with my wife, and a high degree of trust in it. Based on extensive experience, I trust that if Mrs. Eu has an itch that isn't getting scratched, she'll say so and we'll do something about it. That's not being superhuman, that's being honest and marrying someone you can trust to do the same.

I have plenty of insecurities, for the record, just not that one.
Posted by Eudaemonic on October 11, 2013 at 10:35 AM · Report this
132
For the LW, most posters seemed to support avast's advice @72:
I just think you need to be honest about your motivations...You need to be prepared for him to want to continue to be extremely monogamous, at which point fall back to Plan B (fantasizing about him, rather than acting on it).

In case her husband is the kind of bi Hunter worries about, she can offer to open the marriage just for that, either as an MMF threesome, or with him coming home from MM play and sharing some of the excitement with her vicariously. If he still says no to any of that, then he's not that kind of bi.
Posted by EricaP on October 11, 2013 at 12:02 PM · Report this
133
@Eu, I somehow suspect that hetero men having bisexual female partners are a special case in the context of "angst that the het can't satisfy some fundamental desires of the bi", since here the emphasis is most often more about the bi woman satisfying some fundamental desire or fantasy of the het man (by bringing the prospect of another woman into the bedroom).

So I am not surprised that the idea doesn't bother you, or the average man, who tends to fantasize about such scenarios for some innate reason. But I would be surprised if the idea didn't bother the average woman (or man) with a bi partner, who don't tend to fantasize bout this kind of thing overall.
Posted by cockyballsup on October 11, 2013 at 12:44 PM · Report this
Eudaemonic 134
@133: What's the relevance--in either case, how is it not identical to being married to someone who is attracted both to blondes and to brunettes?

Bisexuality means the number of people you might want to fuck is twice as large; it seems to have no bearing on the number of people you feel you must fuck.

My lack of (this particular) insecurity has absolutely nothing to do with what I do or don't fantasize about. Fantasies have no inherent insecurity-destroying power; fantasizing about something doesn't mean I actually want my wife to do it, just as people who have rape fantasies are not also incapable of fearing rape.

What does have insecurity-destroying power is communication and trust. Neither of those things requires that you be a hetero man with a bixesual female partner.
Posted by Eudaemonic on October 11, 2013 at 1:28 PM · Report this
135
Attention, Attention, with regards to the LW with the newly Bi husband:

Read @120!!!

Not much changed, since still monogamous Bi husband, but still....

Peace
Posted by Married in MA on October 11, 2013 at 1:49 PM · Report this
seandr 136
@Eudaemonic: What I do have, instead, is an honest relationship with my wife, and a high degree of trust in it ... What does have insecurity-destroying power is communication and trust... if Mrs. Eu has an itch that isn't getting scratched, she'll say so and we'll do something about it.

This seems a bit circular. If Mrs Eu starts developing serious crushes on ladies, tells you about them, and says she wants to pursue them, would you feel insecure at that point? If you're the monogamous sort, don't you now have good reason to be insecure?

I don't think relationships survive based on trust and communication alone. There are also pesky things such as sexual chemistry, compatibility, and circumstance that come into play, all of which can change over time.
Posted by seandr on October 11, 2013 at 3:11 PM · Report this
seandr 137
@Eudaemonic:
P.S. To be clear, I'm talking about relationships in general, not questioning yours specifically.
Posted by seandr on October 11, 2013 at 3:17 PM · Report this
138
@136 seandr,

"I don't think relationships survive based on trust and communication alone. There are also pesky things such as sexual chemistry, compatibility, and circumstance that come into play, all of which can change over time."

...and that is just the beginning of many aspects of life in a relationship. For those reasons, how much could go wrong, I am learning to be more and more thankful for what goes right.

Peace
Posted by Married in MA on October 11, 2013 at 3:25 PM · Report this
139
Oh, naughty Mr Savage. This merits some time in the Penalty Box.
Posted by vennominon on October 11, 2013 at 4:12 PM · Report this
140
The drinking age in Canada is 19. The province of Alberta is the exception (a province is like a state).
Posted by Splinnhumm on October 11, 2013 at 6:15 PM · Report this
141
POSwife (Married straight lady),

Dan's promotion of you to lady is a literary leap, and set off Ven's alarm.

Straight or not, you're bored with him (even though you think he's nearly perfect in every way), you'd like to open things a bit. But his big monogamy thing shuts that down. Which way is progress?
Posted by Hunter78 on October 11, 2013 at 6:27 PM · Report this
Eudaemonic 142
@136: If Mrs Eu starts developing serious crushes on ladies, tells you about them, and says she wants to pursue them, would you feel insecure at that point? If you're the monogamous sort, don't you now have good reason to be insecure?

The "if" part is important. If Mrs. Eu started developing serious crushes on ladies, in ways that were threatening to our marriage, then I would start feeling insecure.

Unless and until that happens, I do not. See the distinction? The insecurity Hunter refers to seems to be only possible if you don't trust your partner to tell you if they want something you're not providing.

If that happened, then I'd have good reason to be insecure. Until then, I do not; the mere fact of her bisexuality isn't enough. And even then, it wouldn't be the fact of bisexuality that made me insecure; exactly the same would happen if she started developing crushes on other guys.

