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Girls

April 16, 2014

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I'm a 26-year-old girl, and my boyfriend is bi. I assumed he would be less jealous than the average man. After all, a lot of bi men have faced irrational jealousy from women. But my BF is more jealous than average. He accuses me of having slept with my male friends in the past. He makes negative comments about how many people I've hooked up with. Whenever I won't divulge something, he says, "Well, obviously that means you did hook up with that guy before we met/you do think that waiter was cute/you were looking at porn on your phone." If I do admit I was involved with someone (or even that I think someone is cute), he gets really upset. He knows he's insecure. He says he's working on it. But do people grow out of this kind of thing? Also, this is especially unfair given that I don't object at all to the shirtless snapchats he gets from guys he used to hook up with.

Torn In Re Envious Drudgery

Your boyfriend is not insecure, TIRED, your boyfriend is an asshole.

You shouldn't have to put up with slut-shaming or emotionally abusive behavior, TIRED, not even when—especially not when—it comes disguised as "jealousy and insecurity." Your boyfriend is not, as he would have you believe, the tormented victim of his own psychic demons. He is tormenting and victimizing you—he is abusing you—and conning you into giving him a pass by crying to you about his bullshit insecurities.

While some people do overcome these particular strains of assholery, it usually takes being dumped several dozen times before a guy like your boyfriend starts to do the hard work of unpacking and dismantling his assholery. The longer someone like your boyfriend gets away with this kind of assholery, the longer he'll be an asshole. So do your boyfriend and yourself a favor, TIRED, and DTMFA.

Lastly: I have a hunch your jealous, controlling, emotionally abusive boyfriend is playing a "good offense is the best defense" game with you. By which I mean to say: He's probably doing more—a lot more—than just swapping shirtless pics with guys he "used to" hook up with. His jealous fits about your imaginary infidelities may be meant to distract you from his actual ones.


I am a 22-year-old bisexual female, and I have a boyfriend who I love. He says he wouldn't mind if I hooked up with other girls, as long as it was a one-night thing. That's not what I want. Ultimately, I want to have a boyfriend and a girlfriend. He is not keen on the idea. He says he feels like he is not enough for me. I reassure him constantly that this is not the case. He is everything I want in a man, but I still crave a woman's company. How can I approach this subject with him so that he will understand and be willing to accept it? I love him and want to be with him, but I also want a woman in my life, and I am not willing to sacrifice that.

Feeling Emotionally Maligned

Your boyfriend may be everything you want in a man, FEM, but he's not everything you want. If you won't sacrifice your dream of having a woman in your life—for him or any other man—then stop encouraging him to hope otherwise. When he says, "I worry that I'm not enough for you," you should be saying, "You're all the man I need, honey, but it's true: You're not enough for me." Instead, you're saying, "You're everything I want! You're enough for me! But, um, I totally need a girlfriend, too!"

No more mixed messages, FEM. Say this to him: "I don't wanna have one-night stands with random women. I wanna have a relationship with one woman and a concurrent relationship with one man. I'd like that man to be you, sweetheart. But you'll have to compromise on the only-one-night-stands-with-women thing if you want to be with me. Because, like I told Dan Savage, I'm simply not willing to sacrifice that. Not even for you."

If you'll settle for nothing less than polyamory, FEM, your boyfriend has to be told that in unambiguous terms. No mixed messages, no hedging. The risk, of course, is that your boyfriend will dump you. But if he doesn't want what you want, FEM, then he's not the right guy for you, is he?


I am a heterosexual woman. There is no doubt in my mind that my boyfriend of four years loves women. Or that he loves me. My boyfriend says he is straight, but I sometimes think he is attracted to men. My gay best friend also thinks my boyfriend is attracted to men. Example: My boyfriend loves getting attention from this one gay waiter. My boyfriend goes out of his way to talk to him, the waiter responds with flirtation, and all the while, the gay waiter ignores and is rude to me. I asked my boyfriend if he had a crush on this waiter, and he got mad at me. What does this mean?

