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Boundary Disputes

May 7, 2014

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I'm a 26-year-old lesbian 18 months out of an eight-year relationship. She was my first girlfriend. I do not want to be in another monogamous relationship. I want to have a couple of sex buddies or, preferably, a couple of friends with benefits. In the last 18 months, I have had three FWB "arrangements" with different girls. The problem is, about two or three months in, each girl developed serious like/love feelings and began talking about a future together and how they want to be with me exclusively. Each time, I had to reiterate my feelings about not getting into a relationship and wound up feeling like an asshole. I care about these women and don't want to hurt their feelings, but I told them the situation from the start. Am I a bad person? Or are FWB impossible?

Fears Wilting Boundaries

Friends-with-benefits arrangements may not be committed relationships, but they are relationships. They're ongoing sexual relationships, and—you might want to sit down for this—people have been known to develop like/love feelings for folks they're fucking on a regular basis. So if "getting into a relationship" is something you want to avoid, and you don't want anyone developing feelings, you should have one-night stands and/or NSA sex instead. (Those are also relationships, in my opinion, but they're extremely short-term ones, and people rarely develop serious like/love feelings in a single sex session.) On to your questions: You are not a bad person. FWB are not impossible—there are a lot of successful FWB arrangements—and a desire for exclusivity or a future together is not proof someone entered into a FWB arrangement under false pretenses. And reiterating your disinterest in a committed relationship isn't assholery.


The sitch: Tend bar with a hot girl who has a boyfriend. Hit on her anyway because I'm that guy. She says I can fuck her but only if her boyfriend gets to watch and eat her out after. I don't want anything to do with that scene. I was down for some traditional cheating, not this kinky shit. But I'd still like to fuck this girl. Any advice for me?

Blue-Balled Baller

Nope.


I'm a 28-year-old straight female. I've only ever been able to orgasm if I self-induce while alone or if I'm on top during sex with a guy and my clit is being rubbed on the guy's abdomen. (This works best with bigger guys.) When there is no abdomen rubbing my clit, I fake it. I can squeeze so it feels as if I'm coming, but I'm not. Do you have any suggestions?

Wants Real Orgasms

You're having real orgasms, WRO. When your clit is fully engaged—using your hands or toys when alone, rubbing against the abdomen of a big guy during intercourse—you get off. Some women's clits are fully engaged during intercourse without any extra effort (they can come "just" from fucking), but they're in the minority. If climaxing during intercourse is important to you, WRO, you'll have to sleep with big guys exclusively, rub your own clit during sex, or instruct skinny dudes to rub your clit for you.


I am in a heterosexual relationship. My boyfriend and I have been together for two years. We were long-distance for the first year and a half. When we were long-distance, he complained that it was hard to have a relationship over the phone. Now that we are in the same city, he says he feels like our relationship has gone "stale" and he feels "trapped." I'm sick of his complaining. Does he want to be with me or not? What is he really trying to say?

Confusing Lad Is Nagging Girl

"I'm intolerable and you should break up with me."


My question concerns my fiancé. He is 35 years old. Between the ages of 20 and 30, he was in and out of jail. He has admitted to me that while in prison, he had sex with a [trans woman]. I know he loves having sex with [cis] women, but I found out that he watches [a porn genre that features trans women who have penises]. He says he is just looking, but I know he masturbates to this [porn genre]. To be fair, he watches tons of porn featuring [cis] women. A lot. He loves watching [cis] women and having sex with [cis] women. My worry is that he wants to have sex with [trans women]. Is this a legitimate worry? He doesn't watch gay porn. I just want to make sure of everything if we are going to be married.

Fiancé Lusts After [Trans Women] Hotties

You would be foolish to waste your time wondering whether your fiancé wants to have sex with trans women, FLATWH, as it's clear that your fiancé wants to have sex with trans women. The question you should concern yourself with is this: Can your fiancé be trusted to honor the monogamous commitment he's (presumably) about to make to you, or is he going to cheat on you with other trans and/or cis women? If you trust that he'll honor the commitment he makes to you, then his taste in porn and his fantasies about other partners—trans or not—is irrelevant.


I'm a married straight man. My wife and I have been married for five years. I thought my wife was GGG and open to new things, so six months ago I brought up my desire to wear lingerie—she did not react well. We struggled a bit but gradually got back to normal, with me just not mentioning it again. My birthday is in May, so I proposed a weekend of indulgence of my fetish as a birthday present. I thought that would be easy enough to accommodate. I was wrong and got totally and uncomfortably denied. I'm at a loss for what to do. I don't want to destroy a marriage over a small sexual interest, but I don't want to be locked into vanilla sex forever. Any advice on getting her to come around?

Partner Against Nighties That Intrigue Eager Spouse

Someone can be "open to new things" without being "open to everything." So your wife might be up for exploring other sexual kinks, positions, and circumstances—hubby-in-lingerie isn't the only form of non-vanilla sex out there—but seeing you in panties could be a "libido killer," a term coined by Emily "Dear Prudence" Yoffe. If that's the case, PANTIES, she may never come around. But if it's not a libido killer, if it's just something she hasn't had time to wrap her head around, your best course of action is to drop the subject for now. Let the wife see that your interest isn't all-consuming and you still enjoy vanilla sex in gender-conforming underpants, and indulging this particular kink may come to seem less threatening.


Where can straight women find men who won't make odd sexual requests?

Dumped One Again

Graveyards. recommended


On the Lovecast, Dan chats with graphic novelist Ellen Forney about dating when you're bipolar: savagelovecast.com.

mail@savagelove.net

@fakedansavage on Twitter

 

Comments (121) RSS

Oldest First Unregistered On Registered On Add a comment
1
first?
Posted by karaglo on May 6, 2014 at 5:43 PM · Report this
2
With regards to Dan's answer to Dumped One Again: o yes, lots of boners there.
Posted by julian_lau on May 6, 2014 at 5:53 PM · Report this
nocutename 3
Jackpot: A heap of first-run letters and a bunch of pithy, spot-on, and entertaining answers. Thanks, Dan.
Posted by nocutename on May 6, 2014 at 6:18 PM · Report this
4
Loved the answer to BBB. What a douchebag.
Posted by LateBloomer on May 6, 2014 at 6:36 PM · Report this
5
Totally a bag full of noobs on this one.
Posted by LZito on May 6, 2014 at 7:09 PM · Report this
Chelydra_serpentina 6
Mmmmkay, what's up with those square brackets? They're odd and distracting. I've got two guesses:

1. The original letter used offensive terms for transgender (and something like "real women" instead of "cis women") and Dan helpfully substituted more acceptable terms, or

2. LW doesn't know how to use brackets the way some people don't know how to use quotation marks.
Posted by Chelydra_serpentina on May 6, 2014 at 7:45 PM · Report this
7
Love the last one! Badum bum!
Posted by Junie on May 6, 2014 at 7:54 PM · Report this
8
Love the last one. Badum bum! :-)
Posted by Junie on May 6, 2014 at 7:56 PM · Report this
9
When I was much younger, from time to time a man would continue hitting on me despite my consistent and emphatic nos. I tell him I had a boyfriend, and he'd continue hitting on me. I'd wonder if I was leading him on, decide that I wasn't, but he'd remain hopeful and stupid. As I look back, I wonder if there was anything I could have done to maintain a friendship since he was usually smart and funny and possibly a nice guy if only he'd leave off hitting on me. I never could think of anything and would eventually storm off.

