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I, Monogamous

September 23, 1999

I am a 43-year-old female who has always identified as bisexual. I've enjoyed plenty of healthy, uninhibited sex in my time, as well as good relationships on both sides of the fence. I recently met a woman who is 110 percent wonderful, and she seems to feel the same about me. The problem? I am coming to the realization that I prefer men for sex, and women for relationships. At the same time, I believe strongly in monogamy and if I make a commitment with this woman, I want to honor it.

I was in a 10-year relationship which ended three years ago, and I feel ready and willing to enter into a new committed relationship, but I'm unsure if I can do this without sexual passion. I hope you have some words of wisdom for me.

The Heart Is Willing But The Flesh Is Confused

Some Words of Wisdom: Avoid making commitments you can't keep, especially monogamous commitments to wonderful people. If it's primarily men that turn you on, THIWBTFIC, then setting up house with a woman -- even a 110 percent wonderful woman -- isn't the wisest or fairest of moves. As someone who's had plenty of uninhibited sex, you're doubtless aware that sexual passion is a highly addictive drug; after you've shot up a few times, it can be hard to go without. If you make a monogamous commitment to this woman, someone who by simple fact of gender won't ever fill you with passion, sooner or later some good-looking guy is going to come along, light your fuse, and blow up your relationship.

What to do? Considering your feelings about men (wanna fuck) and woman (wanna relate), I would challenge you to question your "strong belief" in monogamy. A woman who prefers sex with partners of one gender and relationships with the other isn't someone who should be running around making monogamous commitments to anyone of either gender. Monogamy is nice, but it sho' is over-rated -- so much so that people who would be happier in non-monogamous relationships (or committed three- or four-way relationships) frequently make ill-advised monogamous commitments. It's a trap: We're told that good people are monogamous, we all wanna be good people, so we all wanna be monogamous. But you know what? You can be a good person (and a middlin' president) without being monogamous.

Don't fall into the trap. Negotiate a non-monogamous commitment with Ms. Wonderful, one that leaves room for passion in your life. Or if she can't handle an open relationship, you'll have to dump her and find yourself a nice bisexual woman who can handle it, maybe one who feels the same way about men that you do. Imagine how happy you'd be if you found yourself a nice bisexual girl who, like you, wants to fuck men once in a while but doesn't wanna talk to 'em.


I'm a 20-year-old female virgin. I'm very curious about sex and I want to lose my virginity. Most of my friends lost their virginity long ago. I feel that it's my turn. This is the prime of my life and I just want to have fun. Would a guy think I was cheap if I approached him for sex only, no steady relationship required?

Insane Virgin

Any guy you approach for "sex only" is definitely going to think you're cheap -- and so what? So long as he's giving you what you want (sex) and taking from you what you don't (your virginity), who cares if he thinks you're cheap? Half the mail I get is from straight guys complaining about how hard it is to meet women who just want to have fun, IV, no steady relationship required. He may think you're a little nutty and a little slutty, but if you're getting what you want and he's getting what he wants, well, that's a rare and beautiful thing. Good luck getting rid of that hymen.


I think you missed the real reason you aren't getting letters from mom screwers, dog fuckers, and poo eaters anymore. In the early '90s, hard core pervs were loosely organized. Even in large cities it was hard for them to get together, so they were driven to write to columnists for advice, referrals, and assurance that there were more pervs like them out there. With the Internet, lonely pervs don't have to lie at night wondering if they're the only one of their kind. Instead they just log onto www.bestiality.com, www.lovingmother.net, or www.dogscrewers.org. So what's left for you? Letters from people with bellybutton and foot fetishes. The way I see it, you're going to have to work at it to lure back the real pervs. Perhaps you could give out prizes to the sender of the most fucked up problem?

Perv Perspective

Damn! You're absolutely right! Four or five years ago, pervs who wanted info, or to meet others of their kind while also maintaining their anonymity, had no choice but to send anonymous letters to advice-giving schmoes like me. Nowadays, as PP points out, pervs can find all the info they need online, as well as pervy personal ads, homepages, and answers to frequently asked questions -- which doubtless accounts for a worldwide drop in questions sent to advice columnists from deeply perverted folks. Punch your perv into a search engine and all the info you need pops right up; send a letter to advice hustlers and we may not even respond.

Luckily, not all pervs have caught on to the wonders of the Internet. Take this recent letter to Savage Love: "I'm a young, straight male into watersports. I have been unable to find anyone else in Chicago who shares my interests. I was wondering if there are any groups and/or clubs that are into watersports that cater to breeder boys like myself. If there are no hetero watersports clubs, do you know of any places where I can buy magazines and/or movies dealing with my interests?" This young perv lacks the web sense and initiative other horny young men possess, perv or otherwise -- or clearly he wouldn't be writing to me for advice; instead he'd be logging onto www.pissonmecutie.net. As for his questions, well, as everyone knows hetero watersports smut can be found at any all-purpose porn shop, and info about hetero watersports clubs, if such clubs exist (and such clubs, sadly, do not), can be found by any search engine. Wanna get pissed on? Don't waste your time asking me or Anne or Abby. Ask Jeeves!


I am writing to correct one of the replies you gave in Pussypalooza '99. In regards to the woman who stopped getting yeast infections once she made her partners gargle with mouthwash, Cathy Winks commented "Why would healthy individuals have candida thriving in their mouths?" Around 50 percent of the population have candida thriving in their mouths and are none the wiser. Candida becomes a problem mainly in immune-compromised individuals, hence the problems with candida among those infected with HIV. So it is quite possible that the woman in question isn't as healthy as she could be, her partners have had candida thriving in their mouths, and she got a yeast infection as a result of getting oral sex from them.

Camille Diges
Graduate Student
Department of Chemistry and Biochemistry
University of Colorado

letters@savagelove.net

 

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