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Peace of Meat
August 20, 2009
Tools
I just turned 20 and have been out of the closet for a year. A lesbian friend wants to hook me up with her gay friend, let's call him Kyle, a cute, fit boy who runs track and does theater. The issue is, he's just 17 and starting his senior year in high school, while I am entering my junior year in college. The age of consent where we live is 16. I realize the age difference is not too big, but he is technically still a minor. I'm only mildly experienced (I've had just one boyfriend), and I'd like to think I'm a nice guy.
Are there certain things to keep in mind besides the usual respect and honesty, or should I treat this as any other potential meeting? Does the "campsite" rule apply with such a small age gap?
Man In Need Of Recommendation
Meet the boy.
If you hit it off, MINOR, it would be a shame if you didn't allow Kyle to benefit from your wisdom, experience, and cock just because he wasn't born 12 months earlier. And if you start going steady—which is what kids used to do before hooking up ruined everything—and he's out to his family, I would urge you to meet his parents. They might not be entirely comfortable with their son's sexuality, and meeting the college boy who's boning their son might be awkward. But if you go out of your way to reassure them about your intentions toward their son—above and beyond boning—they may feel a bit more at ease about the relationship.
As for the campsite rule—"leave him in better shape than you found him"—others have pointed out that the rule should apply regardless of age, sexuality, species, etc. I agree, of course, but I still believe that older, wiser, and more experienced partners have a special responsibility to leave their sex partners in better shape than they found them and should be encouraged to make a special effort.
I'm 35, gay, and in a six-year relationship. My husband—not really, but I call him that anyway—is 38, and we have a great relationship. We have been monogamous up till now but are open to inviting select others into our bed. This was prompted by a friend we recently made whom we both find attractive and who has expressed an interest in us both. He is 24, cute, and just starting out in Gaydom. We don't expect anything long-term, just a nice, mellow friend-with-benefits scenario.
Any suggestions as to issues we might want to discuss up front?
Good Gay Guys
Tell the 24-year-old not to expect anything long-term, GGG, and let him know that while you will be treating him like a piece of meat, you will also be treating him like a human being. Make sure he understands that his presence in your lives—and your bed—is meant to be fun and temporary. You two get to spice it up with some strange; he gets to benefit from your wisdom, experience, and cocks. And tell him that while he'll have a blast with you two, he shouldn't pass on a date with a potential boyfriend—but so long as you three are friends-with-benefiting-it-up, you would like to be informed about any other sexual contacts he might have.
Then show him the ropes, teach him about sexual safety, encourage him to open up to you guys about anything he's ever wanted to try, help him find his place in Gaydom, and when it comes to an end—as it will and should—make an effort to remain friends.
I am a gay male. A couple of months ago, I developed a friendship with a gay married couple. We hit it off great—I really enjoy their company. Then they took me aside and "invited" me into their marriage, and so now I'm in one of those "polyamorous" groups. I have never been in one before.
I thought I would be able to open myself up to both of them, but for some reason I can't seem to feel love for them both at the same time. I've always seen myself as a strict-monogamy kind of guy. I thought a three-way would be fun, but when I'm with two guys, I feel like I'm just a piece of meat. I would like some advice, if you could, please. I feel inadequate because I can't feel comfortable in this relationship.
Feel Like A Prude
So... after knowing you for two months, this couple essentially proposed to you, inviting you "into their marriage," and you accepted. Hmm. Exit this marriage at once, FLAP. Not because you're a prude—clearly you're open to trying new things—but because at two months, they were idiots to propose and you were an idiot to accept.
Backing up: Trying something and not liking it doesn't mean that you're a prude, FLAP, it only means that either "it" wasn't for you or you tried "it" with the wrong person(s). I suspect the latter in this case. If these guys, after two months, had invited you to hang out with them, to roll around with them, to drop by twice a week for a leisurely spit roasting, I suspect you would've had a better experience, FLAP. Inviting you over to be treated like a piece of meat—and a human being—would've been honest. You couldn't be a husband and in love with both of them equally at two months. Their unreasonable expectations, and your attempt to live up to them, ruined what could've been a nice little affair.