Today I have my answer. I think it unlikely that it will happen again, but if I ever do run into that guy, I'll remember to tell him my terms. Thanks BBB. You've solved an old mystery on how to tell a persistent cheater to fuck off once and for all.
Posted by Crinoline on May 6, 2014 at 8:07 PM · Report this
10
Once again, a direct bullseye in your perfect response to BBB, Dan!
@4: Agreed. BBB is indeed a douchebag with poor vocabulary.
I mean, what's with "sitch"? Ag.
@3 nocutename: I second that!
Dan the Man--LOL and a great big kudos to your equally spot on response to DOA! I'm still laughing (oh, shit---maybe I'm NOT GGG enough?).
@2: LOL Slam dunk FTW!
Posted by auntie grizelda on May 6, 2014 at 8:15 PM · Report this
11
re @10 (in second comment to Dan): ...or maybe I should check out graveyards more often?
Posted by auntie grizelda on May 6, 2014 at 8:25 PM · Report this
12
since when did cis come to mean natal? i'm not sure where you're getting your [mis] information DAn but the prefix cis original use was and is in most circles to quell fears of invasion of women's spaces brought up during first and second wave feminism. because trans means from,to and cis means on the same side of. we are on the same side of women dan and this kind of meme takes us back a step.
Posted by Mx.JordanHill on May 6, 2014 at 8:34 PM · Report this
13
@12- Cis has been in common usage for a number of years to denote someone whose current gender identity matches the gender they were assigned at birth. There needs to be a term for women like that that's short and pithy, and cis is as good as any.
Posted by M Dubz on May 6, 2014 at 10:13 PM · Report this
14
@12--Didn't you hear? Last week it was decided that "natal", as a cognate of "natural", could imply that trans is unnatural, which is pretty damn offensive. The new term is "nonfaveo," which is Latin for "couldn't help it."
Posted by LateBloomer on May 6, 2014 at 10:13 PM · Report this
15
One wonders what PANTIES' wife thinks about Eddie Izzard. When my husband told me he enjoys lingerie and panties and such, and asked me if I would be shocked - very early on in our relationship so we'd know if it went anywhere, I thought about Eddie and how hot he is all dolled up. We're pretty happy and I love peeking to see what cute panties he has on today.
Posted by hurrdahurr on May 6, 2014 at 10:23 PM · Report this
16
@12 trans here calling bull puckey: "cis" developed originally by a queer theorist to reposition "non-trans" as another non-presumptive "other", counterpart to trans.

Sigusch, V. (1998). The neosexual revolution. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 27(4):332–359.

Also: there's not such thing as a "natal" woman: people are born infants, regardless of sex and gender. woman take a few years longer... regardless of sex or gender.
Posted by Lexy on May 6, 2014 at 10:30 PM · Report this
17
I was involved in the exact same situation as CLING. The dude was a git. Walk away while you can, CLING. He has no idea what he wants.
Posted by treehugger on May 6, 2014 at 10:33 PM · Report this
18
FLATWH isn't about being trans, it's just another iteration of 'I won't trust you unless I can control every aspect of your life.'. I would encourage the fiance to DTMFA because nothing he does will ever be enough.
Posted by msanonymous on May 6, 2014 at 11:46 PM · Report this
19
My first thought with FLATWH's question was so. People will watch porn that they would not want to recreate irl. Look at all the viral porn hits out there like: Cakefarts, Mr Hands, the 2 girls one cup series, ect... He enjoys watching something that is considered extreme. However, he chose you to marry. If you think that he might want to have sex with a transwoman again then ask him about it in a gentle, nonacusitory way.
Panties-Your wife might be afraid that your interest in wearing female clothing is the first step in you coming out as trans. Just ease back and let her get used to the idea that you like the feel of silk and satin against your bits too. Hell back in my dancer days I usex to wear men's g-strings under my costumes rather then womens because they were generally softer and didn't floss your butt as bad.

Posted by bxtorr19 on May 7, 2014 at 12:35 AM · Report this
20
Ol' blue balls is a party pooper.
I could give a rat's ass if her bf wanted to watch and slurp the imminent creampie.
As long as I got my nut, I'd be happy.
Posted by aeros66 on May 7, 2014 at 1:25 AM · Report this
Allen Gilliam 21
Just because someone fantasizes about something doesn't mean they will cheat on their spouse to get it for real. The fiance might consider offering to wear a strap-on and play out his fantasy with him.
Posted by Allen Gilliam http://softlyspokenmagicspells.com on May 7, 2014 at 3:05 AM · Report this
Allen Gilliam 22
I might have told the guy who didn't want to be the 3rd in a cuckolding scene that there's nothing homosexual about it. It's about the boyfriend's degradation, not a sexual attraction to the 3rd.
Posted by Allen Gilliam http://softlyspokenmagicspells.com on May 7, 2014 at 3:07 AM · Report this
Alanmt 23
LW2: Any advice for me?

Yes. Stop being a douchebag. A whiny douchebag.

O
Posted by Alanmt on May 7, 2014 at 4:40 AM · Report this
saxfanatic 24
God I love those concise exchanges.
Posted by saxfanatic on May 7, 2014 at 5:39 AM · Report this
25
Could Dan do a column reiterating that GGG means your partner will listen to your requests without getting hysterical and give them serious consideration, not that they will do anything whatsoever you can think of or lose their card? Gender-crossing, like everything else, is a turn-on for some, a neutral for others (they'll do it for a partner who likes it and drop it for one who doesn't, the partner's positive reaction being the only part they are strongly into), and a complete turn-off for others.

I do agree with Dan's oft-repeated advice that it's not like your spouse forgot, so you don't need to keep reminding them. Back off, calm down, maybe unpressured they will decide there's a version they could do. Or not. (And following on 15, assuming you had no interest in this before marrying: people change. Inevitably. Marriage means you try to change together, but that is not easy and unbounded: your late-arriving desire to move back to your hometown may not trigger a similar desire in the spouse who married you believing (with reason) you had no desire to do that, and so with any other big issues.)
Posted by IPJ on May 7, 2014 at 6:06 AM · Report this
Eudaemonic 26
@LW2: Since no one else will offer you actual advice, I will: Hitting on women who aren't single maximizes your chances of encountering "that scene." If that's a scene you want to avoid, only hit on women who are single.