The insecurity to which Hunter78 refers seems to rely on not knowing whether you're enough or not, which can only happen if you don't believe your partner would tell you if you weren't enough.
Posted by Eudaemonic on October 11, 2013 at 8:01 PM · Report this
143
Hi Dan, love your column. Hi folks. This is totally off topic, but I'm worried about a child's safety. The "Christian" Broadcasting Network ran a half-baked story this morning about a transgendered child using the girl's room at his high school: http://www.cbn.com/cbnnews/us/2013/Octob… It was fed to CBN by the "Pacific Justice Institute," which exists solely to incite homophobia. CBN has run a number of their hair-brained "news items," and now this one has been picked up by every hateracious "Christian" site on the Internet. There are people on the CBN comment board badmouthing the poor kid all over the place, and even making threats in the form of "If he ever touched my daughter," blah blah blah. I've called the school, the school board, and the Colorado Board of Education to let them know this is going on...what else do we do? What else do we do? These creeps have really crossed a line here, going after a kid and doing everything but publishing her name! Thanks for listening...I was just sitting here fuming about it, and then it dawned on me...contact Dan!
Posted by Fed up with these goons! on October 11, 2013 at 8:44 PM · Report this
144
And PS...I'm so sorry; of course I meant HER high school! And the full URL is as follows:
http://www.cbn.com/cbnnews/us/2013/Octob…
Posted by Fed up with these goons! on October 11, 2013 at 8:51 PM · Report this
seandr 145
@Eudaemonic: Got it - bisexuality in and of itself doesn't pose a threat to monogamy, and a monogamous person shouldn't feel insecure when a trusted and open bisexual partner tells them they have nothing to worry about. Thanks for clarifying.

I stand by my earlier point - takes more than trust and communication to make a relationship go - but that was tangential to the point you were making.
Posted by seandr on October 11, 2013 at 10:47 PM · Report this
Still Thinking 146
Liking both, or even wanting both, doesn't necessarily mean that you need both.
Posted by Still Thinking on October 12, 2013 at 1:39 AM · Report this
Still Thinking 147
Mr. Ven @ 93 - a true gentleman would not allow you to stumble!
Posted by Still Thinking on October 12, 2013 at 1:43 AM · Report this
148
@115 EricaP: Okay. I'm turning on my Thelma and Louise DVD this weekend and getting out some munchies!!
Yep..yep..that's him goin'....I looooooooove watchin' him go.......
Hmmmmmm.....maybe it's also a good weekend for hair coloring......?
He IS a particularly delicious little fantasy!
Posted by auntie grizelda on October 12, 2013 at 1:52 AM · Report this
149
@148 Grizelda,

Welllll?

I don't know about chocolate, but coffee carries through (in female exudate). ;-)

Peace
Posted by Married in MA on October 12, 2013 at 7:39 AM · Report this
Helenka (also a Canuck) 150
It's not just what one ingests that affects the taste and smell. Imagine my shock to experience that certain hair colour brands and depilatories also worked their way through to secretions.

OTOH, apparently pineapple seems to be a Very. Good. Thing.
Posted by Helenka (also a Canuck) on October 12, 2013 at 9:55 AM · Report this
151
The most interesting question this week was from Married straight lady, aka POSwife. Sub-threads emerged: Can pegging and role-play completely satisfy a monogamous bi? Is monogamy and bi-sexuality a bad fit?

But I will offer an alternate explanation (I'm only offering, not necessarily buying this). Husband is not a monogamous bi at all; he's a closeted gay, and monogamy is his closet. We don't know how she found out his biness-- did he offer this up when she discovered something from his past, or when responding to her complaints of his low octane desire? He's came out as bi only now, not when they were dating or getting married. If H is afraid of being labeled gay, his "monogamy" is proof against discovery. In the bad old days, and still to some extent today, gays have married women, had children, and lived "normal" lives to avoid the label.
Posted by Hunter78 on October 13, 2013 at 6:49 AM · Report this
152
#2's BF has broken up with her 10 times. If she takes him back, it'll be for the 10th time. Dan says don't take him back a 12th time. Okay, this is it buddy... you have TWO last chances!
Posted by fubar on October 13, 2013 at 8:12 AM · Report this
153
Oh, for goodness sakes, Dan. Surely you know diet affects semen flavor. How to make cum taste better? Eat plenty of fresh fruit. Pineapple works especially well. Things to avoid: smoking, asparagus.
Posted by Fairy Godfather on October 13, 2013 at 4:16 PM · Report this
Eudaemonic 154
@ 145: I stand by my earlier point - takes more than trust and communication to make a relationship go - but that was tangential to the point you were making.

Yeah. Trust and communication also characterizes my relationship with, say, my dentist, and I don't think he and I are going to get married any time soon.
Posted by Eudaemonic on October 14, 2013 at 6:00 AM · Report this
AFinch 155
@139 - I'm sure you'd just love to put Dan in a penalty box...and inflict whatever penalties came into your head ;-)

Cheers!
Posted by AFinch on October 14, 2013 at 9:13 AM · Report this
156
@149 Married in MA: Sorry---my weekend turned extra busy, and I did not carry out my "taste test" experiment--yet. *sigh*.
I do drink morning coffee--black with nothing in it. Is that supposed to leave a bad taste? I guess I'll find out.

But I DID get around to coloring my hair (natural dark auburn), and have stocked up on munchies! Another DVD viewing of Thelma & Louise will indeed be savored tonight!
Geena had a great hairdresser in that flick!
Posted by auntie grizelda on October 14, 2013 at 8:04 PM · Report this
157
By the way, and although once again I'm swerving off topic again, I just had to add that I LOVE the poster Griz, the Rebel Tour at the Showbox on Friday, October 18th. LOL It's a funny coincidence of sharing the same abbreviated name on Blog.
i guess I can be somewhat rebellious when I wanna be.

@149: More later.
Posted by auntie grizelda on October 14, 2013 at 8:16 PM · Report this

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