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Moist Toilette

March 5, 2014

Straight female with a question. I've never really told anyone about this because it's so weird and gross. It involves my bowel movements, so it's not very sexy. (No offense to scat lovers.) After I have a normal bowel movement, I pull up my jeans. When I do that, the crotch seam presses on my clit as I begin to close the zipper, and I get what I can only describe as an intense mini-orgasm. This is directly related to the recent BM because it happens only after one. I find myself just standing there in the bathroom, holding my pants up with my hands frozen on the zipper, eyes half closed, while my clit just hammers out an unsolicited series of intense orgasmic spasms. It's not a full-on climax, rather a dozen or so fluttering contractions of pleasure in my clit/pussy area. I find myself enjoying these post-poop-gasms, although it's something I've kept to myself for obvious reasons. I am not complaining. I am merely curious to know if you've ever heard of this and if you know why and how it happens. Do other people have similar experiences?

Possibly Odd Or Perhaps Curious Orgasm Mostly Enjoyed Regularly

I shared your letter with Dr. Debby Herbenick, a research scientist at Indiana University, a sexual health educator at the Kinsey Institute, and the author of Great in Bed and numerous books about sexuality.

Dr. Herbenick's short answer: "Genitals are magical, mysterious places of wonder."

And her much more satisfying long answer: "There are other documented cases of people having orgasms while pooping. Most are on internet message boards, but some have made it into the medical and scientific literature. 'Defecation-induced orgasms' seem to be more common than orgasms from peeing, but both kinds happen."

Yes, yes: But why and how do defecation-induced orgasms happen?

"It's not entirely clear, but here are some possibilities," said Dr. Herbenick. "The pelvic nerve—which is one orgasmic pathway—links up to not only the vagina and cervix, but also the rectum and bladder. Another possibility is something called nerve 'crosstalk.' In essence, the genital and excretory parts are smooshed closely together, and some nerves (like the pelvic nerve) service more than one part. Thus, feelings and messages carried in the nerves can get a little muddled. For example, some people can have vaginal pain from bladder problems. Similarly, people describe genital orgasms from stimulation of nearby parts, and nerve crosstalk is thought to be part of that." (Want to shut up an "intelligent design" creationist? Ask them to defend the ill-advised, none-too-intelligent smooshing together of our excretory and reproductive systems—after making them google "obstetric fistula.")

"POOPCOMER doesn't have to like the fact that she orgasms from pooping," said Dr. Herbenick, "but it's better than the opposite scenario: unintentionally pooping during orgasm. That also happens."

Follow Dr. Herbenick on Twitter @Debby Herbenick.

You always take questions from BDSMers and cuckolds and hardcore sexers, but will you take mine? Won't you please offer some advice to me, a simple heterosexual girl having problems with her heterosexual male?!? My boyfriend locks the door behind him when he pees. It hurts my feelings! Being a part of his pissing experience would turn me on! He claims he is pee shy. But he pees in public restrooms in front of other men! Why can't he pee in front of me?!? I would be grateful for your advice on how to get him to relax with his peeing moments a little more because I'm BORED. Thanks!

Personally Insulted Since Sexy Entrance Denied

You're just a simple heterosexual girl who wants to be part of her boyfriend's "pissing experience" because that would turn you on—nothing kinky or hardcore about that, no sir. You're just after some old-fashioned, all-American, plain-vanilla voyeuristic piss play.

I'm not sure there's anything I could say here that would persuade your boyfriend to include you in his pissing experience. If knowing that it would make his piss-freak girlfriend insanely horny doesn't motivate a guy to unlock the door and let her watch, PISSED, he's unlikely to be convinced by some gay dude with an advice column. (But just in case: Hey, PISSED's BF! Open the damn door!) So if watching your boyfriend piss is really that important to you, PISSED, you'll have to get a new boyfriend or start following the one you've got into public restrooms.

Longtime reader, first-time letter writer. My 13-year-old stepson leaves his spooch on the goddamn toilet seat. How do I tell him to clean up after himself? I don't know how he gets it on the toilet seat! Logistically, it baffles me!

Step-Parent Ain't Not Kleaning Spooch

That word you keep using—spooch—I don't think it means what you think it means. Spooch is not slang for ejaculate, SPANKS, but it could be the world's worst name for a dog. The word you want is spooge. And I don't think your sign-off means what you think it means, either. Putting a "not" after that ungrammatical "ain't" means you're anxious to clean your stepson's spooge off that goddamn toilet seat.

On to your questions...

Logistics: Your stepson stands and faces the toilet seat as he would when he pees and has himself a wank. He thinks he's destroying the evidence when he flushes, SPANKS, but he's obviously missing the drops that land on the seat. Replacing your white toilet seat with a black one might help your stepson notice that flushing isn't enough.

Telling him to clean up after himself: Your stepson's father should have a talk with him. "You're making a mess of the toilet seat," his dad should say. "Put the seat up and wipe it off when you're through." If your stepson protests that he's careful when he pees, his dad should tell him that he's not talking about piss. That poor kid will be so mortified that he'll blow loads out the window before he masturbates in the bathroom again.