For best results, also only hit on women who seem interested.
Posted by Eudaemonic on May 7, 2014 at 6:09 AM · Report this
27
(ETA: "You" in my 2nd paragraph means the letter writer, not 15. I cited 15 because she mentions the kink coming up early on while they were seeing if they had long-term potential, which is what you should do with all things you know, going into a marriage, are important to you. While understanding that even if you are both (insert age) you are not locked in stasis.)

@6: Square brackets are the routine way to indicate text has been changed: preferable terms inserted (as here); change of tense or pov; replaced a pronoun with the appropriate noun for clarity. They are deliberately interruptive in a way parentheses are not: the latter can be assumed to be original text, the former alert the reader that your 'quote' has been altered.
Posted by IPJ on May 7, 2014 at 6:13 AM · Report this
28
I suspect that FLATWH was FLASH in the original letter. Dan had a right to substitute synonyms here.
Posted by FD1618 on May 7, 2014 at 6:20 AM · Report this
MythicFox 29
I don't think Dan's taking into account goths and ghost hunters in that last letter...
Posted by MythicFox on May 7, 2014 at 6:37 AM · Report this
30
Agree with @16 concerning cis, trans, natal, etc. Reminds me of the recently rerun Doonsbury strip where a birth is earnestly announced by the preschool aged sister as "it's a baby woman" Made me laugh out loud.
Posted by gonzo on May 7, 2014 at 6:56 AM · Report this
31
What FWB is discovering is the "90-day money back guarantee" period for casual relationships. When you start seeing a new casual partner, it takes about three months to decide whether they are a "keeper". If not, it fizzles, you or they get bored or annoyed or tempted away by someone else, and it ends, hopefully amicably. If none of those things happens, and that heady period of new-partner buzz starts to settle down and you still like that person, then (no) surprise! At least one of you is likely to develop feelings.

I would suggest FWB looks for women who are in poly relationships. If they already have a primary partner, they're less likely to want to get exclusive with you three months in. Sure, it means you have to share them and therefore have less of their time, but a low-key, part-time, secondary arrangement (or a few concurrent ones) could satisfy your desire for a relationship that isn't a relationship. Do you know how many bi women want a girl on the side? You could be the answer to our prayers!
Posted by BiDanFan on May 7, 2014 at 7:32 AM · Report this
32
DOA: Oh come now, the Internet has dating sites for people of every conceivable kink. Surely there are sites for totally kink-free people as well?
Posted by BiDanFan on May 7, 2014 at 7:33 AM · Report this
33
Frankly I find Dan's answer "Nope" to be a bit confusing; is he saying "Nope, I have no advice for you; you're a douchebag" or "Nope, I have no advice for you; do what you want"?
Posted by wayne on May 7, 2014 at 8:08 AM · Report this
34
"I was down for some traditional cheating"

Newt?
Is that you?
Posted by Tessiee on May 7, 2014 at 8:51 AM · Report this
35
The operative word, as Charles Nelson Reilly would say, is "reiterate". Someone who constantly finds herself having to reiterate a point of prime importance might be advised to examine how clearly and comprehensively she iterates the point in the first place.
Posted by vennominon on May 7, 2014 at 8:56 AM · Report this
Chelydra_serpentina 36
@6 - I know what square brackets are generally used for, I was just puzzled by their use in this particular letter.

Letters in advice columns are routinely edited for style, grammar, clarity, etc., but I don't think I've ever seen brackets (or ellipsis points) used to indicate where these edits have taken place. I've certainly never seen them used that way in Savage Love before. Writers/editors of advice columns just edit the letters to make them shorter or more coherent without using any punctuation to call attention to the fact. (For example, last week's letter from Gay Boy Problems, which was a heavily edited Letter of the Day.)

I thought it was possible the LW used offensive terms that Dan edited out without explanation (but somehow wanted to call attention to them with the brackets?), but it seems more Dan-like to reproduce the original offensive language and then point out how that kind of thing ain't cool.

The other possibility is that the LW just doesn't know how square brackets are actually used, and is giving the "Blog" of "Unnecessary" Quotation Marks an idea for a sister site.

Either way, it was just weird, and I can't believe how many people are obsessing over the actual content of this week's column and not the mysterious square brackets.
Posted by Chelydra_serpentina on May 7, 2014 at 9:02 AM · Report this
37
Mr Wayne - Perhaps it's a test of whether exercising his right as a dutiful married person not to advise poachers is constitutional. We must wait to see whether the single members of Ashley Madison looking to change their status will rise in protest.
Posted by vennominon on May 7, 2014 at 9:03 AM · Report this
Chelydra_serpentina 38
Whoops, that was @27.
Posted by Chelydra_serpentina on May 7, 2014 at 9:04 AM · Report this
39
"I want to have a couple of sex buddies or, preferably, a couple of friends with benefits."

What is the difference between a sex buddy and a friend with benefits?
Posted by LML on May 7, 2014 at 9:26 AM · Report this
40
The time to bring up liking to wear panties is BEFORE the engagement, not five years into the marriage. And bullshit that this desire just came up.
Posted by Marrena on May 7, 2014 at 9:27 AM · Report this
41
CLING: DTMFA

DOA: Remember "As Good As It Gets": "Every woman wants that, dear. [a normal boyfriend] It doesn't exist."
Posted by marilynsue on May 7, 2014 at 9:29 AM · Report this
42
@40, yes, PANTIES is a textbook case for what NOT to do when introducing a kink.

First off, mention it early, so that you maximize your chances of scaring off those who won't be able to go there and finding those who will love it.

Second, date someone kinky! Kinky people don't need someone who shares their exact kink if they can find someone who has a strong kink of their own: being GGG is about scratching each other's itches, not about one person always catering to the other person's demands. What has your wife already been doing for you, PANTIES, that gave you the idea she's GGG & open to new things? If you've been satisfying her kinks, I think you'd mention that to Dan, so I'm guessing she has been open to your other kinks, and you just kept pushing for more. You'd be better off trying to figure out what really turns her crank, rather than just pushing and pushing for what you want.

Third, if it turns out to be more important to you than you thought -- be honest with your partner. Don't call it a "small sexual interest" if you're going to be devastated not to get it.
Posted by EricaP on May 7, 2014 at 10:01 AM · Report this
43
LW1 Or find women who are in committed open relationships - their emotional needs are hopefully met elsewhere and so are going to be more into the NSA while still being regular hookups. Everyone's happy.
Posted by gnot on May 7, 2014 at 10:44 AM · Report this
44
FWB may want to consider dating married bi women. I don't want to leave my husband but if the right lesbian came along, I would be happy to have an ongoing sexual friendship with her.
Posted by wxPDX on May 7, 2014 at 11:13 AM · Report this
45
BBB, maybe if you came across as less of a selfish prick, you'd have better luck with the alleyway hook-ups with women who are down for some traditional cheating.
Posted by usagi on May 7, 2014 at 11:19 AM · Report this
46
@9: That might very well backfire.
Posted by Jackk on May 7, 2014 at 11:21 AM · Report this
47
@42 yes. I'm probably coming from a very restricted subpopulation of crossdressers, but in my experience crossdressing is NEVER a small sexual interest, unless the guy is a gay drag queen. It also seems to get stronger with age. It's also very commonly a no-go even for GGG women open to many other kinky things.