I'm a gay dude who has been trying to find an all-natural and organic lube. The only one my hubby and I liked was a brand called Bliss, but alas, they stopped making it. When I try to look online or at the local co-op, the only all-natural sex lubricants I can find all say something to the effect of "closest possible to a woman's natural vaginal fluids." I have two problems with this. Problem number one: eeewwwww. Problem number two: When I have sampled these just-like-vaginal-fluids lubes, they seem very thin. A healthy bout of anal sex needs something with a bit more viscosity. Is there an all-natural lube out there that doesn't quickly dry out and washes off easily? Some friends keep suggesting vegetable oils, but I don't want to have to wash off my junk with Dawn after sex.
Lubing Up Butts Environmentally Safely
"Not that vaginal juices are eeewwwww-ey," says Rachel Venning, cofounder of Babeland, one of my favorite sex-toy shops. "But I don't want a jar of them on my nightstand either. I want something that stays slick longer, like packaged lube."
Babeland makes its own organic lube, a water-based lube called Naked that's thick, latex-safe, and good for butt play. "It comes in totally ungendered, nonplastic packaging," Venning adds, making it perfect for squeamish-about-girl-bits fags like you and me, LUBES. "Another new brand of organic lube to try is Sliguid Organics Gel. There is a teeny-tiny women's symbol in the logo, but if that isn't too much of a turnoff for this man-loving man, it's good stuff."
Vegetable oils aren't condom-safe, of
course, but if you and your partner are seroconcordant and having anal
sex with only each other, Venning suggested "some natural unguent from
the beauty aisle—shea-butter balm or the like. Not as slippery as
lube but lasts longer." 
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.
This article has been updated since its original publication.
Feh, you and your fear of girl bits...
It's made for internal use as an oral or douche laxative, is tasteless, odorless, and smoother than most veggie oils. It's virtually hypo-allergenic. Also, it's VERY inexpensive, and works well for massage. It does not dry out, but does get absorbed a little. Just add a dab more. Did I mention it's tasteless and odorless...?
It's easy to apply, via a plastic squeeze bottle.
It's not recommended for comdom use, but is less destructive than veggie oils, and works great with toys. Once again, it's made for internal use. It's also easier for clean-up, as you may desire.
Hope this helps.
Love ya Dan!
I used to put vaseline on my nose when I had a cold (tmi?) until my friend the ENT told me to stop because of the danger of lipid pneumonia.
ok, ok so your private parts aren't part of the breathing apparatus, so it might be perfectly fine. But still. Eugh.
Now, it is a vegetable oil, and takes a little cleanup, maybe a little soap. But, dude, when men fuck it's MESSY. At the very least there's cum involved, which can wind up just about anywhere, and would you want it any other way? Cleanup, whatever it takes, is, as Dan would put it, part of the price of admission.
Bonus: It abbreviates as "coc. oil"
My only complaint is that it doesn't adhere to toys very well.
... Oh, and vaginal juices aren't to be afraid of .. although I prefer guys I've had a couple of girlfriends over the years and have caught myself musing on the convenience of a self-lubricating hole .. "it's almost like they were designed for the purpose .."
One more thing. The guy who invented petroleum jelly ate a TABLESPOON of the stuff EVERY DAY, and lived to nearly 100 y/o.
Now, talk about "self-lubricating"...
(Sorry ladies, it's GAY DAY!)
So far, so good...
I have tried other products, but these do it for me...
Peace
All I can say to that is: 'Santorum, EEEWWWWWWW!!!'
:)
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@12: ENT told you you'd get lipoid pneumonia from vaseline ON your nose? You'd have to get it IN your nose, then it'd have to slide all the way down into your larynx and you not cough it up, and get into the air sacs deep in your lungs. If you're constantly high or have trouble swallowing, sure, avoid mineral oil laxatives by mouth, but vaseline on your nose is harmless. I woulda died from epistaxis skiing in Co. if I hadn't slathered my nostrils with it. It's like saying not to use gas in your car because you could burn your eyes with it.