Worried Over Really Repressed Yearnings

Your boyfriend could be straight and comfortable with his sexuality and attracted to the occasional (rude) gay waiter. Some (rude) gay waiters are simply irresistible, WORRY, and some straight-identified guys aren't 100 percent straight, just as some gay- and lesbian-identified folks aren't 100 percent gay or lesbian. While some folks are bi and closeted, WORRY, lots of people are only so rarely attracted to someone of the same or opposite sex that the straight label (or the gay/lesbian label) feels more comfortable and more accurate than the bi label. As for your gay best friend, WORRY: Some (dumb) gay men are convinced that all straight-identified men are gay, bi, or persuadable. The more attractive the man, the more convinced these (dumb) gay men are. The fact that some straight-identified men have been known to fuck the odd (rude) gay waiter or (dumb) gay best friend only fans the flamers.


I'm a 23-year-young woman, and I've been with my boyfriend for more than five years. We have a toddler together. We are best friends, and I love him very much. However, when we got together, I hadn't had many partners and he'd already been around the block. And now he's just not doing it for me in the bedroom. The things that used to make my toes curl now just make them twitch a little. I think I want to have sex with other people. It's not that I'm not sexually attracted to my boyfriend anymore. I just want something different. But I don't want to break up with my boyfriend. I love him and I love our family. I'm just too damn horny. What do I do?

She's Horny And Growing

You start by telling your boyfriend that the things you've been doing in bed for five years—the shit that used to curl your toes—isn't doing it for you anymore. Tell him you don't want to break up, tell him you're still attracted to him, but also tell him you're bored by your routine. Get to work on expanding your repertoire, developing some new moves, and sharing your fantasies. One fantasy you can toss on the table: your desire to have sex with other people. If he's opposed, SHAG, ask him how feels about you two being with other people together, e.g., threesomes, sex parties, and swingers clubs. recommended

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Comments (14) RSS

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1
Good until the last one. Telling the father of your toddler that he's just not cutting it for you where there has been no change in his behavior requires: introspection first, then very careful disclosure which is supportive. Dump that letter on him in one session and the odds are it the beginning of the end of the relationship
Posted by Just me sayin' on April 15, 2014 at 7:39 PM · Report this
seandr 2
LW1: Your boyfriend is, in fact, insecure. Insecurity is the driver behind a lot of assholish male behavior*. He may eventually change. You might even help him change. But you're a person, not a social worker, so unless there's something in it for you that you haven't mentioned, don't put up with his shit, dump him, and do him the favor of letting him know exactly why he lost you. Also maybe recommend therapy with a good male therapist.

* For insight into male psychology, watch Cesar Milan's The Dog Whisperer - aggression amost always arises from dogs who are anxious and/or insecure.
Posted by seandr on April 15, 2014 at 7:55 PM · Report this
seandr 3
LW2: He's straight.
Posted by seandr on April 15, 2014 at 8:01 PM · Report this
4
Agree with the advice to LW1. Is he insecure? Simply abusive? Not sure but the (one and only) cure for either behavior is a good dumping. A good dumping (or two) really helped me to start asking the hard questions of myself which in turn helped me get my act together and I'm incredibly grateful to the women who did it.
Posted by bassplayerguy on April 15, 2014 at 8:08 PM · Report this
5
LW3 is straight. Lots of straight guys love to flirt with attractive gay men.... boosts their egos.Hey we all like to be admired. I totally agree with Dan's comments about some gay men suspecting all straight men of secretly being closeted, too. My experience exactly.
Posted by Suavecito on April 15, 2014 at 8:20 PM · Report this
6
@3, but will he still be straight in 20 years?
Posted by EricaP on April 15, 2014 at 8:24 PM · Report this
7
Yeah, that last answer needs some help. It's going to take some serious honesty and introspection from you, SHAG.