Also the LW's wife is probably worried that he secretly is gay or is wanting to ultimately transition to a trans woman. Silly, but that's the general picture a lot of women have about crossdressers thanks to Drag Race and the increased visibility of trans women (both good things, I might add).
Posted by Marrena on May 7, 2014 at 11:36 AM · Report this
Kevin_BGFH 48
@6 - Pretty sure it's #1. Dan substituted less offensive terms. I found myself trying to decide which more offensive option the LW chose.
Posted by Kevin_BGFH http://biggayfrathouse.typepad.com/blog/ on May 7, 2014 at 11:58 AM · Report this
49
@36, yeah, Dan makes major edits all the time and I think we can assume all advice columnists do. I wrote a letter once in which I said blowjobs and then sex. He heavily edited my letter to say "vaginal sex" every time I wrote sex. I thought it made my letter look pretty stupid, reading vaginal sex over and over and over again.

I think he definitely edited it this way to make it clear he was removing some sort of offensive language to make the letter writer look bad.
Posted by jtrue on May 7, 2014 at 12:17 PM · Report this
50
It is pretty obvious to me that FLA[TW]H intended her name to be FLASH; she was using an offensive term that Dan redacted (Hint: it starts with "sh" & rhymes with "female").
Posted by zusammen on May 7, 2014 at 12:18 PM · Report this
51
@29: Dan never said ALL the men at the graveyard would be kink-free!

@32: Pretty much all men (and most women) have SOME sort of interest that falls outside of standard missionary PIV with mild foreplay before and regulation spooning after.
Posted by RedStapler on May 7, 2014 at 12:22 PM · Report this
52
Are you seriously considering ending your marriage because you want sex while wearing women's underwear and she finds that a turnoff? That's not a fetish; it's an obsession.
Posted by GG1000 on May 7, 2014 at 12:36 PM · Report this
53
BBB: the only sensible advice anyone can give you is to forget about this girl. She has made it clear she doesn't want what you want - the end. What's the alternative - keep nagging her? This is someone you work with. That's how people find themselves on the wrong end of a sexual harrassment suit. There are other fish in the sea; move on.
Posted by maxine34 on May 7, 2014 at 12:36 PM · Report this
54
Figured anyone who started a letter with "the sitch" would be a douche-bag. Was not surprised that writer turned out to be one.
Posted by LMNOP on May 7, 2014 at 12:38 PM · Report this
55
Why is your husband having sexual interest in trans women more threatening than him having sexual interest in other women who aren't trans? it's still the same issue - he either will or he won't cheat. You can't possibly satisfy all of his desires so you have to trust that your relationship's more important to him that transitory satisfaction of various sexual desires.
Posted by GG1000 on May 7, 2014 at 12:48 PM · Report this
gr8lakesgrrl 56
I think DOA's question needs more background information before we can properly respond, what does she consider an odd request? Oral? Pulling out the trunk full of bondage toys on the first date? One woman's "yes, please!" is another woman's "run away!"
Posted by gr8lakesgrrl on May 7, 2014 at 12:52 PM · Report this
AFinch 57
"Nope" "Graveyards," and "I'm intolerable and you should break up with me"...just love these!!!! Jeeze, definitely love the last one. Life is too short.
Posted by AFinch on May 7, 2014 at 12:57 PM · Report this
58
That last one could have come right from the desk of Ann Landers if she were still sitting in it!
Posted by RealityBites on May 7, 2014 at 12:59 PM · Report this
59
@36 No great mystery: Dan's been glitter-bombed. Some in the trans community have taken great exception to things he's said or written. Dan resents those accusations, since he is in truth a great ally to the trans community, but Dan also feels empathy for the hyper-sensitivity of some members of some downtrodden groups.

Note bisexuals for another example.

Therefore, partly out of genuine respect for a given downtrodden group that has taken exception at this or that blunt statement he's made, and partly as a cheeky means of mocking that hyper-sensitivity, he'll occasionally bend over backwards to show his awareness of the language and issues pertaining to a given downtrodden group.

Thus his use of brackets in this column: partly it is sincere desire to be respectful, and to model appropriate language, and partly a poke at those members of the trans community who have glitter-bombed him in self-righteous outrage toward Dan sometimes favoring a joke or a blunt response over the oh-so-perfectly sensitive mincing that butt-sore types insist is the only acceptable option when speaking of a given downtrodden group.
Posted by Functional Atheist on May 7, 2014 at 1:47 PM · Report this
60
FLATWH: What is the relevance of your fiancé's having been in jail to the rest of your problem?
Posted by milkshake on May 7, 2014 at 2:02 PM · Report this
61
@33: I read Dan's "Nope." as 'She already gave you what amounts to a perfectly reasonable Price Of Admission, given her "sitch." And you turned it down. So, nope, dude, you are screwed.'

In case that doesn't explain it in sufficient detail, there is also: "Nope, no advice for you because you are too stupid, douchey, and unabashedly self-centered to take advice. You're the asshole who apparently doesn't want to take into consideration the concerns of any other participant in the scenario: not the girl's, not the boyfriend's, the only desires that count are yours. "Because yeah, I'm that guy" is way, way more appropriate to describe you than you will ever have the self-awareness to figure out on your own.'
Posted by avast2006 on May 7, 2014 at 2:19 PM · Report this
Rev. Adam McKinney 62
@6 Regarding the mysterious brackets, it seems pretty clear that he edited out an offensive term she was using. Judging by the way she organized her acronym, and what word she might have been trying to spell out (probably "FLASH"), I'd say that the offending word she was using was what happens when you combine "she" and "male." Just a hunch.
Posted by Rev. Adam McKinney http://weeklyvolcano.com on May 7, 2014 at 3:51 PM · Report this
63
39--

A sex buddy is someone you know only casually, more of an acquaintance, that you have sex with.

A friend with benefits is a friend, someone you talk with, laugh with, drink with, would do a favor for, and with whom you also have sex.

If the sexual component of the buddy relationship goes, there isn't much else. The two of you could run into each other on the street and not have anything much to say.