I need your help. I'm a 26-year-old straight girl and I've been dating this great guy for a few months. Our sex life is really satisfying/fun/adventurous, due in no small part to the fact that he has a lot of kinks. He has a thing for scat, though, and that has thrown me for a loop. He doesn't expect me to engage in poop play, but I know he watches this kind of porn sometimes and it freaks me out. Would you break up with someone due to one extremely squicky kink?

So Not Into Poop

I would and I have.

IMPORTANT NOTE: A lowly, officious, and quite pleased with herself copy editor has gleefully informed me that Urban Dictionary defines "spooch" as "semen" or "a man's climax." While I have the utmost respect for the modern-day Samuel Johnsons at Urban Dictionary, I refuse to acknowledge "spooch" as a synonym for semen or the male climax. recommended

On the Lovecast, Dan speaks with the Perverted Negress about meeting polite kinksters online:

@fakedansavage on Twitter


Comments (96) RSS

Oldest First Unregistered On Registered On Add a comment
So is the first writer a mini-spoohcher?
Posted by beccoid on March 4, 2014 at 7:53 PM · Report this
As long as he doesn't expect you to engage in the scat play, I don't see the problem.

On the other hand, if you just can't handle it, you don't need anyone's permission to break up with the dude.
Posted by clashfan on March 4, 2014 at 8:04 PM · Report this
I think LW2 deserves a Sartre Award in conjunction with a couple of regular posters.
Posted by vennominon on March 4, 2014 at 8:20 PM · Report this
Not relevant to PISSED or POOPCOMER, but a major step to salvaging our marriage, not to say our sex life, was when we stopped peeing in front of each other. I think the reminders that the nether regions double as piss and poop chutes took away some the magic.

Obviously not a concern for some of this week's LWs!
Posted by Steeeeverino on March 4, 2014 at 8:31 PM · Report this
In my completely unscientific observations of straight men and their hygiene practices, basic handwashing the very very least of them, I can say completely unqualified that there is no fucking way in hell I would date one who was into scat.
Posted by happyhedonist on March 4, 2014 at 8:32 PM · Report this
Fred Casely 6
A pronouncement from the desk of Ann Landers on what position to leave the toilet seat in? Now there's a first.
Posted by Fred Casely on March 4, 2014 at 8:34 PM · Report this
Fred Casely 7
While we're on the subject of toilets and completely unscientific observations of hygiene practices: For several years I had a hotel job which required me to go around in the middle of the night and check every vacant room that hadn't been cleaned. After amassing a very large dataset, I can tell you with great confidence that one in five hotel guests checks out leaving an unflushed toilet.
Posted by Fred Casely on March 4, 2014 at 8:48 PM · Report this
persimmon 8
@4 my husband and I will happily share a shower, but the toilet business has always been closed door. We don't understand couples that walk in on each other like it's no big deal. Some bodily functions should remain mysterious.
Posted by persimmon on March 4, 2014 at 9:31 PM · Report this
add me to the group of long marrieds who preferred a closed door for peeing and pooping (though I will, on occasion, pee if my wife is at the mirror as our backs will be to each other). I am very embarrassed when I walk in on her and I am really mad when she walks in on me. We've been married for 22+ years and together for over 28. I know she pees and shits but I don't need to see it.
Posted by From the South (as in CA) on March 4, 2014 at 10:15 PM · Report this
He's a 13 year old boy. He won't care. They are gross. Mortification is not something they seem to readily feel. Unless you choose to bring the subject up in front of some girls. What I would do is teach him to clean the toilet - make sure you watch him do it. That'll be his chore from now on out. He'll need monitoring because, again, 13 year old boy = gross gross gross. I wouldn't touch anything in his room either, same reason.
Posted by gnot on March 4, 2014 at 10:49 PM · Report this
Sea Otter 11
If God existed, he wouldn't have put a recreation centre next to a waste treatment plant. Or something like that.
Posted by Sea Otter on March 4, 2014 at 10:53 PM · Report this
Sea Otter 12
By the way, "ain't" is perfectly grammatical. It's just not "standard" English. I think a linguist would probably tell you that a double negative is grammatical in some dialects of English too.
Posted by Sea Otter on March 4, 2014 at 10:59 PM · Report this
Sea Otter 13
(Although if we're being picky, it should be "ain't cleaning no spooge.")
Posted by Sea Otter on March 4, 2014 at 11:03 PM · Report this
For the pee-shy boyfriend, his GF's intensity itself is the reason he locks the door. He wants to keep the bitch out since it matters to her, and it interests her, and the intensity of pee-shyness is directly proportional to the level of interest of the observer.

In other words, random dudes in a Men's Room don't typically give a flying fig about his pee, so that is a far less intimidating environment to a pee-shy dude than a girlfriend who is intently interested in his pee. So of course he's locking the bathroom to keep her out.