Poly still takes time (and sometimes effort) to get comfortable with, and it definitely takes people who are prepared to chill out and take things slow. Oh, and poly dating is no different to mono dating: Two months to a 'marriage' type relationship is WAY too quick.
If you wanna give it another shot, try to find a couple you click with and date them. Give it time, shop around, and keep your expectations reasonable: just like you would searching for a long-term mono relationship. And if you find the perfect mono relationship on the way through? Who cares if poly would have worked for you or not? Go for it and forget the whole thing.
Sadly, you're even more vulnerable if you're either male or gay -- and he's both. I don't know where he lives, but if it's anyplace like where I grew up, that adds another scary level of vulnerability.
Obviously, people need to date based on their hearts and not their fears -- but he hasn't even been introduced yet. Why not seek out someone from the over-18 crowd?
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The stuff stings like all fuck when it gets into a cut, too. So, I have no idea why anyone would leap to "LET'S STICK THIS IN YOUR BUM!"
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To MINOR: Try it, if it doesn't work due to age difference, break it of gently and nicely observing all camp-fire rules. Then keep in touch. I was the 18 year old college student who had off-and-on makeouts with my 16 high school punk rocker friend.... it's now ten years later and we're getting married in May. We were "just email buddies" for 7 years of that before we reconnected. Two years is no difference at all now. I can't say I planned it at the time, but it goes to show that thinking long-term can work out... *grin* And if nothing else, if you don't promise more than you can give (good advice for any relationship), and observe camp fire rules, you can always stay friends. Friends are good things, even if you don't end up like we did.
"All-Natural Organic" means nothing save from exciting words meant to sell you product. There's nothing else meaningful, scientifically, about those words. Don't be a sucker.
It's possible, of course, that they were trying to turn their 2-person marriage into a 3-person marriage. But I'm not entirely certain that's what he meant.
Keep up the good work! You rock!!
All those people recommending that Yes! lube... huh, I find it goes watery and then dries up in about a minute. I'm not going to buy any more. For girl-type lube, I prefer Sylk (natural kiwifruit extracts), or Probe (the thick one's good for butts too).
Seriously - I've tried about twenty different kinds of lube and this knocks 'em all out.
A little pussy would be nice for us hetro boys. All this 3way talk is exciting, but alas, I prefer a pussy to be involved in my 3ways. That is, I think I prefer pussy to be involved in my 3ways, but since I've never been in one and don't enjoy anyones penis but my own, I'm not totally sure.
They aren't LATEX condom-safe. Haven't you heard of polyurethane condoms. (Though the lefties would probably want to tax them.)
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Dude - the podcast this week was a heterofest. I think he was making the written column a fagfest to balance it out for people like me who tire of pussy talk :P
That being said, what happpened to all the fun, kinky, fetishy podcasts and columns? I miss those :)
Men, women, furries, diapers, meat hooks, sounds, whatever. Can't we all just tolerate each other?
Oh, yes, free speech, right. That's true. You can write whatever you like, or dislike. But you're equally free to lose my respect.
Dan--great column! I'll try all the lubes.
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Michael
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My dad was a great dad, always interested in me, caring and supportive.
My mom was great too. But I was the ass hole in the family. Mothers and daughters in conflict is common is all kinds of families.
My mother and father are gay. My dad passed away when I was twelve and my mom is now married to a wonderful woman who treats me like one of her own.
And my mom and I are great friends now, that I've finally grown up.
My point? I don't have one. Just some people do get to be happy.
The "boy" will be a "man" in less than 12 months and fooling around now can cost you. How would you like a lifetime of being a registered sex offender? STAY THE FUCK AWAY! His dick isn't worth it.
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I prefer the booty formula, it works well for anal and vaginal. Also, there isn't any sugar in it, so it won't encourage yeast infections. yay!
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