If the sexual component of the benefits relationship goes, you're still good friends. You'd want to keep in touch if one of you moved out of town, would want to skype, be concerned about one another's families, and do all the things friends do for one another, have all the emotions that go with friends. You don't have the "in love" emotions, and there's no movement towards commitment.
Posted by Crinoline on May 7, 2014 at 4:02 PM · Report this
keshmeshi 64
@6,

My guess is that she had written "she-male", since that seems to be the term used in porn. (Unsurprisingly, porn isn't politically correct.)
Posted by keshmeshi on May 7, 2014 at 4:43 PM · Report this
65
BBB, I wouldn't take her up on it because I suspect she may be planning some really unpleasant humiliation for you 'cause she's stuck working with your douchey ass and is sick to death of you. It's actually a bit of an achievement to manage to come across as such a twit in so few sentences.
Posted by GG1000 on May 7, 2014 at 4:44 PM · Report this
66
Marrena[40],

People often get kinkier as they grow older. He may have long dreamed of this, but it was not the prime focus. When you engage, you are not obligated to declare every dream.
Posted by Hunter78 on May 7, 2014 at 5:29 PM · Report this
67
@66 I am willing to wager a reasonable sum of money that the letter writer in question has been at least occasionally beating off while wearing articles of women's clothing since he was a teen. Other kinks start when you are older, but I've never heard of crossdressing being in that category.
Posted by Marrena on May 7, 2014 at 5:53 PM · Report this
68
WRO,

(needs direct clitoral stimulation)

Browse around for cock rings. Some have embellishments for hitting the clit.
Posted by Hunter78 on May 7, 2014 at 5:55 PM · Report this
69
PANTIES,

Many het women have deep fear of hooking with a gay man. They may be gay sympathetic, but they want their bf 100% het. Male lingerie definitely challenges that. I'm afraid you'll have to give up on this, if you want to keep her. Maybe if you're good enough a lover, she'll bring it up. She won't forget. But that's it, except for cheating.
Posted by Hunter78 on May 7, 2014 at 6:07 PM · Report this
70
It appears that I am somewhat alone in my opinion that "it's just clothes, it's not like anyone's getting hurt". Hmm.
Posted by hurrdahurr on May 7, 2014 at 6:28 PM · Report this
nocutename 71
Letter from FLATWH with original language in italics and translations in boldface, for your reading comprehension:

"My question concerns my fiancé. He is 35 years old. Between the ages of 20 and 30, he was in and out of jail. He has admitted to me that while in prison, he had sex with a tranny. (TRANSLATION: I know that men typically have sex with other men while in prison, and that, coupled with the fact that he had sex with a person who has a penis, makes me wonder if he's really gay.)

I know he loves having sex with real women, but I found out that he watches she-male porn. He says he is just looking, but I know he masturbates to this shit. (TRANSLATION: more evidence that he might be gay.)

To be fair, he watches tons of porn featuring real women. A lot. He loves watching real women and having sex with real women. (TRANSLATION: so maybe he's not gay.)

My worry is that he wants to have sex with trannies/she-males. (TRANSLATION: which I think would make him gay. Because dicks.)

Is this a legitimate worry? He doesn't watch gay porn. I just want to make sure of everything if we are going to be married. (TRANSLATION: I'm a homophobic, transphobic, ignorant, scared bigot who can't bring myself to actually, you know, talk to the man I intend to spend the rest of my life with.)"

****************************************************************************************

Yes, those square brackets are there to highlight what a contemptible person the lw is (and maybe to show Dan to be more enlightened than the glitter-bombing crowd wants to give him credit for. And milkshake @60, the reference to prison time is because the lw is pretty worried that her fiancé got a taste for dick, i.e. a taste for teh gay while in prison. In other words, he was "turned."
More...
Posted by nocutename on May 7, 2014 at 6:44 PM · Report this
72
Clothes are all about self-expression. And reading those expressions.
Posted by Hunter78 on May 7, 2014 at 6:50 PM · Report this
73
@57 AFinch: LOL! Ain't that the truth?
Posted by auntie grizelda on May 7, 2014 at 8:59 PM · Report this
74
Yet another Grizwatch update: today my gynecologist offered me some revealing news: I do indeed have endometriosis. Evidently, there is a little clump, luckily non-cancerous, way up inside me that she saw a little too late---right before surgery---and when it was too late to ask for my consent to a biopsy.
Good news: I am now on additional nightly progesterone medication, and this is supposed to help me sleep at night and relieve the 'vaginal and uterine walls wrapped in excruciating razor-sharp barbed wire' pains I have been experiencing between menses and ovulation. First dose is tonight, so, cross your fingers, folks, and we'll see if the exorcism is fully complete.
It's still cheaper than a full-fledged hysterectomy, which my doc and I agree is needless with my insides being as healthy as they are otherwise.
Posted by auntie grizelda on May 7, 2014 at 9:46 PM · Report this
75
FLA[TW]H also has a problem trusting and/or communicating with the guy she intends to marry.

She should work on that side of things as well as updating her language and examining her homophobia.

DON'T rush the wedding.
Posted by trust issues on May 7, 2014 at 11:08 PM · Report this
ShifterCat 76
@Auntie Grizelda: my sympathies. I've got endometriosis as well, though nowhere near as bad a case (no pain or anything, but it's interfering with attempts to get pregnant).
Posted by ShifterCat on May 7, 2014 at 11:15 PM · Report this
ShifterCat 77
The best thing I can say about BBB is that he admits to being "that guy".
Posted by ShifterCat on May 7, 2014 at 11:20 PM · Report this
78
Quality fish oil can help with endo symptoms.
Posted by Marrena on May 8, 2014 at 3:49 AM · Report this
79
nocutename-- I don't think it is fair to call the letter writer homophobic and a bigot because she is uncomfortable with her husband to be's attraction to trans-women.
For me, the biggest part of sexual excitement is the feeling that my partner is excited by me. I do not want to spend my life with a partner who had a major attraction to men, or trans-women as I could never fulfill that desire for them. Frankly, I have lots of other parameters for lifetime partner too- for example, tall is important to me. That doesn't make me bigoted against the short, just not sexually attracted to short.
Posted by DeirdreTours on May 8, 2014 at 5:48 AM · Report this
80
Ms Deirdre - Being uncomfortable with a fiance's particular attraction may not necessarily be a Go Directly to Bigotry Card (Do Not Pass Mr Savage; Do Not Collect Enlightenment), but I think we can safely say that LW, whose language had to be replaced nine times in one short letter, isn't going to be Ally of the Year anytime soon.

I'll leave the rest.
Posted by vennominon on May 8, 2014 at 6:57 AM · Report this
nocutename 81
@79 (DeirdreTours): I didn't call the lw a homophobic, transphobic bigot because she's uncomfortable with her husband-to-be's attraction to transwomen; I called her that because of the words I guessed at (I think pretty accurately), replaced by Dan with the square-bracketed ones.
Posted by nocutename on May 8, 2014 at 7:10 AM · Report this
82
hurrdahurr @70, for some men it's just clothes; for other men it changes what they want sexually, from PIV to wanting to be pegged most of the time. If they want to dress fully, but are closeted, it can also mean staying home a lot talking about outfits and makeup, which isn't necessarily what PANTIES' wife wants out of life. I'm glad it worked out well for you; when it doesn't work out well, that's not always due to wifely bigotry or intransigence.
Posted by EricaP on May 8, 2014 at 9:56 AM · Report this
83
re FLATWH, I could have written the letter five years ago, before I was reading SL and before I knew crossdressers and openly trans people. (Assuming I'd seen my husband jerking off to such porn, and leaving aside the prison issue.)