Also, if she's so damned BORED that it merits all caps, maybe their urine incompatibility is a symptom of a deeper disconnect, and its a DTMFA situation.
Posted by Functional Atheist on March 4, 2014 at 11:05 PM · Report this
I'll pee in front of my husband but I prefer not to have an audience while I'm taking a shit. Push comes to shove (one of us running late, only one bathroom in the house) I'll get over it though. We're very, very close - that helps.
Posted by hurrdahurr on March 4, 2014 at 11:07 PM · Report this
LW3-I hate to break it to you but 13 year old boys are foul little creatures that will leave DNA anywhere their deviant little minds can think of. Having raised 3 of them myself, the best way to handle this problem is to not make a huge deal but get a giant container of clorox wipes and make a new rule that after every use, either standing or sitting, the toliet seat must be wiped clean. Also make sure you remind them to not flush the wipes or the plumbing bill comes out of their money. Just be glad that you are not the one having the zero population growth talks, oral is moral talks, and doing banana condom puppet shows. Ah, memories of a single mom.
Posted by bxtorr19 on March 5, 2014 at 12:01 AM · Report this
I think I need another splash of cold water on my face.
Back again later.
Posted by auntie grizelda on March 5, 2014 at 1:18 AM · Report this
saxfanatic 18
This week's column is my new all-time favorite. Anything that can make me laugh out loud is good.
Posted by saxfanatic on March 5, 2014 at 4:05 AM · Report this
Pissed deserved a smack down. She's pestered her bf about her kink to the point that he has to lock the door to use the bathroom because he (with good reason apparently!) can't trust her to respect his 'no piss play/observation' boundaries. Wtf lady if you're so bored and hurt (?!?) do the guy a favor and find someone else to stalk into the men's room.
Posted by jujubee80 on March 5, 2014 at 4:20 AM · Report this
To all straight men out there: Please do not start leaving the bathroom door open while you pee on the off chance your girlfriend is PISSED. Most of us do not want to see it. If we do, we'll ask.
Posted by BiDanFan on March 5, 2014 at 5:38 AM · Report this

I assume this is a relatively young relationship, and you're still delighting in the mechanics of other sex peeing and in the crashing of privacy boundaries. Hopefully he will soon relent and be more nonchalant with his urination. After the newness of intimacy wears off, you will probably lose this interest.
Posted by Hunter78 on March 5, 2014 at 6:58 AM · Report this
@15: I am sure you two are very close. As are most couples. Being able to piss or crap in front of each other is not necessarily a measure of closeness. It is not a measure of anything but comfort doing something in front of another person that others are not comfortable doing. If I were incapacitated and I needed someone to wipe my ass, my wife would do it (as I would hers) - that might very well be a measure of closeness/intimacy. But absent a need, I want my privacy and she hers. We are wired differently than you are but are no less close, I am sure.
Posted by From the South (as in CA) on March 5, 2014 at 7:41 AM · Report this
I once had a GF and her big fantasy was to hold a guy's dick while he peed. Her previous BF had made fun of her when she told him her fantasy.

An easy fantasy to indulge and it really turned her on. Why give someone a hard time about a simple kink.
Posted by Der Doug on March 5, 2014 at 7:49 AM · Report this
Tim Horton 24
I see no indication that PISSED has told her boyfriend the reason she wants to see him pee. Men are conditioned (or should be) to mind their bathroom behaviour lest they kill their ladyfriend's boner (see e.g. @20).

PISSED needs to confess her kink. Any rational man would be thrilled to know that his piss has the same intended effect as a gym membership or flowers.....
Posted by Tim Horton on March 5, 2014 at 8:45 AM · Report this
Not sure what was more interesting/funny this week... the column, or the comments. :-)
Posted by wwolf502 on March 5, 2014 at 9:41 AM · Report this
Any fetish is a fetish too far, if it's too far for you.

My wife, for instance, has a thing about feet. No, not that thing-- she hates them. Feet scare her. If I try to play footsie under the table, she squeeks and yanks her feet away. Fortunately, I am not a foot fetishist. I think her anti-fetish is kind of cute and funny. But for her, harmless old foot-fetishism would definitely be a Fetish Too Far.

Tastes differ. If the scat fetish is something you can't live with, you're not sexually compatible with this guy, and that's OK. Give him the "just be friends" speech already.
Posted by thatbigirl on March 5, 2014 at 9:49 AM · Report this
"...If your stepson protests that he's careful when he pees, his dad should tell him that he's not talking about piss. That poor kid will be so mortified that he'll blow loads out the window before he masturbates in the bathroom again."

Unless he's getting off on being caught. That's a possibility, right?

The only way to find out is to approach this initially as an issue of cleanliness. Dad should talk to son about cleaning up after himself because it's the right thing to do. If the kid doesn't listen to Dad after the first talk, then whoever discovers the spooge should call kid in to the bathroom, hand him a sponge doused with the bathroom cleaner of one's choice and have him clean it up. No reference should be made as to what's being cleaned up, just a reminder that if one leaves behind stains on bathroom fixtures, then one is responsible for cleaning up those stains.