One of two things is happening. Either you want to dump him because the sex is bad or the sex is bad because you want to dump him.

In the former case, you have plenty of options before skipping to the "I want to sleep with other people" declaration. In Savage-Love-Land that's met with, "Jolly! Let's have a reasoned discussion about boundaries!" In real life the response is, "AUUUUGH! I'll never be able to bleach those words out of my brain!!!" You'll likely alter, if not end, the relationship forever that way.

As Dan mentioned, there's a whole field of fantasy to be explored between you before heading to that option, which may eventually include the fantasy (or practice) of sleeping with others. But an honest discussion of what you'd like more of from your S.O. WITHOUT defaulting to sleeping with others would be the best place to start. You might well discover you're just in a lull, not perma-bed-death.

If sleeping with others is the ONLY fantasy you have, that's a different matter. But your letter sounds more like it's the product of a negative (not getting what I want) than a positive directional choice (I'd love to do this).

But then there's Option 2, that you want to dump him SO the sex is bad. In this case no amount of sexual tinkering will serve. Any fantasy talk would be a waste of time. The mind is turned off, an exit is the ultimate goal, things won't turn ultra-sexy again magically even if all your fantasies are fulfilled.

People often fool themselves this way. They want to leave but they don't want to seem like jerks. So they cast themselves as the long-suffering, faithful martyr. Except half-willing martyrs don't have good sex. When the sex goes bad the exit avenue opens. Now the responsibility isn't yours (I want out) but the other person's (They couldn't please me). You're actually invested in the sex being bad to get you out.

If this is the case, the upstanding thing to do is break up honestly first and then have all the sex you want with other people.

So is bad sex spurring you to look elsewhere or is wanting to look elsewhere blunting the edge of the sex? Either seems fine, but honesty and taking responsibility for those feelings seems the way to go in either case.
More...
Posted by DomDom on April 15, 2014 at 8:37 PM · Report this
8
with regard to SHAG, given how most men are, shouldn't the advice focus on getting her boyfriend to improve his bedside repertoire first, and consider sex with other people as the last resort? This way, hopefully, you minimize the potential damage to her boyfriend's ego, and avoid the potential drama as a result.
Posted by just_my_2_cents_worth on April 15, 2014 at 8:38 PM · Report this
9
Yeah, that last answer needs some help. This is going to take some serious honesty and introspection from you, SHAG.

One of two things is happening. Either you want to dump him because the sex is bad or the sex is bad because you want to dump him.

In the former case, you have plenty of options before skipping to the "I want to sleep with other people" declaration. In Savage-Love-Land that's met with, "Jolly! Let's have a reasoned discussion about boundaries!" In real life the response is, "AUUUUGH! I'll never be able to bleach those words out of my brain!!!" You'll likely alter, if not end, the relationship forever that way.

As Dan mentioned, there's a whole field of fantasy to be explored between you before heading to that option, which may eventually include the fantasy (or practice) of sleeping with others. But an honest discussion of what you'd like more of from your S.O. WITHOUT defaulting to sleeping with others would be the best place to start. You might well discover you're just in a lull, not perma-bed-death.

If sleeping with others is the ONLY fantasy you have, that's a different matter. But your letter sounds more like it's the product of a negative (not getting what I want) than a positive directional choice (I'd love to do this).

But then there's Option 2, that you want to dump him SO the sex is bad. In this case no amount of sexual tinkering will serve. Any fantasy talk would be a waste of time. The mind is turned off, an exit is the ultimate goal, things won't turn ultra-sexy again magically even if all your fantasies are fulfilled.

People often fool themselves this way. They want to leave but they don't want to seem like jerks. So they cast themselves as the long-suffering, faithful martyr. Except half-willing martyrs don't have good sex. When the sex goes bad the exit avenue opens. Now the responsibility isn't yours (I want out) but the other person's (They couldn't please me). You're actually invested in the sex being bad to get you out.