I remember using the term "she-male" to describe that kind of porn, and I remember reading Dan using the term to describe that kind of porn.
http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Savag…

Using the term today means that you're not in touch with the LGBT community, and you certainly don't see yourself as an Ally of a movement you don't even know exists. But it doesn't make you more transphobic than the average American.

What's her question, after all?
>> My worry is that he wants to have sex with [trans women]. Is this a legitimate worry? >>

It seems to me, that the answer depends on the meaning of the word "want" -- of course he wants it with his animal brain; it gets him off. She already knows that and is prepared to marry him anyway. But is he actually likely to have sex with other women (trans or not) if the LW marries him? Well, as nocutename says, that's really something she should ask him, as part of a conversation about their values. The same conversation Dan tells us we should all have before marriage: can we agree on how to value monogamy in the event that one of us is tempted by outside sex?
Posted by EricaP on May 8, 2014 at 10:21 AM · Report this
84
To the lesbian: we lesbians actually have a special solution to your problem and it's called sleeping with bisexuals.

I was in a similar situation to yours a couple years ago, just out of a years-long first relationship/wanted some time to myself. I remember a lesbian I hooked up with wanted me to meet her parents after like 3 weeks. I remember slowly backing out of her apt.

Then I stumbled into a FWB situation with a bisexual woman. Was fun, not super serious, and neither of us found ourselves navigating to uhaul.com at any point.
Posted by LRH21 on May 8, 2014 at 10:57 AM · Report this
85
@60 What is the relevance of your fiancé's having been in jail to the rest of your problem?

The absence of cis women in jail. A straight guy who has sex with men, or trans women, in an all-male prison may just have been making do with the only partners available; one watching trans porn isn't limited to that option.

@70: It appears that I am somewhat alone in my opinion that "it's just clothes, it's not like anyone's getting hurt". Hmm.

That has to run both ways: if she objects to lingerie and "it's just clothes" then forgoing them shouldn't be a big deal to him.
Posted by IPJ on May 8, 2014 at 11:09 AM · Report this
86
@LRH21,
sure, because never in the history of humanity a bisexual woman fell in love with a lesbian. *rolls eyes*

@LW1, just be honest about what you want and cut things off as soon as you notice the other girl may be getting the wrong idea.
Posted by Blackwood on May 8, 2014 at 1:30 PM · Report this
87
@79 I agree that it's not fair to call the letter writer homophobic and transphobic when we only know the letter writer is biphobic and transphobic. Not wanting a gay partner doesn't mean you are homophobic. But the letter writer is a vastly blatant bigot, and you are a little dim. Having a partner who is attracted to people who look different than you do does not mean you can't ever fully satisfy them. Me, I like guys with brown eyes and guys with blue eyes and guys with green eyes and guys with hazel eyes and guys with grey eyes and maybe some other colors as well. But I've never felt unsatisfied with a partner because I didn't have a full set of eye colors. And if someone dumped me because I also like guys with other colors of eyes, I'd think they were also kind of dim - like you are. But the letter writer is a bigot, not just dim, because the letter writer doesn't consider transwomen to be women. She's also clearly afraid of having a bi partner, which is stupid on two counts. One, see eye color example. Two, transwomen are women. Her letter boils down to, I'm afraid that my fiance for a mixed-sex wedding might be sexually attracted to women. Umm, yeah, isn't that what you were looking for in a man? The only question is, can you trust him to not cheat. And there is absolutely zero difference in that likelihood based on whether he is attracted to transwomen or only ciswomen. That's all about what sort of person he is, of which the letter writer gives no indication.
Posted by uncreative on May 8, 2014 at 1:34 PM · Report this
88
M? Un @87 - If you're going to parse homophobia so finely, I shall return the gesture and suggest that you only get biphobia if LW regards trans women as men. In that case, she would treat porn involving the women in question as either full-on MM porn or at least a subset thereof, which she does not. Now, if I may venture into emulating the youngsters who maintain that adhering to the bi group entails buying into the gender binary (that was deliberate), if you want to call her panphobic, that seems fair.

While LW is highly objectionable, it was Ms Deirdre who advanced the dubious reason for not wanting a bi partner. But I thank you for addressing that portion of her post.
Posted by vennominon on May 8, 2014 at 3:43 PM · Report this
89
@WRO -- Don't listen to Dan, or any other human who tells you that you should be happy that you're getting any orgasms at all. That's bullshit. It's your body and you can make it cum however you want it to. Humans are capable of orgasming with zero physical stimulation (wet dreams as evidence), which means if you wanna come doggy style with no hands, you totally can.

Check out a book called the O-Loop. It is a life changer.
Posted by PinkieB on May 8, 2014 at 3:54 PM · Report this
90
@88 Exactly. Her biphobia only shows through because she is transphobic. If she weren't transphobic, we wouldn't be able to realize she was biphobic.

Also, the argument against the term "bi" is pretty much exclusively one used by the misguided (or, perhaps the deliberately malicious). People who are bisexual are attracted to those who have the same gender that they do and also those who have a different
gender than they do = two different options. It is in no way transphobic. It is, in fact, the terms homosexual and heterosexual that are potentially problematic for those who are transgender. Since if you are not on the gender binary, then you generally don't have a sexual orientation that helps to communicate who you like to date in that system unless you are also bisexual. For example, I am nongender, but I am attracted to men (and possibly other genderqueer people, in theory, but I don't know as I haven't met enough of them. I am probably attracted to less than 1% of all men I meet, and I haven't met that many genderqueer people, so the fact that I've never been attracted to them is statistically fairly meaningless. I can pretty clearly say though that I am not attracted to ciswomen.) Technically, this makes me... well, you could say "heterosexual" since I am not a man and I am attracted to men. So, I am attracted to those who are different from me. But I'd also be heterosexual were I only attracted to women. Or if I were attracted to men and women but not genderqueer folks. So, it doesn't really work. But if I were attracted regardless of gender, then I could be bi, and it'd both make sense and communicate correctly. We just pick on bisexuals because they are an easy target, so why not blame them for the gender problems inherent in the system?

Also, yes, I was aware it was only DeirdreTours making the bizarre argument that you can't satisfy someone unless you can morph into the all of the body types that they find to be attractive, which nobody can do unless someone has very limited attraction. That is why I was replying to her and addressed my reply that way.
More...
Posted by uncreative on May 8, 2014 at 4:17 PM · Report this
91
M! Un - As I use the ? for lack of clarification, I have decided to change yours to an exclamation point.