If it continues to happen after this, then LW should get back in touch with Dan because then it will be clear this is a sexual arousal issue, not one of a typically sloppy teenaged boy.
Posted by temgirl813 on March 5, 2014 at 10:42 AM · Report this
@2 - Well...he isn't asking now. But, it is fairly likely that he will want to realize it in real life eventually. Better to figure out what that means earlier than later.
Posted by brent.b on March 5, 2014 at 11:11 AM · Report this
From the tone of the letter, it sounds like what turns PISSED on might not be the urination so much as it is the involvement in EVERY aspect of her boyfriend's life (i.e. "hurts my feelings" to have the door shut on her). I'd guess she's also the same type of person who doesn't want her boyfriend to ever go out with his guy friends without her, wants to have access to his email account (because he's got nothing to hide, right?), etc. But she's just a poor normal girl who doesn't do anything wrong...

Also, the fact that he uses public restrooms has nothing to do with him WANTING to do it in front of other people. Dude just has to pee, and when the urge is strong enough he's willing to do it in a public restroom even though he'd probably rather be by himself. The other men are presumably also there to do their business and aren't overtly telling him they want to watch him piss while staring at his cock (if that's their thing, they have likely learned to be subtle). I imagine he does his thing as discreetly as he can then leaves, and that he's not just hanging out in public restrooms inviting the other guys to watch him pee so he can hurt his poor girlfriend's feelings by denying her and giving it away to all those random men like some shameless piss slut.
Posted by hamfigher on March 5, 2014 at 11:17 AM · Report this
@13 - I'm pretty sure, gramatically, "ain't cleaning no spooge" isn't technically a double negative. I think the "no" in that situation simply means "any."
Posted by brent.b on March 5, 2014 at 11:26 AM · Report this
Great column, questionable choice on my part to read it while eating lunch.
Posted by olechka on March 5, 2014 at 12:45 PM · Report this
ScrawnyKayaker 32
PISSED should try handing her boyfriend a liter of Gatorade and two beers, then 30 minutes later offering him a coupon redeemable for her best blowjob ever if he lets her open the bathroom door after he starts peeing.

If he refuses, he's secretly gay or hopelessly damaged, and should be returned to the lot.
Posted by ScrawnyKayaker on March 5, 2014 at 12:47 PM · Report this
@ 30 - If you use "no" instead of "any", that's called a double negative, and it's considered incorrect in standard English.

It is common in related languages, though, like African American Vernacular English - which, in spite of the last part of its name, is actually a creole and not a dialect of English (its tolerance for double negatives and the lack of the singular third person marker -s, among other features, come from its African roots).
Posted by Ricardo on March 5, 2014 at 1:12 PM · Report this
@ 30, following from 33, I shouldn't actually have said "tolerance", as it is the normal way to construct a negative in AAVE.
Posted by Ricardo on March 5, 2014 at 1:21 PM · Report this
Since no one else has said it...

"I refuse to acknowledge "spooch" as a synonym for semen or the male climax."

What's the matter, Dan, is spooch a bit hard to swallow?
Posted by Leslie on March 5, 2014 at 1:53 PM · Report this
I have always gotten rock hard erections when I take a dump. When the dump in question is particularly large, I drip pre-cum like a cheap faucet. This has always been embarrassing because it takes some time for my poop wood to go down and walking out of the restroom with a big lump in my trousers is not much fun. Now I have an explanation for the why of it. I always knew it wasn't some latent scat fetish because ICK.
Posted by Poopwood on March 5, 2014 at 2:28 PM · Report this
AmyC 37
High five for the Princess Bride reference in the beginning of Dan's response to SPANKS.

Also, for all the word/grammar geeks out there, NPR aired a documentary a month or two back revolving around ax vs. ask. I think they might have dipped into ain't a little bit. It was really interesting.
Posted by AmyC on March 5, 2014 at 2:41 PM · Report this
@6, Actually, I'm pretty sure the most delightful Ann Landers did have an answer about toilet seats. I recall that she was in favor of the being top closed altogether. Also, TP should be hung so as the rol dispenses from the top. Ann Landers
Posted by phuni44 on March 5, 2014 at 2:47 PM · Report this
@32, or just incompatible with her kink.

Standard advice for piss-fetishists dating shy pissers: baby steps. Discuss your fetish when both people are calm & clothed. Ask if it's okay if you try to condition him to be able to handle it. If so, have him close the door but with the awareness that you're outside. Next time say a few words to him with the door closed. Later, see if he will leave the door open a crack, then an inch, etc. Back up a step if he gets anxious about it.

Oh, and don't forget to inquire, during the calm & clothed conversation, whether he has some sexual activities he'd like to try, or preferences he'd like to engage in more often.

Posted by EricaP on March 5, 2014 at 3:32 PM · Report this
@ 39 - Spot on but just want to tack one little thing on to the end: And then follow through!