If this is the case, the upstanding thing to do is break up honestly first and then have all the sex you want with other people.

So is bad sex spurring you to look elsewhere or is wanting to look elsewhere blunting the edge of the sex? Either seems fine, but honesty and taking responsibility for those feelings seems the way to go in either case.
More...
Posted by DomDom on April 15, 2014 at 8:40 PM · Report this
10
Double post. I suck. Nevermind. Sleep with other people.
Posted by DomDom on April 15, 2014 at 8:46 PM · Report this
11
LW2: We don't have nearly enough information from her to determine her boyfriend's motives. So he "loves getting attention" from the waiter. Big deal. Lots of people like getting attention. Maybe he thinks the waiter is fun and interesting, and enjoys his company. This doesn't mean he wants to fuck him.

This is a tightrope hetero men often have to walk with our insecure wives/girlfriends. If we're standoffish to her gay friends, we're homophobic. If we're friendly and engaging, then we must be gay ourselves.
Posted by rastus on April 15, 2014 at 8:59 PM · Report this
12
No waiter is irresistible.

While there is truth in the first two thirds of the conclusion of that response, Mr Savage omits that it might reasonably be considered marginally more excusable for someone who knows very few available people from whom to choose (if Mr Savage can presume that GBF finds BF madly attractive without any evidence, I can presume they live somewhere with a very low quantity of non-Wainthropps) than for one of the rather greater number of women who take male homosexuality to be a personal insult or decline to believe in it as quite real in the first place (I am quite pleased to say that there are only one or two infrequent posters among the present company to whom this designation might apply).

As for the second letter, wouldn't "biamory" be more accurate when she's seeking two partners exactly to fairly careful specifications and not an open-optioned indefinite number greater than one? This letter makes me feel old, as I remember what might be considered the birth of biphobia as a term in common use, when it was mainly evoked when the partners of people like this LW didn't capitulate. It's interesting that there's been such a shift.
Posted by vennominon on April 15, 2014 at 9:02 PM · Report this
13
LW2: We don't have nearly enough information from her to determine her boyfriend's motives. So he "loves getting attention" from the waiter. Big deal. Lots of people like getting attention. Maybe he thinks the waiter is fun and interesting, and enjoys his company. This doesn't mean he wants to fuck him.

This is a tightrope hetero men often have to walk with our insecure wives/girlfriends. If we're standoffish to her gay friends, we're homophobic. If we're friendly and engaging, then we must be gay ourselves.
Posted by rastus on April 15, 2014 at 9:03 PM · Report this
14
"I assumed he would be less jealous than the average man. After all, a lot of bi men have faced irrational jealousy from women."

What is that supposed to mean?

Oh, on second thought, never mind. Letter Writer 2 answered that.

LW 2 is another one of these people who think that being bi should give her special dispensation to have multiple partners. If you feel you should get to have more than one partner to whom you are attracted, then he also gets more than one partner to whom he is attracted. And no, you do NOT get to hide behind "but mine are one man and one woman, while yours would both be women!" That is complete bullshit. People are individuals. You fall in love with people, not with sets of genitalia. I guarantee he can find two women that are very different and yet both highly attractive to him. I also guarantee that you can find any number of both men and women as candidate dates, some of whom you find attractive and some of whom you don't. It's not about what they are packing in their pants, it's about who they are and whether you are attracted to them.

Also, if you are bi, that means you are capable of seriously falling for someone of either sex -- potentially displacing your boyfriend with someone of either sex. If he has to undergo that risk, then so do you, even if in his case he would be replacing you with a woman. (Before anybody jumps on me, saying "not all bi people are bi-romantic," Letter Writer says that's basically exactly what she is looking for. She already vetoed casual hookups.)
Posted by avast2006 on April 15, 2014 at 9:08 PM · Report this

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