Unfortunately, I suspect this is as far as we can go on this one in good faith, as we'll never agree on the parameters. I'll grant you that I don't disagree with your parameters leading to your conclusion of automatic biphobia, but we're not going to make any further productive headway here.
Posted by vennominon on May 8, 2014 at 6:31 PM · Report this
92
@76 ShifterCat: Thank you for your kind empathy and support.
Actually, the razor-sharp off-and-back-on-with-a-vengence vaginal / uterine pains have only struck me within the past year or so. I guess this REDRUM evil has been a long time comin'. Beware of the True Knot, Rose the Hat, and Mrs. Massey!
So far, MUCH better, though: after my first dosage last night, I slept like a baby, didn't hurt at all today, and if this cycle is anything like last month's amazingly normal period, I'll declare myself home-free after 37 years of bloody hell.
@78 Marrena: Thanks! That's an option I haven't tried yet.
Posted by auntie grizelda on May 8, 2014 at 8:38 PM · Report this
sissoucat 93
@WRO

You know how you orgasm, and you do orgasm. So what pushes you to fake it when you don't ?

You're no less of a worthy woman if there's only one way you can orgasm, for now. You're just a real, normal woman, not a fake magazine one. And as PinkieB has said, you may eventually learn to orgasm through different ways. But you won't through faking.

Ask yourself : what would you think of a male partner who'd tell you, he'd like the finish to be when he's on top, because it's the only way he can come ?

And : what would you think of the same exact guy, if instead of being open with his particularity, he'd go through all the motions and sounds of coming even when he's not on top, but only when he's on top, the condom has any semen in it ?

Don't be the faking partner. The only people who don't give a shit whether their partner is reduced/manipulated into faking it are people you should run away from : psychopaths and egoistical assholes.
Posted by sissoucat on May 9, 2014 at 1:35 AM · Report this
sissoucat 94
@auntie grizelda

Glad that you've been diagnosed, and getting more comfort out of a better-adapted medication !

Re : crossdressing,

Not all hetero women have an instant rejection to it. I find it a pretty harmless and endearing kink. I don't whether I qualify for GGG-ness, but for me even constant crossdressing is a very long way from being a kink too far.
Posted by sissoucat on May 9, 2014 at 1:45 AM · Report this
sissoucat 95
@EricaP : about lesbians and me on another thread.

I've never met any woman who expressed even a fledging flirting interest in me. If that had happened, believe me I would have helped the flirting going along, since I'm curious as a cat.

In fact, I've only met/known one open lesbian in my 20s, and she was in a relationship at the time and so was I, and I'm not the "breaking established relationships just out of curiosity" type.

And I wouldn't go if uninvited to lesbian places or bars, just out of satisfying a curiosity, it seems too disrespectful, since I don't actually get hot for women.
Posted by sissoucat on May 9, 2014 at 3:13 AM · Report this
nocutename 96
@83 (EricaP) and others:
I don't think FLATWH is biphobic, nor do I think she's afraid her husband-to-be is interested in sleeping with other women; I used the word "homophobic" because from the language omitted in her letter and the substitutes Dan used, it seems to me that she regards transwomen as men. For her penis = man; if her guy had sex with a penis-haver, he had sex with a man, i.e. he had gay sex. Therefore, mightn't he be gay himself? If he watches porn that features two performers, both of whom have penises, in her view, he's watching some sort of gay or at least gay-ish porn. Therefore, could he really want to have sex with a man?
Alternately, she is worried that he wants to have sex with a transwoman only. But I don't think that is a true example of biphobia, either in the lw's mind, or in the real world.

EricaP, as for her being not more bigoted than the general population, perhaps so. But she wrote to Dan Savage; presumably she's at least a little familiar with his column, viewpoints, and readership.
Posted by nocutename on May 9, 2014 at 7:44 AM · Report this
97
@94 no one said all hetero women reject it. But hurrdahurr suggested it was no big deal, and in some circumstances, for some couples, it does turn out to be a big deal. Sometimes because the woman is prejudiced, but sometimes because it becomes his main interest and it's a turn-off for her. So they're just no longer compatible.

@95, if you're serious about wanting to meet lesbians, then there are plenty of LGBT spaces which are open to allies. You might go hear some LGBT musicians, for instance, or attend local Pride events and introduce yourself to people.

@96, yes. She is where she is (and I was there five years ago) and I think she is on the path to educating herself, which is a good thing.

Posted by EricaP on May 9, 2014 at 9:36 AM · Report this
98
Re: crossdressing: This is like my problem with men with long hair on men. There are just very few men who look hot to me with long hair. The same goes for women's lingerie. When I'm with a guy, I don't want him to look femme (hell, I'm usually not attracted to femme-looking women either). There's nothing wrong with femme-looking guys, objectively. I'm just very definitely not attracted to them. That's what's meant by a "libido killer."

For FWB: I don't know if anyone else has mentioned this, but the best way to have fuckbuddies is to have 2-3 at the same time and rotate them. If you spend too much time per week with one person, someone is bound to start developing feelings. You shouldn't be seeing any one fuckbuddy more than once a week, and even that's pushing it. Ideal spacing is once every two weeks.

However, the suggestions to find women who are in open relationships is a good one. Hell, my dream is to find a lesbian couple who likes threesomes. It's not an unreasonable goal, and if you're only looking for one girl, that's a lot easier. Just throw it up on your OKCupid profile or whatever you have that you're open to dating girls in open relationships.
Posted by alguna_rubia on May 9, 2014 at 12:03 PM · Report this
sissoucat 99
@EricaP Thanks.
Posted by sissoucat on May 9, 2014 at 12:04 PM · Report this
100
@14: I'm pretty sure post-op trans people are unnatural by any definition.

It would be counterproductive to get your knickers in a knot about it, however. After all, knickers and knots are also unnatural. If you think "unnatural" is a bad word, don't get medicine or wear glasses or read or wear clothes. The sane among us--including the trans sane--recognise that technology makes life better.
Posted by something on May 9, 2014 at 4:11 PM · Report this
101
Ms Cute - LW did say, "He doesn't watch gay porn." If she regarded trans women as men, she'd have included "any other". If she regarded trans women as not-quite-men, she'd have included "real" (as she did elsewhere). This leaves her as regarding trans women as not-quite-women, and M! Un's charge of biphobia as valid only if one's definition of bisexuality requires only being attracted to two genders (or nongenders) of a wide spectrum without a requirement that one of them must be one's own. I don't think that's a politically viable concession, which means that, while I am perfectly ready to beleive that LW harbors a good many sexual prejudices that reach the bar for -phobic, the most accurate addition that we can consider proved beyond reasonable doubt to her being transphobic would seem to be something like duophobic.
Posted by vennominon on May 9, 2014 at 6:17 PM · Report this
102
Ms Erica - You might have used one or two of LW's words once or twice, but you wouldn't have required nine deletions or presented such a nasty tone. I appreciate and can almost honour your impulse to defend her, but about the only excuse I can devise for this letter is that LW believed trans criticisms of Mr Savage and thought him to share her prejudices; that is perhaps as close as one can come to the flavour of the letter.
Posted by vennominon on May 9, 2014 at 6:24 PM · Report this
103
I just wish she were responding here so we could maybe help her figure things out a little.
Posted by EricaP on May 9, 2014 at 6:39 PM · Report this
104
That's a very kind thought. Dormez bien.
Posted by vennominon on May 9, 2014 at 9:43 PM · Report this
nocutename 105
Mr. Ven (@101): You're right: she does differentiate between gay porn and porn featuring transwomen.
So I guess she's afraid that her fiancé is more interested in transwomen than in her, and she fears being cheated on with a transwoman.
Posted by nocutename on May 9, 2014 at 9:43 PM · Report this
106
@-16 now you're just being obtuse, there is a very clear sex of a newborn baby and its not "assigned" it's simply observed.
Posted by Ankleyosaur on May 10, 2014 at 4:33 AM · Report this
107
@106, around 1 in every 1,500 babies is born with genitals that cannot easily be classified as male or female.
http://www.apa.org/topics/lgbt/intersex.…
Posted by EricaP on May 10, 2014 at 8:57 AM · Report this
108
@84 sissoucat: Thanks! It's always so nice to hear from you and so many others.