@ Mr. Ven - I owed you a a response and I finally had the time to sit down and write it. My apologies for my glacial speed.
Posted by MiscKitty on March 5, 2014 at 3:53 PM · Report this
I'm with Dan. Spooch= no bueno. Sponge sounds much better.
Posted by bodhirungus on March 5, 2014 at 8:38 PM · Report this
LW1 I hope you get a lot of Taco Bell gift certificates for your next birthday.

To the Pee Girl The reason most guys don't want you to watch is we piss on everything and don't want you to know it.
Posted by turdburglr on March 5, 2014 at 9:42 PM · Report this
I don't see any evidence in the second letter that the writer wants to engage in "piss play." I read it as clearly indicating that the thing that would turn her on was the intimacy of watching her boyfriend pee - which, I suppose, is one possible means of measuring the comfort and commitment level of a relationship; when he locks the door, she feels left out and like he's keeping her at a distance. But nothing in her letter says to me that she is a "piss-fetishist" in any way. Not that there would be anything wrong with it if she were...
Posted by spikele on March 5, 2014 at 10:00 PM · Report this
@23: I think that is out of the movie, Personal Best. My wife and I first dated in high school and I think she did that to me. At least I think that was her. Some woman did. But shit that was a long time ago.
Posted by From the South (as in CA) on March 5, 2014 at 10:28 PM · Report this
@12 Even if you acknowledge that there's nothing wrong with the word "ain't" he's still using it ungrammatically. It's short for "am not" and, therefore, should only be used for the first person.

As for the double negative, the rule against it comes from the 18th century, when codifiers were trying to make language more like math. Chaucer, Shakespeare, all those fellows, used double negatives. Of course, their spelling was also all over the place, so that's a win for codification.

Anyway, since language existed before language rules did: if the listener derives the meaning the speaker intended to impart, you can't exactly say the speaker did it wrong, can you?

But does that standard apply to Mr. Step-Parent Am Not Not Kleaning Spooch? I think not.
Posted by antes on March 5, 2014 at 11:09 PM · Report this
seandr 46
Guys - if your woman gets turned on by watching you piss, let her watch you piss. It's not like she's asking to smell your farts or stare at you while you pinch a loaf. You don't even have to assume that unsightly squatting position that chicks do - you can do it standing up, while smoking a cigarette, or holding a microphone, or even conducting an orchestra. If you could have piss sword fights with your friends when you were 10 years old, you can accommodate this modest kink as an adult.

LW - trade your demure little princess of a boyfriend in for a man with a fire hose.
Posted by seandr on March 5, 2014 at 11:33 PM · Report this
I'm grateful not to be a step-parent with SPANKS's problem.

I'm sorry I don't have a lot to comment about in this week's Savage Love column, except for SPANKS. A tremendous lot in my life is going on at the moment, and I'n STILL waiting on a pesky form in the mail before I can finally file my !@#$ing 2013 taxes! So Griz is feeling a little March stress.

Ooooooooookay. Holy fucking shit!....I want this to turn out okay SO badly!! Just grant me NORMAL periods after 37 fucking years of tormented monthly hell!! *sigh* Just two more weeks until outpatient surgery....deep breath....pretty little newly acquired Thelma Dickinson tummy already in....let it turn out okay....please.
it's already a comfort that my parents and a dear old friend will be there for moral support.
Posted by auntie grizelda on March 5, 2014 at 11:34 PM · Report this
@47: Yeah, I'm a little scared, too, after growing up watching a few too many horror movies, starting with "The Exorcist".
Posted by auntie grizelda on March 5, 2014 at 11:37 PM · Report this
@46 seandr: LOfuckingL! THANK YOU so MUCH, and bless you for your "pinch a loaf" comment!! I needed a good belly laugh to ease some pre-surgical tension.

Ok, my tummy hurts, but it's a good hurt.
Posted by auntie grizelda on March 5, 2014 at 11:58 PM · Report this
lolorhone 50
Auntie Griz @47-49: Good luck on your surgery, hon. As someone very familiar with loved ones going through surgery, I can tell you that outpatient is the safest. But make sure they give you good meds (and, most importantly, clear instructions for what to watch out for)to take home, because minimal aftercare means you'll managing most of your own post-op pain.
Posted by lolorhone on March 6, 2014 at 6:48 AM · Report this
@ 45 - "Origin of AIN'T :
contraction of are not"

From Merriam Webster. So, no.
Posted by Ricardo on March 6, 2014 at 6:58 AM · Report this
Maybe PISSED's boyfriend is embarrassed of her witnessing the odd little fart that at times may slip out during urinating. In that case, I'm for locking the door. There is no intimacy in the world that sanctions farting in front of each other while awake, but then maybe I'm funny that way.
Posted by cockyballsup on March 6, 2014 at 9:40 AM · Report this
debug 53
Hopefully the father won't shame his kid too much when they have the talk. Jerking it in the bathroom is a pretty considerate place to do it. It's private and shouldn't leave tell tale signs like it might in the bedroom. Kid just needs to know he's not being as sly as he needs to be.
Posted by debug on March 6, 2014 at 11:04 AM · Report this
Oh hey, at the bottom of the SL column from February 19th ("Cuck You"), torturedturnip posted this:

Dear Dan Savage,
My boyfriend always closes and locks the door behind him when he pees. It really bothers me and turns me off because it hurts my feelings. If he wasn't so prudish and such a prissy little puss, it would be a simple way of turning me on and arousing me for sex, to be a part of his pissing experience. He claims it's because he is pee shy. So I tested that theory; one day, I broke into my bathroom with a little screwdriver and found him peeing with his dick in his hands, standing there, grinning at me. So if he knows that I like it, and if the issue is about being pee shy, and not about a NO GIRLS ALLOWED MOMENT, then why can't he pee in front of me, especially if we have been lovers for five years now!????? I would be grateful for your advice on how to get him to relax with his peeing moments a little more because I'm BORED. Thanks!
Posted by EricaP on March 6, 2014 at 11:57 AM · Report this
There is also the possibility that what is left on the toilet seat, while seamen, might not be from jerking off. I know, beginning around the kids age (and still to this day, though much more rarely), after I would pee, built up seamen would come rushing out. Being 13, he just might be so embarrassed that he doesn't notice that he didn't clean it all up.
Posted by Cookiethief on March 6, 2014 at 12:03 PM · Report this
Doesn't anyone else feel for the guy who just wants a little freaking privacy while he takes a piss? And this hurts his girlfriend's feelings? She's a complete nutjob.
Posted by ineffablecat on March 6, 2014 at 12:33 PM · Report this
@50 lolorhone: Great to hear from you! Thank you and bless for your kind words of moral support! It's comforting to know that outpatient surgery is the safest procedure. I'll ask about what pain relievers are safest, too--good point! I don't want to end up taking narcotics, legally prescribed or not.
I will be meeting with my gynecologist's nurse next week for pre-op advising, and I'm safely betting that she will reaffirm your helpful words of wisdom passed on.
I'm just grateful not to need a hysterectomy, and that my insides are as otherwise healthy as a Kentucky Derby winning racehorse.
Posted by auntie grizelda on March 6, 2014 at 12:51 PM · Report this
@ 55 - You had accumulated seamen in your dick? How did they get there? Did you accidentally sit on their boat, and they couldn't find another exit?
Posted by Ricardo on March 6, 2014 at 12:54 PM · Report this
@57: .....but WITHOUT the steroids!
Posted by auntie grizelda on March 6, 2014 at 12:55 PM · Report this
Mattini 60
PISSED might ask her boyfriend if he'll pee for her in the shower. It can be a little easier when you're already standing under a stream of warm water.
Posted by Mattini on March 6, 2014 at 1:03 PM · Report this
seandr 61
Thanks, @griz, you're a sweetheart!
Posted by seandr on March 6, 2014 at 1:37 PM · Report this
Really pleased nerve cross talk was brought up for bm-gasm gal. My bladder problems gave me some serious vag pain that almost left the doctor stumped. On a whim she gave a UTI test, and it was positive. Thank god because I couldn't even sit down.
Posted by beesbonnett on March 6, 2014 at 1:48 PM · Report this
@61:seandr: Comin' right back atcha!!
Posted by auntie grizelda on March 6, 2014 at 1:51 PM · Report this
Mz Grizelda - I'm not quite sure that's the sort of thing Dr Sean generally takes as a compliment, but good luck.

Ms Kitty - I shall resume the old thread if I can recall enough of my next post, which referred both to Rita Moreno on the Electric Company and Peter Vernon from *Rumpole and the Gentle Art of Blackmail*. Alas, too much of the post has wandered away. But thank you for letting me know.
Posted by vennominon on March 6, 2014 at 2:16 PM · Report this
seandr 65
@ven: It's a fine compliment, thank you @griz, and I think it fits perfectly with the image I've carefully cultivated on SLOG as just a fuzzy wuzzy lil button-nose sweetheart cuddle bear.

Posted by seandr on March 6, 2014 at 7:02 PM · Report this
I am laughing so hard right now, because I am reminded of my bridal shower from 27 years ago. Guests were playing the game "You know the honeymoon is over when..." and the one voted as favorite was..."you are in the bathroom putting on makeup and & he walks in to take a sh*t." Showering together is fun; pooping & peeing is done alone, with the door shut.
Posted by katiels on March 6, 2014 at 9:57 PM · Report this
Ah yes, learning two things, that some people come while pooping and some poop while coming, neither of which I knew prior to today. this is why I read Savage Love.
Posted by GG1000 on March 6, 2014 at 10:46 PM · Report this
So typical of Dan to post numerous letters about gross bullshit, in both senses of the word.
Posted by wayne on March 7, 2014 at 6:36 AM · Report this

Just tell him to clean up after himself. That's the adult response for any kind of "soiling". Anyone can say it to him.

If you're that curious, why don't you ask him how he achieved that shot?
Posted by Hunter78 on March 7, 2014 at 6:44 AM · Report this
We have some friends who believe that peeing as well as pooping with the door open is a sign of a more 'intimate' relationship. I could not agree less. If you are going to stay sexy for the long haul there needs to be some mystery especially about the gross stuff that happens with the bits we want our lovers to put their mouths on. You may both find it funny to fart on each other but it's a great way to turn a lover into just another gross roommate.
Posted by drjones on March 7, 2014 at 6:46 AM · Report this
Indulge every harmless fetish, dude, you will be rewarded. Some folks love to watch that, to us it's neutral.

We have a bathroom code: *Knock knock* "Serious business?"

If the S.O. says no then it's something no more than a piss, one may enter. If either of us say "yes" the other walks away. The door is never locked, nor is it opened if the business is serious. By which I mean poo.

Dan has made it clear that farting "openly" is what a relationship is all about, though. Farts are comedy for some reason.
Posted by SifuMark on March 7, 2014 at 9:04 AM · Report this
@SifuMark, I don't think so. I don't care how close we are, farting in my presence is not okay, unless you don't want me to be sexually attracted to you any more. No wonder so many couples encounter bed death.
Posted by cockyballsup on March 7, 2014 at 1:17 PM · Report this

Aren't you into C&B torture? But the odd fart is too far?
Posted by Hunter78 on March 7, 2014 at 3:37 PM · Report this
@ Mr. Ven - I've not read anything by John Mortimer but of course now I'm browsing through his books. Any recommendations?
Posted by MiscKitty on March 7, 2014 at 4:59 PM · Report this
I'm surprised more people haven't commented on POOPED's letter. I've experienced the same thing, but have never given it much thought. Maybe my spasms are less intense than hers, but they do happen. It can't just be the two of us, POOPED!
Posted by firsttimecomment on March 7, 2014 at 5:00 PM · Report this
Ms Kitty - If Rumpole doesn't suit you, you can try Summer's Lease (inspired by the custom of renting a home abroad for a summer holiday) or one of the Paradise books about an amoral right-wing politician. I have not read the entire work, never having stumbled across it, but always enjoy the (abridged) audio version of his autobiography Murderers and Other Friends, which covers defending a client accused of murder, being taken for Rumpole in real life, visiting South African relations with his son, left-wing celebrity political activism, making a film about his father, coexisting with religion as an atheist, a Shakespearean touring company in Russia, possibly forged artworks and writing a television series on the subject, celebrity tales and some interesting true crimes, among other things.

Happy reading!
Posted by vennominon on March 7, 2014 at 9:37 PM · Report this
@51 From the Oxford: "The use of ain’t was widespread in the 18th century, typically as a contraction for am not. It is still perfectly normal in many dialects and informal speech in both Britain and North America."

It's pronounced as it is due to the difficulty of saying "amn't"; it's spelled as it is because the pronunciation drift had already happened by the time spelling was codified.

So, yes. :P
Posted by antes on March 7, 2014 at 11:47 PM · Report this
Antes [45, 91],

I don't normally read, much less comment on, unregistered posts, but this dribble has gone on too far.

[Ain't] is short for "am not" and, therefore, should only be used for the first person.

This is bullshit. Any decent general purpose dictionary (inc "the Oxford") will tell you "ain't" means "am not, is not, are not, even has not and have not (eg, he ain't got a chance).

Both you and Dan should leave grammar alone, and tend to good writing instead.

Posted by Hunter78 on March 8, 2014 at 8:08 AM · Report this
@ 77 - You failed to notice the use of the word "typically", which means, among other things, "not always". So you are indeed being too restrictive, even according to your own references.

Posted by Ricardo on March 8, 2014 at 8:12 AM · Report this
@ 78 - I suppose you were actually referring to 51, not 91.

I ain't talking about grammar as such, not in the sense of "proper writing according to arbitrary prescriptive rules which often have nothing to do with what's really going on in the language". I trained in linguistics (many years ago, I'll admit). "Ain't", its origins, uses etc. was the subject of a two-hour class at one point. A fascinating subject. I like to talk about it. And no one forces you to read my posts.
Posted by Ricardo on March 8, 2014 at 8:19 AM · Report this

Sorry, I was referring to Antes' 45, not a future 91, nor to your 51.

Your posts are usually well received by me.

Posted by Hunter78 on March 8, 2014 at 8:35 AM · Report this
@56 wrote:
Doesn't anyone else feel for the guy who just wants a little freaking privacy while he takes a piss? And this hurts his girlfriend's feelings? She's a complete nutjob.

That was my reaction, too. That doesn't happen to be my boundary -- my husband and I sometimes walk in on each other peeing, and it's not a big deal -- but it seems like a perfectly reasonable boundary to have, and partners should respect that sort of thing.
Posted by mother of two on March 8, 2014 at 9:07 AM · Report this
@79 A grammar Nazi, being too restrictive? Surely not. :D
Posted by antes on March 8, 2014 at 10:31 AM · Report this
Ophian 84
I'm surprised Dan didn't suggest exploring anal stimulation to LW1. Whatever it is that is setting her off might be achievable in bed--without the poop.