The added progesterone seems to be doing the trick---no more Rose the Hat or Christine Hargenson rearing their ugly heads. Yaaay!

Posted by auntie grizelda on May 10, 2014 at 5:27 PM · Report this
109
Oops----I meant @94 sissoucat! Sorry.
Posted by auntie grizelda on May 10, 2014 at 5:28 PM · Report this
110
Shame on Dan and his Savage minions for not commenting on drag queen Conchita Wurst winning the Eurovision Song Contest.
Posted by Hunter78 on May 11, 2014 at 2:52 AM · Report this
111
@110--You don't count as a minion?
Posted by LateBloomer on May 11, 2014 at 9:21 AM · Report this
Holmes 112
@9: That might not work. If you "state your terms", what do you do if BBB eagerly accepts?
Posted by Holmes on May 11, 2014 at 11:33 AM · Report this
sissoucat 113
@110 Hunter sweetie : Conchita Wurst winning was the highlight of my day. So we have tastes in common, do we ?

@auntie grizelda : nice !
Posted by sissoucat on May 11, 2014 at 12:04 PM · Report this
114
Sis,

Sorry, I can't claim to be an actual fan, as I've never listened to her. I've followed the story only over political news channels.

For those not familiar with it, the Eurovision Song Fest is an American Idol-like contest, except the contestants are all national champions representing their own countries (Wurst is from Austria). The contestants can sing any songs they like, including classical, rock, folk, but mostly the tunes are pop, which explains my lack of interest in the actual singing. It's been running since 1956, one of the world's longest running TV shows. Nowadays viewers vote by internet. I would say the only past winners most Americans would recognize are ABBA and Celine Dione (posing as a Swiss).

There's always a lot of low level politicking going on. With Wurst, there were pro-diversity and anti-Putin strains involved. Putin has responded by declaring Wurst's win proof of Europe's decadence.

Late,

By "minions" I meant mostly the staff who keep thestranger.com website going.

Didn't Dan have a drag queen phase?
Posted by Hunter78 on May 12, 2014 at 5:41 AM · Report this
115
@113 sissoucat: Thanks, again! It is indeed, blessedly nice. While I do still have some menstrual-related body aches, the majority is only minor now.
The heavy bleeding is definitely gone, and hopefully permanently. If this good fortune keeps up, I'll be wearing white shorts on my Big 5-0!

@114 Hunter78: Dan did have a drag phase at one time, but I haven't seen any pictures. I have seen totally buff photos of Dan, and of his husband, Terry, in Speedos--Oof!

Dan? Are there any of your drag photos available?
Posted by auntie grizelda on May 12, 2014 at 12:48 PM · Report this
116
Ms Grizelda - Please don't appropriate. And I go both ways on this. I don't approve of LG>S appropriation any more than the other way around, even though the perpetrators aren't the ones with the privilege.

I probably wouldn't say anything if I had not very recently read a very nasty article written by a woman completely justifying in her own eyes her writing lesbian fiction that just happens to use all male characters because women's bodies are so completely devalued, going on to state that gay men have no business whatsoever reading MM fiction, which is almost entirely written BY women and FOR women ONLY.

Mr Hunter - I am in the ranks of those who object to European competitions that do not allow Scotland an independent entry. No wonder poor Eve Muirhead and her curlers did so poorly in the Olympics - having won worlds as Scotland and then having to curl under the British flag. The only good I can think of to come of such an arrangement is that Ms Robson would never have had an Olympic medal from London.
Posted by vennominon on May 12, 2014 at 2:08 PM · Report this
117
@116: ven: Okay---I have absolutely no clue whatsoever what you're even talking about! What does this even have to do with Dan Savage, Terry Miler, or any photos either or both of them or anyone else is in?
Dan once mentioned having photos of himself in drag, if that's what's got your BVDs in a tailspin, and I was only curious after reading Hunter78's comment.

Moving right along....
sez Bugs Bunny:: Nyeeeeeeeeeeeeaaahhhhhhh,........NEXT!
Posted by auntie grizelda on May 12, 2014 at 3:09 PM · Report this
Registered European 118
@117 http://www.thestranger.com/slog/archives…

(as usual, I have no idea what vennominon is trying to say)
Posted by Registered European on May 14, 2014 at 11:20 AM · Report this
119
@118 Registered European: Thanks for sharing the link featuring Dan as Helvetica Bold!
Yeah---lately, I'm a bit puzzled by vennominon's comments, too.

Dan, I LOVE it! Great photos!
Posted by auntie grizelda on May 18, 2014 at 9:46 PM · Report this
120
I just wanted to reassure FWB that she's not an asshole for restating her desire to not get into a relationship (assuming "relationship" means monogamous dating instead of a friends with benefits relationship, of course). I was on the receiving end of a "I'm not interested in a relationship" conversation after falling for my friends with benefits and asking him if he was interested in something more.

It sucked to know he didn't feel the same, but I couldn't fault him for having the same position he always had when I was the one who's feelings had shifted. And after taking about it (and reassuring each other than no one was mad or offended) we continued to have a very satisfying friends with benefits relationship for months afterwards.

As she has always been clear about her desires and restates those desires with kindness and caring, FWB has nothing to feel bad about.
Posted by I've been there and you're not an asshole on May 21, 2014 at 11:30 PM · Report this
121
Re CLING and long distance in general:

You sound like me.

As a long-time emotionally unavailable person who sought out emotionally unavailable people to be unavailable with me until we couldn't stand it anymore, the most tenable relationships for our types are long distance.

So ask yourself these two questions before getting into LDRs:
1. Am I emotionally unavailable? What are my patterns/traumas/parent issues?
2. Am I committed to being available enough to swim into the shark-infested LDR waters of unavailable people? Do I really want to try those odds?

Maybe you should move/quit your job/confront your issues instead of distracting yourself from reality with relationships that will keep emotionally beating the shit out of you (I promise).

Also, check out the blog Baggage Reclaim. It's probably about you.
Posted by TangerineDream on June 23, 2014 at 5:41 PM · Report this

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