Pooping is a solo function. But peeing? Taking a leak doesn't usually involve the same kinds of sounds/smells/funny faces as taking a shit. Most men's rooms require most men to stand next to total strangers who are pissing.

I am only very occasionally more intimate with strange men than I am with a significant other.
Posted by Ophian on March 8, 2014 at 2:48 PM · Report this
@82, or find partners who are compatible with wherever one falls on the spectrum of privacy vs. feeling comfortable farting/pooping in front of each other.
Posted by EricaP on March 8, 2014 at 3:47 PM · Report this
We time-traveled an hour into the future.
Posted by Hunter78 on March 9, 2014 at 7:23 AM · Report this
Hate to nitpick, Dan, but you said "anxious" when you meant "eager".
Posted by grammar on March 9, 2014 at 8:01 AM · Report this
mydriasis 88

[angk-shuhs, ang-] Show IPA
full of mental distress or uneasiness because of fear of danger or misfortune; greatly worried; solicitous: Her parents were anxious about her poor health.
earnestly desirous; eager (usually followed by an infinitive or for ): anxious to please; anxious for our happiness.
attended with or showing solicitude or uneasiness: anxious forebodings.

Also, grammar is - as far as I know - not the same as word selection/meaning. If anyone wants to jump in and correct me feel free.
Posted by mydriasis on March 9, 2014 at 1:56 PM · Report this
Seamen =/= semen. Just saying...
Posted by tachycardia on March 9, 2014 at 7:02 PM · Report this

After I have a normal bowel movement, I pull up my jeans. When I do that, the crotch seam presses on my clit as I begin to close the zipper, and I get what I can only describe as an intense mini-orgasm.

Maybe your pants are too tight? Maybe your camel toe does more than distract men.
Posted by Hunter78 on March 10, 2014 at 3:39 AM · Report this
@14 nailed it. If PISSED is as intense about trying to watch her bf pee as she is about asking this question, it must make her pee-shy bf downright terrified! Having to pee next to a stranger in a bathroom isn't nearly as intimidating as peeing in front of someone who is watching you and expecting to be turned on. And from her tone, I'm imagining her, like, bounding to the bathroom like a terrier when he goes to pee and then staring at his crotch with her hand down her pants.

Better advice for PISSED: People are taught (correctly!) to keep their bathroom business private. Your bf is being polite by keeping the door locked. If this is something that really turns you on and that you want to incorporate into your sex life, approach him calmly, at a non-sexy time, and say, "Hey, I know it's a little weird and uncomfortable, but I'm really turned on by the thought of watching you pee. It doesn't have to be every time, but I'd love it if you'd indulge me once in a while...I promise you'll get the best sex ever if you do!" And do it without telling him you're BORED (in all caps), and without lots of overwhelming punctuation in your voice (?!?). You're likely to get much better results.
Posted by TenrSinger on March 10, 2014 at 10:09 AM · Report this
PISSED: Do your boyfriend a favor and dump him. Seriously, set the boy free. Let him find somebody who will let him use the bathroom in peace. If you're all-caps bored with him, I don't think watching him take a leak can possibly rescue your relationship anyway.

SPANKS: Jesus, Step-Parent, be a parent. Tell the kid to clean up after himself in the bathroom. If, after he's been told, you find it again, then obviously you need to be more specific. At that point, you go get him and point the mess out to him. He's 13. He's probably felt mortified at least once just this week. He'll be mortified many more times before he gets through puberty. Being deliberately mortified by you this once isn't going to kill him.
Posted by demark on March 11, 2014 at 10:33 AM · Report this
@Hunter78, "Aren't you into C&B torture."

No I'm not, though I can see how you would have gotten the idea.
Posted by cockyballsup on March 12, 2014 at 9:25 AM · Report this
Re: SPANKS - I'm guessing the 13-year old does it deliberately to either annoy his stepmom, or get off on the idea that she comes across it (no pun intended).
Posted by Francophile1962 on March 19, 2014 at 8:03 PM · Report this
My husband and I have no issues when we urinate, but the door is closed when we crap. The smell is certainly part of it, but it is also a time alone that we value.

Now if one of us needs something that moment in the bath, there is no issue although I cannot imagine anything needed from the bathroom could not wait a couple minutes.
Posted by torvan on May 2, 2014 at 3:26 AM · Report this
Isn't anyone aware of the naked outrage of hbo feeding the Olson Boies promotion wagon? - These guys and Chad Griffith are full of shit. They have continually tried to grab credit for the success of ssm efforts around the country and the reason that that DOES matter is that their real effort is to confuse young voters about the history of the GOP opposing gay rights and civil rights in general. It seems that the Bush lawyers as I call them cannot find their bottom however, as they have shamelessly attached themselves to Larry Kramer's The Normal Heart by having their bullshit infomercial advertised right before and after its premiere tonight.
Posted by drewskidog on May 26, 2014 at 1:17 AM · Report this

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